Jimmy Carr: Stand Up (2005) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

hello i'm jimmy carr and this is my youtube channel here's the full-length version of my dvd it was a dvd when i made it not special wasn't on streamers no here's the full dvd of which one is it stand up oh it's pretty good it's pretty good i'm a little bit fatter but the jokes don't work [Music] hello [Music] [Applause] yes though oh oh time [Applause] look at this [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi well thanks very much i always feel slightly guilty at the beginning of the show because you all clapped and whooped i've done nothing so far i just walked from over there it was easy anyone could have done it you could have done it maybe not you but most of most people could have done i always feel quite guilty because you've given so much i've done so little what if i'm [ __ ] don't panic i'm not close to comedy genius the guardian it's a newspaper for teachers i don't expect you to understand hi i'm jimmy carr off the telly i know that because people come up to me and say jimmy carr off the telly that tends to be less a description more of a request hi swimming's good for you especially if you're drowning not only do you get a cardiovascular workout you also don't die two ticks i said to my girlfriend i said uh you shouldn't eat before you go swimming she said why i said you look fat i've got a friend whose nickname is shagger you might think that's pretty cool she doesn't like it you know those anti-aids red ribbons you don't see so many [ __ ] these days do you that is i think because the so-called anti-age ribbons actually offer no protection you think you're upset i found that from a bloke in the gents do you realise that last joke makes me sound a little bit gay i'm not i realize i'm wearing the kind of shirt that's often lifted if i'm not my own mum thought i was gay when i was 19 my mum was convinced i was gay it's very difficult to convince your mum you're not gay so we got a camcorder i was [ __ ] but i'm what's referred to as a gay friendly act you know i'm a gay friendly act i was asked last november to judge mr gay uk i said it would be my pleasure he's against nature and against god he's going to hell i think it's okay to tell that joke because it's almost impossible to offend a homosexual man you know because let's face it if they're doing that for fun if your idea of a good time is a [ __ ] in your ass what do you care we've all thought about gay sex though haven't we you've thought about gay sex haven't you sir no you haven't thought about gay sex you just leaped in there and [ __ ] him well i admire your honesty son you're bravery i thought about gay sex i thought oh my [ __ ] could get covered in poo you're sniggering what's your name along what are you saying vicky dance for me monkey boy is he your fellow what do you mean he's either your fellow or he isn't is he is he your fella yeah sorry she's saying yes and you're saying no and you're just look you've gone really red and you look really embarrassed they're [ __ ] buddies oh i see what how very modern how very 2005. so you're not going out with each other but you are [ __ ] buddies that is fantastic can we just all take a moment to you know congratulate that man there he's a lot of work has gone into that a lot of work has gone into that he's had to buy a cosmopolitan for a couple of years sorry and they'll know that you were dated with hussy the great thing about that is that he's convinced you that yeah we don't need a relationship it's so it's so old-fashioned i should be able to sleep with whoever i want to sleep with and so should you as long as it's just me yeah there'll be a lot of jokes it's not every day i get to talk to a slag come on now i don't know where the mark is until i overstep it that's my you just did that is juvenile that sorry for those of you that didn't see that it'll be on the dvd available at all good car boots vicky's response to that yeah she's been called the slag at a show that's not good in anyone's book and i apologize for that unreservedly but did you really need to do that [Applause] god bless you i was doing a gig a couple weeks ago i got talking to a girl down the front asked where she was from she said i'm from outside birmingham i said really so am i what part of birmingham aren't you from at one point and really i'm asking the men at what point do you get paranoid about receiving enlarge your penis emails it's not just me getting them is it it's just i'm currently getting about 10 a day eight of them are from my girlfriend the two from my mum that really hurt it's a rather pitying look you're giving me there i don't need your pity frankly i'm not particularly well hung but i don't mind admitting that i'm not embarrassed or ashamed because i know that any woman that thinks being well hung is important is just shallow maybe that's not quite the right term for use i broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight i say that she died in a bungee jumping accident you see because she was heavier has anyone got anything he could be colouring in you look like some kind of surfer dude what's your name john john where are we where are you from john the united states well done [Applause] john do you know the difference between a british soldier and an iraqi soldier what do you do john what are you doing over there i don't need to check your papers i'm just checking you know just asking i'm a college professor on vacation you're a college professor on vacation okay sounds like a setup for a movie with hilarious consequences and then he asked me for a [ __ ] fanny i thought he meant bum yes so what do you teach i teach philosophy and religious studies philosophy and religious studies well done so do you teach philosophy to the brighter kids and then if they don't get the hang of it you go i just believe in god [Music] well i'll tell you why i've asked you all to come this evening ladies and gentlemen i'd like to talk to you about men that like obese women i'm not talking about men that like women with a fuller figure that seems entirely normal natural and right more cushion for the pushing as i believe people say i think that's the expression no i'm talking about men that like women who are can't leave the house fat so i'm not talking about anyone in here this evening unless in order to get out someone had to cut the side of the house off and there was some sort of winch involved i'm not talking about people with water retention i'm talking about people with cake retention people that tell you they've got a thyroid problem you say oh really a thyroid problem what are you taking for that pies [Applause] you know the kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast but wouldn't want to share it with you i saw a thing on tv the other day actually was on one of these kind of makeover shows that were on during the day they did a makeover on a girl she was 34 stone it's like rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic i say a makeover they gave her a fringe is that really going to turn the corner for a girl like that that's what i'm asking i don't think it will i can't imagine the scenario where a guy you know he's drinking in a bar he looks across he