Fear of Failure, Overanalyzing, and Escaping into Fantasy | Dr. K Interviews

yeah man so and and what do you go by friend um azrael's fine okay and so what yeah welcome sorry this is this is really confusing because there's like a a delay um delay on stream yeah it's well you should talk to me on discord don't talk don't listen to what i'm saying on stream right so close the close the stream yeah there we go that's better yeah i'm sorry i'm new to this yep that's okay man me and you both i've been doing a little bit longer than you but it's okay to be new to it yeah all right um sorry where were we i was just i i mean we weren't really anywhere we were just starting all right so asriel tell me a little bit thank you for coming on um tell me a little bit about you know what motivated you to to come on stream today so i've been wanting to come on stream for a while now i think i've been trying for six months or so but oh wow well i'm glad you're here today yeah i think i just wanted to share my story and um i don't know get support and all that sure um and yeah i want to talk about over analysis and fear of failure and i also have social anxiety and all that fun stuff yep um so yeah can you tell us your story yeah so um i guess this year was my second year at university and so it didn't start off great i sort of took on more than i can handle and i can say that how i dealt with it wasn't very good for my mental health um so i had a lot of courses i had a lot of work to do and all that and i started getting depressed um i wasn't performing as well and so like i it was getting sort of difficult so i started like oh shoot you can't do some simple homework like gotta get on this and started beating myself up about it calling myself a failure and like um started getting afraid it's like oh shoot what if i can't do this and uh it all sort of spiraled downhill from there i think i met you in december was when i started watching your streams and i've been making progress since then um i changed majors because i found that the one i was doing sort of felt meaningless purposeless in a way it's like why am i even doing this and so yeah i just sort of dropped everything and changed pictures okay and i think um i have a lot of fear of failure because it's like i sort of can't mess this up like if i mess up university then i mess up my life pretty much and it's like that for a lot of things um what else are you afraid of messing up so i tried getting a job this summer um i applied for a few places and like i sort of gave up pretty quickly and like even if they hired me like who's gonna want me working for them like i'm just gonna disappoint them and all that um i don't know i felt like a pretty big failure and sort of just sort of hid in my room for most this year barely going outside or anything just playing games and what are you playing um so i play minecraft i play starblast.io which is an internet browser game uh kerbal space program cool stuff i i think those are my main games [Music] cool so and and so uh i'm sorry i didn't mean to interrupt your float you were telling a really great narrative um so you were saying you're afraid of you tried to get a job this summer um it was kind of hard to even kind of apply and stuff because you were concerned that people wouldn't even want to hire you anyway so you kind of gave up a little bit easily yeah yeah i hardly felt in the state to like have a job and um okay i think it's like that for a lot of things actually like what um so there's the job um i i'm supposed to be um going to a dentist which i haven't really done i think i need to update my health card and i don't know i just have trouble talking to people especially over the phone and getting that all set up and i have i'm afraid of talking to my family because i haven't really been completely honest with them with what was happening um what is it that they don't know so they know that this year was particularly hard for me they don't know that i failed my degree and um they do know that i switched majors and my dad isn't particularly happy about that um he doesn't think i'll be able to do physics which is what i switched to and what did you switch from i switched from marine biology okay so he doesn't think you're gonna be able to do physics yeah which is fair because physics is pretty hard right sure does your dad is your dad disappointed in you um i it's hard to tell i know if i told him everything that maybe he would be i think he is a little yeah okay and so it sounds to me like you're afraid of telling people things because yeah they may be disappointed if they knew everything yeah if they saw the real you yeah so do you feel like you try to hide who you really are yeah i think so um i've been working on my mental health this summer and i've been opening up a little more but mainly just online i don't trust anyone in real life with anything okay what about like a mental health provider like a therapist um i looked into that but they only have over the phone appointments because of kovit and again i have a fear of talking on the phone much rather go there in person do they not do like video chat they should do video chat they do like phone phone like boomer phone i think so i haven't looked into it that much because most providers are shifting to tele health which usually involves video nowadays okay but just something to think about um okay and so i'm not hearing anything so i'm hearing about fear of failure i'm getting the sense that you feel like you're inevitably gonna disappoint people yeah are you disappointed in yourself i think um considering everything that has happened in my past and everything i think i was sort of destined to fail like there was definitely warning signs early on and i didn't really know better but i think it was something that was bound to happen just because i didn't really know what was going on wha what do you mean warning signs what were your warning signs so even before second year like i've been sort of ignoring problems um i know in high school i had this fear of death which um i think that sort of what happened was so my brother went off to university um and i was in grade nine and then i was sort of left on my own to figure out life and i don't know my brother was a big part of my life and so everything sort of felt pointless and meaningless after that and i started to like question why am i even here and all that i think part of that was trying to navigate the family situation at home because my parents are divorced and it's sort of like a week on week off thing where i switch houses and my mother found someone else to live with who has a drinking problem and an anger problem which don't go well together so i think that's where my um where i started getting addicted to video games because it was an easy escape sure and what i think all that added up to what happened this year so you feel destined to fail yeah also sounds like your brother was a really stabilizing influence in your life yeah i'd say that it's hard to lose someone like that especially at such a formative time of your life like ninth grade when did your mom start living with this other person probably when i was seven or eight okay so that sounds like that's been in your life for most of what you can remember yeah okay my parents i remember when my parents divorced i was going into grade four my dad was driving me to school and they're like sorry you're not registered with the school anymore apparently my mom had just like switch schools without telling anyone and so it's like oh i'm at a new school now that feel i was frustrating i i didn't understand like her reasoning why she didn't tell anyone and it's like i don't know it's yeah my life's been pretty chaotic i'd say yeah i was kind of thinking that it it seems to me like your life isn't really something that you have a whole lot of control over no not really yeah it sounds to me like you're getting pushed around by events in life like your parents divorce who your mom chooses to live with your brother leaving and and so it sounds tough it it feels to me like you may be feeling or it seems to me like maybe you're feeling powerless yeah i think so a little it's like i don't know what to do anymore yep and um so one of the things was like i know probably around like grade 10 or so when i was dealing with all this on my own i'm like yeah i will um i sort of made a promise to myself that i would despite how bad things would get i would never consider suicide as an option so i think that's helped and um sort of at grade 12 i was really anxious to get out of there really anxious to go off to university and live on my