The Best of the Rest of A Bit of Fry and Laurie

[Music] ah good morning michael sir good morning mr smear yes well we'll dispense with the good mornings if you don't mind i haven't got time for good mornings as you wish no um you wanted to discuss something with me i think you know why i'm here i don't think i do tell him tell me what tell him what you told your mother last night come on come on sexual intercourse can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female yes yes you heard that did you yes yes well i'd like an explanation if it's not too much trouble an explanation of what an explanation of how my son came to be using language like that in front of his mother well i um i assume it's something that michael's been learning in his biology classes is that right yes sir yes with with mr head glad to see some of it's sinking in [Laughter] well this is a turn up and no mistake what is i didn't imagine you'd be quite so bare-faced about it about what i came here today to make a complaint about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground i am frankly staggered to find out that this is something he's actually been taught in a classroom i mean what is going on here well we we've been trying to teach your son are you indeed trying to teach him what how to embarrass his parents how to smack himself with heroin what mr smear i can assure you we have no call yourself a school well i don't actually call myself a school be ashamed of yourself filling a young lad's head with filth like that well let me tell you something about the real world you're here to provide a service well that's that's quite right oh that's quite right yes well i'm not happy with it i'm not happy with the service you're providing would you rather that michael didn't attend biology classes well certainly i would if those are the kind of lies i could expect to hear repeated at the generation they're not lies mr smear oh aren't they are they what sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female well that's quite true true my ass it's nothing more than a disgusting rumor put about by trendy young people in the 60s trendy young people in their 60s i mean from their 60s in verse 60s that's when it all started people like you i can assure you mr smear that uh sexual reproduction has been part of the biology syllabus for many years don't care about your blasted syllabus what good is a blasted syllabus out there where oh there the ark right road ah right jungle i call it well what would what would you rather we talk to your son i would rather i would rather you taught him values mr uh that is respect decency standards that's what you're here for you're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sex talk michael definitely is your son is he well certainly is my son well then it's safe to assume that at some stage you and mrs smear must have had sexual intercourse right that's it oh i don't know i'm gonna knock some sense into you myself you're gonna fight me now yes i bloody well am i not gonna stand for this well do you mind if i do talking like that in front of the boy you're a bloody disgrace mr smear how can michael be your son if you and mrs smear have not had sexual intercourse michael is my son yes in the normal way and what in your opinion is the normal way to have a son if you're trying to trick me into sexy talk well the normal way to have a son is to get married uh buy a house get probably settled in uh furniture and so on and um and just wait for it i make sure you eat properly three hot meals a day three hot meals hot meals yes and michael just sort of um popped up did he i guess what of course is a few years ago now but i think uh yes one day he was just there and at no stage did you or mrs smear engage in any act of sexual intimacy yes it's very hard for you to believe isn't it it's very hard but there's still some of us who can bring a child into this world without recourse to cannabis and government handouts i don't even know what to say no i bet you don't it's not every day a consumer stands up to you and makes demands is it well not of this nature sir no well welcome to the harsh realities of the marketplace mr kasalingwa right okay so what do you want me to do well it's perfectly obvious isn't it not to me well i mean if i go to little woods and say that i'm not happy with a uh a cardigan for example well they'll change it for me and gladly you want me to change your son well of course i do mine is soiled now [Laughter] i'm afraid we don't have any spare sand typical isn't it well what have you got of equal value oh we have got some uh locusts in the biology land locusts do i have your assurance that these locusts will not embarrass mrs mir at table with foul language how many of them are there well there are two at the moment we mean at the moment well um they're married you see and they've bought their own cage some furniture and settle down and uh having three meals a day hot meals warmish so mrs smear might one day become a grandmother it's a distinct possibility she'd like that well i mean you've been through enough haven't you i know well that's right mind you my life hasn't been easy either no not easy no no i hate you when things go wrong don't you oh i hate it i know i hate it mind you of course sometimes things go right don't they and i like that i like that it's better than when things go wrong well i mean of course it is of course it is yeah still i know well i mean you can't give up no you can't eat money i always say i say that i always say that i know it's me too still well i mean i know that's it well i mean for goodness sake of course it is