How to Take the Ultimate Revenge on a Narcissist/ Don't Fight or Argue and Do This Instead

today we're going to be talking about the only true way to avenge and revenge the narcissist [Music] so if you've been searching around the internet listening to podcasts about narcissism narcissistic abuse how to get revenge on a narcissist doesn't everybody want to get revenge on a narcissist who's lied to you who's cheated on you who smeared your name it's a natural response to want to push back when someone pushes you it's a natural response when you begin to realize that you've been stalked online or you've been lied about behind your back or that there have been a bunch of flying monkeys in your experience and you didn't even know that these people were flying monkeys it's very natural to want to like push someone back it's very natural when you begin to realize that you've been living with someone who has no interest in meeting you halfway who when you start to realize wait a minute this is stonewalling or wait a minute this is projection or wait a minute this is shift blaming wait a minute this is gaslighting wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute this is psychological abuse wait a minute you know i'm addicted to the narcissist's approval and i think that they know it i think they enjoy me chasing after their love you know when you start to realize that you've been dealing with someone who is narcissistic and your mind starts to like process what's happening especially when there's been infidelity especially when there's been pathological lying if there's been cheating or the narcissist has had a double life when you start to come out of the fog of narcissistic abuse it's very natural to have this angry response and to want to push back but it's important to remember a few things about a narcissist that make pushing back really not the best way to approach this and chances are you've seen videos and you've listened to podcasts where creators are asking you like not to avenge a narcissist and they share with you their opinions about how to get revenge on a narcissist and depending on who you're listening to you know that will really that really dictate the information that you get i wanted to throw my hat in the ring and share my experience with how i ultimately got what i believe was the ultimate revenge on a narcissist and the experiences that i had after that really allowed me to maintain my power and control over my life and improve my life so a couple of things that you have to remember about a narcissist is that a narcissist doesn't have the same sense of community or empathy that healthy people have what does that mean so a narcissist might understand empathy cognitively but they don't have the type of empathy experience that healthy people do so they don't have the same emotional response to when someone is hurt and so when they say something to you that hurts you or if they cheat on you or if there's if they're like blasting you on facebook after the discard right they don't have the same emotional response that a healthy person would which is why they're able to cross that line so a lot of people don't cross this you know invisible line because they know what it would feel like if they were the person on the receiving end of that blast or that abuse and that really helps us stay civilized and so we don't say certain things to people we don't expose certain truths about people we don't harass people online because we have the ability to imagine how that would feel and because we have that emotional response even though we might not like this person even though we may have had a tremendous falling out with this person even if this person has hurt us there's a line that a healthy person just doesn't cross that a narcissist will cross so when we're talking about avenge or revenging a narcissist it's really important to keep that in mind do you know someone lots of people know this person i know people like this but do you know someone in your life that you would absolutely never pull a prank on someone that you know that if you pulled a practical joke on them they would get you back and it would be a hundred times worse so you don't joke around with them you don't prank them right you don't do prank calls on them because you already know this person's coming for you this person whatever you put out there they're going to top it so you don't get into that arena with that person it's sort of like that with a narcissist you want to hurt a narcissist the narcissist is going to be able to hurt you 1 000 times worse than you could ever hurt them because they don't have the same um how do you say they don't have the same ability to hold themselves back from crossing that line that a healthy person has because they actually have an empathic response they actually have an emotional response to someone else's pain so because the narcissist doesn't have that saddle if you think about a horse right you're able to um guide a horse with whatever you these things are in the horse's mouth i forgot the name of them but you know what i mean you're able to navigate a horse and keep a horse in check you know with the saddle and you can hold the horse back so that's sort of what empathy does for a healthy human being it prevents us from hurting our brothers and sisters in humanity it also allows us to help people when they need help when 9 11 destroyed america right i'm a new yorker i saw the worst of humanity but i also saw the best of humanity so the empathy also allows us this emotional reaction we have to these people who lost their lives to these people whose families were affected right all of them because we have this emotional response and we