Human Trafficking Survivor-Kat

all right cat yes cat where'd you grow up where are you from originally um Southgate Michigan also known as the lake down river that's what we called it south of Detroit yeah tell me about your family growing up um my mom was a single mom I have a sister um I have a sister that passed away when my mom was pregnant with me and my mom was in a domestic violence situation with my dad she ended up leaving him when he got another woman pregnant and I lived with her primarily after that she got married a few times and like we moved around a lot and there wasn't a lot of stability and I never really clicked with my stepdads in any capacity so I think from a very young age I was always seeking like male affection um like my first kiss was super young I think it was like eight or something and then I had sex at like 11. for the first time um with like a boyfriend it was like a healthy experience as healthy as it can get for 11. um but my mom wasn't home often and she'd sent me to live with my aunt and uncle for a while because they had like a traditional nuclear family so she thought I would be better off with them because they had money and like stability so she thought and then my cousin got pregnant at 15. and they kind of like told me I had to leave because like I was the reason all the guys were coming around and they wanted me to like go back to my mom so I went back to her and that's kind of when [ __ ] hit the fan she was never home so I went from having like all these extracurricular activities like I was showing horses and like doing all these things and back home there was nothing like I was just by myself a lot um I'm super emotional and affectionate so again I like really needed I needed like feedback emotional feedback so I sought that out I started running away to Southwest Detroit and then ended up dropping out of traditional high school and going to Alternative High School which got the ball rolling even more because the whole like the whole group of kids at that school was all they were all doing like bad stuff so I started out in Southwest Detroit hanging out with this family that was extremely dysfunctional and that's when I started like trying drugs and I went to like this house this guy named Tino he was like a Latin count or something like a gang banger and we walked in and there was like cocaine from the floor to the ceiling like bundles like filled his entire house that was the first time I tried cocaine and then I like wasn't into like that like Vibe I guess like Mexican I was always attracted to black guys so I ended up going further out into the city like the west side and running away there by myself like just got on a bus and went down there and ended up meeting this girl her name was Veronica I don't know if that's her real name but she um kind of like took me under her wing and was really nice and let me stay with her and her boyfriend Apollo and it was a weird situation uh so we like all slept in the same bed but nothing ever like happened and she me and her would like walk around and I remember like that's kind of when I got the first taste of like Detroit like dudes would like drive by and like try to holler at you and you would decline and they would like spray you with water bottle like water guns filled with piss so that was a thing um that happened more than once um and I made friends with like all these people that I thought were cool and like we'd sit and smoke and talk and like there's like Belle Isle in Detroit which is like super popular at the time like all the parks in the summer time like you just go there like with groups of people and drink and like they play music and everybody has their like cars all like so yeah um we did that for a while and then that's kind of when things shifted um I was told like oh this guy James is looking for you he really wants to talk to you and was like okay like who is it and he I was at this Coney Island on Grand River and I remember him walking in he looked really nice very like Smooth walk I know it's like weird to say but he wasn't walking like somebody that I would like because I knew how to like identify men that were more aggressive just by their like energy and he didn't have that energy at all so he offered to buy me chili fries and he bought my chili fries and I ate them and he was nice so he was like you can come stay with me like I'll help you get on your feet and take care of you like I have a few other girls that are staying with me and you know you guys would get along really well and I was just like okay like I had no idea that there was like even like pimp culture that's how like far removed I was so he took me there and then he was like I walked in and there were sure like girls sitting in the living room doing their makeup like chit chatting like they were like friends and I was just like oh this is cool like why are they all white that's like the first thing and they're all young they were always 14 at the time so I'm like they were all pretty close in age and um they didn't say anything bad about him they didn't warn me there was no like this is what this is it was just sort of like I got eased into it and he like bought me clothes and he bought me food and then the day things like change with him um I was wearing this like denim jumper it was like shorts with like buttons down the front like you couldn't take the shorts off without unbutting the whole thing and I was like going up these stairs and that's he like stopped me on the stairs he was like well I have to like like I have to test you out before you start like paying me back for everything that I bought you and I was like what do you mean he was like I just bought you all these clothes like I bought you makeup like what do you think I'm just gonna do that for you for free like you're not going to pay me back and I was just like um like don't know what to