The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis

you have all these people like pickup artists that are purely focused on the Practical aspect but don't understand anything of the internal struggles you face when people give you advice can you make a video about virginity I'm an adult virgin and I'm massively insecure about it I used to have a ton of insecurities tied to my virginity thinking I hadn't had sex because I wasn't funny enough interesting enough kind enough attractive enough Etc Dr K's videos I've managed to separate all of these insecurities from my virginity I have friends including girls that think I'm funny interesting kind attractive but despite this just the fact that I've never had sex bothers me no matter how much I try to convince myself it doesn't mean anything a part of my mind goes to the fact that I want to but haven't and it might it must be because of some kind of flaw and Society claims to be supportive of virgins especially on the internet but in reality it's not the case I get bullied made fun of pitied Etc and even if people don't actually care if you're a virgin when they use it as an insult it hurts for example when someone says something misogynistic and someone says you've clearly never felt the touch of a woman it still feels like a personal insult implying that people who can't get laid are like that because they're misogynistic when in reality some of the people I know who are the most popular with girls are massively misogynistic when people offer advice for dealing with this it's always useless they either say it's easy to get laid and it's your own fault if you can't which makes the insecurities worse or they say you just shouldn't care like I don't battle like I don't battle to convince myself every day that it's not something to be ashamed of and that I could just just wake up one day and become unbothered with ease which also makes the insecurities worse because now I'm both insecure about being a virgin and about caring just change just be different or they say work on yourself which is good General Life advice and something I do and helps a a lot in many parts of my life but does not help at all for this particular issue even in this community I've heard those kinds of things the only people who actually seem to listen and validate your experience are red pillars and black pillars but I don't agree with either of those communities the only person who seems to actually understand and offer use useful advice to lonely men without turning to misogyny as Dr K which is why I really feel like it would be really helpful if he made a video specifically on the topic of how to not be ashamed when you're a virgin despite trying to get laid okay looks like I have big shoes to fill really appreciate the post I think it's really great that we have a place that we can talk about this kind of stuff without resorting to toxic communities so let's try to understand like what's the deal with virginity it's like sometimes we are virgins right so we're at a particular age you know I've heard people complain about being a virgin at the age of 30 35 even 60 65 was talking to a monk once was talking about his regrets in life um but also like 19 18 17 even 15. so we all are not all but Society basically conditions us to Value being able to have sex and it sort of makes sense from an evolutionary perspective right like so like the purpose of life is procreation so like if you're not procreating you're like not worthy in some way and then that that kind of maybe General evolutionary thing then gets extrapolated over interpreted you know pulled far far far away from evolutionary biology and people start making generalizations in society about your value as a human being whether you've gotten laid or not laid right like people do that and so a lot of people out there who try to be supportive and it's like hey you know just like work on yourself like you'll be okay like it's all right and I think that this is whereas the person sort of mentioned the red pill and in the black pill communities are very emotionally validating in this way right they're the one place where people are going to sort of like acknowledge that this is a problem they're gonna do very different things with it so the red pill Community is here's a guide to get laid right it's kind of like this is the way the world the black pill Community is gonna and I'm generalizing here as well you can't get laid you're screwed just like we are we might as well all give up right because there's no hope so if you're someone who's a virgin and you're insecure about it which sort of makes sense right because like the reason you're insecure is because there is this societal pressure and even if some people are supportive like people still kind of like you know you're going to get a double take even if someone's trying to be nice and you kind of tell them oh yeah I've never had sex before like let's say you're on your third date with someone you're like yeah I've never had sex before because right because you all are talking about previous Partners like you're gonna get a double take like you're gonna get that tiny amount of judgment you're gonna get it like oh you know and then like what does that mean is there something wrong with this person like like what are they thinking now like do I want to have sex with someone who's never had sex before like there's all kinds of like implants judgments and then the problem is that if we're in this situation there isn't really a clear way out right so is this an issue of insecurity and shame because if this is an issue of insecurity and shame like I can go work on myself I can go learn about my insecurities I can meditate I can go see a therapist I can learn about all this stuff and I can even fix my insecurity and shame but fixing your insecurity and shame doesn't like automatically mean you're gonna get laid right like obviously but the people who sort of advise you to fix the insecurity and shame and like don't worry about being a virgin it's not like you've you can do that but it's it's not