sees a girl she's 34 stone be tough to miss her let's face it he thinks to himself she's a little bit big for me goes back to his drink meanwhile the makeover team are in slips nips nip he looks back he thinks actually i would it's the excuses that get me the excuses are amazing the camera adds 10 pounds stop eating [ __ ] cameras the reason i've become obsessed by this topic is because of a couple of documentaries on tv there's one called fatties in their feeders anyone see it it's an amazing sociological study of obesity in our country and the health problems inherent in that and also it was [ __ ] hilarious it was basically these tiny little stick thin men bringing massive kfc buckets of food to these enormous women that couldn't even move and while we're on the subject you be careful with the kfc bucket it's a big leap from plate to bucket but from bucket to trough not very far at all the other one that was on was called chubby chasers i like the title chubby chaser sounds great i just wonder how accurate is that how much chasing is actually going on a little bit of waddling and wheezing then gotcha gotcha [Music] the male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth up to seven miles away and that fact also works if you remove the word moth there's a lot of cliches about gypsies maybe you can help me out this sir have you ever tarmac to drive no of course not you just take the deposit and [ __ ] off [Music] yes you see to my mind that would be the same thing i love the fact you made a distinction i have a tarmac to drive no i've blocked paved a few but i can't imagine that's what he's getting at what's your name lee hello lee hi jimin it's like a lover yeah nice to meet you lee no it's lovely to have you in you seem to have taken that in the right way i did that joke at a gig a couple of weeks ago see when i do that joke i've got to pick on someone from the audience so what i do is i look around quickly and i pick on someone who looks like a bikey not a problem anyway i did this joke in south end yeah i picked on a big guy down the front he was laughing along with everything he took it slightly the wrong way really like properly insulted came up to me after the show and threatened me but he was pretending to be a lot posher than he was because he was saying well i'm not a gypsy so he's pretending to be really posh and he tried to threaten me without swearing that's a tough thing to do he used the phrase knuckle sandwich and then he said rather epically do you like hospital food no i didn't say anything because i was a little bit afraid on reflection of course i should have said i'm with bupa it's delicious i've got a choice of three starters do your [ __ ] worst oh sorry lee i've labeled you a chap i didn't mean to i quite like the term chaff i read it in the papers before i heard it out loud i thought it was pronounced shah i shouldn't don't kick off lee i'm middle class but i'm hard al dente you might say if you got the al dente reference you're middle class too well done things i genuinely really really like gypsies i've got some romany blood in me on my mother's side and i think it's an alternative lifestyle but i think it's a good one and the people that don't like gypsies they're always saying oh yeah these travelling people you've got to move them on is that playing into their hands right well we've done fat girls and gypsies religion i used to be quite religious and i'm fascinated by lots of religious groups there's um some brilliant ones there's the um the people that wear the armbands wwjd stands for what would jesus do and christians wear them to remind them to be more like christ in everyday life they sort of see that oh what would jesus do in this situation for the most part they're very effective they make people so annoying you want to nail them to a cross mother my absolute favorite christian organization of all time it's called christians against teenage pregnancies that's the everest of hypocrisy isn't it if jesus taught us nothing else he taught us that the unwanted babies of teenage mums can turn out all right you look as if you didn't quite understand that do you know who the protagonist is jesus born at christmas or easter you must have heard of him king of the jews best you ever he could walk on water well he probably couldn't walk on water his mum probably just exaggerated he's probably very good on ice skates he died for your sins can't i said to my girlfriend i said on saturday how would you like to go shopping with the girls get yourself some new shoes get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of chardonnay she said that sounds brilliant i said good because we're breaking up you know what a man says to you it's not you it's me ladies you know when a man says that it's not you it's me we mean that from the heart that's not [ __ ] that's true it's just a fragment of a longer phrase it's not you it's me that's sending this relationship because i can't stand the [ __ ] side of you you know what people argue just so as they can make up again call me cynical i don't think that's what's going on the middle east john merrick the elephant man he was cruelly taunted all the way through his life john america was cruelly taunted all the way through his life people said to him you're the ugliest man in the world but he didn't mind very thick skinned does anyone know how john merrick died anyone in his sleep are you getting death mixed up with sleeping you don't write gravestones for a living do you not dead just sleeping well dig him up then he'll be [ __ ] livid i know what you mean though because it's in the film they take away a pillow and then people with elephant heads can't lie flat as we all know yeah if you like why not it's only a film that's only a film not actually how it happened any other suggestions as to how he died he died wanking i i don't know if you can die wanking hang on i'll ask can you die with me he's still here that is a good response still here i've had some great suggestions recently from the audience um too many sticky buns be a great way for the elephant man to go another person said a somewhat ironic allergy to peanuts someone suggested poachers it's a long shot kill tree's ivory it's a shame he's gone but a lovely chess set now what actually happened was a bearded lady shot a dwarf out of a cannon and it landed on his elephant head freak accident come on has anyone here been to alton towers what do you think do you enjoy it i enjoyed it yeah it's great [ __ ] go on it was that was you do you have a [ __ ] time my god tell me more sorry the best thing about alton towers was we robbed a fruit machine that is an amazing sentence sorry sir your time as the gypsy this evening is now it's now over that is forget it forget it you have been outshaft well you went to all the towns and your complaint was not enough to nick i love the way you're using now an expression of are you robert you see a fruit machine you rub a free machine come on we're friends we all come on you know i'm a guy you're a guy we steal things from fruit machines no what's your name sir thank you daniel well nice to meet you daniel what do you do unless you're the cleaner they've made a massive error of judgment so how long have you been casing