How To Stop Self-Shaming and Overcome Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

hi well it's Dr Fox and in this video I want to talk about how you see yourself in BPD and you may be one of those individuals that has a tendency to engage in self-shaming and self-shaming can sometimes lead to body shaming or some identity disturbance and identity disturbance unstable self-image is really common for individuals with BPD or BPD traits and what drives a lot of these things can be what's called early maladaptive schemas now we're going to talk more about early maladaptive schemas and I'm going to give you a list of a whole bunch of them and I want you to think about it see if this is part of what's related to how you feel about yourself but also how you treat yourself things that you say to yourself that engaging in that self-shaming and what that does is when you engage in that sense of self-shaming believe it or not a lot of folks that are dealing with BPD low self-esteem poor self-concept they engage in self-shaming because says they're fulfilling an internalized pattern that they learned early in life and out of these early experiences you've developed what are called early maladaptive schemas now schemas are ways we see the world and the way we interpret the world maladaptive schemas are negative they're built on negative experiences and negative information early is the early in life part and interestingly human beings we are really quick to develop this blueprint to give us a sense of understanding as to how the world Works how it functions how people are going to treat us so on and so forth and as we get older and if we're along a let's say pathological trajectory a disorder-based trajectory which could be BPD it could be because of families could be because of invalidating environments which I'll do a whole video on invalidating environments and how that can contribute to the development of BPD but here we're talking about early male adaptive schemas and self-shame which can also factor into body shaming as well and we have to look at that okay so here is this tendency to self shame where does that come from early maladaptive schemas could that come from invalidating environments absolutely could it be what Mom Dad brother sister cousin told you were you neglected did you have a sense of Abandonment and these early blueprints that they become solidified over time and in adulthood it can get really really hard to challenge and change them now I want you to hear what I said is that really hard doesn't mean impossible they used to believe that Everest was impossible to climb somebody did it and then other people did it too it's not easy but somebody did it now before we get into breaking this down and we're talking about BPD and self-shaming I want to tell you something that somebody told me today somebody that I admire very much I respect him very much and he told me do you know what the difference between a cow and a buffalo is I don't know I thought it was like going to be a joke you know and what he said was he said you know if a storm's coming a hard rain is coming cows will run and run and run and run to get ahead of it and as they're running they'll become dehydrated some will trip and fall some will get lost some will even pass away die in the process then he said but you know what buffaloes do buffaloes charge the hard rain and when you charge the hard rain it lasts for a shorter period of time and he said I'm a buffalo not me him he himself is a buffalo I'd like to think I'm a buffalo right but what are you BPD is going to tell you that you're a cow no no no be a buffalo you're gonna charge into that hard rain and recognizing looking at early maladaptive schemas pushing back from falling into those old patterns of self-shaming body shaming and we're gonna build a sense of identity that's what this Channel and these videos are all about building that sense of identity clearing that disturbance that identity disturbance that unstable self-image and building that sense of self because that's what this is all about now the research says that those with BPD report higher levels of early maladaptive schemas which we're going to go over in a minute character logical behavioral and body shame and they were more prone to react with anxiety and anger than individuals that did not have BPD now early male adaptive schema domains had specific associations with chronic shame and reaction types to social put-downs that means that when they're put down publicly or by an identified other could be a partner could be co-worker could be a boss could be anybody that there's this greater sense of anxiety shame this negative reaction that is internal and it starts to feed on itself feed on itself feed on itself feed on itself and it grows and grows like a balloon right you keep blowing that air into it and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and that's how it feels inside and those maladaptive schemas those early maladaptive schemas what they do is they are the hot air that's what encourages you to blow into that balloon that's what encourages that negative balloon to grow and get bigger and it becomes a more prominent fixture in your life we're going to try to take some of that hot air out also I want to talk about identity disturbance because I mentioned that earlier now identity is disturbance are often associated with character logical behavioral and body shame now a lot of individuals with epd have body shaming it is connected to the sense of