well i mean it's absolutely bound and certain to be that's it i know what as if it could be anything else other than it that's it that's completely and dreadfully the whole point you're right i know so right oh god i know i don't know i know oh well of course you do i mean of course you know oh well that's right isn't it well of course it is of course it is yes yes oh yes that's it yeah still okay mind you well i mean anyway well of course you mean anyway i mean what i mean of course you do well there you go you see well of course i go there where else would i go well that's it i mean where else yes well i mean where i mean shut up that's it i mean sod right off the godzilla shortage go and slice little bits off yourself and eat them of course you're right that's it just quite simply shut up and never speak again of course i am that did you see i know that's it oh please please be quiet oh drink sick you are so so right i'm right you are so so so right i know god i hate you you're so right well i mean of course you do of course you hey you make me wretch i know i do well that's it you see the sight of you makes my skin fall off yes you got it god i want to kill you i know i know still still hey i mean hey anyway no well wait why are you singing well that's it i know hey you know what i'd like to know have you told me before nope but how could i possibly i'd like to know why or why or why the word gay has been so ruthlessly hijacked from our beloved english language i agree with your question 100 gay used to be such a lovely word it's a lovely word yes you can't use it anymore it's been taken away from us that's right no longer can ordinary people such as we use an ordinary word like gay in an ordinary example of the great british sentence without people thinking that you mean puffy it's a disgrace and there's another one you see puffy you can't say that anymore you used to all the time yes but now now people think you mean ass bandit hospital there you go again you see well of course you do you know ask about it perfectly decent couple of words that's right you used to use them every day so did i would you care to have a go on the ass bandit quite innocently this is or uh back in a moment darling i'm just taking the ass bandit to the menders but now of course nowadays people think you mean homosexual right and there's another one when was the last time you could use the word homosexual in its proper context and it's such a lovely one oh it's one of the great words my word jane i used to say to my wife the garden's looking very homosexual as well oh lovely words yes landlord i'll have two foaming pints of your most homosexual beer oh and a packet of ass bandits as well and keep the chase right here but now nowadays well people just laugh at you that's right oh well i'm off to the dry cleaners to pick up a couple of screaming benders are you coming do you want not then we can get them home and go to bed with them that's right sir you'd like to join the s.a.s not really not really well yes all right that's better so height nine foot six tons well bit over that's better bit over three times as well to be accurate on these matters saves complications later on all right do you have any particular disabilities uh i've got no sense of taste no no what in films music no fruit i can't taste food no dear that might be a bit of a problem might that be a bit of a problem i've just said it might be all right never mind pressing on um special skills of any kind i look good in black excellent how old are you 10 and a half shoe size 28. any particular quirks uh yes i keep muddling up my shoe size and my height i mean my height to my shoe size oh there i've done it again okay all right are you good at small talk what weather and traffic that sort of thing yeah i can hold my end up splendid how much do you know about the sas oh well not much really not really right well the sas was originally founded to be a crack secret elite secret and crack assault force to work behind enemy lines during world war ii right now our role has changed substantially since that time now we are here primarily to act as a masturbatory aid for various backbench mps yes i'm afraid so you see it seems that a lot of today's parliamentarians are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification without fantasizing about their sas so we have to go about the place being crack secret and assaulting in secret and crack all the time and as much as possible just so these people can keep their marriages intact doesn't sound very exciting no you got anything else on your cards um [Music] well we are looking for someone to go through that door there which doorway that one then no mr new do you claim that's right yes i do claim i do indeed claim yes that's right yes you claim to be able to bend spoons using psychic energy psychic energy yes that is the method i have chosen to bend spoons with yes how long have you had this about how long exactly yes that's absolutely correct how long yes indeed well thank you you are very sympathetic sometimes it's difficult when people are not sympathetic but you are sympathetic thank you yes can can you do other things with spoons apart from bend them i can do anything with a spoon really yes you give me a spoon and i will give you the whole world well that's an impressive claim suddenly thank you thank you no thank you right well um we have a selection of spoons here i wonder if you'd care to give us a demonstration i'm not a freak you know yes i realize some people think that i'm some kind of circus freak i'm not a freak no no i'm sure no one here freak they sometimes shout at me when i'm