SHUT DOWN The Narcissist With THESE 20 KEY PHRASES (Disarm The Narcissist Today)| Lisa Romano

so today we're going to be talking about the 20 key phrases that you can use to disarm and shut down a narcissist [Music] make sure you stay tuned to the end of the video where i give you five key phrases that you can use with a narcissistic mom or a narcissistic parent so to begin this video it's important that we recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum and narcissists in a nutshell are people who lack empathy for you who feel entitled to exploit you emotionally so when we're talking about you know how do i know that you know someone actually is a narcissist you're going to be looking for patterns you're going to look for people or patterns in people where you notice that there's an inability to take accountability you're going to notice that a narcissist tends to lie a narcissist tends to shift blame right so their hand is caught in the cookie jar and they're saying nope not me you're crazy that's not my hand that's not even a cookie right and your left leg scratching your head a narcissist if you're in a relationship with the narcissist narcissist a romantic relationship they are known to have affairs they do feel entitled to have affairs not all narcissists cheat um a co an an overt narcissist is more likely to cheat than a vulnerable narcissist but a vulnerable narcissist can also cheat they'll just blame you for why they're cheating it'll be because there's something about you that they couldn't trust and you know you didn't love them anyway so that's what gave them the right to cheat so if you're in love with a narcissist it's not uncommon for a narcissist to be unfaithful when it comes to narcissism like i said you're looking for patterns you're looking for this grandiose sense of self where they really do see themselves as better than more significant than other people so they will name drop they will put other people down they don't treat people that can do nothing for them very well a narcissist will treat people well if you are someone that can offer them something if you have a large network and you can help a narcissist advance their career narcissists might love bomb you in a way to make sure that they can get in within your graces so that you can actually do something for them you're not seen as an autonomous person who has feelings and who has emotions and who has a right to not even want to be with them not even like them your experience of a narcissist is going to be in the beginning it might not be obvious right in the beginning you will you may feel charmed by someone you may feel sorry for a narcissist that has a sob story but i think what you'll notice over time is that there is this lack of ability to take accountability there is this grandiose sense of self or self of importance so they're people that feel within their right to cut the line they feel the right they feel within their right to step on people to get where they want to get they are people who feel comfortable when other people are uncomfortable they tend to be high conflict personalities meaning that they're the type of people that find a problem wherever they go and it's never their fault they never recognize like wow i'm a common denominator think about your friend who gets thrown out of every health club she joins or he joins right just can't get along with with the members feels entitled rushes people out of out of the the showers or demands that his bill be looked at before everyone else's bill that type of um entitlement right but this is going to be something that you see over time because everybody has a bad day right everybody's going to have a bad moment everyone's going to be reactive we're human beings we are more subconscious than we are conscious we have an amygdala we have a limbic system that reacts to stress we're not perfect we're here to evolve none of us were born perfect part of being a human being means that you are more unconscious or subconscious than you are conscious which means that you are more tethered to your ego and survival than you are enlightenment or any ability to see a situation that you're in outside of ego that has to be something that you work for enlightenment doesn't just show up you know recovery just doesn't show up you first recognize that there's a problem and then you set achievable goals and you reach those goals and then you gain wisdom you gain knowledge and your behavior changes and you eventually get to a point where you realize that there was really very little to gain by being reactive and living a subconscious life so when you're dealing with a narcissist you're dealing with someone who's not self-aware you're dealing with someone who doesn't want to be self-aware you're dealing with somebody who rebukes any sense of blame right they don't want it they don't want you to feel make them feel guilty you're dealing with somebody who enjoys literally enjoys hurting other people where this idea that you're squirming in your seat and they're making you feel uncomfortable and that when they're persecuting you when you find out that they've been triangulating you or smearing their name the fact that you are uncomfortable that you're crying about this that you're begging for their approval that you're begging them to understand how they hurt you this is all a source of narcissistic supply and it's like if you think about a battery that's really low the more of a supply the more of a reaction than a narcissist is able to get out of you then that's their their battery has been charged but so you're looking for this type of a pattern in someone over time right and there are extreme narcissists and malignant narcissists there are narcissists that will do very terrible things to you hopefully you don't bump into anyone like that and hopefully you're dealing with the more garden snake variety narcissist who does has no clue that they're a narcissist and who has no clue that they use people who has no clue that they feel entitled right because when you're entitled you know that's a mindset people owe you you're the boss around town everybody doesn't know it but they will they will soon when you're a narcissist they have the right to walk into any store and demand that the cashier take them first and listen to them and do things their way i was in a staples store yesterday and this this man had a fit when the person asked him to punch in his phone number for his rewards i'm not doing this your way i have to do things my way now there's some truth to what he's saying that he doesn't have to at his phone number but then he went on on to demand that he get extra points for something that he wasn't entitled to and then he ridiculed the the way the woman looked behind the register and then he went and he ridiculed the second person the manager that came that showed up right he was belligerent he was obstinate he was arrogant he was self-righteous it was just a mess and it all unfolded in about seven or eight minutes it was just absolutely amazing to watch you know how he totally flipped the script on something so innocent as please punch in your phone number if you want to get your awards how he totally used that to abuse the cashiers and to ask for more very very interesting to observe so this is something you know even maybe