can imagine what it feels like to be these people it helps us take care of one another it's really important you have to be careful when you want to hurt a narcissist when your mind goes to that place where i'm going to get them back because they're not going to have the same ability to hold themselves back from crossing that line than a healthy person does that's really really important really important so when you're thinking about taking revenge on a narcissist you have to understand what a narcissist wants the most a narcissist really works off intimidation it's the fear that you're not good enough it's scarcity i'm gonna leave you open your mouth again i'm gonna leave you keep talking like this we're gonna get a divorce you want me to walk out that door you want me to cheat on you you want me to cut you off financially you want me to cut you out of the will you want me to go to your boss and tell them what you really like you want me to expose you to to our friends and tell them what you really like behind closed doors it's this scarcity it's this fear that you're going to lose something it could be the love of the narcissist that the narcissist has worked very hard at getting you to become addicted to your brain is now psychologically addicted chemically addicted to this experience and even to the narcissistic abuse cycle so there is this psychological thing this biological and chemical vibrational spiritual emotional and cognitive addiction process that is truly taking you over below the veil of consciousness that's why i always talk about living either above the veil of consciousness or below the veil of consciousness consciousness happens in layers we can be highly conscious right now we can take out the vacuum in 15 minutes and start vacuuming we've vacuumed a thousand times before or depending on how often you vacuum you can vacuum lots of times before you don't really need to be highly conscious for that job and so your level of consciousness lowers and what happens all of a sudden your mind is thinking about things you're not really in control of it's just these thoughts you're seeping through the subconscious mind and if you're not careful you will be unaware that you're not very conscious and the aspect of your personality the ego will play with these ideas and run with them run with them even though you're not in control of them and so healing from narcissistic abuse and not getting caught up in a narcissist's pattern and cycle of abuse is really aided by your ability to raise your level of awareness and raise your level of consciousness so that you're you're not reacting to the fear so a narcissist wants you afraid essentially a narcissist wants to intimidate you a narcissist is working very very carefully carefully at creating phrases that make you think that there's something wrong with you right so there's fear behind that oh man maybe i am crazy or uh maybe he is right or maybe she is right or maybe i am negative or maybe it is my childhood i really don't have a great relationship with my mother so maybe this is why i'm insecure and i was cheated on the last relationship so maybe that's why i don't trust him now so it's the fear that you're crazy so think about it a narcissist is really working off your fear that's a source of narcissistic supply in the beginning of the relationship the supply was you adoring them you letting them control you you chasing after their their adoration of you you becoming addicted to them wanting to know everything about you you feeling seen right so they lift you up they get you hooked and then they start to slip and then the little comments start like you're eating that again i thought you were going to join a gym or did you really just say that all these little remarks start to happen that make you wonder am i losing his affection am i losing her affection oh no does she not like me anymore what is that that's fear that's scarcity the mind is always going to respond more strongly to losing something to this negative emotion and so a narcissist uses that to their advantage and so when we're talking about taking revenge on a narcissist you have to keep that in mind that their goal is to make you live in fear and it takes time because you have to face your internal fears you have to become more and more conscious of what it is that you're actually afraid of the ways that helps me think about this idea about how to get the ultimate revenge on a narcissist is i imagine a narcissist as a fire and fire needs oxygen to burn so fear is like oxygen with a narcissist we can talk from now until forever until the end of time as to about why a narcissist is a narcissist you know is it biological is it environmental is it you know due to the way a person is raised is it overpraised is it discard of a parent's love what's going on you know is it some brain issue why are why are people narcissist is it society is it social media what's happening we can have that discussion you know and we can have this discussion forever but i think what we need to focus on are some basic facts and once you understand these ideas it's so much easier to disengage when you first meet a narcissist you don't really understand that they're not about team they're not about a community they're about me myself and i period i am all about self-love but self-love not to the not if it means that i can't love anyone else so a narcissist loves themselves a narcissist loves themselves and has no love for anyone else not the type of love that allows growth that allows vulnerability it's the type of love that i will keep you around as long as you're good for me and as long as you're able to be there for me and as long as you don't take anything from