This show was sponsored
by BetterHelp online therapy. Visit betterhelp.com/padilla
because sometimes existing is exhausting. Pushing in and I'm like, "Yes, I feel that." You have to be awake. I don't know if I had to be, but I was. My name's Anthony Padilla. I spent a day with Markiplier
to uncover the truth about how he went from financial desperation
to amassing over 32 million subscribers and an unfathomable amount of money. He'll reveal how the immense pain, anger, and loss that he experienced in his childhood continues
to shape who he is today. He'll address how his work ethic is driven by acceptance of his inevitable death. Hello, Mark. Hello, Anthony. What do you think is the biggest
misconception about you? There are still people
who think that I cry in every video. Why? Because there's a meme of you crying. Exactly because in those videos in the past, those videos got a lot of views. That becomes the image
of what people think that you are. Exactly. People think-- They only saw that video
and then they're like, "Oh, yes, this guy only cries." To me, it's funny because the crying
me meme pops up all over the place. I don't really care
what people's misconceptions are because they don't know me,
and they never will. Some people might say,
"That's easy for you to say. You have over 32 million subscribers. So many people love you,
and you just innately know that." The other side of that is that for strangers to say things positively about me,
I don't take that too hard either. As much as I want
to say that my fans know me because I share as much
as possible about myself, they only see a window
of me through their screen. In a similar way,
even if they're singing my praises, saying I'm the greatest ever, some of that will go to my mind
a little bit, but in all honesty, I don't look at that either. You said that you were shaped by pain. What kind of things did
you experience and how did it shape you? Pain transforming in my life
was when I was in the hospital, discovered my appendix is about to explode, the nurse literally at my bed,
"Your appendix is about to burst. Also, you have a tumor,
but don't worry about that right now." That's exactly how they told me. Trying to reel with
the understanding of I had a tumor, that's not supposed to happen,
it didn't hit me until I got the biopsy. They had me lay down in a CT
and then they start stabbing me. Literally,
the big metal thing was a biopsy probe that had a little grabber at the end of it. Then I'm in the machine
and they're just pushing in, and I'm like, "I feel that!" You have to be awake. Oh, yes. Well, I don't know if I had to be,
but I was. They're like,
"Oh, let's have him be awake for this." It was in that moment, all that hit me. I was like, "Oh shit, this pain
is not the worst thing in the world. This pain is necessary. This pain is actually
essential to me getting better." I've had a few of those realizations
in my life. One of the more recent ones-- Do you watch Kurzgesagt? Kurzgesagt. They have this video, it was talking
about the timeline of your life, and how much time
you spend with your parents. They were saying by the time you're 18, you've spent 90%
of your time with your parent. A lot of people hearing that,
that sounds really bad. My dad died when I was 18. When I heard that, that was the most comforting
thing I've ever heard in my life because it meant I got 90%
of the time that I would have with my dad. Perspective is everything,
because if I didn't know that, if I didn't go my whole life
without ever knowing that, I would've gone the rest of my life wishing for a little more time with my dad. That was the most beautiful thing that I could've ever learned
that day or that year. That was wonderful. Loss or pain really paints
a picture of what you need to do. It's like, I am okay with
pain because it's not the end. I know the pain won't kill me,
and I've been through a lot of pain, physically and emotionally,
but none of it will stop me. Every time I try to push myself
to do something more and bigger, the pain and the hard work,
they're synonymous. Life can be pain, but all that pain means that there's something
better at the end of it. There's a payoff to it. [music] What was your childhood like? Tumultuous. Lots of ups and downs, a rollercoaster? Except for the fun. Just the terror. Oh, I was a kid playing in the woods,
eating mud. You ate mud? Did you eat mud? There's nothing wrong with eating mud. No, there's really not. Nothing wrong with eating mud. You get lots of minerals, maybe too many. Exactly. What about bullying? I got bullied a lot before puberty. After puberty, I got my muscles,
so I stopped being bullied. They were like,
"This guy could kick my ass." What were you bullied about? Oh, being Korean. Kids aren't very smart, so they picked the one thing
that they could find. That affected me a lot more than I realized. I believe the term
is called internalized racism. You start to hate the things about yourself. I hated those things about
myself because I got bullied about it. You believed
that it was something wrong with you. Exactly. Me as a kid, I didn't know
being Korean was a good thing. Not a lot of self-confidence,
not knowing anything about myself
that I could look positively on. You said
that you were a very angry teenager. Oh, yes. A lot of times I remember driving
home from school and just punching [?] and I wouldn't know why. It was just this urge
to release energy or what? Just like-- either I was frustrated
at something that happened in school or relationship "bullshittery"
that doesn't matter. I was angry and I was like-- But it does matter so much at the time. It does. It was everything at the time. I remember this one time,
I was driving home, like, "Stupid stuff," I think I was crying. There was this other car
that pulled up next to me at a stoplight. He leaned out of his window. He was like-- and I'm crying. You didn't have any other way to express it. Pretty much, or I didn't know how. [?] you grow up in this weird fleshy body and it does weird chemical things, and you don't understand how to respond-- Emotion. What the fuck? I know, right? Look at my penis. That's an emotion too. [laughs] I'm so sorry. [laughs] You just told the internet
