HOW TO BECOME GOD - Crusader Kings 3 Royal Court Is A Perfectly Balanced Game With No Exploits

and there we go our knight has wounded one of the other knights this is very standard because our knights are terrifying blade masters and were bam the entire enemy army was swiped we don't actually need them to help because all we need to do is march into battle spend a single day here swing a sword and enjoy total glorious victory hello ladies and gentlemen i'm the spiffing brit and today you join me in the wonderful world of crusader kings free oh my goodness it's glorious it's fantastic and today we're doing something very special we're going to be generating copious amounts of money by murdering people i know it's glorious it's fantastic and is of course very very silly today you join us in the wonderful body of big dave down here now big dave is exactly like you or i he's an absolutely brilliant strategist who's an aspiring blade master he's great at raiding and of course he's a giant on the streets and a giant in the sheets my goodness this boy is gonna be amazing uh he is of course an immortal now this is because i like playing one character in one long run so that's why we're going to be keeping your big dave around for a very long time now you might be struggling to actually place your big dave because very interestingly you can find down here in india in a place called new britannia now you might be wondering why enough we're playing someone who is effectively a norse viking right down here in india well the reasoning is simple thanks to the new culture mechanics in this game you can create absolutely absurd broken hybrid cultures and the hybrid culture we're going to be making is going to be absolutely silly because we're going to be able to get vikings and put them on elephants that's right elephant viking warriors that are then going to make copious amounts of money how are we going to make money well right down here in the dynasty legacy tree is making a killing which gives you gold from quite simply winning battles it's completely broken and a horrifically wonderful way of making money but we of course won't just be playing big dave today no no no we'll be playing the house british that's right the british dynasty with a very simple motto of swiggety swooty we coming for that booty the british are going to expand and take control over large parts of the world but most importantly we're going to gain a lot of renown and do some very silly stuff so first things first we need to create a hybrid culture now this hybrid culture is going to be a mix of our lovely norse culture which is very jazzy and the local culture which is aurea the reason we're doing this is because it then means we can start recruiting elephants and also abusing the horrifically broken culinary artist and lords of the elephant bonuses now we of course need to set up big dave and that means we need to go wife hunting now when it comes to finding wives there's a whole bunch of ways you can do this you can find wives based off of their incredible traits maybe they look like a frog or maybe they have really good stats and that's exactly what we're looking for today as ozlem here is going to be perfect she's got 12 diplomacy 19 stewardship and a decent bit of marshall she's going to massively boost up our stewardship stat which of course is exactly what you need in a wife if your wife isn't eating your stewardship up into the skies what's the point of even having her next up we need to choose our lifestyle of course we're going down the chivalry focus as we're going to be leading most of our own armies into battle because big dave is no coward he is big and he is dave anyway we need to raise up our raiders and of course no we're not gonna have this decrepit 67 year old man lead our army no no no no no we will lead our army we are of course a reaver and an aggressive attacker this is going to allow us to of course kill more of the enemy and consequently eventually make more money from their corpses but for the time being we need gold and we need gold fast so it's off down to the little count to the south of us to start punching some of the local peasants for their pocket money right and the raiding has begun fantastic it takes us a few days to raid each province but the benefits of raiding is that there's a chance you capture the dude who owns the province when that happens well guess what you can ransom him back to himself i know it's effectively free infinite money so that's exactly what we're gonna do he's gonna hand us 57 gold just to be set free from our prison lovely stuff and then with that money we're going to invest it to gain more troops so that we can then steal more people it's the endless cycle of abduction and it always works there we go another successful raid with 143 gold in the bank and oh our first son has been born they want to call him nile but no no no no he shall be big steve and he is going to be glorious he is of course big steve big dave's son because he's the son of big dave this naming system is not going to get complicated at all i'm sure oh yes it's happened ladies and gentlemen we have become a viking that's right ladies and gentlemen that gives us more prestige more marshall more prowess and also we just look even greater now oh we have a brand new sun and my goodness he's tiny so we're gonna call him tiny tim he is um absolutely minute but hey he's perfect and don't know we've discovered a plotted