Jackie Mason on Broadway American comedian makes fun of Italians Israelis Jews entertaining audience

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] a Broadway but I'll find it sure there's no financial people it's a whole new type of an idea because we found out that furniture got not the daughter show every time you go this year's show instead of watching people talking as chairs and tables coming and going kitchen sets and living rooms who needs kitchen sets of living rooms what does it got to do with a show when you go to a furniture store let me show you a comedian that's my best joke mr. C too often it's got a lot of quality first of all this is a one-man show which decides a lot of people you know a lot of people say who is one Jew that make such a comfortable living but that's another thing you don't need two people for one show why is it that subconsciously people somehow feel that the more people they see the better the show you ever notice that Mister people enjoy a show because there's more people that they see dumb people pretty good show 40 people water so much did you enjoy it I don't know because it people need a crowd what is a crowd that the doula show with all great things all great things throughout history were accomplished by one question waking alone Michelangelo the greatest painter in my opinion whether lift was Michelangelo Wow because he faked the whole Sistine Chapel all by himself I am so not there were thousands of people with brushes he could have said mister how bout the ceiling needs painting but in that nest the help did the whole ceiling all by himself to complain to you because the man was a schmuck because the truth is it doesn't have to take 30 years to pay the ceiling I got a brother-in-law two kitchens in the toilet where's he dude this is no job for a brush Corollas does the same thing see you see this show is not for everybody I don't know if you noticed I realized that as soon as you came in here there's a part of me it doesn't bother me some people like a song don't let's be honest like I have a girlfriend my girlfriend to me is the most wonderful most remarkable person in the world that's the me but my wife it's a guy keeps teriyaki I don't care if you live for that pissed I got enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I wanna buy some happy honestly to the kind of Spencer I am I'll never notice it if I make a living or not anyway who needs a lot of money that's another sickness to spend a lot of money you show me a big spender I'll show you a sick man every time big spenders are sick people trying to make impressions at so if no quakes like an average guy makes a date with a girl right away he has to spend 100 200 500 900 I make a date for the girl Cosby not not I come up to her she want to go let's my business after follow her rather well let's be honest why does a guy take a girl off in the first place she takes her out so he could be with her when she comes back I'm there already there's another fraud the whole dating system in this country is a study enough mockery and fraud and chicanery and deception that's all it really is the most honest man in the world as soon as he makes a date it becomes a liar and a fraud every man I don't care who yes right away you start talking hello did you eat yet every date starts out with that question did you have dinner what the hell is it dinner got to do with what you wanted this girl took her out because of it did is that what you want from her answer the question before I try out the date has thought the door the dinner let's be honest about a guy takes a girl out only one reason for she appeals to him sexually not nice to mention it motive sex but wasn't sexy what they got his brother I think he can reach her sex because it's not nice they're not supposed to wallet she's allowed to do it but not if she wanted he's not supposed to know what you want because she's not supposed to know that that's what she's gonna do she's supposed to convince herself she don't intend to she don't want to avoid so you have to figure out how to get there without talking so she can do it without here so it's becomes a study abroad by a bad snake hello did you eat yet only best are the only Ava's poison left the only one I stand outside of a restaurant I wait to see who waited our way out I say hello dissenters at that I want to talk about these things because this show is not about sex and I'm proud of that fact I'm proud of the fact that this the only clean show probably on Broadway or anyplace else I don't think there's a clean show left anyway outside of this show every film today is about one thing sex and sex that's all you hear about and every show we're living through a period of the vulgar ization of American standards American culture American entertainment everything became sex heavy major another today it's about sex so do you hear about every major movie sex and sex why don't they talk about something else why don't they talk about music don't you think music is more important than sex I mean for men in your condition I always thought the music was more pop that's the truth I always did then I started to notice that if I don't hear a concert for year and a half I shouldn't say the joke like that cause there's a lot of focusing right right there's a lot of well you thought you was the only one you can't tell who's a hooker a lot get up I want to show them an example I always wonder about that what makes a place to become a hooker let's take your cases I hope the Jewish ago said they were Italian I'll get killed yet that happens to be the truth that you call of Italian girls okay your life is a danger somebody don't kill you kill you in a second they call their Jewish girl no kidding right Oh well did you notice it was I standing like this actually actually if you stop to think of it the Jewish girls are right they are right because it is a compliment to say that somebody looks like oh people never think of it but it is a compliment it's a great compliment what you're saying and this is a beautiful woman that's what you say you have to be a beautiful woman to make a living from that field let's be honest the short fat lady can you give me 80 cents to say that somebody to say that somebody looks like a wife is no compliment because a wife that looks at wants a hug it's a wizard and it still cost you fifty thousand a year if you George even if you're Italian alright twelve thousand let's say you're a Puerto Rican atomic next I told you before mister I don't care if you live or not he keeps Terry don't bother me you know why I don't wanna first thank God I know who are you and I'm Provident because there was a time I didn't know who I was I don't know if you heard about I didn't know who I was I went to psychiatrist I'm not ashamed to admit I did he took a look at me right away he said this is not you I said this is the Peter who is a teacher that don't know really I said the wari do for you said to find out who you are we said together we're gonna look for the real you I said if I don't know who I am how I know what a lot but even if I