Body Language secrets, How to Deal with Difficult People, Danger Phrases, Power Phrases, and more!

i'm going to get started with our body language techniques of the week and i'd like to start with our three-second look i grew up with my grandmother and she was a master at information gathering you know a lot of us we find ourselves in information gathering sessions but we might not be as effective as we'd like to be because we simply don't have any tools or strategies to use while we're in an information gathering session that is what the three three-second look is all about it helps you get to the truth and uncover things that might not necessarily otherwise be revealed during an information gathering session uh the way my grandmother used to use it is like this and you already use this if you're a grandparent if you're a parent and you're experienced you might have caught onto this already but if you have not yet become a parent unless you've learned this you probably aren't using this let's say that i came in a few hours late on a friday night the following saturday morning if my grandmother wanted to find out what happened on friday night she never would have done this and this is the common mistake that many of us make we ask a question get an answer ask a question get an answer she never would have said something along these lines daniel you came in a few hours late last night is that right yeah graham where were you at a friend's house were their parents home oh yeah what would happen i just lost track of time i'm really sorry was there any monkey business going on like smoking or drinking of course not all right see that never would have happened she never just asked a question got an answer asked another got an answer because she knew how to use the three second look effortlessly she was more apt to do it this way she would have said to me daniel where were you last night and i would have said um i was at a friend's house and the three second look is remember you stare at somebody make eye contact direct eye contact head forward without blinking and without nodding either way and you simply stare at them for three whole seconds so she would have said to me daniel what happened to you last night why did you come in late and i would have said oh i was just over a friend's house you know i just lost track of time and she would have done this and then i would have said and we stayed up all night smoking as a girl you know that's what we tend to do right especially as kids you know when when we have one of those master interrogators they will stare at us they will make that eye contact we might answer their question but if we have something to hide it comes out because that's what happens to the average human being when faced with a three second look having said that now now that you are aware of the three second look if you are on the receiving end of an information gathering session if you if someone is trying to gather information from you now that you know the strategy you'll be much more likely to endure it and not fall victim to someone else giving you the three second look so remember the next time you were in an information gathering session if you have to get to the bottom of something or if you just really want to get to the truth of whatever it is that you're talking about when someone answers a question don't immediately respond don't immediately pick up right where they left off just let it be for a moment give a few seconds of just calm before you respond to that person and watch what starts flying out of people's mouths when they're faced with just a few moments of silence that is the three-second look another body language technique i wanted to talk about this week has to do with head tilts many of us struggle being perceived as powerful confident and professional in the workplace women tend to struggle with this issue more than men do in terms of body language messages that they're sending off because women by nature tend to use more passive body language gestures now this isn't just for women many of us men also have many passive body language gestures that we incorporate into our communication repertoire for example i tend to tilt my head a lot to the side because by nature i am more of a passive communicator however tilting your head to the side does show it sends a clear signal of i am passive right now so you want to be careful of that if you are trying to build an image of strength and power and confidence and professionalism and you do not want to be perceived as being passive in any way whatsoever head tilts to the side by the way tend to be a distinctly feminine communication gesture it's just the way it is the average man you will not find him tilting his head to the side while he's having a day-to-day conversation the average woman however will because it tends to signal i'm listening to you and i'm understanding that is not how a man reads it and that is not the message a man tends to send because that's not what we tend to be thinking when we listen to people we tend not to think i'm listening to you i'm listening to i'm understanding the message we tend to be thinking about our response thinking about what i'm going to tell you when you're done thinking about how to help you with this challenge but for whatever the reason remember that if you are trying to send an assertive message for example today we're going to be talking also about spotlight questions spotlight questions begin with are you trying to and if somebody is engaging in passive aggressive communication with you and you are going to respond using a spotlight question watch the difference in the two messages that i'm about to send charlie are you trying to insult me and charlie are you trying to insult me one of them when i say are you trying to insult me is an assertive message if i use the same words and tone are you trying to insult me is a passive message because remember over half the message