court my spymaster's heard rumors that someone is trying to murder big steve no that will convert a big steve please he's too perfect and glorious we need him alive he's got to rule the lands that i don't want to rule oh dear oh no and my wife is dead although to be fair i lost stress because god i really hated my wife apparently okay goodbye awesome we're gonna need a new wife wife 2 electric boogaloo who hopefully has even more stewardship and oh yes you do right wife one is dead say hello to wife too she's gonna be even better than wife one so ladies and gentlemen we finally got garnered enough renown for the house of the british people led of course by the noble squirrel holding an axe on an elephant uh we managed to pick up our first renowned trait in the pillage tree now this means that regardless of what culture we are and what rank we are and heck even what religion we're following we're going to be able to continue going down this tree for all of its lovely bonuses most importantly of course making a killing so now that we have our first point in renown in the lovely british empire it is time for us to create our brand new culture by merging the rio culture with the norse culture to create a weird hybrid tea drinking culture we shall be known as the tea drinkers we'll be a bellicose court which of course massively improves our ability to fight and have greater men at arms and now we also get to pick our traditions now when it comes to traditions we have a few very important ones namely we want coastal warriors so that we can get some great troops we're going to keep malibu invaders as well but we're picking up the ability to gain renown from feasts have really really powerful elephant units and of course float around on the sea it's going to be glorious so it's time for the start of the tea drinking culture to exist so i'll be back once we've made our culture there we have it ladies and gentlemen the birth of the tea drinkers oh it's absolutely glorious it's a new era for a new age of people now why did we do it well we also got to pick up a whole bunch of innovations for free namely we basically sponged off of all of the technological research that these local people had done which is fantastic for us as it meant we didn't have to research boring stuff like crop rotation but most importantly we gained a few very jazzy bonuses we've picked up the ability to have war elephants because um we now can and also we have the bamboo bow so we can have really overpowered archers that do insane amount of damage now sadly these archers are the perfect counter to elephant cavalry which means actually using elephants in india is not a good idea well for at least anyone who has access to these arches so we'll probably actually start moving eastward with our glorious new empire and speaking of our glorious new empire it's time we became a king because what we really need to do is gain as much renown as fast as possible and one of the greatest ways to gain renown is to be a king and have a very jazzy court so that's exactly what we'll do for this of course we're gonna need to get raiding ladies and gentlemen oh and also check out my elephants though because they're amazing here they are potential damage of 325 basically meaning each elephant has 32 times the damage of a regular peasant levy but it's actually increased even more by the effectiveness of my knights and a whole bunch of other stuff and effectively these elephants are unkillable marching stompy boys that are going to massacre anyone that comes in their way and considering there are effectively only two units that counter elephants and those units themselves are easy to counter war elephants are just glorious anyway we need to start making as much gold as possible so that means we're gonna go down to these kingdoms steal their family members and ransom them back to them it's the flow of money baby now we just need 500 gold in order to form a kingdom but don't worry that's an absolute walk in the park basically just need another 200 gold which uh we can probably gain by pillaging this lovely place oh and here we go we managed to steal a whole bunch of family members from this really rich king next to us which is absolutely wonderful there we go that should be all of the money necessary to turn ourselves into a mighty kingdom anyway we can now create the kingdom of orissa so it's time for us to do it we're bam although this isn't going to be the kingdom of orissa this is going to be even better we also even have our royal court check it out it's amazing we can put our little banners on the wall and look and see what our little bada design it's a squirrel riding an elephant with an axe it's perfect i love it anyway now that we have a court we can have a whole bunch of amazing bonuses from this for example at level one because we're a warlike court our knights are 10 more effective if we max it out to its end we can even have more men at arms regiments which means more elephants the stats for maxing out your court entirely to the end are actually insane so you can probably imagine that's exactly where we're heading towards anyway we're going to max out our court lodgings to make inspirations better we're going to increase the amount of servants we have although what we will do is keep food at decent level so that feasts don't become stupidly expensive right and this is going to raise our court grandeur up to level 7 which is going to make our