How to Stop Explaining Yourself. Live Q&A

mic because our mic has disappeared I think Maggie may have eaten it so if she did we might see evidence of that during this video if not hos up in the meantime I wanted to make sure that our audio quality was good for you and so but I didn't want to keep you waiting so Andrew went to get the mic and in the meantime I'm going to cover the basically the one tactic that I have for how to stop defending yourself and explaining yourself and that was the topic of the day which I can't read by the way so you're gonna have to bear with me today because as you can see I'm quite technically challenged I've lost my mic and I'm going to put on my glasses which is something I normally don't do during a video because I believe that it creates a separation however since I couldn't see anything without my lenses I'm going to put them on there we go all right so good evening again Dan and Andrew hay from Germany thanks Vanessa Elle and Vic thank you okay well you know thank you by the way sink Mars this is good I believe that this is one of the most important topics that we can all teach one another you know like one of the themes that I've been trying to cultivate lately is really to unite and share information and people spend way too much time defending themselves you know what I mean I mean way too much time and their ideas and and their instructions hi New Jersey I hide Jersey mark Thank You Nikki and it's easy to stand your ground and stay strong with your message when you have this one simple tactic that I'm going to give you but remember as well before I give you the tactic you know I have to give you a little bit of background on it one of the nine principles I think its principle number seven I can't remember which one it is States you will only defend what do you believe to be vulnerable so keep that in mind when we are with an office bully or somebody who's pushy or a challenger or whatever whomever we may be with when they start to challenge us and we answer their challenge you know if somebody were to say for example if I were to say okay we're all going to be using a time clock from now on when we check in and out of work because this has gotten out of hand and people are paying people for hours and hours and hours that they're not really working and if somebody were to say oh but come on I think that would really drag down morale if I were to start to defend my idea or my position with that person remember office bully's office difficult people they smell they smell weakness and I'm not I'm not one who fears looking weak but if I'm defending something if I'm standing my ground those aren't the times I want to appear unsure of myself because they smell it and they will attack more it will just make matters worse if I do not appear to be standing strong in my resolve right and any time we defend our position people on an instinctive level recognize you're not so sure yourself are you you're not so sure that you believe that that's vulnerable ha I've found your weakness you know that's what happens because when we believe that something is not vulnerable we do not defend it we don't we don't even take the time to do it you know if you were to say to me for example the day I was talking to your mother the other day I don't think she really loves you know if you were never said you know sounds like she likes you I might agree with you but you have to say then kept joking mom if you were to say that she doesn't love me I would bet I would be like oh okay alright do you know your address you don't need to you do you know how to get home because that would be so absurd I wouldn't have to say or I wouldn't feel the urge to somehow defend that and say no my mom loves me watch I'll call her so keep that in mind when we start to defend our ideas our a thoughts or whatever it may be that alone shows people that we aren't confident to begin with so don't do that instead broken record that may be but we talked about this in other lessons but this one strategy is so simple and it is so powerful if more people did it we would have much much much more time to focus on the important things because it clears this matter up easily I'd like you to give me an example though I'd like to I'm gonna read some of the comments I've been missing them because I have many glasses off but if somebody could give me an example of when they feel they need to defend themselves or their position or the to stand their ground which is what we're talking about here today give me an idea of what we're what experience what you would be experiencing okay Thank You Veronica okay once it was once it's done it will show up in his videos what will okay oh here we go your limitation breaker is this this is life lesson um mm-hmm thank you thank you stop rule ah okay hi Honduras okay I'm not getting an exact I'm not getting an exact situation so Oh when asked some somebody knows he questions okay I'm going to actually use the time Bunny's comments where I believe time but it sounds like a girl it sounds like a woman when somebody says to hurry up and I feel I need to defend myself Oh perfect okay that's much better because the the nosy questions just to answer your questions the nosy questions question that I just got on comments that's going to be more like if I'm understanding what you're saying correctly what would be referred to as a challenge question and a challenge