walking down the street but you know i'm no freak well that must be rather distressing yes it is thank you you're very sympathetic yes thank you right um uh would you care to have a go then yes i will be on the spoon now yes i will yes right yes well ladies and gentlemen mr nude is now going to bend this spoon using psychic energy yes uh now is what i'm going to bend i'm going to bend the spoon now right right go ahead i don't know if your cameras can get in close to see what has happened here but the spoon is very bad if i show you an ordinary spoon you can see that this is now is extremely bent there you go well the the spoon is certainly bent of course it is of course it is bent i bent it so of course it is bent yes that much is clear and beyond argument now forgive me i am very tired now it is very tiring for me to bend spoons and i have been too many spoons today how many spoons i've been four spoons today it's too many you know i'm not a circus freak i'm a human being yes um forgive me mr nude no of course yes thank you no thank you but from where i was sitting it didn't rather look as if you bent that spoon with your hands what are you saying well simply that what is this it's a bin spoon a ben spoon yes so there yeah but the question is how did it become bent you know i'm not so sure that i like you as much now i think maybe you're not so sympathetic after all maybe are you sure it isn't fraud that people shout at you in the street now hey look mister it's you who make the claims you know i bend spoons with psychic energy i never claim to be able to bend them with my hands that is your claim but you certainly did bend him with your hands yeah well yes maybe the psychic energy does flow through my hands but the fact is that the spoon is bent hmm well i can bend spoons with my hands i i never claimed that my powers were unique always i stress that anybody can bend a spoon and my book is not expensive by the way yeah you see you know it just amazes me that i ever thought that you were sympathetic you know because i i i now know that you're not sympathetic at all and you know what i have in here now the beginning is of a hatred for you yes looks like the arsenal might do it in well the arsenal yeah oh leave it out leave it there i'll leave it out leave it just leave it there why should i just turn it out or turn it up turn it off switch it off move it on just send it around rock it through rinse it out park it sideways support it laterally indicate length i'll finance it underneath destabilize it it casually it gently clean it thoroughly put it on the shelf flex it over give it some mortgage i tried it around sell it for a small profit comb it thoroughly before putting it back smell it leave it out laid gently out oh and the vehicle does belong to you does it sir yes were you driving it at the time uh yes i was yes all right just have your name please right so hold on a second ready yes my name is derek [Laughter] what are you doing that's my name what is this derrick what derek is your name yes what kind of name is that well it's my name a bit unusual isn't it mr uh if i had a pound for every time someone had said that to me um how'd you spell it's as it sounds right yeah but if you wouldn't mind spending it following can't you i would be very grateful if you would spell it for me all right then n i p p l hyphen e nipple thank you pod nipple nipple where what are you talking about n i p p l e hyphen e hyphen e in my book spells nipple it does not spell have you gone mad what are you talking about i thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit you can't even spell all right mr nipple if i can have your address please you talking to me yes you want to know my address yes please or do you want to know mr nipple's address your address please my address right my address is number 22 king's law watch it what just watch it what's what forever do you realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offense yes i imagine it probably is very serious but giving your address to a policeman on the other hand probably isn't so serious or is it perhaps the law's changed since i last looked perhaps the home secretaries had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever all right all right let's just check this with you shall we mr uh yes your address is twenty-two [Laughter] [Applause] oh no no what's the matter with you look it's 22 kings lynn oh i'm sorry i thought it was 22. kingsley well it isn't handwriting well get up tight right right how did we get afford it right is it you know it's funny from some angles it looks like 22. kingsley yeah well like you say sir we should get a typewriter that was too hard well you must admit uh difficult dress to get the hang of it never mind that freaking sketch that was too hard that really hurt he's just a child really for another angle it might easily look like a liquid until you drink it so let's talk instead about flexibility of language uh linguistic elasticity if you like yes i think i said earlier that our language english as spoken by us as we speak it yes certainly defines it um we are defined by our language if you will hello we're talking about language um if i can um illustrate my point let me at least try and here's a question um what is it well my question is this is our language english capable is english capable of sustaining demagoguery demagoguery demagoguery and by demagoguery you mean by demagoguery i mean demagoguery i thought so i mean um highly charged oratory persuasive whipping up rhetoric listen to me listen to me if he had been british would we under similar circumstances have been moved charged