say like I'm sorry I'll give it back like and that's the like the switch flipped for him like his eyes like changed and his eyebrows like did this thing whenever he got like serious or you knew that it was like gonna be an issue um and he like that's the first time he like sexually assaulted me was on the stairs so after that definitely felt a little different about the situation um he started like that's when I started like going like they would always leave and I didn't know where they went but he would take groups of girls to different hotels in the area like we would go to Knights Inn there was a Motel 6 a Red Roof Inn on like Telegraph Road I remember like all of them I remember all the lobbies and he would drive us to these hotels we would all stay in one room together and it was it was weird it was like almost like a sorority because like we were all like stuck in this situation together and we tried to like have fun and make the most of it when he wasn't around if that makes sense and there was this girl like that was with us her name was Treasure and she like watched the group she was his baby's mom so she would bring their son and he would like go with his dad and like see everything that was going on like everything and I was just like what the [ __ ] like what is going on what do I do and then I start empathizing with his kid and I start empathizing with his baby's mom and I'm almost like that's kind of where I learned that I have like this pretty severe savior complex um I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to leave him I didn't want to like like abandon the situation if that makes sense so it kind of like pulls you in and like makes you feel like you're a part of a family but in this like really [ __ ] up way so oh there is can't leave you can't leave the first time I knew that I was it was a Red Roof Inn on Telegraph Road and I walked down into the lobby walked outside I think I was going to the vending machine or something and I just walked outside because I was like I've been in a hotel room for two days like I just want to go outside I went outside and there was this family this like family that kind of reminded me of my family and I like started talking to the dad he was just talking making small talk with me and I didn't say anything wrong I just was like trying to feel like normal for a second and I remember walking back into the room and this girl I don't want to say her name but she she was the one that was like always with me and she's the one I wish I knew where she was but she um was in the in there on the bed and I walked in and I'm like looking at her not paying attention and the door shuts behind me and he pops out from behind the door and like socks me in the side of my face like right side of my face and I hit the floor and she's just sitting there like holding her face and I was like didn't know why like I didn't know what I did he was like don't ever [ __ ] talk to anybody again like and he walked out that was it end of the conversation and I was like terrified like I'd never been hit by a guy before like and not expecting it I couldn't brace for it I couldn't like Dodge it it just like cold hit me in the side of my face um so that was enough for me to like I'm like okay I'm good like I don't know what else he can do I'd seen him like rape other girls you know with us like he would do it in the room two of us would usually share a room if there was like an in-call one of us would step out and go into like the group room so it was like a whole like system that we had and I've never talked about like like any of the times that I've like had to like work I've always dodged that topic because it's hard to talk about um but I do remember that year the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup so I don't know what year that was I just remember like everybody was outside like screaming and that was like I was in a hotel room and there were two men in the hotel room and me and this other girl she was younger than me I think she must have been like 13. she was from like Indiana or something and these guys came in and I swear I was like they look just like my uncle like just like normal white dudes wearing like Dockers and like boat shoes like corny like I don't I don't know how to explain it I was just like what and they had wedding rings on and I remember feeling so like it just like I just want to go home so bad because I knew like I was gonna have to like do stuff with them and um sorry I never talk about this um I'm gonna have mascara all over my face like it's so funny I skirt it and I like I'm like oh yeah like I was sex trafficked and I like try to bring awareness to it but I'm always like I always kind of like hid that that part like that I actually had to like work I never like had to stand on the street like I wasn't like a street prostitute and I'm sure it was because like I was underage like he would get in a lot of trouble if it was me you know or like any of those girls and um maybe I just didn't feel like I like was doing the same type like I was like oh well I wasn't I wasn't like Street walking like I was in a room or like but he would take us to their house um but yeah uh doing that like that was hard that night was really hard and um there was a time I had this like bleeding disorder this hormonal like bleeding Disorder so when I was like 12 I think I had to like have blood transfusions because I was on this birth control pill that made me like clots and I like almost bled to death so I'd have a blood transfusion and I had to be on this specific birth control to like stop the bleeding for that like time and I ran out of it at 12. yeah you have birth control yeah yeah because they had started having sex at 11. my whole family has teen moms so I think my mom was just trying to like not let me get pregnant but it didn't work anyway um so anyway I ran out of my pill