This show is sponsored
by BetterHelp online therapy. Visit betterhelp.com/padilla
because sometimes existing is exhausting. Bitch. I'm sorry. [chuckles] Was that a tic? Yes. [laughter] My name's Anthony Padilla,
and I spent a day with Sweet Anita to uncover the truth about how becoming
a popular Twitch streamer has had life-threatening consequences, how her undiagnosed Tourette's wrecked
havoc on her life for 27 years, and how she's been able to turn the tics
that she was once mercilessly bullied for into the very thing that people
celebrate about her now. Hello, Anita? Hello. [music] You've dealt with some horrifying
and violent stalkers. Yes, I guess. What do you think it is about you that draws this kind of obsession? The easy answer is that if you're visible
to a huge number of people, at least some of them are going to be weird. I think that applies to anyone,
even if they're not content creators, because even before I started
making content, I used to have trouble with
drawing the wrong kind of attention. I think that the Tourette's makes
me seem vulnerable and accessible. Can you get into the numerous
stalking encounters that you've had? Since being a content creator, there was a guy who became obsessed with me, who moved from some other country in Europe to live down the street from me. He'd wait in my back garden for me
to leave the house and follow me. He would sit on my doorstep and just
wait for me to open the front door and try a barge into my house. He would threaten to kill me
in front of everyone on stream. The police weren't doing anything. I'd tell them and I'd show
them screenshots and things. One time,
they caught him and they frisked him, and they got a knife of him, and they just released him
three minutes away from my house again. They kept promising to do some stuff
and never did for so long. One time, I walked down the stairs
and he was looking through the letter box. I started to pass as,
"Wait a minute," and I looked back. There were just his eyes
through the letter box. I just closed it slowly. You say that with a smile on your face Because it's so ridiculous. But I don't know how you could say
that with a smile on your face. I've been living this for years. Would you say you're desensitized to it? Yes, totally. I used to be the kind of person who'd take a lot of security measures out of fear, but now it's just like picking
on your sleep seatbelt. You don't put your seatbelt on because you're terrified
that you're going to crash. You just do it just in case. Does that feel defeating at all, knowing that it is up to you and no
one is there for you? That's been my whole life,
but I'm sure I can handle it. I've gotten this far. [music] For 27 years, the thing
that prevented you from having jobs and doing the things that you want to do, and it seems like it directly
impacted your childhood, your schooling, everything, and then now you are celebrated
for that very thing. That's weird too, because for me,
it doesn't feel like an achievement. It's just a passive. The things that you don't choose
about your life, don't really define you. What you are is the ways
that you decide to handle everything. My identity lies
in how I handled my Tourette's. It's not the fact that I have it. I feel like I can't take
credit for my condition. What I can take credit
for is how I've managed to make that a good thing about my life
rather than a bad thing. What was your childhood like? Dope. My mom was not very well
throughout most of my childhood. I was caring for her. I learned how to take
care of myself very young. She couldn't earn. She wasn't getting a diagnosis, and the doctors wouldn't tell
her what was wrong with her. This meant that there were huge
periods of time, on and off, where we had no money,
no food, and nowhere to live. When she went away for a while,
I had to live with my dad, and his wife assumed
that every time I acted up or said anything inappropriate,
I was attention-seeking, I needed to be punished,
to the point where when I broke my arm, they thought that I was just
attention-seeking, so they didn't believe me. My stepmom shook my broken
arm to prove that I was just faking it, and I wasn't. It fucked me up. A lot of people, when I first
hit the scene of content creation, thought I was a compulsive liar. I could see some people
thinking that there's no way that you could end up being a Twitch streamer with
a story that you have. Yes, maybe, but this I have proof of. We ended up with no home. At first,
it started to just fall into disrepair and there were loads of holes and rats and things like that,
and then we ended up losing that place and having nowhere to go for a while. I lived in a field,
and I lived in a tree house. We'd had a homemade tent. The treehouse would sway in the wind,
and it was really high up. If you fall, you die. That's how high up these trees
are.Th ere was a rope on the top and a rope on the bottom. You just hold onto the top rope
and then walk along the bottom rope. To get from tree to tree, there were five people
on it and my mom went up. I don't think that this rope's meant
to take the weight of five people. Everyone at once just
panicked and was like, "Oh God." If snapped, they'd all die. My friend was like, "That's the perfect time
to take a picture of them all," so there's all these people
