"10 SIGNS SOMEONE IS USING YOU and WASTING YOUR TIME IN A RELATIONSHIP/LISA ROMANO

and when i realized i was cody panetta and i started doing the research that's when i knew i had to write a book about coding thank my experience with him for teaching me what i needed needed to learn which is ultimately to let go so today we're going to be talking about 10 relationship red flags that indicate that you just might be wasting your time my name is lise romano i'm the breakthrough life coach and if you love this content don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notification bell this way every time i upload a new video you'll be the first to know none of us are perfect so that means that the people who are dating us the people who are married to us are dealing with someone who is imperfect and that's a really important place to start when we're trying to understand relationships in general we all bring our own stuff to the relationship and i firmly believe that whatever is unresolved in childhood will surface in an interpersonal relationship hopefully if you are on this path to emotional sobriety is like to say an emotional recovery you're feeling like you're moving in the right direction you're able to be more self-aware able to be more self-accountable and you're not only looking at other people and trying to figure out what's wrong with them you look under your own hood you know when you're stuck and you do everything that you can to get unstuck learning to think fairly and objectively about ourselves and how we show up in life what our frequency is what our vibes are is a really great place to start because i have found in my life being an unrecovered codependent for so long not even understanding what it meant to be codependent unaware that i was seeking validation unaware that i was a people pleaser and i was catering to relationships i didn't even know i was in one-sided relationships and i was wasting my time i had no clue and so learning to be fair-minded learning to be objective about how i was showing up really shed an entirely different light on my relationship dynamics not only in the relationship that i had with my husband but in the relationships that i had with my friends with my family members and even with my children so today i want to talk about 10 red flags that will let you know that a man or woman is wasting your time there are significant red flags that we can look at that will help us navigate the emotional world that will help us figure out how we can be more objective about the relationships that we're in we want to make sure that we are being looking at things square in the face that we're not in la la land we're not in the land of denial we're not pretending that things are actually better than they really are which is a huge one when you are struggling with the fear of abandonment or the fear of rejection and you have some codependency programming you can cling in a relationship even though all of these warning signs are there the other person is exhibiting warning signs but if you're someone who struggles with codependency for instance or you're just someone who's like really just wants to be in a good relationship finally you don't always see things as clearly as you should so let's talk about the first red flag so the first red flag is that it sounds like oh yeah i know that but so often times we just ignore it when someone's words don't match their actions when someone says i love you or i care about you but you don't feel it there's nothing to back up that they actually care about you or someone says yeah you know i respect you but they mock you in front of their friends or someone says yep i'm going to take you to the movies on friday night and their words don't match their behavior so for instance it could be as simple as that you meet them and or on their dating profile it says that they're vegan and you go out to dinner and this person is actually ordering pork and they have some excuse for why they're eating meat that night or the person says that they are empathic and you notice that they have very little empathy for the waitress or the waiter and so what you'll see over time is that there is there is a big big difference between what this person is saying and their behavior and so watch out for that relationship red flag another another sign that you're wasting your time is that the person that you're with cancels on you last minute so you're dating someone you think it's going great and maybe even in the beginning when you're really trying to get to know this person things are fine but a few months in you notice that there's some callousness on the part of this new person and they tend to cancel on you last minute now i don't think that we should you know throw everybody to the wayside you know the first time they cancel us cancel out maybe not even the second time but when there is this pattern of there being an event and this person just cancels the last minute consistently i think that's an indicator that you're wasting your time because people who you're dating their words should match their behavior and so if this person is saying that i care about you i want to meet your family or i really like to participate that event with you and you find that this person just cancels on you consistently over time last minute that's a warning sign that you might just be wasting your time so another sign is that you feel like you're constantly chasing them right so whether it's texting them or you know emailing them or calling them you're noticing that the energy doesn't come back and that's a huge indicator that this person wants to be chased or they're just not that into you and that doesn't necessarily mean that the person is this narcissist it just might be somebody who hasn't really figured out whether or not they're ready to commit they haven't really figured out what they want in their life but this is where we need to be really really serious about our boundaries and we need to recognize like how much energy am i putting forward and how much energy is returning back to me and how long do i want to do this i know that as a woman i'm guilty of this i definitely chased after men and you know i laugh now but it was pretty sad in the moment like chasing men just hoping they'll text me or hoping they'll call call me back and like not even realizing that i was operating from this very sad place where i feared rejection and i feared abandonment and i had this program running that had me on default had me believing that i wasn't worthy unless a man was telling me that i