up fired up by his inflammatory speeches or would we simply have laughed is english too ironic to sustain hitlerian styles woody's language simply run false in our ears we're talking about things ringing false in our ears um may i compartmentalize i hate to but may i may i is our language a function of our british cynicism tolerance resistance to false emotion humor and so on or do those qualities come extrinsically extrinsically from the language itself it's a chicken and egg problem we're talking about chickens we're talking about eggs um let me start a leverage here um there's language and there's speech um there's there's chess and there's a game of chess mark the difference for me mark it please we've moved on to chess imagine a piano keyboard um 88 keys only 88 and yet and yet hundreds of new melodies new tunes new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day endorse it alone our language tiger our language hundreds of thousands of available words frillions of legitimate new ideas so that i can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication hold the news reader's nose squarely waiter or friendly milk will countermount my trousers perfectly ordinary words but never before put in that precise order a unique child delivered of a unique mother and yet oh and yet we all of us spent all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time i love you don't go in there get out you have no right to say that stop it why should i that hurt help margaery is dead that surely is a thought to take out for a cream tea on a rainy sunday afternoon so do your language is more than just a means of communication oh of course it is of course it is of course it is of course it is language is my mother my father my husband my brother my sister my my mistress my checkout girl language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square handy fresh enough white net um language is the breath of god language is the dew on a fresh apple it's the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning light as you pluck from an old bookshelf a half-forgotten book of uh erotic memoirs language is the creek on a stair it's a spluttering match held to a frosted pain it's it's a half-remembered childhood birthday party it's the warm wet trusting touch of a leaking nappy uh the hulk of a charred panzer the underside of a granite boulder the first downy growth on the upper lip of a mediterranean girl it's cobwebs long since overrun by an old wellington boot no night oh god oh what is that that is awful sir what is that smell oh is what is it what smells it that's milk can you smell it i can smell it oh oh that's terrible um do you mean the onions no i don't mean the onions i know what onions smell like no that other smell oh god look i'm i'm sorry sir i can't hear cheese but it doesn't matter it doesn't matter you can't smell it i can smell it but never mind yes it is oh it smells like gangrene um no someone's got gangrene in here um yes would you like to move to another table sir well that's not going to shock the gangrene is it watch gangrene takes hold well you move tables as often as you like that's it oh no no that's excuse me one of you got gangrene because it's really bagging me over here it's awful oh i can't open the window so if you think no well never mind we'll obviously we'll just have to put up with it that's all right unless it's fettuccine fettuccine and gangrene they smell pretty similar well table 14 is having fettuccines huh oh well that'll be it then it's all right it's not gangrene it's your fettuccine right sir there's nothing else thank you oh no oh no sir oh oh so what is it this time somebody's got bubonic plague it's off ah uh mr lully isn't it that's correct yes thanks glad you could see me at such short notice not at all do sit down thanks very much um can i offer you a coffee oh that would be very nice yes thanks all right uh how'd you like it uh decaffeinated jug method low mineral content spring water not quite brought to a boil with semi skin milk with one neutral sweet unstirred right um mark yes do we still have that chemistry set in the office ah uh well then just one coffee please okay right now mr dudley you're after a loan is that right uh that's about the size of it yeah you say in your letter that you're starting up a new business and you'd uh like to take advantage of our new greedo startup package that's absolutely correct yes um you don't need to say what the product is that you're hoping to market well ah as it happens i've actually brought along uh a couple of samples with me um we haven't actually settled on brand names yet but basically uh the blue sachet is cocaine and the red is heroin sorry the market research we've done so far has indicated that cocaine is thought of as a brighter fresher product uh therefore the blue um and heroin is warmer more passionate uh hence the red if you disagree i'll certainly value your input you are planning to sell and distribute drugs on the button yep the market's there i'm ready to go and let's face it europe's open for business yes um problem possibly possibly well i think perhaps i know what you're gonna say uh certainly up until now this is an area which has been hedged about with a lot of uh rules and regulations and uh to be quite honest when i first looked at this market i thought to myself hey i'd be better off manufacturing red tape red tape yes um but thankfully those times are changing now whole new markets are opening up and i'm ready to play them yes but the demand is there no question um is it well one of the most exciting things for me is that uh it's such a young market young