Bad Dating Advice You're Probably Still Using Today with Matthew Hussey and Lewis Howes

i was actually listening to a video last night for like an hour of you like it was like the three dating advice tips or something of you speaking in a seminar answering questions right and i remember just hearing your answers all these women say well what if um you know with a guy and the flames out or what if i'm excited and he was excited and then he starts not responding and you were answering questions and i was like they're all so logical yeah and sound it's not like this sleazy weird things it's like well think about it if you were in this position how would you respond and this and this and this and it was like man you're giving great advice and now i know why so many people are attracted to the information you're putting out there thank you so much i really appreciate that i i think that too much advice either strays into the uh either the aphoristic side of things it's very very cliche i mean this is what i think one of the big problems i have with the self-help industry in general is it um it it has it's become so platitudinous it's just to the extent that it becomes mind-numbing and and to some extent i the crowd that it begins to attract i don't like or have anything in common with right uh you know when someone comes up to me at the end of a seminar and says you know i love your stuff you know it's it's um you know i'm a big law of attraction fan i know immediately we have nothing in common right um i i think wow i don't i don't even know how you like my stuff right um because i i i can't stand these concepts and and this pseudo science that is often put out there for me i'm all about the logical i'm all about the the practical and i like things that can be tested i like and i think that's why people like tim ferriss perhaps have done so well because they in in a market that is full of just vague silly advice yes um you know i hear people in their life you know say to women in their love lives just open your heart and you think what do you mean by that like what does she do today that's different based on that piece of advice just like be yourself um you know be yourself is is extraordinarily lazy advice right it's the advice people give when they don't know an actual solution because what do you you say just be yourself what does that even mean you know and by the way be yourself is it often just a euphemism for don't grow how many people were the same person today they were five years ago no one and who's going to be the same today tomorrow as they are today people change and they evolve so be yourself is a very strange uh and lazy piece of advice to give someone but that's what we get all the time so advice either goes into the to the kind of vague or it ends up going into um sometimes the sleazier or more sarcastic elements you know i sometimes think at the other end of the spectrum sometimes you have the comedian you know the guy who is just everything's a joke everything's sarcastic this very cynical oh you can't change anything blah blah blah learn to deal with it and and that gets too much the other way then then someone essentially just becomes a cynic and for me what i try and base my advice on is this nice balance of realism and and um i wouldn't even say optimism just the the being empowered to actually do something about real life however that stands so what i'm curious about is how uh why is it you have the credibility to give so many women advice uh you're only 27 right and why should they listen to you when you know you're a man yeah should they even trust you uh you know you're not married right no no and you're currently single i believe right single so why should they believe what you're saying has well validity um firstly that you're right in the sense that being a man gives me no extra credibility whatsoever i i always cringe when a journalist says to me well you this is so great because you're a guy so you can give them insight into guys i think what a stupid argument that is it's like saying you're a woman so you know all women right how many women are exactly the same yeah yeah you know how many women do you get in a room and they agree on everything the the the same is true of men i'm not i don't i'm not here to speak on behalf of all men sure um i might be here to relay a message that i constantly get from men or something that i observe with an enormous number of men i mean i i say to women i only started working with women a because they asked me to i didn't when when i was a coaching guy i coached nearly 10 000 guys and women were saying when are you going to do the same thing for us and i i said i don't know because i don't really know you uh i know men uh because i've cut not because i'm a guy but because i've just coached ten thousand of them over the last three years i said so i have something to say about men i said but i don't know you and they said don't worry we don't want to know more about us we know we want to know about men yeah so well that i can do and i started i sat down and i i started talking about some things that were that felt obvious to me based on what i'd learnt from men but weren't obvious to them you know a very simple thing would be that there was so many women out there that were saying well i i want a guy who has the balls to make a move on me right and and if he's interested he's already coming over to me and there were cert there were massive dating books out there for women that would say this like if he's not coming over to you don't bother going up to him because if he wanted to be there he would be this defied everything that i'd ever seen not just from every man i'd ever coached but from growing up around men and what and and even for myself this is an area where my personal experience does relate to that lesson i was terrified i was terrified the the idea of walking up to a woman and saying i like you or i think you're cute i got brought up by my mum to be a gentleman right that that was i was brought up to you know buy flowers buy the meal don't don't ever let her pay