like people are lining up outside the door it's like you you you're like I'm cured of Shame and you walk around with like a sign and then people are like oh like let's have sex it doesn't work like that on the flip side there are people who are sort of giving you like advice on how to get laid right if your problem is that you're a virgin go get laid here's how you uh so this person is I think a man who's interested in women so let's assume a heteronormative perspective here although the shame especially amongst homosexual men is like I know it sounds bizarre but can be very very high I've almost seen more shame in homosexual men because there's a presumption that if I'm gay like gay dudes are down to have sex like all the time so if if you can't get laid like all that kind of stuff again the shame can be really really crippling for homosexual men shame can be crippling for women as well for the same reason it's like oh like dudes are down to get laid any time so if I can't get laid and I'm a woman like there must be something even worse right so there's all kinds of stuff like the shame is is piling on and when it comes to actually like going out and let's say getting laid like they're people who will tell you all this kind of stuff like oh just like get out more and like go meet people and things like that but when you go do that like I don't know how to say this but if you go if people say like okay just meet more people so let's say like I go to a party okay if I go to a party and like I am insecure about myself and I am ashamed about myself for being a virgin how do you think that's going to affect how I behave at the party how do you think that's going to affect like how I talk to girls right so now this is the challenges that a lot of people are giving advice about what to do you can sign up for some course we'll like teach you like like how to date like oh my God like I'm going to teach you all the secrets that will get you laid and then you do that but then you're carrying this bundle of insecurity which actually sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because if you lack confidence and you go to a social situation then like that's Gonna Shine through in some way right and it's going to sabotage your efforts to form intimate connections with people so what do we like what do you do if you're in this situation because fixing the shame isn't enough and also like just going out and trying to get laid doesn't work and there's a really simple reason for this and that's because the two things are synergistic so if you really want to learn how to overcome this you've kind of got to do both and this is actually what I found really frustrating when I was learning to be a therapist when I was still training to be a therapist I remember I was and so this could be a bias of my particular education you know which on paper is good but you know no no training program is going to be perfect but one of the things that really frustrated me about therapy is that the standard in therapy is if a patient walks into your office and says can you help me find a girlfriend the right answer is not yes the right answer is well what do you think what do you think makes it hard for you to find a girlfriend right what does it mean to you if I were to say yes what would it mean to you if I would say no And when I say the right answer this is literally what I was instructed to say that you can't ever help a patient accomplish a particular thing I mean you actually you can help but you can't make them accomplish a particular thing right so people would come into the office and like the therapist cannot give you a plan to find a girlfriend which is sort of correct and in one sense but it really kind of bothered me and that's when I realized that you know what therapy is really about the focus is really about sort of fixing that internal shame which isn't enough it's absolutely stepping the right direction and therapists can absolutely help you if you're in the situation so don't don't get me wrong there but it's that therapy is really not focused on that practical aspect and on the flip side you have all these people like pickup artists that are purely focused on the Practical aspect but don't understand anything of the in internal struggles you face when people give you advice which is why advice is useless right so like this person says advice is useless because if someone says yeah just go out and just just talk to girls but like what about this roiling bundle of emotions that makes that impossible for me so what we've actually got to do is look at the intersectionality between two things it's to acknowledge that first of all working on your shame is going to be insufficient and going to parties is going to be insufficient that this is a solution that's kind of like Chopsticks like you can't get anywhere with one chopstick you need both of them right I guess you could spear something depending on what it is but Jet and that's right so I don't know the analogy fell apart but I feel like you need both of these things so we're going to talk a little bit about that okay so if you're struggling to get laid we're going to talk a little bit about insecurities and not feeling confident in yourself as a virgin and more importantly how to practically apply that to like an action plan that will get you to where you want to go so let's take a look at this okay here's the problem okay so we start life and we've got a trajectory and generally speaking it what happens in life is that we'll have particular Milestones or opportunities so let's say that like I enter High School let's say this is the normal path where I date someone in high school or I deviate and I never date in high school right and then what happens is we've got another path over here where date someone in college or deviate no dates in college right and then at some point we're also going to have lose virginity or be a 26 year old virgin and now the problem is that like once we kind of miss these Milestones we've missed we're kind of behind in two ways the first is that each