Jimmy Roasting The Audience - VOL. 3 | Jimmy Carr

I don't know does anyone in here use Vodafone products by any chance anyone mainly people over there imagine that's where the reception is best I don't use Vodafone products and not because they're not good products I'm sure they're reasonably priced I'm sure they're reasonably well but I don't use them because I don't like their advertising slogan it's join the world's largest mobile community now correct me if I'm wrong that's the gypsy's to you if you want to dress in that manner and live in a lay-by it's very much up here I need any others PC in yet so have you said - at this point here this but there's a man covering his eyes now with a oh god she hasn't that's not your boyfriend I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one but you've said to a man is it in yet yeah but you've said that to me you've looked a man in the eyes are gone is in he's in you well you don't look down and check and you've got no feeling in your vagina whatsoever so without where hang on just make eye contact with me without looking down can you tell if there's a [ __ ] in you now if I couldn't be a comedian many people would say I can't be there is a school of thought that says what the [ __ ] is he doing gone if I couldn't be a comedian the same as you I would dress up as Amelie and wander the streets looking for adventure it's a good look I'm not I'm loving that but what do you do you're a student where are you starting you studying in London Canterbury oh never mind maybe if you've worked a little bit harder for your animals Canterbury universe a Canterbury why here is clearing cool where were you when you saw the apparition you were in a friend's house right her stepfather was muttering I think I may have cracked this case already there's a stepfather involved was there ectoplasm go wipe will you upstairs were you you ain't his son's bedroom course you were love he had died should have mentioned that sooner and then you started seeing weird [ __ ] I'm loving this there's a special name for people that I've seen ghosts schizophrenic all the best with your future any other thoughts questions he said if you will resume what flavored soup [Applause] is that who I think it is is that is that the bfg what kind of a soup would you be I would be a lovely delicious wontons I don't know what kind of a suit what kind of a soup would you be is there leading I do to Martin's bus we've got the loveliest voice in the world what sorry get you a date not a problem do you like thirteen-year-old boys [Applause] sorry buddy we're all having a laugh you're going is that gonna happen on your fine you're golden what's your name sir Steven Steve what do you do Steve I'm a dentist I don't like you are never going to cheaper to set the BFG you're wasted you should be doing voice-overs it's lovely there is a large digits lag she's pretty hot she's certain she's all right I don't know if you can see it can you say that beep she's all right could she stand out I thought did you cook your topple forward would you like to have a go on that [Applause] [Music] and said who really really quietly but it picked up an echo from her dream gonna be like to run a sausage up an alleyway I'm only kidding what's your name Adam tracy has anyone in here ever walked in on people having sex what did you walk in on sir your parents what kind of walk on a special hug was mummy doing my daddy what did you actually see when you walked in what what was you dad up to and I mean he's balls presumably better did you did you get an eyeful so obviously not my dad happy offer you'd have to think that was premeditated if you walked in Lee was ha this is gonna be brilliant you saw your parents because I presume you followed the classic air to get up walking on people having sex which you walk in I see oh you okay straight to therapy how old did you say you were sir you're 14 years old right what's your name Sam right let's say I'm driving you Sam I don't know 40 miles an hour and you run away at 10 miles an hour it's an aggregate of 30 isn't it no any of you giving yourself a chance of survival you've also learned a little something about maths swing-wing you're right girls yeah you probably don't even know your guy do you know you're gay you do you're fully aware okay oh yeah yeah no kids we've got a camera point to get your anything enjoy school the same with the flaming sambuca I was ever ordered one of those sober you have you've ordered a flaming sambuca sober it's your drink you order flaming sambucas the clue as to why you shouldn't order one madam he's the fact it's on fire if the equivalent of walking into a kitchen gonna move it thirsty as a glass and a tap and then spotting out the corner a gas hob the only reason I could possibly think of to order a flaming sambuca when sober is if you meet a girl and she's something just a little bit special yeah maybe you've been out on two or three dates you've established she's beautiful she's intelligent she's funny you think you might be in love with it you think she might be the one but she's got a bit of a problem with facial hair on the top lip that can be an awkward thing to bring up much better I think take her out for a drink two flaming sambucas please no no no they're both for you you're a new drink flaming sambucas as well what about some fun oh of course sorry I'm sorry I'm terribly sorry I was just thought I was asking kind of a London audience do you drink flaming sambucas when sober if I thought there were people in from Newcastle I would have said what do you like to drink to get you in the mood for a fight so what you down here on the Rob all the best sites in Newcastle I imagine the one where you go any other ultimate sexual fantasies schoolgirl and then you've pointed at your man yeah I think we've got we've got a special term for a schoolgirl fantasy now we call it pedo sorry so do you like what do you like it's a schoolgirl teacher schoolgirl oh really yeah no kids especially it's time for the schoolgirl uniform it's no it's good look at the positive you get to be on a list that's nice everyone in the neighborhood knows where you live that's convenient isn't it do you make her dress up as a schoolgirl she's done it half-hour wash and brought to my room I'm joking don't washer your looking slightly disapproving Emma your eyes I like the fact that you two looked incredibly rock-and-roll in a sea of middle-class what a wonderful thing what what you do you in a band or something yeah called Seibel what cyberdog why do