that we are sending whenever we're speaking face to face is visual over half the message is body language so regardless of what our words and tone are if that head tilts to the side while you're speaking the recipients are going to perceive you as being more passive sometimes that's a good thing sometimes it's not if you are trying to stay away from sending any passive messages watch your head tilts especially if you are by nature a more passive person and you have to engage in assertive strong communication for example dealing with difficult people or proving yourself at work you may by nature tend to tilt your head to the side and it's something you really need to stop doing if you want to eliminate sending a passive message simple all right now let's get on to our danger phrases this week i'm going to give you two danger phrases and power phrases for home and two danger phrases and power phrases for work and the danger phrases that i'm going to give you first are going to be the ones that i want you to eliminate using at home danger phrase number one before i even tell you what the stage of phrase is what do you think the number one danger phrase is that women especially should eliminate from their verbal repertoire completely this is a delete phrase what is the phrase that women use they tend to use it more with men when the men are in trouble for example a man comes home let's say if you're married or if you have been in a long-term relationship you know that sometimes you come home and you're minding your own business and there's your spouse it could be a man it could be a woman what are those four words that people tend to say at the beginning of difficult conversations we need to talk don't ever say that again remember eliminate we need to talk you should be keeping a danger phrase list that should be at the top of it keep that phrase at the top of your danger phrase list until it is eliminated from your verbal repertoire so i always provide flash cards with these lessons take the flash card for this week at the very first danger phrase on it says we need to talk carry it around with you put it in your cubicle at work put it in front of you when you talk on the phone carry it in your pocket so that you eliminate that phrase and because we have given a power phrase instead the next time you are about to say we need to talk you'll be more likely to shift out of that reaction mode and switch into the response mode and use this power phrase i need your help the next time you are about to say to somebody hey we need to talk instead watch the difference that it makes when you say to them for example use their name and you might say charlie i need your help or if you're talking to a woman mary i need your help now watch by the way how i specifically use the head tilt when i said that and you might want to do that as well if you tend to be perceived as aggressive as intimidating if you tend to hear people uh say that to you if they say to you you can be a little intimidating or if you feel that start tilting your head to the side a little bit especially when you deliver lead-in lines for difficult conversations uh difficult conversation lead in line is something such as i need your help not we need to talk the lead in line sets up the conversation and so when you say to the average person uh i need your help psychologically most of us feel as if wow somebody's finally asking me for my help i mean how many of you watching this really feel honestly can say yes my talents and gifts are utilized to the max both at work and at home i'm totally using all of the skills and gifts that i have to give the world you know that doesn't happen so when we are genuinely asked for help that phrase i need your help it triggers something in most of us where we think okay good i want to help most of us want to help now of course if we all know somebody in our lives that is constantly asking us for a favor that's different you know try to purge phrases such as hey can i ask a favor of you hey can i ask a huge favor because the more we say that the more we tend to be labeled as needy but when you choose your lead in lines wisely and you do your cost benefit analysis and you recognize this is a difficult conversation i'm going to set it up the right way and i'm going to do it using a lead in line such as i need your help rather than we need to talk you will find huge differences in the results that you're going to get uh now again let's say that we need to talk because you aren't you know i've had you i've asked you to do the dishes every day this week you keep saying that you're going to and you never have when i say to you i need your help the help might be i need you to start doing what you say you're going to do but that's coming later what we first need to do is set up the conversation so eliminate we need to talk danger danger phrase and replace it with i need your help the second danger phrase that i'm going to give you for poem is what's wrong with you you know so many of us have said that and we've all had people say that to us what's wrong with you and of course we tend to say it when somebody's emotionally out of control if we want to aggravate somebody and make them feel even worse then what's wrong with you is a perfect phrase however if our intention is to be an effective communicator and really get somebody unstuck help them through whatever problem they're facing right now an effective phrase to do that will never be what's wrong with you you know what's your defect what's your damage nobody wants to tell you that there is something wrong with them or you know sometimes uh we might say very genuinely somebody might appear to be upset at work or at home and will come up to them and say something such as what's wrong and most people want to say nothing nothing because most people do not want to acknowledge that there's something wrong with them that there's something wrong in their lives that they have