Don't Argue or Fight With a NARCISSIST - Do This Instead To WIN EVERY TIME | Lisa Romano

today we're going to be talking about how not to fight with a narcissist so there are a couple of things that will help you when you recognize that a narcissist lives in a fantasy world and they lived through their false self when you know this to be true you can detach you know that you're dealing with someone who's not based in reality and so really arguing with someone who is not based in reality you can recognize as nonsensical it's like arguing with the toddler you know it doesn't really make much sense to lose patience with the toddler because they just don't get it you know they're little they have these little minds they're very limbic and so arguing with the narcissist seems nonsensical so you're able to detach you can have zero expectations so you can remain calm when you have zero expectations when you're talking to someone who has high narcissistic traits you recognize that it's not going to be to your advantage to invest emotionally because the narcissist is empathy impaired and so how you feel is really irrelevant so offering a narcissist your feelings is like offering them a plate of gold all of this gold that you offered them is going to be wasted so you can remain calm and detached and have zero expectations once you know you're dealing with someone who has I know specific traits you can speak to them in a way that reduces your chances of engaging in a full-on war when you are dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits and you don't know that they're a narcissist it's supremely frustrating because you're showing up and you're telling them how you feel and you think that this person is gonna meet you halfway you know when you have empathy and you have compassion and you have you have the desire to want to understand what this person is saying right you're pretty much a healthy person you're wanting to communicate and you wanting to hear the other person as well as field hurts that you can find this common ground but when you know you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits you can detach and you can have zero expectations because you know this is never going to be an actual reality when you know what you're dealing with you can keep your tone calm you're in control of yourself and so your emotions aren't running the ship because your emotions aren't involved you're highly cognitive you're highly critical you're aware and you're understanding what you're dealing with and so you can keep yourself in check because your emotions or something that you're in control of because you recognize it's like casting the pearls before the swine you know that you're not going to go in to do that you're not offering up your emotions you don't offer people things that don't deserve them right so your emotions are very valuable they're the way you get to express some inner feeling you know you have a pain or you have something that you want to resolve that you know about the kids and something that's really upsetting you and so you bring it out of you and you offer it to someone that's a very beautiful thing and when you're dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits when you bring this up and you show them your emotions they use it against you they turn it on you you know you show someone you're your spiritual boo-boos right and invulnerability wanting to be seen and heard and create this beautiful bond between the two of you and this person ends up using all of these boo-boos against you that's a very narcissistic move and so you want to be careful you know when you know what you're dealing with you do not cast your beautiful pearls before the swine when you know what you're dealing with you are not lured in you're not hooked and so you never again have to beg a narcissist to hear you because you know that they're wired not to hear you another thing that you can do once you accept that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits is you can let go of so many other aspects of the conversation and just focus on what it is you're trying to resolve because the narcissist will try to change the subject they'll try to distract they'll try to insult you they'll try to control you and manipulate you they really want to see you see you get upset once you know that you're dealing with a prickly porcupine then you know you're not going to reach out and touch it you can stay in your own space and you're gonna focus on the agenda at hand and this really helps you to avoid an argument with the narcissist this really helps you avoid a fight with the narcissist and it becomes a way of experiencing time and space although it will never really be like you're actually on the same planet but at least you know on in the 3d experience in the space and time that you share at least you'll be able to engage with this person you know on some level without having them knock you off your base and have you have dragged you down a rabbit hole how you can resolve an issue with someone who has high narcissistic traits is rather than they use the way the word I think and you I think you are wrong and I think you are a narcissist if you use the word way you know what um maybe we can work on this and and maybe we can find resolution and maybe we can avoid this problem in the future maybe this is something that we can do together maybe we can get just we can get together and discuss things you know narcissists don't know how to play fair they don't know how to take accountability and so experimenting with somebody who is taking on some weird responsibility or accountability for something they didn't do which is a new experience so it kind of keeps you in place and in control of your own vibration and it allows you like I said this video is about how not to argue with the north's assess how not to go down a rabbit hole when you have to deal with them this is not easy because it means that you have to recognize you're not really having a relationship it is a pseudo relationship you're dealing with somebody who is not in reality you're dealing with somebody who's in their own fantasy self but you have to engage with this person and you don't want to keep getting knocked off balance and so developing ways in which you can stay in control is extremely helpful what you want to do is keep it simple and try to focus on the facts if you're dealing with the narcissist you have to remember that they're always going to want to remain in control and their agenda is going to be to now q off balance to drag you into rabbit hole to get you to react so number one don't take the bait shut you shutting what I mean by shutting shotty is that if they throw an insult at you do not defend yourself I know that sounds crazy and I get it but I'm telling you that the less you take the bait the more in control you will feel over your emotions hold on to your pool remain upright shoulders back stand there recognize what you're dealing with and refuse to allow what this person is saying to penetrate just hold onto your cool redirect the question and the conversation back to the goal what are you speaking about are you talking about negotiating a rule for the