and I and I couldn't work because I was bleeding like all the time and he was like getting angry with me because I couldn't do anything except like give a [ __ ] and that wasn't like you don't get paid enough for that he's I'm not making him money it's not worth the gas to like go do that so he ended up like apparently he knew a doctor because he took me to this room and he was like we're going to get your prescription he's like all you have to do is like trick this guy and you'll he'll give you a prescription when you're done and I was like what do you mean so I like walk in the room not knowing it was this Asian guy he was like he looked like a doctor he looked like a nerd and I was like like what the [ __ ] I ended up like having to like have full-blown like sex with him and he handed me a script after for my for my birth control and I was like oh my God like it's almost like a feeling of like complete hopelessness because you like all these men that you're like meeting and you're doing these things with you're like 14 you're under age 90 of them have on wedding rings there's a doctor and you're just like who doesn't do this like who doesn't like look at me in this way or like girls in this way or young girls or whatever and it's like no matter where you go it's like the same thing like I I felt almost like even like if I stepped out or if I went home like it's the same thing I'd always been sexualized from a very young age like men like cat calling or whatever like before I even had boobs so like I think you just kind of feel like the world like sucks and even if I leave I'm not gonna like get away from this at least this like I see like everyone's being like real like I see it you're not bullshitting me you're not hiding it I know you're a piece of [ __ ] I don't have to like pretend and they don't pretend they're just like using you and that's it and I don't know it's just like crazy crazy experience for sure um before I started running away too there was a time like in between I it was my first experience with an older guy I actually looked him up recently I wrote like a post about him um he he was born in like 71 I think or no it was 60 66 or something anyway he was a mover so he came to my apartment complex he was there two black guys came and I was like oh my God like he's cute whatever like dumb he's like flirting with me gets my number ends up coming and picking me up like later that week my mom's never home so I just like go with him go to his house like have a sexual experience first guy that I'd ever been with that wasn't like circumcised so I had no idea what was happening and then um he like like this was before I ended up running away and getting with James so like he was the first man that like started to groom me and I think that also made me more susceptible to the situation with James because you're just looking for like warmth or like acceptance and they know how to give you that and also get what they want with like without seeming like they're hurting you so he was actually um like he played a huge role in that and he was also the person that told my mom where I was which is weird so like I think in between I would like call him on a pay phone or like I had like a little Nokia phone and I would call him and be like hey like I miss you this is happening and I would tell him and he's the even though he was a pedophile as well he's the one that told my mom where I was because I had told him so he ended up like probably saving my life from addiction or whatever else um would have happened but he also like I would go to his house I remember one time I went to his house and he had his friend Fame come over this other guy he was huge he was like six four and there was like porn playing in the living room you put on porn I was like probably 13 at this time um so I was kind of like confused like what's going on and that was like the first time that you guys ever like had sex with me I did not want to have sex with both of them but I'm like alone in an apartment in Detroit by myself and it was just kind of like oh this is happening this is fun we're gonna have fun it's gonna be fine but I remember like Fame was so like massive in size not just like physically but you know his penis was huge and I was very tiny at the time and it was extremely painful and traumatizing and after he just like left he was like shook his hand and was like oh all right later like and left and that was like it and I just left on the couch like what just happened um so yeah I uh I've been kind of like on the fence about contacting him because now I know like where he lives and his number and everything because I remember like little details now that I'm starting to revisit I'm sorry I'm jumping around it's like how my brain is is working right now I'm sure a lot of this you block out too yeah it doesn't really come up until I start like like piecing it together and it's all very like scattered so I don't know how to like timeline it out properly um and then he was also the reason he took me to someone's house and we stayed the night there and his moving company was down the street on Grand River it was like you could see downtown Detroit moving companies on the left and there was this laundromat with like a carousel on the front on the right so he was probably like six or seven blocks down I woke up in the morning and he was gone so I like wake up and I'm in this house with these people I don't know and I'm like Hey where's Travis and they were like oh we went down the streets but to his you know office like if you want to go down there's just a few blocks you can walk so I'm like okay I'm gonna walk because I would like obviously know if there's groups of men in an environment like they're gonna have sex with you so like I didn't want to do that so I left and I like was wondering if maybe he left me there because like he was trying to like hook