you or i could have a bad moment like that but if you know someone where these moments are ongoing they never end you might be dealing with somebody who is more narcissistic than they are anything else so i hope you're ready because i've gone to work and i've created a list of 20 key phrases that you can use to shut down a narcissist the last key phrases are going to be the types of things that you can say to a narcissistic mom right somebody who is trying to make you feel guilted right so that's those are going to be the last five statements so the first five statements have to do with avoiding a conversation with the narcissist altogether so the first thing that you want to say to a narcissist is you are entitled to your faulty perception of me so when you say to a narcissist you are entitled to feel how you feel you're entitled to your perception of me what you're doing is you're releasing any attachment to trying to to try to convince them that you are not who they think you are when you're dealing with a narcissist you're dealing with someone who has created a false self and part of this fantasy is that they have a version of you that is not real it's part of the fantasy and so when the narcissist was idealizing you then their perception of you was awesome as you begin to push back on a narcissist not so much so they lacked up they lack object constancy so a narcissist is not going to be able to see someone as being able to be difficult or to confront them and not be a terrible person right so you know in everyday life when you're married when you have children you are confronted by this person you know when you do things that they're not they don't like that you do which is a normal day-to-day thing and when you're dealing with a healthy person if you're doing something to annoy them they tell you and they ask you to please stop and if you're healthy oh you listen to that and because this person has proved to you that they have the ability to respect you you negotiate that right but you negotiate knowing that you both have the same ground you can't negotiate if you don't know what you want right it doesn't make any sense so when people negotiate in a relationship it's because they want the same thing they want to be on the same page right so if you have a history with someone and you know that this person and you want the same thing you want to be seen you want to be valued you want to come at this relationship in a mutual loving way you're willing to negotiate when your spouse says hey you know when you're cracking your gum and watching tv that's kind of annoying can you cut it out oh okay i can see that didn't mean to upset you right because you both have the same goal when you say to a narcissist you're entitled to your faulty perception of me you liberate yourself you're you've been kicked out of the narcissistic paradigm the societal paradigm which says you have to follow my rule you have to follow the crowd you have to be a sheep right you have to be subordinate to me you're saying no i don't you can have your faulty perception of me and i'm okay with that which is a very liberating thing to say especially if you mean it second thing i'm not responsible for your reality of me or this situation so what you're doing is you're saying to someone with high narcissistic traits that you understand that you two don't see this the same way and as far as you're concerned that's okay when it comes to people with high narcissistic traits they want to feel tethered to you so it's like there's this link between you and them right it's almost like a caller to them right and they want you if they yank you to the left they want you to go left if they yank you right you want to go right so one of the manipulative tools that a narcissist use and i think it's probably their greatest tool is trying to get you to believe that you are responsible for how they see you right because if your responsible for how they see you you stay on this treadmill trying to convince this narcissist that this situation isn't what they think it is so think about how often times a narcissist accuses you of cheating of having a girlfriend or having a boyfriend or loving a past lover more than you love them right think about all of the things that a narcissist accuses you of that are maddening now when you're hooked what you do is you stay on that treadmill and you try to convince this narcissist that what they think is not real and this hamsters hamsters wheel continues so you saying i'm not responsible for your perception of this experience or your reality i'm just not responsible for it but you know i can also accept it you are taking this hook out of you and you're leaving it there at the narcissist's feet and you are breaking through this matrix which has you falsely believing that the narcissist has control over you and we have to be careful about this in society because the beauty industry tells us what is what is right and what is wrong what is acceptable what is unacceptable you know we know that gray hair is not uh acceptable how do we know that because advertisers are always advertising you know ways in which we can eliminate gray hair right so we're being subliminally programmed to think that gray hair is bad no it's not gray hair is just gray hair you know and some people go premature gray so it's not bad it's just it's just an experience but part of this narcissistic spectrum or narcissistic paradigm that we all live in is set up to make us feel like there's some person we should be following or some rule of thought that we should be following and we need to break through that that is the true revolution that we need to experience on the soul level as well as in our relationships so the next thing that you can say is your anger is your anger and i'm sorry you are angry but i am not responsible for your experiences of this situation so again what these key phrases are doing is really helping you to disengage and to send the message that i see you and i know you're trying to make me responsible for your feelings your perceptions and even your anger your emotions and i as an autonomous 3d human being recognize that maybe that's the way i was before but i'm not like that anymore and i am not responsible for your anger and it's okay that you're angry remember narcissist wants to intimidate you into feeling responsible for their anger why so that they can turn you into a lackey so they can turn you into a follower so they can turn you into a subordinate so they can turn you into a fawning people-pleasing acquiescing codependent someone who is highly agreeable and who believes that it's their job to make sure that this person never gets angry this is really difficult if you are a codependent and you have grown up in a family that made you feel invisible and your mother was a narcissist or your father was a narcissist or you grew up with alcoholism and you were ignored you may have you know absorbed this idea that's your fault that you didn't get the nurturing that you needed and when that is the case you might be a natural people pleaser a natural agreeable person a natural fawning person right a natural paper pleaser a natural rescuer very dangerous when you're in the company of a narcissist who will see these vulnerabilities and exploit them as a way to keep you tethered to them why so