me so it's sort of like this an exchange it's like a business arrangement with a narcissist and so when we understand that narcissists lack empathy they're not completely void of empathy they may even feel guilty about something that they've done but they quickly resolve it some of the things that i've seen people do is they resolve this guilt by saying yeah but she deserved it or yeah i shouldn't have done it but you know what i remember when she said this that when you're a healthy person and you do something that you're not proud of you might not immediately recognize that it's something you shouldn't have done you might you know have this natural defense to whatever happened but in time you think about everything and if you've done something and you feel guilty for it and you have processed it and you recognize you shouldn't have done it then you say you're sorry and this guilt helps you not do it in the future so you're actually becoming a better and better version of yourself all the time not so when we're talking about a narcissist narcissists generally don't change studies are proving that they're resistant to therapy that they're argumentative in therapy they think they're smarter than the therapist and they don't last in therapy long they quit in most cases and so when it comes to dealing with the narcissist let's try to keep in mind that a narcissist doesn't have the same sense of community same sense of we're a team it's all about the narcissist so and they don't have the empathy so in other words like they're going to cross that line so if you're going to play dirty with the narcissist they're going to win it's just like i said earlier like everybody has that friend that you know that you just don't joke around with don't pull a prank on that person because they're going to pull out all the stops to like get you back and get you back even worse so i made a list and i wanted to share it with you so what we're trying to do is we're trying to smolder this fire a narcissist is like a fire narcissist a fire needs oxygen to burn we're going to see that fear is that oxygen and control is another form of oxygen intimidation all of this lends to the narcissist supply the narcissist seeking supply from us right or from you and so let's talk about some of the things that we can do to get the ultimate revenge on a narcissist that's going to allow you to set yourself free and to really hold your power when you're able to let go and you're no longer attached to what the narcissist says you're no longer reacting out of fear you're no longer checking on the narcissist you're no longer worried about what the flying monkeys are saying you're no longer worried that you're no more attached right you're not attached and this is really what we're trying to go for we want to be able to hold on to ourselves in spite of what's happening around us to get to a point where once we recognize that we're dealing with narcissism that we basically say namaste i see it i get it and we detach from it and we don't want what's happening outside of us to affect us anymore i recognize how hard it is you have a narcissistic family you go no contact it's the holidays it's the birthdays it's your birthday it's your kids birthday it's your niece's birthday whatever you know and narcissistic families they can become like a cult they can become like gang they have this gang mentality you know where mom is the cult leader or mom is the you know the wicked witch and the siblings and the cousins and the aunts the uncles become flying monkeys it's so daunting when that's your family talk about abandonment trauma and feeling rejected you know it's tough the goal however is to be able to make peace with that because you're protecting yourself and you're not in the spirit of anger and hostility although there's something something to be said this is this comes up in my coaching group sometimes on occasion where people say to me lisa please don't ask me to let go of my anger because it's the only thing that's keeping my nose above the water line i get it in that situation by all means you might have to hold on to your anger the anger is allowing you to say push back mom push back dad i don't care what you have to say i don't care what you have to say i i was there for a while i was there for a while i went it's like melody beatty talks about the pendulum swinging to the other side where i was you know i walked around my tail between my legs you know i i didn't say much at the kitchen table with my family you know i was afraid that they might say something i knew that they had these ridiculous opinions of me and i was afraid if i opened my mouth that i was going to get jumped on i mean my shoulders just came up right i didn't even realize it was happening but this is the way i used to live you know with my family members and so when my life fell apart and i have to work it relaxing my shoulders when my life fell apart i got divorced and my family they did they turned on me this is not me playing the victim this is just a fact okay when they walked away from me and basically told me we're not going to be there for you we think it's you we don't think it's him well they became flying monkeys and that's when i was like i'm done so the pendulum went from walking around with my tail between my legs too you know what you got you guys can all scratch you know what and leave me the heck alone i need to take care of my kids and i need to survive and your negativity is bringing me down i could hardly breathe right now and so i held on to the anger and that really helped me stay safe so i get that hopefully hopefully if you're in this space and you're hearing this message what you're hearing me say is the