Communication Skills Tips And Tricks: How to tell people to shut up, they're rude, or you hate them.

all right so this week we have one two three four questions we have four all right thank you gene we are going to start off with question number one from jacqueline jacqueline york it's a very fancy name jacqueline wrote how do you recommend i handle witnessing but not necessarily being involved in hostile communication let me explain i share an office with my office manager who tends to be unnecessarily hostile with co-workers i have a question that i'm going to just put as a caveat i'm not sure if those are her co-workers or yours that would make a difference sometimes she's dismissive i first ignored the behavior thinking that she possibly knew something that i didn't that's a good assumption but as i've observed it's more so with people that she just dislikes or whenever she feels that they are suggesting that she's at fault for something i don't know how to professionally intervene without seeming passive aggressive i realize that these are not situations that involve me but i can't witness unfair treatment by superior and stay quiet help all right jacqueline i think a lot of us could probably relate to one of your closing comments where you said i can't witness unfair treatment by superior and stay quiet i think most of us could relate to that i also believe that if you're at work that's going to be different from if i were on the street for example if i were on the street and i was witnessing some unfair treatment or some hostile communication my options are much more plentiful you know on the street i believe at work when i'm being paid to do something specific my options are much more limited and in this case you said this is your manager i believe i can't read without my glasses um i should with my man with my office manager okay so this is your office manager with whom you share the space and you also stated that you are not directly involved in this communication therefore i believe that the stands we would normally take are not so much an option this goes back to i believe your question goes back to one of the basics that we talk about in tactical communication which is there's a there's a three-step process that i would want to go through in this case before i would even start thinking about what to say in a situation like this and those three steps are number one ask yourself does this need to be said you know whatever i believe needs to be said to my office manager does it really need to be said if the answer is yes move along to question number two does this need to be said right now you know is there something i need to say right now you know could it wait till later until i maybe had some time to review what i was going to say and and do a cost benefit analysis you know ask myself what's the risk what would the benefit be for me is it worth it and if i believe this needs to be said right now does this need to be said right now by me those are the three things does this need to be said does it need to be said right now and does it need to be said by me if any of those questions result in a in a no this is not to be said it does not need to be said by me or right now or if there's a question as to the answer of one of those questions i would wait and my instinct is to tell you to say nothing but i'm going to i'm going to add to that the reason i would say say nothing right now is because this does not involve you and it's a very murky line where i should get involved in someone else's communication even though i realize you are being dragged into this because you have to be witness to this and that therefore involves you in some way however i would want to think what would it be if the rules were reversed now you don't like the way that she's communicating with these people however there are going to be people who don't like the way you communicate with some other people for whatever reason maybe they think you're too pollyanna maybe they think you're too too nice maybe they think you're too uh personable when you should be more down to business therefore if i under normal circumstances would not want people intervening in my communication i'm not going to do that in other people's communication in addition you're in some way taking away the power from the person that you believe is being treated unfairly this is their situation to deal with if they do in fact need to stand up for themselves then that is their job so maybe if you want to talk to somebody if you truly want to talk to somebody i suggest talking to the person who you believe was treated unfairly and ask them by the way this is very risky you know so i would also do a cost benefit but ask them you know hey trixie as you know i was there yesterday or today when jane talked to you that way and you think you know what i mean when they say that way i wanted to ask you because i know that i was not asked to be part of this conversation i wanted to ask you how do you feel about that and what is it that allows you to be treated like that or what is it that prevents you from speaking back to her or stopping her from treating you that way or maybe i'm missing something maybe you don't see anything wrong with the way she's treating you can you fill me in a little bit because this has been bothering me so i wanted to bring it to you instead of anyone else and ask you what gives what's with that you know that's the approach that i might take going to her and if you're going to go to her telling her i'm coming to you directly rather than going to somebody else and i might say that if i were to bring this to my boss and i really i really warned you uh against doing that you know if you were to bring this to your boss maybe if you have a good relationship with her i believe it's a her i don't know where i got that um i think you said she yes okay yes saying something to her such as you know hey jane i had to bring something to you because it was bothering me i wanted to talk about when you sometimes talk to other people in front of me the manner in which you talk to them i'm not used to and it's a little off-putting sometimes and i wanted to ask you if there's something that we could do so that i wasn't so much a part of that or so that i wasn't brought into that conversation which i am by default because i'm there in the room as you're talking to them because i don't want to get involved or lecture you or believe that i don't think that i know any better than you i don't want to get involved in your relationship with other people but unfortunately i can't help but feeling as though i'm involved because i'm witness to these conversations and they sometimes bother me to know it shouldn't so what do you suggest and maybe if you could bring a suggestion to her you know you might be able to say something such as is there a way that if you have to have a talk like that or if you have to say those types of things to other people that it could be