they can plug into you so they can juice themselves up for narcissistic supply and remember narcissistic supply is positive or negative it doesn't matter it's just supply so it doesn't matter if you know it's water it's milk or it's kool-aid or it's juice it's any sort of supply right so a narcissist is going to upset you and try to play with your head and get you to be upset which is um that translates into power over you which is going to charge the battery so when you say your anger is not my responsibility and i can accept that you're angry you are cutting that chain off right the next thing you can say is i'm permitted to have my own experience and i am okay with the fact that we disagree again what you're saying to a narcissist is that it's okay that that you have that reality and i have my reality so what you're saying to someone is i know that i'm an autonomous being and i see you as an autonomous being and this thing that you used to be able to do to me you can't do it to me anymore so be angry if you want to have your faulty perception of me if you need to see this situation any way you want to because i'm entitled to have my own experience of this experience that's separate from you and i'm okay that we aren't even in agreement with it the next thing that you can say is we're just gonna have to agree to disagree again it's about separating yourself from the the um the grips of a narcissist mentally emotionally psychologically and spiritually you don't have to agree with someone who has high narcissistic traits but a narcissist is going to try to make you feel like you have to so those are the key phrases that you can you can use to avoid a conversation and avoid going down a rabbit hole and to disengage and to create some space between you and this narcissistic person now to stay on point here are five things that you can do that you can say five key phrases that you can say to stay on point first thing um let's get back to the subject at hand the reason that this is so important is because a narcissist is always going to try to change the subject so you find out that the narcissist has texted one of your best friends and has suggested that he meet up with them while you're on a business call you know out of town right and you confront the narcissist and you tell the narcissist that hey you know sheila told me that you want to meet up with her you know after you know i'm gone like what's up with that so a narcissist might shift the story like well what about the time that you went and you met so and so while you were at a business meeting and then if you're not clever what you'll do is you'll say well i did that because he was an associate of mine and i went there to work on this project with him that's why i met him and you know we met for dinner because you know it was just easier for us to meet for dinner we both got in late and so you see what's happening it's just like detailed detail detail detail right so now you're giving the narcissist all this ammunition you're defending yourself so now it's like well did his wife know that he met you for lunch what do you mean or dinner what do you mean did his wife know what does that matter right so now deeper deeper deeper deeper what happened the narcissist took you off track so what you want to do is in the future you want to say can we just go back to what we were talking about can we just stay on the subject matter the subject matter is that you texted my best friend and asked her to meet you when you knew that i was going to be out of town and every time the narcissist tries to take you off point go back to can we just stay on point with this subject now you are going to have to remind yourself not to defend yourself because your amygdala might get activated like the things that a narcissist is going to say might infuriate you right but that's what they're trying to do they're trying to excite you get you upset trigger your survival instinct put you into fight or flight right say something really really harmful so that you don't stand point so that first key phrase will help you stay on point the next key phrase let's try not to bring up the past and less to resolve let's try to resolve this issue so when the narcissist tries to bring up the past right it's pretty easy to recognize yeah but when you did this yeah but what about when you said that yeah but you never appreciated at the time that i was on time okay so let's say the narcissist is supposed to pick you up after work you've had a long day right you left your car at home because the narcissist said she's going to pick you up at 7 30 at the train right low and behold it's 7 30 the narcissist is nowhere to be found turns out she went to play tennis and then she went out for a drink after happy hour with the girls that she plays tennis with and you've had to tr you've had to take two or three buses to get back home you're so upset when you get back home she strolled through she strolls through the door at about 11 o'clock a little bit intoxicated and you say what's up all right a narcissist is not going to say i'm sorry i screwed up i forgot it never should have happened and it's never going to happen again and they're not going to mean it even if those words come out of their mouth they're not going to mean it's going to happen again it's going to happen again dear one i promise you it's going to happen again and again and again if you're dealing with a narcissist so what you want to do is in this situation be very smart and make sure that you stay on point you want to resolve this issue right so the narcissist says something like i don't know why you're so upset what's the big deal it's always about you you were gone all all week i was here all by myself first of all don't go down that rabbit hole because her being alone all week has nothing to do with her needing to show up for you the day she said she was gonna show up for you okay nothing to do with it right so you got to be careful you're not led down that path right standpoint so you say to can we try to stay on this subject well how come you don't care that that i was there when i picked you up you know two years ago i was there on time and you never you know through threw bouquet of roses at me when i did that you don't appreciate anything i do i took care of the dogs i took care of your cat it doesn't matter that she's living there rent-free right and that you pay for everything you know and she's feeding your cat like is that really such a hard thing to do to feed my cats so it doesn't die no it's not but when you deal with the narcissist right they don't see the big picture they see their reality and the reality is they're entitled to have you take care of them because they are more significant than you and you are so lucky to be with them by the way did you know that darwin yeah that's the way they think and so if you have a narcissist that likes to bring up the past to try to shift blame and try to get you a point go into i would like to not bring up the past and i would like to just talk about this particular issue so we can resolve it try that key phrase the next key phrase let's refrain from name calling and let's see if we can stay on point remember these key phrases are all to help you stay on point so very common a narcissist will call you names a narcissist will call