anger is valid the the natural desire to want to take revenge on a narcissist even that's valid but it's not going to work out well and the ultimate goal although it's not the goal for everyone who because there are some people that absolutely need to hold on to that anger depending on what happened in their life what happened in their life will dictate whether or not they need to hold on to anger maybe forever and that's not for me to judge that's not for you to judge that's for us to accept that that's what that person is and that's what that person needs however there are people who want to and feel that part of their process which is necessary is to release anger and to live a non-attached life to what's happening outside of them perhaps you even may recognize that a narcissist and experience with a narcissist can teach you something about non-attachment it can teach you about not attaching to things outside of you that you can't control like what someone else thinks about you like putting your sense of self outside of you which is something that you can't control this is never a good goal this is what codependency is all about needing someone else to validate me so that i feel good about myself the co-dependent will rescue a co-dependent will people please a co-dependent is very agreeable a codependent in most cases lives in denial a codependent does not know what she feels or what he feels attract people who are generally bullies who have high narcissistic traits who are self-centered who are demanding who are critical and the codependent struggles with the sense of self and fawns and enables this toxic situation and manages the emotions of the narcissist rather than understanding the what's really happening to them the consequence and what they're losing in this relationship so they're managing the emotions of the narcissist in lieu of taking care of themselves a lot a lot of codependents don't even realize they're doing that they don't end relationships this is a problem and so you might be someone who's realizing that oh wow you know i'm at a point in my life where i'm realizing that i don't need other people's approval to have a sense of self that i am enough just as i am i might have things to work on i'm not perfect no one's perfect i'm a work in progress and i have certain challenges and maybe i do need to work on certain things personally i think we all do we all have to work on ourselves that's the whole purpose of being here becoming better versions of ourself not better versions of of ourselves so we feel better than other people right just better versions of ourselves and i'm not talking about the way that we look i talk about the i'm talking about the way that we show up in our lives are we being authentic are we authentic with other people what are we doing with our life that's what i'm talking about so maybe you're someone who's realizing like wow this relationship has taught me that i really need to worry more about what i think about me than what other people think about me be careful of social media social media is designed to get you to worry about people think about you so be careful be very very careful how you use it be very very careful about social media reinforcing your sense of self no bueno that's not good pay attention the last thing that you want is to have a co-dependent relationship with instagram a codependent relationship with facebook the last thing you want so be careful about that but let's say you're someone who's realizing like wow you know i'm i can use this relationship to my advantage because it can help me realize where my attachments are it can help me recognize what i'm giving my power over to it can help me realize where i am codependent it can help me realize where i place other people the value of what other people think about me over the value of what i think about me i had a coaching session recently with someone who told me that her husband hated the people at this club but they were rather uppity and he wanted to be part of the uppity crowd so even though he couldn't stand these people he pretended to be like these people and even though he was a narcissist he fond and he love bombed these people so that they accepted him so this fed this feeds his narcissism and this is the way narcissism works right this he became able to convince these people he was one of them now he thinks he's better than other people because he's part of the in crowd right it's nonsense so a narcissist is very much addicted and reliant to what's happening outside of them so a healing codependent or anyone who has like been kicked out of this narcissistic abuse cycle has the ability to look at it that way wow the narcissist is attached to the matrix in this dysfunctional way the narcissist is attached to me stalking me threatening me flying monkeys investigating my facebook page and my linkedin profile talking to my boss writing negative reviews the narcissist is actually attached to me look at this and all of their flying monkeys you know i don't want to be that person i don't want to resonate with this energy anymore that that very much helped me when i was recovering from codependency it helped me realize oh lisa what are you attaching to when i heard that this was being said and that was being said and that was being written or whatever it was was like okay wow you just had a very strong emotional reaction to something that you can't control can you let these people think what they want to think without jumping in that was challenging and so i also had to learn to do that in my first marriage when my first marriage fell apart i had this locker room moment where back in the day i had a flip phone and i got bombarded with