Why It's Your Fault You Got Ghosted

this is a post essentially about someone who like starts to form a healthy relationship gets overly clingy overly invested and then ends up driving the other person away so why does this happen and how do we get out of this right so i got ghosted now i'm wondering if i know how to be in a healthy relationship so i'm a 30 year old guy who feels like he drives people away i can be while not wanting to be very guarded and secretive i think this stems from a childhood of being bullied by my family for no apparent reason it was a common occurrence to be told by family member by family that i was an embarrassment had the wrong personality was an or a piece of i remember things like being told as a kid to list out loud the people that would come to my hypothetical funeral is a way of proving to me that no one will mourn my death and be accused of lying when i go to spend time with my friends because it was unbelievable that anyone would like me it was hurtful and confusing it felt like relationships were guessing games where i was always the loser i became a loner now i work hard to connect with new people i've noticed that when new relationships don't go well or the way i would like them to i blame myself i think a good example of this is a girl i like that i've been talking to since march when we first started talking it was amazing how quickly we clicked it surprised me we eventually had less time for me as she got busier in her personal life when she started to get busy i got nervous a lot of people have ghosted me so i fearfully and baselessly suspected she was trying to break contact i never addressed these feelings with her though my response was to text her a lot almost as if to remind her i still existed i was stuck in a pattern of wanting to talk to her but then worrying about giving her space or doing something wrong until i would convince myself to text anyway soon my texts grew longer hers shorter this would continue until she suddenly blocked me a couple of days ago friends have been telling me not to blame myself and that i did nothing wrong but shouldn't i blame myself i feel like i drove her away i genuinely really liked her even loved her but i feel like i was stuck in my head never including her i also feel like this relationship was burdened by my slowly obsessing over her without paying enough attention to her as an actual person i feel like i ruined things dr k how can i have healthy relationships with myself and others going forward why do i become guarded and respond obsessive in relationships how do i deal with my surprise when women like me back let's upload this all right so this is a great post so i like this post for a number of reasons the first reason i like this post is because the person who posted is an absolute boss okay so let me compose my thoughts so this is a post about someone who enters into relationships with people is guarded generally speaking had a very traumatic upbringing and then something happens in the relationship where they click right away they get along really well and then as circumstances in life cause the person that they're talking to to kind of pull back they become very very clingy and then like end up driving the other person to block them okay so like if you're if this is a post essentially about someone who like starts to form a healthy relationship gets overly clingy overly invested and then ends up driving the other person away so why does this happen and how do we get out of this right so how do we stop being creepy people that women have to block so the first thing to understand is that this is all about understanding the evolution of your needs throughout a relationship okay so to begin with we have a history of a traumatic upbringing and so like this is one thing one question i would ask for this person is when this person was treated traumatically or abusively what did you how did it make you feel and what did you do okay so this is really important because sometimes when we're treated like abusively like emotionally abusively like my parents and other people we feel responsible for making them feel better and liking us right so like if this person is being mean to me that's not on them that's on me and we see the current of self-blame throughout this kind of thing then something else is interesting is happening is that this person's when they go to their friends right they're saying like hey this situation happened i started texting this person more and more stuff and they weren't responding to me and they blocked me is it my fault and then your friends do what they reassure you and they say no man of course it's not your fault she's a total b word like it's totally like i can't believe she was so cruel to you like you're not doing anything wrong you're doing everything great and this is where i gotta say if people if you find yourself in a in a pattern of like people blocking you maybe you need to take some responsibility and this is why i think this person is an absolute boss because like they're asking this question in a very authentic way right they don't want to continue doing this they're recognizing that there are things going on and that maybe they need to change them so i would actually say that does this blame lie with you at least 50 is what i would say because remember that in any relationship you have a contribution the good news is that the blame does lie with you you also have the power to change things right so you can't have agency without responsibility responsibility doesn't come without agency if it's my respect if i have the power to win then i also have the power to lose and so if i get credit for the win i also have to take credit for the loss so now let's try to understand what's going on here and i think the key thing to understand here is the evolution of internal needs as you get clean gear and cling gear so in the first phase of the relationship you meet someone you all click right away so like you have some emotional needs they're not very powerful at that point because it's early stage in the relationship and on the other end of the relationship they're not really powerful as well like you know you guys are kind of like you're kind of chilling you guys like each other you hang out a little bit it's a low investment relationship that feels really natural and then what starts to happen so like things were fine until this person got busy in their personal life right so the girl that this person is talking to starts to get busy so due to a circumstance in this person's life they start becoming less available now how does the poster respond to this this is