oh yes immensely young yes consumer profiling indicates the 12 to 15 year old segment and um you know if we can instill brand loyalty into them at that age well that's got to be good news but uh but but but yes you're thinking 12 to 15 year olds do they have the income well what i always say to that is this um if the product's right they'll find the income you know uh their mothers handbags car stereos old age pensioners wherever it is yes i hesitate to use a word like this and it's old-fashioned but do you think this is strictly moral i beg your pardon moral do you think it's moral moral yes i'm sure i've actually got any precise figures on that uh susie said she did me a bar chart no something no is it moral to do this at all you know with children and so on well let me just say this i mean would you rather we stood idly by and let the the germans the dutch south americans take over our market chair hmm where's your precious morality then well upper gum tree without a panel that's where it is the question is this either you believe in market forces or you don't ah well i can help you there because i don't you don't no no i don't believe in market forces i used to of course when i was a child but like everybody else when i grew older i discovered it was all made up [Music] made up yes yes i can still remember the exact day i found out it was a christmas eve and i fell asleep and i crept downstairs and i heard my you know parents they they were talking and arguing and laughing about market forces and saying how they were going to have to break it to me one day it came as a bit of a blow as you can imagine two years later i discovered that father christmas didn't exist either i didn't exist you're kidding did you still yes i did actually yes i am sorry growing up eh thomas i'm afraid i have some bad news just a moment john i promised marjorie i'd mend this clock for her i wonder if you'd mind giving me a hand oh big hand little hand anyway listen to me thomas i have some bad news bad news it's margery margaret she's had a fall margaery's head of four i'm afraid so she was out riding this morning on thunderbolt and she hadn't returned by the time mrs memphis arrived it turns out she's had a fall now just a moment john calm down margaery's had to fall you sir yes off a horse well of course on the things well i don't see there's any of course off a horse about it girls nowadays they're likely to fall off anything doesn't have to be a horse no but in this case it was could have been a chair a table a piano forte anything yes except in this case she was riding a horse when it happened when she fell off yes so you reasoned to yourself margaery has fallen off a horse that's right thunderbot thunderbolt you say yes well sound about the horse all right exactly any damage well too soon to say cavendish is examining her now that old fool what does he know about horses is examining margery margaery is she ill no develop a horse well you've been a fetch kevin dish i have thomas horses are pretty big john i know they are you fall off one of them anything can happen well quite well not any no not anything i mean this clock isn't going to become prime minister just because someone's fallen off a horse that didn't mean anything in that sense well absolutely no anyway thomas cavendish is examining her now you said he was in the drawing room he is examining margaery and where's michael she's also in the drawing room so they're both in the drawing room yes oh perhaps it's not such an old fool after all is well too soon to say sounds like a hell of a fall off the horse yes thunderbolt yes now what the devil was margaery doing falling off thunderbolt oh you know how marjorie loves to ride thomas minder he was writing thomas i'm thomas john i know that margaery wasn't writing me your story is a bit twisted there old fellow who said she was writing thunderbolt she was she was yes but she's not any longer no she fell off good god i know she's in the drawing room margery was riding thunderbolt in the driveway oh no no no she fell off at stratton brook where the path separates that young fellow cultural founder and carried her to the drawing room stables would have been better i'd thought what's the drawing rooms no place for thunderbolt no margaery what do you mean margery's in the drawing room with thunderbills no thunderbolts in the stables oh well that's all right then it's not all right thomas i tell you she's had a bad fall is she hurt well it's too soon to say cavenish is with her now you cavendish he's a doctor isn't it yes i wonder if he knows anything about clocks look just turn the handle look look turn the handle what's the matter with you nothing look i didn't carry this thing all the way from the bloody car park is to turn a handler walk in well i'm going to do it with you will you do what you want i'm going to knock this bloody door down or close it close it what do you want mrs catherine toby yes who are you sorry to disturb you madam we're making some uh routine door-to-door requires in the neighborhood and uh we wondered if we might come in finished why didn't you ring the bell you see i knew this was gonna happen ring the bell oh um we thought you were out no no no no no not right um we didn't want to disturb you no no no um if we rang the bell there would be no point in why having carried this sledgehammer all the way from the car park i see yup i think we might have got away with that one right now then mrs pokey if you just like to sit down i like them they're good i'll right mrs poppy yeah your husband is he at home what your husband is at home at the current time i haven't got a husband