question comes from a challenger that's a different topic which we all write down and would somebody tweet that to me because I can't I'm I'm using systems and if you could tweet me tomorrow I will do challenge questions because that's specific the Challenger asks you challenge questions because they feel that they are somehow impotent you know what I mean in some area of life you know without power and so to fill that void of power they ask people challenge questions because again on an instinctive level we know the person in a relationship who asked the majority of questions and gets answers is the person with the perceived power in that relationship that's one of the laws of power and so sometimes when people feel as though they do not have power in their life they go around asking people nosy questions what you guys talking about how long have you been doing that how much do you make what they tell you where'd you hear that huh you know people will ask these those are challenge questions asked by challengers and again it's like Rumplestiltskin know who they are you can properly address them but bunny buddy was just saying that like if she's getting ready and somebody's pressuring her to hurry up I can relate to that one time because one of the benefits that I enjoyed when I moved to Mexico you know for most full time is time restrictions aren't as severe you know people aren't as know it's not like it used to be where they'd say I'll I'll be there in 20 minutes and it would be five six hours that do that when I first moved here that was more or less acceptable now you still have a you know you have a lot of wiggle room here but um when people rush me you know and they're waiting for me and they and they know me you know if you're somebody who knows me you know me I said it'd be ready at 6:30 so you came over we're about to leave you know it's it's 7:45 and you're still waiting and I'm still getting ready what's the problem you know me first time was about me if you're aggravating cuz you're waiting now that's about you I can't help you there I need to get ready you know basically it but when that's a good example because if somebody were to say for example you know hey bunny you got to hurry up you know we got some eggs to to fry I am for example if your answer is you know because first you have to have a response or you have to have a statement that you have made for this particular tactic to work you know what I mean like if you were to in if you were to greet your guests who was the in the two of you we're about to go out to dinner and you're you say I'll just be a couple more minutes and I guess there's no problem and sitting down waiting hey what you doing in there bunny hatch and some old use some of your own Easter eggs I'll just be a few minutes repeat it remember just repeat it and then hey buddy um you know I think we're running about 45 minutes late well that may be but a few minutes you know I've been waiting here now about two hours well that may be but I'll just be a few minutes oh hey the lovely Andrew yeah I started without you um so the real key to standing your ground and doing it in a way that does not reveal that you are somehow unsure of yourself you know like bunny for example if you know I'm assuming you do know this with your name you know like buddy oh they have one oh great okay ah bunny you know you're the prize right if somebody came over and is waiting on you for a date that's cuz you're the prize oh we're doing something okay can you still hear oh there was very risky Andrew it was it will get rid of it for now so uh can you hear me now I'm looking for the chakra Queen Karma's a rude um no sound still you still can't hear me okay the sound is gone hold on oh it is a little oh good yes wait speak up no sound still oh wait yes yes I'm getting a yes we have sound your back thank you very much okay so remember that when you have a message you know my message if you hit deal if you feel as though you have been being tested let's say by employees or if you yes great if you feel as though you're being tested by employees or may be tested by co-workers maybe even you know you're a new parent because parents tend to figure this one out you know I was I always use my nephew Damon as an example because although I don't have kids I have a nephew and he would say things you know like when I would tell them a man I'll be back at 1 o'clock to pick you up ah today arm the party is gonna be going on until at least two in the morning well that may be but I'll be back at 12 o'clock to pick you up or whenever he said have you know and he knew that he could keep arguing with me but as soon as he heard me do the broken record along with that that may be but he was like ah gothis me yeah maybe then I think it may be any which is okay so if that's your situation or for example as money we're saying if somebody's rushing you and you already told them I'm going as fast as I can if you'd like to go you can feel free to go and I'll meet you there the next time they push it you know and say something like you know buddy come on I've been waiting for you know 45 minutes well that may be but it's gonna be a few for whatever gender and what I just said whatever your ago well that may be but you can go ahead and but go by yourself and I'll meet you there if you'd like I'm going to be a few more minutes then you just keep saying that letting people know that the