own so i could just escape it all what were you escaping everything really the whole situation at home and everything that's been going on um switching back and forth between houses um sort of means that everything that i own has to sort of fit in a backpack so i can carry it with me where i go um escaping [Music] you know the verbal the anger and stuff of my stepfather um my mother tends to be over controlling she likes to do everything for me and i wanted to escape that as well so yeah sort of everything wow that's a lot bro that's a little do you really feel that way or are you just making a joke i i don't think it's as much as some people go through okay so what does that mean for you some people have it worse than you do yeah so i think despite everything that happened i should have still been able to find a way through and i shouldn't have ended up where i was where i am sort of thing where should have you ended up um should i pass this year at university um and i don't know i should have just been destined for success i was supposed to be successful and what got in the way [Music] um shitty life syndrome i guess um i felt very lonely and isolated this year which didn't help and i never talked to anyone about how i was feeling or what i was going through because i was afraid of how they would um judge me for it and like they'd brush it off and say oh it's nothing just keep going like you'll get over it have people told you that before uh i think my dad tends to um he's not very emotional um i mean he is sometimes but like it's like you just gotta do it and like ignore what you're feeling just do it right yep and he was always pushing for my independence and all that being successful yep so and and where is your brother throughout all this uh he's in university he's i think he graduated last year with a degree in software engineering and i also have a sister she's off in alberta she got married she has just had a baby this summer and she's doing pretty good she's an accountant and then there's me and i failed yeah so it so it feels right and so also practically it sounds like you actually failed some coursework yeah i stopped doing my assignments okay so asriel i'm gonna point out a couple of things and i'd love to ask you a few more questions is that okay yeah so i see something that really confuses me so earlier so recently you said that you were supposed to be successful you were destined for success but that something got in the way yeah right but earlier when we we when we were talking to you also said like when you applied for a job you were just going to disappointment disappoint them even if you got the job and that you were destined to fail like i asked you you know like what do you think about your current situation you were like well now that i look back on it i saw that like my failure was actually inevitable and started many years ago so i'm just i'm going to point out to you and we'll explore this that there's yeah decide what was that what did you just feel what is it like hearing me point that out to you um i i think i'm still a little nervous for being on stream and um i i'm just confused like my thoughts are crazy yep i can imagine that and that's what i'm pointing out to you is that i'm seeing a lot of conflicting thoughts because on the one hand asriel was supposed to succeed and everything was supposed to work out and on the other hand you sure got [ __ ] in life yeah and what are you feeling now powerless yeah hopeless and so here's what i'm seeing asriel it wasn't supposed to be this way this was the life you were supposed to live this life and then something happened and then that life is now completely gone and now you've shifted into this other life and now this is what your future is and every step you take on the road towards failure reminds you that the road towards success is getting further and further away yeah what does that feel like i don't know um i don't know about it it's like i i'm trying sort of everything to try and recover and get back where i was um i'm trying to avoid that road as much as possible can you maybe if i try hard enough okay that's a good answer maybe is actually the right answer i don't know is also acceptable so i think what i'm hearing the first thing that i want to point out asriel is that you have a deterministic view of life destined to fail or destined to succeed it's not how life works bro right life is a maybe okay right like you just can't because like you were destined to succeed and then what happened i failed right so like that the idea of destiny in and of itself is false because like clearly it's not true what do you think about that um [Music] i i i don't know that's sort of one of the debates i've been having is like you know is is are things destined to happen or do i have a choice and it's like well i make the choice based on what i have to deal with right now and it's like i'm doing the best i can so and yet i am still failing so part of it seems like destiny okay sure um and so let me ask you a question so if you were destined to succeed and you ended up failing is it possible to be destined to fail and end up succeeding does it go both ways i hope so i hope so too right but that's like it's interesting because if we want to be scientific about it and if things were destined and then you ended up failing like maybe even though you're hurtling towards failure a hundred percent i actually think you should you could be okay like i'm not kidding what do you think about that i think i could be too um but it's gonna take a lot of work for sure yeah i think it'll take work i also think that it's gonna take more than work what do you think about that what more is there than work luck my bro that's true um i i don't i don't know if i really i don't know how i feel about luck good when you say i don't know how i feel about luck what does that mean because like if it's just luck then why am i able to influence things okay so so there's an important word there if it's just luck yeah so it's not just slack it's not just luck but it's also not just you right so i think this is the hard thing about life is that we're in control of our actions but we're not in control of the results of our actions i can pick up i can pick up the phone and i can talk to someone i can talk to my parents about how i failed this class i'm not in control of how they respond yeah yeah that's true and how does it feel to not be in control of how they respond it's it's hard because i want to make them understand but i can't yeah so so that too you can't make them understand but you also can't make them not understand like that understanding is not determined by you you can talk to them right but there's no guarantee that they're going to understand so what is it like to pick up the phone and tell someone that you failed the correct answer is it's [ __ ] terrifying yes that is the right answer okay right and that's what you feel so now asriel the question that we get to is like how do you as a human being act in the face of complete terror i hide in my room which is also the correct answer this is where there's a part of you that's going to want to say i overcome it with strength and internal fortitude no that's not what happens when we face abject terror we get our asses kicked that's what happens man it crushes us yeah and then you wind up where you are now which is in your room playing minecraft all day avoiding your responsibilities and being crushed by terror yeah now comes the next question is that okay now incorrect what do you think about that i i feel like despite everything that's going on i should be able to do something and i shouldn't be hiding in my room so when you say um when you say this is the right thing to do i don't understand that good that's what we're here for right so like so is it the right thing to do no is it the expected thing to do absolutely can we blame you for doing it absolutely i mean sorry like not really right like we can't you know like in a sense like i don't blame you for responding the way that you have does that make sense yeah like it's understandable and i think we've got to start there right so i think one of the biggest things about taking control of your life asriel is starting where you're at instead of where you should be think about this with me for a second okay we live our lives and we come up with solutions for our life based on where we should be not where we are and then we're confused when it doesn't work and it's like man you know i i can't even come up with an analogy but do you see how ridiculous that is yeah it's like i should be able to fly like a bird so i'm