I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend

right so as you like let go of that stuff and you start focusing on yourself like as you start like just allowing yourself to be this human that you are instead of failing to be that what you want to be people find that attractive that's the huge paradox all right so posted by machine gun wizardry i believe i'm going to be a virgin for life because i'm ugly every insult says this but i think i'm the exception and it's true i know how egoistic and pitiful that sentence reads at first glance but i think it's true i have a lazy eye and a crooked nose i was born with it and without success i have never been able to get past a first date i'm 26 and every year i lose hope more and more i know there's things i could do to improve my chances i'm overweight 5 11 and 273 pounds but i can't find the motivation to do it because i don't think it would make a difference i know dr k talks frequently about how in cell mindset is a delusion but most of the people he talks to aren't as ugly as they believe they are i'm conventionally ugly i'm deformed and i don't ever feel any attraction from women i'm around and been friends with besides even if i did magically wake up tomorrow a new man with a new face i'm so broken from years of rejection and so romantically stunted from years of no success that even if i could i'd be so behind i wouldn't know what to do or read body language i'm always just going to be the 26 plus year old virgin if i even if i did get laid i'm branded being so late to the game makes me feel like i'm branded a virgin loser for life i usually don't think about it but lately it's been rough i've been thinking about suicide here and there and sometimes i feel close to it but i don't want to live my whole life alone i'm not looking for advice i just need to vent because i can't talk to any of my friends and i don't want them to see how much of a depressed loser i am i rather have been born looking literally like anyone else than this thanks for reading and i hope you all had a lovely new year okay so let's upvote this all right so sometimes when people feel like they're going to be alone forever they feel like they're ugly or they feel like objectively um they have like no shot right and they can even acknowledge that if i got into shape if i changed my mindset like all that stuff like i understand that technically that improves my chances but i'm so far beyond help that objectively i'm screwed and the truth is like i know it's going to sound kind of bizarre but i'm inclined to agree with that person right so this is where we have to be kind of careful here for a second so what some people may say in response to this is you're entitled to your feelings right you're entitled to feel that way like it's okay to feel like you're screwed and i want you all to think a little bit for a second if i were to respond to this person and say you're entitled to your feelings is that validating or invalidating what does that actually mean what do you all think if i were to tell this person you're invalid you're valid you're entitled to your feelings right what are we actually telling this person what's the signal that we send to this person we say you're entitled to your feelings so it's kind of tricky because for a lot of people if you say you're entitled to your feelings what you're sort of telling them is like it's just all in your head right these are just your feelings it's not real it's just like all in your head like oh it's like oh you feel hurt oh you're like it's valid that you feel hurt doesn't mean that you are hurt but you're allowed to feel that way so there's something really interesting going on which is that i've noticed that people are starting to use the language of entitlement to feelings as a way to invalidate people's experiences right it's kind of weird so let's just try to so we're going to try i know it's kind of weird but it but i'm sort of inclined to kind of agree with this person now i don't think that they're hopeless but i agree with a lot of their premises and if you if you are someone who feels objectively like you understand that mindset works for under peop other people like you understand that like any one of these things can improve your chances but you still feel hopeless i don't think you're actually wrong and at the same time i don't think things are quite as hopeless i think the situation is as you describe it and i do not agree with your conclusion i'll agree with your premise because in a lot of these situations what people will do is they'll like dispute the premise oh it's like actually not that bad and we kind of see this it in this post as well where he kind of says you know um i know dr k talks frequently about how the incel mindset is is a delusion so i wouldn't start by saying that this person is delusional right i don't think they're actually delusional i think that their conclusions are incorrect but like who am i to say that this person is delusional right like i don't know what this person looks like i don't know what this person's experiences have been so let's just try to understand like what is going on with this person and what we can do about it so the first thing is this person says that i'm 26 okay no sexual experience missed the boat right spawned too late late to the party things got patched and i wasn't able to get the fat loots from the exploit okay so they're lack motivation okay they have a lazy eye they have a crooked nose like they're pointing out too like legitimate physical what we call deformities their word that most people don't have right these are things that are like minus one penalty to dating like that's like a pretty like legitimate concern overweight right we don't really know much about uh you know their professional standing education things like that maybe they're rich maybe they're poor we don't know anything about that so let's steer clear of that stuff and then the last thing is that they feel so broken right they like they've been rejected so much that even if they could fix all of these other things that like this sense of brokenness and the sense of rejection is too hard to fix now let's try to understand this person's mindset so what they're kind of saying is like i'm screwed so this results in i'm screwed and now i'm gonna ask y'all like let's be a little bit honest here for a second like you know how screwed is this person like it doesn't look optimistic right they've got a lot of stuff going against them they don't know how to read body language they have no experience they've got a crooked nose they're overweight they have lazy eye they lack the motivation to like help themselves so it's like natural like i think it's not stupid to arrive at this conclusion i disagree with it i think there's a lot that you can do but let's start by like at least acknowledging that this isn't just your feelings like this person objectively has