to look at your penis. No, that was not a command. It was an interrogative statement. I don't know what that means. It sounds right. No one questioned it. That was one of the first things
that I really started to try to take control of myself, was my anger because I really did
not like where that led me. At that point in my life, when as a kid do you look
within yourself and try to understand who you are? Never. It's all about the outside. Exactly. That's what really just-- This took years. Years and years of just trying
to understand what made me angry, why I got angry, how I responded to anger, and how to stop that from happening. If you're interested in hearing what Mark and I have to say
without all this censorship, we've got an uncensored podcast version of the showdown in the description, which you should click right the F now, and this episode
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BetterHelp, for their continued partnership. If you've been keeping up with this series, you know that therapy
has been really beneficial in shaping who I am today by allowing me
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for giving I Spent A Day With viewers and listeners of the podcast 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/padilla. That's Better, H-E-L-P, .com/padilla. Now back to the world of Markiplier. You told me that your father
helped guide your morality. In what ways did he establish that? My dad was very much the kind of guy
that never did anything half-ass. "Always do the right thing. Admit if you're wrong. Own your mistakes in every aspect." That was who he was. He never sat me
down and taught me those lessons. It was just like, I saw him live that. Sounds like you're describing yourself. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'd like to think I embody
that because that's just who he was. If he ever had a grievance with
someone or an argument with someone, he would let it go the next day. I think it's just because he realized
what poison it is to hold hate. When you have this thing that's holding you back from furthering
your journey and discovering yourself, you suddenly freeze in everything you do. What drove you to first start
expressing yourself through YouTube? Just complete lack of control in my life. I realized
I was not accountable for anything. You can still fail no matter what you do, so you might as well try something
that you really are passionate about and care about because at least you'll fail at something that you tried. I saw these people that were doing
things live-action with videos and making sketches and all stuff. That's what I wanted to do at first. I didn't know how to hold a camera. I didn't know how to assemble a shot. I did something that I could do,
which was making Let's Play. I could play a video game. I can talk kind of,
and I can record and upload that. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you guys, been here first. I literally physically would not be sitting in this chair right
now if you hadn't uploaded [?] Maybe it's the side of me
that literally cannot take praise. When someone starts praising me,
I'm just like, "Sorry, what?" You had an impact. Whether you like it or not,
you did, I'm here. The horrible things I do in the future-- I am not responsible for anything Mark does. Maybe it's some defense mechanism of mine,
but I'm like, "You would've found your way eventually, regardless of the influence
that you did find." Maybe, maybe not. That's the thing you'll never know, but I am here
and I'm here for those reasons, so I can only be grateful for that. This was the first time that you felt like you were taking
some control in your life, you were doing something
that you wanted to do, something that you sought after? Changed everything overnight. I uploaded one Let's Play of a whole game,
-The Dark Descent. Then I made a compilation
video of it because I had seen other people make this compilation
of scary reactions for Amnesia, and I was like,
"I want to do something like that." I really truly don't think there's anything wrong with
people emulating art. Every single piece of art
is influenced by another piece of art. It's derivative. Everything, human experience is derivative. That doesn't mean it's lesser because of it. That means it's greater. It's necessary for evolution. Absolutely. Yes, you have to build on what comes before, and I'm using this to justify my shitty
reaction compilation that I made. It is just as good as the other one. That reaction compilation
got posted to Reddit, and it got third on the video tab,
which is like gold. I got 100,000 views. I got 200 subscribers, 100,000 views translated to 200 subscribers? Yes. That was a sad thing,
but at the time, it was incredible. I remember my mom had dragged
me to church and I was sitting in there, and my phone start going-- You got all your notifications on? Comments, subscribe. Everything was on, so my phone was just shaking
violently and glowing bright. Well, that puts it into perspective. That's how many people Oh, yes. It was. Exactly. Hundreds of people
that subscribed to my channel. The fact of the matter
was what really drove me from that moment was not about
the people responding to it, the things that they were saying. It was the fact that I made
something that was successful. The first thing that I had made
that was worth someone's time. When did you first start experiencing
big success, constant success? Five Nights at Freddy's
is definitely a big moment. That would definitely be the moment
that things just really took off, but before that, it was a strong, steady growth
because I just couldn't get enough of it. The memes of me crying all the time-- What were you crying about in the actual What I was crying about
is someone made a compilation of fan reactions thanking