message that I gave you to begin with was valid is valid and will be valid valid regardless of how many times you challenge it so especially at work I think new managers need to learn that one we're if you're to tell people all right everybody you know from now on we're gonna be easy to do timecard system here so look let's all line up and I'll show you how to use it one by one oh man this is gonna cause us more time in the end well that may be but line up we're gonna be teaching every one of you how to use this system just that maybe or you could say is that so well repeat yourself always just broken record it because of the moment the moment you introduce a new thought some defense some justification the moment you do that on a conscious and subconscious level people will know they have got you on the run and they will keep you on the run as long as you do that so do not explain don't defend you know your friends don't want it and your enemies don't believe you anyway so that's a really short answer to a very big problem a lot of us have the answer just happens to be simple simple and easier difference I know it's a simple solution not always easy to do it practice it and you will find that it will become easier and easier is it bad explaining myself it generally is oh let me talk about that but yeah I'd like that would okay the I had a question on here about is it bad to explain ourselves that I have to say depends on the situation because if I'm in a situation of Authority now by the way getting back to the whole I'm afraid of being weak I do not want to appear to be unsure of myself because the people that I would be leading if I were to leadership position I mean because the people that I'm leading count on me to be sure of myself you know what I mean if I have I have two dogs they count on me to be the Alpha and appear to be in charge even when I might not feel as though I'm in charge you know when there's the thunderstorm coming into my dog's come in and they cry and they try to hide under my legs I have to appear strong and confident if not just for them because if I start to go oh every time the the Thunder booms they're going to really freak out and may get used to bite me so keep this in mind this is true Maggie has bitten me six times she left scars I just repeated all the time but I knew that it wasn't about Maggie there's no something that I was doing wrong because this is my relationship I'm in charge of every relationship if my dog is biting me there's a reason and I needed to figure out what I was doing what I was doing it turns out was letting her be in charge and she felt it and she was scared and so she felt as though she needed to take control and be charge of everybody and every now and then she would bite me to bring me in line I had to teach her one day that I was in charge and it was a very painful experience for the both of us mental not physical I did my dogs but she never bit me again and if you're in a leadership position and people are counting on you to be confident and assure you know and ensure of yourself under normal circumstances I would not explain myself unless the explanation comes along with the instruction you know what I mean because the nut is the number one thing that gets by in for you if you have to introduce a change at work is that the people who are going to be affected by the change or be involved with the change somehow feel as though they were participating in the discussion as the change was coming about they don't need to feel as though their ideas were heard or heated they just need to feel as though I heard and talked about that I was there therefore when I'm delivering some information or telling somebody that's it's going to be a change you come in if at that time I say hey everybody here's why we're gonna be doing things differently that's a great idea you know but you only do that when you deliver the instruction to begin with and you would never do it in response to somebody challenging your authority so that makes is it nice being clear on that one so for example with my kids I might say you know what so that I know that you are safe and to prevent anything from ever happening to you I'm going to be bugging your phone from now on with the spy app now I can but just that you know I might tell them that if I were to just do it thinking I need to do this and then they were to say hey who do you think you are bugging my phone I don't need to explain myself to you that's different you know what I mean I'm not defending myself no but I might explain when I do it to try to get some more buy-in so I hope that that helps by the way Andrew I think we might have no we don't would wait we might have a dessert wait another hundred percent sure okay didn't mean to tear you away from your fascinating notebook there and your nothing nothing okay so how to handle the passive-aggressive friend I have not reacted at all now it's trying to turn my friends against me I'm thinking of taking myself out as it is so hurtful crazy lady okay so you have a passive-aggressive friend that is turning you turning your other friends against you that's horrible there's not many things that are worse than being ganged up on right I know if that's about so I hope that's a friendly reminder of everyone don't gang up on people you don't mean that's that's always the worst I'd have to be a little bit I'd have to know a little bit more about what