you crazy or a wacko a narcissist will tell you you're being too sensitive you're being too dramatic now listen we can all be overly dramatic that's why i started this video off by saying that you're looking for patterns right so if i'm getting upset with my husband and he says uh lee you're getting a little dramatic i filter that through my brain and ask myself is that true because most of the times i'm not dramatic right most of the time i'm pretty even keeled right so if my husband's noticing me get way too involved in a conversation or way too upset about something i value his opinion and he says it because me being overreactive is not a pattern right so if you're in a relationship with someone who calls you names and says or implies that you're being overdramatic and it's a pattern and you know that you're not right you're just trying to resolve an issue that's a red flag and so what you want to do is um make sure the moment anyone or a narcissist calls you a name you don't call them a name back right you stand there and you say let's refrain from name calling that says i'm in control sweetie pie and i'm not falling for these issues i'm not falling for this name-calling stuff i am unaffected i'm rubber and you're a glue and whatever whatever you say to me bounces off of me and sticks on you right so sticks and stones right so we want to make very sure that we let this narcissist know we're not doing that okay so let's stop name calling and let's just try to resolve this issue the narcissist is not going to want to resolve the issue so the name calling they're hoping is going to send you into a tailspin break you down and get you to stop talking about what needs to be talked about next key phrase i don't have to stand here and talk to someone who disrespects me right so remember this is all about wanting to stay on point with someone and if you get to a point with a narcissist who is name-calling blame-shifting you know it's just accusing you of things that you're not guilty of and it's absolutely impossible to standpoint you have the right to say you know i'm feeling disrespected and i don't think i want to engage in this conversation anymore right so i have a right again you have to claim your eye you need a little bit of narcissism in yourself healthy narcissism is i have an eye and this eye is someone that i can respect and this eye is someone that i'm going to protect from people who are abusive right so it's totally within your right when you're dealing with the narcissist or many times you say i'm feeling disrespected and we're not getting anywhere you can't stay on point or you refuse to standpoint so i'm going to disengage right so that's another key phrase key phrase the fifth key phrase in this category is there is no need to get defensive right i simply want to resolve this issue with you so a narcissist is going to get defensive whenever you confront them about anything remember a narcissist does not want to take accountability right um a narcissist does not want does not want to take responsibility a narcissist needs for you to know there is a pecking order and they're the head pigeon they're in control and you need to know that there is no such thing as a mutual relationship there is no such thing as i'm sorry that i hurt you please forgive me and i love you you know and i will never do it again healthy people can hear that and make adjustments in their behavior and even in their attitudes when someone they trust i'm not talking about narcissist because you're never going to be enough for a narcissist right i'm talking about someone that you trust and who is fair with you you know you're a good friend or a blunt friends like hey knock it off you're being an idiot okay you know you're right i'm being an idiot i'm not talking about you know a narcissistic friend i'm talking about a blunt honest friend and if you've got one that's an amazing thing because we all need a blunt honest friend but if you're dealing with um a narcissist then this is all going to be par for the course calling you names projecting they're going to be accusatory they don't trust you um you know and they want you to understand that they are in control of you so when you say there's no need to get defensive what you're doing is you're basically calling them out and saying we're not adversaries but they want but understand that inside a narcissist's head they they feel that they are you are their adversary because you are a threat and the threat is that if they lose control then that's a threat to their ability to regulate their own emotions so you are a threat any person that a narcissist knows is a threat which is why a narcissist has to work so hard at manipulation and control so that's something to think about so make sure that um if you feel like your your back is up against a wall and you're going nowhere um listen there's no need to get defensive it feels like you're getting defensive i don't mean to make you feel defensive i'm sorry if i've made you feel defensive but you know what like um i only wanted to resolve this issue with you and you know if if that's not something that you want to do then i'm entirely um okay with agreeing to disagree at this point bye bye bye felicia you know then you say bye bye bye bye and you move on right because i think that one of the best things that you can do with the narcissist is shetty shotty right shady shotty you say nothing okay you're upset okay okay whatever but sometimes key phrases can help so now i really like this list this is a list of key phrases posed as questions which whenever you ask someone a question a different area of their brain has to become activated so it's a way to short-circuit a narcissist it doesn't always work and depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with again if you're dealing with like the garden-variety narcissist you're dealing with somebody who's essentially an emotional bully who is really very fragile on the inside and they are deathly afraid of you setting a boundary and they are deathly afraid of you walking away and abandoning them right you know it doesn't it never made sense to me until i studied narcissism in my first marriage i used to say to my ex-husband if you want me here and you want me to love you why do you say such nasty things to me like i don't want to be close to you i can't feel close to you like when you're mean to me or you call me crazy or you call me a wacko you call me a flake or you you tell me that no one is ever gonna love me and you know i i'm all used up and i have all this baggage when you when you say that you rescued me i was nothing before i met you like when you put me down like what's going on in your head it wasn't until i studied narcissism that i understood that in his mind if he knocked me off at the knees and he actually admitted to me about seven years after our divorce he actually said i just thought that if i broke you down you wouldn't leave me so it was this idea of breaking me down so that i would be too weak to leave him and he would always have me with him which it has taken me years to to feel sorry for that mindset because what a sad way to live your life to think that in order to get your needs met you have to beat people down and criticize them right and make them feel less than in order for them to stay with you it's really