find me how I know if it's me sighs if I want to look for me what do I need him I can look myself or I can take my friends we know where I was besides I said I so fun if I find the real me and I find that he's even worse than me what why did I don't make enough for myself I need a pop ten years ago I'll be glad to look for anybody now I'm doing good my shadow pay him he needs help let him look he said the search for the real you will have to continue that'll be $100 shut off this another will be why should I give him doctor I look for the real me let him give the holiday what if I find the real me you don't think it's wipeout hard enough then I'm stuck my money with the real him except there's a flower I know the real me might be going to a different psychiatrist all right even be a psychiatrist observe I wouldn't be funny if you're the real me and you won't be are [Applause] [Music] I'll charge you $50 for quality ah we come to the highlight whatever is going on in this show first of all this is a map of the world I explained it because I could see there's people who have no idea what's going on what is the main problem of the world today the main problem of the world is hate there's more hate all over the world today than ever before hate is the main problem it's all over the world a lot of people think is just in this section this is all over the world that real question is what's causing all this hate this is supposed to be the most civilized error in human history we're all indoctrinated with the collective teachings of all the religions of the world that teach us what anybody the cheaters Brotherhood more luminous let's take the issues of the world today let's start with Africa what is the main problem in Africa Libyan terrorism is happening primarily because of the issue of Palestine it expresses the frustrations of the Arabs because they cannot fight as real and equal things because Israel turns out to have the toughest ami men for men in the world today that toughest ami that's a fact I was in Israel I saw that uh I couldn't believe it I thought they were Puerto Ricans they even thought people like water we could say Jana karana Canada karateka why do you think why do you think Israel one the first was six days when a Jewish general couldn't even see what he was doing but the whole time with the patch looking we're so lucky think the Arabs came from this side if they came from that I'll ask a better question who do you think drove the Jewish tanks in that war for American soldiers that's right what do you think a Jew is gonna get out of a Mercedes to drive that thing I'll tell you another story you probably did not do you know that Israel has the hydrogen bomb the hydrogen bomb they've had it for 20 years for 20 years never used you know one costs 287 billion dollars now you think they're gonna throw it away on a night they told you want to see it come over it's a dollar I'll tell you another thing do you know that Israel could have had the Suez Canal at that what would Egypt a lot of people don't know that either the Suez Canal they could've had it they didn't want there's no boardwalk what you know everybody everybody all over the world is amazed there are literally amazing that the unbelievable might that the Israeli army because it's a direct contradiction to everything you know about the juices of people Jews traditionally whenever fighters say historical fact that Jews were always pacifists they're always a both violence Jews were the first persecuted for that very reason they're always believed in non-violence that's why they stopped Jews any place in the world outside of Israel you cannot find the top Jew do you ever see a tough Joe in this country I never saw for black people walking in the street and say watch out [Applause] let's be honest you ever see anybody afraid to walk into a Jewish neighborhood because he might get killed by a cop the truth is that at this country Jews don't fight today don't they almost fight they almost fight every - I know almost killed somebody hello a tag if he said whoa whoa whoa he would have been dead today I was ready I was wait one more wait what's that way nobody in those sea Italians are just the opposite ping what do you say see Italians are just the opposite of Jews but you cannot fight in the street but a nanami kicking italians are just the opposite in a street now Kenya in a second but somehow if you put him in an army and the time he gets weird at me I get my uniform I say fight now did you hear what happened Jews attack the Arabs the Italian army surrenders I'd like to see a war between the Arabs of the Italians nobody will get a right that I make a phone I don't make fun of the time people are many Italians here no let's tell the truth [Applause] I'm kidding I love the Italian people I still love them they go I love them I'm crazy about them woman decided to my best friend there's a guy here fat and hip Jewish he came by at wholesale he steals wait wait I got another friend he's half polish I have Jewish he's a janitor but he owns the building wait wait I got another face I got a friend him German and here polish hates Jews can't remember why let's leave these jokes out these jokes are ethnic jokes and I can't stand them I don't make fun of Polish people and I hate anybody who does but something about not just to me about Polish jokes it always makes it sound like Polish people are dumb but it's stupid they're idiots I say it's nobody's business that's why I'd never make fun of Polish people they're the most intelligent people in the world why don't they take a schmuck like you believe no see that they couldn't find the bill they fight the bill that's not nice to say I'm sure there are all these people they just don't understand the question see that's the kind of a joke I find up nauseous I just wanted to see how low you want the left a joke like that it's really disgusting to make fun of Polish people by the way too gay about the Polish accountant or was an embezzler ran away with the accounts payable [Applause] I just show you an example and that's why I would never tell a joke like that as I find it push the offensive and degrading that dull jokes like that cuz I never cared if a man is a Jew or a Gentile that's why I'm such a hit I never cared what a poison is I don't care for Minnesota Rica well they should be a little I'm kidding I love the Puerto Rican people I got a photo Rico every just a visit my hubcaps I never understood why people laugh at minorities I'm always offended by those type of jokes I hear you ought to thank God for all the people of this country no matter what they know I'm a nation what their religion why do we need a democracy for if we're gonna let that people from denominations and religions we ought to thank God for them I thank God for the Puerto Rican people they brought back some to this country that is almost lost cockroaches I'm not thinking of Puerto Ricans when I say that let's be honest all four people what's that cockroaches I'm not picking on them you're Jewish or Italian there were ones cockroaches in your house too let's be honest