of these things is going to lead to an insecurity or an identity right let's just say I'm unlovable ugly unable to get laid call it whatever you want okay but this is like an identity that you carry forward now the problem is that even at this stage when you go to a party this identity actually goes and sabotages your attempts to get back on track so it stops you from moving in this direction does that make sense because when you go to a party and you start talking to someone say you're talking to a girl we're gonna assume a heteronormative male perspective because that's what the post was right applies any way you want to cut it though this thought this insecurity actually prevents you from getting back on track the second problem is as we have these experiences we level up our social skills right so social XP here social XP here and so if you look at this person this person in addition to not having the identity issues is also like level five when it comes to social skills right so now we get to see something else which is that even if I fix this so let's say that I make this and then I can go to the party the problem is that over here I still have level one social skills and so now even though I've sort of fixed the shame I go to a party like I just don't know how to talk to people like I don't know how to flirt right because this person is not like an expert flirter and if I go to a party and I don't know how to flirt I fail my flirting check then what happens I still end up over here and so then what happens is like I try all kinds of different stuff right so people are like they'll say like oh try this and try this and try this and try this and and if I'm trying different things what's going to happen is this keeps on sabotaging stuff or even if I sort of resolve that I just don't have the social skills and then what happens is as I fail these kinds of things or if I go to parties right and I don't get laid what happens as I fail my flirting check now I'm going over here and I'm reinforcing these kinds of thoughts does that make sense so we get trapped as a virgin the Virgin trap missed social Milestones internal insecurities sabotage are future prospects and then the problem is that even if we recognize this we can try to fix the insecurities but then we're not leveled up enough or we just go out and we try to fix things like we just try to level up right we're just like we're just going to socially participate but we've got this huge penalty to all of our checks because of the identity issues and the insecurity so how do we overcome this first thing we got to do watch out for General realizations so I want you all to take a look at this what do you all notice about this post Society claims to be supportive it feels like a personal insult it's always useless right people that offer advice like so you got to be really careful or they say work on yourself which is General good life advice you know so you've got to be really careful about generalization so if you look at these communities like red pillars and black pillars most of these communities are going to be relatively generalizing and so why is it important to avoid generalizations because that's not how people actually work right so we talked about this a little bit but it could be things that are generally true but at the end of the day you're an individual person and like the person that you're trying to date or you're trying to have sex with is an individual person and generalizations happen very very naturally so like let's try to understand where generalizations come from so there are two basic things that happen that we have to be super careful about the first is that the human brain is designed to generate patterns it's designed to generalize that's why we do it like that's like if you look up at Clouds for example and you see animals there aren't animals and clouds that's your pain brain generating a pattern out of like random data that's first thing the second thing is the human brain is biased towards the negative what does that mean that means that you talk to 20 people about being a virgin and 19 of them are supportive and one of them is unsupportive your brain will actually latch on to the one out of out of 20. right so there have been studies on this so a good example of this this is a common one that I use illustrates the principle well food poisoning so you can eat the same dish 20 times first 19 times you don't get food poisoning you get food poisoning once and your body is going to have a visceral biological reaction to avoid that thing we also see it in content creators where you can be looking at chat right if you're streaming on Twitch or you can upload a video to YouTube and there can be a hundred good comments but your brain will sift out the one negative comment now why does it do that it's because it's a survival mechanism because chances are it's like you know if there are 19 ropes or 20 ropes in my shed and one of them is a snake I need to be able to find the One Bad Apple amongst all the Good Apples because the Bad Apple is the one that really screws me up right so our brain is biased towards the negative and biased to generate patterns when we put these two things together what we end up with is negative generalizations about the world once we have negative generalizations like why is that a bad thing it's because it actually sabotages our future efforts if I go into social situations believing that Society hates me because I'm a virgin that resentment towards Society is not going to be attractive to other people so I can't just tell you just don't do that but what I'm saying is like pay attention to what's going on here so anytime you have a generalization ask yourself how did I form that generalization and then you've got to be super careful because the internet loves Echo Chambers so you have one negative experience and then the nice thing about the red pill and black pill communities are that they're validating they're supportive like that's a good thing right they're like oh like you suffer I suffer for two I'm sorry that