gonna flap my wings and like then i get upset with myself for not being able to fly right it's crazy because you keep on talking about what you should be like you should be able to overcome that fear well like if you were a dude who could overcome that fear then you would have done it by now so okay you can't overcome fear here's the wild thing is i think that you can still be successful as long as you acknowledge that you're [ __ ] up in some way all right right because then at least like you know what you're playing it's sort of like you know like i don't know like i don't know if you've ever played dark souls but like you know i kind of think about there's a class in dark souls called deprived which is like you start the game naked with a club and if you think like you can also start the game in like chainmail armor with a sword and shield and then you can play dark souls like pretending that you have a sword and shield and armor and then you're gonna lose but if you like start with the get-go which is like i'm a naked dude with a club you can actually play the game but you just have to like accept that you've got a club instead of like armor and a sword you can accept that something about the way that you were raised and we're gonna get into this has made it hard for you to be confident in yourself and have faith in yourself that i don't think is your fault so no wonder like you don't have like so you say i'm just going to disappoint them like where the [ __ ] what what do you base that on um past experience um exactly right but here's the thing i don't know if you know this but when human beings are born it's not like natural that they believe that they're inevitably going to disappoint people like people have done studies on the brain and there's no like i'm going to disappoint everyone in life center of the brain we're taught that we're going to disappoint people so the beliefs that you have about yourself are very reasonable even if they're wrong what do you think about that think that makes sense i don't think they're wrong yep i know that you and they're they they're not wrong for you right because you're not a dumb guy and why do you believe the things that you believe because i learned them absolutely because of past experience now here's the thing does past experience determine future experience now you sure about that um yeah i guess it could it depends like if it's the same person then yes but if it's a different person then things are could be different okay are you the same person you were yesterday no okay so right so that's kind of interesting because what you're shaking like what you're doing there if i were to accept your answers what you seem to be suggesting to me is that you do have some limited control over your future yeah how does that sit with you yeah that makes sense okay so now we get to the important question is it enough well i'm figuring that out now because with everything i'm trying i hope it's enough that also is the right answer so there's a subtle shift in your language asriel and i'm optimistic for you by the way and is like you you started out by saying i'm just going to disappoint them i'm destined to fail i'm destined to be successful i'm supposed to be this i should be this right yeah and and then the question becomes like like so those are very deterministic statements they're black and white thinking and now what you're saying is like maybe or i hope do you usually think thoughts like that hold on a second there seemed to be like a thousand people getting messages deleted i don't understand anyway um what what do you think about i'm gonna just realize that what do you think about like you know like shades of grey statements versus deterministic like do you usually think in in terms of like this is going to happen um uh not entirely it's sort of like i have no clue what will happen but i think it's gonna be bad okay right so that makes sense because it sounds like there have been times in your life where you weren't sure what was gonna happen and what usually happened was bad so that's a reasonable thing to expect right so now if it's okay i'm going to ask you a couple questions about your your life and your upbringing so um so i'm going to just run through like what i understood your story to be actually before we do that can i ask you so i understand that over analyzing is part of the like what you wanted to talk about today i'm not hearing any sort of over analysis so far can you tell us about that i think i think that's um sort of like like what we were just talking about where it's like i'm uncertain what will happen but i know it will be bad and i can analyze that in like so many different ways as oh this could happen this could happen this could happen this could happen i'm gonna have to think about this more before i take action it's like and like in all the bad things that can happen i can only have one good outcome which is that it succeeds and the bad outweighs the good in most cases yep right so let's let's look at that because that's fascinating so what i'm hearing you say is that the more you analyze does that make it easier for you to act or harder for you to act harder and generally speaking when we think about analyzing a problem what is the goal of analysis to come to a solution so that you can act absolutely accordingly which is weird right so the reason that we like use our head is to figure out how to do things and yet somehow the more you think the harder it becomes to do things yeah and so what do you think about that i think i think that's how i was raised is um there's only one good outcome in the restaurant bed and like i i gotta make the right decisions or i'm gonna mess up and things are gonna be bad um can you tell us what you mean by that's how i was raised like if i didn't get do my homework then i was gonna get in trouble if i didn't ask my stepfather if he needed help then he was gonna get angry at dinner if i don't know if if i left my room when he was in one of his bad moods i was likely to get in trouble and what is getting in trouble look like well he sort of gets um angry right and he he takes it out on me because it's like oh this is your fault somehow funds a way to blame me for it um and i try all that i can to try and stop stop that from happening um but it's not physical it's only verbal so and then in the beginning my mother sort of supported him but i think near the end i started to become more vocal about like this isn't right i sort of started to stand up for myself and i think near the end things were starting to change um i know he started seeking help for his problems a little um [Music] yeah how do you feel about that it's hard because when my brother was there it's like oh we can get through this together but when it's just me it's like oh i have to figure this out on my own what do i do it was hard but i think like i understand that he was going through his own problems but doesn't make it right yeah i mean you know in a bizarre way asriel i feel sadder for you now because it's like now he's on the journey of self-discovery and improvement and like that [ __ ] needed to happen way earlier and you started standing up for yourself and then like you know you needed someone to do that for you when you were young it sounds to me like too little too late which is almost worse than like nothing at all maybe we got there in the end i guess so what still [ __ ] you up before he got there sure asriel i'm not getting much anger from you no i'm not an angry person i tend to sympathize with others even if they've done me wrong yeah what do you think about that i think that's just because i can always see their side of the story and it's i understand that there are going through their own troubles and what does it do to your hurt when you can see their side of the story well it takes the blame off of me a little i guess sure it means that i can sort of find ways of helping them so that because if i help them then maybe they'll stop okay i'm gonna need a second to think is that okay sure so that makes a lot of sense to me asriel and it's just so [ __ ] up i want you to listen to what you're saying okay i'm going to repeat it back to you you have an abusive stepfather and you try to understand him and the conclusion that you come to is that if you can help him because he needs help then you'll feel better whereas like that's not really where like it's not on you yeah right and and so i get what you mean about sort of deflecting blame i think the interesting thing is that the other person that you're protecting by doing that what you also do is you like prevent yourself from blaming