Jackie Mason Holds Nothing Back | Carson Tonight Show

jackie mason is here tonight he has had a remarkable year i think it was a little over a year ago that he was here on the show he opened his show here in beverly hills went to broadway one-man show on broadway won a tony award this album has been nominated for a grammy he's starring in a new movie called caddyshack 2 which is in production now and he reopens on broadway may 3rd he's a very funny man would you welcome mr jackie mason [Music] [Applause] [Music] congratulations thank you god bless you good to see you again it's a fantastic thing to be such a hit i'll take it i'm surprised you even have time to come here tonight i'll tell you the truth i didn't want to come here yeah i'm not impressed with the whole idea i don't know what i'm doing would you have thought over a year ago when you when you were opening here at the uh was it the canon theater the beverly cannon theater and i remember you were apprehensive about it because you you'd been sitting around for a few years and hadn't worked that much and you came out here and it was a big hit here then you go to new york and a bigger hit in new york it's the biggest sensation the whole history of new york i don't think in the history of the world there's been ever such a hit show this is the standing room only every single night and sometimes it's even when the show is on it's a phenomenal unbelievable experience there was no way that i could have ever dreamed this up in my wildest dreams when you dream about becoming a star you always think maybe you'll be you don't know what you'll be you'll be working at least you'll be performing somewhere you'll be a hit somehow but who dreams of being a one-man show hit on broadway in such dimensions that it's impossible to get in there i'm a bigger hit than every show they want to close every other show on broadway because nobody's going anyplace else to hope everybody's getting out of business you're the only guy i'm not competing with because i want to help you out i don't want to talk about an accent on your show because i know it's karaoke because there's no room for gentiles in this country anymore you know now you closed the show down to come out here and make a movie right right well i said to myself why not let's be honest about the movie business is still the most important business in the world no matter how important any any players on broadway there's a kind of a limited audience that any broadway show has as great as i am not everybody knows about it but when you got into a movie your movie is the biggest number in america let's be honest about it nothing bigger than a hit picture so you could play on broadway for five years every night make one picture and probably play to uh 20 or 30 million people all over the world that's right yeah that's right you could come here and nobody cares at all that's right you've been enough you've been involved you've made yourself it's a fantastic thing to be on every night at 11 30. you don't care people are watching or not because by that hour people are busy and if they're not busy they're not having such a great life anyway if a person has got nothing to do with watch your show 12 o'clock he's not doing so hard what's this about but taking a picture making a picture you look forward to it because after all it's the biggest kind of stardom to be in a movie and you say to yourself for stars it's the best especially the lead role in such an important picture you know rodney dangerfield had this part he gave it up because of some fight he had with the producers thank god he had that fight because every time he has a fight i get another job are you a good actor if he had to i'm one of the greatest doctors probably i don't like a show-off but i have to be honest i think honesty is more important than modesty yeah and the fact is i'm probably one of the greatest actors that ever lived and i say it to you because you're not going to hear it from anybody else somebody said you're taking dancing lessons i'm taking dancing lessons with diane cannon you're a kid yes you know diane kelly she's married to carrie grant look what happened to her career i went from gary grant to this she'll probably win an academy award because she's supposed to act like she's in love with me i don't know who's going to believe this anyway i always dreamed of being an acting star in a major picture but once you get that job you get so nauseous from doing it you're sorry you get involved in it and like the performer always performs at eight o'clock at night you work for two hours and you forget about it you get a five o'clock in the morning five o'clock in the morning to get down to set they make you up for an hour and a half i'm not easy to make up it takes a little while then at that top of that you have to wardrobe and this and that then you start taking the picture and it's the same picture over and over again because no matter how good it is it's never right take one then you did it perfect it's perfect except we'll take another one okay we'll take two now we'll take three just for safety and i will take four in case the first three didn't come out then we'll take five and you'd stand there a whole day going oh yeah when am and you're not used to working that way you're nobody if i want to get even with somebody i'd put them in a picture when you're a bad kid how does your mother get even with you in the classroom how does a teacher by putting you in a corner i'm making you say the same thing 300 times right that's for being a miserable kid now if you're a star you get the same dream but you never got married did you no but you marry everybody who sees them [Applause] yeah if it's a slow week i get married yeah have you ever regretted that amazing thing every time you beat a person you marry them you don't care who they are they show up you take a chance your marriage is our expensive proposition a week and a half three million somebody last two months another seven billion three girls cost you about 12 million dollars no no no i don't know if you heard about it but girls are not that expensive is there any reason particularly you never got married you just i never got married because i don't see any reason to make somebody else a partner with my money i had a very rough career i suffered that struggled all my life it took me 20 years to become a hit and then i wasn't such a hit it took me another two another three another five then i came here i wasn't such a sensation would you eat it so i had to come back then you found out what i do for a living now you got me back again now it took me 25 years to do this now that i have four making a comfortable living for the first time i'm going to go make somebody else a partner it doesn't make no sense is it the only business in the world where somebody has contributed absolutely nothing to your life for your money says how do you do i'm your partner and if god forbid you spend the week with her and it doesn't work out you owe her money how do you owe her buddy she contributed nothing to your buddy she had a better life with you than she ever had for herself didn't she this young they usually was living in brooklyn someplace in a basement she couldn't afford yes electricity she beats a guy like johnny carson gives her everything in the world for nothing and at the end of it you owe her money i got a point here if she had any visas she should give you a few dollars because you'd post you were fortunate the whole time you were married it cost 1000 and they want equality give you some money back that would be equality your philosophy we'll be right back stay where you are you even haven't spent a lot of time in hollywood