you're suffering so much and then as soon as you join that Community you get stuck in the Echo chamber and then lots of people are validating you and then you accumulate evidence to support your generalization now the challenge is that once you start generalizing and once you start kind of believing that stuff it's actually going to sabotage your attempts at kind of getting into stuff in a healthy way so once you sort of are aware of that cautionary principle become aware of where your generalizations come from be become aware of more importantly we'll get to this in a second how your generalizations influence your actual actions okay and now we're going to take we're going to go back to the drawing board and take a look at that okay so this is kind of the the first thing to sort of understand the second thing is that we need a synergistic approach what does that mean that means that we have to deal with the shame and we have to level up socially neither of these is going to be sufficient on their own in the most common mistake that I see when anyone is talking about like getting laid or forming a relationship or whatever is that they assume that there's like one part of the answer I hear either or go to a therapist to go work on your internal shame issues therapist isn't going to teach you how to flirt or go to a dating coach to learn how to flirt dating coach isn't going to fix your shame issues that's why this problem persists because we don't have a professional that can do both now how do you do these right okay so first thing ask yourself this question how do I feel about myself write it down on one piece of paper ideally pen or pencil instead of typing now you can answer this question reflexively right you're going to get a reflexive response here's why the reflexive response isn't good enough because the reflexive response is going to come from the generalization it's not an actual response it's going to be like an emotional response it's going to be a general response so be careful about so write it out the second half of what you write is where the money is going to be so become aware of I guess for lack of a better term you know self-opinion this isn't really important we'll show you how or why later number two how do I feel about other people once again write minimum one page there's going to be a reflexive answer other people are okay I like other people uh no you don't and then if you your reflexive answer is that all people suck that's just not true right like it's not true not all people are bad I mean maybe you really believe that maybe right there are probably people who are justified in believing that like serially abused and like all kinds of stuff like there may be people who believe that maybe that's a valid perspective but I generally think that people who say those kinds of things it's the reflexive response so as you write a page you will discover the nuances in your thinking what you'll probably end up with is some amount of internal conflict some people suck or all people suck some of the time and this is a magical statement because already you've made progress and we'll we'll show you how in a second okay so now you're you're going in with some amount of understanding now the key thing here is that we're going to take these these understandings and we're going to apply them to actual actions third thing now we're going to do is socialize with intention so what does this mean this means that when we social when we socialize we're not just going to go somewhere and hang out there's a lot of evidence that shows that humans who are intentional do better right so like for example like if you're trying to get better at a video game you can mindlessly grind at the video game for 10 000 hours and like you're gonna stay the same right you can look at like they're people who've played a game for ten thousand hours and are still like hard stuck at bronze or whatever there's data that shows that you can predict which Physicians are going to be have better outcomes which Physicians are good and which Physicians are bad within two years of them practicing starting practice and you can have a physician who has five years of experience who has better outcomes than a physician who has 35 years of experience and what's the difference it's because the one who has five years of experience is an intentional learner and the one who's got 35 years of experience is on autopilot same thing with video games Studies have been done on medical outcomes it's probably your own experience as well so socialize with intention now the question is what does this mean with intention focus on friends first now we get to the fun part so when I tell you to focus on friends here's what's going to happen you're going to go to a party and your goal is going to be Dr K said focus on friends and internally are you going to be focused on friends no you are not because of this you're gonna have some thoughts and feelings when you actually go to a party you're going to feel resentment why do I have to focus on friends why why did I end up this way why can't I just find a girlfriend your internal response is going to hate focusing on Friends be aware of that internal response right because here's what's going to happen unless you do that you're going to focus on friends you're gonna be a robot and do what people tell you to do and it ain't gonna work because your heart is not in it you're going to be mechanically going through the motions of forcing yourself to make friends while internally you're not truly focused on it because internally you're like okay this is a step to get me laid and now I'm gonna make a friend and I'm not laid why did I waste my time I'm gonna make two and I didn't get laid why did I waste my time I'm gonna make three and I didn't get laid why did I waste my time you're not truly focusing on friends why am I saying focusing on friends it's because you gotta level up you gotta level up so I'm gonna learn how to talk to people without being awkward and you may say how on Earth do I learn to talk to people without being