just with their death face on just clinging to the rope for dear life. You starved for weeks out in this field. We didn't have much money,
so hunger was an issue. I remember us buying a bag of potatoes once and having to make it last for-- I think it was a month. After a while,
people started bringing us stuff. We had a tent that was just
full of stored food. They made the mistake of putting
all the chocolate in one bag. I was a little kid, and I saw a bag
of chocolate, so I ran away with it. My cheeks were stuffed when they found me. My mom was like,
"Did you eat all the chocolate?" and I was like-- [music] When did you first experience Tourette's? I remember that my first
word was not mom or dad. It was Michael Shoe-smacker. My memory of saying
it was like it was a tic. The first remembered word, I remember saying compulsively
to the point where it hurt not to. I think I might have been having
tics before I even learned how to speak. My mom's pretty sure that was my first
word, and I said it obsessively, and it really annoyed her. Why? Because she was like,
"You're not saying mom. Come on. Just give me a 'mom'. [laughs] It's three letters. Okay?" You didn't get diagnosed until you were 27. No. Were your tics more mild before that? No. No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. What was it? Because it seems like it would be obvious,
right? Yes. [whistles] This person has Tourette's. You're saying, "Michael Shoe-maker," whistling, snapping your fingers,
and saying, "I'll kill your dad." You would think that someone
would say that's Tourette's. The first time I went to the doctor
about it, I think I was like 13. I took myself. I had a little bit of a chicken
wing tic going on. I was like, "I didn't ask my arm to do that. I keep doing it. I can't stop. I don't know what it is," and he was like,
"Do you think you have magical powers?" I was like, "No," and he was like,
"Do you hear voices?" I was like, "No." "Well, you seem sound of mind, so you're probably just attention-seeking
and you'll grow out of it." Basically in my 20s, I was like,
"Listen, I'm not attention-seeking. It's still here.
Can we just find out what it is?" Yes, they did a few brain scans,
and then they never got back to me. I got on with my life
for another five years, I want to say. It was still messing
with my life really badly, so I went back to the doctor. I was like, "Hey.
We did those tests a while back. Can we keep doing them,
because I still want to know." They're like,
"Oh, we diagnosed you with Tourette's." I was like, "Well, why didn't you tell me? I've been living-- I have an extra-- What?" That day was like the best day
of my life because I had an explanation. It wasn't like I needed therapy. It wasn't like I was to blame. I felt guilty because there were times
where my tics were really violent. I had a tic where I'd keep punching people. Oh my God. I got a boyfriend at the time. I kept doing it to him,
and I couldn't explain why. I'd be like, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." He stayed with me for a year
not knowing why I hit him. [whistles] What were some of your worst
tics before the diagnosis, things that people might be like,
"Oh, obviously," it was clear that you had Tourette's. I'd shout, "I'm a paedo." In fact, I did that when I met
my ex's parents for the first time. I think that's the best and worst
day of my life. [chuckles] You walk into the house, "I'm a paedo."? Oh, no. It was so much worse. I went to meet them. My boyfriend at the time said, "Hey. Can we not tell them
that you have Tourette's, because it will be funny." I was like, "Okay."
I spank people as a tic as well. I did not get to give
that disclosure warning to the guy bending over and leaning into the frozen section at the supermarket. I just randomly spanked this dude
I didn't know right in front of them. He stood up, and he was really angry. He had his fist ready to go. Then he looked down at me and he was like,
"What do I do?" I just took the moment
of confusion as an escape route, and I immediately turned
to face my ex's parents. I'm bright red, I'm really embarrassed,
which triggers tics. We get out into the main
street in front of everybody, and I've been holding
in my tics as much as I can. Can't anymore, and I just go,
"I'm a paedo," just really loudly. Everyone stopped and looked at me. His brother and his dad
had gone raspberry red, and they were just like falling
on the floor laughing. They didn't bring it up. They just laughed at me. On the drive home,
my ex was like, "By the way, my girlfriend has Tourette's syndrome." "We guessed." You'll have a tic where I'll make a gesture as if I'm a man having a gamer moment. Once a car stopped for me
to let me cross the road. Mom and dad are in the front,
kids are in the back, and I just walk along like this,
just awkwardly fap walking along, just making that gesture at them. Are you conscious of this action
happening as you're doing it, or is it sometimes just so natural
that you don't even really notice? Sometimes it just comes
so naturally because I'm used to it, and I know everyone's not giving a shit,
so it's just like, "Oh, the wank thing happened anyways." Other times, I am forced to do it when I really don't want to do it. In my head, I'm like, "No. Stop," but my body is just like,
"Hello, random person." You said that[whistlse] sometimes you're-- Was that a tic? Yes. [laughter] You caught it though. Yes, I always catch it.
