What It’s Like to Break Up with a Narcissist

[Music] leaving any relationship is difficult leaving a narcissistic relationship seems to be harder oh absolutely why is it harder and how do they leave many times people leave narcissistic relationships from a place of frustration exasperation fear confusion these are not healthy states i mean ending a relationship is always difficult but if it was a relationship with two healthy people in it they may simply be able to acknowledge we grew apart and this hurts and thank you for being a part of my life and not saying nobody gets hurt it can hurt it can hurt badly but in a narcissistic relationship by the time you get to the breakup point there have been lies deceit anger rage all kinds of negative situations it's confusing now a couple of other things happen too many times when people leave narcissistic relationships they've tried everything they've tried to change the person which obviously was never going to work but they keep trying i'm going to convince them i'm going to show them the error of their ways but one of the big fears that keeps people in narcissistic relationships and makes it hard to leave is this idea that the minute they leave the relationship the narcissist is going to change and be a better person for the next person they date i hear that all the time he's going to change and now he's going to be really great to this next person i said why would that happen they're going to go through exactly what you went through if anything you should send them a condolence card now right but well then even if they did change for somebody else they're not changing for you so who cares and they're not going to change and i know absolutely but they're not changing for you right and so and many times narcissists trade into a new relationship very quickly because relationships are so superficial for them for the rest of us leaving a relationship that meant something to us or even that was just confusing our roots went deep so it takes a while before you can reconstitute and enter a new relationship narcissist boom they've often replaced you by next saturday night they'll post it on social media it's really really destabilizing for people so that means though that there's a con there's actually a there's a word for it when people are in narcissistic relationships that end now also the narcissist gets interested again and now they want to go back to love bombing so they do something called hoovering hoovering and hoovering is when you suck someone back into a relationship baby i miss you i didn't realize how good i had it with you uh every time you know i i really messed up if i'd known what a gift in an angel you were i would i you know everything you ever wanted to hear so you either have got nerves of steel or most people fall back down the rabbit hole and they say okay let's talk and then for a while the narcissist might even act different they'll be attended it's love bombing part two yeah love bomb 2.0 and so they go through that again and boom back to the discard the cycle starts again now if you do leave them expect hoovering might happen it doesn't always but it might expect that you'll probably be traded out really quickly and replaced very quickly which can hurt if you leave them you can also expect if you're married to them it's going to get really messy really fast messy custody messy divorce messy cutting up the assets they may often do something called um enlisting flying monkeys flying monkeys are the people who were close to both of you in the relationship your family your friends and they'll start to try to turn all of them against you hey just so you know you think your sister is such a great gal she did this this and this and they'll tell them all these lies and then they'll now these people will start turning against the poor person who left the narcissist and this flying monkeys phenomenon actually can often re-traumatize a person after they do the hard work of leaving a relationship it works sometimes it doesn't work all the time but they might be able to sort of mobilize friends who are sort of on the fringes of the relationship people who really know you that's a bit harder um but it can be very it can also be dangerous a person a narcissist does not like to be left so they are going to fight and fight and almost it sounds like be revengeful oh very much so they're very vindictive and so they just don't like that it looks bad for their ego to be left they may have had a plan they may have thought you're taking my kids from me all kinds of things despite they had no interest in being a father or a mother to them while you were in the relationship but now that you're saying this isn't healthy anymore they don't want to hear about it if you do go into couples therapy they often hijack the couple's therapy they often try to charm or win over the therapist making the person who's enduring the abuse look like a crazy person literally like a crazy person and they do so successfully oh very much so all the time all the therapists even get sucked into all the time and so a lot of people are afraid to enter uh couples therapy with a narcissistic uh partner unless they've got a therapist who's really well trained in these issues and they um and so they again they hijack the systems and so at this point as a people when they finally do leave narcissistic relationships they have been thinking about this for months if not years it is a very slow process of trying to extricate extricate from these relationships so it's going to be messy it's going to be painful no matter what whether they replace you quickly whether they don't whether they make it a messy and painful divorce or whether they really threaten to stalk a person that's not unusual they'll stalk them they'll they'll bother them through social media sometimes people have to block them which is hard if you've got kids a lot of times the courts judges mediators custody evaluators lawyers don't get this they're like come on why can't you come to the table and i'm like oh my god they can't come to the table this isn't going to work so we've got a ways to go to educate people now on the flip side if your narcissist leaves you of course my temptation is to throw you a parade and say you are at it but that's not how people feel they feel abandoned they feel like i've done everything and this person has the nerve to leave me is it likely that a narcissist would leave something heck yeah they replace people all the time they trade they trade partners they want someone younger yeah they trade up i mean i would say they trade down because the person they've left is probably usually a solid loving person yeah but they'll choose someone younger someone richer someone they've met at work and they will think nothing of just switching out like that and so people will feel very hurt a narcissist typically will not leave a relationship unless they've got someone already waiting in the wings that would be too much of an ego blow for them so that under those conditions they may very well leave but most commonly narcissists like to have their cake and eat it too if they're married they're going to try to have the the affair on the side and make it all work and be so surprised when they are told you can't have both so sometimes these things can sort of blow up in their faces but it is messy how do you prepare to leave a narcissist preparing to leave a narcissist is no small task because if you have kids and it's going to be a legal mess you're not doing this divorce if you have mediation you're going to need an attorney and you're going to need an attorney who understands narcissism which is not all of them so you have got to do your due diligence you've got to get all your financials in order you have got to know what you're dealing with because if a narcissist sense you're going to leave them they'll sometimes start spending money moving assets like you really you have this is this is war and so but you can't start screaming and yelling or you need to very quietly behind the scenes do your preparation figure out where the money is who's got what so if they do start moving and hiding money you'll be able to at least sort of know what's going on and be able to you know get what is what belongs to you yes in terms of custody though that's the most painful by and large courts in the united states want to award joint custody and many times the narcissistic parent will fight for custody not even because they're equipped to be a nissan parent but to stick it to the person who's leaving them [Music] you

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 477,183

Rating: 4.9547658 out of 5

Keywords: narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic, narcissistic mother, narcissists, covert narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic parents, npd, personality disorder, personality, narcissist relationship, how to deal with a narcissist, relationships, psychopath, sociopath, emotional abuse, ramani, dr. ramani, dr ramani, ramani durvasula, psychologist, discussion, gaslighting, psychology, kyle kittleson, mental health, medcircle, educational videos, video, interview

Id: CtllLbN1IAo

Length: 8min 3sec (483 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 22 2020