when i'm not around is there a way that i could be warned in advance is there a way that you know maybe you could go to them if you have something to say now if this is something i believe the impression that i got is this generally tends to happen when people come in and talk to her maybe she's being dismissive as you say because they're wasting her time and she wants to dismiss them maybe she treats them you know in a hostile manner because there's something you don't know you know and maybe that's the best course of action for her to take the reason i say that is because there just is so much out there that we do not know and to inject ourselves in one portion one sliver of a conversation or a relationship that someone else has with another person is just too risky under almost all circumstances to do while getting any type of positive outcome or benefit for me therefore i would assume that you do not know what's going on there you do not know what's come before this or what goes on after this or what the other pieces are to this puzzle which makes up their relationship so i would find a way if i were you here's what i would do now now that i've told you what not to do here's what i would do if the behavior that is being exhibited in front of you is so distasteful that you really can't stand watching it when somebody comes into the room i'm assuming this doesn't happen constantly when someone comes into the room stand up and do something else you know leave the room go someplace else if you realize that you don't want to be part of her personal conversations but because of you know spatial requirements you know this office structure the office plan you have to be step out and do something else if it is possible to take a break do that if you need to go to the washroom if you want to grab a sandwich a bottle of water whatever it may be step out and do that so that you are not being forced to be witness to this and don't make any bones about it if she asks you hey you know i've noticed that you keep getting up and going out every time someone comes in what's that tell her well i'm not comfortable with the conversations that you sometimes have with other people in front of me therefore so that i and i put in the benefit so that i can let you be the manager however or manage however you want to do it so that i can let you be in charge of your relationships without butting in so that i cannot insert myself into these relationships which i know are none of my business i've decided the best course of action for me would be to just step aside step out go away for a couple of minutes and then come back and that avoids the problem is that all right letting her know i'm doing this for you i'm doing this because i don't want to judge you i don't want to butt into your relationships and that might make it okay and that would be a great way for her to realize hmm do you think that then she might ask you now that i'm thinking about it she might ask you you think that's offensive what's offensive what do you mean what what don't you like that would be a great opener because you've already let her know i'm not butting in might be a great opener for you to then say well i believe that when you say xyz that is as you put it a really hostile way of conveying that message and i'm not used to that therefore it's difficult for me to watch i believe that when you are no by the way i was just about to do it when you say in your letter that she is dismissive or that she is hostile remember to stick to the facts and at the end you can label it as hostile this way i believe that when you don't look up from what you're doing and you just tell somebody i'm busy and then they leave that seems like a very dismissive way of handling an interruption i believe that when you say to somebody get lost stop bothering me you always do this buddinski is your middle name whatever she's saying to people i believe that when you say those things to me that appears very hostile and maybe it's because i'm not used to that but hostile communication like that is bothersome to me that's why i leave so don't say something such as you know i think when you are hostile to them when you are rude to people when you are dismissive because that's going to start her self-talk going you know what i mean and she's going to be like what do you mean dismissive for hospital do you know how they talk to me instead when i see you do x y z stating a fact so that it just triggers a memory and they're like oh yeah i said that to me that appears and then you could say hostile or you can say whatever it may be but try to find a solution so that you are taking yourself out of the situation because not only do you not want to butt in because it's very rarely a productive thing to do for anybody you also have things to do i realize and you don't want this on your mind and you don't want to bring somebody else's challenges and put them on your plate because you're also depriving that person of their opportunity to work through that issue if they are being treated unfairly or in a hostile manner that may be that is their issue that is something that they should overcome if they are able to now if somebody comes in who is different abled and they come in in a wheelchair and she's you know putting rods in the spokes of their wheels so that they can't move and they're you know crying about it that's different you know that's helping somebody who is different abled and is not at the same capacity as the other person therefore you're stepping in because you are helping someone who cannot help themselves that's different you know whether you're in work whether you're in the office or on the street i would always help people who are unable to help themselves and are being victimized it's very rare that we would see that in the office in a modern society therefore that's probably not what's happening but of course i always do i would always encourage people to help people who are defenseless it just does not sound like that is the case maybe they might seem defenseless sometimes it's really difficult to watch a bird being thrown out of the nest but there is almost no other way to get them to learn how to fly don't grab them and try to stick false wings on them that doesn't help them fly okay that's my answer there all right so for number two okay gene send these over a little bit bigger okay i'm gonna increase the font here okay no name wrote four days ago that's no name that is your actual name no name that's unfortunate is dan in a same-sex relationship thanks thanks gene the uh the question is am i in a same-sex relationship and that's funny that you mentioned that because yesterday yesterday i came up with a video on communication principles i come up with those on mondays remember to subscribe to this channel for those and the reason i'm doing those on mondays is because communication principles are the foundation on which i build all of my tactics and i think it's a good idea