Everyone's like that. I dropped some broccoli in front
of you earlier and caught it. Oh. Was that a tic? Yes. I thought it was a balance issue. Sometimes I'll throw a cup. I'll throw it up and it'll land
in my hand again. If all of the drink will land in the cup,
then I'll be like, "Yes." You do a full 360 with some liquid in it? The cup, no. That's why I've got cups that curve inwards, because then you're less likely
to spill them. I used to get spill-proof cups,
but they don't work when you're drunk, and I drink a lot on stream. Drinking,
have the tics come out more or less, or does it affect anything? Interestingly, you're a bitch,
and you're a bitch. Thank you. Nice tits. I have tits, but not yours. [chuckles] All facts, man. [laughter] What was the question? Does drinking bring it on? No, it turns it down. Part of the condition is overproducing dick [laughs] and dopamine, overproducing dopamine. Alcohol is a depressant, so I genuinely do feel
different when I drink alcohol. The medications that are experimentally
used for depression, for Tourette's syndrome are depressants. A lot of people don't like them and don't stick with them
because they can make you not feel like yourself, or they can just make
you feel like a zombie. I've just been fine to just leave my mind exactly how it is because it's not all bad, and I'm not willing to sacrifice the way that I think just to stop swearing. [music] I went to so many different schools
only for a few weeks at a time. Longest was a year. I didn't go to school anymore
because tics got me in trouble. They tried to spread rumors about me,
just silly kid stuff, but I tic and agree with it. Did you say, "Yes, that's true?" They'd go, "Do you do drugs?" I'm like, "Yes," and them, "Let's see. I told you it was true." Sometimes I'd just be really offensive
and people wouldn't know why, I wouldn't know why. There was this one time where a guy, well, a few sixth-formers when I was about 12. I said the wrong thing to them. I don't even remember what it was anymore,
but they beat me unconscious, stamped on me, broke my fingers,
and I woke up in the medical room. I was like,
"There's no point in getting an education if I'm not going to survive to use it." I went back out into home education again, and I learned how to teach myself. Did anyone try to convince
you that these bullies were just flirting with you? Oh, yes. Apparently, if a guy hits you, it's because he likes
you when you're little, which isn't a good thing
to teach little girls. Nobody ever did anything about it. If I told a teacher, they'd be like, "Oh, he just likes you. He just likes you." It taught me a lot of strange ideas of love. I ended up in an abusive relationship. He was nice for the first few years,
and then he got physical. By this time, I didn't know
what love was supposed to look like. If I'd threaten to leave,
he'd be like, "Well, who would treat you any differently?
You're crazy." I just didn't feel
like I had any choice anymore. There was a pretty rough time
I ended up trying to end my life. They took me to the hospital. I'd started self-harming at the time. They got a plastic surgeon to try and reconstruct my arm because of the scars. They didn't think I'd gone
in for a suicide attempt. They thought I had gone
in for the self-harm. I was like, "No, no, no. Don't worry about that. I'm here for something else." They assigned me some mental health help, but I was on a waiting list
for a year before I got that. I just got sent home to deal
with my life for a year alone. After an attempt at your life, they say, "Go back to the place where you tried this." Did you feel tempted to try again? Yes, but my ex was just following me
and watching me like a hawk to try and make sure that I didn't again. I got it together. I found a place to escape. I collected seaglass on the beach. I sold it and I saved up money,
bought craft supplies, sold craft supplies online. Just from zero, from literally no money, I went from that to running
a business for supporting myself and just go on with life. Did you realize that the only way
you would comfortably make a living is if you didn't have to worry about your Tourette's getting
in the way of it? Yes, because if I worked in a store and I just like threw beans at kids heads,
there's no way I'm employable. The video of it would go viral. True. [chuckles] [music] When did you first start
creating content for streaming? Four years ago now. I never intended to be in front
of a camera in my life. I've been so embarrassed about my condition, and I've always been accused
of being an attention seeker, so the idea of being in front of the camera and seeking attention seemed like confirming everyone's doubts about me growing up. I wouldn't even wear
colorful clothes for most of my life, because I felt like I'd be confirming
that I was an attention seeker. Then I was playing computer games and somebody in SQ
streams started talking to me. I didn't know he was streaming,
and he admitted it later. I looked at his chat, and they're like,
"He's either a voice actor, or a slut, or a content creator.