the only people never had cockroaches are white Protestant America Gentiles had a cockroach you know why there's no food [Applause] let's be honest I'm watching a cockroach drink [Applause] you can kill a cockroach and adjust at home it's always drunkards hear me the Jewish cockroach you could kill in a second weighs 300 pounds just need approve Danish that's why I'd never make fun of denominations or religions and I can't stand jokes like that but I thank God for this democracy it's like Ronald Reagan said last night and he said a brilliant thing and don't think it's easy for Ronald Reagan to say don't get nervous I'm not gonna make fun of the president the United States I can't and everybody makes fun of a person just because he doesn't know what he's doing I think travel Viggen is probably one of the greatest presidents I never left that's right just so happy this is not his field rather what happens he jumps on a horse eats jelly beans a rug he is so busy they keep our mr. president so no type of a president every other president we ever had always looked troubled and miserable and nauseous as soon as they were elected they became miserable remember Todd I look to province of music Johnson was nauseous and Nixon's of this guy or the other presidents who figure out what to do because it was made I think they were overworked they couldn't figure out the solution this meant although there's a problem that's why it looks younger and younger every day it gets left because Grundy he is so happy is the happiest president we ever had I found out why he's so happy he can't believe he got the job why do you think he's the first person we ever had to look for a job here every day even when he's doing nothing he looks so happy doing but new think he did it already he came back for wreck away from that meeting with Gorbachev what happened he said nothing everybody say thanks then he jumped on a horse we're gone I shouldn't say there's nothing about everything about certain things he did a lot not about our Salvador El Salvador Nicaragua no but what he's found out there's two black people and a in Grenada he wiped them out that and a problem the sin think Juanita has never attacked this for years I couldn't sleep nights I kept wondering that you here from Grenada the people love him because he's fine he's fine he doesn't might be different size of an issue every day but he's always fine no matter which side he's on he says that how do you feel about abortion I'm against it unless the girl is pregnant the people still love him they love a man who stuffed him for him when he's doing something or not I figured don't bother him why should it bother you and okay that's why don't worry voted for Monday because Mantha reminded anybody of Cara always nauseous and miserably he made the whole campaign about one issue the deficit is deficit I never saw such a a deficit I yet Reagan gave the perfect answer he said there's no deficit everybody says but there is he said so nervous they said what do we do mother said don't mix me up anyway thought they worked out a whole plan how to solve the problem of the deficit the plan was brilliant there was a brilliant plan he said if you spend more more money on defense and you thinkin listen listen taxes as it all balances more and more it balances out but this work he said but he's brilliant at this event scale situation he explained it perfectly everybody was accusing him but he had a whole explanation for everything he didn't live round in his exploration what a brilliant explanation first of all in a Baha'i debauch Penasco who told somebody told him but he was a listening there was a guy talking but he does know about what all he knows is that he remember something he doesn't remember what he did for any members that he should have remembered something that he can remember right but the only thing remembers definitely is that he forgot for the lost farmer the most part they said to me made a big mistake he said I never made a mistake but you did well maybe I made a little mistake it was an important mistake because I didn't know I had the job at the time I do I was wakened I forgot where I deliver president I forgot which country I was elected where but I knew that whatever I know it's not my business that's tough I feel that besides when they told me I couldn't avoid it because they were talking on this side you don't remember what the laws don't remember not remember the tower Commission made a report that he made a big mistake so he went back on television at the time when he announced this is the biggest mistake I ever made about what [Applause] originally initially when if I started he played that he never said Tom Steyer they said but you did send art well maybe it was more long because only for short people at can hide anybody they said was there was not a country involved there was not another country well we have proof that there was a dollar all you have proof the funniest thing is that Donald he was rated ever involved with this whole situation but according to the hearings nobody was empowered CIA was never about the State Department of a hater product the Defense Department ever did it his whole government did it without a government there was no government at that time in this country when this happened after you accused people who did not have a government turns out that one guy by the name of North will never make more than $85 a week was controlling the whole world [Music] event to these people I trust hot hot sounds like a talisman he had a great explanation for what happened you boy hot sex it looked like a girl but it wasn't really about the thought it was a girl about all girls I mean the girls they come up like girls forget about it talk to me why did you go through the back door she thought it was the front door what was she doing that she was looking for a job five o'clock in the morning then he said he couldn't have done anything but he was only never after five minutes then his wife said to him five minutes I'm sorry he's not gonna be President he would have been on top of everything [Applause] he makes Reagan look like a novice pet do you believe a bed without the one I was beautiful women in the world hero Minster on boats on planes and ships and tanks all over the world go by himself for ten weeks for forty thousand dollars just to do nothing do you believe he did not answer the question electro yeah if he did not I certainly don't want him for president I got on a sex maniac than a total schmuck see the got a suitable president thus Ted Kennedy is the guy to children present but he'll never make it because nobody knows what he's talking about fun for the budget year gonna be talking about what they ask them oh why do people Shane and I are never that all I say give me the puppy because have a country oh I never should he be minimum can be and everybody said he's right the most brilliant man in the world that's what you had your Kissinger there's a pretty thing Henry Kissinger attack today planet and if Parker Parker he fitted the many people they pocket a phosphate rock and hip-hop