To your right, there's a cup
filled with red paint. Nice. And then grab
a big paint brush. And then I just want you
to pick any canvas you want, and draw a huge "X"
from corner to corner. [ Laughter ] I mean,
it's not doable. I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it. Oof. I think I'm just gonna
draw a red "X" on my head. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's interesting because we just checked
the score board, buddy. You lost this episode. Murr: Aah! Here's your
punishment, bud. Draw an "X" on every canvas
in the room. Look at
all these canvases! Oh... Murr: Welcome to your
punishment, jerk! Oh, my God. This is basically the w--
impossible. [ Laughter ] There's eight canvases.
Yeah. So what if someone pulls
the painting away? No!
He's crushing dreams. Answer me.
I don't know! What's gonna happen?
I don't know! These all sound
like Q's problems. This is basically impossible.
You know what I'm saying? [ Inhales sharply ]
Ooh. Everybody's looking good. Let's see each painting. All right. We're gonna -- Oh, I like your cat.
Oh, I love your little cat. Oh, my God.
Oh, this is tough. What -- Murr: Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Sal: Oh, my God. No! Finished! Murr: Oh!
Oh! No! Joe: All right, bud, keep going.
[ Laughs ] [ Groans ] Sal: Oh, God. Murr:
Look at their faces. This does not feel right. Murr: That's two.
Six more to go. [ Groaning ] What do we got here? Sal: Oh, my God. Joe:
Aww. How cute. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Murr: Oh, no! Oh, there you go. [ Groaning ] Murr: No! No! Oh, that's a cute bear.
That's -- Oh, my God. Oh, no! -Not the pig! Not the pig!
-What are you doing? Not the pig! [ Laughter ] Sal: Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Murr:
Here's number five! Joe: Now they know
it's coming! Oh, my God. Murr: Oh! No! [ Gasps ] My life is horrible. [ Laughter ] Ugh! I've gotta -- [ Laughter ] We got to -- -Oh, my God.
-You get that "X" on! -You have to do it.
-You get that "X" on. It's a punishment.
You have to. You get that "X" on! [ Groans ] Murr: Oh, no! Oh. Ohh! I can't even
watch this. [ Laughter ] Murr:
This is the last one, Q. Oh, I got the fat sweats.
I got the fat sweats! I got the fat sweats! I got the fat sweats! I don't like me right now. Murr: Q, That refusal
was a big mistake. You only would have
had to do one, buddy. Oh, I got to go puke. [ Laughter ] THESE MOMMIES ARE VERY EXCITED TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR KIDS. YOU KNOW, TO MEET A NEW AUTHOR. THEN COMES IN OUR FRIEND IN THE VELOUR JACKET. HI, EVERYBODY. HI! HOW ARE YOU, GUYS? I'M BRIAN QUINN, AND I HAVE MY BOOK CALLED... "THE REMARKABLE MISADVENTURES OF Q THE DUNG BEETLE." IT'S BASED ON MY ACTUAL LIFE, WHICH I FIND IS ALWAYS THE BEST INSPIRATION. [ LAUGHTER ] "MEET Q THE DUNG BEETLE! HE LOVES SUPERHEROES AND TACOS." [ LAUGHTER ] "Q WAS THE SILLIEST DUNG BEETLE IN ALL THE LAND. 'I MAY BE A BEETLE, BUT I'M A SILLY GOOSE.'" [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, HE'S A SILLY GOOSE. [ LAUGHTER ] THEY LOVE IT. "BUT Q WAS OFTEN TOO SILLY FOR HIS OWN GOOD." UH-OH. [ LAUGHTER ] RUMBLINGS OF A PROBLEM. [ LAUGHTER ] "DURING AN IMPORTANT WORK MEETING, HE KNOCKED OVER HIS GLASS OF WATER. 'TIDAL WAVE!' HE GUFFAWED. 'THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER,' SAID Q's BOSS, MR. GRASSHOPPER. THE COMPANY'S HEMORRHAGING MONEY.'" LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GIRL. SHE KNOWS SOMETHING'S UP. "'HEY, MR. GRASSHOPPER, DON'T BUG OUT!' Q SQUELCHED. 