Got to find out." They assumed
I was because the way I was speaking and just the way I was interacting
and making everyone laugh. When I read all those comments, I was like, "If I do passively something
that people actively try to be, why not give it a go?" It was never about, again, being a success. I didn't watch anyone else's streams, I didn't understand
anything about streaming. The fact that everyone was suddenly
here felt like, "Oh, God, no. I have to take it seriously
and I have to know what to do." You didn't choose to be successful. It fell on my lap by accident. [music] What propelled you into the popularity
that you see today? Is it bad that I don't know? You don't know why people are there? No, I've no idea. I think one of the things
that really helped me get a lot of exposure
was because Kotaku hates me. There was this lady, and she interviews me. She acted like my biggest fan,
and she asked me loads of questions. She was really fun and supportive. At the end, she was like, "What do you think
of the people who say you're fake?" I'm like, "I thought my condition
was fake when I was younger. I can understand." Then she was like, "Well, what do you say
about experts saying that you're wrong?" Do your mods think you're fake?" all this stuff. She really went into it. She's like, "You're going to have to send
me your medical records." I was like, "No, I'm not giving
you my medical records." She then got in contact with me
a day before the article and went, "Last chance to send me
those medical records." I was like, "It's still a no." She published the story anyway, but then she said loads
of stuff that I hadn't said. She claimed that I just told
her that I had 200 chinchillas. She would abbreviate situations
so that it seemed more absurd. "She claims that her mother
had debilitating illness from a volcano in Africa. She has 200 chinchillas but declined
to show me any pictures of them. All of these really strange things. Trying to paint you as A liar. A liar. That article made a lot
of people come to my streams. In a roundabout way,
despite what she was trying to do to me, I ended up winning in the end. I cannot bring myself to care
what people think of me anymore, and it's so freeing. Was there a moment when you realized, "Oh shit, I could be doing this full-time." Yes, and at that time
I still didn't stop renting my office, because I felt like everyone
was going to hate me tomorrow or I'd get I get cancel
anxiety over nothing. My memory is terrible, but I'm pretty sure I haven't
done anything cancelable, but I'll still get cancel anxiety. I'll still think my job
could be out the window tomorrow. Is that because you think that you're going to have a tic
that is cancelable? Oh, I've already done that. [laughs] I've had the n-word tic
for three or four years, and people would clip
it out of context to go, "Look, this bitch is promoting racism for money." They wouldn't even mention
I had Tourette's syndrome. Oh, that's an unimportant detail. Yes. They just leave
that out and let me deal with the hate. Aside from that though, I keep
feeling like one day everyone's going to just not give a shit
about my content whatever. Content creation is such a vulnerable job because you rely on the whims of the public, and they're not very rational people. What kind of unexpected fears and dangers come along with
being a popular streamer? I am a living cautionary tale. They will try to find you and harass you. People will latch onto you and become
obsessed with you. It will become impossible to do basic
things that you took for granted. You'll never know whether people
are trying to get close to you because they like you or your social
currency. Was there a huge shift in your financial security
since becoming popular? Hell, yes. I was only just starting
to dig my way out debt. I had a habit of taking
on animals I couldn't afford. I'd be like, "Well,
overdraft fees won't kill me, but not getting veterinary care
for this hedgehog will kill the hedgehog." I guess we're living off beans. I would end up thousands of pounds in debt. I was just clawing myself
out of that when I found content creation. I definitely have been able to help
my mom and pay for her care, and be able to do things
I never even dreamt of doing. I've never left the country before until I started
doing content creation. I never thought
I'd ever be able to afford to. [music] I usually ask any creator that I interview what was your most awkward or bizarre fan interaction? I waxed a guys' balls. Before we get more into that, I want to let you know that you can watch
the last time that we had Anita on I spent Today with People with
Tourette Syndrome here on YouTube, or on the completely
uncensored podcast version of this show by clicking
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from anywhere in the world. Now back to the world of Sweet Anita. I waxed a guys' balls. You waxed a guys' balls? Yes. I waxed a viewer's balls. I'm guessing it wasn't a tic. No. How did the balls Get waxed? End up getting waxed? Very painfully. He actually bled. Then you shouldn't ask someone
with Tourette's to wax your balls. How did that end up happening? I play [?] games with my viewers. Me and two other viewers were very drunk. This viewer said, if you clutch
this and win this round of Apex, I will let Sweet Anita wax my balls. That was for you? [laughs] I had no part in the suggestion whatsoever. I've never even thought
about waxing anyone's ball before, but as soon as he said it I'd be like,
"Now, that sounds like content." Me and this other viewer were strongly
assured that this was just a joke, because there's no way he could win,
but he won. What was the conversation like? Hey, I won. I was serious. He won, and then he joked about it, because it happened
in front of a bunch of people. He joked about it to a lot
of my other viewers in my community, my Disqus community. They were all laughing and saying,
"You owe him a ball-waxing. Is it real? Is it going to happen?" I was like, "Yes, if he's brave enough." I was so sure he was not brave enough. The guy came to my house. Turns out he's very brave and has very tiny balls. Balls just need to be waxed. They do. Who's going to do it if not Sweet Anita? I can give you a spank on the way out too. If you need a ball waxing, hit me up. I don't charge that much. You have no idea how many people
are in your DMs right now. I'd rather that than the dicks. [music] What are the questions
that you get asked in every single video? Are you going to be able to guess what demographic what kids might stream? [laughs] Okay. I'll try to envision the type of person
asking each of these questions. Do you tic in your sleep? Do you tic during sex? Can you still give blow jobs? You ever had a tic fart? [laughs] Okay.