his friends up or something so I like immediately get up and start walking down the street and Grand River in that area it's so vacant that like all the buildings are empty there's no like foot traffic there's no I mean it's like it's like deserted so I'm walking this car is like falling behind me pretty like slow like rolling behind me and I'm like very aware I know he's there he'd go up the street and then he'd Circle back and like he has music look really loud and so I could like I knew it was him and then he would like Circle the block again and then he would go this way around the block and I was just trying to like remember where he was so I'm like walking on the street and apparently this time he had went down turned right and then came back up because he cut me off like before I could cross the street and he was like trying to talk to me and I was like Hey like what's up and he was like get in the car and I was like no like I'm going to my friends right now like I can't they're waiting for me and he like showed me a gun on his lap and he said get in the car and I was like okay so I got in the car because there's literally nobody like if I screamed and as a white girl in the hood if you scream it's not the same like it's not going to No One's Gonna Do Anything nobody gets involved with anybody probably but I specifically felt like with me so I get in the car and we're driving and he he like was like looking for a spot but like not saying much he was mumbling and he had like his gun in his lap and he was like you see all these fields around us and all these buildings like he's like you see nobody lives there right and I was like yeah and he was like well if I like dump you right here like nobody's gonna give a [ __ ] about you he's like you're just a stupid white [ __ ] and nobody's gonna tell anybody where you are like in so many words he was just trying to get across like look I could kill you and dump you in one of these houses and like your family will never find you so you need to do what I tell you to do and like you'll be okay so he like pulls down the street pulls up like alongside this like um like a field it's like it's weird it's like a neighborhood there's all these houses but they're all empty and this vacant lot was there so we pull up there and he was like trying to get me to take my my shorts off and I couldn't and I was like I'm on my period I'm on my period like I kept saying that like hoping that he would just like not check because he was like frazzled you could tell he was like stressed out and and rushing and he was like just like here just and he pulls his like dick out and he was like just give me head and put push grab my hair and push my head into his lap and I like had to give him head while I was crying I was trying not to cry but I'm like crying and he's like holding a gun to my head while I'm doing it so like I I don't know how you get enjoyment out of that situation at all but he ended up like finishing and I just like sat up and like didn't look at him like the whole time I just kept trying to like not look it look at him because he didn't have a mask on and I was like if I see his face or if I'm like staring at him he's gonna think that I'm gonna like tell on him so I didn't look at him and he just like ended up driving me back to Grand River opened the door like told me to get out and pulled away like nothing happened so I like go into Travis's business I end up walking there as fast as I possibly can go into his office and I try to get in the back and this girl her name was Pam she was like the office chick she's like you can't go back there he's busy and I'm like like knocking on the door and she's like you can't go back there I'm like visibly upset and she ends up or he ends up coming to the door opening the door and there's like another girl back there with him so like the whole time like this is happening I'm just trying to get to him and he's like with another girl in the back so I'm like devastated and I'm like trying to tell him what's going on and he's just like I'll be out in a minute and shuts the door and just leaves me in the lobby so then I was just like I need to go home like I ran across the street to the laundromat because there's a pay phone and I was hoping somebody would be there that would give me change because I had no money and I didn't have change nobody would talk to me so this like Lincoln pulls up and they're like hey this old man is like hey come here and of course my experience I'm like I don't want to come to your car like I just want to go home but like something told me like it was okay like my gut wasn't telling me to run away so I went over there and he was like you don't belong here he's like you need to like let me take you home and I swear it was like the first person like my whole experience like in Detroit was the first person that was like kind to me and didn't want anything in exchange for it like gave me 20 when I got out of his car and he was like he needs to get home like just go home like you don't belong down here and he left and it was like amazing and I don't know why after that experience like I ended up running away again like in my head like why did I do that and after like when my mom ended up finding me I don't know how she found me I'm like getting out of someone's car this guy that like like had picked me up to like have sex with him that he like ended up like that was a crazy experience we had sex and then he put me in the bathtub and peed on me so I'd never like had that happen I didn't even know that it was going to happen and it just ended up peeing like all over me like my face my body and I was so like disgusted and then he took me home I didn't get to shower so he's driving me back to like the to Brightmoor down this like side street the house is over here so he was going to pull up here and I was gonna walk to the house he pulls up