Getting a Girlfriend is NOT an Achievable Goal

even if you believe that you deserve a relationship do you believe that there are factors outside of your control that are preventing you from having that relationship has anyone actually found a girlfriend there are many people in this community who are unable to find a girlfriend and dr k addressed this subject quite often and gave his advices but i wonder it's a good question right if anyone here actually made it out of this situation so let's understand this for a moment okay has anyone here actually found a girlfriend so this is what happens i'm looking for love and i show up on this place called the internet and i'm like yo people how does one find love and a lot of people give me answers there's no shortage of answers right i can go to youtube i can go to reddit i can go to advice forums i can probably not linkedin but there are a lot of other places where people talk about how to find relationships i watch i watch videos about alpha males i watch videos about beta males i watch videos about sigma males i watch videos from people who are in touch with themselves emotionally i watch videos about growth and i watch dr k and then like everyone gives me answers like look at all the answers there are there's so many different answers and then i go to places like i don't know let's take a look at the dating advice subreddit right are my like 1.1 upvotes are my standards too high or does the dating pool just suck where sex i've ever had but i like him no text back after a second date right so let's sort by top a perfect girl canceled our date only 20 minutes prior i was already the uber this just happened to me five minutes ago no text back after a second date you know how how to attract people you're attracted to like do like what do you think you think this stuff works so here's what's hard about this situation if you're looking for a relationship you're like a motivated person right you're like okay like this is important to me i'm gonna focus on it so you go and you collect information you do research what do people tell you they tell you work on yourself don't try too hard just be yourself be the best version of yourself right they give you this kind of advice you're like all right let's go so you work on yourself because everyone's telling you don't try to like find a relationship you're going to appear desperate and just work on yourself in the relationship the relationship will come all you have to do is open yourself up to the universe and the relationship will come you focus on yourself you cannot control the actions of others you can only control yourself so you must work on yourself and you do that for six months or a year no relationship you lose heart a little bit and you're like all right so you're like you take a break for a little while because like you can't you know how long can you do the sigma grind set and then like you know a couple months go by you're feeling lonely again you like turn back to the internet you're like all right what do i do about this and everyone's like saying the same thing work on yourself work on yourself work on yourself you're like all right here we go again work on yourself so you work on yourself for a while and then like six months go by eight months go by one year goes by you're working like you're making progress right you're like more in shape you got a promotion you like went to therapy you're doing everything right second year goes by and you're like still scratching your head and you're like went on a couple dates but as we saw this person canceled 20 minutes before i showed up this person never texted me back like this kind of crap happens and then you're like kind of shrugging your shoulders and you're like wait a minute does this crap actually work so you you dig deep six months a couple months along this go by and you're like ah like the only thing i can control is myself i cannot control the actions of others let me control myself i work on myself more work work work work work so you work on yourself again like here's the thing at some point there's got to be a payoff and each time you go through this cycle and you feel like okay i gotta work on myself because that's what people say is gonna work right is working on myself you work on yourself it doesn't work and then people like just work on yourself more bro i'm like all right okay fine so you dig deep again you use a lot of willpower overcome it you're like there's a little bit of despair right because you've been doing this now for a couple years you've been working on yourself but no one seems to care how much progress you've made no one gives a [ __ ] and then like you dig deep and then you do it again ride this get back on the buck and bronco and then you ride it for a while it tosses you off and then you're like man i'm so tired of working on myself like when like when when everyone talks about how no one talks about when is there even a win and then you start to doubt yourself and then it's like it's sort of like you don't know what what what's going on here like how do you deal with this how do you understand first of all why does everyone keep on saying work on yourself and like why doesn't that seem to work or does it work or why do they think it's work why does it work for them but it doesn't work for you like what are you missing so we've got to start this by understanding a little bit about how belief structures form in a little bit about how information is poorly disseminated on the internet so the first thing to understand is that we have these things that aaron back sort of coined as core beliefs thousands of years ago the yogis called these samskars so let's like understand first of all like how we