text messages i mean you're nothing you're this you're that all these horrible names that i was called and ordinarily i'd be like oh god again another text message and i want to want to go back right like this is ridiculous what's wrong with you i'm at work i got to work i got a food on the table for the kids you can't keep harassing me this is ridiculous and i would try to convince this person that what he was doing was wrong and one day it just hit me you gotta let go you gotta let go the greatest revenge i got on my on my ex narcissist was closing the phone was i went shati shotty i went silent crickets crickets crickets the text messages still came the email still came but i decided to not respond i realized that my response to the narcissist was the oxygen that was fanning the flames and so the best revenge and sometimes it takes a while for them to let go but the best revenge that you can give someone who wants you to pay attention to them that you know is a narcissist is to ignore them and to work on your fear level and to not allow the narcissist to throw you into fear so i wrote a list so let's get to the list the first thing you want to do is you want to withdraw any contact that you have with them so that means that you go no contact right and you block them you block them on whatsapp you block them on linkedin twitter facebook instagram wherever you can block the narcissist you have to block them and i also think you should consider blocking their flying monkeys because flying monkeys are enablers okay flying monkeys absolutely will come out of the woodwork they'll call you up how you doing right how are you they just want you to start talking about the narcissist why so they can go they can turn around and go tell the narcissist what you said about them this whole interaction is about about narcissistic supply so be careful about who you talk to especially when you're going no contact because a flying monkey is coming for you in most cases the narcissist is going to send out their feelers right these little parasites and the narcissists will send out these flying monkeys and use them to get information from you okay about your status about where you work whatever is going on okay so it's important that you think about that so do not speak to the flying monkeys don't speak to anyone associated with the narcissist be very careful a flying monkey could be in your office a flying monkey could talk to your boss a flying monkey could talk to someone that you know on facebook they can infiltrate your facebook friends and they can start trying to talk to them about you oh i was so concerned about stacy i heard her and mark broke up you know i just want you to know that i'm here for her please let her know that i'm here for her and your other friend just starts blabbing to this flying monkey about about your relationship status about what's going on with you so be careful make sure that anyone that you trust knows do not speak to anyone about me ever ever anyone starts snooping around talking to you about me you let me know and for the record i don't want you giving any personal information about me to anyone that must be understood sometimes you have to go that far so um return their items so i don't say get pack their stuff up in a car and drop it off at their house that's not what i'm saying you pack it up you send it to them in the mail return receipt requested or you have someone else return it i had one client who got a locker for a month a warehouse unit for a month put the stuff in there and then sent this person an email and said you have 30 days to go pick up your stuff i paid for the storage unit if it's not cleared within one month i'm not paying for the unit anymore signed notarized notarized statement to this person so that in the event that the narcissist turns around says she put all my stuff or he put all my stuff in this unit and the unit cleared it out oh no no no no dear one you were notified you knew where it was okay i would also check your state laws because sometimes there are some well there's some finicky laws where you're not allowed to move someone's property out of your home especially if they live there so please check with your local authorities when it comes to moving the narcissist stuff which has energy out of your home so be careful about that okay you may need to disengage from groups that you belong to so let's say you and your narcissist went to the same yoga class or you went to the same painting class and the narcissist was friendly with these other people you might need to disengage completely from that yoga class or that painting class you might need to find a completely different yoga class remember what we're trying to do is create this lack of oxygen when it comes to the narcissist so if you think about all the tentacles or or all the chords that a narcissist has had to your personal life you want to starve the narcissist of this oxygen or of these lifelines so you might need to go join a different group and find a different community of people that don't include these flying monkeys flying monkeys can be like a gang member they are they see the narcissist as their leader and they can take on this cult-like or gang-like mentality when it comes to the person who has fallen out of the narcissist's graces so that might be something that you need to think about right the best advice i can give you if you want to take revenge on a narcissist is to end the relationship as quickly and as swiftly as possible and to not answer text messages if you're in the middle of a divorce you have you have an attorney have your attorney handle whatever needs to get handled with your narcissist attorney if things are going on