and I see this blue Sunfire like pulled on the side of the road and the interior light is on and there's two white people in the car and I'm like and I'm like oh my God is that my mom and she like I get out of the car and I'm like looking and I'm like so afraid I'm gonna be in trouble that like I almost don't want her to see me because I'm so like ashamed like I'm covered in urine so she like sees me and she's like Catherine get the [ __ ] in my car right now and I like get in her car and I'm like crying and I didn't tell her what happened like didn't tell her like for a long time she took me to White Castle got me some chicken rings and then took me to the police station right down the street and I was terrified to go to the police station because it was literally right around the corner from the house and I'm like he's gonna see me he's gonna see me he's gonna see you he's gonna like kill you like you can't we can't be here so we tell the cops and the cops told my mom in front of me they were like you need to just leave this alone like you need to leave it alone you don't know who you're dealing with like we're working on it don't worry about it she's like there's literally a house down the street with with minors in it that he's pimping out and you have somebody right here that's telling you this is happening why aren't you going over there and like busting the door down and they were like we can't do that like it's a process like you don't know like they just kept like excusing it and I remember the female cop taking me out back and giving me a cigarette and I was just like I'm still not safe like she's like she's giving like a 14 year old girl a cigarette and trying to like reason with me and why I should just let it go like without my mom which is like I don't think it's legal to do that right like as a cop you can't interview a minor or talk to a minor without their parent it was just mind-blowing to me there was no moment like in that that series of events where I felt like okay I'm good like everything's gonna be fine he knew where I lived so I was like always afraid he was gonna find me again um but yeah that's like it's a mishmash how many years did this go on not long actually it was like three or four months the sex trafficking part was three to four months of running away yeah so like how long did you work as a sex worker prostitute that's so fuzzy I honestly I because I bled for a portion of it so like I was like do [ __ ] count and then I would like reason with myself and I would be like all these men I mean I slept with so many men in that period and I wasn't even 16 so I was kind of like [Music] it didn't happen I don't know how else to like describe it my mom would like ask me and I would be like nothing happened like and I ended up telling her I ended up telling her later like as a grown-up like after I moved out here actually and she was like Catherine like what did you think was gonna happen like when you go to Detroit she's like you're a white girl like you were dressing really provocatively she's like you kind of put a Target on your back um that's just kind of like hard to uh process so I just kind of like either it didn't happen or it did and like it's my fault because like I shouldn't have been there why did I run away like I could have just stayed home or like hung out with my friends instead of like seeking that out like why did I seek that out you know and what do you think the the core of it all was the lack of love from your mom no daddy issues for sure yeah I mean is isn't it always yeah I told my dad my dad was extremely racist so I remember like staying with him for a minute when I was like acting out my mom I was like I hate you I want to live with my dad so I went lived with him and he'd beat his wife up all the time and I'd call the cops cops would come and she'd be like everything's fine and then they would leave and he would never get arrested I hate saying this because like I love I love my grandpa it's like weird he like was my father figure and I I love him and like he did change later um but I do remember growing up like they would say oh if you kiss like black boys you'll get canker sores or like they would say stuff that would like try to like discourage that because like it's super common in like down river for like black guys to like get with white chicks like it was pretty common but it was also hated at the same time and like there's still a divide like River Rouge where I met my baby's dad was still there's a white side and a black side and people still like adhere to it pretty much like the black people live on one side white people live on the other the projects are on the black side and it's just like is what it is like everyone gets along but there's definitely a split still like I think even now so I think just being wanting to be like like fit in I don't know like white dudes didn't like me very much in my neighborhood because I was always kind of like I always had like bigger thighs and like my hips were wider so they would always be like oh like your hips are like they would just make fun of my body shape so I think like black guys were always like Oh I like that I like that about your body so I would be like oh well I'm just gonna go where I'm wanted so that's what I did and yeah I don't know my dad was definitely very outwardly racist like aggressively racist in public he said he got beat up by a bunch of black kids when he was a kid and that's what made him hate black people because he was a white boy who grew up in Detroit whatever but yeah he kicked me out just goes on for Generations he kicked me out because I bought a shoestring CD it's like a Detroit rapper I bought a CD and he found it and he was like you're not gonna have this music in my house but he said like the n-word and he like broke it and threw all my [ __ ] on the lawn so I moved out so yeah so then I ended