get into the situation and what to do about it so the first thing to understand is that as we navigate the world our brains try to make sense of stuff they our brain tries to come up with formulas that make it easy to navigate things because you can't you have to like simplify crap so our brains look at lots of different experiences and then they form conclusions that make it easy like i'm a good person or i'm not a good person right so if i get yelled at a lot when i'm a kid my brain sort of figures out okay i'm not a good person and then actually that's adaptive because if i sort of start to realize like so let's say that a tragic story let's say i'm a talented kid and i do really really well and my parents are actually jealous of me this actually happens by the way so as they become jealous of me what do they do they beat me down right they call me not a good kid and then what happens is i start to internalize that belief i come to conclusions oh i did a good job mom and dad yelled i did a good job they yelled i did a good job they yelled ergo i'm a bad person now what happens if i'm a bad person i stop doing a good job now i conform to my parents expectations as i conform to my parents expectations oddly enough it hurts less so now i've figured out the rules of the game and how to play that game this then becomes a core belief then what happens is core beliefs spew these things so this is what what uh aaron beck sort of laid out so core beliefs are like beliefs about myself like i am unlovable or i will be alone forever then what happens is these core beliefs form adaptations so we adapt to them we start to make assumptions we start to make rules for how to live my life based on this core belief and then those rules then will spawn something called automatic thoughts so this is where like if someone doesn't text me back right away oh she doesn't care or he doesn't care like that thought is immediate it's severe and it's automatic so what the yogis basically said the same thing what they said is that when you have an emotional experience that is undigested the emotion sinks down and goes dormant and then that emotion can get triggered and all of the thoughts that come with that emotion will now be applied to your current situation so if the last time that my my partner was being shady and not returning my texts they were having an affair that's a lot of emotions to manage right i break up with them that gets becomes baggage relationship baggage right we even understand that now like yogis were smart er jude aaron beck was smart but like we don't have to be smart everyone understands that people have relationship package what does that mean it's the emotions that you carry over the patterns that you carry over the assumptions that you carry over from the last relationship so as we carry over these assumptions of oh like people are untrustworthy then if your partner is like not available for a few hours you have thoughts boom this person is cheating where are those thoughts coming from this person is giving you no reason to distrust them the distrust is actually coming from you right so that's what they sort of said in in that's what a samskaras is a very similar to a core belief so if you're entering the dating pool the first thing you've got to understand is like what are your beliefs about this do you believe that you can find someone do you believe that you are lovable do you believe that you are worthy of having like a good relationship do you believe you deserve a relationship there may be other kinds of core beliefs even if you believe that you deserve a relationship do you believe that there are factors outside of your control that are preventing you from having that relationship right so this is some of the intermediate beliefs that that aaron beck sort of talked about is sort of like we'll see this where we can say like oh because of things like concepts like sexual marketplace value or whatever like you know oh these are like adaptive beliefs that essentially compensate for the idea that like i'm terrified of being alone so we come up with all these like rules and ideas now the key thing to understand about all these core beliefs in some scars is that we tend to think about them as coming from the inside and affecting the outward world right so if i get triggered in a particular way i'll feel emotionally bad it'll generate thoughts in my head it'll generate behaviors so the directionality of core beliefs as most people think about it is outward right so there's a belief that i hold it shapes my thoughts which in turn shapes my emotions and shapes my behavior what people lose sight of is that core beliefs don't just shape your thoughts they also shape your perceptions huge undervalued piece of information so if you believe you are unlovable what that means is you will amplify particular signals and you will reduce other signals so what happens is every time something happens let's say that you have a 50 50 and one person says oh yeah i'm really interested in seeing you again and another person doesn't answer your texts your mind will actually hang on to one more than the other so it shapes your perceptions and that's how you get to this has anyone does it actually happen because what happens is all of the positive information tends to get filtered out and the negative information get tends to get amplified now the problem with this is like this has been going on for thousands of years so what's changed now now what's changed is this so not only does my mind amplify negative information and reduce positive information but the internet itself amplifies negative information and reduces positive information so i want you all to think about this if you look up information