me for making content. The reason it was so sad
is because I had this realization when I was watching that, that I would never be
able to have a personal connection. Because you were too big. I got too successful. That is something that people
don't realize how much it affected me because not a lot of people have that same connection with the audience they have. I literally grew up as a human
being with these people, and to know
that I would never be able to have the kind of connection I had when I started. That was devastating to me. [music] Get into Unus Annus. Can you explain
what the concept is right now? Sure. Unus Annus no longer exists. It was a project that Ethan,
me, and Amy, my girlfriend, where we uploaded at least a 10 minute live-action video every day for 365 days,
and at the end of that year, we deleted the channel live,
and it is now gone. That might be the most profound
thing I'll ever make in my life. Even the idea of Unus Annus-- Unus Annus. Annus, sorry. No, I don't even know. I was just trying
not to say anus personally. I don't think we've ever pronounced it-- [laughter] Whatever. It's close enough. Unus Annus. The idea of it is so profound. This idea of,
"I am going to put all of my energy into something because I know it is finite." Do you feel like that idea translates into the way that you think about life? Has it impacted
the way you think about life, or has the way you think
about life impacted that? One thing that I also learned
from the moment that I was on that table, getting stabbed in the back,
is that my life was finite, period. I did not know if that tumor was cancerous. I have had a heart attack. I could have died. So many things in my life have been little
wake-up calls, and for me, the greatest purpose
of my life is to make stuff, make art, put it out in the world,
and see what I can do before I die. When it comes down to making videos, for me, it's not just about the videos, it's about leaving a mark
on the world before I go. No pun intended. Oh, Mark. [laughter] I can't wait to see what's going to inspire the next generation of content creators. Inspiration is the most valuable
currency that humanity will ever have. It's so hard to define.
It's so hard to capture. It's lightning in a bottle, but once they-- Nureopathways. Exactly. It's a whole-- It's just nonsense up here. It's just little electrical But this can be turned into a real thing that makes someone else's brain go-- Then they will come up with
something else and it just echoes. I love making things that make people feel. With Unus Annus,
when it ended, people felt it. People felt it. When you feel it, that goes beyond language. Words are translations of feelings when we try to express
those feelings to each other. When you feel something,
that's a common human experience. When people look at something that I make and they feel a sense of wonder, when they feel a sense
of sadness or profundity. Words can never accurately
convey a feeling, a struggle. They get close. It goes so much deeper than that. We're all worrying
about little factual things with just a couple of words to describe such deep profound feelings that you have to be able to fully
understand. That's kind of a similar idea
with Unus Annus. That's what we like to say whenever someone's like,
"What's Unus Annus?" "You had to be there." You had to be there. [laughs] How did your financial situation change going from childhood
to the way you live now? When I was a kid,
we didn't have a lot of money, but it didn't really matter. The most memorable
Christmas I had was not one where we had a million presents,
it was one where we had one present. It was a box of Starcraft. I remember my dad was incredibly sad that he was not able to get us presents. Our tree was like a little 3 foot fake tree. To him, it was that. To me, most memorable. Going from that to then grown up
and our financial situation got stable, we were totally fine through teenage
years, and then, college. Outside of campus,
they had a free promotion for a free pizza if you signed up for a credit card. That should explain
my spiraling debt that I got into. You got your free pizza? Oh, yes. How'd it taste? Bad. [laughter] Cold. It was not worth it. Just some Chucky Cheese Pizza. Free pizza. Here's a $2,500 credit limit. Have fun, college kid. Don't buy booze when I was legal age. Of 21 years of age. 21 years old. Going into very bad debt. Couldn't even afford an apartment anymore. Moved back in with my mom. Medical bills, all this nonsense. Number one, my brother
actually paid off my credit card. Before I even did YouTube, he actually was the one that told
me about Let's Plays. Then I was able to pay off my debt,
and then I was able to buy a car. I got my own apartment. From that moment on, when I had my own
apartment, I was pretty much set. What else did I want? I had my health at the time. I had freedom. I couldn't want anymore
and then I got a lot more money. People don't understand just how much money falls out of the YouTube bucket. It's unfair. I'm not trying to brag or anything. I've wrestled with
this a lot over the years, just how much money I suddenly fell into. It messed with me. I knew what it was like to not have and then suddenly I had way
more than I ever needed. Then I was like,
"What do people even do with this?" Well, what do you do? I donate to charity. He's given a lot of it away. He's got too much of it. Let's get some of this out of here. A lot to charity. Don't get me wrong. I have a nice house. I have a nice car. I'm going to be comfortable the rest
of my life unless I make some real bad decisions. I might. You have an unfathomable amount
of money is what you're telling me. Yes. You don't hear many people openly say that. It's true. People know how many views I get. My channel has had 17 billion views. 17 billion views. 17 billion views in my channel. That's insane. Yes. That's what I'm saying. That's unfathomable. I know. Absolutely unfathomable. I know. Especially when you get $1 per view. Exactly. [laughter] What do you think you would be like if you suddenly were to lose it all? I would love that actually. Really, why? I love the idea of starting over. Really? Yes, actually, yes. Does that mean