was totally goes back to being a little girl and observing the mind movie that i watched every day which was my mom catering to my dad and just being downloaded with this idea that i'm a woman and i need a man's approval like he has to tell me that i'm enough i can't be alone and i and i downloaded this because it was so obvious to me as a child that my mother stuffed her emotions especially negative emotions it was okay to tell my father he was handsome it was okay to tell him that he was amazing that he was the best provider it was amazing to compliment my dad but it was not okay for my mom to say hey i don't like when you raise your voice or i don't like when you're highly critical of the way that i look or i don't like the way you spoke to me on the phone now as a child i would observe my mom be frustrated talking to my dad on the phone and i'd watch her hang up the phone and stuff her emotions and i downloaded that behavior and so on a subconscious level i was being downloaded to think well if mommy fears daddy i'm a female maybe i should be afraid of men and maybe i should stuff my feelings too and that is how it's done especially before the age of seven children are downloaded with these experiences and so it's not so easy when you're in a budding relationship to recognize when someone might be wasting your time because that means in order to set that boundary you are coming into the reality or the consciousness of this idea that this relationship might have to end and that is super super uncomfortable for someone who has a fear of abandonment or rejection or if you happen to be a woman for instance and you've been downloaded to think that you need a man to fulfill you or make you feel good enough so if you're chasing him like you're you're in a situation where you're chasing this partner that's a sign that you're wasting your time right so the relationship is one-sided if you are in a one-sided relationship you're basically the rudder of this relationship like if you didn't call them if you didn't make plans if you didn't take the reins of this relationship then you're not so sure that this person would actually call you back so it's not so much the person enjoys being chased which happens in relationships right because that's a power and control thing the person feeling chased is the person that feels like they have the most power in the relationship i'm talking about somebody who you're not quite sure if they're invested in the relationship or not and so if you didn't keep after the relationship then it would fall apart like if you never called this guy back you're not sure he'd ever call you back so that's a one-sided relationship you're always giving you're the one activating the the dates you're the one pushing things forward and keeping things afloat and the person that you're with you're like uh i'm not sure i think he could take it or leave it you're wasting your time sounds kind of uh obvious but he's married or you're dating a woman that's married this is an indicator that you are wasting your time now some people might argue that and say but you know my boyfriend said that he was going to get divorced well i can't tell you how many women i've coached who have been in relationships with married men and these men did not leave their wives right but as long as they had a woman who would drop everything the minute this man called the man was invested right as long as the woman didn't ask too many questions the other woman as long as the woman believed everything that came out of the the man's mouth then he stuck around but you need to know that if you're someone who's concerned about wasting your precious time i mean every breath you take you know is a precious breath and the longer you're in a relationship with someone who might be wasting your time then the less time you have to find somebody who is really invested or really who is really ready for a committed relationship so just be aware like don't push it to the side if you are in a relationship with someone who's married or who has a girlfriend or who has a boyfriend it's a red flag that you might be wasting your time another sign that you might be wasting your time is that you two have completely different relationship goals and relationship values so what i mean by that so you have to be honest with yourself and many of my clients do struggle with accepting what they really want and knowing what they really want you know when you don't know what you want then it's really hard to get what you desire so what happens is you end up settling for what shows up and then your mind does all of these things backwards rationalization to justify not paying attention to this idea that you have different goals that you have different values right so you're ignoring the fact that he says he wants to live in the mountains in a cabin somewhere and you want to have a couple of kids in the city you ignore the fact that he can't stand dogs and you're a dog lover and you have 10 dogs you ignore the fact that he absolutely does not want to get married and you're dying to get married you want to settle down you want that amazing union to take place you want to be able to just expand your love with someone and feel connected with someone and you believe in marriage and this person does not this person hasn't ever had a long-term relationship but you keep thinking he'll change so if you're in a relationship with someone and you're ignoring the fact that you have completely different relationship goals and values this is a sign that you're wasting your time this is a really big one for a lot of us you know i wish it wasn't but it tends to be where many of us settle for just being a booty call in other words like we know that the person isn't that into us but we hope that it changes or we hope that through the intimate experience that certainly this person will fall in love with us but there is absolutely no indicator that this person wants to take us out to dinner or wants to introduce us to his friends or his family it is purely a sexual experience so this is a big one when we notice well it's hard to notice it's hard to face it but if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who only calls you when they want a booty call because chances are he's wasting your time or chances are she's wasting your time when you are objective about your relationship and i think this is the entire goal the goal is to be able to increase our level of self-awareness so that means we need to detach emotionally right so we're able to observe what we observe we're able to witness