this joint about a year and when's the big job this is do i get paid extra if this ends up on crime watch well i liked alton towns i thought was good i thought you know all the towns who thought was good yeah yeah it's always like a poor man's disney sore place you might send a child who's dying of something that isn't that serious what's he got asthma we'll have a whip around i'm making no promises brittle bones ripple burns has he been to chessington he'll have to bring his own cap yep the reason i mentioned norton towns they've got a ride that they've been advertising on tv again it's a vertical drop roller coaster correct me if i'm wrong that's a lift um right good any questions so far how old what how old how old yeah [ __ ] grandma we're in a hurry how lazy is that how old not how old are you or would you mind telling us how old you are how old [Applause] well have a guess how old do you think i am you think i'm 12 well you shouldn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me do you know they've done that in mexico do you know what the age of consent is in mexico it's 12. that's one way to deal with a pedophilia problem isn't it i imagine they've still got a problem she looked 12 to me i didn't always used to do this for a living i used to work for an oil company it was the same sort of things telling lies to strangers but that was a bit more awkward that was much more yeah don't worry about nigeria that'll be fine when i did used to work for a living i was always very jealous of the women that i worked with because women have the best issues for a day off sick i love a day of sick marvelous duvet very nice and comfy [Music] and women have the best excuse the best excuses we all know is women's problems and the reason women's problems is the best excuse is because women's problems is the end of a conversation why didn't you come in yesterday women's problems i like to think if i was the boss things would be slightly different women's problems tits or fanny which is it maybe i could have a look i suppose i i should really tell you a little bit about myself um can i just are you two there you look quite young how old are you you're 18 are you yeah really are you adding six years to your age because you think i might be a [ __ ] idiot you're 18. but you've got a growth hormone problem some description not even you're genuinely 18. yeah god i forgot how young an 18 year old boy looks like is that a bad thing to say it's quite bad isn't it and your boyfriend how old is he what it's your brother well don't shagging me i noticed that your shirt is that a fashion thing it looks like it's covered in spunk but honestly honor stand up and turn around it's an amazing show it's probably what come on it's quite a cool design when you look at it closely but if you just glanced at it it looks like a plasterer's radio that is a term used in the dogging fraternity i believe as in i was out leaving with stan collymore i drove away with a car looking like a plasterer's radio well i should i suppose you know talk about myself a little bit i grew up in slough in the 1970s if anyone wants to know what sly was like in the 1970s go there now actually i went back recently there's a sign as you drive and it says slough twins with montro i'll tell you this much they're not identical twins there's no chance of getting those mixed up in fact the only thing you need to know about slaugh is one sign that we've got at the end of the high street we've got one tourist information sign most towns of any note have many we've just got the one you know the ones that say you are here got one that says you are here but someone's added a question mark so it now reads you are here your travel agent is a [ __ ] i was educated in cambridge university [Music] that's an uncommon response people think because you went to cambridge you're a little bit smug a little bit up yourself not the case the only reason i went to cambridge is because i got full raise available of course the only reason i've got four raises a level is because when i was in school i didn't have that many friends and you know i didn't have a girlfriend certainly and so no one would have sex with me i need to go home every night like a good little boy and do my homework yeah so next time you meet someone who's a bit overeducated and pompous don't think she's off guard they're intimidating think no good with a poontang i got my big break in show business doing the royal variety performance a couple years ago it's quite a good gig but then i had to meet prince charles afterwards and that was a bit awkward because you know what do you say i didn't know what to say to him he didn't know what to say to me you know but he managed to cobble something together that's his job isn't it other than waiting for his mum to die he cobbled something he said he said very funny indeed very good dead panery now we all know dead panery is not a real word but it's his mum's english except what he [ __ ] likes the great thing about being on tv a little bit is you get asked to do interesting things i was asked last year to go on countdown i couldn't believe my luck i thought brilliant i'll definitely do that because i've always had a thing for carol waterman always liked her not just because she's fair no also for her mind although that's not what i tend to say i tend to say i wouldn't mind [ __ ] her brains out think about it take ages i shall um i should tell you a story uh about something else that happened because you know i'm a little bit on telly now and people phone up and they ask they ask you to do interesting things i was asked about three years ago to write a journalistic piece for the first time i was really excited sunday paper phone up they said would you like to write a piece for us i immediately agreed and there's a conversation went on it transpired it was a piece for the motoring section called my first crash i think i would have said no but i'd already said yes earlier in the conversation so you know what do you do i said i said yeah okay fine and in the end i was quite pleased with what i wrote i wrote about sort of you know 250 words on my first crash i said well what happened was i went on a driving holiday flew into barcelona rented a car went around spain portugal france just staying in sort of three star hotels and b and b's and just kind of hanging around yeah and and the idea was we would end up driving back to paris get the eurostar back you know go first class be quite exciting it only just opened so it's quite an exciting thing we slightly mistimed it so we're kind of late getting back into paris this is the days before you know sat nav so we've got maps out we're trying to work out how paris is you know trying to you know it's a complicated city to get round you know it's late at night we just we got cut up by loads of guys on scooters just in an underpass we just clipped a merc no harm done have you all seen that incredibly powerful commercial where every time a famous person clicks their fingers a child dies i was watching it i couldn't help thinking stop clicking your fingers [Applause] i went out to dinner last night i killed two kids just getting the bill for just a pound a day you can feed a child in africa sounds good but i've