before do you find it uh fun to work out here i love it out here it's fantastic it's a dead place you don't see anything you don't need anybody it's a great place to hang around if you passed away it's fantastic there's nothing going on here but even the people who are busy have nothing to do are you in the middle of a 12 million dollar deal you want to talk about it here you'll come to the pool you'll sit down we'll lay down for an hour we'll think it over in new york even people who are not waking up busy listen say hello i got no time where you going huh hurry up i'm going i went already i'm coming back i'm going forward don't mix me up i'm late for what i don't remember they talk about the energy of new york all the time but the truth of the matter is that there's absolutely nothing to do here and it's the most status symbol conscious town in the world everybody wants to imagine they're a millionaire if you go to beverly hills here you can meet one person who's not a tycoon a millionaire everybody feels like he he has to impress you with how much money he got you don't even see a person in the street you don't see one person in beverly hills it looks like everybody passed away 100 years ago and left the houses you don't see all you see as a japanese guard and he's walking around he don't know why he don't know where [Music] the only see people only see people here at restaurants [ __ ] deals in the millions and the billions there's no deal here less than 90 million 50 billion and these are people without a job without a job every deal is 300 million 40 zillion then a check comes for down the quarter and 10 people run by senator you know it's fascinating to be here this is this is really funny maybe not you but a normal person i'm taking chances i'm waiting for nothing listen to this for these prices i take a chance listen to this this is a fantastic job he's got all he has to do is sit and listen and i have to knock myself out i'm wicked for nothing he makes a fortune he listens and i'm sweating [Applause] [Music] and they say the jews are smart they don't know about gentiles like you i just told a better joke tonight i was talking about the status that we'll say this is fascinating to me because i notice when you walk around in beverly hills isn't it this everybody you see has a mercedes did you ever notice this everybody has it's like the stat assembly you must have a mercedes the guy has a cadillac he's ashamed of it he's embarrassed in every other town in this country if you have a cadillac you look like a hit people admire you grab a cadillac oh yeah he looks like this i got it right here for guys like he's so nauseous and embarrassed this is not my regular car i don't know who left it here i don't know who left it i don't know how it got here i told my sister-in-law get your car out of here how do you know what the basic thing is listen to this are you busy [Applause] the amazing thing is the basic thing is that everybody who has a mercedes is ashamed to admit that he buys it as a status it's strictly a status symbol there's nothing about a mercedes that's worth fifty thousand dollars you have to be nuts to think that any car if there's no utilitarian factor in a car that makes it worth fifty thousand dollars that they're they'll never admit it they'll never admit that they buy it as a status did you ever meet one person that bought a mercedes that admitted to you it's a status never never never you got that write that down otherwise you killed my whole joke that i'm good they'll never admit it's the status symbol they'll always tell you the same thing oh i buy it for a different reason i buy it for the engineering the engineering oh you never saw such engineering oh it's dis-engineering this guy can't turn on a radio but he's an expert on engineer you never saw such engineering especially how it turns boyd does this trying to all have that same speech how mercedes is on the trains nothing finds like a mistake the way it holds the road to either train holds up the nut in the holes like this he's got three miles an hour beverly hills that he's worried about the coins if you ever see do you ever see a four turned over at three miles an hour who they kid this whole town is the status of well that's all it is but the truth of the matter is that i get a kick out of being here because i get a kick out of meeting the producers and watching them talking about the pictures and making all the deals every deal talks about only one thing where to put the sex scene in every movie you'll notice when you go to the movies today i don't know if you notice you don't seem to be that intelligent [Applause] isn't it fascinating to you that every picture you see today has a sex seed in it it's relevant absolutely back to the picture but there's a sex scene today in every picture why is that so far you don't know one thing you know what they tell you why it has to have a sex scene in every picture because everybody does it and you have to show what everybody does and i keep saying to them everybody also has soup come i never see a plate of stupid anymore the truth is that more people have soup than sex you look to me like you had enough sex but i'm sure you're ready i never heard anybody say i'm so tired to get the soup did your wife ever say i got such a headache soup is did you ever hear out i'm getting better but you don't seem to get too concerned i'm having a great time with this show things could not have gone better for you in the past year and the album is a big hit i'm stunned and amazed that then above everything i hope people realize how grateful i am for what's happening to me because when you never appreciate the great things until unless you struggled a lot and really paid the price for it yeah see you don't appreciate your sensation when you were two as soon as he came out on television with an immediate sensation and thank god you've always been a sensation since then i know a lot of people jews and gentiles who tried to knock you off fight with you take advantage thank god nothing bars not bothers you because you don't care you know you got the job knocked themselves out but but i didn't i never had an easy life i had a very rough murderous time in this place and thank god that i'm such a hit i uh desperately appreciate it to me it's the most fantastic thing in the world and i deserve every minute hey i know you've got to run i thank you for coming you're gonna be hunted about five more weeks for the motion picture right live and then you go back on broadway with the show and i go back on broadway to show me toy because it's sold out every show i can't fight people they're not showing up it's the biggest hit in the probably in the history of the world and i sincerely hope that you've got time to see me again i'll come i don't know if i'm going to work again for these prices but but if you ask me i'll probably show up because i'm not busy eating it so god bless you god bless you thank you chad thank you [Applause] [Applause] i was hoping i was hoping he was going to go into that insolvent impression the first time he did that it was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life we'll be right back stay where you are you

Channel: Johnny Carson

Views: 531,261

Keywords: episode, best, funny, youtube, funny videos, comedy, laugh, funniest, stand up, comedian, hilarious, stand up comedy, johnny carson, tonight show, humor, sketch, johnny carson bloopers, johnny carson show, johnny carson animals, johnny carson monologue, johnny, carson, tonight, show, funny video, best of johnny carson, funniest moments johnny carson

Id: PMM3AiVWsSQ

Length: 15min 43sec (943 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 28 2021