that you would make different choices and you want to do it again? No,
it's an opportunity to do something else. Imagine suddenly YouTube exploded. What I'm left with is everything
I've learned since that point and I still have that. I am confident enough in myself
because of how much I've pushed myself through that I would be
able to face anything. I would find something else creatively to do or something completely different,
that I would be passionate about. Does that make you navigate
life with a sense of freedom? You're not beholden to this idea
that things need to be this way and they always need to be this way? No, if you-- Well, I was in a hole for four years. You couldn't even reach
out to me in four years. No, I wouldn't say I have freedom now or feel a sense of freedom
because I know that probably won't happen, so I don't count on that. What I do have now is a sense
of responsibility of-- I do have what I have and
I do have this audience and that's because I wanted it to be great, to make something that people
could really, really enjoy. It sounds like you devote
so much of your time and energy into these things,
what is it that drives you to give every single thing you do to all of it? Because I love it. I don't know. There's so many times
that people come up to me and it's like, "I've got a great business idea, all you've got to do is put your name on it. Tell your audience. You'll make millions." I say, "No, thank you,"
and go on because what's the point? If I'm making something, it's because I really love
it and I really believe that. In some ways, is that a curse
because you end up giving so much of you, so much of your time, and energy
that you had planned on initially? Yes, it'll probably kill me someday. Literally? Yes, probably. You think that overwork
may be the thing that takes you out? Overwork has already tried. Do you think that stress has contributed to your health issues
that you've experienced? Absolutely, 100% I don't have time
to exercise as much as I should, eat as well as I should,
make the good choices that I should. My social relationships
suffer because of it. I say a lot of these things
and I speak really positively about it, but I would not want anyone to follow in my footsteps too closely
because it has cost me. You've said that you don't feel
like you're a very good friend. Is that because of your work ethic? What will happen is people will text me,
and I'll see it on my phone, I'll be like "I've got to get that,"
and then I'll do something else. It's not even like I'm always working
all the time. I'm not a machine. I take breaks all the time,
I play video games on my own, but it's like I'm selfish in a weird way. Either I'm working
on something that I want to work on or I'm justifying not interacting
with my friends because I'm taking a break from all the work
that I put into my own project. There's only so much in my day pie that I can split up
for these various different things. So when it comes to friendships, trying to make time for that is difficult. Most addictions in many ways
are a distraction from something else, they are filling a void that's within you. Do you feel like your addiction
to work is filling any? A sudden sense of purpose when you had none before, as much as I say, "You need to be able to let go and move on." I am locked into that feeling,
I don't want to let that go. I would love to do this until the day I die. If I suddenly was unable
to do anything that I wanted to do, that would terrify me. Is that a sense of purpose or is it a sense of value
that you place on yourself, "I'm only as good as how much
I positively impact the world"? It's not one of those things
where there's one answer. Yes, I have a sense of purpose. Yes, I have a standard I hold myself to,
and yes, my self-worth is pretty much nailed to my ability to put
my ideas into the world. It all stems from within,
I see my own self-worth in what I make, and that's why I always
have to push myself to make more. I have to see this growth in myself
because it's also never good enough. I don't look back critically
on my past projects being like, "That was terrible,"
but it wasn't good enough. Also, my whole life isn't in shambles. I think I have better control,
a little bit better than I was. That's why I reached out to you, I'm starting to put my head up
in the world going, "I'm alive." Considering you put
all of yourself into your work, where do you draw the line
between Mark and Markiplier? I try to make sure that I remember
that when you put out content, you're drawing from the well of your life and you're pouring it into a video. You scoop out
a little more and you pour there, and eventually, the well runs dry. You don't have any more life
that you have lived that is going to be new to put into a video. You will not be any more of a human,
you will not have lived more life. Even if time has passed,
you have not done new things, you have not seen new things. That's why I think why people burn out is because they realize
this emptiness inside of them. Their purpose for which they were drawing
from the well is lost, and now they're wondering,
"I did this before, and it was working great for so long,
why is it broken now?" They just need to go live life,
they need to go learn, they need to have experiences. They need to move
and they need to go do things. With me, I try to conquer that by trying
a bunch of different things. I do these interactive things. I do sketches, I do gaming videos,
I do shit post videos. My number one most viewed video is Meow,
which I hate, 350 million views. You hate it? I hate that it's so successful. I don't hate it, it's bullshit
and I knew it when I made it, but I made a big show,
watch that one 350 million times. You have no idea
how many people are inspired by Meow, their entire lives are free because of it. That's a bad future.