I would never cheat many people have said to me but I always share GGG part otherwise chopped yo he's not such a great speaker let's be there's only one great speaker left in this country Jesse Jackson he's probably the greatest speaker of our time that's right people believe him even if they don't know what he's talking about cause everything rhymes it sounds like it makes sense because it rhymes I don't [Applause] people's little bed Hockaday to them another one said that's it he's so excited that's why you can take prisoners are there countries who don't even wanna go it goes with any country in the house I don't take the weather you want I thought think it's fun I don't make fun of great people you don't hear me make fun of but not for beggin so you know why for the truly great men of our time is but not for Megan the ex Prime Minister of Israel most brilliant orator will probably ever lived the greatest thinker the greatest speaker the ways that Menachem Begin has uttered will live forever nobody will ever forget Aminata Bagan said those immortal words take a look will see what Richard Nixon is really the greatest man about them you know a lot of people hated Nixon I always loved mixed the compared to these people I love them I love a crook who knows his business but next to life is interesting every Nader was optimistic you didn't know me you could see it they took it I used to get up every morning to see if my friend is I think Nixon was the greatest genius of political history the greatest genius you know what he accomplished every week they caught up and every week somebody else went to jail I think kept saying I don't know what they're talking about be presenting you shouldn't even pick condoms got phlebitis it's it's not phlebitis it came through 200 million people a wind-up with phlebitis yeah very careful what I say about people I don't talk this way about Ronald Reagan was I'm not Ronald Reagan is an honorable man who didn't get and you shouldn't wake up for the deficit either because the deficit is not his fault it's not his fault he can do nothing about it this is no job for a Gentile we need a Jewish president we need somebody who's had a show of profits at his country this is the richest country in the history of the world and every year we lose money we have had one successful season yet somebody's fooling around with the books that's not the real reason the real reason is that the Congress in the Senate they get paid where do we lose money on that so they don't even care why should they care I said put them on commission I hope I first have to apologize to you people for sitting down because there's a lot of people resent it when a performer sits down I love a show you know is a kind of tradition and data that a performer keep standing no matter what he's the only one in the building that has to stand the whole night and people think you have to respect that tradition which is a stupid tradition let's be honest about why should I be the only one that has to stand the whole night I owe it to you to do the best job I can not only owe it to you to be a privilege and I should thank god you're here so I naturally want to do the best I can but whether I stand or sit at your business mr. fat your business who the hell are you to tell me I have to go make your sets I'm the star of this building let's be honest let me place else you might be more important to me god bless you I hope you are but not here here I'm the star and you're not mr. nobody came here to see you I don't know if you like he wasn't here yesterday anybody asked me nobody so I figured it out if I'm the star why should I have to stand to talk to you you should be standing to watch me so I made up my mind I'll sit if you want to stand it's up to you doesn't make those sets that I'm not thrilled to be I'm thrilled because I'm through before I was told to be in Beverly Hills where I was a big hit too I thought I'm the only one Beverly Hills everybody's a hit to ever live web the lives in Beverly Hills can get over they all walk around Beverly Lou I live in Beverly Hills you do need to look good over there they don't walk they dance I live in Beverly Hills you to me to you to weave this I can't get over the fact they left me such a status symbol to live there that even the people who don't live there convinced themselves that they live there everybody that's around the area as soon as you meet them they always tell you the same thing I live just outside of them it's not exactly outside it's inside they forgot to call it they almost call it they could've called I don't know why they didn't they should have I heard they did they almost they wanted to we are far from Beverly Hills I all about 90 miles this way they all live in the same town they live in a town called adjacent I live adjacent I don't know why it's such a status symbol to live in Beverly Hills I think a normal person would never want to live there why would you want to live in a place where you never find another human being you never to see a person in Beverly Hills even the cars have no drivers here there's 90,000 homes there no people it looks like everybody passed away a hundred years ago you never see a person you just see gates opening and closing you got on why you see a Japanese garden v nobody have a hired of nobody ever paid it Berkeley Hills you only see people are restaurants the only place you see people they come from the surrounding area to in a Beverly Hills restaurant them feel important by talking deals deals the deals are never less than 90 billion 100 billion zillion trillion these are people without a job without a job it's never less than 50 billion a zillion then a check comes four dollar record and four people run like something for the Beverly Hills everybody is a producer whether you meet these are producing they all tell you the same thing on a producer is my car there's my car I'm a producer that's all they produce gods and they didn't have just one car they got a carton every bucket this is a company I'm buying is the company I'm selling I'm going into this company as my other company as a company I went into I'm coming oh there's a company God said come are you making a living not right now he's starving to death but the printer is making a force you know what they'll say all have they all have a Mercedes you must have a Mercedes to live in Beverly Hills it can be a producer with other Mercedes everybody their hazardous ADEs the car never wolves they got some money figure but they all have a Mercedes is just like she reversed it's the same way in but you live as co-host but other Mercedes if you've got the Mercedes you gotta get out of town immediately you can't justify your existence Encino is the her let's do you have a Mercedes now this is ironic because in every other town in this country if a man has a Cadillac he looks like a millionaire people think of you as a successful man if you have a Cadillac at any other time people say you have a catalog you're the celebrity of the neighborhood if you got a Cadillac but a Cedar Ridge top of the hills if a guy has a