the deck sacked against them like can we kind of acknowledge that for a moment so now now here's the problem is that when you are this screwed our brain when it's trying to determine so like let's talk about motivation so like people are saying okay like this person should be you know should start working out start doing this and start doing this then you can get better you can get better right there's a lot of solutions that people will offer go to the gym you can fix that right go to a therapist you can fix that go do coaching if there's no illness like right so you can like do coaching and understand about yourself and like get motivated and all that kind of crap right but all these solutions i would even toss a couple of others on there so there's like surgery you can do for lazy eyes depends on what's causing the lazy eye you know there's also surgery you can do for crooked noses right it's it's possible i'm not necessarily saying you should do it i'm not recommending it but there's a lot you know there's a lot that you could do so why is this person lacking motivation if there are so many different things that they can do right so that that's a common experience sometimes like so so let's talk about this for a second so the more things you can do to improve your life the more overwhelmed you are the more solutions you have so people think that you're hopeless because you lack solutions but the truth is that the most hopeless people have the most solutions there's like way too much stuff to do it's not actually that you're hopeless because you lack solutions it's because you're hopeless because you're overwhelmed and then you're like get into the procrastination mode you guys get this the closest thing to this person's psychology is someone who's a chronic procrastinator because there's a lot that they can do but it's just too much to handle and so they're almost like i want you all to think about this as like a procrastination problem as opposed to like a no solutions problem because there's actually tons of solutions you can like you know read books about dating you can work on your self-confidence you can like you know focus on yourself you can become confident work on your confidence right like you can these are all the things that you can do but why don't you do them it's because there's it's too overwhelming now let's try to understand what what does that mean overwhelming like how does that work in our brain so our brain is very good at making calculations and it's like really good at figuring out what is worth doing and what is not worth doing right so like i'm not going to go outside and like hunt for ducks because my brain knows that my likelihood of finding being able to hunt for a duck is pretty low i don't know how to do that so i'm not going to go engage in that behavior our brain is very good at figuring out what we can accomplish and what we can't accomplish so let's understand what's going on in the brain of this person so if we say go get surgery but what about all these things right like this is left undone this is left undone this is left undone this is left undone and this is left undone therefore surgery is not gonna fix my problem therefore i'm not gonna do it okay but like what about my getting going to the gym yeah like even if i did that this is not gonna get done this is not gonna get done this is not gonna get done and this is not gonna get done so it's like this is gonna be insufficient to fix my problem so i'm not gonna do it i feel broken and rejected okay go to therapy okay sure like if i go to therapy and i feel less broken and rejected like i'm still gonna have the lazy eye i'm still gonna have the crooked nose i'm still gonna be fat it's not going to be enough so i'm not going to do it right like and even if i like have like if i get surgery and i lose weight and stuff like that i'm still going to have no sexual i'm going to be a 26 year old virgin like nothing is going to change that and so the reason we feel overwhelmed is because any step we take is not enough right and i want you guys to think about when you're procrastinating for finals it's like when you've got so much stuff to do i know i'm actually personally experiencing this now where i feel paralyzed because i have so much crap to do like i've noticed this in a way that i haven't noticed in a very long time where it's like there's just so much to i don't even know where to get started and when you don't know where to get started you can't do anything and if you can't do anything you stay stuck right and then we procrastinate then we go back to our coping mechanism okay so like this is too much so what am i gonna do play games pornography here we go i'm gonna advance the clock right i'm gonna advance the clock i can get an rpg i'm going to wait 24 hours but like your situation is still the same so how do you deal with this right and i think the answer is is kind of interesting and it's it's old stuff that people say that they say things like focus on yourself and and you know focus on your confidence and things like that which i think is the answer but it's not i can can't just tell you just focus on like what does that mean practically like what's going to go on in your brain practically if i tell you to focus on yourself right so i'm going to kind of tell you all a story so when i started residency i got married my first year at like towards the end of my first year of medical school so when i was like when i started residency so i'm a doctor i'm working in a hospital and i kind of noticed something weird so when i was growing up like i didn't get any female attention in college i tried to get some female attention and it went horribly and then like you know even in my middle years like i i had a girlfriend who was awesome and stuff and that was great um but like kind of the couple years before medical school it wasn't like i was getting you know i wasn't like talking to girls or girls didn't seem that interested in me and then you know i got married and then during med school then like i didn't have to worry about any of that crap anymore and so i got married and i like had this woman that i loved and we were happy and so like i started you know doing things just like for the sake of doing them like i wasn't worried about any of that other crap i wasn't trying to look for a girlfriend i wasn't flirting so like if i met a girl like in school like i didn't care if she was pretty i didn't care if she was ugly i didn't care if she was single i didn't care like about any of that crap like i don't care like it's just like i'm gonna interact with this person based on the circumstances of our interaction and then something like magical happened i started becoming like a warm and pleasant human being and then i go to the hospital and then there's like a lot of people at the hospital right and so i'm like interacting with people and i tend to be like kind of warm and funny