self-shaming absolutely and connected to those early maladaptive schemas because I think that if we look at shaming overall particularly self-shaming body shaming that if we look at underneath we'll see those early male adaptive schemes we'll be able to pull it apart so you know what to challenge and push back on now a lot of folks that follow my channel and write me and they asked me a lot of questions about relationships or loved ones or things of that nature and interestingly with the research shows that stormy relationships really Rocky turbulent very sort of unstable tumultuous relationships you know there's all this this anxiety and anger and rage and and just this intensity that stormy relationships were associated with bodily shame which kind of makes sense right that when you don't feel good about yourself that you become maybe more sensitive more critical not only with yourself but what you think your partner or that important other thinks about you now your early male adaptive schemas add into that because they can feed into what I call a BPD lens but even folks without borderline personality disorder have early male adaptive schemas we're just putting it in the land of BPD and that BPD lens which I talk about in my workbook and that it's that distorted view of self other and your world that can come out of those early maladaptive schemas and body shaming is one of those things that helps to keep your sense of self keep your BPD intact and perpetuated and we don't want to perpetuate it we want to push back on it so much so that maybe we just push it out of the plane right you're on a plane you're flying somewhere great and your BPD keeps getting in the way open the hatch you know push it right at it might have a parachute or not that's not our problem because we're going to get it out of your life that's what this channel is all about lessening that influence so you have more control over it now last chronic shame and anxious and angry reactions to social put-downs are prominent in individuals with BPD and they have been found to be associated with specific early maladaptive schemas and with symptoms of identity disturbance and stormy relationships and that makes total sense because that sense of shame that sense of anxiety and the reaction to feeling put down can build in you so fast right it becomes all often automatic and now you've got to defend yourself right you're like wait did you just put me down you did put me down and that little that's where we call it family in the head we get that from Lorna Smith Benjamin to brilliant psychologist who came up with that term and it's this chorus in your head that's telling you yeah he or she yeah yeah they're making fun of you they're ragging on you they're making you feel small they're picking on you right you need to get them get them and there's this little tiny part because it doesn't have a lot of volume it's a little tiny part and that little tiny part is saying I don't know what if they're not but the other that family in the head is so loud it drowns that out and you hear it and you react on it and you're boom those early maladaptive schemas they feed that they feed that BPD they feed that internalized pattern of maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns right that we talk about so what I want to do now is we're going to get into early maladaptive schemas now there are therapists who Focus specifically on schema therapy and schema therapy is an efficacious treatment for BPD so just so you know all right let's get into identifying those early male adaptive schemas all right schema number one and if you're along that BPD Spectrum you're going to kind of understand this you're going to feel like oh yeah yeah that makes sense is abandonment and instability and this is that perceived in instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection and that makes total sense because that is even one of those classic core content components that I talk about in many of my videos and many of my books and things like that is core content and surface content surface content are all those maladaptive bleats behaviors and patterns such as body shaming self-shaming anxiety right is being overly perhaps overly sensitive or highly sensitive to people's statements and the things that they do or you feel don't do that's all surface content core content is one of those components is abandonment and instability it's that abandonment it's that fear of Abandonment and in my treatment what I do with a lot of my clients is we try to touch on and understand that core content but also recognize when it gets activated and then we implant implant or put in place a adaptive strategy over the maladaptive strategies and that that that's just the first early maladaptive schema which is abandonment let's go on to the second now the second is mistrust and abuse now in this one the expectation that others will hurt abuse humiliate cheat lie manipulate or take advantage of the individual now what this did this early maladaptist human so that's how you see others that's how you see the world and so there's a lot of mistrust perhaps you've experienced abuse which is where that mistrust comes from but you use that lens that feeds that BPD lens that feeds that BPD feeds that self-shaming you could even internalize it to a pattern where perhaps you say to yourself I do deserve that because I don't trust you but I shouldn't be with someone who I respect and Trust because I don't have that sense of self-value and that creates how