our behavior and it can be difficult right when you want a relationship and you really like this guy for instance and he's gorgeous and he's beautiful and he's fun to be with right and he's sexy and all that good stuff and you kind of like have this realization that wow he only calls me at like 11 o'clock at night or he only texts me at 1am you know and like when he wants a booty call like i've never met any of his friends we never go out to dinner like there's nothing but this right that's a big big red flag that this guy is wasting your time and i believe in fairness there are women who do this too where they'll call their lover and the lover wants more than what they're interested in so that never comes out right so you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the relationship to move forward who is only interested in this in the this booty call in the relationship not interested in anything more and you might be the person who's like but i want more you know and this person's so cute this person's so awesome he's got a great job so you kind of talk yourself out of being objective and realizing like wow you know i think i'm just a booty call that's really hard to face and i've walked clients through this idea like can we just focus on what you want right because it sounds like you might be settling for what's showing up and we need to know that this is you're seeing this clearly right and even though it's painful right we have to deal with this idea that this might not be what you want and this might be a one-sided relationship you might be being strung along by someone who says he's going to leave his wife but has no intentions of leaving his life he may or may not be someone with high narcissistic traits or he might just be someone who is only interested in having casual sexual relationships right here and right now and that is his right if that's what he wants as an adult it's your job if you're the woman in the relationship for instance to decide is it what you want and that's why learning to set boundaries and learning to love ourselves and being honest with what we want is so important and so even though the temptation is there if it's not what you want ultimately then you have to be honest with yourself and you have to go after what you want and not play games because the universe will only deliver to you what you believe in so if you think this this is all you deserve then that's all that's going to show up right so it's not the fault of the guy who's like hey you want to come over and you throw on your pumps and you throw on your leggings and you run out there you know it's not his fault if you are always available for him and you are not honoring yourself and i think that's a really hard thing for women to look at especially those of us who find ourselves lonely and who crave this connection there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone but i think there's something really wrong with ignoring the red flag of our instinct and our intuition telling us this is fun but it's not what i want long term so don't delude yourself into thinking that the person that's calling you for a booty call is anything but a booty call right and if you're if that's all you want then that's all that's that's okay too you're a grown adult you're consenting adults and there's nothing wrong with these types of experiences as long as both parties are honest with one another and they're not lying to what to eat to themselves about what's really going on another red flag that someone might be wasting your time is that you feel like their therapist or their life coach right so you meet for dinner and you're talking to this person and it's one sob story after the next sob story after the next sob story you try to lighten the mood but they bring it right down and you find that there is this pattern of every time you get on the phone you're feeling like you're this person's life coach and they're not meeting you on that level where they see you as an autonomous 3d human human being that they're attracted to so you never quite feel seen you feel like there are two people in the relationship and both people are worried about the one person this is the this sort of like the description i use to explain codependency but in this situation it's not that you're taking care of this person because you're codependent it's what you're noticing is that when you're with this person this is the dynamic that unfolds doesn't mean the person is a shy vulnerable narcissist it might just be someone who uses relationships as a way to garner a sense of feeling seen in themselves or they're so confused they can't talk to their family about what's going on or the problems that they have they find an empathetic or a sympathetic ear and they're self-absorbed right doesn't mean that they are this way all the time doesn't mean that they're a narcissist at work or they're narcissists with their children but when it comes to emotions they could be quite draining and in in a relationship dynamic this could be someone that looks at the partner as their rescuer and so you want to be very very clear from the onset if this is how your relationship starts and it doesn't get better this person doesn't start to change their world around this person doesn't start to elevate this person doesn't start to see you and make you feel seen this person doesn't ask you about your day this person doesn't follow up or every time we're together we're talking about the same thing over and over and you know this person's a decent guy but he's just not able to really understand his level of self-absorption when it comes to his emotions this is an indicator that he might be wasting your time another indicator that a man might be wasting your time is that he's not over his ex so every time you get together he's talking about he watched he saw his ex on instagram and he saw his ex on facebook and he went to the gym and he saw his ex with her new boyfriend and he can't get over it can't get over it um and his friend bumped into his ex at the grocery store and you're just noticing noticing that over time like he brings up his ex a lot and there's a lot of emotion tied to the ex a lot of anger and she's crazy and she's this and there's a lot of unresolved emotional trauma or drama attached to the x in the beginning when you first start dating someone it's natural and it's normal to start sharing your experiences with your ex and it's normal for the person that you're dating to share their experiences about their ex but if you start to notice like this victim mentality