them yeah so one last psychological point i want to make or one kind of psychological point that i want to make is that some people believe that depression is anger turned against the self that that describes my experience pretty well yeah okay so here's what i think could be going on with you because i think you have so when someone grows up in an abusive household and when their step parent is abusive and their actual parent is even supportive of it how much anger do you think that that person should feel they should be frustrated that's the understatement of the year my friend right like how fair is that like your mom should be protecting you again i understand why she wasn't because she herself was a little afraid too yup and i understand that you understand that which is cool and at the same time she should have been protecting you and i'm not talking about blaming her or things like that in your particular case i want you to think about this like other people like when you have a step parent who's abusive towards a child what is the parent supposed to do you're supposed to step in absolutely right so and i i know that you're going to have your mind is going to generate certain thoughts like you're going to want to get go ahead and give me the counterpoint when you said that you wanted to say something else right and explain things and protect her go ahead protect her well i think she herself was also um a victim of it too um i think she was doing the best that she could um maybe she didn't understand the situation as well sure yeah all those things are fair i'm not trying to demonize your mom do you feel like we're beating up your mom asking if you feel that way no okay i don't think so because it's not it's genuinely not my intention so now the question becomes if someone like you know if someone grows up in that situation like sure i understand that you are understanding but i think that what's going on is you're accumulating anger you're not sending it towards them you're just accumulating it and then where does it go i push it down pretend it doesn't exist and then it bursts out in second year university how so what is it target because it's energy it's got to go somewhere targets me absolutely gotta go somewhere right so like now this is how emotions work if i win the lottery i'm filled with joy and then what do i do i spread it around it's got to go somewhere i can't contain it it's got to go somewhere and in your case filled with anger doesn't have anywhere to go got to keep it inside and then now left feel it no of course you don't what it feels like is depression you don't think that i'm just going to disappoint them is you being an [ __ ] to yourself yeah it is there it is it just feels different you've gotten so good at not feeling anger you don't even know what it looks like anymore my dude you are in an abusive relationship with yourself yep right and that's like really sad and it's it's like why why are you that way with your song um i blame myself for everything because there's always something i could have done differently and maybe it would have worked yep right so right so that's the thought process that's the content of your mind i'm asking why does your mind think in that way and it's because you were taught that things are your fault right like your stepdad was like it's your fault i'm angry everything in the world is whose fault asriel mine absolutely right so then like like we asked the question why do you blame yourself it's because those are the rules of the game if you log on to the game of life and you're playing this game with minecraft where you're asriel and then something burns down halfway across the world and then everyone on the server is like [ __ ] that guy asriel and it's so [ __ ] up my dude but we see this a lot right like we see like you know like i'm gonna just give you an example of another abusive relationship so let's say there's like a husband and wife and like the husband is physically abusive and i've dealt with this a lot and then the wife like i talked to the wife and she's like yeah he hit me and then i was like oh like tell me about that she's like well it's because you know like i didn't have dinner ready on time and if i had dinner ready on time he wouldn't have hit me which is true right and like it it's true but it's also [ __ ] up it doesn't make it okay even if it's true and i think the problem that i'm seeing in you is that like there's a lot of truth in your mind of things which i think unfortunately you're a smart guy like if you were stupider i could convince you that you were wrong but i think that you learned and this is what happens when kids grow up right like this is a survival mechanism if i have a dog that i'm physically abusive to the dog learns how to not get hit and you learned because he sure as hell isn't taking any of the blame in the relationship and your mom is also reinforcing like whose fault is it that he's mean to you it's mine right and generally speaking she's supposed to tell you the opposite and so you've learned that everything is your fault even things that aren't your fault and then let me ask you something what is a kid who feels like things that are not their fault are their fault how do they think about their ability to control the future um they think that they can control everything and if something doesn't happen correctly it's their fault yep it's bizarre right and that's what we see in you you feel like you have perfect control all of the responsibility actually it's not control i'm going to use the word responsibility you feel like you are responsible for controlling your future and at the same time you feel powerless and why do you feel powerless because deep down you recognize that you actually don't control your stepdad right so that kid is conflicted because everyone is telling him you are in control of the situation but then there are horrible truths that you can't control your stepdad's behavior and it's this core conflict of like i'm in control but i'm actually powerless does that make sense yeah is that how you feel yeah it's like i'm powerless now but if i work a little harder i'll be in control yeah right so like if you had asked your dad for help then then you'll be okay and so so it's interesting because subtly and i i think you're right there that like you have this idea that if you do something that something will happen but i think unfortunately as you've learned you can't really control what's gonna happen and what i'm hearing you actually try to do and and this may be a bit abstract you're trying to shift your life back into the world of [ __ ] like this is the way your life should be and if you could just get back on that track then everything's gonna be fine that's what i feel from you it's like i just need to board that train and then the train will take me where i need to go you're living in fantasy it's not how it works man it's sad all right huh i i think that could be true yeah what makes you think that could be true i tend to um i tend to fantasize a lot i'm a big dreamer i like to dream of the future and even if it's not relating to me i like to think of you know epic space battles and civilizations on the edge of the universe and all that that's cool man it is so it sounds like you're familiar with fantasy are you familiar with hope [Music] not so much right and i think here's the problem is that fantasy doesn't actually help us move forward what do you think about that i i disagree okay because like it's like this is where i want to go which is the fantasy and it's like all right how do i get there and then i can plan it out and hopefully go in the direction i want okay so that's i i stand corrected i concede the point so when you plan it out does it help you get there yes i think so now i'm really confused because this doesn't sound to me like someone who's destined to fail help me help me understand are you destined to fail no are you just saying that because that's the right answer or do you actually believe that because this is like healthy gamer dr k and i'm supposed to be inspirational no i i don't i don't think i'm destined to fail but in order to succeed i would need to work really hard for it okay and what do you need to work really hard towards getting my life back where it was getting back on the success train okay so i think that's the wrong answer so here's why i think the success train is an illusion it's it's wishing you had chain mail and a sword right so i understand i i think you can be successful but i think like instead of chasing that fantasy of the success train i think it's like way dirtier than that there's