children are you talking about a deadline at work are you talking about how many cupcakes we need to take to the kindergarten class what is it that you need to resolve in this issue right keep your focus on the goal and always redirect back to the goal try not to blink nervously I know this sounds kind of silly but it's important when you give the narcissist the sense that you're nervous you start fidgeting and you start blinking and you start looking down it's a sign that they've got you right and that might make them come at you harder remember to try to maintain your dignity dignity and integrity especially how if you have little children watching especially if you have you know you know your kids are around and they're they're watching this exchange try to remain in integrity and try to remain in dignity and try to remember you're dealing with someone who lives in a fantasy and they need to stay in control and the less they feel like confronted then the less they're going to need to be aggressive and so that's what you're trying to do you're trying to have some type of space between or some relationship or interaction between you and someone with high narcissistic traits that isn't so abrasive and this is really difficult to do hold on to yourself often a narcissist will use the threat of abandoned to try to trigger your abandonment wounds to punish you to persecute you and to manipulate you and intimidate you into doing what they want to do like giving up maybe something that you wanted to do or give up your idea or give up your stance so it's really important that you recognize the importance of holding on to yourself what this means is that regardless of what the narcissist says you are going to hold on to what you believe and what you want and what you think your don't have to stand there and defend it you don't have to stand there and argue for it you just have to hold on to it you're right so it's this like this little Buddha statue inside of you and you know it's there and you're holding on to that reality regardless of what this person says right so I had one client tell me that you know she remembers when she wanted to go back to school and her narcissistic ex was very upset that she wanted to go back to college and he threw temper tantrums because it meant that she was gaining an independence it meant that he was might lose control over her and it meant that she was no longer going to be completely financially dependent upon him and this rocked his react his his fantasy in his fantasy he was in complete control over her because he controlled all the funfair finances and so when the reality of her going to college going back to school clashed with his fantasy that's when he really lost it and that's when he tried to persecute her and he made it very very difficult for her to go to school she did go to school by the way which is an awesome thing so try to remember when you're dealing with someone high narcissistic traits the importance of holding on to yourself with dignity and integrity let's face it the goal is to never have to deal with the narcissist race really to never have to deal with somebody who takes advantage of you on any level but that's just not realistic and sometimes we need a set of skills and a set of tools that we can use to get through a day you know if you're dealing with a narcissistic boss and you asked them about a deadline and she stands there and she's making fun of us brings up last year's progress report and she has some snarky remark right you learned to hold on to yourself and you learning to just stand there and not you know give her any type of reaction allows you to maintain your cool you hold on to your cool and you can redirect to what do you think we should do about the deadline no matter what this person says and the deadline okay and the deadline okay that's how you feel okay and the deadline yeah I remember that report and the deadline you want to redirect right this will allow you to get from point A to point B is it going to work all the time no but for a certain portion of people who have to deal with someone who has high narcissistic traits these ideas just might work more you understand that how a narcissist thinks and what a narcissists agenda is the better it is for you because now you know how to show up you know when you're a codependent and you're struggling with feeling abandoned and feeling like you're not good enough a narcissist is going to trigger that abandonment trauma in you and they're going to keep you on the hook and they're going to keep you chasing after you their approval because you need their approval right so a narcissist is someone who thinks that their grandiose and thinks that they're better than everybody else and the codependent is someone who does not feel as good as any somebody else or anybody else and they're looking to feel good enough and catering to the narcissist or catering to someone who dangles that validation or that good enough feeling in front of them like dangle a carrot in front of a horse is the dynamic that we're trying to break my name is Lee San Romano in the briefing life coach and best-selling author and if you'd like to listen to one of my books for free you can do so by clicking the link below I recently just released the codependency manifesto and if you're interested in learning about subconscious programming and how healing from codependency can help you live and awaken life check that out I'm also the creator of the 12-week breakthrough program which is a healing codependency program that helps you dig in deep and helps you find those subconscious programs that are keeping you stuck if you've come from an alcoholic home or you come from a home where your parents were narcissistic or you came from a home parents just missed the mark you grew up feeling ignored invisible and not worthy and abandoned then this class is for you if you'd like to learn more about that class yep click the link below and if you want to join my membership site it's a monthly membership site you can cancel at any time and you can get the membership for half off by clicking the link in the description box now I'm just a buddy until next time be careful with this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz you're in a relationship with somebody who is struggling with narcissism you don't know they're struggling with narcissism in most cases but let's say that you've manifested someone with high narcissistic traits in your life you cannot build intimacy with this person

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 690,508

Rating: 4.9289975 out of 5

Keywords: never argue with a narcissist, outsmart a narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, self help, how to outsmart a narcissist, surviving narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder jordan peterson, how not to fight with, how to argue but not fight with a narcissist, how not to fight with husband, argue, narcissist, fight, crazy making narcissist, crazy making behavior, covert narcissist who uses crazy making, lisa a romano, mental health, self help books

Id: -ZuO2URlEuY

Length: 13min 56sec (836 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 15 2020