checked that's self-catering i saw a thing on a notice board recently they're organizing a parachute jump for people with alzheimer's that's something that i'd pay to see that's basically euthanasia you're right granddad you know what you're doing i fought in the war that's his maybe one one thousand two one thousand are you my nephew [Applause] i've done quite a few charity gigs over the past year i did one in this very room it's for a charity which i now know is called laughter four leukemia now i'd had a long day and i turned up late and you know i made a mistake i said it's lovely to be here laughing at leukemia skin nerds down the front didn't like it i was in los angeles last year i did a gig for the big issue they were relaunching the big issue out there and they'd organized this big sort of garlic they asked me to do five minutes i said it'd be my pleasure and what they'd done which i thought was quite interesting they'd invited a lot of the homeless people along to the gig so a whole section of the audience were homeless people vendors are the big issue in los angeles i thought what a brilliant thing because you think hungry and homeless but you don't think you know they could do the night out night out's not the right phrase but you get my drift i walked out i said it's lovely to see so many bums on seats this didn't translate really this is the problem with doing charity gigs for other people what you want to do is have your own foundation your own kind of you know your own charity that's the brilliant thing that kind of big a-list celebrities get to do they get to have their own charity i'd love to do that look at michael jackson he's got his own charity the neverland foundation they fly sick children what good looking sick children they fly good-looking sick children who look as if they could keep a secret into the neverland ranch and they give them massive cash payouts valuable work who here while we're on the topic who here thinks michael jackson's innocent person down there quite a lot of people here who are going shorthand so hands right up in the air quite a lot of you think michael jackson's innocent and you know what you've got morality on your side because he was found innocent by a jury of his peers albeit americans still counts i wouldn't bother with the whole trial i just would have stood up in front of the jury and simply said this if i was a billionaire pedophile and i'm not but if it was a billionaire pedophile i definitely have a fun fair in my back garden he couldn't be any more dodgy if his house was made out of sweets who here's got kids who has got kids you've got kids you've got kids would you let them play at michael jackson's house no no you would you look like quite an old fella how old are your kids in their 20s yeah would you let your children play at michael jackson's house when they're about 12. no for 10 million dollars you'd have to think about it what i'd like to do is start a jimmy carr foundation yeah it's a good idea isn't it i'm only a you know i'm a dealer celebrity but you know i could build and grow i've got a couple of ideas for charities i like to workshop them this evening good i'm glad you're so keen on the idea the first one well there's a terrible problem a global problem with amputeeism in sub-saharan africa because of all the landmines now there's a lot of charities dealing with the landmine problem you know picking up the pieces there it's a bad choice of words i know but there's a lot of charities dealing with the land mines and clearing the landmines but very few dealing with the residual problem of a lot of people with only one leg because the other one's been blown off yeah that's a serious global problem that almost looks too big to tackle yeah but we in the west we've got our problems too who here in this room can tell me they don't have a problem with old socks what i'm saying is you take those two problems you put them together what have you got you've got a solution all socks for africa who's with me if there's one thing worse than having your leg blown off it's the remaining foot being cold the next idea i've had for a charity is not quite as pc as all that domestic violence there's a topic for you it happens people don't like talking about it but it happens in all our communities yeah something needs to be done there's a lot of charities dealing with the aftermath very few doing anything preventative i'd like to start a jimmy carr halfway house a place where women can go and be safe and secure be re-educated about cooking and cleaning and putting out doesn't need to happen there's nothing sad in the single mom with two black eyes she's been told twice she just doesn't understand you're looking slightly disapproving there man you're right i like the fact that you two look incredibly rock and roll in a sea of middle class what a wonderful thing what do you do you're in a band or something yeah called cyber what cyber dog why do you think i've got this hey it's rubber on the inside i might have a funky underpinning i don't know what a funky underpinning is that's how unfunky i am were you expecting more thrash metal at this gig yes i'm sorry to disappoint and your your partner there's you've got a similar look about you what do you do sir you manage a fetish clothing shop whereabouts it's a great spot for it what's the weirdest request you've ever had in the store to a um someone wanted a douchebag fitted to a catsuit they're all words i vaguely understand and yet when you say them what what's a douchebag oh a douchebag i thought he said something else the device i have on my cat suit so i can defecate at will sorry if you've got a cat suit on you should really be going in the sandpit that's that's he's are you off to buy a did you did we just say defecate at will and you were off have you been hypnotized at some point that's lovely see so many ladies out this evening especially a show starting at seven o'clock the t won't make itself just staring quietly judging yes quite right no you look quite annoyed you get it from him all the time do you lucky girl i bet you love it sorry is it 1975. what do you do [Music] you work in a bookshop is it an adult bookshop section in the children's section of an adult bookshop that is bad did you know women reach their sexual peak after 35 years men reach theirs after about four minutes which is why we get more done my girlfriend said to me have you been having sex behind my back i said who the [ __ ] hell do you think it was and another thing it wouldn't kill you to turn around once in a while check how i'm doing are you all drinking this evening ladies and gentlemen are you drinking yeah quite a few i like drinking i prefer being drunk than than getting drunk i'm not very keen on beer and wine but i like the interesting things you order when you're drunk the drinks that no one ever orders sober aftershock is a prime example you know that weird pink fluid no one's ever ordered that so the designated driver has never walked into a bar and thought well i can have one drink can't i they've got beer they've got wine they've got spirits no i'll have a pipette of aftershock please it's the same with the flaming zambucha no one's ever ordered one of those sober you have you've ordered