MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
MULTI-TALENTED BRIT WHO AMERICAN AUDIENCES KNOW MOSTLY AS
"HOUSE." HE NOW STARS IN THE T PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA, "CHANCE." >> A HOMICIDAL HOMICIDE
DETECTIVE, YEAH, I WOULD SAY. HE KNOWS HOW TO GAME THE SYSTEM. >> HE IS THE SYSTEM. >> AND YET, I WILL NOT ACCEPT
THIS PROBLEM CANNOT BE SOLVED. I WILL NOT. >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
HUGH LAURIE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WHAT AN HONOR. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> Stephen: WALK LIKE A MAN
WHO TROD THE BOARDS. YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO TAKE A
STAGE, HUGH LAURIE. >> DID I OVERDUE IT. >> Stephen: NO. >> I DID A LITTLE BIT. I WAS GIDDY. I WAS GIDDING WITH EXCITEMENT. IT'S SO INCREDIBLE TO BE HERE
INSPECT LOOK AT THIS. >> Stephen: ISN'T IT A
BEAUTIFUL SPACE? EXTRAORDINARY, ISN'T IT. IT'S AN HONEST-TO-GOD BROADWAY
THEATER. >> THAT'S THE STUFF OF
NIGHTMARE. >> Stephen: DID YOU-- DID YOU
WATCH THE DEBATE BACKSTAGE? >> I CERTAINLY DID, AVIDLY. >> Stephen: AVIDLY? >> YEAH. >> Stephen: ANY QUICK
IMPRESSIONS? >> PLENTY, AND I FEEL I HAVE TO
KEEP TO MYSELF BECAUSE I'M NOT FROM HERE. >> Stephen: BUT YOU LIVE IN
LOS ANGELES. >> BUT I'M NOT A CITIZEN. I'M VERY AWARE OF BEING A GUEST
IN THIS BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. >> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU
HOLDING BACK FOR? WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU. >> WELL, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: WHAT'S NOT TOS
LOVE? >> WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.RY
HE'S UNSPEAKABLE. ( LAUGHTER )en
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )O HE'S ABSOLUTELY --
>> AND YET HE JUST KEEPS SPEAKING. >> AND YET HE WILL CONTINUE TOW
SPEAK, IT'S TRUE. REALLY AN ASTOUNDING CHARACTER. >> Stephen: REALLY
EXTRAORDINARY. YOU-- YOU PLAYED DR. HOUSE,
OBVIOUSLY, FOR MANY YEARS, POPULAR ON TELEVISION IN THE
WORLD FOR MANY YEARS. AND NOW YOU PLAY ANOTHER DOCTOR,
ELDON CHANCE, ON THE SERIES "CHANCE" ON HULU. HE'S A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST? >> NEUROPSYCHIATRIST. >> Stephen: NEUROPSYCHIATRIST,
OKAY. AS A FORENSIC NEUROPSYCHIATRIST,
COULD YOU DIAGNOSE EITHER OF THESE CANDIDATES? ( LAUGHTER ). >> I MEAN, I AM PRETENDING IN
THE SHOW. I DIDN'T STUDY --
>> I WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. >> GREAT, GREAT, WELL, THEN --
>> JUST DAZZLE ME WITH B.S. >> I WOULD SAY-- I MEAN, IT MAY
BE TOO LATE BUT FOR TRUMP I WOULD SUGGEST BREAST FEEDING. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE MIGHT TAKE YOU
UP ON IT. >> I THINK HE MIGHT GO ALONG
WITH THAT. >> Stephen: WARN THE WOMAN
FIRST, THOUGH. >> YES, IT WOULD BE A CONSENSUAL
TREATMENT, OBVIOUSLY. HILLARY I'M MORE PUZZLED BY--
I'M NOT PUZZLED BY HILLARY, I'M PUZZLED BY THE PEOPLE WHO HATE
HILLARY HATE HER SO MUCH. I FEEL AS IF IT'S ONE-- AS IF
I'VE COME IN-- I'VE MISSED THE FIRST REEL OF THE FILM WHERE SHE
BURNED DOWN THE ORPHANAGE, OR SOMETHING. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE IS JUST LIKE THIS. AND I JUST DON'T KNOW-- BUT SHE
SEEMS FINE TO ME. WHAT-- WHY-- I DON'T KNOW. SO IT'S, OBVIOUSLY, A THING I'M
NOT EAT. >> Stephen: IT WAS THE 90s. >> WAS IT. >> Stephen: IT WAS A DIFFERENT
TIME. WHEN SHE FORCED US TO WEAR THE
PARACHUTE PANTS. HAMMER DON'T HURT HIM, THAT WAS
HER. >> MY ONLY PRESCRIPTION FOR HER
WOULD BE MAYBE A SOFT, VERTICAL STRIPE
( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: GOING UP HER BODY. >> HER ENTIRE BODY. NOTHING TO DO WITH HER CLOTHES. HER CLOTHES, I JUST THINK THAT--
I'M GETTING-- YEAH. ) IT'S. >> Stephen: A LITTLE CLINICAL. >> IT IS A LITTLE CLINICAL. >> Stephen: ANOTHER AS
SOMEWHAT OF AN OUTSIDER YOU DESCRIBED YOURSELF AS NOT REALLY
FROM HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU LIVED HERE A LOT. PEOPLE ARE REALLY-- PEOPLE ARE
MAD AND KIND OF DEPRESSED AND IS THERE ANY BRIGHT SPOT THAT YOU