'WIPE THAT [BLEEP] DAMN SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,' SAID MR. GRASSHOPPER." [ LAUGHTER ] "'SECURITY, PLEASE ESCORT Q THE DUNG BEETLE OUT OF THE BUILDING. GOOD LUCK LIVING WITH YOURSELF.'" OH, MY GOD. OH. OH. "THINGS ALSO BEGAN SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL AT HOME." THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEARN ABOUT TWO HARSH WORDS -- DOMESTIC DISPUTE. [ LAUGHTER ] "'YOU'RE PROJECTING YOUR INSECURITIES ONTO ME,' SAID Q's WIFE. SHE SWIPED UP A VASE AND LUNGED INTO THE SHEETROCK. SHATTERED CERAMIC LITTERED THE CARPET." [ LAUGHTER ] "'I'M LEAVING YOU, Q THE DUNG BEETLE.'" OH, NO. NOW [BLEEP] REALLY HITTING THE FAN. "Q PEERED OVER TO FIND THE CHILDREN COWERING AT WHAT THEY HAD WITNESSED. 'YOUR MOTHER'S A GOLD DUNGER.'" [ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT'S GONNA GET BETTER. NO, IT'S NOT! [ LAUGHTER ] "'HOW MUCH?'" EXPLAIN THAT. OH, NO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS HE'S -- HE'S -- HE IS ALONE. THERE'S, LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER. SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW... EVEN DUNG BEETLES NEED COMPANIONS. [ LAUGHTER ] HE IS SWEATING. OH. "Q ATE MICROWAVE DINNER OVER THE KITCHEN SINK." LOOK AT THE BLOODSHOT EYES. DRINKING BEER! DRINKING BEER? YEAH. THE RED EYES ARE FROM DRINKING BEER. YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE. [ LAUGHTER ] LOOK AT THE PARENTS! NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? NOW, WHAT DOES EVERY CHILDREN'S STORY HAVE? A HAPPY ENDING! THAT'S RIGHT! [ LAUGHTER ] SO, WHAT DID YOU GUYS LEARN FROM THE BOOK? DID ANYBODY LEARN ANY LESSONS FROM THE BOOK? YES? THAT'S RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY. YEAH! Q THE CHILDREN'S AUTHOR! THAT WAS A HAPPY ENDING FOR US. All right,
there he is. The guy with the
serial-killer hoodie on, walking around
a kid's play-space. Let's start. Junior,
I'll be right there. So what happens here is,
they might suspect that Q's a parent and his kid
is somewhere about. -Yes.
-But sooner or later, they're going to see that
no child ever goes to him. I don't know what kid poop
smells like so I'm just assuming I'm going to know when I get
it -- hi, hi, how are you? -Hi.
-Go find that diaper, buddy. -[ Sniffs ]
-Look at that! [ Laughter ] He did a dive
towards the hole! Already weird. Did you --
did you do a poo-poo? [ Laughter ] -She's on the move.
-She ran away. How do you know
if one of these kids -- uh, uh, did a number two? You smell poop? Generally, how close or far away
do you have to be? He's getting some intel! Is it just like I walk into it?
I'm like, "Whoa!" Some kids, you got to get,
like, you know, like... Aw, see? Clean. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Vroom. Vroom. Aw, you're doing great, pal.
Very clean diaper. Ah, you're right.
Clean diaper. Moving on. All right, guys.
I'm starting to lose track of which kids I checked. I got to start keeping notes. And take pic-- nope,
I'm not going to do that. Don't take pictures
of the kids. Yeah, I got it.
I caught myself on that one. [ Laughter ] Here you go.
Right in there. [ Sniffs ] Ooh, look at
that face! Some of these parents
are starting to eye me up. -You're on the radar, man.
-Oh, God. My life is so weird. [ Woman laughs ] [ Laughs ] Yeah, I'm just walking
around mumbling to myself. I do that a lot. I'm Brian. Hi. How are you?
Nice to meet you, Brian. Very nice to meet you.