it's really quite sad when you think about it and you know that's one school of thought then the other school of thought is that's downright mean that's sick you know and some would say evil that in order for you to feel good in your own skin you need to cast out the light of another person's soul so that they need you right so or they think that they need you and to me it's like very very sad but understanding narcissism and understanding this idea that you know they they fear you abandoning them and so if they [ __ ] you emotionally and physically spiritually and financially then it's very difficult for you to leave them if they isolate you right if they tell you that your friends hate you if they tell you that your family is jealous of you or jealous of them and your friends are jealous of you and and they separate you from the things that you love if they get you to quit their job right and you're financially dependent upon them then you never leave them and so it's really sad you know we really have to understand that when two people love each other it's to me as i always think about a bird in the hand you know a quick story i had i rescued a hummingbird and i had the hummingbird sitting in my hand and i was feeding it sugar water and the hummingbird was very happy in my hand but the minute i went to close my hand i was going to put the hummingbird inside this cage the hummingbird took off and i thought what a great analogy for love so love feels open-handed in other words when a narcissist says they love you their their fist is clenched right and you feel it it's suffocating it's constrictive it doesn't feel feel right there's a lot of resistance in the relationship there's a lot of begging there's a lot of defending there's a lot of persecution a lot of misunderstanding a lot of anxiety it never ends lions and tigers and bears oh my and then when you're free of this narcissism suddenly your heart spaces opens up and love feels like you know open-handed meaning that you're free to come and you're free to go with the narcissist you're not free to come and you're not free to go you know they have to control everything so it's important that you think about that also so let's get to the questions that you can ask someone who you think has narcissism or is on the narcissistic spectrum so the first question are you saying i need your permission to feel my feelings whoo whoa wow you say to someone who's trying to use crazy making word salad nonsensical communication to mess with your head are you saying that i need permission from you to feel my feelings right mind-boggling like a narcissist like it'll be like does not compute because the narcissist doesn't want to give them up give themselves up a narcissist doesn't want to say you know you don't have a right to your feelings although some narcissists will say that as a matter of fact you know but the average narcissist doesn't see that that's what they're doing they feel entitled to exploit your feelings their feelings are more important than yours so when you confront them with that logic like are you saying i need permission to feel my feelings right you know it throws them off their game and so it's a really great question that you can ask someone who is uh suggesting that you don't have a right to your feelings right um this can come up let's say you have an experience of your spouse's mom right and your spouse comes in and says you're crazy my mother didn't say that my sister didn't say that you don't have a right to say that you don't have a right to feel it feel that that's ridiculous and you hit them with are you saying that i need permission to feel what i feel mind boggling whoa let me know if you try that let me know how that works because that is fun the next question um are you are you suggesting that i need permission to have my own reality so it's piggybacking off of are you saying i need permission to feel my feelings you're piggybacking off of that question and what you're saying to a narcissist is that i know that me i had my reality or my experience of this situation and it's my experience of this situation now i've shared with you my experience or my reality of this situation and you're telling me that my reality is wrong so are you ultimately saying that i need permission to experience my reality right again a narcissist's brain will fart like what what what what what what i remember when i started asking my ex-husband these questions like literally his eyes went dead like like seriously like deer in the headlights like i said something that just the way i used to explain it to my best friend i was like vic i said this and it was like his brain farted he was like what like what yeah seriously what you're saying is you matter and i don't matter but he never saw that himself so it was quite quite amazing to watch the next question are you saying your reality is more valid than mine right so again we're piggybacking right so rather than permission right because that's what a narcissist is doing a narcissist whether they're aware of it or not is suggesting that you need permission to think and to feel and to experience and have your own reality right now when you're saying to a narcissist is your reality more valid than mine that's where you're you're stepping into the the actual reality of this 3d space is that they're separate from you and they're entitled to their own reality of whatever situation that you two are trying to experience right when you're dealing with a narcissist you're never on the same page you're in two different worlds right and you never get through to them you can't get through to them because the world that they live in is a fantasy right it's a construct right and they never even let you in so they you'll never understand get to a narcissist vulnerabilities you'll never completely reach a narcissist right so you're always going to get get some some layer of this fantasy and so when you say to them are you saying that your your reality is more valid than my reality you're really poking them with dude or chica we're two separate people you're entitled to reality and i'm entitled to my reality we're just trying to meet in the middle it's like wake up you know so that also might be helpful for you fourth key phrase that you can say a really great question that you can use is are you suggesting that the only perception the only reality that matters is yours again you're you're you're suggesting to a narcissist that you are recognizing this enmeshment you are recognizing this need to be superior this need to manipulate you you're calling it out are you suggesting that the only perspective the only reality in this dynamic is yours you're calling out the narcissism which is going to make a narcissist very uncomfortable right and the narcissist might come back with no that's not what i'm saying and you might they may even back pedal a little bit or they again they might be a deer in headlights they might go oh forget about this you're so difficult right lots of cases that's what will happen deer in headlights oh and they'll discard you they don't want to have the conversation anymore you never get from point a to point b when you're dealing with somebody who has narcissism never it's always crazy making and that was one of the things when i was struggling with should i stay