Stephen Fry’s Funniest Moments! | BBC Comedy Greats

general melted will be here at any moment when he arrives leave the talking to me all right i like to keep an informal trench as you know but today you must only speak with my express permission is that clear is that clear permission to speak yes yes [Music] excellent at ease now then blackadder where would you like me to sit i thought just a simple trim of the moustache today nothing drastic we hear about the paintings oh yes of course the lord george how are you my boy i said how are you permission to speak absolutely top hulls are with a ying and a yang and a yippity-do splendid um your uncle betty sends his regards i told him you could have a week off in april don't want you missing the boat race doing permission to speak certainly not permission to sing boisterously sir if you must gently down the stream build soft fabulous university education you can't beat it i don't know now what have we here name permission to speak all right sir go telly ho yippity-dap and zing-zang spillip looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka permission to speak [Music] answer the general baldrick i can't answer him sir i don't know what he's talking about ah are you looking forward to the big push no sir i'm absolutely terrified [Music] the healthy humor of the honest tommy don't worry my boy if you should falter remember that captain darling and i are behind you about miles behind spray the weekend just passed sir may i inquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature uh no very present thank you very pleasant thank you thank you sir then uh might i take it sir that for that period you were not within the boundaries of lincolnshire where i understand it rained like a oh no i was nowhere near lincolnshire sir i am uplifted no my wife and i spent the weekend in hull [Laughter] sir is married yes i had literally no idea sir my remissness in failing to felicitate sir upon the joyousness in good tidings is something i fear i shall have to live with for the rest of my life now to business being one of the shrewdest sirs who has ever swum into my purview may i take it that sir is keen to exploit the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut uh a haircut that's right yes of course a haircut is a hair enhanced if sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so oh sir the hair in question is what the hair currently under advisement belongs to what do you mean what do i mean yes so i sneaked myself towards the suspicion that sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever-popular cat drama i want you to cut my hair your hair yes so your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be funded why would i come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair sir please set fire to my legs if you think i'm trying to make a haircutting sound more romantic and glamorous than it really is but believe me when i tell you that in my position one cannot be too careful really yes indeed once and once only have i had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will and believe me when i tell you that it was both difficult and impossible no well it's my hair your hair yes now sir we proceed to that important of stages which one which one what which of the manifold hairs upon sir's crisp and twinkling headache would sir like to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encupment all of them all of them yes sir is entirely sure well of course i'm sure what's the matter with you sir i think not to question the profoundness of sir's wonder here to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent of charge no well all of them all of them yes all of them yes my word is that a problem oh no indeed no indeed sir not a problem sir so far from being a problem sir as you would not believe i merely hope that sir can take time off from what i know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head represents the snow-capped summit of a baba's career what have you done it before haven't you oh yes indeed sir yes i once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in cairo shortly after the war when the world was in uproar and to a young man everything's impossible once it would be bootless to deny that i was a younger and better looking barber then but uh let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole we shall wait a minute wait wait one cotton-picking minute here you've cut someone's hair all of it that is once since the war so would prefer it if in the sphere of total hair cartesian i was to him a virgin yes that i can respect what the desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocence as wide-eyed travelers to a distant land unknowing of our fate careless of our destination to emerge someday somewhere bruised sad a little wiser perhaps but ultimately and joyously alive goodbye [Music] how do i look darling girl bait sir pure bloody girl bait moustache bushy enough like a privet heads good because i want to catch a particularly beautiful creature in this bush tonight i'm going to be coming women out of your mustache for a week sir god it's a spankingly beautiful world and tonight's my night i know exactly what i'll say to her darling yes sir what um i don't know sir well don't button i want to make you happy darling well that's very kind of easy but you kindly stop interrupting if you don't listen how can you tell me what you think i want to make you happy darling i want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes i want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body and pepper and then sneeze all over you really sir i'm not protest what is the matter with you guys well it's just all so sudden sir i mean the nest bit's fine but the pepper business is definitely out how dare you tell me how i may or may not treat my beloved georgina regina yes i'm working out what i want to say to her this evening oh yes of course my god all right yes sir listening sir honestly darling you really are the most graceless