Let me ask you something. How are these onesies
on odor protection? Is this the sort of thing
that you're just kind of like -- you pick it up anyway? [ Laughter ] All right.
Do you come here a lot? Uh, well,
this is my first time. How'd you hear about it? Uh, my --
my friend has kids and I'm thinking about
one day maybe having them -- Oh, so they're not
your kids? Oh, no, no. I don't have
any kids, at all. I just came down
to see, like, what it is like
to have them. Joe: He got
caught up in it. Wait, you don't have
any kids here right now? No. No, no, no, no, no. Anyway, good to meet you. Good to meet you, too. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Here we go. Now it's getting tense. Go find that diaper,
buddy. [ Laughter ] -Look at me and you.
-She's on -- Hurry those up! [ Sniffs ] Weirdo. Where's my little
cheeky-monkey? Sal: Q, I just want you to
concentrate for a second. -Yeah?
-We told you to find the dirty diaper. -Yes, I'm working on it.
-We didn't necessarily say... [ Laughter ] All right,
that's all you got to say. We just said
"Find the dirty diaper." That's it.
God damn you two. [ Laughter ] Take a good look
at the crowd. A little bit
to your left, maybe. Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] Yes! How are you doing, dear?
Are you okay? Everything okay over here? [ Laughter ]
Yeah! Stonewall Jackson! I think that she's with you
guys, but she might not be. That is what
the issue is. Murr: Uh-oh!
She just pointed. Sal: They're clearly
talking about you. Oh, my God. This is going
to make my job harder. "Bizarre."
She just said "bizarre." Yes, yes! Murr: Look at him trying
to sniff incognito. [ Laughter ] Q: I'm not
smelling anything. The lady's talking
to the old woman. -That man?
-Yeah, what did he just do to you?
-Um. He's not here
with any children. That's not safe. Oh, my God. Q: Quite frankly, she's right.
There you go. Murr: Oh, my God.
She's reporting you. This is getting tense. Now she's reporting me
to the -- to the child cops. Together: Find that poop.
Find that poop. [ Sniffs ] [ Laughter ] Right,
the baby's right there. -What, bud?
-I got to go back. That was suspect. [ Laughter ] I'm going to confirm, boys. Joe: All right, buddy.
Here we go. ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da
dun-dun-dun ♪ Hey, buddy. Whoa! This kid pooped his diaper,
and I found him. [ Laughter ] All right. Ugh. [ Laughter ] You got that [bleep]
up in the strills. He got them turd strills. Go ahead and puke it out. Puke it out! My son [bleep]
on me at 4:00 a.m. yesterday. Q: Brr, oh, my God. Sal: I got to tell ya,
for a loaded diaper, the kid has a great attitude.
Joe: Yeah, he does. I'm not gonna go to jail. Murr: Well done. [ Retches ] Liv, look up at Joe and say,
"Hey, Joe..." Hey, Joe... "...how much longer
do you have to live?" ...how much longer
do you have to live? I'm hoping to get through
this turn, sweetheart. [ Laughter ] Aww,
that's a puppy. She loves dogs.
What kind of puppy is that? It's a vizsla. Oh, look,
it's a vizsla. Liv, say, "I bet you
that would taste delicious." I bet
it tastes delicious. [ Laughter ] Yeah,
I bet it tastes delicious. [ Laughs ] ♪♪ Did you come
from the ferry? No.
Oh, you --
you didn't. Do you want
to have a sleepover? Do you want
to have a sleepover? [ Lullabye playing ] Yeah,
we can have a sleepover. [ Laughter ] Oh, you have a place --
place to stay already? Yeah. Okay, well,
we could've done a sleepover, but if you got
a place to stay... All right,
guys. [ Laughter ] Allie, can you do
a cartwheel, honey? Uh-huh.
Q: Okay. I want you to do as many
cartwheels as you can right now. ♪♪ Well,
there's that. [ Laughter and applause ] Look at her.
She keeps going. How many
could you do? ♪♪ Joe's gonna join. Look out. I don't want you
to get hurt. [ Giggling ] Murr:
[ Laughs ] Bravo! This is gross.