you are looking to do what the outcome you want would be who of these friends you're considering keeping because I I can't imagine any one of my good friends I'm not a big one about friends I don't have a lot of friends my brother has many remember there's the hundreds of friends and I know that there are some that are you know there's different levels to friends you know there's a level one friend that you maybe see for coffee every now and then there's a level four friend that you might help you might help move and then there's a level 10 friends where you know you planned the funerals with them if these are level one friends or level 10 friends would make a difference and I couldn't imagine anyone in my actually I have very few friends they tend to all be high level because I have like three and they're mostly my mother and father and brother and no because they're two so yes Jupiter I you know Jupiter I think it you are my number one source of income and I appreciate that I will I will bless you in many different ways however I can but um thank you very much so getting back to the Oh what do you do about those people I would need to know who are these people to you because it really does not sound like they're your friends I with a few friends that I have I couldn't imagine some lady coming in and turning my friends again to me you know I just couldn't imagine that so but which makes me think they weren't that they really weren't really that great of friends to begin with but that would really if these are your friends with whom you work that would really make work life unbearable wouldn't it addressing what I don't know I'm gonna throw something out for that one because it's by I feel as though that's really bothering you you know this who made that comment did you happen to see that Andrew which one the one about the friends that were oh here we go here we go Lori Lori Lori I don't know why but I feel this is really bothering you this is a big deal and like you might be considering like a life change you know buying your changing your job or something so what I would do is this if I'm on the right path let's say that you will do like these people in there your friends and now all of a sudden going into work is miserable and you know that the you know that the pot-stirrer is trixie you just you know it is you know so what I would do is this sit down with those idiots that say there are three of them two of them were your friends to begin with Trixie then is now turning them against you I might sit down with all of them excuse me not to sit down I would involve a task because involving a task makes these types of things a lot easier for men anyway these since these are women take what I say with a grain of salt when it comes to the involve a task involving a task is a tactic that I use with men because we like to kind of do other things as we talk to you so that I can you know not have to look you right in the face and talk about sensitive issues I'll have you clean the car with me so that you can be looking at the hubcap as I ask you how you feel about things we like that but let's say that uh whatever the it is you maybe go out to lunch or you sit down with them or they should be you involve a task all three of you together I would be 100% honest and that's the big difference when it comes to when you need to have these types of talks I tend to get away from tactics and lean towards principles because tactics are going to be quick things easy fixes life's challenges that we can there are distractions that we can get out of the way but when you're talking about something that has been drawn to your attention because this is a relationship with a capital R to you that is being that is causing you pain then I would remove all of the other distractions including tactics and speak it directly from the heart and sit down and say you know I need your help I would I would script a lead in line a lead in line helps to at least get this message started on the right tone and in a situation like that choose your lead in line wisely it's going to be a very quick I language you know girls gentleman friends I and then state something about how you feel I'm frustrated I'm concerned I'm trouble I need your help period pods once you've done that you're all out to lunch and you say there's the reason why I wanted to go to lunch with you all today I need your help and then go right into it you know I and you might state at the beginning this might be difficult for me and I want to warn you right now I might cry a little bit just so you know you know tell people that it's okay then that relieves you of the burden from having to stuff your emotions and not cry you know like really cry if you want to cry doesn't matter yes oh my gosh who was it you burn cream Queen I loved Jupiter look at listen to the names Jupiter dream queen it's like it's every 80s revival in here thank you dream queen I speak from the heart when it comes to stuff like that and tell what your story is you know I always loved coming into work I love everyone here I know that Trixie you're newer to our circle than than the other three of us but I've always thought of you as a friend just as I thought of the other two and lately I believe that maybe when I'm not around people are talking about being the stories are being constructed and interpreted and twisted into ways that are somehow I would put you and me you