on relationships on the internet it doesn't matter whether it's discord or reddit or youtube or whatever are people who are in healthy relationships chain posting are there communities about i have an awesome relationship there's no community like that what happens if you just if you post on dating advice hey i have an amazing relationship what do you think is gonna happen you're gonna get down voted bragging arrogant all the people on there resentful get downvoted into oblivion right so the internet doesn't like are there a thousand videos about how to find relationships yes are there a thousand videos about hey my relationship is awesome i'm grateful who the hell would watch that what is the point of watching that so not only do we have this cognitive bias but the other thing that happens is that the internet amplifies that so we amplify the negative we reduce the positive and the internet like just turn turns both of those dials like way up and so then what we get is a perception we get this question and what i love about this community is like this person was like critical enough to think about this and be like actually hold on a second because i want y'all to appreciate this for a second this person recognized that they had a thought i'm not gonna find a girlfriend and this crap doesn't work for people and then they were critical of it by the way you guys want to see what the answers are so what do you think do you think people actually find girlfriends what do y'all think chat huh do people find girlfriends yay or nay so rhinogator saying no impossible no no no no let's see first answer yeah i met my girlfriend through mutual friends when we first met i wasn't even looking to date her just thought hey she's cool we kept hanging out i really enjoyed our company then one night we got drunk and hooked up and that was that right let's go down yes but i think that finding a girlfriend boyfriend is unique quest for every player there's much more to that in the simple yes or no answer my consistent problem for roughly 10 years ago is my tendency withdraw frankly in the last six or seven years passing fan she's focusing on myself basically i'm a lot more social now i perform betterly i'm kind of a late bloomer so it seems like this person is improving but hasn't found it yet gaming wife here so this person's married yes dude of course it's not this impossible quest that some people on this reddit think it is then the question becomes why do people think i don't know this is great i don't know i'm 29 and i've never been anywhere near close to having a girlfriend right so this is where your automatic thought says but i'm not like other people i am hopeless i'm convi at this point i'm convinced here's the core belief i'm no good and no one will ever want me hey man i used to feel the same way and i'm engaged now a good friend of mine was 30 when he finally had a girlfriend and lost his virginity a friend his acquaintance of mine was 31. there's nothing magical about these ages wow right like you know like i know it's kind of weird but the problem is that so most of the people are saying yes this stuff works here's the big piece of information that's missing no one tells you the timeline everyone tells you what to do no one tells you how long it'll take and that's what screws people because then what happens if you spend a year working on yourself and you don't find a girlfriend you're like screw it i did what they said and it's not working it's like when we plant a seed we don't expect a fruit within a year right we have a good expectation of like all right i gotta plant this seed it's gotta shoot it's gotta become a shoot and it's become a tree then it's gonna have flowers and a couple of years from now it'll have fruit we know what to expect it's like imagine if you went to college and and you were like oh like how do i find a job go to college and no one told you how long college takes like imagine how idiotic college would seem you're like i've been here for a friggin year where's the job and so then you like quit for a little while and then you go back to college you do your second year like where's the job you go back people like yeah just go to college go to college go to college that's how you get a job you go for a third you're like where's the job no one tells us in terms of this dating advice crap how long it takes and so we have we have no idea what to expect and that's like a crit like you'll get this it's a critical piece of information how long do i need to work on myself for this crap to work no one talks about durations and why is that because it's individualized sort of right but that's where we can actually like go into data and we can understand okay how long does it take and it's like kind of luck and then it becomes super confusing because it's like okay what amount of this do i need to improve in one amount of this is time because if someone says it takes five years and then i kind of like do stuff but i don't try hard enough like in five years what if it doesn't work it gets super confusing so what do you if you're wondering if you're out there and wondering okay all this crap about finding a romantic partner does it actually work so here's the answer yes it works it just takes a really long time we're talking three years four years five years seven years so it's sort of like honestly it's like opening a loot box that's what dating is finding a romantic partner is opening a loot box i don't know exactly what the odds are there are certain things you can do to improve the odds but at the end of the day the only guaranteed way to get the item is to keep opening loot boxes i don't know what the odds are i wish i could tell you but in my experience if