[ Laughter ] Allie,
do you see this girl that's reading
on the steps behind you? Go over
and take her book. ♪♪ She was taking --
she was taking that. Right?
Is that what you're doing? Mm-hmm. Allie,
throw the book. [ Laughter ] Joe,
your turn. [ Laughter ]
Yeah. Just hand it back
to you. There you go.
No, that's good. [ Laughter ] No,
Joe couldn't do it. Come on. That's not nice,
what you do to people. [ Babies crying ] -Oh, I hear a lot of babies.
-I don't like kids. Joe: That's why
it's a punishment. [ Applause ]
Hi, everybody. I've scripted out
the whole thing. There's a teleprompter they got
to read. It's gonna be great. Q: All right.
Thanks for joining us. We're "3 Men and Your Baby." Let's start with
something simple that needs to be done
all the time -- changing a baby's diaper. Joe: [ Laughs ]
Q, your line! And I'm about to show you
it's not that hard. Who wants to lend a baby?
Yeah! Aww!
Hey, sweetheart. [ Baby cries ] Okay. [ Laughs ] What's its name? -Leora.
-Leora. "Its."
"What's its name"? Q: All right.
Oh, you got a diaper on! Oh, she's got
a diaper on already. Joe: [ Laughs ] They don't know
she has a diaper on already? -Reverse-engineer it.
-I'm on it. Yeah. Yeah? All right.
Just get rid of that. There you go.
There you go. Joe:
[ Laughs ] Then what we do is --
Yeah, nice and dry. Joe: Sal's got nowhere
to put the diaper!
Here we go. Sal: You would dispose
of this normally. The disgust in Sal's face
right now is a mixture of many emotions. You're gonna just want
to make sure that's snug. Yeah, that is as snug
as it's gonna get. Joe: Okay, we should mention
that it's on backwards. [ Laughs ] Oh, my goodness. You know, let's go with --
That's good enough. Boom! That was easy! Oh. Uh-oh. Oh.
Oh, no! Look at that.
Oh, that's funny. My daughter must've thought
this was her bag. She put her diary
in my bag. [ Laughing ]
Oh, my. She probably did not intend
for this to happen. No, she didn't intend
for that. Ohh. I mean, I should have a peek,
though, right? [ Laughs ] He gave no barrier
to entry there. Let's read one. Alright. "Dear Diary" --
Oh, that's cute. She says, "Dear diary."
"My dad almost died today." Oh, no! "He tried to dunk a basketball
off a trampoline, but he missed and smashed
his nuts on the rim." Aw, I smashed nuts hard
that day. [ Laughter ] I'll read one more, right?
Yeah, you should. Oh, this guy's on board.
Wow! He's getting permission. Turn to page 7. Okay, so, uh, "Dear Diary,
I turned on my computer -- I turned on the computer today
and found out Dad's been selling his underwear
on the Internet. Apparently, he's the number-one
seller on this website because he specializes
in doing some sort of 'artsy' thing with his stains." Aw. Oh, man. You know those sites
where you can sell -- It's kind of like Etsy.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] Oh, I should read
one more, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you got to get through
this and you're done, bud. "Dear Diary --" Oh, this one's
a recent entry, too -- "Dear Diary,
what the heck? I caught Dad wearing
my shirts again." [ Laughs ] He keeps wearing my shirts
and stretching them all out. He says he keeps getting them
'confused' for his shirts." I do. "But last night I caught him
in my belly shirt, and how can he think
that an extra-small shirt with Bruno Mars on it looks anything like that dumb
pink button-up shirt he always wears
and calls 'salmon'? He needs his brain checked." [ Laughter ] You found out a lot about me
over your lunch, though. Smashed nuts, stained underwear,
the whole thing. [ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ] Very good. Joe, why don't you come on
in the room here? Murr: Now, buddy,
there's a bunch of parents about to come in the room
with all their kids. They filled out
a questionnaire with answers
about parenting.
That's right. It's a parenting focus group
with the children. Q: And you're going to be
answering some questions that we've already
filled out for you. So I'm not going to
look good as a parent? Sal: Absolutely not.