Cadillac he's so embarrassed by the caliber they have a whole speech prepared this is not my regular car I don't know how it got here I told my sister-in-law get the car outta here I pity a gentle and Cedarhurst of Beverly Hills because of a gentle can afford a Mercedes he has no excuse there's no excuse what can he tell you has to admit he can afford but you can't afford a Mercedes he thanks God is Jewish every Jew can afford a Mercedes all tell you the same thing you think I'm gonna buy a German car you are let me through this house is from Germany is as a camera from Germany a watch from Germany everything up to 68 50 is from Germany but as soon as he found other cars 50,000 those nut see back you know what's even funnier not to you but a noble poison with leopard but see them funny is how everybody who owns a Mercedes is nauseous whatever they see somebody in a Rolls Royce that's right they feel like a hit they got a Mercedes but just there look at Beverly Hills there's one Rolls Royce and they're not gonna admit they can afford a Rolls Royce so they teach if to buy it but it's been doing their lives love sing up Rolls Royces everybody Mercedes will tell you the same thing I wouldn't take that Rolls Royce if you gave it to me for not yeah it's the waste car the why's the worst they're always in the shop you can get the model shop they're there in the shop you can't get there in this job is it how come I see so many Rolls Royces they're on their way to the shop but let's get back to the producers the producers to be out of funniest people the world Oh buddy and the world is as big a phony as a producer there's legitimate producers too but most of them never lived to make a picture and even if they do make a picture the only thing they ever talk about is never something like budgets or problems that are real the only thing they talk about is weight to put the sex scene in every movie that's all they talk about where the sex scene is gonna be you'll notice if you go to the movies today every picture no matter what the subject matter is has a sex scene someplace and they always rationalize it and justify it the same way that everybody has sex so you have to show it you have to show what everybody does they're not interested in pornography pornography is disgusting about sex sex is another story everybody doesn't you have to show what everybody does and I keep saying to them everybody also has soup how come I never see soup in any movie let's be honest about a boat people have soup then sex you'll look to me like you have enough sex but I'm sure you're ready to sue I never heard anybody say I'm so tired to get the soup your wife ever said you got such a hey soup is out you know it's even funnier than this that they stop children from seeing if they have rating systems to stop children so it should not become corrupted by seeing too much sex in a movie now they allow adults to see it if you're worried about the morality of a society why would you allow adults to see it who am I talking to and the thoughts can really be corrupted by it they know what they're doing they can't imitate it can never affect the child because the child has no idea what they do any psychologist will tell you when children see two people in the actual sex act they have no idea that sex how would they know this is sex - people are sweating jumping try the clock man they're so busy singing they think it's a murder case on how they know this is sex they think somebody's gonna get killed that ability how could they figure it out all of a sudden he's knocked out and she's dancing kids go crazy where did that punch come from and who's that punch you think that could figure out have a little girl got passage at hope they poisoned oh I get too excited I gotta get out that's not the real question the real question is how does it adult go to the movies today at all because you can't follow won't worry you can't follow what worried and any of today's new pictures you know what would anybody is saying when you go to the movies who's the biggest star in pictures Sylvester Stallone so Vesta Stallone is the biggest star nobody ever heard one boy dish well he do for a living I talk and people say you deserve so much money in Hawaii because he saw hits is he really hits him you take away spin see here and the way it's built what do you got it so happens another ten times better than if I happen to have a great body his body is perfect it's a crooked body it goes like this you see me perfect no mistakes I talk English I don't walk around butcher I really resent that I said to myself who the hell is he to make such a fortune and I have to talk like this I said I could talk like him that's no trick I can make the same about the money I spent all day wasting today I took a taxi did you hear about it I said that I driver he took me I said that how did you go where I was wrong [Applause] just forget about Sylvester Stallone as vet tastes to pick uh Sylvester Stallone the truth about is it's bad taste that'll make a living god blessed me first of all all this type of terminology didn't start with him man English started but off a Hitchcock Alfred Hitchcock when he came on television about twenty years ago he said to the whole country who we're walking in here the initiative that's this week next two weeks imagine you sitting at your house you're having dinner ye I don't know how he got away with me because I remember a time not that many years ago when every act I really had to sound like an actor there was a time that an actor took speech lessons and diction lessons allocution lessons by the time you saw them on the screen every word every world was impeccably perfect their flesh and style you knew this was an act remember James Cagney why was he such a great star get up and take him with you it was such a great star because every word every word with James Cagney talk you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] see there was great great symbolism and significance of what you just heard the turbulence that you heard this music surrounding the juices of people represented the violence had always took place wherever the Jews went as a people they're always the first point secured by all the other denominations of the world everywhere on the sides Jews were persecuted everywhere even here this is the greatest democracy that ever existed that even here Jews were always personally why who cause why did it happen who's responsible [Applause] oh no he would be sitting right in front of it and it's not nice to pick on him because he did not do it alone this was his part it's not nice to say just juice it's self-serving to say only Jews everybody was once persecuted even in this country when they were always persecuted nobody ever the time did his persecution but what was it why did women need a women's lib movement to fight for equality because they never truly an equality how do we accept the idea that one citizen is better than another on the basis of anything you understand this mister don't you know that everybody was once by security even the Irish were once by security they