and upbeat and stuff like that and then like i kind of noticed i started getting like female attention and i was kind of confused by that because i had never had really female attention before you know i i still think to this day that you know the girlfriend thing and the wife thing was that was a fluke like it was just like a one-off right i don't think i i mean i guess i did some things good but and so then i started to realize like oh like why is this happening and it's just like i'm allowing myself to you know be my best self like i'm just being my best self and i'm not worried about dating anyone i'm not worried about getting into anyone's pants so i'm just like you know if i see someone and i like someone's shirt like i can compliment like a nurse on her shirt i'd be like that shirt looks i mean you don't do that it's a stupid example cause they all wear scrubs but you know you can just compliment someone you can say hey like you know looks like you got a haircut looks fantastic you can say that you're just like you just be a nice human being and as you start being a nice human being and you get the [ __ ] out of your own head because that's an important part right like you start attending to other people like you start to come across as confident and then i'm also focusing on yourself so i'm like trying to you know exercise and like you know i'm just like trying to be a decent human being all on all on my own and the funny thing is that by focusing on yourself by focusing on being a decent human being and not worrying about dating anyone i was like found a ridiculous amount of like female attention which i had never experienced before and then i was confused and i was like this is because i'm a doctor because the doctor probably has something to do with it but it's a common myth that just because you become a doctor does not mean that like the opposite sex will start drooling all over you or the same sex if you're that's your thing sure it's kind of attractive but it's not gonna fix all this other crap and so then like the problem here is that you're going to be stuck as long as you're trying to like you know get with someone so if your goal is this none of these steps will be sufficient and then your brain will tell you there's no point in trying because getting with someone oh let's see if that shows up so getting with someone like is too big of a problem to solve and since that's the problem you're trying to solve your motivation is gonna completely disappear because nothing you do will be enough because i agree with your premise and so the paradox here is that like this is what keeps you stuck so this is where also like if you're procrastinating like you can't solve you can't fix it all at once so the only way forward is to stop trying to fix it and this is where things get a little bit tricky because stop trying to fix it can mean one of two things it can mean becoming hopeless or it can mean changing your goal so forget about everything else and just focus on this right like are you happy with the way that your body is like forget about women forget about sexual attraction forget about dating forget about everything else are you internally happy with this is this something you are happy with and if the answer is no change it right let the outcome be something that is like absolutely much more close to what you can do or even like let go of the outcome completely which i'm not sure that this person can do but like understand that this is not the goal over here like this is the goal right if you like if you have a lazy eye like there may be medication that you can get or there may be surgery you can do like you may be able to do that if you have a difficulty with driving i don't know where what part of the world you live in but like generally speaking you know people will do things like you can get those kinds of surgeries and they'll be covered if you've got double vision and you drive or like there are all kinds of different things if you're feeling you know you're worried about being broken and rejected like you can go to therapy just because you don't want to feel broken anymore like it has nothing to do with women it has nothing to do with being alone and this is the biggest problem that this is how we shoot ourselves in the foot is we try to set a goal or we don't try we end up setting a goal for ourself that involves so many different variables that we create an unsolvable problem and when faced with an unsolvable problem we feel overwhelmed we feel we procrastinate we feel no motivation and then we end up not solving our unsolvable problem which is not a delusion like this person isn't delusional like they're smart they're like not an idiot right they've like accurately concluded they've like figured this out now the problem is you can say but okay dr k if i start working on myself is that the way that you i end up with someone who's i say yes that's the way you end up with someone but the problem is if that is your target in your mind literally the equation in your mind will not let you engage in it it cannot be the outcome that you're chasing because if you chase that outcome nothing will be sufficient it'll never be sufficient and so when people say focus on yourself like how do you do that i know it's kind of weird but what you do is you give up on it sure give up on finding someone i sure as well know that i did and that when i met my girlfriend is bizarre but giving up on it doesn't mean suicide giving up on it means finding a different goal just let go that goal right grieve it so when you're when you're faced with an unsolvable situation you've got two options hopelessness and grief and what you need to do is grieve it say sucks for me i will be alone for the rest of my life so be it then the question becomes what can i do in this life that will give me some shred of happiness what can i take some pride in what can i do for myself that'll like do something for me like i don't know maybe five years from now i'm gonna commit suicide but people are gonna be able to lift the casket because i ain't gonna be overweight when they put me in the ground right like i know it's kind of morbid but i'm serious like there are things that you can take pride in in this life right even if you're single like there are things that you can do you could try to be a better human being for other people you can feel less broken you can like be happy with what you see when you look in the mirror like even if you're broken on the inside you can take pride in what you see when you look in the mirror every day and that could be that could mean surgery for your nose it could mean losing weight even if you're unhappy with what you see when you look in the mirror you can be happy with what your body is capable of when you jump into the ocean that you can swim for a long amount of time you can feel amazing for climbing to the top of a mountain there's absolutely all