Got it. Murr: But of course
you need a kid. So we hired a child actor
to be your child. Send them in. Daddy! [ Laughter ] We wanted you
to warm up to the child actor we brought in, AKA your blood daughter. We're going to have a talk
with Mommy when we go home. [ Laughter ] Joe, it's probably
warm in there. Why don't you take off
her sweatshirt? Joe: "One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor." [ Laughter ] You like Patrón?
Yeah. Yeah. [ Laughter ] You know
this would be really fun if Daddy wasn't
getting punished? Q: I look at
your beloved daughter and I just see another tool
to use against you. Daddy's friends
are monsters. [ Laughter ] John:
Hi. How's it going? I'm John.
I'm moderating today. Just going to be talking
basic parenting questions. No wrong answers. Let's just start
with the first one. Which of your
personality traits did your child inherit? [ Laughter ]
Woman: Stubborn.
Yeah. Yeah. Do you want
to answer that one? Which
personality trait? Yeah, I'm not 100%
convinced she's mine. So I didn't know
how I should answer that. Murr: Oh, my God.
Oh my God! John: Let's keep it going
on this side. What does your morning routine
look like? Okay. Joe? [ Sighs ] [ Laughs ] The morning routine? Who the hell knows? I try to slip out before I've got to deal with
all that stuff. [ Laughter ] How long can your child
amuse him or herself? How long could you child
amuse herself? Well, not long enough,
um... Hmm. [ Laughter ] Sal: You look desperate! Yeah. How long? Not long enough
for me and her mom to try to do it. [ Laughter ] Yeah, I don't -- I'm only looking for
a couple minutes at best. [ Laughs ] Look at Joe. [ Laughter ] How do you discipline
your child for bad behavior? I would say definitely
put him on quiet time because he needs to be
by himself. This poor woman
is trying to talk.
He's putting stickers. Joe, do you want
to take that one? How do you discipline your child
for bad behavior? ♪♪ Um... [ Laughs ] I do a system.
It's, uh, reduced
water privileges. She loves to drink like
a lot of water all day. And then we'll just
bring it down a little bit more,
a little bit more. So she's normally,
she's a pretty good kid, so we don't have to deal
with it too much. John: Okay. Sal:
The looks he's getting. I think we can go
to the next question, number five. List any source material -- books, websites, TV shows,
et cetera -- that have had
a positive influence on your approach
to parenting? There's a blog
that I read almost daily. It's called
"Aha Parenting."
John: Okay. At PBSKids.org, they have
more educational games. Okay, great. Joe? A lot of the stuff I learned
on the "Dog Whisperer" works for her. [ Laughter ] You want to give Milana
some Cheerios to snack on? Milana? [ Laughter ] Okay. Look at that. "The Dog --" and Pbs.org
as everyone else has said. Yeah. How often do you say
"I love you" to your child? Joe, let's start with you
on that. She -- [ Laughter ] She knows --
She knows I love her. We don't need any of that
hippie dippy BS at our house. [ Laughter ] Sal:
They're so dismissive. Lay down, lay down. Q: Roll over. Roll over. [ Laughter ] Murr:
Thanks, "Dog Whisperer." We're getting close
to the end. We'll start this way
and go around. How many children
do you have? Just one.
Just one. One.
One. Joe, how many
children do you have? Milana has
a younger brother, but I don't let them
see each other yet. I want it
to be a surprise. [ Laughter ] How much younger? He's 2. I'm not 100% sure
he's mine. I'm not 100% sure
he's mine either. [ Laughter ] Murr: I think Joe's had enough,
right? Q: I think so. Joe, why don't you
scoop Milana up and just excuse
yourselves? John: Thank you so much
for taking the time to do this. Bye, guys. [ Laughter ] Bye, guys. Sal: Dad of the year
coming through. Excuse me.
Do you mind if I sit here? There's no other tables
Thank you so, so much. -There you go, Sal.
-There he goes. What's that on the desk,
Sal? Sa--
[ Laughs ] What's that you have
on the table, Sal? Oh, that's not
your planner, Sal. You must have grabbed something
by mistake. Not to spoil it
for everyone, but that's
your daughter's diary. Moral conundrum?