a flaming zambooka sober it's your drink you order flaming zambookas the clue as to why you shouldn't order one madam is the fact it's on fire it's the equivalent of walking into a kitchen going i'm a bit thirsty there's a glass and a tap and then spotting out the corner of the eye a gas hob the only reason i could possibly think of to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you meet a girl and she's something just a little bit special yeah maybe you've been out on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's intelligent she's funny you think you might be in love with her you think she might be the one but she's got a bit of a problem with facial hair on the top lip that can be an awkward thing to bring up much better i think take her out for a drink two flaming sandbukers please no no they're both for you you know are you drinking flaming zambookas as well where about you from oh of course sorry i'm sorry i'm terribly sorry i was just i was asking kind of a london audience do you drink flaming exam because when sober if i thought there were people in from newcastle i would have said what do you like to drink to get you in the mood for a fight so what you down here on the raw ball what are you up to we sent you an email saying if you want to go for drinks in newcastle we show you the better sites the best sites in newcastle i imagine the one where you go i know this isn't particularly pc but i still can't forgive the germans for the way they treated my granddad during the war passed over for promotion time and time again on remembrance sunday do spare a thought for the german ex-servicemen at least our old soldiers are remembering winning now shit's their day out i was in germany recently doing a comedy gig i was flown out there to do one of these corporate gigs i thought comedy germany it's missionary work went out there did you know did a comedy the gig went fine but on the way back there was about a three hour delay at the airport now i thought that's not a problem you know i've got an ipod and a computer i was quite you know busying myself i was quite happy the guy was traveling with the guy that organized the corporate gig who was livid with his three-hour delay and he said with no hint of irony he said yeah say what you want about hitler at least when he was around the trains ran on time i thought yeah but think about where they were going i was in edinburgh last year i saw a sign in a window said watch batteries fitted i thought it's probably not the best show on there's a sign up in my street saying the priorities of the traffic lights have changed there's another sign saying children please drive carefully i was driving on the motorway saw a sign on the back of a truck little sticker said how am i driving i thought well if you don't know i've got a sticker on the back of my car it says keep your distance i just need a little space right now it's not you it's me you've got a question you've got one of those yeah that is [ __ ] brilliant do you think they mean it to be like that sorry i don't know if everyone heard it was the um in the curry house near you live it says try one of our curries you'll never get better that is fantastic i saw a sign in the park said remove dog nuisance so i shot a poodle i was in australia i saw a sign that said convenience store 75 miles well i'm not even going that way my favorite road sign of all time it's a it's a red triangle and it says underneath falling rocks and inside there's pictures of falling rocks what am i meant to do with that information it may as well just say random accidents ahead life's a lottery be lucky i think we've established so far i'm not approved i don't mind talking about sex and i certainly don't mind swearing no problem with any of that i'm genuinely offended by an advert that's on tv at the moment it's for a brand of thrush treatment it's canister or gaviston it's one of the two i can't remember which one which one is it canister or gaston which one sorry thank you ladies with rush [Applause] the reason i'm offended by it is i just don't see the point who's watching that and thinking this is a well-made commercial i like the actors i like the script i like the sort of tag line at the end of the ad i'm going to buy some of that i don't have thrush but i'm going to buy something or who's sitting there going that looks interesting i might buy some of that i'm baking bread down here it's over while going on around the world trip on your holidays where are you going to go next year i had a survey done in my house hey out ten people would you rather liked it if you're not part of the solution you're a solid or a gas i was in the club last week i saw a sign outside the cloak room said one pound per item so i bought a coke i was in a restaurant ask the waiter where the gents was he said just go downstairs try our curries you'll never get better still having a bit of a giggle from there my mother used to say it was a very funny woman my mother she was very kind of larger than life irish ladies she used to say to me when i was little she used to say there are no strangers just friends you haven't met yet don't talk to them my dad took me to one side on my 21st birthday he said to me said said jimmy the past is history the future is a mystery right now is a gift that's why it's called the present i said what you didn't give me anything again a wise old man once said to me said people never really listen they're just waiting for their turn to talk at least i think that's what he said i was driving through a very rough area of south london i saw a big police sign by the side of the road big yellow and black thing said violent crime here tuesday 7 30. can you help so i appreciate they're trying to bring communities together but i don't even approve i had a thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago actually in north london close to where i live i was walking home about 11 30 at night and this young kid about 15 or 16 years of age comes running out of an alleyway at high speed he's all out of breath and panting and clearly in some distress he says help help me and my mate are being mugged i said all right all right calm down take a breath of course i'll help my mate and i are being mugged in the pursuit of scientific answers animals have been tortured for the past 100 years they're still not talking i'm starting to think they don't know anything i saw a brilliant bit of medical research that's been done recently they've come up with a new product it's like like viagra it's like a viagra inhaler that will give a man an erection within 30 seconds equipment if i'm wrong a viagra inhaler that will give a man an erection within 30 seconds that's a [ __ ] another company spent hundreds of thousands of pounds researching the atkins diet and came to the conclusion that it can cause depression now i could have told you that without any need for research that's just deductive reasoning everyone knows fat people are jolly the british medical association are not above this kind of thing they did some research saying irrefutably cigarettes can harm your children fair enough use an ashtray i worry about my nan if she's alone in the house and she falls does she make a noise i'm joking she's dead i do