That's a dark multiverse [?] You've said that existing
itself doesn't mean that you have debt
that you need to pay to the universe. You exist whether or not you let yourself
be stressed out about those ideas, about what it means to exist. Damn. I said that? Some profound shit, but what you were basically getting
at is that just because you exist doesn't mean
that you constantly owe someone or something, something about you. Existing is enough. You don't owe the world to make anything. As much as I'm like, "Yes, make content. Make what's in your mind or reality,"
you don't have to. No one has to. No one's going to make you. What I was saying
is you can drift through life and you will get from beginning to end. For me, I found purpose in trying to steer
myself through that current of life. I think
that's important for people to realize is that they have the capability
to do that, not the obligation, but also no one is forcing them. No matter how much you want to paddle, no one will make you paddle except yourself. You just finished a huge project. Would you say
this is your biggest project yet? By far. In Space with Markiplier,
it is absolutely bonkers. The production value
in every single aspect of it. I can't even break down every single
detail, but it feels flawless. Definitely, I see the flaws,
but I don't think of them as negatives. I love this concept
of what people have been saying, especially in the promotion
and then the release of it, it's like, "This looks like a movie or a TV show,
not some silly YouTube thing." That perception is still out there. It's still there? It's still there. Then when people see it,
they're like, "This is like a movie. You should make a movie." I'm like, "Bitch,
I made three movies in one movie." That is insane. It's huge. There's 90 something videos,
maybe like 89 videos. It's the biggest thing I made. It's the most complicated thing. My first time I could talk for hours about just the process of working with that,
not going, "I never went to film school." I was doing everything and it was great. That's the thing that people
don't realize about YouTube, is we do all this shit ourselves. We actually know a lot of it. I didn't know the terminology. I didn't know why I wasn't
allowed to move the lights, but I definitely had my foot
in the door in terms of all that. I was able to communicate with
all the people working on the show. It was so complicated, and the way
we filmed it had to be so optimized. They didn't know what the show was. So much of it was special effects. So much of it was done in post that they didn't even know
how it was going to look. Yes. I owe all of that post-production
special effects stuff to Corridor Crew
because of their VFX react series, YouTube circling back again. It's like YouTube helping
in ways that you never know, but it taught me the linguistics. I needed to talk to the VFX supervisor to understand what I was asking him, to know whether or not I was asking
for an impossible thing. The only way that this project
could have ever been made is because I was able to communicate
with everyone at every level. What is it about doing
what you do that brings you the most joy? Seeing the progress I made. With yourself, with your project? All of it. With myself, with my audience,
seeing that I've actually had kind of an impact on the platform
as a whole, I've seen myself progress. Every time I release one of these projects, it has just the most profound sense of fun. It's fun. It's so fun to see people enjoy it. It's so fun to see people really respond. There's people understanding what you make and then there's people feeling. I spent a day with Markiplier, and one thing that really sits
with me is his relationship with fear, how he welcomes it,
and simply existing doesn't mean that you have an inherent
debt to pay off to the universe. Are we spending all of our time worrying and stressed about the things
that we could and should be doing, or is simply existing enough? Oh, there's also people
that think I'm super short. Wait, why? Because my friends are 6'4". I'm not saying I'm tall. I'm pretty average height. I'm 5'10". So I'm average,
but people think I'm really itty-bitty. Should we do a size comparison? Sure, yes. We could do that. Let's see. See? He's not that small. No. I could rest my elbow on his head. How tall are you? Like 5'6"? Yes. I'm 5'6". You're what, 5'4"? Yes. [laughter]
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