were too drunk at noticing eleska very first why is it that white Protestant American Gentiles and the only happy people in America I don't know if you ever noticed any psychologist will tell you the only people are happy they don't know where they are where they go on what they do they don't have a deal pending that the admission nothing bothers them so everything is ok better or not as long as they're living they're walking they don't know why we're not important why is it that every Jew is working my dishes I have to become a partner something out on the water why does every to have to become a pop because Jews could never get jobs historically speaking they couldn't it's only recently the Jews have achieved some degree of equality but before they couldn't get jobs the reason that Jews became businessmen was to overcome persecution they were psyched inventing the system by becoming businessman that's why Jews I won't business went to this day but if they have a business on that is not important their business say how long 10 a Jew don't mix me up I got a deal pending viju has a deal he can be working in a toilet but he's gone public did you ever notice but I do care make a living it's never his fault never his fault if a Gentile can't make a little bit wins himself is just how do you like that okay come on but I do was raised to think you should overcome the system by being successful so he has to convince himself that it's never his fault that's always one of your pictures and everything every Jew has a list of some other clap for those besties you know what kind of money I would be wait today you know Saturday every Jew those are building he coulda bought 20 years ago for $9 they'll all tell you know what that building is wait today 147 million they talked me out of it Oh son of a you tell about it to buy something loud now it's too late this looks like a Jewish husband who's afraid to let that's another thing that's true about use their faith the left they have to get permission they white folks but Jeb that takes out funny in the lips if a jew thinks up when he looks at her it's funny it's funny funny he's not it's up to you it's up to you oh I thought it was whatever you say whatever every two Spencer's whole life like that you're right you're right your hair no you're not I talk to you over all right mr. Donnell get up we'll get up all right your mother's dead why is Jewish husband is the oldest intimidated husband of all the people the world he is the most activity of all the people that work Gentiles are never intimidated never my dear wife's is a Jews what is this about the Jew that makes it so intimidated by a Yenta without a job why is it when you watch an Italian on the audience an Italian has a whole different cultural attitude toward his wife Donna do this so holder for this tree in a holder fanatic that Agnes it's like a tough guy sits like this they come out his wife assistant leader Jewish couples are just the opposite she should name because he knows he also money he came him on the lot every Jew is a depth oriental without a job she stopped working on yours immersion every time she sees a value of Persephone he was living in your house for nothing you understand this who the hell is she to give you water years ago a Jewish might cook for your plate for you white clear but today let's be honest today what a Jewish woman says I do that's the last thing she does and he's still intimidated by this yet that girl is this why is he so intimidated by oh this is ironic cuz a Jewish husband usually is a guy who's suffered and struggled to get ahead is usually a pop man every company and all day long everybody's saying to him that's a yes so does the opposite thought there's all house at that seconds lady becomes a garbage collect there is the garbage and the is taking ugly she hasn't cooked a meal of nine years witness garbage [Applause] we collect garbage from all over the world finish mopping now for the tagging as garbage you can understand this because I'd Italian wife is still in the kitchen Italian women are still in the kitchen they're afraid to leave the kitchen but with any Italian home I don't care if it's four o'clock in the morning sources are flying saucer the whole house got sauces in the kitchen and the toilet is a sauce olive and a building in case she comes home I got the sauce it was she's afraid to leave the kitchen Jewish brides are just the opposite they cannot find the kitchen there's no the special homes not for Jewish wives doctors they see a kitchen they get a heart attack what am I gonna do before I make one meal they make 12 deals if I cook today I don't cook tomorrow Friday I'm in a Chinese restaurant every two that gets married knows he's gonna spend the rest of his life from one Chinese they make a deal with a child even before the wedding that this will be a I hate Chinamen moment you notice that they never the Jewish restaurant for five thousand years every two is eating at a Chinese restaurant never seen one of the Jewish restaurant cosine of X I know you're not a that said to me I looked up a basic a filter [Applause] I'm not pickin up people it's not my nature you know a lot of people resent this Patil they say I generalize about usage 10,000 differences everybody goes there is a difference between Jews and Gentiles if there wasn't a difference I would have no act at all the truth is these are very profound difference you can tell yourself if you want to study people you can always tell the difference is there a Johanna gender all you have to do is watch them leaving this bullet you'll know yourself exactly who the Jews are who they jumped on so if you watch them cause every Gentile live in this building he's gonna say the same thing every thing who's that guy I don't know give my grant who's on the floor talk about get my crank great yeah great oh yeah sold I'll talk about that every jewel be saying the same thing though did you eat yet [Applause] it's a simple fact that Jettas never finished drinking a juice never finish it they never finish it what do you think to talk about for breakfast way to eat lunch well we should we have the declaration we have coffee but we have profits we didn't have cake [Music] let's go after anybody we didn't have cake four o'clock in the morning let's have sex we had sex but we didn't have cake they carefully sheet that they all say the same thing I don't know why I gained weight you know the Jewish people are the only people the world will gain weight in when they go to a gym or a health club to lose weight watch Gentiles in a gym or health club you ever see how busy they are swimming jumping barbells dope those dumbbells the clock perhaps or busy they're crashing into walls into furniture stretching in clock but let me do as other bicycles [Applause] the proof is if you take a look at any two as justice collapsing but his legs up blowing everything I'm telling is the truth why do you think you'd ever see a Jew in a bar you never see a Jew in a bar I don't mean a real pickup joint where lowlifes run around picking up girls like this man don't these