try and see the positive when something bad happens you know if somebody close to you dies it's always a good idea move seats i remember when my nan was really ill in hospital we went to visit her in limerick in ireland went over to see her it was you know near the end and the doctor came out and he said to us he said he said i know she's uh she's very bad now she uh she can't breathe without oxygen i thought where did you get your medical degree the internet all i'm saying is every cloud has got a silver lining you can always see the fun in something even if it's you know something tragic and terrible you know we've all been to funerals haven't we we've all been to a funeral at some stage it's a very sad event but you know every cloud has a silver lining you know and a relative an elderly relative at death's door is a day off waiting to happen what's a funeral it's about an hour it tends to be in the morning the rest of the day is your own i don't want you to judge me ladies and gentlemen when my nana died we weren't bowling not immediately on hearing the news but that afternoon after the funeral we went bowling you know life goes on not hers obviously she was in a box on fire i was on fire three strikes oh but i could see a couple of a couple of kind of older gentlemen how old are you so you look a little bit older than yeah 70. well 70 is quite old i think yeah nice to have you here sir nice age range what do you do fine you've earned that frankly some of these [ __ ] layabouts i bet it was different in your day wasn't it [Music] 70 i bet you were loving the anti-german stuff aren't you yeah [ __ ] them you know what pc or no pc we won it fair and square the thing i was going to say was i've been i've been told this once have you ever said to anyone yeah the problem with your generation you think you invented sex you ever said that to anyone no yeah my granddad said it to me he said the problem with you lot you think you invented sex i said all right grandad have you ever [ __ ] nana up the ass pull down come on the tits turns out he had that's what killed her what's the matter with that and don't you dare be offended by that you know by there being a 70 year old man i bet you were crazy for in the war jesus there being a war on i bet you got more poon tang in those years yeah we could all die tomorrow it's the best child line in the world who are you here with she looks mortified you're all right i'm glad i can only apologize for the last bit of material about the the granddad with the bum sex and the coming because i imagine what i've created is the longest journey home ever yeah dad i enjoyed the show let's never talk again oh right what else was i going to talk about um it's 18 years since the chernobyl disaster is it just me that surprised still no superheroes nothing not so much as a giant lizard is anyone married in who's married yeah what's the longest someone's been married two days two days who's been married for two days you got married on right here on friday but congratulations and can i ask is she pregnant or is this a proper one sorry you've done that already you already have a child and now you got married get out get out of my house well that's a lovely thing oh well congratulations thanks for coming wow you know you've married that guy he looks like a great guy looks amazing and clearly he set the bar pretty low early on where are we going on our honeymoon we're going to see jimmy carr live well well done you know you know good luck with it is all i'm saying good luck because we all know a third of marriages end in divorce i don't want to put a damper on things but a third of marriages end in divorce and they're the lucky ones the others are dying i'd rather go to jail than get married i have thought this through by the way rather go to the jail than get married but you know if you murder someone that's the worst thing you could do you murder someone you get a life sentence you're out in 12 years hey or is this life means life and in your average marriage as opposed to prison there is significantly less anal sex see if you think this is romantic really i'm asking the ladies do you think this is romantic i've got a friend she's getting married at the end of the summer and her fiance has designed the wedding ring he's quite a talented artist picked out the diamond when he was down in south africa quite a talented artist he's done sketches taken him to a jeweler and hat and gun who's putting the whole project together for him that's romantic isn't it ladies i think it almost makes up for the fact that she's clearly marrying a homosexual she's gonna have an amazing ring not much of a wedding night i imagine it'll be something along the lines of come to bed darling i'm just gonna walk the dog in the park we don't have a dog i'll be in the park while we're on the side is anyone in favour of gay marriage who's in favor of gay marriage by shanghai who's your favorite gay marriage i'll tell you why you're wrong gay marriage will inevitably lead to gay divorce and that will be bitching i'll tell you what happened to me recently i was having a meeting in mayfair in london walked out of the restaurant while we were having the meeting and i bumped into a guy settling the big issue about 22 23 years of age and i got to talk with him i bought the big issue off him i buy it i don't read it i don't mind the big issue but you know magazine for the homeless there's not one advert for a flat they're not trying are they anyway got talking to this guy asked him what was going on in his life he said i'm looking for somewhere to live i said right we're in mayfair did you not play monopoly when you're a child you want to get yourself down the old ken roadmap it's not just an expression beggars can't be choosers i've got a cautionary tale for the men in the room this concerns you know the kind of ability that men have got to say something immediately they don't think about it just walk straight out or didn't know what said it they kind of think it and then talk it exactly the same time this happened to two friends of mine dave and susan they've been going out for years and years and years 10 years since college susan went home for the weekend see her parents they had sunday lunch together they got a little bit tipsy over lunch nothing them out without you would think lovely all the way up to hull to see them got drunk over sunday lunch somehow the topic of wife swapping came up and her parents for a joke said oh we were terrible for that back in the 70s oh keys in a bowl at a party oh terrible oh always doing it we don't know who your real dad is they said that to their daughter now she was fine at the time because she was drunk at lunch but then on the train ride home she starts to feel a bit grimy and horrible and oh oh huh and eventually she works herself up into a real state she thinks well maybe it was a joke on me maybe they were joking but i was the butt of the joke maybe they did do that in the 70s maybe he's not my real dad man oh god oh god she got into dave and of course what dave should have done he's taken her strong loving arms hey it's just a silly joke i'll pop the kettle on i'll make you a cup of tea i'll run you a bath that is what you should have done that's not what