no husband i well when do you expect him back ah no no that is the wrong question was that wrong yeah it's all right yeah now well when you expect her back mr spokey um computer trace currently indicates that you are the holder of one husband well i'm not i see what i'll have my colleagues duly amend the record accordingly no then mrs poppy yes your husband's been a bit busy lately hasn't he he's been giving us the right run around he's a scumbag that's what he is he's he's a great big bag of scum that's going around in a big bag that's what he is he always has been in he always will be well got a husband i'm not married you can take the scum out of the bag but you can't take the bag out of the skull yeah boil in the bag scum that's what it is yeah my colleague may be putting it a little bit more forthrightly than i would myself uh mrs pope but then i like to think that's why we work so well together you see we complement each other really yes what's this you're looking very smart today oh thank you that's a very nice haircut is he teamwork now that mrs poppy this husband of yours a heaven's sake how many times do i have to tell you i haven't got an husband well 25. excuse me just for a moment what she's got to tell us 25 times that she hasn't got a husband what's for every day in the week all right and once for every year he's gonna spend inside the scumbag look i don't know who you are but why you want to speak to a husband i haven't got but i'm telling you oh i assure you we don't want to speak to him oh don't you no no no no no i'll speak to him no i think perhaps you've been watching a little bit too much television mrs popey oh whatever the point is i haven't got a husband and therefore do you think it's possible that you could have come to the wrong house no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no we've already been there where the wrong house we've just come from the wrong house that's right my colleague says he's substantially correct mrs father we have indeed just come from the wrong house so uh your argument doesn't really stand up no that argument just falls straight over yeah just lies there yeah yeah well since you claimed to be alone in the house mrs popey i'm sure you won't mind if we have a quick look around how quick oh very quick very quick i assure you well help yourself i didn't know they didn't oh well it did actually just whatever you do don't wake up my son oh oh i beg your pogba oh yeah so do i yes i beg it as well my son is asleep upstairs and i'd rather you didn't wake him now just a moment mrs popey just one moment whoa there boy whoa your son but you told us you didn't have a husband well i haven't mrs bobby we may be stupid but we're not clever how can you have a son if you haven't got a husband that sounds rather miraculous to me he was a sailor i was in the navy was he no the nat west yeah well we'll leave that for the moment remember somebody oh this uh this putative son of yours now you say that [Laughter] can you say that uh he's upstairs yes he's asleep what tired is he i'm not surprised he's tired of the merry dance he's been leading us yeah very merry dance who's led us yeah right gay gavin i'm so merry i think it's all the same with you mrs popey you better ask this son of yours to come downstairs and answer a few questions only if you promised to leave as soon as you finished i assure you mrs popey we should leave just as soon as we finish being here oh a charming super delightful woman yes yes and rather a fabulous taste in decor oh i agree i agree entirely yes hmm furnishing and fitments are very well exactly what do you see look i mean look at these sofa coverings they're lovely durable yeah probably washable yeah just bring them in the machine yeah yeah i'll take them off the sofa first did i not make that clear no yes take him off the sidewalk unless of course you've got a very big machine yeah yeah or a very small sofa oh yeah i i i think we've taken it very well well this is it you see too well well i didn't i didn't want to mention it but yeah maybe she's taking it too well yeah yeah this is my son william yeah um oh you've been a bit of a naughty boy with him ask him what he's done with the stuff yeah why are you jumping the staff scumbag you know corrosive lump of fecal horror you maniac bastardly turd i would rather drink stale urine from norman fowler's ass pit then remain one moment more in your defiling company your filth your cack you're the ooze of a burst boil i abominate you you towering mound of corrupted slime your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat your face is fuller than the unwiped inner ring of satan's rectum have a cream slice extraordinary absolutely extraordinary i would say that our house would have been uh right about here and therefore the front door would have been over there just where that branch of safeway's is but of course all this would have been our garden and uh yes i can remember the day that my dog hamper died uh border collie with the loveliest laughter it was the saddest day of my life my father insisted he actually was dead i could hardly believe it harsh lesson learnt young anyway part of the process of grieving of course is burial so i would have buried hamper i suppose round about here in fact yes hello you know there's been a lot of stuff in the news recently about the rise of fascism it's the next big thing they say but what exactly is fascism uh what kind of music do fascists listen to uh what do they wear are there clubs you can go to well now kevin you're a bit of an old fascist from way back tell me what's it all about well i suppose the first thing that