with the kids you don't have to have well it depends it depends on the age of the children but if you have children that are old enough where you don't have to have any interaction with the narcissist whatsoever make sure that your children know that it's inappropriate for their other parent to talk about you especially in a negative way and they have the right to say i'd rather not discuss mom or i'd rather not discuss dad allow them to set a boundary so if you're going to talk poorly about mom or poorly about dad i'm really i'd rather go home now it's an it's another session because we can talk about where this conversation goes when a child a teenage child sets a boundary with the narcissistic parents my son was left in the street a number of times as was my daughter when they confronted their dad literally he asked them to leave leave get out of the truck because my son i was dating someone at the time and he bought my son a hero after football practice my ex-husband came to pick him up and when my son got in the car and said where'd he said to my son where'd you get the hero from and my son told him mom's boyfriend and my ex-husband actually kicked him out of the truck so and my son 16 years old was crying that his dad rejected him and put him out of put him out of the truck and refused to spend time with him on their scheduled visitation and so that's another conversation to have but when we're talking about how to take revenge on a narcissist let's say in that situation the worst thing i could have done was call him up and harass him you know and tell him what a horrible father he was because that's what he wanted he kicked my son out of the car he hurt my son because he was so immature and he felt he took the fact that i was dating and the fact that this man bought my son a hero after football practice he took it so personally you know that he had to hurt my son and reject my son and hope that it hurt me as well and it did of course it destroyed me that my son was 16 years old and crying because his dad kicked him out of the car that's a terrible thing to do to a child right reject them like that over what why we're divorced you know and this is what happens when people get divorced they move on but the worst thing that i could have done was to call my ex-husband and represent to him and give him the benefit of me falling apart and being so hurt that he could do this to our child he did not have the empathy for our child that i had what will happen sometimes too in a relationship with the narcissist is you start to think that you're the crazy one because they seem so okay all the time and you end up being the one that's complaining all the time you're the one that's like going into therapy they're like i don't know i don't know why you're so upset i'm happy you need therapy going to therapy lisa i don't feel crazy you feel crazy obviously you're the unhappy one you're the one with anxiety so you should go into therapy the narcissist is happy as a pig in the mud nothing's wrong because in their head they're never wrong in their head you're wrong in their head you are less than them they're not interested in meeting you halfway so they don't have any really conflicts they don't have any conflicts you have the conflict because you're trying to meet them halfway and you're bumping up against a rock and you're frustrated and psychologically you're thinking that you should be on the same page but the person you're dealing with has no interest in being on the same page right so they feel okay that's why i think the statistics on npd are so so low because in order to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder your life has to feel pretty dysregulated and my experience both professionally and personally is that narcissists really don't feel disregulated they think that they're perfect they think everybody else is the problem so unless a narcissist gets to a point where they feel like their life is unmanageable or they start to realize they're really having some serious problems with people and relationships they don't seek therapy everybody else around them needs therapy they're kids even the dog the dog needs therapy i mean the birds the birds the fish everybody needs therapy but the narcissist right isn't that interesting isn't that interesting and so the worst thing that you can do when a narcissist lashes out especially if they hurt your children is to let the narcissist know just how much your children were hurt and you were hurt by the fact that they hurt your children and so my best advice although i know it's not easy is to learn how to have that locker room moment have that flip phone moment where you just go no more i'm done i'm not going to respond i'm not giving you oxygen even if i am upset i'm going to be upset in the bedroom i'm going to go take a bath i'm going to go journal about it i'm going to talk to my therapist about her i'm going to talk to my life coach about it i'm going to go to a support group i am not letting the narcissist know just how upset i am about this situation and so that really is the best way to avenge and take revenge on a narcissist the ultimate revenge is really to move forward in your life and to be happy in spite of the narcissistic relationship if you're like most people and you've had you've come from dysfunctional backgrounds and your relationship history is colorful and you've attracted more than one narcissist in your life or more than one problematic especially cluster b personality which i have done my whole life until i was 45 and met my husband anthony um if you're like me you're not going to have an easy time of relationships if you come from a dysfunctional background and that's because