to start your week with the principle that you can then apply to different situations as they pop up yesterday's principle serendipitously was well what excuse me part of the lesson in principle yesterday was that i am in a trinity of relationship and it's a mystery but it's true that i'm in relationship with a big r with myself with my maker and with everyone else on the planet all at the same time and it's all it's only one relationship there's no real difference and it's very difficult to find the line where the line is between the relationship that i have with myself and the relationship that i have with my maker and the relationship that i have with all at the same time everyone else on the planet those seem like distinct relationships and they in a sense are but in a sense they are all one relationship it is all the same relationship therefore the answer to your question would be yes i'm in a same-sex relationship with myself and question number three oh i see you have two on here okay i'm gonna answer two more number one this is from the employee of the month congratulations and the question and this was written one day ago the question is how do you say i can't stand you and i know you're phony with love i i hope you're not saying that to me employee of the month because i would hate for someone at your level of the employee of the month to feel that way about me but if you do i'll give you the answer anyway those two the reason that by the way she's asking that if you're not familiar with this is because in my videos i frequently say there is a way to say anything you have to say with love whatever you have to say this is exactly how i believe i say it whatever you have to say say it in a loving way because the people around you they deserve that and you deserve that so if you have any questions or if you have any challenges doing that ask me and i'll help so evidently you feel the need to tell somebody that you can't stand them and that they are phony but you want to do that in a loving way remember how i started that phrase whatever you have to say say it in a loving way and the reason i say it that way is because whatever you have to say we do not have to say that employee of the month i can't think of any situation in which i need to tell somebody i can't stand you or you're phony you know even if you were asking me to marry you and i were you know if i were asking to marry myself since you know referencing back to the previous question but if i were if i felt the need to say that to somebody what am i really what's the real issue here where i need to say i where i feel as though i need to say i can't stand you maybe it's if you're asking me to marry you and i think wait no i can't even stand you why would i want to marry you well the real challenge that i'm trying to express here is i don't think we would be a compatible couple say that you know if you're let's say asked to work with somebody or someone asks to work with you and the reason that you don't want to work with them on a project or something is because you can't stand them and you believe that they are phony instead so what you know like ask yourself so what i can't stand you well that would therefore probably because of who i am make us an incompatible or make us incompatible when it comes to teamwork i don't think we would be a good match say that you know it that would be okay i believe there's nothing wrong with saying to somebody well you know charlie i appreciate the invitation but i don't think that you and i would be a compatible i don't think the uni would be a good match i don't think that we have compatible work styles there you go or for it now that by the way is saying something that's loving you know i am loving myself by saying ah i'm gonna save you know save myself from working with this you know with this uh what do you call it well i'll just say this incompatible person and when you say for example i know you're phony do you do you employee of the month do you know i'll just save ms month do you mr month do you know that maybe they're actually the most genuine person you've ever known but you're so uh you're so not used to recognizing that that you see them as phony you ever think of that maybe they are just so honest and upfront with the way they feel about people maybe that they love maybe they love everybody and you just can't grasp that you can't compute how they are so happy and pollyanna-ish going back to again our last our last question that that just you you can't believe it therefore they must be a big old phony baloney really do you know that maybe they are the most genuine person that you know maybe they're the most honest and forthright person that you know you don't know that and even if you did even if you did know that so what again going back to the cost benefit analysis and going back to the three-step process does this need to be said does it need to be said by me and does it need to be said right now very rarely would a simple criticism of somebody need to be said you know if i i hate the way you talk my brother for example uh he is the loudest talker and he's a loud laugher like he when he laughs he's one of these people where he will say that dude is even louder than i am because he knows how loud he is and he lo he knows that many people when he laughs or when he says you know hey charlie people will be like jeez louise do you have a megaphone in there that's okay you know what i mean that doesn't sit right with everybody some people are put off by that some people will get up and move you know to the other side of a restaurant because they don't want to be seated next to somebody who's that loud and it affects their conversation that they're having with the other soft talker at the table with them you know when those two soft talkers we've seen them give us looks and then they'll get up and go to a different part of the restaurant and just tell the server i just couldn't stand sitting next to those loud talkers well okay that's okay but we don't need to tell the person i just don't like you you rub me the wrong way now that's going to happen a lot in life but that's okay not everybody needs to love us not everybody needs to like us and not everything needs to be said so the question is not how can i say anything that comes to mind in a loving way you know your breath stinks there's no way to say that there's no way to tell somebody for example huh you put on a couple of pounds since the last time we've seen each other with love there's no way to say that you know when your spouse asks you you know do i look fat do you see me as old there is no way to say to them the answer to both of those is yes in a loving way that's not possible therefore we step back to the previous question which is does this need to be said and not everything that's in here needs to come out there you know we've heard about the filter that's in there when we think that when we start to say everything that is in there