4 Questions That Can Tell You If Your Partner Is a Perfect Match with Matthew Hussey and Lewis Howes

what do you think are the i didn't prep you on this before but what do you think of the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive long term committed for decades what are like it needs to have these three or these five things otherwise it's going to be really challenging to be to sustain this type of love and joy and happiness i mean a couple of simple ones i guess are i need to i need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to not just ways that are comfortable to me we in other words pay attention to what your partner actually needs because it's really easy to say you know i'm going to bring them lunch every day that's that's like i i'm a really good cook and i'm really you know i want to slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day because you know that's me giving maybe they don't they don't care bring lunch every day like maybe they don't care maybe what would mean the most to them is you them getting home and you really being interested in their day do you think uh love languages is an important part of this where it's like understanding someone's love language and giving them their top priorities i think i think it's i think that it's an interesting framework and it's been for a lot of people a very successful framework um i think any framework that just allows you to kind of you know create a little a structure for things that gives you some simplicity around it is can be valuable sure you know it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply but it's a valuable model to work from so it's showing up in ways like showing up in ways yeah not what do i want to give but what do they actually need and i think that's a lot of money that's a lot of conflict in relationships because and i think you need to understand do i want to do something that's uncomfortable every day that's not foreign to me or that's foreign to me or do i want to find a partner that enjoys the things that i like to give well that's that's that's an interesting question uh you know any relationship is going to be a bit of both but sometimes it works even without like that's a kind of compatibility issue but i think it even works outside of that in day-to-day stuff because you might say the thing i want to give to my partner is an awesome you know night together but maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends no and the maybe the most loving thing you can do is say hey i know you haven't seen this person in a while you should go and see them i know that relationship is important to you you should go and hang out with your mum tonight or you know recognizing not what's easy for me to give but what might be less comfortable for me to give but is actually what would mean the world to them yeah and and i think if you really want to make yourself irreplaceable to someone it's recognizing that because no one else is going to do that for them i mean you know what i mean like it's they maybe but it's really rare to find someone who who's willing to do that for you okay so that's number one thing is to work on yourself yep and to say i'm responsible for me my partner isn't responsible for me i need to do the work to be the most loving confident person i can be in this world one of us fulfilled has their own purpose has things that drive them that to me is very very important if what's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves because you you throw a few things out there but what's like i mean firstly do you have maybe here's an interesting question you can ask yourself if i had 10 hours free right now what would i do with them interesting if you can't give a good answer to that question you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship and binge watching a series is not the best use of your time it's you know that if if the answer is oh my god well i have my purpose the thing i love getting stuck into or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose not everyone has found like their life's calling but it could be i really want to learn this language or i really want to see this friend i really want to go and you know whatever it is read this book or learn this thing take care of my health yeah i want to i can't wait to get to the gym like if you should be able to answer the question of my partner cancelled on me today what would i do with that day now and if you can't that then you you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting for their partner to text them waiting for their partner to make them feel good enough that's not attractive it's not and it's not fair to our partners it's a lot of pressure it's a lot of pressure and and by the way people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a band-aid on all sorts of things for them you know if they're feeling like there's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now now i think vulnerability is huge i think the work that people like brene brown are doing and so on is huge it's massively important vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage and we should encourage it more both sexes all the time but his vulnerability is something's making me insecure and i'm i'm going to share it with you because you're my partner and i love you and i tell you things right but you don't want it beyond vulnerability if an hour from now i tell you oh god i'm feeling insecure again and then an hour from now that thing's affecting me again and this tonight because now in a way what we're doing is instead of sharing we're dumping i'm asking you now to fix it for me to put a band-aid on it for me you feel better yeah of course it's part of our part a loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and to make you feel safe and to make you feel secure and it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling is insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job in those things it's true they're not building they're not building they're doing things that are proactively making us feel insecure there's minor betrayals minor neglects uh all of that but sometimes we have to say okay what part of my what part of this am i responsible for and it's my it's my partner's responsibility is our responsibility in life together to share to share the load to work towards things together but it's not your job to carry the load for me to carry my problems to put the band-aid on every day i need to maybe once in a blue moon yeah of course of course we're all going to do that we're going to have like we're going to have days weeks times where we're going through something really serious and our partner's job is to show up yeah you know but a friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me some days or weeks you get to be needy and difficult and high maintenance and boring and you know insecure and then you don't and i thought yeah like we get to be those things for a time until we don't until it gets too much for somebody else because we need to be at the very least we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth yeah so the you know the first one what do we have uh show up in ways they need not just ways you want to show up the second one's uh work on yourself um i think i guess the third one it to me teamwork is everything like being a genuine