in the person that you're dealing with and this this inability to shift and move beyond it if you start to notice that this person is sort of like obsessed with the ex and he could be obsessed with damaging her reputation or he could be obsessed with just not being over her or he could be obsessed or just not fully healed enough maybe the ex cheated on him and that really left him with some scars he hasn't resolved them and whenever you talk to him or quite often when you're talking to him you notice that this person just keeps bringing it up keep bringing it up and again you're starting to feel invisible you're starting to wonder if this person has the bandwidth yet to be able to open up his heart and let someone else in doesn't mean that he's a narcissistic person because he's not over his ex however i personally believe that when you're dealing with someone who's trying to hurt another human being i say be very very careful because you don't know if you're not going to be in that situation you don't and even if even if you and he work out right even if that's the case the fact that this is someone who after the fact wants to hurt another person is a huge red flag when people end relationships the the right way to go about it is to if we could get there that would be great but really being able to look at someone and say listen you know it didn't work out we were a mismatch thank you for sharing my life with me for the past couple of years and i hope that i've added to your life and your emotional growth wouldn't that be awesome you know if two grown ass adults could come together and just say namaste our time has come to everything there is a season and it's time for us to move on it just didn't work out you know that would be amazing but i think when we find ourselves ignoring red flags when we lie to ourselves when we try to change ourselves to be what we think this other person wants us to be when we really don't listen to the red flags that someone's wasting our time it's just a matter of time before we end up being really really angry and we start exhibiting behaviors that are unbecoming things that we say things we don't mean we we say things that we don't want to say and we can even do things that we don't want to do so i think it's important to always remember that when it's when we're in a relationship we have to be supremely authentic with ourselves and honest with ourselves because when we don't it bites us in the bud eventually it will surface so if you're dating someone and you notice that they're not over their ex and this goes on for quite a while it's an indicator that he's wasting your time so one of the last things that i want to talk about is this idea that you notice that the person that you're dating is trying to change you so it may have started off all fine and dandy but over time you start to notice that this person is like not accepting of you you know i remember my the first boyfriend that i dated seriously he would throw out these comments about my nails not being long that this girl that i went to high school with had these beautiful long nails i was like okay well i don't like really long nails that's just me nothing against women who have really long nails but you know i don't like really long nails i hope that that's okay with you but he would harp on it and then there were things about my hair that he didn't like you know i wish your hair looked like this you know and i wish you talked like this and i wish you wore these types of clothes and why are you with me dude like what's up like just break up with me like this is not necessary but his words did not match his behavior i was in a one-sided relationship i was in complete denial you know i was a 15 year old co-dependent love addict you know obsessed with this boy trying to gain his validation so even though the red flags were there i didn't see them you know i talked myself out of them i just figured well if he's with me it must mean that he loves me or if he says he loves me he must he must love me i'm not going to pay attention to the fact that he flirts with all of my friends or with many of my friends i'm not going to pay attention to the fact that he cancels on me last minute i'm not going to pay attention that he times times me to see how fast i can get to his house i'm not going to pay attention to all that right and so when we find ourselves feeling as if we are dating someone who is highly critical or this is someone who just finds these very covert sneaky ways to let us know they wish that we were different if we find that they're trying to push their religion on us right or they want us to eat what they eat or they they want us to weigh a certain amount of weight they want us to go to their gym they want us to work with their personal trainer they want us to read these books right it's an indicator that this person is struggling with who we are right and this could be something that's really really narcissistic or it could be something that this person is just not aware of and they think they're doing this for our own good but again it always the arrow always points back to us if i don't like that the person i'm with is consistently trying to change me i have to own that i have to acknowledge that and i need to set a boundary with that and if i don't feel accepted by this person even if this person is saying that they love me and even if this person thinks that they love me you know you could be involved with someone who thinks that you need to eat this and take these supplements and go to this gym and be coming from really really coming from a good place and i can hear some people saying well what's wrong with that what's wrong with trying to help someone become the better version of themselves well i say to that it's up to the individual to decide when they want to become a better version of themselves and if you're in a relationship with someone the goal really is to send them the message that you accept them for who they are and if you don't you don't have to be with them but i think we can get ourselves in trouble when we think we have a right to change someone and when someone thinks they have the right to change us especially when we stand on the moral ground that says well i know better than you right i've been guilty of that myself you know um why do you eat meat you know why are you doing this why don't you exercise more thinking that well these are all good things right but it's highly self-righteous of someone to tell you what to eat and to tell you what to how to work out even if it's coming from