dim-witted pumpkin i ever met i don't think you should say that another one please bargain you sure what no offense but this will be a seventh you just keep him coming i don't your funeral come again my wife oh she doesn't understand me she's never understood me what uh polish or something of you you ever been have you ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despised not since i was nine do you like it straight up what all with ice nice cocktail onion no thanks she takes no interest in my friends you know she laughs at my peanuts hobbies she doesn't even value my crinkle cut cheesy what's it career you know it's just so depressing all right so other men have got larger plums salaries that are prospects and and other men can can boast a healthier looking stool lifestyle all right you know so so i i haven't got loads of cash hanging around you know but i can play other people are worse off i've got a job i've got two sweet rosy nibbles she's always going on and on and on about my appearance i mean it's not as if she's an oil painting you know i mean frankly she's plain and prawn flavored she's not as young as she used to be herself i don't know why i'm bothered with women i'd be better off being a fruit a monk or a hermit or something at least if i was a at least if i was a monk you know i wouldn't have to put up with women you know women going on and on who can talk behind leg off a camel you know zombies i couldn't live without women you know in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of chocolate hobnob peace and spirituality let's face it we haven't slept together for years you know the best i can hope for is a bit of savoury fingers [Applause] and naturally she won't let me give her so much as a good juicy tongue in the back passage this is a peck on the cheek i'll tell you i tell you the trouble with that woman is that she's just a rather disgusting looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago i'll tell you what it is she's a complainer that's what she is complaining well one one more for the road i think barman certainly uh anything would go with him bag of oral sex if you've got one good morning i beg your pardon i said good morning at last i'm sorry after all these years welcome comrade welcome sit down rest your weary elbows you'll take a glass of vodka mr dalliard mr daniel break out the false passports and the rabbit skin hats we are going to moscow what news comrade stalin in rude health i trust wait wait a minute all i said was good morning precisely the code it is now 27 summers since comrade malenski stood slightly to the left of where you are now and told me that one day a man would come into this shop and give notice of his allegiance with the phrase good morning and then on hearing those words mr dalyard and i were to detonate our relatives and fly to dover fly to dome where a man named smith would see us safely onto a good strain delivering livestock to minsk when i said good morning all i meant was you know good morning oh that's that's uh that's all i meant ah well in that case please accept my greenfelt apologies that's right i just came in here to buy a model a model yes a model yes a model yes a model yes buy a model with or without plastic struts um well i don't know i thought maybe a model airplane let me ask a different question in the same way um who is this airplane for it's for my son it's it's his birthday your son yes just your son yes and when is this birthday of his wednesday yes that's what i said wednesday no wednesday are you stupid or just playing dead wednesday oh you are genuinely stupid i do apologize sorry i thought you were just being deaf mr dania command the earth to swallow me up i do apologize sir life must be hard enough for stupid people without tactics old bastards like that lady over there rubbing it into your face with salt widely mr dalyard i've gone peculiar now so in plain flavored english when is your son's birthday the day after tuesday the day after why where doctors are so specific these days aren't there and are you expecting this boy to be a boy or a girl no it's it's my son he's nine this is going to be his 10th birthday his tenth oh sir i fear you're spoiling him i was only ever allowed one on my birthday usually still i dare say your own business best just don't come bleating to mr dalyard and me if this son of yours turns out to be one of those drug jockeys we're always reading about on television um a glass of water no thank you a cup of water no a pleat of water there no thank you i just want a model aeroplane a model air a plane of water no no i forget i don't want any water forget the water i just want to buy a model airplane i thought perhaps the messerschmitt 109e in the window the message made 109 in the window that's right fizzy or still what ah that doesn't count i had my hand on my head i just ignore anything i say when my hand is on my head so the messes mitt 109e yes and uh i suppose some glue some glue then your son is already a drug jockey mr dalia deny warned you on bended legs but will you listen now look at him hey ho what's this a message 109 e and a fix for that degenerate junkie son of yours but it is already done turn well the model's already assembled well you can't expect us to do all the work ourselves sir the whole joy of modelling lies in carefully scraping off the paint soaking off the transfer taking the plane apart piece by piece putting each piece into a small polythene bag which is then sealed and placed inside the box an achievement something to be proud of rare words indeed in these days of supersonic hedgehog brothers and ready sliced golf shots that's it just forget it forget it i'll i'll try somewhere else mr deliart has a gun trained on you through the curtain sir at a single word for me he will blow your head clean off with as much messy as if you were a helpless seal pup called arnold [Laughter] i'm so sorry we couldn't help you sir we do try to accommodate our customers but not being a hotel we find it almost