you think I've got this it's rubber on the inside I might have a funky underpinning I don't know what a funky underpinning is that's how unfunny I am were you expecting more fresh metal at this gig yes I'm sorry to disappoint and your your partner their cities you've got a similar look about you what do you do sir you manage a fetish clothing shop whereabouts common gun it's a great spot for it what's the weirdest request you've ever had in the store someone wanted a douche bag 52 a cat suit they're all words I vaguely understand and yet when you say them what and what's a douche bag whoa douchebag I thought he said something else all right the device I have on my cat suit so I can defecate out will shortly fuse our cats who on you should really be going in the sandpit that's that's he's are you off to bye did we just say defecate at will and you were off have you been hypnotized at some point [Applause] should say lovely suit so many ladies out this evening especially a show starting at 7 o'clock the tea won't make itself you're just staring quietly judging yes quite right no you look quite annoyed you get it from him all the time do you you lucky girl I bet you love it sorry 1975 what do you do you work in a bookshop is it an adult bookshop in the children's section of an adult bookshop Fay's bad has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders like her someone's gone over there Oh your brother has but so that's kind of y'all what he's here it wasn't just a random I've got phobia but my brother has maybe you could help with that what's your name sir Kyle and you speak for him when you say your brother you're not from Paisley you're not going out or anything [Applause] what you do Carl what sorry nothing the now to new Carl and I just work shopping were coming up with a new children's character for Scotland he's called nothing than now the unemployed donkey nothing the now what the [ __ ] is that car well what do you do for a living you're unemployed I all right well good was lovely having you here especially in view of the fact a lot the taxpayers paid to you to [ __ ] beer [Applause] yeah let's face it we're in Glasgow there's a lot of people applauded that I've never paid any tax in their [ __ ] hearts hey there's tax on spirits isn't there what I'd like to do car my gift to you give something back to the community not just put care in it I'd like to cure you of your spear of spiders you up for this like Darren brown style with sort of hypnosis cure your fear of spiders you offer this fabulous alright cuz he's happening okay imagine Carl you're at home in bed under the duvet as snug as a bug in a rug and you're dreaming of whatever unemployed people in Glasgow dream of you know being on the social for another few years oh [ __ ] you know oh and then I sign my name and the check keep coming Oh okay so you're at home in bed oh but they're more I'm saying is you're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in you're under to do the safe and secure amor mmm three min away a spider Kyle sighs are my hand big hairy [ __ ] crawls on your face as you lie sleeping doesn't wake your car you're still dreaming of nice things buck fast and the like just sits there for a while on your face cars you sleep lazy tags in your tear ducts and scampers away to its enormous giant spider nest under your bed where it lives you can check later if you like do you wake up in the morning fresh as a daisy lovely ready for a busy day well you're awake anyway okay see you way off absolutely fine then it's morning that's but what about a week later you sit and reading the paper you know that's a weird itch a thousand spider touch of your eyes has that helped at all that needs work isn't it sorry if it's any consolation it's Annie Carl but murder I'll take a little photo yeah go on once she likes you watching her pee so sorry Daisy the question I get asked that every show it's weird that you would ask that sir because she likes a lot of people to watch her pee and is that your thing you like people to what you paid well clearly yes he didn't say that for no reason did it do you mean earlier when you said he was a feeder for making you dress up as a schoolgirl I think he might be payback time but surely you could just dress her as a schoolgirl I never do are we on you that's fine that plays into your whole pedo fantasy everyone's happy apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste and decency frankly horrified by you - what's your name sir Sam I said well sorry south well yeah definitely I need a surname for this I'm not in charge of the register don't worry interesting little fact for you obsessive Star Trek fans are known as virgins sorry are you a big Star Trek fan but you buy how old are you do you mind me asking you seem like the what sorry 20 right so definitely not a virgin in Glasgow um now I've been a comedian now for about 10 years I've been doing this job for about 10 years and I thought this year I thought this year I would try and get a bit better not a crazy idea right one of the things that was quite weak on with regional accents is anyone here good at regional accents you could barely say the word yes they're so not even good at talking nevermind accents we're better Scotland you from Fort William I don't know what the [ __ ] that is sorry you've got sort of an axe and meet your speech impediment I think the Loch Ness monster are you introducing yourself are there people in from the West Country not being patronizing I just will be a little treat for you to see a ham with five fingers anyway and it won't anyone from the UK that we've missed anyone any other place in the UK Jersey you haven't gone accent your tax-dodging scum [Applause] who knew there was that much auntie Jersey feeling it was simmering under finally someone said it you're basically French now [ __ ] off hello I'm Jimmy Carr thanks for visiting my youtube channel if you haven't subscribed ah the [ __ ]

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 2,248,781

Rating: 4.9106226 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy carr laugh, satire, best of jimmy carr, jimmy carr compilation, stand up comedy, stand up comedian, jimmy carr funny, jimmy carr roasting, jimmy carr roast, audience roast, comedy roast, celebrity roast, roast insults, jimmy carr insulting, jimmy carr offensive, audience interaction, jimmy carr heckles, jimmy carr hecklers, heckle, heckle comebacks

Id: gaULiJjIplI

Length: 20min 23sec (1223 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 21 2020