or should i go in my first marriage when i realized that i could not get from point a to point b with my ex-husband and it wasn't all his fault i was highly dysfunctional myself as a co-dependent um i had my own things to work through but i wanted to work through it and i wanted to look at myself and i wanted to accept my flaws and i wanted to be a better person i knew that i was not the best version of myself and i wanted to change and that was a huge difference between me and my ex-husband my ex-husband was like living with moses you know he read the bible in the bathroom and so he was better than me right in his head he was better than me and so getting from point a to point b with someone who really does think that you owe them right and they never trust you in the beginning ever anyway i learned that my ex-husband never trusted me you know he always expected that the relationship was going to end and i never knew that you know i answered it truly a hundred percent loving him and wanting to know more about him but towards the end of the marriage it became very obvious that wow you never trusted me there was never that desire to trust me now everything began to make sense but that when i sat down i realized that i'm never going to be able to get to point a from point b i realized what a detriment that was to my own soul and i realized the dysfunction that i was teaching my children and that's when i knew that i was going to have to face whatever it was i had to face to end my marriage and move forward and that was the greatest struggle of my life but it liberated me and it freed me so i understand what you're going through dear ones question five are you suggesting that your feelings are more valid than mine boom so i i remember when one of the things that my ex-husband used to say to me all the time that messed up my head is it's always about your feelings lisa you're always talking about your feelings your feelings your feelings you know i don't want to always talk about your feelings right and i would feel so ashamed you know um and then i realized that what he was doing like i looked at him one day and i said are you not having feelings right now what do you mean are you not having feelings even if they're feelings of disgust for me or you're aggravated by me or you're annoyed by me or you can't stand me in this moment right you're repulsed by me aren't those feelings and there was the look the dead look like what's happening right he knew where i was going so in my opinion feelings are very important you know um and if you're in a loving relationship you they matter should feelings be all you and your partner talk about absolutely not there's a lot of fun to be had right and ultimately we're all responsible for how we feel right and we're all responsible for making ourselves happy and we want to manifest someone who's also responsible for their own feelings and can take care of themselves and is also generally happy and you want to quantify that in a healthy mutually satisfying relationship you want to be challenged by one another so you continue to grow right but when you're dealing with a narcissist you know especially a narcissist is so below the veil they don't always realize that they're in their head in their world their feelings matter and so while they're discounting your feelings and making fun of you for your feelings when you turn it around you say are you saying that your feelings are more valid than my feelings it'll it'll make them like stop for a moment because in lots of cases they're going to understand where you're going and they're not going to like it right but it's important this gives you this allows you the ability to psychologically disconnect and you and it gives you the ability to understand what's happening in this relationship you're being invalidated your experiences are being invalidated day in and day out so when you say these questions what you're doing for yourself is you're building your own self up you're esteeming yourself you're saying i matter codependents cannot esteem themselves they don't have an eye they don't know who they are but you know what when you ask questions like this you are helping to identify the problem and only when you identify the problem can you ever hope to identify a solution so you might have been waiting for these questions so these the five key questions or actually the five key phrases you can use on a narcissistic mother and even a narcissistic dad so narcissistic parents are notorious for guilt well guilt-blaming they want to blame you for things that are not your fault they want to pull you into this sick dysfunctional family unit they want to punish you when you go against the grain how dare you not come to sunday dinner for the 27th year in a row you know like how many of you have been forced to go to a sunday meal for 20 something odd years and god forbid you go to a football game or you do something besides go to your mother your mother-in-law's house for another meal at three o'clock in the afternoon i mean it's like and god forbid you say you're gonna do it i remember one time i made the mistake of making a hair appointment i was working seven days a week and i made an appointment the only appointment i could get it was in on a sunday and i said no to a family member holy hannah i was guilted like you could not believe and yet i was the kind of person i'm still this way if i invite you over and you can't make it i'm cool i'm not uncool as luanne from the housewives would say i'm not going to be all uncool you can't make it that's cool do you boo i'm not going to judge you right but when you're dealing with a narcissist especially a vulnerable narcissist who wants to control you and manipulate you and stir the pot any chance they get to make you feel guilty for doing something that you are that you haven't done to hurt them any opportunity for them to play the victim they go on jump on it okay so one of the first things that you can say one of the first key phrases you can say to avoid feeling guilty by a narcissistic family member especially a mom is i would rather talk about what is realistically my responsibility and your responsibility than to be guilt-tripped so what you're saying to a narcissistic parent is i got your number okay and again we're looking for this autonomy we're looking to send a message to a family member who especially if your family is narcissistic and everybody's got to do the same thing you know and there's a boss mind and everyone's got to go with the boss mind and god forbid you go against the boss mind there's hell to pay if you go against the boss mind right it's maddening okay we all come here to incarnate as individuals right individualizations of the godhead you know of source so whatever if you don't believe in god you don't believe in source you can't be to be an individual human being right to live out what's true for you to live out your innate gifts gifts and every single person has gifts you could play the harmonica like nobody else plays the harmonica you can paint like no one else you can do a rubik's cube like no one else you can figure out energy circuits like no one else you could fix a tire like no one else there's something that you do you can fold laundry like no one else's business i can't fold laundry i suck at folding laundry i