men at arms even more powerful this is going to cost free gold a month but don't worry it's going to be worth it also one night effectiveness is now up to 213 jesus okay all right let's raise up some raiders oh dear i've got to show off what these raiders can do right now what i'm going to do is i'm going to take my band of 430 mary men we're going to go and actually leave india because there's a lovely region over here in mecca which gives us 91 loot for raiding and also it means we might be able to get a quick fight with the arabian empire which would be fun and a great way of generating more prestige so i'm just going to gain some supply by waiting in our own territory and then we're going to head off on a lovely raiding adventure oh my goodness actually worked we've arrived we're going to start raiding this is a realm which has an incredible amount of wealth and oh my goodness they're raising an army just up the road from us yes if we can attack them before they can successfully raise up their army we are 100 going to win okay no instead it looks like we're going to be fighting on these flat lands here right they've got 4 800 men we've got 4 200. it's a relatively fair fight of course excluding the fact that we're an aggressive attacker and we are doing 50 more damage than they are that's glorious success fantastic right well we did it we can ransom off some dude and we can continue merrily with all of our pillaging and i seized an artifact in my raid oh my goodness lovely i've stolen this um laminar armor that increases night effectiveness oh my oh my don't mind if i do all right now that i have so much money lying around i think it's time that i make some war elephants because i just love war elephants i think they're great they cost a stupid amount of money to maintain but they're amazing and i'm going to do something crazy we're going to add another culture trade to the lovely tea drinkers culture which we do because we've moved into the early medieval age era of the game we're gonna add only the strong now this only costs us 2000 prestige to do it's very easy it might not statistically on paper be the best culture to add but this bad boy is going to improve our night effectiveness by a hundred percent so i kind of have to add it it's gonna be amazing if we can actually get this bad boy in because with that improved night effectiveness well it's just gonna be absolutely insane when we actually send our knights out to fight and of course it means knights can only have above 12 prowess but um that's surprisingly easy to pull off because remember we can very easily just recruit from our prisoners great my wife's dead and that now means i'm controlling too many castles so i need a new wife with even more stewardship potential here we go we've got the um horrifically disfigured novice hunter here of our she will do perfectly and convince people that i am completely stable enough to hold more castles yes splendid this is how marriage works ladies and gentlemen do you want to feel true power the ability to change the entire world like big dave with just the wave of a finger you could miraculously make a difference ladies and gentlemen you can do that today just by pressing the like button that's right it's a bait and switch ladies and gentlemen wa-bam but yes now that i trick you you legally do have to do that anyway back to smashing the world to pieces so finally we've managed to pass our brand new bit of culture the lovely only the strong which has increased our night effectiveness by 100 of course it means we are now only able to have well a handful of knights because uh not many people actually fit the specific requirements of becoming a knight of us so we're only going to have around about 13 of them however we're about to be attacked by just under 5 000 men we do not have 5 000 men here however what we have are literal god warriors that are going to just slam the enemy in half and would you look at that we only lost 66 men and murdered 4 000 oh my god our champions can kill 1 428 people with a single swing and that's only 11 of them remember previously we were killing about 500 people with our 20 champions but now we are only using 11 of them and it turns out it's very effective oh my goodness i just had the greatest fight in the universe where we fought against an army that was mustering but didn't have any men amazingly the battle of ajirhoy where we fought against literally nothing but thin air someone on our side apparently died i don't know how but someone died oh dear right welcome back we're ready to absolutely break the game as we're about to unlock making a killing this now gives us five gold for every 100 fatal casualties we cause onto any enemy which is actually ridiculous now what are we gonna do with all of this well firstly we're going to do some pretty silly things namely we're gonna buy an artifact claim for the skull cap of charlemagne from the king of france now this item here makes knights even more effective so if we can get it into our court that's wonderful so i would love it please the next item i'd love to grab is the magnificent sword which is in the inventory of la francia now our odds of getting this item are rather limited i mean we can demand it but he'll accept because his military is weaker what oh i like this yep there we go i've become the new owner of this magnificent sword lovely and we get rid of this garbage dagger and instead get the magnificent sword in