something about that that seems like very clean and beautiful and alluring to me i think there's absolutely hope and i think i absolutely see success in your future i just think it's gonna be like messier than you or that i'm getting from you now maybe i like to think that everything will just work out but that's not the case obviously yeah so that can be a comforting thought asriel and now i think we get into like some really nuanced territory where i don't think that everything is just going to work out i think you can build the life that you want to and if you're studying physics because you want to discover extraterrestrial life one day i'd say [ __ ] dude go for it you know and and like you're interested in science fiction and understanding like how the universe works and like the frontiers of like space travel and all that kind of i'd say go for it man i just think it's gonna be messy yeah and i don't think that that's necessarily bad okay right because i i think what you're doing and now we're going to kind of go back to some of your like psychological patterns because what you're always doing is looking for the perfect solution because let me tell you why you think you have a fear of failure and the reason that you think is to get rid of the fear of failure because if you can find that perfect solution where there's no chance of failure then do you need to have fear you know that's what you try to do right you try to remove fear through thinking agreed yep and that's a perfect solution there it is again do you see the fantasy of that if i can find that magical road then i don't have to deal with the fear it's so clean and it's so beautiful and i can figure out the perfect thing to say and then i can pick up the phone and i can talk to someone all i need to know to pick up the phone and talk to someone is i have to figure out what's the perfect thing to say yeah because that's what you do man you look for it like how can i tell my dad that i failed and how can i phrase it so that he doesn't judge me it's the magical train how do i board that train if i think really really hard and i analyze and analyze and analyze i can find i can board the magic train and he won't be disappointed so you're overthinking and you're you're your search for fantasy is to protect you from fear it's your antidote to fear and it's paralyzing because there isn't a perfect solution and so you're searching for a cure to fear that doesn't exist do you disagree [Music] i think there's always a perfect solution but like i don't think things have to be messy okay i think that's a fair point so here's my question to you so actually it's not a question i'm just gonna make a point for you to think about okay i think that there may be perfect solutions and i certainly have felt that i think there are times in my life for example like as a psychiatrist sometimes i deal with people who are suicidal and then i think that sometimes there is like the perfect thing to say and this is someone who's like wants to kill themselves and then you like you gotta say the right thing can't say the wrong thing and so i do believe that those things exist i'm with you what i have found and this is something you've got to think about this isn't something that i can ask you questions because you're a smart guy i think you've got to come to your own conclusion is that building a strategy based on perfect solutions is a bad strategy because perfect solutions are few and far between and they're hard to find whereas building a strategy based on solutions that are good enough tends to be a better strategy and while it ain't perfect it's actually gonna get you to where you go like you know i just think about cooking and it's like you can't like sure you can make a perfect cookie but that's hard making a decent cookie actually gets you most of the way there what do you think about that i think that's true i do a lot of cooking and it's sort of like i just improvise and figure out what works what doesn't just by trial and error okay interesting right so why can you do that with cooking but you can't do that with other things in your life because with cooking it's just me and it's like if i mess this up oh well it's like the consequences aren't that big i just have bad food now i'm gonna say something that's absolutely go ahead sorry yeah sorry it's like um you know i could have bad food but most time it turns out pretty good so i i think it works and and so what makes real life different because in real life you only have one shot to make it pretty good because like if i fail and i waste all that money in university then i'm gonna end up broke and i'm not gonna have a degree and i'm not gonna have a job and then i will be nowhere and i can't how would i recover from that i can't go back to university because i'll just waste more money that i don't have so i only have one shot right yeah i can see why you think that way and as someone who also failed a lot like i mean i you know i had i had a d average after two years of college had a lot of f's took me five years probably took would have taken me five and a half or six years to graduate really busted my ass in my fifth year and and managed to graduate just one year late i don't know what the is it canadian uses of four canadian schools use a four-point gpa system yeah so i graduated with a 2.5 and had less than a 2.0 after two years and what you're saying is logical and in my experience real life turns out to be way more like cooking than you would imagine and i'm not saying that the steaks aren't the same like if you overcook your chicken like not that big of a deal being a hundred thousand dollars in debt slightly bigger deal and at the same time i i just don't that's not it's just not how life works man like one relationship is not you know like even when it comes to your your mom and your stepdad they kind of [ __ ] you up and at the same time doesn't mean that they can't try to fix it what do you think about that um i don't think i think it's up to me to fix it honestly who's surprised you said that right because what are you doing there i'm blaming myself for what happened yep you see how quick you are to do that yeah and and and so it's so hard because when you blame yourself for what happened it's like it like really raises the stakes right it's like kind of it's hard it's a hard way to live man and you know i i feel like this is sort of an abstract or theoretical discussion is this helpful for you um i think so how so i think it helps me understand sort of what's going on um i don't know i tend to be pretty abstract yeah i think you're a thinker yeah yeah i am too i really enjoy it at the same time i'm i'm noticing a little bit of a pressure within me to try to make this practically applicable to you yeah i think so okay so here's can we do that for a little bit sure so it's cool like we like have contemplated like oh like what is your psychology like man and then it's like today is august 5th and you're going to wake up tomorrow morning and it's going to be august 6th and like what the [ __ ] do you do with all this right so like let's talk about that for a second because i don't know i mean have i helped you today like sure we've jerked each other off intellectually and philosophized but you know it's like is this actually gonna help you like maybe down the road or something sure but like let's think about how to actually help you so here's the first thing that i want you to really recognize i want you to see that you have a pattern within yourself that you consider failure so you have a fear of disappointing people and you have a fear of messing up because ultimately you're responsible and if you screw up you screw up and that the way that your mind tries to fix that fear is by analysis until you find a perfect solution and that in turn paralyzes you it keeps you from acting as we talked about analysis normally is designed to help you act and what it does is the exact opposite and if you don't act your life is going to continue going down yeah so bizarrely what you need to do is make to based on bad decisions because your decision is not nearly it's not going to be perfect and in your mind any solution that is not perfect is it's gonna i'm gonna fail yep but that's not how things work really right like it's not like if you overcook your chicken it's inedible like there tend to be some things that are gonna really mess up your life and then there's like a perfect solution but like most of the things that you're gonna do are gonna kind of work out okay like that i mean that's just been my experience but i i want you to more importantly like even even despite