of the subconscious patterns that's because we are trying to heal from the past and so if rejection was part of our past we may be someone who is trying to recreate or at least heal the past through this repeat experience so we are in relationships with people who reject us and the little inner child in us is thinking this time i'm going to get it right this person that i love so much is ultimately going to see me i'm going to finally be able to get through to them and i'm going to feel like i'm good enough and finally i'll have that bonding experience that i've always wanted i've craved my whole life it doesn't work it doesn't work because the hole in you attracts a person with a hole in them the difference is a narcissist will exploit your wounds and take from you whereas people who are more codependent will give to the narcissist and have empathy for the narcissist they will not cross the line and they will stay stuck rather than set a boundary these are relationship dynamics to ultimately be aware of it's also important to note that you don't have to be a codependent to manifest a difficult dysfunctional relationship narcissists are very clever they are con artists whether it's a female narcissist who uses her sexuality and her looks primarily to lure men in or to lure partners in or it's a narcissistic man who is really very charismatic and concerned about his success in the world and and having other people think he's all that it doesn't matter when you're dealing with a narcissist they can be very charming and their personalities can be fun when you first meet them because they're so confident they're so secure with themselves in most cases i'm not talking about a vulnerable narcissist a vulnerable narcissist hooks you in with the woe is me story but a charismatic confident narcissist they're fun to be around and it could really get you excited and so you can get hooked and you can get bonded with someone that you believe really is this person that they represent themselves to be and it will be awesome for a while right the relationship will be exciting it'll be awesome right you'll feel seen it'll be amazing it'll be romantic but in time in time you'll notice that when the narcissist starts to get bored with you when they can't it's like it's like they're coming down right like ah i don't want to idealize her anymore ugh you know what i saw this little hair coming out of her nose like i'm totally turned off by her like this isn't fun anymore like what the narcissist doesn't have hair in their nose i think not pray tell of course they do but it just takes the slightest thing for a narcissist to be bored with you and once they're bored with you that's when they start putting you down that's when they start to devalue you and eventually they'll discard you unless they keep you around while they're gaining sources of narcissistic supply outside of them right outside of the relationship but these are things that we need to be aware of and when you're in the throes of a narcissistic relationship you're caught up in this addictive cycle you're caught up in the trauma bond you're caught up with being afraid that the narcissist doesn't like you anymore or afraid that the narcissist thinks you're crazy or you're afraid that you're crazy you know this person is so awesome and so charismatic and you don't want to lose you know your experience with him or with her because what are you going to lose then you lose all these amazing people the narcissist knows so it's the fear again it's the scarcity that's going to trigger you it's going to be the halo effect that that convinces you that this person is awesome that creates a cognitive bias in you and then you're going to end up having cognitive dissonance and then go into backwards rationalization and pain versus pleasure and fear you're not going to want to lose what the narcissist has represented especially if the narcissist has spent a lot of time creating this false fantasy this future fantasy where things are going to be great between the two of you right now you have to let go of that too this is not easy stuff to pull yourself away from but i just hope that this session where we're talking about what's the best way to revenge a narcissist and a vengeance narcissist is really to withdraw is to take the oxygen away from them and to focus on yourself and to learn how to disengage with flying monkeys to learn how to be okay that for a time you're going to spend time in the hot seat where flying monkeys are going to be drunk on their narcissism and they're going their egos are going to be inflated because they're able to gain graces of the with the narcissist and so they're going to run back to them and so there's going to be a time where you're going to have to sit in the hot seat and it's going to be really really uncomfortable but if you can go non-resistance if you can be non-resistant to this hot seat experience if you can see this is an opportunity for you to be less codependent and less reactive to people that you can't control it might help you see the value of the sacrifice the sacrifice is not reacting to things you can't control the sacrifice is really understanding where you are and what you've been through and recognizing that holding onto yourself blocking them on social media moving if you have to move getting your phone checked disengaging from the flying mark the monkeys you know setting up boundaries with family blocking everything on social media that you think is private and no one should know about keeping everything about you sacred that's the sacrifice that you make in order to be free the ultimate revenge on a narcissist is you recovering and you getting to a point where in spite of