boosting our knight's effectiveness up as well as our pursuit efficiency now we need large pursuit efficiencies that will allow us to actually hunt down more of the enemies men anyway it's time for us to go to war with france as well because we'd love to get the lovely artifact that we have a claim on but instead of raising my entire army of 11 000 men we're going to be raising 125 elephants 1 000 archers 1 200 spearmen and all of my knights and this will be quite easily more than enough to murder absolutely everyone so bam i'm in charge of 2 300 men and with this army it should be more than enough to actually take paris right we've arrived in france just in time for my personal champion to die which is great fantastic but one thing i can do is i can have tiny tim here improve the power of my knights by a further 58 so you know what i'll have to do that that seems great because if we can make these knights literal gods then that's exactly what i'm aiming for each of them will effectively be space marines walking around in power armor waving their hands and as they do of course thousands of peasants will simply explode on fantastic the french have arrived and it looks like they're ready for a fight this is going to be a great way for us to of course make copious amounts of money as we're going to probably murder all of them they have 6 000 soldiers we have 2 000 it's one in free odds however our elephants ladies and gentlemen are not counted by anything because no one in europe is actually designed to fight elephants and there we go just like that it's total victory we get 315 gold because 6 000 french people died and if we look at the details we can see that our elephants killed 600 people and our champions killed 1 600 each of these champions over the span of literally one week killed a hundred people what the hell jesus oh dear they're fantastic there we go enforce demands and gain my lovely skull cap perfect and now that i have my skull cap my knight's effectiveness has gone up even more and up to 353 i love it okay my lovely metadatas have become veritable gods it's glorious one eternity later welcome back ladies and gentlemen we sit upon the precipice of my total galactic domination well i say galactic domination worldwide domination with the founding of the glorious spifftopian empire as there is pretty much nothing in our way stopping us from total victory now you'll notice we hold constantinople we also interestingly hold antioch and we also hold jerusalem why is that well it's because we've changed religion to the orthodox christianity and the reasoning is simple because we hold this holy site we gain martial per level of devotion and well seeing as pretty much all of my vassals also became orthodox this has been fantastic because it means all of our knights have become even better look at my son tiny tim he has 44 prowess the boy is a verified space marine because with 500 percent night effectiveness these people can't die but it could be better because ladies and gentlemen we could have our own religion one where we're not just the physical emperor of realm but the spiritual emperor of an entire religion so that's exactly what we're going to do so it's time for us to make our own religion we're not going to of course be the orthodox we're going to create a brand new faith this is our new religion yorkshire tea it is going to be the greatest religion of all time and of course it's going to be completely and utterly broken for three main reasons number one the head of faith is going to be me and because i'm the head of faith and we have the communion tenant people are going to be coming to me as the head of faith to seek indulgences for their sins as a result they're going to be giving us money constantly and this money is going to make us filthy filthy rich secondly all orthodox characters have their prowess boosted by four and finally we can declare glorious great holy wars which will fantastically expand our borders so with that it's time to create the tea drinkers and here it is ladies and gentlemen the great yorkshire schism that's right the orthodox clergy have lost their way and it is time for the yorkshire priests to rise and it is i who will personally lead the burgeoning yorkshire ism movement yes as the patriarch ah yes it's like being a primark but even better because i'm the emperor himself and we shall lead our glorious empire now our night effectiveness is also up to 498 percent now night effectiveness actually increases the amount of prowess a knight has for example if you have a hundred percent light effectiveness and your knight has 10 prowess then they fight with 10 prowess but if you have 200 effectiveness they will fight as if they had doubled the prowess in our case we have five hundred percent night effectiveness this means primark tiny tim here with his prowess of 48 is actually having his prowess times by five meaning his prowess is actually 240 and if we bear in mind that their prowess is their damage and each prowess is a hundred points of damage then one of tiny tim's swings is enough to do 24 000 damage tiny tim here could punch a hole for the bloody universe and i have 60 prowess oh my god i wonder how much damage i could do 60 pro s okay big dave apparently can do 30 000 damage with each swing okay that's good right what are we gonna do with our power well we're gonna attack someone i think we should probably attack the entirety of egypt we're going to declare