kinds of stuff you can do and the big paradox here is that as you start doing those things this becomes more likely but this is the really tricky thing is that we can't we're not going to win this game with our mind like we're really not the mind will win all the time so if you keep that as your goal so it's kind of weird but i'd say like very practically when there are too many things that you have to do to accomplish something the mind has a lot of difficulty with motivation and it's just going to feel overwhelmed and procrastinate and you're not wrong in believing that things feel very very far away and so that's why i would say that like you know i agree with you that it's almost reasonable to be hopeless and so this what i'd say is like let go of it right let go of hope doesn't mean you have to be despair but you can let go of rope you could just set that whole thing aside and you can try to think about okay like is my life defined by this one thing because if it is then i can understand why people feel suicidal but the truth is there's more to life than relationships there just is more to life than relationships right if if all life was was relationships everyone who is in a relationship would be perfectly happy but people aren't perfectly happy we've seen posts today about you know people being unhappy at work people being unfulfilled people not following their creative pursuits people being unsatisfied with how you know what their mmr is on an online video game there are all kinds of things in life and so if if relationships are too hard to solve then let it go and start fixing the other stuff and when you're ready a relationship will come you'll be surprised like literally it'll come to you you need to stop chasing it because it's that chasing that sort of like makes you come across as like desperate that is like unattractive to people in the first place right so as you like let go of that stuff and you start focusing on yourself like as you start like just allowing yourself to be this human that you are instead of failing to be that what you want to be people find that attractive that's the huge paradox is that if i try to be something else by definition i'm gonna be insufficient because i'm not there yet and that gap that i feel about myself is gonna be something that other people pick up on and as i let go of that thing and i allow myself to be what i am i embrace who i am you can still work towards things by all means but you can start to say to yourself you know what tired of being 273 pounds and 5 11. so i'm going to go to the gym i'm not going to try to pick up chicks i'm not doing it for them because if you're doing it for them and it doesn't work out the first time that you expend effort and it doesn't you've lost 10 pounds there's a cute girl at the gym you ask her out she says no or you don't even ask her out because this person wouldn't even ask around they'd talk to her but then they'd find that oh like now she's talking to some guy who's more fit than i am suddenly your motivation is the girl and you're not gonna work out because you've lost 10 pounds and like screw it she's talking to this other guy so gigi i'm leaving your motivation is going to disappear you are letting your motivation be determined by the outcomes and whims of another human being like that's that's screwed right so like why do that because i don't want to be alone well with love too bad you are right now and so like learn how to be alone it's another huge thing people don't really understand that like a big part of being in a healthy relationship is learning how to be alone right you have to be like comfortable like if you want to be in a really healthy relationship you need to be like comfortable and happy with yourself because like a relationship makes things harder not easier like like the more grounded you are the easier things are going to be not the harder things are going to be anyway so you know if you fall into the category of feeling that any relationship you're just too far gone in too many dimensions like i know it sounds kind of weird but like you may be and yet that doesn't mean that you have to be hopeless right because at the end of the day like just because your logical analysis is correct doesn't mean that your conclusion has to be that conclusion there's another route and if you feel like unmotivated because there are too many dimensions of your life and you don't know where to start like that's also like completely normal i'm not just saying like your feelings are valid like as if you know your analysis is incorrect and your feelings are all coloring your analysis and you're actually an idiot but you're entitled to your feelings so you know like no like i think your feelings are valid and also your like logical analysis is valid but i don't think it's the complete story and as you start reframing away from that goal which makes any mo any effort useless so if any effort is useless you are not going to be motivated towards anything so you have to start making your effort mean something and how do you ever make your effort mean something you let go of that goal you grieve it you're going to be alone for the rest of your life but you know what this world has more to offer than relationships this is where you say but what can i truly be happy without it i don't know but neither do you because you haven't tried to be happy without a relationship all you've been caught up in is relationship relationship relationships so who the [ __ ] knows so by all means give up hope on the relationship but don't give up hope on life and start working on what you can work on let your goals be small let your goals be insufficient to accomplish that that great great monumental task that is too far out of your reach just let go of it don't try to climb a mountain try to climb one step up right because if you're looking to the top of a mountain i take one step forward it's like literally it looks exactly the same even though technically i'm one step closer it is looks the view is exactly the same you guys could try this go look at a mountain and then take one step towards it and then one step back does the view of the mountain change no it doesn't change at all and this is the the big scam of the mind is that the mind is like so focused on the outcome because that's what you're focused on it's going to destroy your motivation and keep you stuck where you are so let go of the goal and start focusing on yourself like literally like that's the advice right that's what people say people don't know how to do that but this is why you have to focus on yourself you can't can't if you focus on that you're never going to achieve it but there's something you can do for yourself there's something you can take pride in find out what that thing is and move towards it and you'll be surprised where you end up but no guarantees you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 768,637