you've if you have like no social skills whatsoever and you're like going nowhere in life give it at least five years and for those of you who are saying i can't do this for five years that sounds depressing like i don't know what else to tell you five years is not that long of a time give yourself five years to grow into a human being that someone else would want to date work on your social skills get professionally independent get so get financially independent become professionally successful get into shape physically take care of your mental like this stuff takes time the other thing is i don't actually think it's gonna take five years but here's the magical thing when you set a target i'm sort of like debating y'all and also like d debating y'all in a moment but if you give yourself five years you won't expect anything in two years and when you're expecting it is when it's when you're not expecting it is when it's the most likely to happen right the top post was like i wasn't even trying to date i just thought this person was cool and we were hanging out and that was a lot of fun that is the most successful even with the person that i married like i didn't even realize we were going on dates she was telling me yeah you took me out on a date i'm like no i didn't what are you talking about i was just showing you around town you were like new to town and i was like i'll just show you around oh you like thai food like i know a great place let's go so like absolutely focus on yourself absolutely like give it time though we're talking about two years three years four years sometimes what it requires is obliviousness on your part why does the obliviousness matter i know it sounds kind of weird but once you get out of your own head like it's so much easier and that's that's the thing is like because when we think about it why is it so hard when we're in our own head to date people it's like literally we are in our head so we're not attending to the other person we're not empathically connecting with them we're empathically connecting with our anxious self and so then i become anxious i start to worry about particular things i'm not really paying attention to her i'm kind of zoned out or i'm kind of staring and distracted what and then like the person i'm on a date with is kind of like that's weird makes them feel a little bit uncomfortable i see them becoming a little bit uncomfortable the anxiety in my head goes oh no now they're not having fun i'm not fun anymore oh crap now what do i do how do i get them to have fun have fun have fun have fun figure out figure out you can make enough fun you can help me can i have fun and then they see the desperation in your face and they're like the [ __ ] is going on so get out of your head focus on yourself put yourself out there right like that advice is all true like there's a reason why we hear it over and over and over again but give it time recognize that for the first year second year like when you're putting yourself out there you're not gonna get much what you're really doing is like leveling up we're not zoning into the raid yet we're just getting ready to zone in right that's that's really the solution and chances are it takes years i mean it takes a lot of people like i don't know what the average age is for people to get married but i get the sense it's getting older so i'd say like 26 27 is probably average i would say 28 maybe and for people saying but i'm 31. yeah 27 is average that means that there are a lot of people getting married at 21 and there are a lot of people getting married at 33. 35 like there's a range so how long does it take years does it work absolutely just keep at it and all along the way the last piece that i'll uh of advice or guidance i'll give you any amount of resentment that you have about this whole process is a hundred percent justified and 100 needs to be dealt with if you're hopeless and resentful completely get you bro or girl or whatever you are in between totally fine because things for non-binary people are not easier let me tell you what totally fine to be resentful and you need to manage that outside of the dating sphere right because we see this like when that resentment enters when people don't text you back you're sabotaging yourself you're shooting yourself in the foot you're making it even harder then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy enhances the core belief that people don't care about me when really what they're detecting from me is resentment and like what are they what are you expecting if you project resentment what do you think someone's going to fall in love with you because you're a resentful person like that's going to be tricky so manage those emotions externally go see a therapist work with someone like work with a coach if you want to talk to friends vent about it on discord you know like you've got to manage that stuff and by the way this is like this is why so i know it sounds kind of weird i'm going to tell you all a story so when i was training to become a psychiatrist i they asked us a question said if a patient walks into your office and says can you help me find a girlfriend what should your answer be and there were a lot of right answers but there was just one wrong answer the wrong answer according to my teachers was yes i can help you do that the right answers were i don't know what do you think makes it hard for you to find a girlfriend why is that important to you that sounds like it's very important to you do you feel lonely those were all correct answers the one wrong answer right and that's what we trained to do as therapists the one wrong answer is yes because we are taught as therapists that an outcome for a patient is not our responsibility