a problem so instead switch over to the response mode and use the power phrase what's bothering you or what's troubling you something like that actually gets a response when we stop and think about it we know that if you're emotionally out of control if you're exhibiting signs of distress it's because something's bothering you or you wouldn't be exhibiting those signs you know you'd be giving love and receiving love right but if you're seeing that someone is not doing that at the moment and your intention is i want to help you get unstuck and get through this and i want to help you through this problem ask them instead what's bothering you or what's troubling you and watch the difference in the results that you'll get people actually might pause a moment and tell you or if they don't if they say something such as nothing then simply say to them something along the lines of all right well if you ever do want to talk about anything just realize my door is always open and i'm always here for you or something to that effect something to the effect of all right well if there ever is anything that you want to talk about when you're ready i'm here for you watch how people tend to come to you then and say hey do you have a moment because you made yourself available as a communicator and didn't start off by insinuating that there was a defect or problem with that other person so those are your two major phrases for home we need to talk and what's wrong with you the two power phrases that you're going to use to replace those are i need your help and what's bothering you so we need to talk i need your help what's wrong with you [Music] it's bothering you your danger phrases for work this week are do you want or do you need and no problem or not a problem let's start with do you want or do you need sometimes we'll experience this one at the convenience store you know we'll buy a few items and the clerk who obviously doesn't want to be there will say to us something along the lines of do you want a bag with that or do you need a bag and it's suddenly as if we are imposing upon them because it's oh something we need or something we want when the truth of the matter is it's something we have already paid for it's just a matter of whether or not we like it and when we're speaking in a professional manner to our customers one thing we never want to say is do you want or do you need it's about what they would like what would please them what would give them pleasure so the next time you're about to say something along the lines of do you want or do you need remember scratch those words and replace them with would you like and the other danger phrase for work for the week is no problem or not a problem you know we live in a very relaxed society when it comes to communication but a lot of us inadvertently will disrespect the person to whom we are speaking by when being thanked responding with a no problem or not a problem if i'm taking the time to thank you for something and i am genuinely thanking you for your participation and your response to me is no problem or not a problem that implies that there was probably a problem with them doing it to begin with and i wasn't insinuating that there was a problem to begin with if i'm thanking you for something and the response that i would expect is you're welcome it sounds simple but keep an ear out and listen to how many people at work even to customers say things like not a problem no problem and of course that's fine at home in a casual environment but if i'm in a professional environment trying to honor my employers my co-workers my customers i do not want to use phrases that would insinuate that whatever i did for them had a problem attached to it whatsoever in any way and to avoid doing that i simply use the phrase simple to use but rarely used you're welcome so remember there's a big difference between do you want me to send that out today for you and would you like that report sent out today for you very different right and remember the difference between no problem and you're welcome big difference so now you have your danger phrases for work pin them up put them around scratch the danger phrases from your verbal repertoire and use the power phrases that will help you project the professional polished image you deserve and now we're going to go to our dealing with difficult people tactics of the week ah we're going to start off with a spotlight question the spotlight question reveals intention i know so many of you watching this right now will be able to use the spotlight question within the next five days so before we get to our next lesson i know that you're going to be able to use a spotlight question because we all deal with passive aggressive people you know passive aggressive and passive and aggressive are different in this sense we're all either born passive or aggressive just like dogs you know i have uh i have two dogs and one of them is more of an aggressive dog by nature one of them is more of a passive dog by nature and if you have dogs you know what i mean uh aggressive dogs by nature tend to tilt their heads forward a lot like aggressive people and passive dogs by nature tend to tilt their tilt their heads to the side a lot just like passive people and we're all either born more aggressive or passive by nature nobody is born uh assertive by nature doesn't happen and passive aggressive what that really means is it's not you know in the middle between passive and aggressive passive aggressive means i'm going to do aggressive things i'm going to punish you i'm just not going to be upfront about it you know like i might be nice to your face at work but then i'm going to go slash your tires in the parking lot or a lot of us have done this you might have a uh you might have a friend at work who's done this or maybe you have done this where like i might see somebody on the phone uh i might see mary on the phone with mr jones and i can tell that he's giving