war for their entire kingdom uh it only cost us 300 piety because it's cheap as heck and we might as well so i'll declare the war what i'm going to do is of course just raise the men at arms we do not need anything else other than our men at arms our men at arms are glorious warriors of chaos and now the army is ready 29 nights ready to march into egypt and cause some chaos it's going to be glorious oh and we get a fight straight away oh yes it's the 5 000 troops of the egyptian army versus our lovely force right first day of the fight ladies and gentlemen we immediately opened with an advantage of 86 which is enough to increase our damage by 172 percent uh that's basically almost tripling the amount of damage we're doing which if we remember is now meaning that tiny tim is hitting for pretty much just over 60 000 damage and there we go our knight has wounded one of the other knights this is very standard because our knights are terrifying blade masters and were banned the entire enemy army was swiped did we lose anyone yes we lost 26 men of course of course we did 11 bondies seven of the pigs and four of the huskars but our knights managed to get 1881 kills we don't actually need to have anything in our army other than the knights the knights are enough to one hit every single army they come up against and we captured pretty much all of the enemy knights and commanders as well oh this is glorious oh no and apparently the pope has called a crusade for jerusalem against us okay this is quite interesting i've never had a crusade called against me by christianity so this is gonna be exciting uh it's gonna launch in 18 months time uh apparently the relative strength of the defenders is going to be fantastic but hopefully we see a very large army march up to fight our stack of 2000 men because that's going to be glorious anyway we've just conquered the entirety of the kingdom of egypt so um this is now all spifftopian land oh my god oh and it looks like the crusader started lovely they have 26 000 troops and i have 2 400 and that shall be all that i need now of course we are being technically joined by this gigantic dynasty over here to defend the kingdom of jerusalem because they're also getting attacked but we don't actually need them to help because all we need to do is march into battle spend a single day here swing a sword and enjoy total glorious victory and there we go the battle of jaffa where we lost 70 men and they lost eleven thousand our knights killed four thousand hundred uh with zero casualties the top knight of course tidy tim's laying 300 of the enemy um their best knight with a prowess of 26 which is good but it's no tiny tim managed to kill seven people oh dear oh dear oh dear now what do we do with all the prisoners we throw them on the funeral pyre of course yes that's less commanders for the enemy to field ah lovely well the crusades are off to a cracking start well bam that's another glorious total victory how's their army looking they've still got nineteen thousand soldiers of course they're just um gonna take a little bit of a while to arrive oh and lovely the crusading forces are back they are here better than ever uh there's even more of them except they all have much less supplies because for some reason they are starving to death which i suppose is standard for crusading forces there is just one issue we are going to march right into the centre of them and murder them all using the combined might of elephants and space marines and yep in we go and that is one glorious total victory straight on to the next one ladies and gentlemen up the coast well bam that's another total glorious victory uh all of these glorious battles against these armies they're going fantastically uh i think we're pretty much done here we can end the holy war and um that's the end of that we are looking very smug and happy with ourselves we've proven once and for all that the power of yorkshire tea immortality and spiffism is enough to conquer the entire globe in one glorious foul swoop we have created an unstoppable nightmare army which is literally comprised of just 29 people and a whole bunch of elephants and that is enough to defeat the entire world combined it is physically impossible for us to lose our knights are too powerful anyway ladies and gentlemen i've been the spiffing brit this has been a fantastic adventure in crusader kings 3. if you've enjoyed today's video then make sure to give it a like and if you want to see the continued adventures of big dave as he maybe conquers the entire world then make sure to give the video a like and hop on down to the comment section to decide where we should invade next should we look east should we look west should we look north anyway as always thank you very much for watching a huge thank you to each and every one of our amazing youtube channel members and patrons who make these videos all the more possible seriously thank you very much you majestic sausages and if you sat there wondering what video you'd like to watch next well look no further than this one on screen now hand chosen by myself to be absolutely perfect for you trust me you're gonna love it anyway i'll see each and every one of you in the next one have a lovely day and goodbye for now

Channel: The Spiffing Brit

Views: 1,363,012

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Id: YI9PjEz7Ghw

Length: 24min 57sec (1497 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 25 2022