Do I -- She's looking
at you read it. [ Laughter ] This is so crazy. My daughter's diary is
in my bag, somehow. And you're reading it? Well, I didn't.
I didn't read it. I did not read it. -[ Laughs ]
-But, as a dad, I'm tempted. I've got to be honest. How old is she? She's 13. You would read it?
-Yeah. -Let me just --
-I would read that. Oh, she's in.
This woman is in. This moral quandary is being
solved here in the food court. Oh, this might be
my 16-year-old -- 17-year-old daughter's. 'Cause it says, "Yesterday, I backed into
a parked car" on this page. My 13-year-old
doesn't drive. Unless she does. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. I hope my 13-year-old's
not driving. [ Laughter ] "Yesterday,
I backed into a parked car. I did everything
Dad told me to do... -Aww.
-...in that kind of situation. I made sure... I made sure
nobody was looking, parked a few blocks away,
changed into a different hoodie. When I got out, I hope
I didn't forget anything." That's the advice
you'd give her, you dope? She's good.
She listens to you. Yeah, she does listen, because she --
she hit the parked car, and then,
I did exactly tell her, "Make sure no one's looking,
park a few bocks away, change the hoodie." We have a red hoodie
in the trunk. "So, I shouldn't read
one more." Is it crazy
if I read another page? Why don't you just read
the whole book? [ Laughter ] Well... "Dad gave me a talk about
the birds and the bees today." Oh.
"Everything he told me
was way off-base." Sounds like
you're getting -- going into
chartered waters now.
Yeah. "We learned about this
in health class. It's almost like Dad has no idea
what he's talking about." [ Laughter and applause ] All right, all right,
God bless. -You have good kids.
-Thank you so much. You've got to read three,
buddy. Here's one.
[ Laughs ] This is the last --
this is the... After this one,
I don't need to read anymore. I'll tell you right now.
"Hi, diary. Titty titty titty titty
titty titty titty titty..." -Look at her face.
-"Love, Becky." I'm putting it away.
-Great. All right.
It's respectable. Wow, that was an -- an intimate
thing I shared with you. [ Ding! ] Murr: Do you mind
if I just grab a seat, here? You're fine.
I'm here by myself.
Thank you. Oh, here we go.
Oh, my gosh. I grabbed my daughter's backpack
instead of my own. -Oh, no.
-Oh, my goodness. It's her diary. Shoot. -Oh.
-Look at her. Look at her. She knows
what's about to come. This is a moral conundrum.
[ Laughter ] I mean, do I --
do I -- -Mnh-mnh.
-No? -Mnh-mnh.
-I know, but -- I know, but mnh-mnh.
[ Laughter ] -I mean, just --
-Mnh-mnh. She's getting louder.
"Mnh-mnh." It says,
"Do not read."
[ Laughter ] At the front,
it's, "Do not read." Ugh. What does a father do? A father puts it back
in her bookbag. I know.
Maybe j-- just one. Just look. I'm just --
I'm gonna flip -- let me see. "Dear Diary, all I want is a tiny, little
ladybug tattoo on my ankle, and my parents
won't let me get one. But Uncle Jerry told me
Dad has a whole Smurf village tattooed
where no one can see it, and Smurfette
is especially detailed. I hate my life."
[ Laughter ] I just don't want my daughter
getting a tattoo. I have a Smurf village
on my back. But she wants a ladybug.
That's cute. I know, I -- but the --
you know, the Smurfs are cute. The Smurfs are cute,
but you have the whole village. [ Laughter ] I love you.
I love you. Look, this one's --
this is easy. "Dear Diary, I caught Paul looking at me
in gym class again. I've known him since
kindergarten --"
I know Paul -- "But now that we're older,
everything's just so weird. I know Dad says we can't date
because it will mess with Paul's mom being
his side piece." -Oh, Lordy.
-"Oh, Lordy." [ Laughter ]
"Oh, Lordy" is right. You see, Paul's mother,
I sometimes see on the side, and if my daughter starts seeing
him, it'll come out to my wife. It's a bad...
[ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] "There's a not a Goddamn lock
on this thing?" Why is there no Goddamn lock
on this book? [ Laughter ] I would be mortified
if my wife found this book. -Oh, my God.
-Got to get three. -This is terrible.
-"Dear Diary..." Don't read anymore. Joe: Oh!
Q: Oh! Sal: Oh! -Murray does down.
-Murray's down. I won't read anymore,
okay. I didn't want to know
these things about my daughter. You take the wrong backpack,
that's what happens. [ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ] You sit right there.
I'll sit right here. Joe: Sal's out and about
with his daughter. This is actually
Sal's niece, Mia, who's helping us out today. Love the dog, man.
Love it. -Yeah.
-Q: Mia, say to the man, "You don't go to a job interview
dressed like that, do you?" You don't go
to a job interview dressed like that, do you? Baby, baby, baby. Talk
to Daddy. Talk to Daddy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. "It's work hours,
and he's wearing shorts." It's work hours
and he's wearing shorts. [ Jokers laughing ] Back her up, Sal. She's -- She's --
[ Stammering ] [ Laughter ] She's got a --
She's got a -- She's got a --
She's got a -- Murr: Back her up, Sal.
That's your daughter. She -- I mean, you --
I mean -- [ Sighs ] I mean, I'll tell ya,
you're not gonna get
a job dressed like that if you went into an interview,
you're right. And I know she's
a straight shooter. You know. She's --
She's a v-- She's astute. [ Laughter ] Mia, say to the guy,
"My daddy's unemployed." My daddy's unemployed. Murr: "Again." -Again.
-All right, babe. "Seems like forever." -You gotta -- You can't --
-Seems like forever. All right.
You can't just -- "My daddy can't afford
to vaccinate me." My dad can't afford
to vaccinate me. [ Jokers laughing ] Joe: Look at the guy!
Go ahead, Sal. Get in there. You have to agree with her.
You haven't agreed yet. I know. I know, because we don't
have the money right now. "Why couldn't you marry rich
like this guy?" Why can't you marry rich
like this guy? [ Laughter ] Sal: We don't know
anything about him. -Q: "I know enough."
-I know enough. Say to the man, "I bet your wife
is the breadwinner." I bet your wife
is a breadwinner. Is the breadwinner? [ Laughter ] Murr:
Back her up, Sal. Sh... She said that she thought
your wife was the breadwinner? -Is that what you said?
-Is that what you said? 'Cause I agree with, uh,
with my daughter about that perception
that -- that y-your wife is probably the breadwinner.
Because I tell you what. Takes one to know one,
my man. [ Laughs ] I'm in
the park in shorts, too. Joe: Sal! Nice save.
Hey. All right. [ Ding! ] Are you still hot? Let's sit down for a minute
if you're hot.
Yeah. You want to sit down?
Let's sit in the shade. What do you say, babe? -Okay.
-You good? -Yeah.
-Q: Here we go. All right, Mia. Turn to
the girl to your left and loudly say,
"I'm an accident!" I'm an accident! [ Laughter ]
Murr: Back her up. Sal: Look at his face. -An accident?
-"Like a mistake." -Like a mistake.
-I know. We talked about it. That was between us, though.
You don't have to tell people. Mia, say to the woman,
"Miss, I live in shame." Miss, I live in shame. [ Jokers laughing ] No, I --
You shouldn't be ashamed. I mean, it wasn't your
fault, but now you're here
and you're great, right? -"Plus he wanted a boy."
-Right? Plus he wanted a boy. -Oh!
-Oh, oh! -Yeah.
-"I did." [ Q laughs ] Full disclosure,
I did want a boy first 'cause I wanted
an older brother. Like, I had
an older brother, yeah. And I feel like
the protective thing, especially how sweet
she is. "He wanted a boy
or a Cocker Spaniel." He wanted a boy
or a Cocker Spaniel. I'm neither. [ Jokers laughing ] I don't like it
when you tell me to bark. Oh, yeah. I know.
[ Jokers laughing ] Well, this has been
significantly awkward. I think we should go see
your mom at work now. What do you think?
[ Buzzer ]