a good place so i think it's really important that we acknowledge within ourselves when we're starting to sense that someone is unhappy with us and they're really trying to change us and we've set the boundary like please don't tell me to do x y and z i don't want to or i'm not ready to do that you know if you're dating someone who is into into fitness and you're not into fitness you eat well but this person is putting you down because you don't train like they train right or threatening threatening you with this idea that they're gonna start training with a bunch of other women if you don't start tagging along this guy's wasting your time right but again it all goes back to us we have to recognize when we're starting to feel like someone wants us to change because far too often i can say speak for myself far too often what we do especially if we're struggling with insecurities vulnerabilities that we haven't resolved yet codependency low self-esteem a lack of personal selfhood when we're struggling with all of these issues we might be tempted to become what we think this man wants us to become if we're struggling with the fear of rejection right and this guy checks off all the boxes but he wants us to change we get the sense that he's not happy with us right there's a there's a chance he'll never be happy with us and that's the goal the goal is to be able to manifest a relationship in which you feel like your needs are met and this person's and this person that you're dating feels like their needs are met and so i think these are indicators that we can ignore you know as women and or men in relationships when we put ourselves out there and we feel like we're looking for a match we want a healthy relationship so if you're struggling with any of these issues it's important that you don't ignore them it's important that you ask yourself is he wasting my time and if you feel like your time is being wasted don't fret just brush it off tell yourself that you are enough and understand that your divine partner absolutely is out there we have to have the right attitude when we're approaching the dating world we have to be excited about manifesting our divine mate remember the universe offers us a mirror to what's happening inside of us vibrationally so if i don't believe any good men exist i'm not going to find any and it's really hard i understand that when you have one bad relationship after another bad relationship and after another it's really hard to believe that there's this amazing person out there that is able to make you feel good about yourself right but here's here's the kicker like here's the punchline you have to feel good about yourself first far too often we enter into relationships thinking this person is going to fulfill me and all i have to do is become the version of the woman he wants me to be and everything will be all right the problem is dear ladies is that you are disowning yourself when you enter you have to be honest with yourself when you enter into a relationship thinking i'll figure out what kind of woman he wants to be with and i'll just become that in time you feel so isolated and so lonely and you feel so abandoned and you might think he's abandoning you but the reality is you abandon yourself so the goal really is to learn how to heal from this emotional trauma that keeps resurfacing in our life if you are codependent there is a way out trust me i have found the way out i stay very close to the recovery path i set my intention every single day i read i journal i meditate so that my mind will stay clear i have to deal with emotional triggers just like everybody else but i want to live in a high vibration and that's absolutely a choice so if you want to attract your divine mate remember your divine mate resonates on a high frequency so of course the more love you give yourself the more love you bring into yourself the long the more you let go of things that are negative in your life that you can't control anyway the more you come correct you know are you are you someone who holds on to a grudge because that's going to affect your energy and you'll say oh look look look this is why i can't get ahead but what's really going on is that you haven't been able to let go a lot of the burdens that are keeping you from really expanding in your life so these are really serious conversations to have with yourself but they're worth having the reality is that you are enough and we all carry emotional baggage and we're all trying to find relationships that fit we all want to feel loved we all want to feel seen we all want to feel heard right and in relationships we're able to work this stuff out when the relationships are safe when the relationships are nurturing when we are in compatible relationships with someone that is willing to stick it out with us in the long run so that exists for you but to get there you have to start paying attention when you think someone might be wasting your time and if you'd like to learn about how you can break free and break through codependency check out my 12-week breakthrough coaching program in this breakthrough coaching program i give you the tools that you need to help you uncover the subconscious programs that are keeping you stuck so we dive deep into healing the inner child we unlearn the codependency patterns and we pattern our mind and our hearts for a completely different resonance for a completely different vibration we create brain coherence and we create heart brain coherence and before long we find out that there really is a way to heal from the past and to manifest the life we've always desired you can create your life on purpose when you know how namaste everybody until next time and remember when you're out and about don't forget to think bye for now hey if you love this content don't forget to check out the next video and you can go to my website and take the codependency quiz

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 116,170

Rating: 4.9308839 out of 5

Keywords: 10 signs someone is using you, 8 signs someone is using you, am i being used, being used, exploit, exploitation, is he using me, is she using me, manipulate, manipulation, manipulation tactics, manipulative person, signs hes using you, signs shes using you, take advantage, using you, how to know if someone is using you, taking advantage, relationship problems, signs of an unhealthy relationship, lisa romano, relationship, relationship advice, unhealthy vs healthy relationships

Id: -ra6vALwnmo

Length: 35min 41sec (2141 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 15 2021