don't ever let her carry her bag open her door so at school as a teenager i got mauled by women for being that way you know i got i got walked all over yeah they liked me they thought i was a nice guy but i was the one holding their bag while they got with that guy right so it it didn't it didn't translate and i knew as a guy as a teenager something wasn't clicking and something about what i'd been taught about attraction by my mum who taught me treat every woman like a princess yeah something about that advice wasn't translating and wasn't working now i then when i started hearing from these books written for women if he's like if he likes you he's already talking to you i i looked at that and i thought god you know what i'm not i'm not a loser i'm not someone who's got everything going wrong in their life and is like you know oh that's why he hasn't got the confidence no i was like a guy who had some great things going for him and yet still i would look over there and go no way yeah i'm not scary man terrifying so so you know i i started to say to women listen firstly guys even even the guys you want are nervous about coming over to you uh so you might have to do a little more yeah to make this a possibility because feel good about themselves comfortable to come on correct and women will say well no that's not true matt because you know there are there are these guys who always hit on me when i go out yeah but it's the same five percent every time yes right there's there's five to ten percent of guys who will hit on everybody who walks in the room yeah right but that's not representative and they're not getting the girls right very often they're not they're not um there's a there's a percentage of those who are like players who are good at it yeah who know how to do it but the game actually most guys aren't in that mode most guys aren't good at doing that and and actually don't wish to do that because they don't want to be sleazy and they don't want to seem like that guy so i started saying women you might have to do a little bit more and don't assume because in a seminar any woman who comes to my seminar will see this i'll say put your hand up if at some point or another you've said or thought well if he doesn't have the balls to come and approach me i don't think he's my type of guy anyway and like 90 of the hands go up so i say here's the thing as a guy you when you live in a city you probably see 30 women a day that you're attracted to yes right you can't go up to every one of them you can't go up to every one of them nor would you wish to nor is it convenient to and sometimes you just see a woman standing with her friend and you're like oh do i really want to go and approach her in front of her friend and have the possibility that she's got a boyfriend and i'm gonna have to get rejected you don't want to go do it again it's horrible so so i would like i would say to them if out of those 30 women that a guy sees in a day he's going to approach the one that makes it slightly easier for him to approach her than the other 29. one that says it's okay for you to talk to me correct however she chooses to do that and that doesn't mean you making some big grand move it just means i i call it you know i call it dropping the handkerchief when when you you know women who say i'm old-fashioned i don't make the first move i always say then you're not old-fashioned because 100 years ago a woman would walk past a guy drop her handkerchief and keep walking the guy would see it he'd say this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man yeah he'd pick up the handkerchief get over to her and say madam you dropped this and she'd say did i and they'd now have a conversation now he thought it was his idea yes and she was clumsy she chose him so i say to women listen this isn't about reversing roles here and you suddenly doing the guy's job it's about you doing what women have always done and dropping the handkerchief you just need to know how to do it in 2015. wow um so so that's so what are some ways to do it what are two two or three ways that a woman could do this to create an opportunity for a conversation to happen right so one one of them is really really simple um there was a there was actually a book written um by a guy called i think richard wiseman it was called 59 seconds but one of the studies in the book um that wasn't done by him it was done by i think jekyll and landy was about um the psychology of favors and what they found uh years ago when they did this study they were looking for the obvious right if i do you a favor you'll like me more yes uh what they actually found was if i do you a favor i'll like you more because we like people that were able to help in some small way the only caveat was that the favor couldn't be something that was difficult to perform if you ask me something that's difficult i could get annoyed right and frustrated if you ask me something that's easy for me to do and i get to help you in some way i actually end up liking you more so the the psychology when uh when done in the direction of woman man to woman is much more powerful because men have these two instincts provide and protect so now when a woman comes up and asks for a favor he immediately gets to gets to cater to those two male instincts that make him feel important so uh the the advice goes like this if you walk up to a guy and you say uh use this one first line and it will work time and time again you say um i could really use your help with something that one line is gonna have nine out of ten guys immediately receptive to whatever you say they wanna provide and protect yeah anything tell me how i can feel important right now um so i could really use your help with something now it could be answering a question it could be right directions but let's say you're in a bar and you say could you hold my jacket for two seconds while i give these drinks to my friends i'm running out of hands here you then take your drinks you give them to your friends you come back you take your jacket and you say thank you so much you're a gentleman how's