Why people don't want to be around us #2 of 3 | Professional communication training online

of the rules of critiquing something with style and finesse is that we critique things not people and we complement people not things remember that when we say something negative for example you look really fat in that dress or that dress does not flatter you you are a horrible singer [Applause] or singing doesn't appear to be your strong suit that was a great presentation you gave that was about the thing right you gave a great presentation that is about you i put you at the beginning there and it's funny how a lot of us who have been sucked down into the negativity or critical vortex find ourselves saying things to people when it comes time to compliment them things such as yeah that was a good presentation yeah that's a good paper yeah i think that that audition went well and they just can't help themselves but not compliment people so we want to make sure that we are complimenting people we are critiquing things and this is one of the keys if you are asked to give your opinion on something remember if people want you to critique something they will ask you to do just that they will specifically ask you to do just that if they don't ask you to critique something if they're not asking for a you know an in-depth critique of the product and their ability to achieve or whatever it may be if you give it anyway if you decide well this is best for them if they know xyz and you don't study the rules of criticism and you don't study the keys of criticism and you don't pay attention to your communication skills your critique or criticism will be neither welcomed nor valued let me repeat that critical people if somebody does not ask you specifically to give them a rundown of the errors that you might be able to find in their work their product their thing or themselves if they're not asking for that but you give it anyway your critique will be neither valued nor welcomed so why would we want to do that why would we want to not only waste our words or our thoughts or our you know critical thinking skills but why would we want to hurt another person and make them feel less than they felt before we talked to them remember that phrases such as what do you think and do you like it are not invitations to criticize you know many people will say well they asked me what i thought i just told them you know they asked me what i was thinking they gave it to me to look at and i told him what i thought when somebody asks you what do you think about that so do you like this what do you think about this what they're asking is what's your general impression what are your first thoughts what overall impression does this give you that is what they're asking you for something such as i like it or not my first choice but i think it will work for you will do remember they're asking you for your overall assessment first impression your thoughts not to find fault with them say so remember that the next time if you have any question you know if you are doubting at all if you think oh my gosh here's a situation now where somebody is asking me what i think about their product their work you know what they just did at school whatever it may be shouldn't i tell them everything that i think if there is any question remember that somebody will ask you hey can you find fault with this please and point out all of the errors that it has so that i don't turn into my client my teacher whomever it may be in imperfect work could you do your best to find the errors that i have not yet found now if somebody's asking you to do that they will make that clear most people though are not coming up to you and saying can you find errors in me that i have not found yet if you could please help find the errors in me and myself and my my actions and the way i do things i would be so grateful if you could just you know make me feel like this big and just cut me down and cut me down and find whatever errors i still might maybe i have found them but i've been repressing them because i don't really want to face them could you bring those to light please that i could feel just terrible i would appreciate that most people are not saying that but most people remember just like kids you know we are all just grown up kids if i have produced something where somebody says that has errors in it let me show you what they are that's difficult for me to separate if it's the product of my work if it's my product if it's part of me something that i put myself into i'm going to find it difficult to separate that has errors and i have errors and i am flawed and most of us feel insecure enough we don't need somebody else picking at our wounds or exposing our insecurities to the world so if you have already been labeled a critical person remember to stop the next time you believe that you're helping somebody by giving them a little bit of feedback a little bit of you know little critique remember if somebody constantly told you that you were flawed and pointed out your errors and your mistakes would you want to be around that person would you think it's fun to be around that person sometimes we need to ask ourselves how fun am i to be around and that will explain for a lot of us why people aren't around us a lot of the time pretty simple but it's true one of the keys that we want to implement if we have any question as to whether or not we are seen as a critical person because trust me you do not want people to think you are a critical person that's not cute it's a good idea to ask somebody before we give our feedback if somebody gives us something to look at if somebody asks for our opinion before we speak for ourselves to know how i would most be helpful in the words that i'm about to bestow on you i want to ask are you asking me for my first impression and overall general opinion or are you asking me to find fault with and find the errors in your product your work or whatever it is that you just did ask people what are you looking for here do you want me to go through and find errors in it and sometimes people will say yes i do or people will tell you no i just want your first impression you know i just want to what do you think about it what's your general opinion how did this hit you how does this look to you remember that's the time where we just say to people if you can't find anything nice to say it's usually possible to say something like you know i think you put a lot of hard work into this and it shows now a lot of your hard work might have just gone right on the toilet because it's full of errors and i feel like saying that but i'm not going to if i wasn't asked to tell you what problems or faults or errors i have found remember if i'm just asked for my general opinion what do you think how does this look do you like it find a way to tell people something encouraging there's a lot of unkindness in the world be kind to one another say kind things support one another there's enough there's enough negativity and there's enough people out there in the world who are going to be unsupportive of you don't be that person say something nice to the person that you're with encourage them and it is amazing how people tend to live up to our expectations don't you think so if i tell you something like if i look at it and i think your product your service your audition whatever it was is a big hot mess but you worked so hard i'll just say that you know you can tell how much work you put into that it shows so congratulations you know i think that your dedication comes through in everything that you do including this way to go what's wrong with saying that and being a positive force for good in the world i don't always need to be pointing out how somebody is flawed because many of us think that that's somehow our job in the universe to tell people what fault we find with them if you think that chances are you don't have a lot of people around you and that's not your choice it's theirs and here is another fantastic tip for when you