something i lost a little bit of faith in therapy that day i think therapy's wonderful i love being a therapist but i lost a little bit of faith in how hands-off the profession is now there may be therapists out there that disagree with that there may be therapists out there that you know consider that to be an unfair attack on the profession it's just my experience i think it's not uncommon by the way so i think oftentimes when people go to therapy looking for guidance what they get is questions that's why i started a coaching program because like at the end of the day like there are people out there in our community who are like looking to find a girlfriend there are people out there who are looking to find a relationship boyfriend there are people out there who are like have a particular goal that they want to achieve and if we look at outcome measures for therapy you know being in a stable relationship is not something that we measure it's not an outcome that we're trained towards do we do stuff around couples therapy 100 but it's couples therapy right it presumes like the starting point so if you think about you know there's this degree called the lmft licensed marriage and family therapist the presumption is that the marriage is already there you all get that couple's counseling it presumes that you're already a couple you can get trained in that as a therapist but what about getting into a relationship in the first place where's the certification for that in therapy and this is the difference couples counseling is about taking a marriage or a relationship that is having challenges is busted in some way and bringing it back to health that's the medical model the coaching model is let's help you achieve your goals let's help you understand what are your some scars that's why we teach coaches about vedic psychology in this eastern perspective what are your some scars what are the emotions from the past that make you resentful so that you it's hard for you to date today let's understand how you work and what your goals are and once we understand those two things we can figure out a path to help you achieve them that's what coaching is about that's why i fell in love with it i went to my first coaching conference and i was like this is actually amazing what i realized and this is where i got you know one of my supervisors once told me yeah i see what you're doing is really valuable to people but it's not therapy and i got super confused by that and what i realized is what i do was heavily informed by like my training as a monk which is helping people find happiness not curing depression those are two separate things and so if it comes to goal achievement and if it comes to understanding your resentment if it comes to a place where you need to offload those emotions and have a coach sort of be like yeah that really sucks that this person doesn't text you back i imagine you must feel really resentful what are you gonna do about it tomorrow let's manage those emotions here and send you back in with a little bit of hope like dismantle that sumscard a little bit let's process it here and then let's figure out a plan for you to start dating again that's why we started this coaching program because the truth of the matter is that it's not i mean for those of y'all that are interested in like treatment right so if you've got i mean if you're in a relationship and you need marriage counseling like don't come to a coach like go to a lmft if you've got major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder go see a psychiatrist or a therapist you know if you've got you know really bad social anxiety or generalization anxiety disorder or panic attacks like go see a therapist but if you're someone who's trying to figure out how to navigate this world and no one taught you the rules and you need some amount of guidance and facilitation and it's not that the coaches have all the answers like so it's not what they're really what they have is a methodology to help you understand what are your values what are your motivations what are your roadblocks what are your goals and like dismantling those roadblocks and starting to make forward progress that's what coaching is about and there's a reason why for the first time in 18 months we actually have coaching spots and like we're we're you know working with coaches as fast as we can we're trying to like get them ready to help you all as fast as we can program's been full for 18 months we finally have about 100 spots that's because we're just like we in in 2022 in the last year we've taught as many coaches as we have in the 18 months before that or more and like that's and the reason is because this is what people need and this is what we presented at the american psychiatric association is peer support services actually help people that you can actually improve depression and anxiety without treating depression and anxiety but wait does that make it a medical treatment i don't know if you're obese and that's a medical diagnosis or you have type 2 diabetes and that's a medical diagnosis and you go to a personal trainer and you start exercising and you lose weight and your insulin resistance improves does that mean that a personal trainer is practicing medicine you can get clinical improvements without clinical interventions and the way that our coaching program helps people with their depression and anxiety is not by treating depression and anxiety it's by helping them find a romantic partner it's by helping them get a job it's by helping them set boundaries on other people how do i set and enforce boundaries those are the kinds of skills that we teach in our parent coaching program that's what we do how do you set effective boundaries