awkward very simple you practice until you no longer feel it's gonna feel awkward and then you're gonna do it and there's this little circuit in your brain that develops tolerance right it's the same circuit that when you jump into a pool of water it feels cold at the beginning and then you develop tolerance to it the first time you tried something it was hard if you just keep doing it you will no longer feel awkward we're going to learn how to just practice socializing and having conversations with people okay other things that you can do smile practice smiling right so smile at people you know you don't want to be creepy about it you don't want to like make eye contact for an extended period of time right deal remember this we don't want to do that right so but you want to smile like so the next time you're at the grocery store smile at the person who checks out hey thank you very much smile at your weight or a waitress now next thing we're going to do once we practice a little bit at some point both your greatest hope and your worst fear will happen greatest hope and worst fear you ready for it you're going to be attracted to someone it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and then what are you gonna do run away no we are going to make our intentions known instead of waffling around in the friend zone we're gonna let them know we're attracted to them this is so hard why is it so hard because of this crap because I feel insecure because of this crap and because of this crap this is why we did those practices as you make your intentions known thoughts are going to come up I'm unlovable I'm pathetic people suck people hate virgins they've always hated virgins they used to sacrifice them to the god all of these thoughts are going to get in the way of you doing this and this is how people get stuck in the friend zone in remain virgins because they're so afraid of the rejection that they can't make their feelings known what is fear and but then you can say Okay overcome your fear of rejection what on Earth does it look like it doesn't look like rejection what it looks like is these thoughts this is how a fear of rejection actually manifests and you're not gonna know how to catch it or overcome it it's like invisible right so you've got to use some kind of detection we need like sonar that's where these exercises come in because you're going to know what kind of thoughts to look out for and when they pop up in your head you're going to be like oh there's my insecurity it's not truth it's just there's a part of me that feels this way about myself and when I said this right here is money unless you do this exercise this is what your mind is going to tell you but if your mind tells you this instead there's room to move there there's hope in this second statement there's no hope in the first statement there's plenty of hope in the second state do you all get the difference there that's why it's important to do this internal work and once you do that internal work when you want to make your intentions known all of these thoughts and feelings are going to come up but this time you're ready for them you're gonna be like yeah all that stuff could be true maybe I'll get rejected but you know what I gotta make up for not dating in college so we're going to get some XP either way so acknowledge those thoughts maybe do a quick breathing practice right so you can do like find the space between inhalation and exhalation do something for 60 90 120 seconds put yourself in a calm frame of mind right maybe meditate it out a little bit and then ask them out last tip ask yourself how can I be more patient with myself so I can say be more patient but like how do you do that so instead how can I be more patient what can you do to be more patient with yourself gotta answer that question what I can do to be more patient with myself is ask this person out and acknowledge I mean this is just a sample answer you have to come come up with your own okay no cheating I gotta ask what can I do to be more patient with myself well like I can ask this person out and if it doesn't work out and I don't get laid and I don't live happily ever after I can be okay with myself I can be more patient with myself I can acknowledge that I missed these opportunities right I went down this path instead of going down this path and it's going to take me some time to get back so I can ask this person out and I can get rejected and I'm gonna be patient with myself that I'll do better next time so people say be more patient but like how so that's something you've got to ask yourself can you give yourself a pass if things don't work out the basic issue well being a virgin is that in life we have Milestones right like we start dating at a particular age we get laid by a particular age a certain Milestone and what happens is as we miss those milestones we start to lack faith in ourselves we start to become insecure about ourselves as we become insecure about ourselves it becomes easier to miss further Milestones this is The Virginity trap since I'm insecure and I haven't gotten laid in high school when I go to college or uni now I can't get laid there because I'm a virgin I don't know how it works and so then I don't get laid in college and now I don't know how to date and now I feel more insecure so the more you miss Milestones the more insecure you feel the more insecure you feel the the easier it is to miss Milestones the harder it is to catch up this is your situation now there are solutions is right there's got to be some way to fix this and so then people will offer you two solutions they'll say fix your shame work on yourself become confident in yourself just fix all of those things work on the shame and insecurities you need to go to therapy that's great it honestly it is I'm not saying that sarcastically but you can go to therapy for a year and it's not like people are gonna be lining up outside your door to have sex with you at the end of that at least maybe I'm not good enough of a therapist to be able to get my patients to do that I don't know I