really do i can't stand default laundry but you might be great at it right there's something that you can do better than anybody else that's a fact right so you incarnate on earth to be an individual but when you were born into a narcissistic dysfunctional family with immature parents it no bueno you're not allowed to be that one person that wants to break free you're not allowed and what they'll use is guilt trips they will guilt-trip you into feeling bad about not doing what your mother wanted you to do or look what you did to uncle giuseppe you made uncle giuseppe so sad because you didn't come for his meatballs on sunday right or look what you did to to uncle fester uncle fester so upset because you didn't go to his car meet and he worked so hard on that car and you had to go to that graduation of your daughters or your stepdaughters and how dare you not show up for uncle fester you get the picture right so when you say to a family member i'm cracking up because things like this you know they happen all the time yeah yeah yeah i'm cracking up it is what it is dear ones this is the stuff we have to deal with as we try to become grown-up autonomous relatable human beings in a functional way this is what we got to go through all right it is what it is i hope these tools help you so when you say to someone look i want to talk about what's realistically my responsibility and what's realistically your responsibility and can we do that without you guilt tripping me right so in other words it's nice that uncle fester has an old-fashioned car and he wants to show it off it's very nice but you know what it was my stepdaughter's graduation and it's my responsibility to be there right so when you're saying that what you're doing is you're recognizing that i know that i'm an autonomous human being and i'm not responsible for how uncle fester feels and by the way ma if it made it's all about you because it made you feel better that you had all your little minions around uncle fester's car so it makes you feel good about having this great family right you're seeing right through it so don't allow people to guilt-trip you so that's the first key phrase that you can use in that situation the second one is guilting me isn't going to get me to behave as you want me to so again you're calling it out you're saying to your mom you're saying to your dad you're saying to your aunt your brother listen this guilt-tripping stuff is not necessary you know you're not going to be able to guilt-trip me into doing what you want me to do if i want to do it then i will do it and if mom's crying in the corner because i refuse to come to you know uncle so-and-so's car meet or uncle sal's opening of his restaurant or whatever it is okay i'm sorry that hurts mom but i'm not responsible for mom's perception of what that means this is about uncle sal right let uncle sal open up his restaurant that's a great thing i don't have to be there i'm not flying from australia to be there for this soft opening so mom feels good i'm not doing it you know so it's about accountability it's about autonomy and it's about letting the people in your family know oh my daughter or my son has boundaries you don't have to be mean about it you just state a fact i'm not responsible for how other people feel and if you love me you'd accept me you'd say my son or my daughter can't fly from australia they're just not gonna make it they wish you well but bump and leave it there that is big drama this nonsense because someone didn't do it you didn't do what someone wanted you to do it's ridiculous it's ridiculous number three um i don't guilt you when you don't do what i want you to do so please refrain from trying to guilt me this is huge because if you're a healthy person you know and let's face it again i always say this it's true you know we don't come here as healthy as we could right and we shouldn't because what would evolution be about and what would growth be about right so growing is about um evolving ourselves emotionally and cognitively going from being irrational to more rational and illogical to more logical that's that's the growth process we want to evolve up you know unfortunately when we're raised by immature parents we're raised by children and we want to know why we struggle as adults well ask yourself were you raised by an adult were you raised by an autonomous individual you know or were you raised by a child you know i was raised by children and so when i understood that i was like oh no wonder i'm so dysfunctional you know and i'm so reactive and so no wonder i seek approval everywhere and no wonder it's so hard for me to feel like i fit in anywhere i was raised by children you know um and so what do children do they may try to make you feel guilty they stonewall you you know um i think it was jordan peterson who said that um two-year-olds are the most violent right two-year-olds of violent violent little creatures and beat each other up in a sandbox because you look at them the wrong way or you took their toy i mean really we're here to grow and we're here to revolve so we may we may from time to time throw in a little bit of guilt towards someone but you know if we're healthy and we're non-narcissistic then we'll feel uncomfortable with that right our conscience will say oh you shouldn't have done that lisa you know you know and we'll do a little recap in our head and go oh i don't want to do that again that was mean or i don't want to do that again i hurt my i hurt my friend's feelings or oh my god my friend doubts that i really love them i don't want to do that again you know and this uncomfortable feeling is very beneficial because it helps you change right it helps you shed off those rough edges it helps you become less resistant to not telling your truth right and so you don't have to guilt people guilting people is very immature and if you don't kill people then call people out who do and say listen i don't guilt you you know i don't want you guilting me you know let's talk about the issue at hand um fourth thing that you can say is it is sad to note how often you tend to try to guilt me into submission so what you're doing is you're calling it out you're saying wow i recognize that there's something that you want and asking me to do it i said no or i said i was too busy or i just didn't agree with you and here it comes here comes that good old guilt trip now you are trying to guilt me which is manipulation into submission right so you're trying to maintain control over me right so when you're dealing with a mom who is narcissistic you will notice that guilt is used as a weapon to get you do all sorts of things right not date the girl that she doesn't want you to date not date the boy that she doesn't want you to date not go where she doesn't want you to go not do what she doesn't want you to do right a mom who is narcissistic and who is jealous of her daughter will mess with her daughter's head oh don't wear that don't that makes you look fat you know don't do that you shouldn't wear your hair like that you might look amazingly gorgeous right but if you're dealing with a jealous narcissistic mom who is highly immature and dysfunctional and who is angry because she hasn't lived out her own fulfilled life she'll she can project that onto her daughter and so you might look amazing but she'll