know you're against me you're talking about me as much as I would emphasize our relationship a ship is so important to me I'm terrified thinking that it's somehow gonna go away you know I'm I'm watching it I believe disintegrate I'm feeling that our relationship is not as strong as it used to be however you address it talked about the relationship not the people and how important that relationship is to you and ask them okay so there is something that specifically I would recommend ask them what you can do to help strengthen this relationship and I say that because who has been displaced what's her name Laurie Laurie I say that because Laurie let's say that what's really going now by the way Laurie I'm not saying this is what's going on but I always like to get as much interest I'd like to do as much introspective work as I possibly can because if there's a problem on one of my relationships it's going to be because of me I'm the only one who can fix it and I say that because that gives me all of the power you know I mean I am in power therefore I can fix it or I am not in power and I have no power to fix it the reason I mentioned that is because you may want to during this talk say I'd like you all to be very frank with me in candidate what is it that I have been doing what are some things that I could do better to help repair this relationship and bring it back to where it was what changes have I been making what have you noticed in me because maybe what they're talking about is truth I'm just throwing it out there maybe they regardless of timing issues are talking about you maybe it is negative but maybe it is true I mean you know consider that consider what it is that they're saying so that you can address it head-on because one one of two things will happen when you do that when you say to some friends who are gossiping about you in a negative way please tell me what it is because I want to make a change and I want to fix it I don't want anything that I'm doing to hurt this relationship please tell me what it is or what I could do differently or better so that we can have things more like they used to be they will either recognize the error in their ways and think oh my god she such a nice person and she's so cool and we have just been slamming her and throwing her under the bus Cutler okay I shoulda said that apologize you know hey you know Kadri jerks how could you know how could we have done that to our friend or they'll be like I'm so glad you asked if you keep doing XYZ it's gonna be a problem but if you can stop it then well we're all good and they will and then you can stop whatever the behavior is and people will think gosh they are such a good friend mean she is so wise X it takes a wise person to be able to do that so I know that's throughout a bunch of stuff there but try that go out with them tell them how you're feeling and ask them what you can do to improve the relationship and try to get something out of them what you have done that has maybe hurt it because maybe you'll find for example that you've been leaving them alone too much you know you've been out doing your thing with the other managers and you think you're so great he's fit and you you know they've been sitting at the lunch table alone where you use to sit so naturally you're gonna be talked about so you might sit at the table problem solved I'm just saying you want to ask so I hope that that helps anyway if you could lorry by the way if you could try that sit down with them and speak from the heart ask them what you could do and then get back to me and tell me how that worked out for you I would appreciate that any other things we have a I don't suppose time to go if you have a question or a comment that you would like do we like meat or but I don't and a little I don't let enter address them anymore if you up could we do it bunny time bunny oh my gosh you see depth bunny Jupiter happy what's the other one dream Queen you know we have to get to you know I even watching lately that a lot of YouTube people and creators and groups like ours get together another one who thank you for andhe like we got to do these everyday Andrew jeez Louise I remembered missing out and what would you think about by the way people thank you Miranda what there's a reboot Miranda maybe yeah okay Miranda sounds cool as well if if we could get together and do a sum and do some type of a summit or a retreat or a course where we took a few days over a weekend and got together really shared contributed actually collaborated and United you know to raise this global conversation out of this spiraling toilet that it's going down into if you would be interested in that and where would you like to do it and what do you think that could be structured like that would be appealing to more people who might be able to contribute let me know they'll be awesome and today's a very gloomy day here in the bosom of the Sierra much finicky so I appreciate all the super warm and positive vibes that you've sent out because that helps brighten up our day and please send in your questions with your Twitter what do you call that Twitter account Twitter hashtag hashtag Twitter name and I will answer them by tomorrow by the end of the week Mars the end of the week so we will do a private video and maybe maybe Andrew would consider doing a karaoke version of private dancer but private private version would be I would want to see so weird