up getting pregnant by a black guy well do you know I'm 35. you're sorry yeah so I was six but that was another situation now like I was 16 and he was 24. so my mom let him like come over and stay the night she let him sleep in my bed there were no rules I got pregnant that's it I got married at 16 we moved out when I was 17 and then I was like a stay-at-home mom for eight years we ended up having two kids he cheated on me all the time was like emotionally abusive manipulative like all those things and I'm still I'm dealing with that now like just now before I was just like oh that's just like my baby daddy like that's my ex-husband we stayed married for so long and like we didn't have a terrible relationship all the time which is I know it's so stupid to say that but I was 16. you know like I don't understand why every man even now while I just stopped the cycle actually but my second my second husband was 15 years older than me why like is that Daddy issue thing is it like a weird like just crazy crazy to me I don't I don't know what are you doing with your life now you're no longer a sex worker no well I'm not physically I did start only fans I did certain only fans this year you feel so bad saying that um I was like having a rough year financially last year I killed it I made so much money like more money than I've ever made in my life worked for myself I was able to be present for my kids 24 7. like I have a three bedroom house like it's nice I'm doing well like I feel good how are you supporting yourself with my business my clothing brand like strictly that that's all I did last year which is what you're wearing now yeah so but this year was bad I think I like ended up blocking myself I had a third marriage um actually we got married in June of 2020 and he left in March of last year and he left and never came back like there was never a like he straight up like dipped out and never talked about it like it was it was the most traumatic like experience I think I've had in my adult life um he was super close to my kids great step dad great husband and then one day just like he was gone so I dealt with that last year I just like focused on my business but this year I think I was like oh I'm good like I'm Healed I'm fine and it ended up sneaking up on me so I I couldn't be creative like I felt very blocked like I was like nobody's gonna like what I put out so I can't put it out and if I do I'm gonna get rejected and that's gonna like devastate me because I've dealt with so much reduction this past year so anyway June came and I was like kind of like feeling better about myself and I was like maybe I can do this like maybe it will help and I did and like all of my stuff is like very like artsy so it's like in a way a creative Outlet it's not like just like a nude it's like I like add music and I edit it and I like make it like expressive in like a sexual way but like in my own way like I have complete control over it I have control over who gets to see it I can pick who I like offer certain things to and it's like helped me be able to stay home with my family so that's like the most important thing helps pay the bills yeah I mean make good money doing that so how does doing only fans how is doing how does it affect you emotionally I think positively I don't in a weird way it's like boosted my confidence I'm very like reserved and I I have a really hard time making eye contact um which is like puts people off or makes them feel like I'm being dishonest but like it's just like something that I've learned that I can't I can't look like men in the eye it's very hard for me or if they yell at me like I shut down like I turn into like a six-year-old like I just want to hide and like cover my head and I don't think people like understand that so with only fans I'm not like talking to anybody like with their voice there's no eye contact there's messages so if somebody says something like off the wall or something I'm not comfortable with or if they sound like a dick pic and I'm like you didn't ask me if you could send that please don't do that you know I can like stand up for myself and it like it in a weird way gives me like practice that I'm now implementing in the real world in like real world situations with men if that makes sense it's weird but it's helped because they're like my test I mean baby steps I guess yeah what is the lesson to learn from what happened to you when you were 14. and 11. you know young teenager why why did you why did you go there why did that happen I don't know I wish I like I wish I could like have like a therapist and figure it out but every time I've tried therapy I just like I really just shut down and cry the whole time and I don't know if it's because people are prying or asking like if I talk about it I have to like be in a space to talk about it you can't ask me a question and me answer it like I have to be like in an open I don't know how to explain it but um I have no idea I think the biggest thing for me and the reason why I wanted to talk about it is because the media and like everybody's always talking about sex trafficking and all these like scenarios that like I'm sure they happen but it's not like like the the entirety of the sex trafficking like thing is not going to be like you know a kid in a Wayfair like container like being shipped like it's just like so ridiculous to me that that's like where energy is being spent and it's not being spent on like the girls like me who were like super lost and I I really can say that I I was looking for something and I don't know how to I don't even understand fully like what it is but I was always seeking I was always like where can I find this feeling that I'm looking for like this like warm feeling my mom like worked all the time and when she was home she would always sit at the kitchen table and like write in her notebook and it was like Bill's stuff or