These are all the same type of persons? Yes. Do you deal with people
fetishizing your tic? Yes,
and I did not expect me offering to fuck people's dads to make
people so fucking horny. That's why you now have a tic
where you call people cocks. Shut up, cock. Sorry. [laughs] [laughter] There are a lot more cocks that I thought
there would be in the world, but aside from learning that, I've also been very much
fetishized my whole life. I've never met a woman
who says such dirty words. They're just not used to the swearing. Also, a lot of people think
that it's what I'm thinking about, and they just think
that I'm horny all the time. Once I got in a taxi. I was like, "I'm sorry. I have Tourette's Syndrome. If I say anything inappropriate,
I'm really sorry." He was like, "Oh, don't worry,
I have a bit of an imagination too. I watch anime." I was like, "All right.
Just let me out of here." I think he meant Hentai, honestly. Oh, I think that's definitely what he meant. Don't worry. I'm dirty too, babe. I was just like, "Nope." [music] You've said that no one believes
you when you talk about your sexuality? I am demisexual. Basically, I don't feel
attraction to people physically. I'm completely indifferent to bodies, and I've never felt physically
attracted to anyone I didn't know. A lot of people just don't believe me, probably because of the tics
and how lewd they can be. Other people just
don't think that's a thing. What do you think the biggest
misconception is about you? My dick, my dick, my dick, my dick,
and dick, and dick, and dick, and dick, and dick,
aside from how horny I am, obviously. When I ask, "Why are you still here? Why are you watching my content?" People say, "Hey, I came for the tics. I stayed for the personality. I stayed for what you have to say, because I didn't expect you to make
content beyond your condition." I guess a lot of people just think
that my content is my Tourette's. I talk about all sorts of things. I talk about anything from handling
grief to where the clitoris is. Two very important sides of the spectrum. Yes, I think both will happen in life. You need to understand both. I think people don't expect
me to have any opinions, and they don't think
that I'm going to say anything of value. They're just waiting
to laugh at the next tic. All right.
You've got five seconds to shout out and promote anything
you want directly in the camera. Sort of. I'll set you up here. I'll set up your dad, you bitch. Oh, I'm sorry. [laughs] I did need some chopsticks. [laughter] Hey, I'm on TikTok. I am on Facebook, Twitter,
Twitch, and YouTube, and probably a bunch
of other places I've forgotten about. Would you feel
comfortable encouraging people to subscribe to the channel? Cool. Yes. [laughs] Subscribe to this dude. He's gay. He's gay. He sucks cats for money,
[laughs] and he has a great channel. [laughter] Well, there you have it. I spent a day with Sweet Anita. One thing that really
resonates with me is her notion that you can't hide
from anything within you. Whoever you are underneath it all, regardless of how much you try
to suppress it, wants to present itself. Sometimes that supression is the very thing that prevents us from feeling
like we're truly living. [music] I've had people talk
to me for a while and go, "Don't take this the wrong way,
but do you have Tourette's?" I'm like, "Yes," and they're like, "Oh. Oh." I swear they're involuntary. I absolutely swear up and down,
but nobody believes me. There are really some terrible times
to wink, when you threaten someone's dad and I go, "I'm not going to kill your dad." [winks] [laughter] Don't you also have a tic where you say,
"That's not a tic?" Yes. [laughs] It's really dangerous. I'll be like, "Would you like a fisting?" They'll go, "Ha-ha," and laugh nervously,
and then I'll go, "That's not a tic." [laughter]