challenging that i think the more important thing is to recognize that when you act when you try to act that you're gonna look for a perfect solution and then that that search for the perfect solution is going to impede your actual action which in turn is going to hold you back in life and that when you've actually grown and become confident in something you did it through trial and error not painstaking research and perfect solutions through trial and error and honestly asriel that is exactly what my experience was i started my third year of college and i was like this isn't working and i haven't figured out how to fix it but i gotta do something and like i didn't turn like i didn't go from 2.0 to 4.0 it was like 2.6 the next semester and then it was like 3.1 and then it was like 3.0 and then it was like 3.4 and i sort of wound up with a 2.5 which is not that much better you know than i mean it's it's good enough so i want you to just recognize that your fear like you're going to have this very tangible fear that's going to keep you from acting and that your mind is going to analyze to try to make the fear go away but that actually what it does is like paralyzes you further so your solution is actually your problem so then so yep when i would just would i just act on my first instance that's going to be impossible for you because the programming is pretty deep yeah right so you can't just act on your first instinct what you need to do is like notice this pattern within yourself and then as best as you can try to set it aside in the tiniest ways so like i think for example you should try to find a therapist and what's happening is you're afraid of talking to them on the phone and so notice that fear and then run a little experiment because you're a physicist at heart and what you need to do as real like so all of your current hypotheses are based on the data of the past and what i would really love it if you could do is collect your own experiment that does not involve your stepfather i mean collect your own data run a [ __ ] experiment without him because i can almost guarantee you it's going to give you different data your sense of confidence in yourself is based on like him interfering with your [ __ ] experiment so like no wonder you think that you're incapable of doing everything and everything is your fault because that's like that's what he taught you and when it turns out like you know did your stepfather think you were a good cook i didn't cook much fascinating it's almost as if you like learned good things and life skills when he wasn't around right so like notice that you have the fear and like just run a couple experiments right so like try picking up the phone and recognize that you have this beast within you that's going to say oh my god you're going to screw it up you're going to screw it up you're going to say the wrong thing they're going to say who is this idiot who's calling me he's not even worth my time as a therapist like he's too dumb you're gonna have all these like random thoughts and it's like like what did you think was gonna happen today i thought i was gonna mess up how are you doing fine i'm pretty good well i i do i have to admit that i was trying to control the situation before i got on actually this morning and got a webcam and a mic just for this well i plan on using it for other things too but good for you i'm confused though like how like did you find the perfect solution to this did you figure it out well it felt like a pretty good solution um yeah i'd agree so can i tell you what i saw today asriel i saw a guy who showed up and gave it his best shot with no guarantees took a [ __ ] risk yeah like the chance that like maybe dr k is gonna think i'm an idiot and everyone on twitch that is gonna think i'm stupid and i may disappoint not only your family but this thing called the internet and you didn't cause here's the crazy thing asriel i think you're actually a pretty capable guy i think you're smart you're compelling you have a nice smile i think you try really hard you're a compassionate person you care about other people sometimes to the detriment of yourself and if you can stop stop being angry with yourself and cut yourself a break i think you're gonna do great i don't need you to be perfect i just need you to be you i don't need you to be on that track that you should be and think about all the preparation you could have done instead of what you did what you did was like the minimum necessary which is you got a webcam and a mic and thank you for that because if you hadn't done that this would have sucked well i already had a a webcam and a mic on my computer it was just bad quality so like that's that's i think a perfect example my dude because like this is the amount of control that you have in life you could have made this experience worse but instead you put forth a little bit of effort and you made it a little bit better and that i think is all you need to do it's going to be anxiety provoking there's a chance you're going to disappoint people and that monster of fear is gonna be there and at the same time like it takes huge balls to come on here especially six months after you signed up like there's a certain amount of like idiotic adrenaline when you sign up and if we're like yeah come on next week we don't give your mind time to like think through things if i'm honest it's um i sort of signed up multiple times it sort of like took multiple shots in the dark okay um but yeah each time i refined my response to be a little better until finally it worked and i'm like wow and actually think i'd be on today yeah interesting i wonder if that means that everyone else is going to refine their responses but i i i wouldn't are you sure it's anyway we don't need to get into that but that also is like kind of cool right like so that's kind of respectable like if at first you don't like but i thought you just got one shot at stuff i'm confused now i'm confused because what you're describing is that the road to success is trial and error and not to do things perfectly out of the gate i think um i think that's what i'm learning now is sort of trial and error but that's not how i used to think um i do trial and error for some things but for other things the risk is too great yep that's that's yeah how i think of it yep and that's okay right so i want you to notice like you're going to have a conversation with yourself and asriel is going to ask terrifying asriel hey buddy can we try this and then sometime terrified astral is going to be like absolutely not no way we are not going to ask that person out on a date cannot do it and and there are going to be some things like hey can we get go on the internet and bear our deepest darkest feelings to random people on twitch and be judged by them because we have social anxiety and then terrified asriel is like go for it that's the funny thing is that i actually i trust twitch more than i trust real people and that's i know people call that funny but i'm with you i'm with you bro because i think we have this perception that twitch is like full of [ __ ] but like the crazy thing is it's like the exact opposite like all you have to do is give people an opportunity to like be decent human beings and they amaze me can't let them take advantage of you though because they'll still troll you i'll get you they catch you with your pants down but yeah it's cool right it's amazing like how much people on the internet can help you and support you and how loving and caring of individuals they can be it's wild it is so last thing i'm gonna ask you asriel is like i want concretely like what are you gonna do like today is august 5th and what are you going to do tomorrow or today um well i have a list of all the things that i'm supposed to do great i love making lists of things that i'm supposed to do that i never end up doing it's one of my favorite pastimes yep i i guess i'm just gonna try things um so i'd be more concrete i'd pick one of those things on your list one of those what's just pick one all right um i am what if i i picked the most the least important one fine you can pick whatever you want what's the very important one actually it's pretty important but um i sort of have a minecraft mod pack that i'm working on and um it's pretty much ready it's just that i'm trying to release like get the description and everything so people know what it's about and the fear i have with that is like oh no one's going to be interested but i i can try it anyways i guess see what happens so so so this is what i want you to do i want you to notice that fear as if it's like a part of you right so there's going to