where things get really interesting because they start to get anxious and they start to get clingy right they start to like even though in their head they understand that like this person is busier now so they can't text as much as they used to that's not the way that you respond emotionally right you start to get really really anxious you start texting more okay so now you are adding another need into this relationship and i don't know if this is going to make sense but now your anxiety you are actually looking to the other person to fix so when you send a text like a long text what you're looking for is for them to send an equally long text because now you're worried you're like oh what if this person doesn't like me what if they're drifting away let me like do something big in the relationship let me send a big text and if they send a big text back then i will be sued i'll be like oh thank god they really do care about me or if they apologize or they say oh like i've been really busy lately i'm sorry i haven't had time for you like that's going to make you feel good so now you're adding a new need an emotional need into the relationship where you need this person to tell you hey i still want to be your friend hey don't worry about it you're looking for reassurance from that anxiety as this person is starting to pull away and where does that anxiety come from it comes from the fact that people pulled away from you in the past right it comes from the idea that like you haven't you've been taught that you're like not a worthy person that you people don't want to be your friend and so now what happens is when you like grow up in a situation where like literally your parents traumatize you by saying who's going to be at your funeral ain't no one going to be at your funeral because no one wants to be your friend so that some scar that psychological trauma is is carried in your mind so then when this person starts to pull away because of like work-related stuff or other things going on in her life that fear in your mind activates and it's like oh my god i know in my head logically that this person is just busier but what if what my parents told me all along is true that this person that they're i'm not they really don't want to be my friend so to alleviate that anxiety you send a big text right you send a frequent text and and this person i mean this is why i think this person's done a lot of introspection so i want you to look at this when she started to get busy i got nervous so what is the nature of that nervousness a lot of people have ghosted me so i fearfully and baselessly suspected she was trying to break contact this is important it wasn't baseless this isn't baseless right because it's happened to you before you need to often like you need to validate that feeling um and so here's the thing uh so yeah so my response was to text her a lot almost as if to remind her i still existed and this is the key thing that you need to work on because at this point you feel internally that you don't exist in the relationship so you were trying to get her to tell you like hey you exist in this relationship you exist in this relationship right so now your emotional needs are creating a situation where you are asking something of her without her realizing what you're asking because you've never told her so you're looking for a sign from her that you still exist in the relationship but she doesn't know that right so like she now what's happening is you're feeling all these emotional needs like you're feeling like clingy and you're feeling like don't pull away like hey please remember i exist please remember i'm your friend like say something to me and as you put all of those needs into your text messages like empathically between the lines like reading between the lines like there's something like desperate in those text messages she gets confused because she's like what is going on here right and it makes sense because you haven't actually explained to her how you feel you're just like sending these really long text messages that she's not reciprocating and so like then she starts to pull away because she doesn't understand what's going on here because now you've added a layer of needs into the relationship that she's unaware of as she starts to pull away it reinforces everything right so as she pulls away more the anxiety increases you need to remind her even more that you exist because as her responses get shorter you start to disappear in her mind and as you disappear in her mind the anxiety gets worse the need for some kind of response gets worse the reassurance gets worse so then you send even longer text messages and you inject a even more powerful need into the relationship and she gets even more confused because she's like what's going on here like these guys sending me like 14 texts and like what's up with this and so then what she does is send a shorter response and as she sends a shorter response you shrink right you become i you stop to start to fade away out of existence even more and as you feel that fading away the desperation increases hey remember i'm here remember i'm here i'm a person i'm a person i have feelings don't forget about me please please please don't forget about me that's what your texts start to say don't forget about me i exist and she doesn't know what to do with that because that's not actually what you're saying right she's just getting these really long text messages and then she has no choice but to block you so then what happens when she blocks you you get reinforced right oh what my parents said all along is true is that people don't want to be my friend that it's like it's not that i don't deserve friends now another person i've ceased to exist in another person's mind and then your mind will say this is how it's been all along this is the truth of the world you will never exist in anyone's mind right that's what it tells you in those dark moments it's something it's the the voice in your head that you carry with you that now has been reinforced and then you go to your friends and you say hey what's going on here and your friends say oh don't worry about it it's no big deal it's on her it has nothing to do with you you're great you're an awesome person we like you and so that can be very reassuring in some way but you have to remember that if this pattern is repeating in your life there's a reason it's repeating right like there's a reason there's something going on that you're injecting into these relationships where people are ghosting you and i suspect the main thing that you're injecting is this anxiety this fear that people are are like going away