you see yourself your world and the situations that you get in as well as others let's go on to the next one emotional deprivation now this is the expectation that your desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others now there's three types we've got nurturance empathy and protection and this emotional deprivation is that you feel it's almost like being really dehydrated you're in the desert and you're just thirsty and you can't get it and you just can't get what you need and you're starving and your throat is dry and it's nothing but desert and dust that's how it feels on an emotional level is that you feel that others are not going to emotionally support you which is then attached to your dreams which can then relax attach to how you feel your sense of value which could then encourage a sense of self-shaming body shaming and certainly factors into that sense of unstable self-image because if you have an emotional deprivation emotions are a huge part of being a human being you may not always like them but they're there and even not having emotions is still an emotion if you look at it through that lens right so emotional deprivation is that and there's not just one early maladaptive schema let me be sure that I tell you that that you can have several and most of the people that I do consultations with most of the people that are my clients have multiple early maladaptive schemas but what we do is we attach it to that core content so we can identify where it came from and change from a maladaptive reaction or point of view or perspective to an Adaptive One so let's go on to another early male adaptive schema and this one Falls right into what we're talking about defectiveness and shame now this is where you have a feeling that you're defective you're bad you're unwanted you feel inferior or invalid in important areas or you would be unlovable to significant others if they knew about your defectiveness if they knew about your Brokenness and I think Brokenness is something that a lot of individuals with BPD struggle with it's the sense that I'm not who I should be I'm a broken apart human being that I don't fit in the world but I want you to remember if you have a sense of Brokenness and you feel this sense of defectiveness which is feeding that sense of shame that even broken crayons still color and I think that is an amazing quote and I love that because it is so true let's go on to another early male adaptive schema social isolation and alienation now this is a feeling that you are isolated from the rest of the world you're different from other people and and you're not part of a group or Community this is that sense of being isolated alienated different than everybody else and a lot of my clients with BPD often say yeah I mean I don't I don't fit in I know I don't fit in that they don't really Embrace their sense of uniqueness but I think you should I think that we all have we're all unique on in some level in some way right none of us are cookie cutters even identical twins they may look the same but as they develop they may have similar interests but there are specific things or differences that make them unique they don't live the exact same life as the other twin and it's true for those with BPD or whatever issue you may be contending with that it's about embracing that sense of uniqueness and you know for my clients that had BPD they're very unique in how they see the world and how they interact with them I don't mean that in a negative way I mean that a lot of them are very funeral a lot of them are very creative in how they approach the world and see the world and interact with it so let's go on to the next one dependence and incompetence this is the belief that you are unable to handle your everyday responsibilities in a competent manner without considerable help and immense help from others and what this can be is that you Embrace a sense of helplessness you have this sense of incompetence that you're not able to do it doesn't that sound a little bit like a belief system that would support self-shaming absolutely it would because you're telling yourself that you can't do it such and such has to do it because you're too stupid you're incompetent you're unable to do a b and c it's this self-shaming and self-ridicule that makes you feel less than and you're not that's why we got to challenge these early maladaptive schemas you may have internalized that from that early invalidating environment but as an adult we can control the environment that we're in we can control the things that we do and we can control to the best of our ability the people that are in our life by the choices that we make and that's tough but if you feel a sense of dependence and incompetence it's hard to make those choices because you feel trapped within those relationships as though there's nothing else out there and remember how I said these are connected which can then make you feel like you have a sense of social isolation and alienation so why would you leave this person because then if you leave that person you'll be alone forever and if you're alone forever then you don't really exist and then if you don't exist and the wind blows you're going to blow away and then you'll be invisible and you'll be gone forever and that is a common fear that a lot of folks with BPD experience and believe so the next one is enmeshment in an undeveloped self now this is this excessive emotional involvement in closeness with you and a significant other this can be parents but it can also