people in a real bar it is real drinking going on don't live to see a juvie never unless he got close looking for a piece of cake does issue is not comfortable in a bar they're not comfortable they just like a gent I was not too comfortable nervously magenta walks into a restaurant they're very nervous they walk in there how do you do never see how a true walks into a restaurant like a pop OH let me see my table no matter which table your job you pull this a table for men like me I don't sit so close to the wall so far with my wife don't like the face this way I don't like the face that way while there's so many people in this section they could be moved over here the judge has a formula reading the Jews are picking furniture it takes them three hours to pick on the table that they start a whole new fight why is it so drafty [Applause] ever see ever see Gentiles are lighter the restaurant the funeral same for 12 years I'll never complain I'll never say away can also ever do for a minute what's taking so long I would say before that lousy before them they didn't come in before he came down he sat down before you girl [Applause] everyone's ejecta so sleepy you see cold food is not a very important factor to a Gentile it's an amazing difference that I read okay it's emotional experience it doesn't mean nothing to them they eat it they don't they got it they didn't it's not important they wait for the meal to come they could fall asleep if it showed up they don't remember it's not enough they can't get emotionally involved vote you understand this they let's say scrambled eggs with french fries the ornament that comes or not they don't remember never see a Jew or the scrambled eggs and french fries it's an emotional experience into two major problem this is I don't want the eggs over like that the one I don't like I don't want to do heavy I don't want to blow out the one I'm high I don't want it's very scrambled out what it's like this wanted to solve a little hot and I don't want a lot of my job and I don't wanna thought the same place then I want the French fries I don't want to well done everybody and I wanna thought I'm gonna play then I want the coffee I don't want to be hard I wanted another plate then I want the cream cheese I don't want the cream cheese little bottle I wanted next to the bottom and I want a lot of cream cheese I want a little cream cheese and I don't want it hard I want it soft and I want it on another plate then I want to go to jail I want another think about another glass I want to work [Applause] a lot of people say I'm depicting Jews as push you're demanding this has not little being pushy other men Gentiles are just as particular about the things they know about what do you think a Gentile just buys any gun Hansa his field these oh she wants a backup to Magnum for 27:39 he saw Gunther Jew or gun take a look gods are not for Jews let's be honest you ever see a Jew joiner Rifle Association nothing unless this Buffy ain't gay it's on coffee and cake those are the Ku Klux Klan where's that the other sea turtles go to Europe they come back with pictures of statues museums Jews come back I get a piece I don't know what they do to the cake in Austria there's no such cake anywhere in the world I did miss you so if you don't need an Austrian cake you got not I don't know what it is tell me display the tensions are packing whale on toast about you know a lot of people resent that especially Jews do the way I do this routine because they say I'm depicting Jews as eating 10 pounds as much as Gentiles why should I make such an issue the simple fact is that Jews eat ten times as much as death it's no accident is in cos of all seven feet tall they weigh two pounds over four foot nine and built for Jews never finish it there's a historical reason for this - historical reasons for these things Jews were always persecuted in Europe they never had any food anyway they're always the most popping people in the world and they came here with nothing that's why food became symbolic of security to a Jew that's why your Jewish mother kept telling you eat never finish eating - Julia you couldn't stop eating that is day for juice is a sandwich why do you think every portion of food comes out ten times the size and a Jewish coffee shop that it was originally ten times the size go into any Gentile coffee shop another piece of cake if you see the size of it both of Wyoming Montana Nebraska or a piece of cake and a Gentile then what it comes out like this they do it would be a cookie and you gave a piece of cake like this to you would be in court for the rest of your life you ever see the difference are you buy a piece a cake and a real Jewish coffee shop go a toccata gate a place like that and order a piece of cake it comes off like this Gentiles ever saw that they don't know what the hell they think it's a but the doula that the cake is always mad what happened to the portions they used to be Nick Washington he's screaming at the Gentiles our singing [Applause] you know what's gonna happen with this show is over the Gentiles I'm gonna say he was funny you know what the Jews are gonna say to Jewish Jewish surgery Jews all have a persecution complex they'd like to tell you how proud they ought to be Jewish just like Blackstone yeah probably ought to be black I drew is proud to be Jewish unless your sounds like a Jew then he gets nauseous you how does he have to sound so Jewish yeah yeah you all say that why is it that no Gentile ever said to me I'm too Jewish maybe you can't stand me but there must be a different reason like the fact that I'm too Jewish doesn't bother but every single day after every showed is at least one lady that comes over to me and says don't you talk like me there's a persecution complex elevate you they're all ashamed of Jewishness why is that how come I never heard it to say I can't send some buddies to Italian you ever hear a Jew say that I can't stand him he's to French actually to Spanish don't you would ever think that that's a disgusting thing that no two would ever think Jews are the first ones to fight for the civil Crusades and writes a very minority in the world and they love every minority and the priests want to fight unless he sounds like a Jew that they get so nauseous they get so nauseous a Miami Beach everybody George what's their names Goldberg it's good but every condominium is called Allah Allah every building is the lot there's a lot there's a lot they can't pronounce it they don't know where they live they were walking you see the lot four o'clock in the morning the condominiums are empty and the Jews are wondering where's the love the Jews are embarrassed by anything Jewish if they buy a fancy dress the Jewish woman always make sure it's a French designer or an Italian design if sent clocks and simple let me have a Jewish woman say I'm wearing my horror I never heard that why are you ashamed to be Jewish mister you're getting on my nerves I'm told me right now by the way I hope you'll all be careful while driving here after the show this is no subject for comedy please be careful while driving