your evening going anyway now the beauty of this is rather than having to go up to him randomly and saying how's your evening going which makes it feel like you've really chosen him in this example he's doing you the favor you're just politely asking how his evening is going after he's already done the favor for you so that's an easy way for women to drop the handkerchief uh in any environment and never have they never have to risk rejection with that because there's nothing for him to reject it's just a simple favor wow okay so that's number one so that's maybe one more number one um let's think of uh let's think of a good one here um uh this this kind of goes alongside it i mean a um you could ask a guy's opinion for example you could say you know no in fact here's a good one um when you're with your friends and you see a group of guys simply walk up to them and say we're trying to guess what people's jobs are by what they're wearing that's cool and then uh start guessing everyone loves this game because you have fun guests you could and again you can you can start in a funny way and say you're a spy but whatever it is play with it a little bit but then the nice thing is they they immediately know how to carry on that conversation because they're going to do it back now for guys who are experiencing this and they see a woman who creates an opportunity to talk to them and now it's their responsibility to kind of continue the conversation right and to show that okay now i am interested so this is a really important part this is really important because there is a mistake people make here and i realized this early on because i i was giving women this way to go and be proactive with guys in a way that they hadn't been before but they were making the mistake of staying in there too long oh right so don't stick around no no there's a think of it this way in order to give someone the opportunity to hit on you in the first place you need to close the gap so when a woman goes in and says i mean there's another one i'll give you if you're you know this one's always pay attention to what's going on around you and if nothing else say the obvious so you could be in a bar you know lining up for a drink can you say to the guy next to you oh my god it's so busy in here all right that's it by the way you're not saying it's so busy in here you're saying it's okay for you to talk to me that's really what you're saying um so in that moment again if you wanted to make it more flirtatious you'd say oh my god it's so busy in here it's you with your big shoulders move and then you'd push him and then you immediately you're going to have some great tension he's going to feel mad but the the key thing is don't then stay in there i was in la recently and there were i was with two buddies and three women came over and started talking to us now i can't fault that because that's why i help people to do that i think it's important i think they did the right thing but what they what they could have changed is when they came over to speak to us they stood facing us with their feet pointed towards us in a circle and then there was no sign of them leaving ever they were just committed someone's body language says i'm not going anywhere yeah and it immediately makes you nervous because you sort of think oh you're like how am i going to get out of this system i'm interested in them right you don't want to be in and a woman knows this feeling much better than a man because when a woman is approached by a guy she can't even concentrate on whether she's attracted to him if he's too much in her space to begin with he needs to give her space to observe him and decide she's attracted to him before he keeps just going and going and going so these women would have been better off to maybe a minute in just turn and talk to each other again they don't have to go to the other side of the room and make things difficult but just turn and talk to each other or god forbid there's another person there that they turn to and ask something off right what they've done is close the gap but then recreated space so the second step of recreating space is very very important because when they recreate space it gives us a chance to observe them a chance to miss them and a chance to think oh how do we get them back over here so now when we go over there and say by the way i was thinking about what you said just now and keep talking for them it's like ah okay that's like now they've made a move now now they've chosen to be in the situation instead of us just choosing to be there and never knowing if they were really attracted that's what needs to happen for women is they need to feel chosen as well correct right correct so it's kind of like you you're choosing him to begin with so that you're not just randomly choosing from the pool of guys that are brave enough or obnoxious enough to run up to you um but at the same time you're not you're giving it space so that he can choose you and you can be confident in that process and then from there there's a whole another workshop you do on teaching how to get the guy or how they get to go after that yeah and imagine yeah and if you want to learn more about mastering relationships then make sure to check out this video right here exactly how you are i love you like no changes nothing i i love you exactly how you are sometimes we feel like we're owed that and it kind of becomes an excuse again lazy to grow

Channel: Greatness Clips - Lewis Howes

Views: 167,917

Keywords: Matthew Hussey (Author), Dating, Lewis Howes, Relationships, Marriage, Advice, the school of greatness, creating desire, attraction, first date, cheating, why i got dumped, ghosting, confidence, dating advice, dating, cracking the man code, motivation, inspiration, success, girl advice, long term relationship, get the guy, how to get the guy, relationship advice, how to attract men, tips for women, what men want, make him love you, make him like you, how to talk to men, matthew hussey

Id: GUwHTGj1d3U

Length: 17min 49sec (1069 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 15 2020