need to provide feedback or critique something but don't want to be seen as critical or negative number one use the active voice for compliments use the passive voice for criticism here's what that sounds like active voice you missed all these errors passive voice several errors were missed or things went unnoticed so i was an english teacher for many years and i taught everybody from kindergarten all the way through their final years in medical school and sentence structure is something that most people hate you know most people when they learn about things like the passive voice the active voice you know when they talk about the past perfect continuous things like that we only learned it for as long as we needed to know it to take that test and then we flushed it right down the toilet right we need to know this one this is one of those things that i will tell people hey you need to be clear as to the difference between the active voice and the passive voice because it is so useful but until you really can diagram a sentence correctly in your head until you can take apart the different parts and you know how it works you can't really use the tools to your advantage for example if i want to deliver some feedback to somebody but i want to make sure i don't sound critical use the passive voice the passive voice and the active voice are different in that the active voice the subject of the sentence acts i kicked the ball i who is at the beginning of the sentence i'm the one who's the subject i kicked that's what i'm doing i'm acting the ball you know i couldn't i can always leave out that last part the the object of the sentence i kicked the ball i could just say i kicked that's a complete sentence all in itself now that's the active voice the passive voice sentence sounds like this the ball that i could have left out of the first sentence that's now the subject that's what i'm talking about just like if i'm talking about somebody's mistake or somebody's error if that's the focus i'm gonna put that at the beginning with the beginning that error that omission okay the ball was kicked by me see i can leave out the by me because that's not the most important part of the sentence the most important part is generally going to be the subject the ball was kicked by me so i can leave out that by me now just like if i'm going to be critical with somebody i could say you missed several errors or i could use the passive voice now that was active voice because remember you missed these errors but the thing that i'm really stressing in that sentence that i'm making the most important thing is that you missed them why would i want to do that what i'm really trying to focus on are the errors that were missed that is passive voice these errors were missed and now again i can't even leave off the by you because that's not what's important the important thing is several errors were missed or you forgot to sign this how about instead of saying you forgot to sign this in making that sentence all about you and your forgetfulness instead it's really about the signature that was omitted so the signature was omitted now that's not even about you it's about the signature and the fact that it was omitted which is really what it is all about to begin with right that's what i'm trying to focus on remember we want to use the active voice with compliments the passive voice with criticism so if i were to instead say like many people do have been sucked down to this negativity vortex they have trouble even saying something positive about somebody else and so instead of saying you did a great job with that report they'll say things such as that report was very well done don't do that if you're going to say something positive about somebody say it about them not about their work or their product you know that was that report was very well done instead you did a great job on that report and if you want to really just if you really really want to get to people in a positive way and touch them where they want to be touched tell them how proud you are of them you know i want you to know when i watched you graduate how proud i was to be your uncle and to be there supporting you because you always make me proud of you and i hope that you're proud of yourself when we tell people things like that you can watch their physical posture change you can literally see chins go up and people's chest go up when they say thanks you know whatever tell people how proud you are of them don't just tell people like the opposite when people say things like i was ashamed of you i'm so ashamed of you i can't even i can't even look at you don't tell anybody that i'm your uncle i'm ashamed of you you know that word shame when we try to shame people whether or not we use those specific words watch that really watch that and instead the more we tell people what our expectations are of them you know i'm so proud to be an uncle of somebody who's so thoughtful and conscientious and kind to the people around him regardless of however they behave i've noticed that you are always kind and i want you to know how proud i am of you for that people tend to live up to our expectations just like if i were to say i'm so ashamed of you how could you talk to people like that don't tell anybody i'm that i'm your uncle okay i don't want them to know you know if we try to use shame as a tool study after study shows that it is nowhere near as powerful as pride so try that more if you have been neglecting the pride but instead focusing on the shame try flipping that around and watch the results that you get because people tend to live up to our expectations of them good or bad tell people that you expect good things from them and watch how they tend to live up to that and remember that when we use the passive voice when delivering a critical message it not only helps soften that message but it really does help us assign blame if we need to if we need to assign not just blame but if we need to assign accountability we can do that when we use the passive voice like watch this if i were to say to my spouse your significant other you keep neglecting me you leave me sitting alone on the sofa every single night just feeling terrible and alone if i were to instead think okay what's happening i feel as though i am being neglected and i am left sitting alone on the sofa every night whose responsibility is that who's accountable if night after night after night i'm alone i'm sitting on the sofa i'm feeling neglected who's neglecting me oh that would be me it's almost always going to come back to this is about me using the right voice helps us see that when it might sometimes be difficult to see that you know the way that we say things makes a big difference we don't want to be seen as negative i don't want to be seen as critical there are times when i need to state something that is negative i might need to critique something i might need to point out flaws but there's always a way to say things so that i'm not seen as being a debbie downer and just always finding the you know errors and things or the fault and things like let's say that i were to have to provide feedback to somebody if i were asked for example what do you think could help this person be more successful how can i do that you know without sounding negative remember the importance of where you place the benefit when i'm delivering you a benefit focused sentence such as bye

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Keywords: Why people don't want to be around us #2 of 3, why people don't want to be around us, communication training courses online, online communication skills courses free, communication training, free communication skills courses online, communication trainer, communication training classes online, online communication courses for free, self help, psychology, self development, personality, psychological tricks, education, wellness, mindfullness

Id: 5VDWki2-FkA

Length: 16min 3sec (963 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 24 2021