be a loved one a favorite person whoever that may be and that excessive emotional involvement is at the expense of this full individuation or normal development so because of that excessive attachment and enmeshment you over connect it so you didn't really build a sense of autonomy and without that sense of autonomy it's hard it's hard to make choices on your own it's hard to see yourself as an individual who can make choices for themselves and do what they need to do but in the world that we live in a lot of times we're required to do that but if you hold this particular maladaptive schema it's no wonder that you would self-shame that you would tell yourself what you can't do that you're a loser because you can't do a b and c that nobody will love you because you can't do CD and E whatever it may be and that wasn't supposed to rhyme but it did but you get what I'm saying that it's about how we see ourselves but we have to have a sense of individuation we have to have a sense of Independence where we're making our own choice particularly as it relates to our own mental health now we're going to talk about one more and this is the unrelenting standards and hypercriticalness I see this in a lot of my clients this is that underlying belief that you must strive to meet High internalized standards of behavior and performance to avoid criticism but the problem with that is is that you don't really operationally Define clearly Define what those standards are so you're trying to reach a standard that isn't well defined so you wouldn't know if you got there and then when I say that to a client a lot of times like well I'll know when I get there it's like trying to drive from wherever you are to Disney World and you're going to drive to Disney World but you you're not allowed a map and you're just gonna go but when someone says well don't you need a map how are you going to know like I'll just know when I get there the odds are pretty good either you're never going to get there it's going to take you an exceptionally long time in order to get there and you're going to hit a lot of pitfalls you may run out of gas you may have all kinds of problems along the way because we have to identify where we're going just with those unrelenting standards and those unrelenting standards because they're ill-defined that you engage in that hyper criticalness which could be a form of self-shaming body shaming and it factors in to that unstable self-image and what we need to do is you need to recognize that hypercriticalness you need to recognize that tendency that you have this false sense of perfectionism that you have rigid rules about how things are supposed to go and a preoccupation with time and efficiency and that time and efficiency can be critical because a lot of my clients will say well I'm not getting better fast enough I'm not reaching this goal and you ask them well what's that goal to be better well what does better look like well I don't know just better feel better what would feel better feel like I don't know and if that sounds like a frustrating conversation it often is for many of my clients and it's often hard as a therapist to hear that because it's like this is part of what we're doing what we're working on is working to identify those things in the early maladaptive schemas man they get in our way that's part of it they block our progress I understand that I understand it and that's why we work together against it it is that BPD my clients and I work together against it not my client and it BPD working against me because in those sessions it's really tough it's really tough it's like you know one person don't know you know karate or any kind of fighting style or anything fighting two dudes and it's twice as hard to fight two dudes than it is to fight one dude so why would I engage in a therapy session where instead of two on one right which is me and the client fighting it BPD now instead we're dealing with the client and it BPD against me well I'm gonna probably get my butt kicked and I don't want to be in a session where I get my butt kick so what we do is we bring it to immediacy we bring it to what is going on in the session and that it feels tense it feels like there's this level of resistance or separation between my client and I and we can bring it up because you know what early maladaptive schemas and BPD do not like to be in the light they prefer to hide in the dark where they can fester and grow and poison and that's not what we're about we're about shining a light on it so that you can do it differently and you can learn your early male adaptive schemas and you can overcome them and make those choices to stop self-shaming stop bodily shaming learn more about yourself and develop a stable sense of self so I hope you found this helpful please like share and subscribe and comment too and I'll see you next time thank you bye bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 9,600

Keywords: self-shaming and bpd, bpd and self-shaming, self-shaming, self shaming, bpd and self shaming, self hatred, bpd and self hatred, bpd, borderline personality disorder, mental health, dr fox borderline personality disorder, dr fox splitting, dr fox bpd relationship, dr fox favorite person, dr fox, bpd treatment, shame, shaming, shameful, self talk, negative self talk, depression, self attack, bpd symptoms, symptoms of bpd, bpd episode, mental health awareness, signs of bpd

Id: HJB9O_-6YwI

Length: 22min 32sec (1352 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 21 2023