team is huge really looking at each other as teammates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs or i'm competing with you in some way man i've done that before like we're an actual team i i saw you know one of the things i loved most about chris rock's recent stand up tambourine i'm assuming it's such a genius name the whole concept is you know about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine he couldn't play the backup instrument right right and and i thought it was such a great great uh metaphor because in a in a good relationship in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship that some days you play tambourine some days you're their teammate you you can't he you know the way he says it her success is your success and vice versa you're in this together you and and some days that person's the the lead and you're you're on tambourine and a lot of people have never learned how to play tambourine there's the other thing i don't remember where it comes from but every relationship has a flower and a gardener right well i don't most people don't want to be in a relationship where they're always the gardener and they want to be never the flower right blooming all the time yes and sometimes you have to be the gardener no matter how long you've played the flower right right you and i have played flowers a lot in our lives right we've been used to being a certain you know having a leader role and having these kind of big lives and big worlds and whatever and then you go to a relationship and the relationship doesn't give a [ __ ] you know what i mean about you no yeah i don't care the lea you know that you're the flower out there in the world sometimes in our relationship you have to be the gardener sometimes you've got to play tambourine even if to everyone else you are the the constant flower yeah right the movie reference constant gardener well you can't you can't be the constant flower right you can't you might be in your business in some way but relationship is different you can't now you're coming as two equals and so it's so much of it's checking your own damn ego and being like i'm in this to be with you as a teammate not this or this this when you know you've found your match for life or your potential match for life but you think this could be the match by the way these are much harder questions than the first interview you know is it when you see these three things after a period of time and you feel convinced that the the the bricks are being laid equally in a certain way yeah what are you saying i'm ready to be committed all in i i think there are four four stages to a relationship okay stage one stage one is admiration that's when you don't have a relationship with this person you admire like i like you and i look at you and i'm like this person is hot they have something about them i like their qualities i like their energy they have a good potential yeah okay and by the way that doesn't even mean they have good potential for you right now it just means this is a person of high potential in some way you admire them yeah the second stage is connection and you could i think in that in a sense connection and chemistry are both relevant to this stage because you have this person where there's a mutual like i like things about you you like things about me i think you're attractive you think i'm attractive we share some common ideas common grounds in life our outlook whatever beliefs yeah yeah that could be found on a great date right doesn't really mean much still this is the plot of land yeah you can have great sex there'd be chemistry you can make out all night none of this means you're gonna have a great relationship okay the third stage is commitment that says i want to do this with you i am committed to building with you and you are committed to building with me hmm right that's a really great stage to be at it's very important right it's you can't have a relationship without that any relationship without that or whether that's one-sided is unrequited love by definition and there are a ton of people out there right now who say i'm just you know i created a program recently called attraction to commitment which literally dealt with why people keep getting stuck in limbo yeah why they keep getting stuck in the casual phases and it never gets to a relationship one of the things that fascinates me is how long we stay with something that's just casual that isn't a real relationship on the hope that it will change um unrequited love you know certainly unrequited commitment yeah it's a nice time when you're like 23 right right that's stage three stage four is compatibility man and the hard thing i think for a lot of people is i used to question this one myself like if you know the idea love conquers all right it doesn't it does not i wish i like it i like that phrase it's an amazing i love the phrase i love the sentiment of it amazing bumper sticker you know and there's nothing you know what is more powerful in the world than than love and all you need is love yeah apparently apparently not it's not we need a little more it you can have love without commitment right and you can have you can have commitment without compatibility and this is where things get i used to think well maybe commitment is enough and maybe issues with compatibility can be overcome as long as two people are truly committed to each other i don't i don't believe that anymore i i think that it goes beyond commitment to truly lost you have to have two people who are really comparable like okay let's say we got commitment two people want to be together they admire each other they have chemistry right they say i'm committed to you but one person's sex drive is here and the other ones is here not compatible this is going to be difficult right one person likes to spend a lot of money another person wants to save all the money right one person believes in a certain religion another person doesn't believe in that one person you know wants to spend five days a week together the other person is happy with one night a week together one person wants their family to move in the other person wants their space right these are serious serious issues that often end relationships and so to me you want to say what how do you know when you found your match all four four stages i admire this person we have connection and chemistry we have genuine mutual commitment and we're compatible and if you want to learn more about mastering relationships then make sure to check out this video right here exactly how you are i love you like no changes nothing i i love you exactly how you are sometimes we feel like we're owed that and it kind of becomes an excuse again not lazy to grow

Channel: Greatness Clips - Lewis Howes

Views: 642,167

Keywords: lewishowes, the school of greatness, podcast, interview, 2019, business, self help, motivation, Matthew Hussey, relationships, love, dating coach, energy, matthew hussey, matt hussey, love advice, dating advice for women, tips for women, lewis howes, relationship coach, dating advice, how to attract men, make him like you, make him love you, attract men, what men want, how to get the guy, relationship interview, lewis howes interview, matthew hussey interview, how to talk to men

Id: kxOi3sNg37g

Length: 15min 37sec (937 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 07 2020