don't think that's a reasonable outcome right so like we'll deal with the shame or there are the people hey I will teach you five techniques to guarantee we're going to use neuro-linguistic programming and I'm going to teach you biopsycho hacks to get you laid when you're on to talking to a girl and she goes like this you go like this you mirror her and then she will get laid that's how it works I'm going to teach you the secrets only 59.99 sign up now with discount and I'll teach you the secrets of getting laid and so people will teach you techniques right they're they're all like some techniques like smile like How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie but the problem is when you try to go do that when people give you advice about the practicalities of it if you're carrying around that ball of Shame then like you can't do those things because the shame is going to like bleed into everything else people say oh you need to socialize more when I socialize more and I have all these thoughts about how I'm a loser like that's not gonna work well right because the advice works for those people because they're playing with a different set of cards like that's the basic issue is that if people are socially if they hit all all those Milestones the hand of cards they're playing with with the stats on their character sheet are different from your stats and the advice doesn't apply to you because your stats are different your level is different so what you've got to do is deal with both of these problems at the same time it's a synergistic approach and an acknowledgment that there's an internal emotional component that when you try to move out into the world is going to influence your thoughts and behaviors you have to understand what that internal emotional component is and catch it in the act and I know people are going to be like listening to this and wondering okay how do I fix it I know this sounds absolutely insane you don't have to fix it all you need to do is be aware of it awareness precedes control like literally when I'm working with patients who struggle with this kind of thing or even working in a professional standpoint or doing consulting all you have to do is teach human beings what the playing field looks like and how to navigate and then your mind and body will take over on its own as you catch the thought all people suck no that's not true some people all people suck some of the time people are allowed to have bad days as as you catch that thought and you shift in your mind for a fraction of a second your attitude will change at the party people will be more open to you and that's the tricky thing is success in a relationship or getting laid is not like a A to Z list of steps right it's about shifting your attitude it's about confidence and like the thing is all of those abstract things we can't operationalize into like 15 Steps 15 steps to become confident and so how does that attitude shift happen it happens internally and it starts with the awareness of thoughts so if you're a virgin and however old you are I'm sure there are people who are watching this who are 40 year old virgins and people are watching this who are 14 year old virgins and you all feel the same it's not about the age but there is a component of missed Milestones which we have to acknowledge and so intentionally you have to go out into those social situations but combine the internal work with social intention and then slowly start to level up is this gonna work for you I honestly don't know worked for me but I can't say your mileage may vary but what I can say with a lot of confidence is that this is the most consistent thing that I have found that works with the most people the rest of it is up to you questions Seiko 5 is saying but you're married so I don't know are you saying that that did work for me or didn't work for me Alexandra Fern what if you're incredibly people picky with people you're attracted to I don't think that that I think that's fine like I I think that's if you're picky you're picky right so all that means is that if you want to try to form a relationship then you just need to increase the scale of who you meet so if you're attracted to three out of ten people versus one out of 10 people all that means is that you're gonna have to you know to have an opportunity with 10 people you've got to have 33 exposures or you've got to have a hundred right that's that's the only difference it makes there is another thing to consider which is to understand why you're attracted to the people that you're attracted to and whether there's some work to be done there so whether there is some kind of like you know if you're attracted to traits that are not good for you in some particular way or there's some flexibility there like learning to appreciate different kinds of people like there could be some work there but but if I'm catching thoughts Within Myself how can I listen to another party it's a good question to Mata for faka it's hard right but if if you really pay attention to the way that you converse with people we're not usually always paying attention to the other person we can spend a little bit of time with ourselves like usually like your mind wanders when you're in a conversation a little bit the other thing is that you don't have to do this while you're in conversation so what I would do is like when I'm walking over so I remember going through this process in college where like I made an intent I decided I was going to try to be more social and like I would leave the room right so I would say like okay I didn't want to go to the party didn't want to go to the party didn't want to go to the party and what I realized is that I could mentally reset by taking a shower so I'd take a shower and then I'd get dressed for the party and then like if I could do that then I could get out the door as I'm walking over to the party all kinds of anxieties are going through my head what about this what about this what about this what about this what about this and then like just process those like acknowledge what you're