AS SOMETHING OF AN OUTSIDER CAN SORT OF SEE IN AMERICA, TO MAKE
US HAPPIER? >> YES. YES. I MEAN, I THINK THIS WHOLE
ELECTION HAS BEEN SOLD TO THE PEOPLE ON THE BASIS OF INCIPIENT
DISASTER. AND I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY --
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? ONE OF US WENT TO CAMBRIDGE. >> NOW, STOP. I HEARD YOU SPEAKING LATIN THIS
AFTERNOON. SO JUST, YOU KNOW, DON'T PLAY
THAT ON ME. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen:
( SPEAKING LATIN ). >> THERE GUAGAIN. AND I DON'T THINK IT'S RIGHT. I DON'T THINK-- THE WORLD IS NOT
AS GRIM AS PEOPLE-- THERE'S PROFIT IN SAYING THAT THE WORLD
IS COMING TO AN END, AND IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE CASE. >> Stephen: EVENTUALLY IT
WILL. >> I SUPPOSE, I SUPPOSE. BUT THE AMERICAN VOTER IS NOT
GOING TO BE KILLED BY ISIS. I JUST SORT OF PROMISE YOU THAT. YOU ARE GOING TO BE KILLED--
( APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY. >> Stephen: THAT'S A CHEAP
CLAP. >> IT IS. >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GONNA
DIE! ANYBODY! >> I'M SAYING THE AMERICAN VOTER
WILL BE KILLED BY DIABETES, FOR EXAMPLE. ( LAUGHTER )TH
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST A FACT. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS. <i>( APPLAUSE )
AND --</i> >> AND WE HAVE KNOT TO FIGHT
DIABETES WHEREVER THEY ARE. >> AND IF ISIS WERE HALFWAY
DECENT AT THEIR JOB, THEY WOULD BE OPENING A CHAIN OF DONUT
SHOPS. IF THAT'S REALLY-- BUT
FORTUNATELY, THEY'RE VERY DIM, AND THEY HAVEN'T SORT OF WORKED
THAT OUT. I THINK THERE ARE ALL SORT OF--
I WAS KAY CAB -- >> A CAB. NO LIMOS? YOU'RE A STAR. YOU'RE ONE OF THE BIGGEST STARS
IN THE WORLD. >> EVERY NOW AND THEN I LIKE TO
SEE-- NO. >> Stephen: JUST MAKING SURE. >> I WAS IN A CAB. AND THE GUY WAS LOOKING AT ME IN
THE MIRROR, AND HE SAID, "I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. I WANT YOUR ADVICE ON FINDING AN
AGENCY." AND, OF COURSE, IT'S LOS ANGELES
SO I THOUGHT EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE AN ACT OOBVIOUSLY, EVERYBODY. AND I SAID, "WELL, WHAT KIND OF
AN AGENCY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?" AND HE SAID, "ONE WHERE I COULD
MAYBE WORK AS A LOOK-ALIKE." AND I WAS GOING, "OKAY, WHO DO
YOU THINK YOU LOOK LIKE?" AND HE SAID, "WELL, AS YOU CAN
SEE, I'M MIDDLE EASTERN." HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SAID MIDDLE
EASTERN, HE SAID MIDDLE ESATRIN. HE SAID,"I'M MIDDLE EASTRIN,
AND, THEREFORE, I COULD GET WORK AS A TERRORIST." NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? THAT'S A WOMAN GOING, "HOW OLD
DO YOU THINK I AM?" THERE'S JUST NO-- THERE'S NO WAY
TO-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: "DO THESE PANT
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A TERRORIST?" >> EXACTLY. I SAID-- I SAID-- "CAN YES, I
SUPPOSE YOU COULD LOOK LIKE-- "AND HE SAID YES, BECAUSE I'M
MIDDLE EASTRIN, AND THEREFORE I COULD GET WORK PLAYING A
TERRORIST IN FILMS AND TV SHOWS." AND I THOUGHT THAT IS SO
WONDERFUL IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THESE GRAND COLLISIONS OF IDEAS
AND, YOU KNOW, POWER PLOKS AROUND THE WORLD THAT OUR IDEA
THAT THE WORLD IS COMING TO ANTH END, THE WAY MOST PEOPLE THINK
IS, "HOW CAN I MAKE A BUCK OUT OF THAT?"
I JUST THOUGHT THAFT SO-- IT WAS JUST SO INSPIRING IN A WAY. IT WAS SORT OF-- IT WAS SILLY
BUT IT WAS INSPIRING THAT THERE WAS A GUY THINKING, WELL, THIS
IS WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AND THE WAY I LOOK, AT THE SAME
TIME, I'VE GOT TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. I SUPPOSE I COULD PLAY A
TERRORIST. I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS
WONDERFUL. IT MADE ME REALLY ADMIRE HIM. >> Stephen: THAT'S THE
SADDEST, MOST HOPEFUL STORY I'VE EVER HEARD. >> IT IS. >> Stephen: WELL, HUGH LAURIE,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. >> Stephen: "CHANCE" IS
AVAILABLE ON HULU RIGHT NOW. HUGH LAURIE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAUL
REISER.