sabotage the way that you look and she'll suggest that you look fat you can see the cellulite through the pants maybe you should change them all this passive aggressive covert crap you know that's what she'll do and so when you call someone out on a guilt trip then you are basically saying i see you and i don't like the way this makes me feel and i recognize that you're trying to do this pecking order thing now remember what we're trying to do wouldn't it be awesome if everybody just loved one another wouldn't it be awesome if everybody just saw each other as equal wouldn't it be awesome if we could just all get along wouldn't it be awesome if we understood that we come here to evolve our own souls and everybody else is on their own journey even if you take that mind shift and you think about that mindset when you're dealing with a narcissist you know that you can't help them and that engaging in the narcissistic relationship is going to keep them stuck so in theory you're actually helping a narcissist if you call them out on this type of behavior depending on what type of narcissist you're dealing with from time to time i'm reminded by someone who says it does depend on what type of a narcissist you're dealing with you know i'm not you should not be with a someone who is violent and the quicker you can get away from someone who's violent the better right take some time to get there you know and there are some uh skill sets that you need to back out of that relationship but again these key phrases are for the garden variety narcissist so when you're calling someone out you're saying i recognize that you're trying to um use this and guilt me into submission you know that is that's calling someone out and that might stop someone in their tracks oh no no no that was not what oh if you don't want to come you don't have to come okay thank you you know so i'm recognizing that you're hearing me like you recognize that you know i'm busy that day and i'm not going to be able to make it and i'm not changing my plans and you're not going to guilt me anymore because i refuse to do that you're going to respect my no like that's amazing i appreciate that dear one that's great [ __ ] let's shake on it right because you have a right to do what you want to do you have a right to have that dinner party and i have a right to say no right and you're not going to hate me and smear my name right because i'm not coming are you you know but you know that's a great question to ask someone who you think might have high narcissistic traits okay the last question um the actually the last thing that you can say to someone with high narcissistic traits especially a mom is i'm entitled to live as an adult and trying to guilt me into doing what you want me to do is not a healthy thing to do so what you're basically saying is you're calling this out as unhealthy behavior you're saying i don't mom i don't want to do this you know like you want me to do something it feels like you're trying to guilt me i'm really not into it like you know it's not going to work i prefer that you just ask me a question and allow me to give you an honest answer so i can be authentic and i can tell you what's really going on with me and hopefully you can accept that and hopefully you don't make this all about you and what everybody else thinks about our family and i'm allowed to be an autonomous human being and i can be me and you can accept it wouldn't that be nice mom wouldn't that be nice you know so again what you're doing is you're saying i'm an autonomous human being and i have an eye and i'm developing healthy narcissism and i'm developing the ability to say no and i really don't want to be guilt-tripped by you so calling it out with a narcissistic mom can be very powerful although i will say that when you're trying to extract yourself from a narcissistic family it can be devastating because and challenging because it goes against your survival instincts because survival is all about bonding survival is about getting along survival is about feeling needed you know by your mom and loved by your mom and you being able to need your mom right and then the need is a healthy need but when you're in a dysfunctional family the need is dysfunctional the need is enmeshment and detaching from that is it can be very triggering because when you excise yourself from a dysfunctional family then all of your abandonment trauma and your attachment triggers they they all get triggered and then what then you have to face the reality that you like me like everybody at the end of the day you know it's like shakespeare says to be or not to be that is the question am i going to be me or am i going to be you i did an interview uh yesterday and one of the things that i said was extracting yourself from a dysfunctional family is like being born a liver cell and then waking up and realizing that you want to be a brain cell and you have to completely completely morph into a brain cell right and you know every liver cell is saying no don't go stay a liver cell how dare you how dare you you're mean to leave us right and you're like but i really want to be a brain cell i really don't want to be a liverpool anymore you know it it's tough you know and it really is like the hero's journey you know to become an autonomous um self-loving self-accountable um self-reliant self-accepting self-forgiving self-compassionate self-empathic um or empathy giving to the self human being especially when you know the people that you love the most or are suggesting that you don't have a right to do that so i really hope that this video on the 20 key phrases that you can use to shut down a narcissist have been helpful please reach out to me at www.lisa you can join my newsletter feel free to leave me a comment below to let me know how you enjoyed this video and let me know if any of the key phrases actually work for you and if you're interested in the 12-week breakthrough coaching program then check out my website at www.lisaramondo.com if you're somebody who struggles with codependency or who has been abused by a narcissistic parent this program has been designed to help you become the autonomous authentic human being you were born to be never give up demanding the best from life because that is your birthright bye everybody namaste until next time bye for now if you love this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz narcissist gets to trigger our abandonment trauma it's the way a narcissist projects their own wounds onto us it's the way a narcissist accuses us of things that they are guilty of right that makes us wonder are we crazy

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 637,696

Rating: 4.8884954 out of 5

Keywords: key phrases to disarm a narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissist shut down, disarming the narcissist, lisa a romano, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic mother, narcissism, narcissist, npd, youtube, videos, get narcissist to leave you alone, how to get rid of a narcissist for good, dont fight with narcissists, how to argue with a narcissist, tips, SHUT DOWN The Narcissist With THESE 20 KEY PHRASES, dont argue with a narcissist, self help, how to disarm a narcissist mother

Id: OA1aI5zdTPw

Length: 62min 22sec (3742 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 12 2020