feeling in those moments at the party like you know okay this is going to be scary things like that and then there may even be certain things that you can reassure yourself with right which is that I'm gonna go to the party but I have to stay for four hours I'm gonna try to have a good time for half an hour or one hour if I'm not feeling it I can always come home and play Diablo so but I'm gonna stay for at least half an hour or one hour right so I'd promise myself half an hour but I'd really shoot for one hour okay we're gonna do a minimum of half an hour but if we can hit one hour like that's an accomplishment and then I'd go and then I'd be like intentional about talking to people and what do you know time would fly by oh two hours has gone by John export is asking what do you do when you lost your virginity and still have those problems I love that you asked that question so here's the thing that a lot of the virgins don't know is that I know it's gonna sound crazy getting laid ain't gonna fix all the problems it's not like busting a nut makes all the internal shame go away it's like boom Magic Eraser for all the shame and insecurity in your life shockingly as a psychiatrist in my professional opinion sometimes getting laid makes the problem worse because here you were thinking that it would fix everything and it doesn't fix everything and then you get into this weird cycle okay now I've gotten laid but I still feel empty inside and then you can like but there's some kind of oxyto ocean there's some kind of connection there's some kind of intimacy and then you start can you even this has happened I've seen this happen where sometimes you will become I'm trying to think I'm thinking of you will become and this is not a gender specific term you'll become a you can become a manslaught woman slot and then you'll start having sexual engagements to try to assuage your internal insecurities and it won't work because it doesn't work like that and you'll start to like lean into sex as a substitute for emotional needs and emotional work and then that's a whole other can of worms then if you're out there and you're listening to this as a version it's like yeah give me that can of worms way better than the can of worms I got I'm not trying to shame them like by all means apologies if I if I did that I'm not saying that it's bad to sleep with a lot of people I'm not making a value judgment on that what I'm saying is that using sex and a prolific amount of sex when having sex once doesn't fix your emotional Securities sometimes what happens is people will try more right look let's do it again let's do it again let's do it again let's do it again and the more that you try to do it to try to fix those internal emotional needs so I've seen this in patients who have sex addictions I'm not shaming them for having sex like that's not my intention if I did I apologize what I'm saying is that it doesn't fix the problem which is what's really shocking to the people who haven't had sex I'm just saying like it ain't gonna fix it like I I just don't know how to say this if you have years of emotional insecurity and shame and feeling like you're unlovable an orgasm is not going to fix that I I honestly in terms of the word uh hopefully it's okay to use that word I I honestly I don't know if you'll notice I paused for a second and tried to think of a word that describes someone who has a lot of sex that wasn't that word I couldn't think of one promiscuous but that's an adjective I guess I could have said I should have said people will become promiscuous no no but I mean I understand that y'all are trolling but like I do need you guys do realize that sometimes I'll go to like places and give lectures at universities and it's such a Charged word I need a better word like really I need a better word can you all help me with that is there a word but see to say that their addicts is not appropriate at that point that's the problem is it's not clear whether they have an addiction I don't know okay so it seems like y'all can't Casanova okay y'all can't come up with something either so that's maybe we'll check a yeah that's what I was so Giga v9 is saying serial sex have her I'll use that I guess because that certainly rolls off the tongue yeah maybe I can say they'll be they can become hypersexual that's probably better thank you chat Jaron Grinders they become Grinders help questions is it okay that we talked about this it ain't your fault that your version it's okay to be a virgin ain't no problem with it we're all born virgins and because you'll get advice from some people that don't understand the internal struggles and you'll get people who will try to fix the internal struggles but in fixing the internal struggles doesn't actually substitute for the lack of social Milestones so you got to do both

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 686,375

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist

Id: MWMWTTE-JR0

Length: 35min 37sec (2137 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 06 2022

Reddit Comments

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[u/OK_Mr]

Could the person editing this video stop removing every single pause? It's difficult to watch this and it goes so fast

[u/AlmostABeast]

I'm definitely a victim of this "go out and socialize more" piece of advice. Parties, social events, at least twice a week, often more. After around a year I started to shit blood. This was a result of constant anxiety on my body. After 1,5 years I gave up and almost get myself into a depression.

[u/HardlyManly]

Great that this is talked about more. Men really need more resources for dealing with these societal mandates.

[u/[deleted]]

Can we get a whole video on intentionality? How did they predict who'd be the best doctor? That's amazing.

[u/Yur_Kavich]

I wish someone asked "what if you dont have a problem with socialization?"

I feel like Im not bad it, probably could be better, Im no Van Wilder or something. But, to me it seems like once a conversation gets going I have no problem with talking to people.