and this person even kind of says it where they kind of say you know um i i get stuck in my own head and this is where the relationship falls apart because a relationship is between two people and if you get stuck in your own head you're like playing your own tune right it's like imagine you're like trying to dance with someone and there's like music playing but then you've got headphones that's playing a different song and so you guys are trying to dance in rhythm and they're playing to like the music that's playing and like they're listening to some waltz okay because you're at a wedding and then you've got like headphones on and you're listening to tupac and like the the kind of dancing that you're going to be doing to the music in your own head is something that they can't dance to because they don't hear it so the more you get stuck in your own head like you're no longer in a relationship right because you're you're engaging in this relationship with like operating from your own thinking and if you don't communicate with her then the other person doesn't understand what you're listening to they just see you like convulsing on the dance floor and they're like i don't know how to dance with this person and so then they step off the dance floor so are there things that you can do about it absolutely the first thing is like understand when the music starts playing in your head because if you look at this relationship they're saying at the beginning everything's fine right so at the beginning we're both dancing the same music and then she starts to get busy at work and then you're like ah your brain is like i remember this she's busy at work let me put the headphones on and let me start listening to something else okay and then you get stuck in your own head and then you're operating from that space you're doing all this work and then you separate from her right so she's over here you guys are together and then you start getting in your own head but like she doesn't understand what's going on here so like you start to deviate off this way and then she's kind of going this way and then it's like then the relationship falls apart so if you want to be successful in a situation like this the first thing to understand is what are the emotions that arise as this stuff happens and more importantly as these emotions arise how do they influence your behavior because if you're being driven by emotions to do particular things and they are not on the same wavelength they're going to be taken aback by what you're doing and they're not going to know how to interact with you because now you're dancing to your own tune and they're like trying to dance with you and it's like hey we used to be dancing and now you're kind of like dancing on your own i'm confused how do i participate in this relationship and then since people don't know how to have healthy conversations right so like you know the right thing for her to do in that situation is hey like you're sending me all these text messages like what's going on like help me understand what's going on like you know like what like you seem anxious to me so ideally she would be able to prompt the conversation but instead what we do is we just ghost people because that's like what happens nowadays right so are you somewhat responsible if you're in this situation i'd say yes i think it's time to take responsibility are you to blame no so i don't blame you for it i don't think you're a bad person i don't think it's like in a sense or i'd say it's is it your fault sort of but i think it's absolutely excusable because your brain has been programmed in a particular way you have these fundamental needs that have never been met that allows you to be secure in a relationship because this person can't tolerate someone else pulling away from the relationship even for things that have nothing to do with the relationship like real life getting in the way work getting busy so when someone else pulls away you can't tolerate that anxiety you can't tolerate that distance and when you can't tolerate the anxiety it causes you to change your behavior and when you change your behavior now you're you're dancing to your own tune so all the messages are operating from like a place inside your head which the other person isn't aware of so they're like they get freaked f out and then they start to pull away and then they end up ghosting so i'd say first understand as these feelings arise what are you afraid of what's going on why do you feel like you have to text her why do you why does she need to know that you exist because that's the key thing what is it like to feel like you don't exist anymore in this person's life and process those feelings because as you process those feelings and you reduce the fuel in that fire then the behaviors will naturally go away right you have to remove the emotional energy that that leads to the clingy behaviors it's not sufficient to just not text because then what'll happen is if you force yourself to not not text you'll force yourself to not text and then it'll be a tension in you it'll start to build up don't text don't text don't text don't text don't text and then it'll reach a cresting point and then you won't be able to control it then it's going to be like it's like a release where you're like you have to text you can't control it oh i have to text and then you feel like oh thank god okay like notice me now notice me i can't control myself notice me and then she's like what's what's happening here you're doing all this you're dancing this whole opera in your head and she doesn't know how to keep up and so then she withdraws so understand the emotions that arise first and foremost and work on those emotions work on those needs understand what your emotional needs are in the relationship and how they evolve and the only way that a successful relationship is going to work is when your emotional needs can be at least understood by the other person and then hopefully if you're lucky that person is willing to meet you halfway and try to do what they can for your emotional needs great post so then someone else is saying how do you handle when she is really leaving you let her go right so this is hard but someone's asking how do you handle when she's really leaving the answer is simple you let her go and this is the key thing what makes it hard to let her go because we assume that the reason she's leaving is because of us whereas the truth is is that most people in life when they part ways they do so because of a thousand reasons that have nothing to do with you right if you think about like you know the friends that i had in high school why am