on a kid who's addicted to video games kids are terrified they're like oh my god dr k is going to quit my parents with the ability to control me no it's not really what we do we sort of what we do but we explain to the parents is like if you want to set limits on video game addiction you can't have your kid working against you they've got to be on your team for y'all are fighting against an addiction there's no way you can win against an addiction if the person who's addicted is not trying to win impossible so our parent coaching program is about helping parents understand their kids how can you get them on your team and how can both y'all work towards something together in terms of like personal coaching it's like you know for most of y'all it's about unders same thing it's like understanding yourself and even in that way it's like all the self-sabotage that you do why the hell do you do that where does that come from instead of just assuming that you're incompetent or lazy why don't you try to understand it for once why don't you try to like understand like why you do this to yourself and what needs you meet by sabotaging yourself and it works right like that's the at end of the day like it works so hopefully we'll have a published study soon right so we're in the process of of submitting for publication so we've done our data analysis and things like that our outcomes are good like that's why we do it it's not like oh dr k just had a great idea it must be successful that's not how it works by the way we've revised our coach curriculum six times in two years that's why we succeed and there's another thing that i'm really really happy about which is something that i noticed is missing from our profession so for those of you all that are therapists hopefully this will make sense so if a patient doesn't show up let's say you have an initial appointment with a patient and they don't show up or they they show up for the first appointment never come back why didn't they come back so as a profession if someone doesn't show up they don't show up and there's no follow-up right so someone's saying so iconic whale is saying add aaron bb2 is saying social anxiety why did they not show up because it wasn't a one and i'm fixed they just forgot they don't care they're all kind that's my point there's all kinds of reasons so here's the thing if i'm a therapist and someone doesn't show up how do i fix that how do i improve it right and one i see this post a lot on the psychotherapy subreddit where people are like oh i'm so frustrated because we've been working on this thing for six months and this person came in and told me that their coach really helped them with this and what do you think happens on the psychotherapy subreddit people like oh no you should give yourself a pat on the back like you've really been doing the work and like the client just doesn't understand it hold on a second so here's the biggest problem with with the field of therapy right now not the biggest problem one of the things that's really missing in the field of therapy is we don't have good feedback and so we don't actually learn from our mistakes what happens is we get ghosted by patients and we don't understand what happens so part of the reason that our coaching program is successful part of the reason we've had six curriculum changes over the course of two years is because we collect feedback and y'all tell us there's a post the other day on our subreddit where someone was like my coach doesn't know my name is this normal and we're like no it's not please tell us what on earth is going on right there are avenues for feedback there's like post session feedback we measure outcomes we know which coaches are good which coaches are doing poorly we check in with them we also like we'll do positive deviant studies on our coaching program which is like really cool no it's not fired right it's like understanding what's going on how did this client get this impression do you actually know their name because it could be the client right because sometimes people post stuff on the internet and they're complaining about things i don't know if you all have seen like you know nasty yelp reviews where it's like these people never their service is terrible they wouldn't give me you know i was waiting for an hour and then i didn't even i walked out after an hour and it's like yeah you showed up at 9 45 the kitchen closes at 9 30. and we told you that we have no food like you're not going to eat here and then you got upset and then you left right so it's like that's where like this this process needs to be investigated and that's what i'm really happy about is that when we actually collect feedback and we iterate on it our coaching program improves so anyway if you all are interested in this kind of stuff in terms of goal setting motivation trying to understand like what holds you back then by all means sign up because we've worked really we've been trying really hard to keep up with demand and and finally we've got spots available so i know a lot of y'all have been waiting for a while so definitely sign up you

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 1,034,652

Keywords: dating advice for women, dating tips for guys, depression, doctor k, dr kanojia, dr.k, drk, getting a girlfriend, healthy gamer gg, healthygamergg, how to ask a girl out, how to ask a woman out, how to ask her out, how to date successfully, how to date while social distancing, how to get a girlfriend, mental health, mental health awareness, mental illness, psychiatrist, twitch, why cant i get a girlfriend, why is it hard to get a girlfriend

Id: ioa6BjuSOt4

Length: 37min 19sec (2239 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 27 2022