he did that's not what he said what he said without skipping a beat i've killed an african child but what he said without skipping a beat straight away uh who got your mum foreign pecks oh yeah you're not here for the jokes that's a bomb tits clearly kids are fun um every man in the room has now made their decision tits are bomb there's only two categories of men we'll leave that for another day it's two categories of men tits or bum i'd say every man in the room will have made their decision by now you might be sitting next to someone you've been married to for 18 years you might be thinking well actually our relationship is a little bit deeper than just tits or bumps we're best friends there's a spiritual connection it's been going you know it's a little bit more than just tits or bum mr funny man whereas he'll be thinking terrific norks the reason i mention is because i've never heard a woman make that distinction i've never once heard a woman say yeah [ __ ] i could take or leave but a nice set of clangers when i was at school if you got your right ear pierced it meant you were homosexual and if you got your left ear pierced it meant you were common and you lived on an estate i had a friend when i was at school called russell what i say was a friend he was actually someone that just came and sat next to me when i was five on the first day of school and continued to hang around for the next 17 years inviting himself along to things and just generally being there and getting in the way we've all got one of those haven't we if you're thinking i haven't it's you and i'm not proud of this but it happened we're at a party we got very drunk we're about 16 or 17 and he got really drunk russell he was kind of laid out drunk passed out on the floor and myself and my other friend anthony we shaved his eyebrows off he was really surprised but you couldn't tell does anyone in here work in the medical profession by any chance yeah what do you do you're a what sorry a ward sister well done that's a great job i always wanted to work in the medical profession i wanted to be a doctor or maybe if you'd worked harder no award sisters are perfectly it's a great job it's a brilliant thing i always wanted to work in the medical profession because you know i'd like the lab coat and i thought the stethoscope was cool and i thought chicks would like me chicks would like me i'm not quite sure what i was thinking but i could never become a doctor because i didn't have the chemistry of the mass or the physics you needed to get in and also i'm quite an uncaring person if someone's sick i sort of think [ __ ] them but i think i found a hospital in south london where i'll be able to get a job it's the ones worth hospice for incurable diseases how tough could that be you'd stroll in about 11 30 chat up a couple of nurses you know check what's for lunch a patient would come up can you do anything doctor did you not read the sign the only thing better than being a doctor i think would be to be a vet i'd love to be a vet because vets are like doctors they're admired in the community is there any vet scene by any chance you're a vet you're a student vet you have picked a winner the great thing about being a vet you're just a student but the great thing about being a vet is you've got the joker card you can play if you absolutely have to be somewhere at 6 30 you can play the joker card a big injection if you can't work out what the problem is or it's too much bother whoop gone that problem has gone away the veterinary surgery the local vets has got an incinerator out the back for a reason because they're busy people i've never once heard a doctor say yeah your 10 year old boy is out of good innings he's quite severely asthmatic you know we could keep him alive with pills and injections and whatnot but it's quite expensive and a little bit messy you're much easier if i just put them off to sleep with this and vet's always trying to sweeten the deal as well with the i could take care of the body for you yeah for 75 pounds it's a spaniel i live next to a canal you work it out i've got strange thing with doctors and nurses because i really do admire people in the medical community because i don't have you know a god in my life whatever so doctors and nurses are like secular gods they bring us into the world they let us you know take care of us when we're alive and let us die with dignity it's an extraordinary thing but i've never asked a doctor a nurse about that the only thing i've ever asked a doctor or nurse about when i've met one either socially or a gig is what's the weirdest thing you've ever pulled out of an ass really you pulled anything interesting out of the other batteries sorry hang on slow down batteries corks bottle tops pebbles tops of tennis spray cans that wasn't all one lady was it [Applause] if it was do you have a number she sounds like she'd be up for anything wow that's pretty grisly i had a story recently from a nurse about um she said the weirdest thing she ever pulled out when asked was a vibrator that's pretty plain vanilla so where they're meant to go he said the funny thing about it was when they when they x-rayed him it was still vibrating that's awful isn't it for many reasons i imagine the poor guy doing the x-ray was hitting the machine going this thing's on the fritz again he's standing there what an agonizing weight in a e though excuse me sir could you turn off your mobile phone it's not a mobile phone well what is it i've got a prosthetic [ __ ] vibrating my ass as you were i'm i'm guessing from you all after that you've pulled something weird out of your ass no there's definitely a story there definitely is it just made you laugh yeah did it when it came out when you put in do you know what we're leaving do you all carry donor cards bloomsbury clearly not well you all should carry donor cards it's a no-brainer if you die and you're in reasonably good health and i realize that's counterintuitive but if you die and you're in reasonably good health you can help 70 people 70 not just one or two not just the major organs they can take so much they can harvest the body and help so many people 70 they reckon you should all get a donor card the only thing i've written on my donor card is a clause enviro i've said i'd like all 70 things to go to the same person because that way it's less of a donation it's more a hostile takeover it's just me with new kidneys hooray i went out to dinner with my girlfriend out of nowhere she said would you still love me if i was a [ __ ] i thought hang on that's a silly question i'd leave if you put on half a stone obviously i didn't say that i said yeah i'd prefer it here's a piece of advice for you never leave electrical goods plugged in overnight two exceptions fridges and life supports you'll waste an awful lot of vegetables that was a bit harsh we better do something a bit lighter it's ironic that people with club feet tend not to be very good dancers has anyone here read stephen hawking's brief history of time did you understand it all no not fair i understood about half of it i think that's pretty good going though when you consider he wrote it with a i've straw him some slack there's bound to be some typos now i've got no problem doing jokes about