her a hard time and then five minutes later i'll see mary in the break room having a cup of coffee or taking a drink of water and i'll say to mary hey whatever happened with mr jones and she'll say something like he's fine and i'll say oh how did you get him off the phone and she'll say something like i didn't he's been on hold for the past five minutes you know and mary's punishing mr jones by saying to him something like please hold and then keeping him on hold for five minutes rather than being upfront with her communication and using for example a uh a redirect with assumptions which would be something such as mr jones when you're ready to speak to me as the professional that i am i'll be ready to continue this conversation uh maybe a uh an empowering statement such as are you ready now or would you need a few minutes to regain your composure uh there are many different types of phrases of course that we can use with difficult people depending on the situation but a spotlight question is used with passive aggressive people so remember passive aggressive people are those who punish you but they're just not upfront about it you know like at a meeting for example a lot of us deal with snipers a sniper is the type of person who makes pot shots at you masked in humor in a public form so you might be at a meeting or something and you present a great idea and a sniper would do one of these not really saying what they did or did not like about your idea but making some underhanded comment or a sniper might be some somebody who would say something to you like uh you know let's say you got a new pair of jeans you're walking in the hallway at work they're kind of your friend they're with all their friends in the hallway and so as you pass they say something to you such as hey o'connor those are some great jeans where are you walking in those back to 1987 you know that's something a sniper would say something that's an insult masked in humor and many times we struggle dealing with passive aggressive communication remember this principle people who engage in passive aggressive communication do not like being forced to be upfront with their communication and i have to remember what gets rewarded gets repeated if we allow passive aggressive communicators to get away with their passive aggressive communication that behavior gets repeated there is not a communication principle however that says what gets punished doesn't get repeated you know what i mean so often what we want to do is punish somebody who's engaging in unenlightened or aggressive or passive aggressive communication but that has never been proven to be effective the best i can do is take away rewards and using a spotlight question maybe force you to be more upfront with your communication at reveal your true intention behind your words so a spotlight question remember we use them with passive aggressive communicators when they communicate in a passive-aggressive manner with us and we use them with the intention of uncovering their true message that they're trying to deliver and of course forcing them to do that tends to make them go away because i can't retrain you how to behave but i can retrain you how to treat me that's my job spotlight questions always begin with the same lead-in line remember lead in lines can sometimes be just the beginning of the sentence and when you have the beginning of the sentence that you can easily say because you practiced it it's much easier to complete that sentence it's easier to get the words out when you have a few words at the beginning that you have practiced that are easy and fluid the beginning of a spotlight question is always the same are you trying to so repeat that after me are you trying to say that again are you trying to one more time are you trying to so for example if somebody says something insulting about your clothes if you're walking in the hallway and say hey you know that's a that's a nice sweater do they also make that for men i might say to you are you trying to say you don't like my sweater if i'm in a meeting and somebody makes a grunt or a groan while i'm giving a presentation you know gives one of these i might stop and say charlie are you trying to say you didn't like my idea or i might if depending on what the situation is if they're being really aggressive if they're starting to cross the line into aggressive i might want to stop and say charlie are you trying to disrupt this meeting and remember the head tilts forward as you use a spotlight question so remember when somebody's engaging in passive aggressive communication one technique and there are many techniques we talk about them during these lessons one technique is to practice using a spotlight question a spotlight question begins with are you trying to with a head tilt forward now of course many times when you ask a an aggressive communicator or a passive aggressive communicator are you trying to insult me are you trying to say you didn't like my idea what might their response be you know they might say yes i am so of course that's why we want to have more communication strategies up our sleeve you know if somebody if i were to say to somebody during a meeting are you trying to disrupt this meeting and they were to say yeah or if i were to say are you trying to say you don't like my idea and they're saying obviously i want to have some of my magic phrases ready and i might say to them something like well interesting charlie tell me why would you say that why would you think that and get them to start answering your questions remember the person who asks the majority of questions in any relationship is the one with the perceived power in that relationship so when you're stuck ask questions and a spotlight question is a wonderful question to have in your communication arsenal the spotlight question reveals intention the next dealing with difficult people strategy i'd like to teach you today is the stonewall i love the