i not friends with most of them anymore it's because of circumstance i went to high school then i went to college in a different city and then i went to medical school in a different state and then i did residency in the in the same state but people went their separate ways and so i entered people's lives and then i left people's lives and that has it has nothing to do with them because that's that's what life is right life is like a meeting of like different it's moments in time where you connect with another human being and for some people those moments are short and for some people those moments are long and you have to understand that like not everything in the world people leaving your life may not have anything to do with you and even in the sense if it does have to something to do with you that's okay too because even if someone says hey i don't think we're compatible like that's okay right you're not going to be compatible with every person on the planet you're not going to be compatible with every person that you date that's the reason that you date and you let people go their way and you go your way because at the end of the day if someone wants to leave you let them what are you going to do like pin them down and like force them into a relationship with you you deserve a better relationship with that the relationship that you want is one where someone wants to be with you and feels comfortable being with you that's what you really deserve is a real relationship so it's tough yeah i like you on netflix i think it's great i'm on season two right now okay so do we need shorter text messages absolutely right so like don't i don't know how like you can't expect someone to keep up with all of the stuff that you're doing in your head no relationship is gonna work like that right when you're like working through bunches of anxiety there's tons of anxieties floating out there you try to communicate with someone over text like they're not gonna like they're operating with like 10 of the information where your text is coming from so that's not going to work so you have to let people know like you either have to process the crap in your head so that you're kind of back on the same page with them or you need to let them know where you are so that you give them the opportunity to like catch up to you and the more you progress up here like the more you build castles in the sky or read into relationships or like think that the relationship is more than it is check out only fans for example the more blind side of the other person is going to be like how is someone supposed to participate in a relationship where you've advanced at 10 000 years in your head yeah so someone saying someone is saying i can't avoid being so attached because i can't make friends absolutely right so that's the same as this post that's why i shared and i thought it was a great post because because it is the inability to make friends that makes every potential friend so much more attached you get so attached to everyone and it's the fact that you get so attached to them that you kind of drive them away and so you're kind of stuck in this loop of like i have no friends and therefore anytime i have the possibility of a friend i put too much on them because you take all that luggage from the past and you dump it into this relationship and when you dump it on then it's too much for them to handle so then they leave and then they when they leave they leave you a piece of luggage too so now you've got one more piece of luggage and then the next person comes along and you dump 10 pieces of luggage on them and it's like too much for them to handle they're like i can't carry all this stuff and then they leave and then you have 11 pieces of luggage so it's really hard don't get me wrong it's very hard and so that's where i think the solution is to like on like let go of the luggage right like you have to work through that stuff you have to work through what's it like being alone year after year after year what's it like engaging in relationship after relationship after a relationship so it's an infinite loop only if that's the loop that you keep doing remember there are other things that you can do you can offload the luggage right you can see a therapist you can work with a coach i think group coaching is a really good avenue for this kind of thing because it's like an opportunity for people to form relationships with each other that have very good strict boundaries so it's like a way to practice talking to each other communicating your feelings like it's like how to make friends one-on-one because in group we don't let you be friends so we're gonna teach you all of these skills and as you start to as you bring luggage into the relationship and you want to play games with someone we're going to say no no you're not allowed to do that instead of playing games with them because you feel connected talk about how you want to play games with them vocalize your feelings understand what's going on on the inside right bring all your luggage by all means toss it our way we're ready to take it but we're not going to give in to it we're not going to give you the relationship that you want to what we're going to do is help you unburden yourself of the luggage so i think group coaching is very good for this so if you guys have this problem of being lonely and like driving people away and like having difficulty interacting with other human beings group coaching is literally it's like 12 weeks of training about like how to interact with other human beings how to listen how to be heard how to vocalize your feelings how to connect with other people how to understand yourself how to understand other people how to step aside from your own biases and really listen to someone else you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 186,587

Rating: 4.9504929 out of 5

Keywords: doctor k, dr k ghosted, dr k ghosting, dr kanojia, dr.k, drk, ghosted, ghosting, healthy gamer gg, healthygamergg, mental health, psychiatrist, twitch, why its your fault you got ghosted

Id: tvpDLpCf1jU

Length: 25min 10sec (1510 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 27 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/moses300212]

Dr K is manipulating the narrative, she's stonewalling him. I'll send him 2349782479274912749812749812749178348129471298487 articles about it, he'll come around.

[u/rememberthesunwell]

DAMN HIS FIRST FEW WORDS ARE IT DOG hahahaha

[u/Locoleos]

Yeah I was just thinking about how this incel wrangling video is probably the closest he'll get to obliquely addressing the drama. For sure a stream is never gonna happen.