what happened in spite of all of these negative experiences you manifest a loving relationship anyway it's possible the more you heal the more possible that becomes in life one of the greatest lessons that you can take away is that you have to learn how to control and accept what you can control and to let go of what you can't control your energy must go towards things and situations and experiences that you can rationally logically control can you control whether or not you block that person absolutely can you control whether or not this person talks smack about you online no can you control whether or not the flying monkeys try to speak to you well it depends on what you're willing to do are you willing to block them then you can control whether or not they can get in touch with you can you control bumping into someone at a yoga studio that is a flying monkey no you're already bumped into them can you control whether or not you talk to them yes can you control whether or not they go back to the narcissist and talk crap about you no you can't those are things that you can't control but if you make a list make a list get your notebook i make lists all the time make a list what can i control versus what i can't control then you be very very smart okay live above the veil of consciousness remember a narcissist lives below the veil of consciousness they're reacting to the ego they're very dense they're they're part of the physical plane right and they don't they don't resolve this stuff in this lifetime they stay in this dense dense body and so if you want to no longer be on the same vibrational plane as a narcissist then you have to live above the veil so that means that you have to think logically and cognitively and rationally and one of the best ways that you can do that is literally think about what you can control versus what you can't control and flow all of your attention and all of your focus towards what you can control so that means you recognize that this this is going on but your eye is here you can still hear it right you can steer but your eyes are here it's focused on what you can control and if you keep going if you keep going if you keep going the narcissist is going to run out of steam and the narcissist is sad but the narcissists will find other sources of narcissistic supply but you can only control what you can control and your power is in inner child work is in recovery is in codependency healing codependency recovery is in moving in a direction that really speaks to who you are in an authentic way you cannot have an authentic relationship with the narcissist because they don't have the ability to be authentic and to be real with you or to be fair with you and so it's time to make a bucket list it is time to set goals it is time to understand what you need to sacrifice in order to get where you want to get you're going to spend time in the hot seat but i can tell you that in time if you focus more on what you can control this will start to fade away do what you have to do to set yourself free know that the narcissist is going to act like a two-year-old know that the narcissist is going to want to pull you in the mud just refuse to take the bait don't argue with the narcissist don't fight with a narcissist and whatever you do don't panic make sure that you understand that their fuel is your fear work on focusing on what you can control and guess what you're gonna have less fear in your life and you're going to have less narcissism in your life too namaste everybody my name is lisa romano the breakthrough life coach and best-selling author and if you'd like to listen to one of my books for free all you have to do is click one of the links in the description box if you would like to participate in my 12-week break the coaching program i now have two versions of the class i have an on-demand version that you can register for at half a half off and you can begin immediately or you can wait for a live launch in which i moderate the class myself along with a team of life coaches the choice is yours namaste everybody i bow to the love and the light that is absolutely in you and remember if all you do in this lifetime is find your light and learn to let it shine as hokey pokey as it sounds that will be enough our job is to better and better and better and better ourselves each and every day so that doesn't mean we're looking for perfection we understand that we're a work in progress we understand that it's our job to focus on ourselves and to do what we can to become the best version of ourselves and as we do that we want we learn to love ourselves more in a more fair and authentic way and guess what we're able to love others in a more fair and authentic way too it's a win-win namaste everybody until next time be careful out there and don't forget to thank bye for now if you love this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz there are plenty of narcissists who are chameleons and who will treat people on the outside better than they do their own family

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 549,828

Rating: 4.8853793 out of 5

Keywords: how to take revenge on a narcissist, dont fight or argue with a narcissist, why you should not take revenge, how to hurt the narcissist, how to make a narcissist panic, narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, gaslighting, personality disorder, flying monkey, healing after narcissistic abuse, improve your self esteem after narcissistic abuse, lisa a romano, how to get revenge on a narcissist, how to take the ultimate revenge on a narcissist, revenge on a narcissist

Id: gUMzUgFLRtE

Length: 49min 55sec (2995 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 01 2020