she would do crafts and I would be in the living room on the couch by myself and I'd ask her to come and stay with me and she never would she just always had something to do so I think I just wanted I just wanted somebody to want to be around me and like men always wanted to be around me like it always they were always like yeah but it's always so like my relationships now are very hard because I'm always just like like what do you want like I always feel like nobody really like nobody really wants to get to know me and when they do they're just like they're just like oh wait like you're [ __ ] up or you're like too needy or you're too like emotional or like they just like get what they want and then they're like oh I don't want the rest so it's kind of it's been hard to like dating as like a 35 year old single parent of four kids like I mean you like say that and dudes like run the [ __ ] away as fast as they can but it's like I don't need I don't need a man to like complete me but it would be cool to like have somebody that like is like I don't know accepting so it's affected me in that way for sure um sexually it's hard I mean I had a kid at 16 my body's like never been perfect as an adult so I'm very like self-conscious about my body um so sex is hard I always like feel shameful um unless there's like a rare rare partner like that makes me feel comfortable which is not very common um so I can never fully like let go because I'm always like what is this person thinking about me like am I good enough do I look okay am I like I'm very like worried about my appearance all the time because I feel like if I'm not like looking good I don't have value like I don't I don't offer anything or maybe if I look good somebody will think I'm cute and they'll want to get to know me and then they'll be like she's like cool too instead of just like I know my kids like see it I mean I don't bring anyone around my kids but I don't want my daughters to grow up and like repeat the same thing so I'm a little scared about that what are you doing to protect your daughters um I'm like really hyper aware and very um I I like don't let them play on the sidewalk in front of my house you don't let them outside without me um I live in Long Beach so it's kind of like understandable if you live in the city like you kind of know there's always like like somebody like tweaking walking down the sidewalk you know I'm not gonna let my kids play out there um sleepovers like I'm super aware of like who's there like I meet with parents you know because I've had situations at sleepovers where like I used to sleep over at this girl Dion's house all the time and her uncle her uncle Michael would come up from New Orleans and he would sneak in the bedroom and like pull me out and like we would have sex and I was probably 13 at that time too um but he would have sex with me and the other girl that would always stay there her name was crystal and he would like pull us out the same night and like have sex with us he was married with kids and so I'm very like you were 13. yeah and he was in his 30s yeah and then her mom found out and we ended up finding out that he was also sleeping with Dion who was his niece like blood niece his sister's daughter he was sleeping with her too you've been sexualized since you were forever forever yeah so but also I'm like I did it to myself like I I was dressing pretty provocatively pretty young so I don't know why I did that nobody in my family did that so I don't know why I made that decision because I'm sure if I didn't dress that way like dudes wouldn't even look twice something happened to you as when you were younger I don't know I've like tried to go back because my sister was I don't want to like share her business my sister went through something with my uncle I lived with him so I don't know I don't remember anything but I do remember feeling like weird in my bathing suit or like you know I could be around anybody else in my family and just be like you know balls out like whatever like but with him I always felt like different like a little more guarded and I I like vaguely remember one of my aunt's husbands he would like invite me to his apartment all the time after they split up and it would just be me and him there and I remember like being in his room and I remember him giving me a massage I have not told anybody about that but I do remember that you're old I was I was young it was all like within the span of like 12 to 14. 12 year olds need massage so probably 12 I would say but yeah we were alone and he would just be like hey do you want to come over like we can watch TV and like I'm like dude nobody thought that was weird like him and my aunt are like split up and like he's inviting me to his house to like watch like nobody like red flag that is there a lack of of awareness of what was going on I don't know what the hell was going on with my family I'm just like there's no way in hell my kids would be alone with anybody even in my family a male in my family like would never happen so I don't I don't know I don't know but definitely like you're like oh well I have to like dress like this to get the attention that I'm seeking for men right so that's how you get it that's how you get your daddy daddy hole filled no pun intended and I don't know it's [ __ ] up okay what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in all of this um I don't that's hard foreign it's hard because I don't want to say like keep your guard up I don't want to say like don't trust people like because as I'm like learning and like figuring this out and growing I definitely I'm looking at life differently like not everybody is going to hurt me or before I would be like on guard all the time like this person has an ulterior motive like I'm always just like ready um but not everybody is like that and that's cool but like my biggest thing is like trust your