stonewall [Music] because speaking of power and relationships regarding questions and who asks the most questions that is a law of relationships that the person who asks the most questions in any relationship is the one with the perceived power in that relationship you know for example with my grandmother uh she was the one who asked the questions in that relationship you know of course i asked a bunch of questions the kids ask but when somebody's asking a question and they're expecting an answer that person is the one with perceived power in the relationship so many people when they feel as though they are without power in their lives they are impotent in some form they start going around asking questions that are really none of their business these are called challenge questions like let's say that you are called into a meeting by your boss uh let's say that my boss's name is susan so susan asks me to have a meeting with her in her office so i go into her office for 10 minutes i come back to my desk and uh the next thing i know you've seen this i have somebody coming around my cubicle corner and doing one of these hey dan i saw that you were in a meeting with susan what was that all about you know what i'm talking about remember the person who's asking you questions in the office like that quiz questions such as those what's going on with that person and that person how much do you get paid what were you and so-and-so talking about that person is called the challenger and those questions that they're asking you are called challenge questions remember don't answer them don't answer them with a smart response don't answer them with an aggressive response don't answer them because what you want to do is train the challenger that they are not going to get their rewards with you that they're not going to get their questions answered with you and of course i want to remain true to my communication principles and i don't want to all of a sudden start engaging in difficult behavior and show you that i can be a nastier communicator than you can i want to remain true to who i am i want to be honorable i want to be respectful i want to you know cast light into the darkness and all of that but i don't want to answer your questions so the stonewall is a three-step process step number one i would answer the challenge question with a simple magic phrase such as interesting why would you ask me that and remember when you ask a challenger why would you ask me that the number one response 99 of the time that you are going to get is i'm just curious because remember not all questions are challenge questions you know if my boss says to me dan i noticed that you were 20 minutes late today what happened and i were to say to them interesting why would you ask that that's very different you know i i'm talking just about challengers who are asking challenge questions uh when i say when i'm asked a challenge question and i respond with interesting why would you ask me that the number one response is going to be i'm just curious so now that brings me to step number two step number two is to ask a closed closed-ended question remember a closed-ended question is always designed to shut down the lines of communication and it begins with they begin with things such as are you is it things like that so i'm going to ask you nine times out of ten are you always this blah blah blah so they're going to answer with something such as i'm just curious i'm just inquisitive then your response is are you always this curious or are you always this inquisitive so reviewing now step number one they say hey we're in the meeting with susan about and i'll say interesting why would you ask i'm just curious are you always this curious now they are going to then respond because i just asked you a closed-ended question they're going to respond with either yes or no because that's the only response you can give nine times out of ten when someone asks you a closed-ended question and especially when you're dealing with a challenger they're not going to be a savvy polished enlightened communicator as you are so they're not going to be able to respond quickly on their feet with things other than the expected response when somebody's coming from that place so they'll say to you when you say to them are you always this curious they'll say to you either something such as yeah or no or sometimes they're gonna give you a one word answer step number three give them the three second look we already talked about the three second look means don't say anything they have now asked you one question that you did not answer you have asked them two questions and they answered both of them stop there and let them find more words to start saying what they're going to do is loop back to the beginning and say something such as well what were you talking about and then remember implement the broken record broken record is such a great tool that is so underused ask them again interesting why would you ask and watch when you say that the second time they'll be like well i'm just curious and you'll say are you always this curious and they'll say yeah so what were you talking about and then you can start at the beginning again remember interesting why would you ask me that and the third time generally that you repeat something using the broken record remember that the person listening to you of course they know that you're using the broken record but it's so difficult when you are dealing with somebody who's obviously a polished communicator as you are and you're practicing these things when somebody's giving you a strategy like that it sends a signal the person to whom you are speaking is going to know oh you're one of those you know i'm not going to be able to break you down like i can most people and so when you say to somebody for the third time interesting why would you ask that of course they might say to you or think something so just if you can't answer and that's fine