be like a little corner of your mind or a big corner of your mind that's filled with that fear and that fear is going to tell you no you can't release that description because the description isn't good enough you need to revise it more don't half-ass it right don't just show up today with your like inbuilt camera but at the same time don't cancel and not come on stream find that middle road of okay like i'm gonna make it give it a decent shot i'm gonna spend an hour coming up with the description i'm gonna sleep on it so i want you to come up with the description today sleep on it give it a pass tomorrow and then everyone into a chat is asking for the link oh boy right so so when you say oh boy what happened what happened when i told you that what happened within you it's like it's not ready yet so but what is that don't tell me don't tell me the content notice what happens there's like a serpent that is uncoiling and right it's like a cobra that's like rearing up and it's flaring its hood you feel that yeah like like what what are they gonna think so so notice that thing don't get lost in the thoughts themselves now we're gonna meditate but sort of a weird meditation close your eyes okay one sec yep okay so you're gonna draft a description today can you do that i can start how long is a description well i'm trying to describe every little thing so it's pretty long description so don't describe every little thing so you can list as much as you want to but the description should be like one paragraph i think i don't know how mind packed mods minecraft mod packs or whatever how long their descriptions are but like they're nice to be like i have the description it's just i'm trying to describe all the features involved and all that okay so are we talking about like a notepad text file that has the full description are we talking about the blurb that people like download like that describes the mod before they download it the full description okay so the full so this is like in a text file and it can be like a hundred pages right yeah okay okay okay fine okay so i want you to just think about that description for a second you're gonna try to work on it today you're gonna sleep on what you did you're gonna work on it tomorrow how do you feel emotionally and what what are you thinking in your head um i think i can do that okay i don't feel anything okay great so this is what i'm gonna do i'm gonna ask everyone else to sit up straight and i want you guys to pick something so we're gonna give you guys about 30 seconds to think of something that you want to do that's like on your to-do list that is hard for you to do or that you're procrastinating about or whatever it's ideally something that you're afraid of doing so this is going to be like a fear-oriented meditation okay now i'm going to say something asriel to trigger you okay and this is going to be hard because then what i want you guys at home to do is think about the scenario that you're trying to avoid so in your case we're going to think about like what's going to evoke judgment so asriel everyone on twitch wants the link and what happens watch it catch it experiment what happens within you um felt something in my chest yep that that's all i felt okay and what's happening in your mind i i don't know it's sort of sort of blank okay so hold on a second i thought that when we talked about sharing the link you would be paralyzed with fear because that's what started to happen when i first said it right the first time i thought you're a legit i'm still legit oh they want the link like on friday like people are gonna ask me about it and if you've got your [ __ ] together see we're gonna make it real for you now you can't gotta play with live ammo they're gonna ask me on friday when i stream next they're like where's the link and i'm gonna be like okay here it is now what do you see what's happening with you asriel i gotta do it now okay they're they're depending on me how does that feel um tightness in the chest a little fidgety okay um heart rate's increased okay so you're noticing all these physical sensations good are you afraid a little bit but it's sort of like well now i know what i have to do is having to do it does that feel like good or bad i i think that feels good [ __ ] weird right so now i want to point out something very subtle in your language this entire conversation we've been talking about the outcome we've been talking about people are going to be disappointed this is going to happen we've been talking about the effects the results they're going to be disappointed to have me work with them anyway i'm destined to fail i'm going to fail out of college i'm going to be in debt those are all outcomes they're not actions the way to move forward in life it's what i have to do it's not about what happens it's about what i have to do it's about what you have to do not about what has to happen because you can't [ __ ] control that and now we come to the crux of it which is as a human being in life you are entitled to your actions you're not entitled to results you have to work on your mind craft pack or whatever and write your description and upload it because that's what you have to do you can't control whether people are gonna like it or gonna hate it you could be traumatized because of how bad it is in their response so be it trial and [ __ ] error my friend all right how you feeling um determined good right it's like kerbal space program like sometimes stuff crashes but you gotta do it and so people say like oh just do it i'm not saying just do it what i'm saying is like look at doing it recognize the horrible fear that lives within you the sense that you're a piece of [ __ ] and that you're inevitably going to disappoint and give them the finger and then do it anyway don't just do it recognize all of these things that hold you back recognize how terrible of a person you've been taught that you are and then say you know what i'm not going to give into that i'm going to try anyway don't just do it do it in spite of all of the reasons to not do it you're telling me that there's one road to success and there are a thousand roads to failure and what i'm telling you is that you can have a thousand reasons to not do something and all you need is one to just [ __ ] do it that which you think holds you back in life is actually like completely irrelevant they can try to hold you back as much as they want to for a thousand different reasons as real and all you need is one good reason to upload and you're gonna [ __ ] upload it and they can go [ __ ] themselves if they don't like it all right how do you feel um all right i feel all right okay all right okay good i'll take it you can open your eyes all right man so that's what i got any questions so it's not about just doing it it's a it's about i'm gonna do it so don't just do it do it in spite of everything in spite of the thousand reasons that that are holding me back because just do it absolutely just do it implies ignore all of these parts of yourself just just do it man just ignore all that crap just ignore it and just do it i'm saying that doesn't work you can't ignore it what you need to do is embrace it you know it's like when you're playing dark souls you can't just pretend to have chain mail and then just just just pretend that you've got chainmail and go and like just pretend ignore live the life pretend you're in the life of your fantasy and act that way it doesn't work start from where you are don't just do it you can't just do it you have to do it anyway but you've got to do it in spite of all the baggage that you've got right you got to play the hand that you're dealt not the hand that you want and that involves acknowledging and accepting that you have this fear that you've been taught that you're destined for failure it doesn't mean that it's actually true it's just what you were taught it's like people who are taught that the earth is flat it's just what you were taught doesn't make it real right and now the flat earthers on twitch are going to tell me but so be it but like that's cool man it's it's okay that you think you're a failure it's okay that you're inevitable to fail and then also like collect your own data as real because this is not the life you are not the person that your stepfather thinks you are you're the person actually that you are you don't even know who you are so try to collect some data and do it in spite of everything then you'll succeed at least it's worked for me your mileage may vary all right all right man any last questions or thoughts that was a great summary by the way um i i think i'm good okay i'll i'll try and see