got me into fascism was the uniform right have you got your uniform with you at all well i'm wearing it now oh that's it is it yeah it's comfortable it's hard wearing and i just i don't know i just think i look good in it you do kevin you look absolutely fabulous yeah if i was homosexual i'd want to buy you a drink at the very least thanks if i was homosexual i'd have a point of lager as it is are like birds me too right now we've got um we've got someone on the line i think it's anna hello anna are you there hello anna hi what's up what's your question for kevin uh kevin um could you give my mom away certainly yeah what's your what's your question for kevin anna uh kevin uh what sort of music do you listen to yeah now that's quite a good question actually anna yeah kevin what is what is your bag what's your thing what's your scene what's your i suppose what anna's really asking is what kind of music do you listen to oh uh well it's all sorts really anna a military music marching bands and a lot of argh now yeah because ghost hitler liked the lesson well absolutely yeah does that answer your question anna well yeah cheers love now for those of you watching at home it's worth pointing out that hitler was was quite a big name in the fascism business way back in the early 70s was it not earlier than that even earlier than that she's like right in there at the beginning like a kind of elvis figure yeah yeah that's really easy now now tell me something about hillary cause there's been a lot of stuff written about him you know a lot of magazine profiles what kind of guy was he do oh he was a wild guy and uh a little bit strict in it yeah i've heard that i've heard you like he'll really like to live out there on the edge oh absolutely that's really interesting did he have a philosophy at all was it was he a john lennon kind of guy well i suppose that the uh supremacy of the aryan race was his sort of inspiration yeah and a sort of segregational kind of thing racial pure racism purity all that sort of stuff yeah but it was tragically he died didn't it yeah i'm afraid so yeah what was it was it drugs i think i heard no he shot himself oh he shot himself oh that's really sad yeah watching the tv and uh this news reader had the most blissful coffee because we've actually tracked this clip down this blooper and i believe that mr director up in the gallery has got it laced up and ready to roll um yes i can confirm he has the local news at 10 33 and a bit good evening the main story tonight yes uh the main story tonight ronald satterthwaite of skipton announced that the oyster scene [Applause] [Laughter] oh and you you fear you actually saw that actually did indeed stephen yes i i understand that there was a happy ending to the story the news reader was rushed to hospital but was found to be dead on arrival which is nice which is nice i got to ask you something go ahead are you sleeping with my wife what i said are you i heard what you said so you got what the hell kind of a question is that are you sleeping with my wife are you gonna answer hell no hell no hell no it's a dumb question are you sleeping with my wife is a dumb question damn right so so what so are you sleeping with me don't ask me that don't ask me that dumb question that means yes what the hell means yes don't ask me that dumb question he's yes what the hell's the matter with you you haven't answered my question i ask you a question you have an answer right i'm sitting there i'm eating my dinner i'm eating my dinner and you're starting with these dumb questions if you're sleeping with my wife what i'll kill you what the hell are you gonna do you'll kill me yeah you'll kill your own brother yeah i'll kill my own friend well relax i ain't sleeping with your wife you prove that prove what can you prove you're not sleeping with my wife how the hell am i gonna prove that to you huh what would be nice maybe if you believe me when i tell you something instead of stopping with all these dumb questions okay okay what okay i believe you believe me yeah well thank you i can eat my dinner now sure okay are you sleeping with my sister what i said are you sleeping oh no why the men wait a minute you're my brother right right so your sister is my sister what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean you're my brother right so your sister is also my sister we have the same sister you need so what something so jesus you're asking if i'm sleeping with my own sister are you is that are you sleeping with your sister what am i doing what am i doing sitting here listening to all this modern spaghetti spaghetti ballinges yeah i know i get all this for what wow fame you shut your mouth shut your mouth all right sleep with my own sister jesus are you sleeping with my mother that's it one more word i am one you know what you and your dumb questions whose dumb questions i ask a question come on you hear this huh you know this this he's given me what i ask a question is all both of my boys they just adore new regatta sauce are you sleeping with my brother

Channel: Forestechoes Piano Corner

Views: 577,328

Keywords: Forestechoes Piano Corner, bbc, sketch show, comedy, british comedy, best bits, funny, hilarious, english comedy, season 2, best of, funny sketches, season 1, season 3, season 4, a bit of fry and laurie, a bit of fry and laurie best bits, some of a bit of fry and laurie, policeman, hugh laurie, stephen fry, fry and laurie, fry & laurie, a bit of fry & laurie, italians, mr smear, the sas, silhouette, smelly, hugh laurie smelly

Id: fAe8-rh-xjE

Length: 45min 45sec (2745 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 29 2020