because what they're going to do is realize i can't break you and they will go along their way and that is the stonewall strategy three steps number one ask a magic question such as why would you ask me that step number two ask them are you always this curious are you always this inquisitive so ask a closed ended question and then step three give the three second look and if needed broken record start at the beginning watch how much fun you'll have using that rather than answering challenge questions you're going to teach the challenger that they do not get their rewards with you stonestones [Music] and having said all of that i'd like to talk about our communication principle of the week which is give yourself the gift of communicational freedom communication principles what that really means is you know when people behave in a way that we don't like with us when we don't like somebody's behavior the way they're communicating with us many times we tend to think things like they can't talk to me that way you know or well we see somebody that's not even communicating with us but they're doing something and we're thinking to ourselves you can't do that she can't do that and a lot of us especially if you're one of the personality types that really likes structure and rules you like that type of stuff you tend to really get bent out of shape when you see other people breaking rules and we tend to think you can't do that you can't do that the principle of the week is remember give yourself the gift of communicational freedom and the way you do that is by giving it to others and so the next time you find yourself thinking or saying even worse something such as you can't talk to me that way or you can't do that you can't behave that way she can't do that remember this principle is really about yes they can yes they can there they are doing it there they are saying it it's obvious that yes they can and not only can they in the physical sense like those words yes they can fly out of their mouth but yes they can in the sense that we can all communicate however we see fit really we can you know we reap what we sow however i see fit you know coming from a place of i've thought this through i've done a cost-benefit analysis i've done my personal compass i know who i am i know why i'm here i know what i want i know how to get it you know i'm not just a rude communicator i am a polished educated savvy confident communicator and i am making a decision to communicate in the way i see fit then yes i can communicate that way that's my right but to really feel confident in my communication and feel as though i have the right to communicate however i see fit in any situation to feel that confidence which then is projected in your communication the only way to feel it is if you remember that that's a truth and if it's a truth for you it's a truth for everybody a truth is the truth of the truth if it's true for me it's true for everyone so therefore an easy way to give yourself permission and a lot of us really need permission to communicate in the way that we'd like to communicate to give yourself that permission start by giving it to others and recognize that you can communicate however you choose to and it's okay it really is okay it is okay that you just said what you said to me it is okay that you just did whatever it is that you just did it's okay it's fine you are supposed to do that and you can do that because that means that now i can communicate however i choose i can do whatever i see fit i can say whatever i choose i can do what's best for me and feel as though i really have the permission that i need to do that for myself because i've already given it to you you know it is true what i give to my brother i give to myself what i give to others i'm giving to myself and you will find that truth to be so liberating when you truly start applying it to the difficult people in your life you know i mean think about one person right now think about that one person who frequently pops up into your mind when you think of they they're outrageous their behavior they can't they they should not be talking that way they should not be behaving that way they should not be doing that think about that person put them in your mind and now give them the freedom right now think to yourself i allow you to communicate the way you communicate i allow you to behave the way you are behaving it is okay you can communicate that way you can do and say whatever you see fit because that means so can i and that is the principle behind give yourself the gift of communication freedom we give it first to others and that is how we receive it and that will be projected in every word you say because truly every word that you speak is a testament to who you believe you are do you believe you're free or do you believe that you still have some chains on you releasing the chains off of others releases the chains that you have already put on yourself so i hope that you enjoyed our danger phrases for the week our power phrases for the week our dealing with difficult people tactics for the week our body language tactics of the week remember to print out your flash cards now and download the audio that goes with this along with the other course materials the summaries and the workbook and i'll see you here next week thanks everybody

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Keywords: communication training, difficult people, dealing with difficult people, body language secrets, body language, communication skills training video, communication skills training course, communication training videos, power phrases for work, communication skills training, business communication skills training video, effective communication skills training video, communication training classes online, communication workshop, professional communication skills

Id: Gaj3Xl9vasc

Length: 34min 49sec (2089 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 13 2013