what i can do that's all we ask and what i will tell you is that if you do have a link that we can share on friday that would be awesome today is wednesday so that gives me two days yep and at the same time twitch chat how are we gonna feel about him if we don't have a link on friday what's our sentiment okay okay so i don't know if you can predict do you can you imagine what twitch had to say i want to say disappointed no they're not going to be disappointed apparently they're going to burn the world down or they love you it's a little bit unclear so they're gonna riot they're not gonna be disappointed they're gonna riot or they'll they'll forgive you which so you know that's like right like trial and error sometimes means that you get error it's not trial and success it's trial and error so it can be both so you know do the best that you can i suspect twitch chat will forgive you but also that they really do want to see they want because here's the thing like here's the thing if you can do it they can do it so there is a big burden on your shoulders which is that now you come on on the stream and they're counting on you and so i do i know it's crazy but i i i think that you can disappoint them which is a real possibility on the other hand what you can also do since you're a compassionate person is like you can set your own feelings aside about judgment and recognize that if you can share with us a link on friday sure there's a lot of pressure and i recognize i'm putting it on you but like that's what people see right like they want to see progress and you can give them hope which is a big burden to place on your shoulders but i'm telling you um asriel i can't do this alone we need we need your mind crackling all right all right so it seems like they love you it's apparently one person wants to smell you i don't think they do it's a little hot here be careful i mean don't assume that you know what twitch chat wants oh oh right because they'll be like challenge accepted that they want my urine or bathwater or whatever right that's oh boy all right man this is turning south real quick so i'm gonna say goodbye and good luck and um i look forward to hearing from you man and and no sweat if you can't all right all right take care man all right you too bye bye okay chat yeah so that's you know that's life you're you're trying to graduate from college and then suddenly you know your sense and odors become the rage of the internet and and really i want you guys to like think long and hard if you guys struggle with this kind of over analysis fear of failure thing because this is a very poorly understood um little mechanism which is that the reason we overthink is to alleviate fear from ourselves but the funny thing is that the more we think the smarter we are the more possibilities our mind generates about how things can go wrong and it's a vicious cycle because if i generate 10 possibilities then i need to think through each of those to remove that fear and each time i think about removing the fear i generate more possibilities and this is why we get stuck how do i overcome the fear of failure first you understand where the fear of failure comes from and then you recognize that your solutions to the fear of failure are actually propagating their feel of failure and no wonder y'all can't overcome it it's like how many holes do i need to poke in my tire to fill it up with air because the more holes that i put in my tire the more places air can go in how many holes do i need to poke and it's like no man you don't poke holes it's bizarre but the solutions that our mind sometimes comes up with are actually the very problem that keeps us paralyzed and so the way that you overcome your fear of failures first of all in recognizing that over analysis can make it worse recognizing that the fear of failure is built upon certain impressions that you have of yourself and that those impressions may have been true of the past but they're not necessarily representative of the future and the third thing is that you don't really overcome your fear of failure that too is fantasy it's sort of like i overcome my fear of failure and then i can go live my life right it's like shifting to the the track of easy success once i overcome my fear of failure then i can start living my life that in of itself is the wrong attitude you never overcome your feeling you just live your life in spite of it so that which you're afraid of think about doing it try to do it and as you try to do it close your eyes and pay attention to yourself and you're going to feel that that serpent coil up the fear is going to uncoil because it's been living deep down in your belly and it's going to rise up and it's going to take over the rest of your body and when it does that be like just sit with it for a second say okay can i do it anyway you don't overcome your feeling fear of failure you act in spite of it and when you start acting in spite of things instead of trying to fix them before you act then you'll stop being stuck because you guys want to fix everything before you do anything i better start working out so i don't embarrass myself at the gym it's like backwards but it makes sense so don't try to fix things just do things just do things don't just do things recognize that try to do something and notice what comes up and give yourself some time and some space that some of these battles you're going to win and some of them you're going to lose sometimes the fear is going to win and sometimes you're going to act in spite of the fear and the cool thing that happens is like as you act in spite of the fear what actually happens is when you can act in spite of the fear then next time around the fear isn't as powerful because it's like oh that fear was predicting all these problems and that actually didn't work and so this tiny voice is going to start to grow with inside inside you it's like oh maybe i don't need to worry about the fear and then you struggle again and the fear rises up sometimes you win sometimes you lose you act again and it's like oh maybe i didn't need to worry about it it's not so bad and the more that you do that that's called confidence and confidence isn't about in this last thing i'll kind of like explain so analysis to bypass fear or negate fear does not lead to confidence in fact all it does is like give in to the fear because you're accepting the fear it's not courage it's removing fear from the equation that's not overcoming your fear that's just removing it from the equation confidence is about acting in the face of uncertainty because you believe that you can manage what comes right if you're like confident in a video game and like let's say it's a multiplayer game you're like confident that like there could be a good person on the other team but like i'm gonna be able to handle it and i'm gonna do the best that i can some games i'll win some games i'll lose and so if you want to build confidence and overcome fear don't try to solve so that the fear is no longer an issue that's not how you do it it's in fact it's the exact opposite the way you do it is by like actually acting in spite of the fear and then you realize oh like the fear doesn't actually have a hold on me you guys don't need to overcome the fear you need to be like buff your fear resistance and the fear can be whatever it wants to but if you've got like 90 fear resistance then like it's not going to control you anymore so hopefully that makes sense it's not ignorance it's actually pure awareness it's the opposite of ignorance it's acknowledging and understanding that sometimes the fear will control you and sometimes it won't and that the more that you practice and the more you try the less it'll start to control you and then you'll start to believe in yourself and then the fear can be as big as it is but your confidence is going to be big too and you'll be able to handle it yeah you have to level up your fear resistance absolutely okay twitch who are you rating

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 282,789

Rating: 4.9827442 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, fear of failure, fear of failure motivation, fear of failure anxiety, escapism, overthinking, overthink, video games, video games as an escape, fantasy as an escape, fantasizing, fantasizing meaning, over analyzing, overanalysis, overanalyzing

Id: eACv26uAG5I

Length: 103min 9sec (6189 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 06 2020

Reddit Comments

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Thank you for introducing me to some amazing new content dude!!

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