disability it's fine it's just wordplay there's no prejudice in it there's no malice i would tell the same jokes if there was someone in with any of the conditions but i heard a brilliant story about a comic who did something truly truly terrible he's doing a gig turned up to the theater quite a well-known quite famous comic turned up to the theater i can't tell you his name it was quite a famous sort of tv comedian turns up to the theater it refuses to go on they said why won't you go on he's looked on from the wings he spotted that the front rows full of people in wheelchairs he said i'm not going on they said why why when you go on he said well a lot of my act is banter with the front row i tease and you know pick on the front row i don't feel comfortable with it i'm not going on they said what what i can't believe that he drove off you just left i thought jim gee they're making it easy for you why is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time say what you want about the death there's a company in america now making thongs you know the item of underwear size 26 and over that's big isn't it i just question is it necessary i think any pair of knickers over size 20 is a thong within four steps we're all familiar with the hungry bum syndrome i saw a woman earlier on the street looked like she was chewing a toffee i've discovered gentlemen the worst thing you can say when your girlfriend says to you does my bum look big in this he's not yes the worst thing you can say is let me step back get it all in my girlfriend used to get annoyed with me because i used to leave the toilet seat up so i don't do that anymore always always put it down yeah this is the woman that i love and i want to spend the rest of my life with it's only a little thing but little means a lot yeah of course there's no winning with her now she's annoyed because it's covered in piss they say don't masturbate you'll go blind yeah and if you get in your eyes aim away who do you think about when you masturbate her so do i she's lovely that was a good answer you think about your partner when you masturbate i think i'll put my hand on my heart speak on behalf of every man in here and say well we mastered we think about you ladies you think about our partners our wives and our girlfriends we think we do i do i always think of my girlfriend i think options walking she doesn't even know i've got these magazines i'd like to end by talking about threesomes because it tends to divide the sexes most men be quite up for a threesome with two girls most women don't really fancy that action if you're asked to bring a friend you tend to get a little bit offended i think it's because men are such bad communicators you know when we ask for that women sort of hear oh what i'm not enough woman for you you need two women to satisfy you because you're such a big man that's not what we're saying ladies what we're saying is wouldn't it be brilliant if after sex there was someone there for you to talk to thank you very much indeed cheers thank you i'm never quite sure how to take an encore i'm never quite sure what it means it either means we've had a lovely time with just like a few more minutes or 17 pounds for that you're having a [ __ ] laugh shall i tell you what this is like ladies and gentlemen it's very much like after talking to you for about an hour it's like being a dinner party and realizing you're the only one on cocaine you find yourself thinking they're not very chatty bunch if it wasn't for me this would be [ __ ] i was going to tell you a story about a gig i did recently i did a gig for mojo magazine it's a big you know pop magazine and uh did it get it went well i was doing their award show for them they invited me on they said yeah would you do our awards i said my pleasure lovely lots of rock stars and rock chicks be cool there was the awards there was just doing some 10 minutes stand up to begin with i told a slightly anti-american joke i said of course in britain we've got as much as you like restaurants whereas in america you've got as much as you can you've added that important ingredient competition so not only could you be enjoying a delicious meal you'd be beating a personal best that's the necessity for three pockets on the back of your jeans you fat [ __ ] and a voice from the back of the room shattered [ __ ] off i thought i presume you're american are you he said yes i said think of it as friendly fire he then shouted [ __ ] off again but louder i thought well i better deal with this i said i'm sorry ladies and gentlemen the only reason i got into comedy and doing this kind of thing is because i thought it would be a bit of a fanny magnet i wasn't expecting a [ __ ] like that [Applause] at which point the editor of mojo magazine who was sitting just down here got up and looked like he was going to come around to pull me off not like that huh that was funny well done no no you go ahead i saw a signal to him to stop i signaled to him to stop i said i'm sorry sir it's a it's a cheap shot it's a bull's-eye and i apologize unreservedly sir i did not mean to what i mean the thing was the line got a laugh but then there was a big there was an audible i thought how have i told to [ __ ] off there's a guy called anthony kiedis who's the lead singer of the red hot chili peppers and i've noticed on the way that he was on the cover of mojo magazine and i wasn't i thought this is a social faux pas of epic proportions you know and i thought well i better apologize unreserved i said i am sorry if i've caused any offense i'm sorry i did not mean to call you a [ __ ] i'm sure you're not i'm sure you don't have the depth or the capacity to give pleasure i'd say comfortably four minutes later i was presenting him with a lifetime achievement award [Applause] a chicken that has had its head chopped off can run the entire length of a football pitch before it dies that's what i call an opening ceremony my girlfriend used to think that magazines like zoo and nuts and fhm and maxim were pornographic until she found my real staff so i mean it goes the other way too you know men are no good at stopping and asking for directions would you agree with that ladies yeah men are no good at stopping and asking for directions of course on the other hand maybe wouldn't have to if you could read a [ __ ] map i've got no problem buying tampons i'm a fairly modern man but apparently they're not a proper present happy birthday mom listen thank you very much for coming out you've been a great audience thank you cheers good night hello i'm jimmy carr thanks for taking a break from the pornography to watch my youtube channel don't forget to click like and subscribe now back to jerking off

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 586,264

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, your face or mine, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, satire, jimmy carr full show, full show, jimmy carr stand up usa, jimmy carr stand up just for laughs, jimmy carr stand up netflix, jimmy carr stand up 2005, full, special, jimmy, carr, full shows episodes, full show grammys 2021, full show royal rumble 2021

Id: ho9rW3GXtNA

Length: 80min 16sec (4816 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 01 2021