Jimmy Roasting Women | Jimmy Carr

i love swearing i've always quite sorry what was that i missed a bit of chat hi sorry it's not the telly if you talk i can hear now you're looking pissed off you're thinking i didn't press the red button it's all interactive what were you saying go on she just said i thought you were talking about snake bite the drink yeah what what happened once okay in a joke a joke is like two stories yeah and the first story makes you make an assumption about something so the assumption people made about snake bite in in that joke was that it was a snake biting you that's the setup of the joke so you made the assumption he's talking about a snake bite a snake biting someone in the second part of the joke often known as the punchline what you'll what you'll find is that rug will be will be whipped from under you and you'll realize that the assumption you made was erroneous suddenly revealing a fact that was previously concealed is is the nature of all one-liners bottom so in essence i was talking about both snake bites the thing that happens when a snake bites you and also the drink no problem at all it's lovely to help it's actually it's nice to have you here this evening because i think one of the charity gigs i did help pay for the minibus that brought you here nice to see that money wasn't wasted oh bless a little huh why are you making of the rest of the show are you just enjoying the spangly things i tell you what's embarrassing getting your cockstock in the flies of another man's trousers could you move around a bit because i think you're encouraging the others what's your name adam i better ask gemma hello gemma um is there any chance you could just pop the chinese love balls out for a minute you seem to be teetering on the edge of orgasm at all times i've seen it in films i know what you do gemma you're a cheerleading coach the easiest job in the world i think if i'm not mistaken there's a new name for cheerleading coach though isn't there don't we call it grooming now so what who do who do they cheerlead for you have a squad called the what the fury jams is that a term for menstruation sorry there's a cheerleading squad called the fury jams you're right now i've got the fury jams and you teach people to cheerlead [Music] these are grown adults 10 to 16 10 to 16. and you get them to well it's not just pom-poms i'm pretty sure it is i'm no expert i know there's a lot of showering there's more showering than you would imagine has anyone else got any cheerleading dvds i'm something of a connoisseur i have a collection and mainly they like to get sudsy let's move this along but lovely lovely to meet you with your hilarious laugh it's infectious i like it thanks very much for coming thanks and thanks very much for cheerleading thank you for helping our young people let's go it's valuable work you do [Applause] i like it when ladies get tattoos have any ladies in here got tattoos what have you got a what you've got a vent i think that may be the crudest term i've ever heard for a vagina [Applause] i've got a vent well if you're particularly gassy i suppose whereabouts is this vent on your arm you've got a vent you you have by all accounts got some sort of vent go girl nothing says feminine like air conditioning equipment [Applause] nothing says i'm hot like i need a vent that's how hot i out has anyone got one on the small of their back yeah what have you got a football symbol what sorry would you like to see it yes i would have look a football symbol what is it it's gaelic football irish football right no i know what gaelic football is how come you've got that there did you do the whole team and you got a bonus i don't know it's just it's always struck me it's a lovely place to get a tattoo because it's discreet when you ask a lot of ladies why they get a tattoo they they they say i got one there because it's just for me and my partner all partners it's you know but my question is if he's looking at that he's already having a good time the last thing he needs is more visual stimulus what you've basically got on your lower back is a target having said that i really like tattoos there so i'm trying to convince my girlfriend to get one i want her to either get if you can read this you're me or now wash your hands i'd like to get a tattoo i'm thinking about getting one just there just across there just above the speedos just above the banana hammock saying caution choking hazard ages 16 and up may contain nuts my girlfriend wants a diamond ring and the only reason i know that is it's pretty much all she talks about let's face facts you know my girlfriend's getting a diamond ring as if the vajazzler slips i don't really understand the bejazzle i mean i know what a jazzle is i know i know what it is they whip away all the hair from yufufu and then they diamante it i say they i imagine you get some pretty sick and glitter and have a crack yourself [Music] have a sparkly crack yourself you're welcome um i just don't know who that's for i've never met a man who said to me ah i love vaginas but i wish they're a bit more judgey a few more sparkles wouldn't go i miss i want a glamopus a showbiz entrance has anyone had uh have a jazzell she had what did you what did you what motif did you go for madame you had a heart because you were embarrassed to ask for like something spectacular you were embarrassed to ask for something spectacular you were fine with someone putting glitter on your fanny but you went i don't ask for anything embarrassing how adorable and was it for a special occasion or was it just no i just thought why not you thought why not for plenty of reasons basic hygiene your boyfriend could chip a tooth and it was definitely a problem for jazz or not liverpool the jazzer which is just a euphemism for herpes are you all drinking this evening ladies and gentlemen you drinking yeah quite a few of you i like drinking i prefer being drunk than getting drunk i'm not very keen on beer and wine but i like the interesting things you order when you're drunk the drinks that no one ever orders sober aftershock is a prime example you know that weird pink fluid no one's ever ordered that so the designated driver has never walked into a bar and thought well i can have one drink can't i they've got beer they've got wine they've got spirits no i'll have a pipette of aftershock please it's the same with the flaming zambucca no one's ever ordered one of those sober you have you've ordered a flaming zambooka sober it's your drink you order flaming zambookas the clue as to why you shouldn't order one madam is the fact it's on fire it's the equivalent of walking into a kitchen going i'm a bit thirsty there's a glass and a tap and then spotting out the corner of the eye a gas hob the only reason i could possibly think of to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you meet a girl and she's something just a little bit special yeah maybe you've been out on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's intelligent she's funny you think you might be in love with her you think she might be the one but she's got a bit of a problem with facial hair on the top lip that can be an awkward thing to bring up much better i think take her out for a drink two flaming sandbukers please no no they're both for you you know are you drinking flaming zambookas as well where about you from oh of course sorry i'm sorry i'm terribly sorry i was just i was asking kind of a london audience do you drink flaming zambicas when sober if i thought there were people in from newcastle i would have said what do you like to drink to get you in the mood for a fight so what are you down here on the raw ball we sent you an email saying if you want to go for drinks in newcastle we show you the better sites the best sites in newcastle i imagine the one where you go my girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her i said all right fatty you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 700,891

Rating: 4.9009819 out of 5

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Id: lQXbY-L6Ngg

Length: 11min 48sec (708 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 09 2021