everybody remembers making buddy yeah well I programs making buddy I'll just say quick goodbye to everybody and please feel free to write in along with questions any suggestions that you may have on different topics or what do you call it different topics or the weather I swear does anybody else have that problem where when it's a gloomy day you don't need to look out the window to know what's a gloomy day because you just feel the pressure on your head and it's like it might my tongue gets really heavy what country yeah I think it's the US does it matter yes really interesting oh by the way I apologize I know I should wrap up I had a question or a comment somebody asked about how did we get our periscope video so good it was the first time never done it I can't believe I mean if you've been with me you know that my my audio and visual skills are not as polished as they possibly could be and they asked why how'd you get that to be so perfect the only thing I could imagine it would be I have the new Samsung because I mean our internet connections are terrible our everything is always wrong here but I have the new Samsung s10 Galaxy S 10 plus that probably has something to do with it and number one is the mic I you know yeah we tried to plug a mic in midstream but you know it's never good to you know change course and it's dream but I have Andrew GZA mic I show them what the mic is oh there they go they're so good um look at how buddy lunges towards the trees and Maggie does not take her paws off the carpet because she's a lady Hey oh I'm not gonna distract them okay I got this might on Amazon for like 20 bucks and it plugs right into your phone this is what I would get there are some that require an app and they have via USB mini cable I've tried those and I just have not had good luck with them but this I got the very cheapest I think they're like twelve fifteen bucks I'm not a big fan of going for the cheapest it just happens to be that the most inexpensive little mics that look like this and you stick it into the earphone jack in your phone now if you don't have a dear phone jack in your phone you're gonna do this what I work for you but you stick that in and this one that I have in front of me is not the one I normally use because the one I normally use does not have a battery in it thinks otherwise exactly like this go on Amazon get a cheap little one like that the reason that I got an even cheaper one with no battery because I've always wondered what do they do in this thing that makes the sound some so good and then the one that I have without this the sound sounds exactly the same so I don't I don't think there's any magic beans in here I think that whether we use it or not this little box I mean the sound is great when you use that sounds gonna crummy today and I apologize because I didn't have my Magic Mike but uh that's that's all you do you get one these little tiny ones lapel you stick it on there and it's gonna be hello I can't hear it in my ear so that's the secret I'm telling you just get a good phone and a mic that you can plug into your phone because it has you know two syncing it up like if you try to use an external mic and then a different camera and then you sync it through your obv youtube finger be bobby er it's gonna cause problems you know technology and technologies against me and someday we'll find the universal force that has caused that to happen but until then until then I'm just gonna have to work with what I got so anything else oh look at all my buddy what but he catches kisses I'm gonna blow my cousin who catch it did you see that he got it oh but he's the most gentle wonderful dog what would you think about it buddy having his own channel I was thinking about putting some cameras over around there just kind of anybody hey kill me you always get to see but if you look at Jeff I think buddy and Maggie need their own channel because they are very funny when they communicate with one another and I thought about this when I had a little I have a clock radio Mike man he can watch his hand and when I'm not around and one day I was reviewing the tape just for fun because it was nothing I was looking for but I noticed buddy maybe he kept coming into the room and they would hang out and be kind of weird and then they would leave and I thought as I was watching it I'm transfixed watching these two dogs and how they communicate with one another when no one's around what you think about that for Channel I don't know everybody here got a part for everybody here at democratic training this to Dan O'Connor I am signing off thank you okay I don't know how to sign out and let me help you thank you see and tell Andrew next time give Dan the hook oh there we go red button

Channel: Online Communication Skills Training Courses

Views: 24,543

Rating: 4.869863 out of 5

Keywords: communication training courses online, online communication skills courses free, explaining yourself, free online communication skills books, stop explaining yourself, stop explaining yourself to others, stop justifying yourself, personal development, over-explaining, motivational video, stop justifying yourself quotes, stop justifying yourself to others, how to stop over explaining yourself, dont explain yourself, communication skills, communication skills training video

Id: htDBY-NGgo0

Length: 33min 57sec (2037 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 23 2020