especially if you're Jewish I don't tell the Gentiles how to drive they know how to drive that's right they could drive two cars fix cars means nothing throw down means absolutely nothing to a jumped off the driver car but in every Jewish car you hear the same thing where what happened they put an ocean in there when did they put it what do you watch it just ah stop it against they should dismiss structures no matter how complicated is they remember you tell the make a left and a right kind are you painting or penciled on a time uh-huh and he goes you'll tell the same take the Jewish couple watch what happens soon as the guy walks away a fight breaks out and you always hear the same fight you thought I was listening I thought yeah why would I be listening you talking to you're talking to me let me start calling each other honey as they're abusing each other - shut up you tell me the shutup Swede not you son of a stop I don't need this our girl for the boss would I'll Drive you oh go back to the same thank you taking over before I go I want to pay tribute to Ed Sullivan that was the music that was the music of the original Ed Sullivan Show and it's true he gave me a few problems later but he gave me my first break my first break in life on t'other while all the Jewish producer said I was too Jewish for the Gentiles i gen console me by the name of Ed Sullivan and he loved me he watched me perform at my first audition and he got so excited he was shocked so shocked at the rest of his life he walked around like this [Applause] anyway good evening ladies on and then you're done getting right about here for the very first time on a nice need great about ears every day we define occur he just be turned lead on from [Applause] he just returned me he just returned from Saudi Arabia he brought back a rule for by a little something from the Arabian that he would like and he would like to pass on to you they already passed it up to me well ladies just when I want to thank you very much for being here I hope you don't mind my making fun that way that's all the truth of the matter is that he did give me my first and only break there when it really counted at that time I'm telling you I did have a problem when he called me a dirty person because I'm not a dirty person that's not the nature of my character or my behavior so we're to prove I'm not a dirty person I had assumed at that time for three million dollars wasn't a personal vendetta I had to protect my reputation so I sued him at that time for 3 million originally I was room 412 I took a 9 million dollar but I would I want to take if I may just a minute of your time to tell you how grateful I am featuring and I'd be one of you for being here because it's a touching experience to me a stunning experience of might frankly never expected this stage of my life that suddenly become this big a hit that wasn't that much of a hit before I opened on Broadway I don't know if you heard about matter of fact the truth is that my career's thunk before I opened it I was producing plays and pictures that were going nowhere and my career was getting wasted some ways I don't want to tell you how bad it was getting it was getting white some wish how bad it was getting I shouldn't even talk about maybe you got your own struggles either way but the truth of the matter is that I decided as a move to out of more of desperation than anything else to do a one-man show in Beverly Hills and I was shocked when it became a hit nobody expected it to become a hit then six months later it was still obedient so everybody said maybe we should try it in New York on Broadway frankly I was very nervous and frightening to me it's a frightening thought to open on Broadway everybody is nervous to open I'm brother for me it was more nervous than most people because frankly I didn't think that I would be accepted on Broadway because of the boss like your attitude that people have about my voice about my diction about Brooklyn is an elitist attitude of Broadway that finds it difficult to accept such a Jewish accent so I said to myself what have I got to lose I'll take a chance I'm not doing nothing anyway when I open that brother I was shocked because the New York Times critic not only liked me but it loved me made it a phenomenal review out of this show because it the best the greatest the finest thing he ever saw it cost a few dollars but it was working I'm kidding didn't cost if you doubt just cost a lot the truth of matter I was shocked by that review just like I've been shocked by my whole career I knew like I do from a family of rabbis you know I have three brothers who are rabbis as I said on television a couple of days ago and my father was a rabbi all of his life and all of his life he always dreamed that all his children would be rabbis that's all he lived here so naturally when it was time for me to become a rabbi I didn't have the heart that told my father that I'm not going to because I told he lived for him I didn't want to hurt him it probably would have destroyed him if he suddenly found that one son was not a rabbi Sol to force myself to become a rabbi wasn't easy because I didn't have the kind of conviction that a rabbi should have so I started to perform as a rabbi and I was very uncomfortable at it so I started to tell some jokes in my sermons here and there and as the jokes got better and better I started to charge a cover [Applause] and the amazing figures that has the Gentiles in the area heard about the more emergent asking to see so many Gentiles came that before you know what there was no room for the Jews the Jews the Jews could get in the building they couldn't get it I became the only rabbi of a Gentile congregation but that's all in the past what's happening now is a kind of an unbelievable story to anybody in the world because I know as well as anybody that the vector of show business is right here in this neighborhood within six blocks of this building is the finest the best that the legitimate theater has to offer anywhere in this universe it's all right here the best and the finest so for you to pick me out as a shelter she is frankly not only a surprise but something that I'm very very deeply grateful about because who the hell could have expected I want to thank each one of you because each one of you has made it possible for me to become some new kind of a star and without you here never would have happened because in an empty building you can't tell a person is idiot I would really like to thank each one of them personally and individually unfortunately I'm not such a big star I got no time to talk but I hope it doesn't sound corny to you and I hope you don't take it with Eddie's cynicism I hope you take it the way I mean it from the bottom of my heart I mean it is sincerely as I ever meant anything in my life I thank you each and every one of you very much for making this whole new life possible for me [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: wirelessoem

Views: 35,790

Keywords:

Id: I8TLUaEGqc4

Length: 71min 36sec (4296 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 19 2020