impossible right well all i can say is this has not been a very good morning good morning mr dahlia have you activated after all these years so any news of the spy do i get him yes sir excellent the germans seem to know every move we make i had a letter from jerry yesterday it said isn't it about time you changed your shirts walrus face sir do you have any ideas where it might be admitted well sir i'm only a humble nurse but i did at one point think it might be captain darling well bugger me with a fish fork oh darling a jerry moss tapper what nurse made you suspect him well sir he pooh-poohed the captain here and said he'd never find the spy is this true begetter did captain darling poo-poo well perhaps a little well then damn it all what more evidence do you need the poo-pooing alone is a court-martial offense i can assure you sir that the poo-pooing was purely circumstantial well i hope so blackadder you know if there's one thing i've learned from being in the army it's never ignore a poopoo i knew a major got poo-pooed made the mistake of ignoring the poo poo he poo-pooed it fake error because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been poo-poo in a lot of other offices in the end we had to disband the regiment morale totally destroyed by poopoo what you got in there i'm sorry what you got in there i wonder uh a cat you've got your mug in there have you got a kitty puss lovely this is clover my daxi i've always had daxes i like smooth coated daxes best really so what sort of mogwog is your kissy puss is it um uh tables or a tomtom or what burmese oh burmy i love a burme is it a girl or a boy burme oh christ uh it's male 1 hello mr burme what's your name then yes you can't speak actually ah but they can understand every word you say can't they not much evidence for that my first taxi my first ever taxi was called scully i named him after hugh scully who presents the antiques roadshow i love that program don't you pervertedly do you know what i do of a sunday every day after we've had our walk because clever and i always go walkings of a sunday well you know just clover and me and of course my little pooper scooper uh because that nasty parky man doesn't like to see poochie poop on his best grass does he snow so oh christ and of course i don't like to see poochie poop on my best carpet and if i do clover knows she can expect a visit from the smack fairy so we come back and i make myself a cheese and tomato toastie a what a cheese and what tummy toe tommy toe tomito tomato tummy toe don't say it again i make myself a cheese and tummy toe toasty sometimes two toasties and an old muggles of tea and i just snudge it down in front of the television and i watch the roadshow i love my sunday afternoonies jesus god help and of course if it isn't the roadshow it might be that animal program with desmond desmond morris oh yes but we call him desmond in our household cause he's like a friend he's like an old chum he's desmond or we might watch masterchef with lloydy or the closer show with jeff banksy wanksy we love our sunday afters don't we clover so what's wrong with mr burme what mr bermy why is he coming to see vettii lou has he got to poorly tums did you just say betty lou throaty hmm what's the matter with mr burme i brought him in to be killed [Laughter] excuse you he's got cancer of the liver i've brought him in to be put to death cancer yes cancer of the liver yes cancer antsy you got kenzie diddleys then have you mr bernie you're going to be put to death is are you is your little heart going to be made to stop you what what are they going to go killi chum chums and they're going to put your coldy worldy body wad in the groundy wound are they hey clover yeah what can i do for you i'd like to have this man put down please britain has the finest trade the finest armies the finest navies in the world and what do we have for royalty a mad kraut sausage sucker and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself the sooner dead you're very kind now you're no doubt anxious to catch up with the latest news of the war i have here the most recent briefs from my general in the field yes well if you could just pop them in the laundry basket on the way out t yes immediately now let's turn to the second front my lord oh yes now as i understand it uh napoleon is in north africa and nelson is stationed in alaska your highness in case boney should try and trick us by coming via the north pole yes perhaps a preferable stratagem your grace might be to hurry him amid chips as he leaves the mediterranean uh trafalgar might be quite a good well i'll mention it to nelson i don't say i'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you your highness i'd been told by everybody that the prince was a confunded oh no no no no oh helen buckshot here's that tiresome servant of yours again [Music] well well sir i fear you have been too long a soldier we no longer treat servants that way in london society why i hardly touched the man i think you hit him very hard nonsense that would have been a soft hit would be like this whereas you hit him like this i wonder if i might be excused your highness your highness i'm sorry about that sir but one has to keep up the pretense i don't quite understand you you carry on the good work very well sir hey hon this is bloody coffee i ordered tea food i heard everywhere that the prince was the embassy whereas his servant blackadder was respected about the town now that i discover the truth i'm disposed to beat you to death you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 210,273

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, stephen fry, steven fry, blackadder, a bit of fry and laurie, hugh laurie, rowan atkinson, tony robinson, melchett, general melchett, blackadder goes forth, fry and laurie, compilation, blackadder the third, Stephen Fry’s Funniest Moments!, Stephen Fry’s Funniest Moments! | BBC Comedy Greats

Id: E3fm-DZ_jZc

Length: 23min 27sec (1407 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 29 2021