Keywords: am i too ugly for a girlfriend, am i ugly, doctor k, dr k ugly, dr kanojia, dr.k, drk, dynasties and dystopia, girlfriend, healthy gamer gg, healthygamergg, i am too ugly, i am too ugly for a girlfriend, i am ugly, im ugly, lemoncholy, mental health, psychiatrist, smiling friends, too ugly for a girlfriend, twitch, ugly

Id: zeEZd5IJkx0

Length: 28min 25sec (1705 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 13 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Aromatic_File_5256]

In my case is not that I feel too ugly but I feel too short (5`0") but the issue is basically the same. The timing of this video could not be more perfect for me since I was already thinking of making a similar post but changing ugly for short.

Great way to reframe the problem by changing the goal from "getting into a relationship/getting laid" to a smaller and more direct goal. I am already making a list of things I have always wanted to do to become more attractive and putting next to each item a goal that is more related to my direct benefit without depending on women response to my improvement.

I am still going to make a post about this because there are other elements to my issue but this video already gives me some nice pearls of wisdom :)

[u/MrCherrytheSeal]

I think this is a great video and I resonate with a lot of the sentiments here, even though I'm the wrong target audience for this. Can I request that Dr. K does a similar video to this but for females? There are pressures to look good for males and females both and I was wondering whether Dr K can break down the social expectations for women surrounding beauty standards and dress/make up and also how to deal with them.

Regarding my own struggles, I am "obviously" not an incel because I was married aged 21 and I am also female. But I feel ugly because my parents have told me in various ways that I am ugly all of my life (e.g. pointing out that my eyes are small and monolid, that I am "too dark" and that my legs are fat). I am also Asian living in Western Europe and so a lot of people label me ugly because of my race. However I really resonate with incels and sometimes I feel like I am one of them.

So I guess these kinds of problems are universal, and I guess the point I am making is that no matter whether you're in a relationship or not feeling unattractive doesn't go away automatically. It's a separate issue and somethine else to work on.

[u/Majestic-Persimmon99]

I feel ugly but then I remember that I'm white and that I primarily benefit from being white since women find me more attractive then other races and then I don't feel like ugly anymore.

https://qz.com/149342/the-uncomfortable-racial-preferences-revealed-by-online-dating/