gut like my gut in every situation when I look back my gut was telling me it was wrong or like this isn't okay and I just like ignored it or I would like explain away the feeling and be like no it's fine like they're nice or whatever but it always ended up turning out not good so I was like okay it was I was right like I just never listened to that feeling inside um that's important and talk to you like talk to people in your life maybe I mean I don't feel like I was heard I tried talking to my mom all the time and I just didn't feel like she took me seriously or she didn't believe me even when I told her what happened in Detroit it was if I tell her now like I told her I was doing this and she's she was like oh well what are you going to talk about are you going to talk about me you know like she's more worried about like her what she looks like as a mom versus me because I remember when I was running away we sat in this Myers like Deli or they used to have like a little cafe and she looked at me and she was like Catherine like if you're gonna keep running away like I'm gonna take you home you can get your stuff and you can go and I won't tell anybody because everybody in the family was trying to find me and get me back but I think she had reached a point where she was like you know what just [ __ ] go just go she actually drove me home helped me get my stuff took me to the bus stop and was like you can go and that's when I was like she really doesn't care at all because when she was looking for me when she would find me I'd be like she does love me it was like this weird like validation that I needed from her and then when she did that I was like I felt so betrayed by her and the Inkster police ended up picking me up at a hotel with some dude that I was like this was before like the pimp situation with some dude I was like hanging out with and his name was Anthony and he was probably 40. and they broke in the hotel room and I was there like naked and I was like 13 I think at the time and they grabbed me like wrapped me up in a blanket grabbed me and took me to the police station my mom came to get me and I remember hearing the detective because I told the detective I was like my mom told me I could come and that like was not good because like I heard the detective talking to my mom and he was like you're wasting our [ __ ] time like you told your your daughter your minor child that she could go to a hotel with this man that is in his 30s he also has this this in this case like he was telling her all the cases he had and he's like you're gonna let your daughter go and like be with him and have sex with him and you know that and you're okay with it and like he was like like reaming her and I felt so guilty because like I was the reason that was happening I just like tore up her whole life during that period I don't think she ever forgave me for that it's all like it's all your fault I mean it was I was running away like and none of it would have happened if I would have stayed home I suspect there's something that made you run away yeah I don't I just what was it I had like a nice house like it wasn't a house it was an apartment but like I had like a I had a boombox at a TV like we had cute dogs like I don't know why I don't know I don't know if I will ever know but yeah I don't know teenage girls are overlooked or over sexualized and I feel like that's a huge issue I feel like teenage girls that are like showing their midriff or like shorts I mean in school you're told like don't distract boys don't distract teachers like why are you wearing that how are teachers supposed to do their job when you're wearing that why is it why is a teacher sexualizing me it's summer like what do you I can't wear like a tank top you know like it was just so like that like cycle that you're taught you know as a young girl it affects you like your whole life you're just like oh I can't do this or I can't do that or I can't like walk alone I can't wear a skirt you know like if I do I'm wearing like crazy ass like Spanx so nobody could ever take them off it's like I'm always like premeditating like where I'm going and like what to wear and how to be safe and make sure I'm not looking like I want a man to like approach me and teenage girls go through that like their whole life and I think that's like that's where it starts or like a dad being absent that's where it starts dad's like caused so much [ __ ] when they like walk away like I just don't think they understand like the whole they leave the percentage of the fathers have been present in the interviews I've got on my channel I'd say it's like one percent yeah 100 I don't think very many and if they are present it was like a bad experience yeah that's that's it yeah because they're off they're off curing cancer somewhere yep so I think that's like a huge thing I don't know instead of like like assuming a young girl like wants sexual attention or she's a [ __ ] because she's like out there like in the streets doing like dumb [ __ ] like I was doing like maybe pull her aside and like have a conversation with her instead of like making her feel shameful or or grounding her or like negatively reacting like I notice with my kids if they're like throwing a tantrum or they're having a meltdown like if I just grab them and hug them like it diffuses it instead of like shaming them instead of like going like this like just like bring them in you know like love is the answer it always is very corny all right Ken well thank you so much for sharing your story oh yeah thank you for having me help somebody hope it helps you me too you're still working on it ah I think I will be for a very long time

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 2,325,310

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: MxIywDdHbFc

Length: 54min 35sec (3275 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 18 2022