when that just comes right out and that filter is removed that is a sign of dementia or alzheimer's or some mental disease so remember that to be without filter from our brain to our mouth is a sign of demise mental mental demise and decay you don't want to do that okay just i mean that happened soon enough for most of us mom okay final question christine christine sellers ooh i like that name christine sellers five days ago this is great advice thank you christine i'm not one who enjoys talking about politics and social settings particularly at work but i i get your drift but don't quite know how to shut down the conversation without number one being rude and number two irritating or excuse me reiterating reiterating to the other person that i value my relationship with them but i don't know without okay i think i get what you're saying i believe that you're saying how can i say shut up about politics without being rude and while reiterating that i appreciate you in our relationship right that's what you're saying okay when you need to do something like that shut people down when it comes to politics i believe that this question probably came from or was around the video that i did on don't talk politics at work i personally have found much success in using the the word moratorium so i'm assuming that you already told her but if you have not done it do this tell her let's say that her name is you know trixie i don't know i just got it it's been a tricky day telling trixie trixie you know for my own mental well-being i have decided to put a moratorium on any political talk not just here at work but even if we're outside of work because i can't take it anymore i'm sure you can relate i cannot take it so if you would not be bothered by that you know if this is a friend that's normally i wouldn't ask for permission like this but if this is my friend as you probably i'm getting that vibe i might say something like if if you wouldn't be too bothered by that if that would be okay with you if you could respect that i would appreciate it because as i mentioned i can't take it anymore now we are human beings and so trixie will forget about that and then maybe the next day she'll say something like oh my gosh did you see what happened at the press conference yesterday and you're like oh wait a minute hold on you might gently remind her the way i would gently remind somebody is this put the benefit first you know you've mentioned to me that you're very concerned with the relationship you have put that first then when you're going to remind somebody trixie again because you are so important to me and i value our relationship i'm asking you to remember the moratorium that i have placed on any political talk now you might want to add maybe i'd be happy to listen because i'm always open to hearing whatever you have to say but i can't respond for me all right so you might want to tell her that again hey trixie trixie remember moratorium remember that but before you state it tell her why because that softens everything that comes after it you know instead of because nobody likes to be shut down you know nobody likes to be told hey i don't want to hear what you have to say because for whatever reason she believes that you need to hear this you know it might be for your benefits so she thinks so preface whatever you're going to say with trixie again because you are so important to me trixie again because i value our relationship so much i'm going to remind you about the moratorium that i have placed on this subject just this subject remember and if she pushes it again you might want to say all right okay i can see that you can't help but talk about these things and as your friend i'm willing to listen but that's it i can only listen i cannot contribute because i don't have it in me anymore all right i i cannot so i'd like you to respect that and when you tell people by the way if you need to gently remind them using that particular phrase i'm sure you can respect that i'm asking you to respect that you can respect that can't you because it's it's a very rare person that is going to be like no i can't respect that i'm being i'm disrespectful right so that is how i would address that one and those are all the questions that i have for today thanks for the extra one and um so remember if you have a question make sure to leave it in the comments below and i will answer it in a video response like this and if you if you have watched these videos if you've made it to this point especially support this channel by sharing this on facebook and twitter and wherever else people go to get information like this and remember no matter what you say no matter what you have to say to somebody this is a very strange time we all find ourselves in and a lot of us don't even recognize the world around us but we do recognize the people around us and i hope that wherever you have landed you know after this shake-up we've all recently gone through i hope that you've landed in a place where you're surrounded with people that you love and who love you right back because you deserve that and they deserve loving words from you so whatever you have to say whatever you have to say you can find a way to say it in a loving way i can help if you need any so make sure to leave your comments for help send me an email dan at dentoconotraining and remember all of these tactics you can find in either my online programs my online courses at danoconnortraining.com at the store and if you get your vip pass we're coming up with so many so many new things i'm in many ways grateful for the shift not i'm not in any way grateful for coping i'm in many ways grateful for the shift in thinking and training that people have gone through lately so we're coming up with many new things before the price goes up to to offset the new products that we've come up with if you get your vip pass remember that you won't ever pay anything more for any of my training online virtual uh live online ever again so check out the vip pass if you'd like more training like this for you or your team and uh you can find information on that at danoconnortraining.com for everyone here at downer connor training this is dan o'connor signing off oh buddy's telling me it's time to quit thanks everybody i'm signing off

Channel: Online Communication Skills Training Courses

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Keywords: Dan O'Connor Communication, communication training courses online, Communication Skills Tips And Tricks, communication skills tips and tricks, communication skills, communication skills training, effective communication, effective communication skills, speak confidently, charisma on command, how to develop communication skills, how to improve speaking skills, how to tell someone you, how to tell someone you dont like them, how to tell someone you dont want to be friends

Id: wHAmqI5TW4s

Length: 27min 13sec (1633 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 12 2020