HIGNFY S54E01 Alexander Armstrong, Roisin Conaty, James O'Brien

there's a problem with my mic apparently i can hear you [Music] good evening and welcome to have i got news for you i'm alexander armstrong in the news this week after the disastrous speech by theresa may conference organizers admit they failed to run checks on exactly who was making the scenery at a school in battersea after he comes second in the egg and spoon race classmates are forced to take action as prince george throws another tantrum and in manchester after a disastrous speech cctv shows theresa may leaving the conference center relieved that the worst is behind her on ian's team tonight is a comedian who claims that if she ever met a lion she could make it her friend which is why we are delighted to have booked her before her open air gig next week at longleat please welcome rusheen connerty angry pool tonight is a radio phone in host who debates controversial topics with angry opinionated callers so his show is sort of what twitter would sound like please welcome james o'brien and we start with the biggest stories of the week ian and roshin take a look at this oh there's the former prime minister it depends when you're watching god that's not the next one someone's coughing oh there she is handing out sweets ah there's the tory housing policy [Music] so much happened yeah no it's extraordinary i mean i thought it'd be terribly boring like most conference speeches but it was just fabulous um and i know a lot of people are probably nicer than me felt very sorry for her but i thought it was very very funny it's a bad time when a cough sweet goes down better than you do some viewers may find this scene excruciating 10 years after northern rock we've created record numbers of jobs [Applause] why why would you never she coughed so much it felt like she was going to start coughing insects like like an actual horror film but it's that moment when you're talking to someone who doesn't really believe what they're saying and they're saying yes i'm i'm really the person for the job uh everything's going great coughing does not do well for female politicians her and hillary clinton they're cold have destroyed them well ian duncan smith used to cough a lot do you remember he was another successful tory leader he never had it that bad though no you don't think so there's no he's a sort of much lower level cough based problem theresa may took it to i mean she weaponized that was quite incredible i felt i can't believe you didn't feel any sympathy for her at all not even a scintilla um oh dear i did i think i'm coming across as a bad person i only felt sorry because of boris i feel that she's that was such a bad day that it was almost a win for boris and i feel that's the only so i feel like i hate him so much that you want her to have a better gig you know why don't she sack boris she can't she can't can she sack boris why because if she hacked him he gets to walk away from brexit while simultaneously being able to claim that if he'd stayed in the government it all would have gone much better than it's clearly going to go you know she can't allow him the pleasure it's like you know he's essentially an arsonist who wants to come back dressed as a fireman yes yes where's the fight it was one of her certainly she's been accused of being robotic so one of the conservative backbenchers today was making the rounds of the tv studio saying she's made a very strong metal which i thought was there an upside though to the coughing no she got a sweet she got she got it she got lots of ovations didn't she a lot of applause well i think the the cabinet particularly amber rudd decided that to give her more time they would get to their feet but she didn't tell boris i i do hope you've got this bit of fun we have got this let's have a look at this let this party celebrate the wealth creators the risk takers the innovators and entrepreneurs thank you there was a very good debate at the conference and people saying what did amber rudd say to get him to his feet someone said it was quick my husband i mean he's not even backstabbing him he's stabbing her in the front just like him oh don't give him what he wants that's the other that's the poison it's a rock and a hard place he doesn't you know behave in any way that deserves to stay but she needs a chance she can't show power because she hasn't got any you weren't moved by let the lion roar it's a quote from churchill and he's always trying to be churchill the dog in the ad oh yeah do you want to be leader oh yeah will you do anything oh no quentin let's spotted another upside what was what was that is it that because she managed to get to the end of her speech then to use his word um negotiating the toughest thing that the country's undertaken since the second world war would be a sin no it wasn't no he said he said but possibly the first time in her political career mrs may was not boring what was the what was the other thing during the speech obviously that helped unite the crowd behind her the uh practical joke the p-45 the prankster anything more depressing than a prankster uh here here it is and it's the conservative party that has a vision of an open global self-confident britain while our opponents work with the foreign policy of neutrality and prepare for a run what i did like about her it's something very english when you still take the leaflet even though you're quite busy okay thank you the incident raised all sorts of questions around security obviously yeah i mean you know how could someone under 16 not around suspicion after days of poorly delivered jokes from almost all the speakers finally there was some fantastic comic timing is it the handing of the lozenge no it was the fridge magnet falling off the slogan behind let's uh let's just have a little look at that of modern britain in all its diversity compassion and strength that were shared i mean those letters had been up all week why was now the moment that they fell well people say that at a certain point the prime minister runs out of luck um it just happens to you when everything's going wrong yeah it's like the end it's like the complete end she's not so much as occupying the office of prime minister it's haunting it i mean again it's difficult to make up but the first letter is is f so it's an f off they were magnets weren't they they were but they were the theory is that because the the applause and the rousing cheers was so loud that it shook the magnet off the back of it sort of created anti-magnetic continuously the stud sounds like a vortex either that or there were several advisors to theresa may the one she's got left behind the panel banging their head so hard um it wasn't long before all that was left of the of the slogan was in fact this it could have been worse [Laughter] well ironically uh the tories only switched to these smaller letters to avoid pr disasters like this uh shall we do a quick before and after of the cabinet here they are joyfully arriving welcoming theresa may here they are as the true horror of the speech dawns on them and here and here and this is the audience look at this [Laughter] 15 of respondents to a yougov poll said that the speech had gone well fifty which is there's no way that could just be the cabinet fifteen percent of people fifteen percent of people watched that and thought yes yes that's going well which makes you wonder what it would take to lower that number from fifteen percent she could have stood there and melted like the witch at the end of the wizarding world she said 12 think it went rather well she's a puddle on the floor 10 still i still think it's gone rather well it's it's 15 you sure that isn't just members of the labour party those are brilliantly fantastically i mean she makes jeremy look good as a speaker which is quite something i mean behind all the coughing i think she was trying to say something did anyone catch the substance of of the speech she had a brilliant policy about energy caps that is um ed miliband we heard that before yes she had a brilliant policy about housing which is a sort of watered-down version of jeremy corbyn's and there was something else that she probably nicked off um clemently but i couldn't make it out renewing the british dream of course the british dream you knew the british dream oh i've had it many times it involves being found naked in a queue [Laughter] while the other queue over there keeps getting shorter and meanwhile tuition freeze fees are being freeze he's freezing is going to thrill the average age of 72 members of the tory park isn't it that's really the average age 72 tory party members 72 no no that's just the young concept [Laughter] is she i mean is she done for is that it can she can she carry look there's a repeat they're gonna know you've asked a question of people who usually got it wrong in the past i predicted trump member last series and you said you said stop being so pessimistic yep i'm always wrong jacob rees-mogg thinks she can stay for quite a bit longer have a look at this yeah he's just waiting till he's 18. jerry's may stay as a leader forever and ever for what day eternity even attend his two short to extol her so why do people think amber rudd is now sort of lining herself up for leadership what happened in her camp she's hired linton crosby he has um and he was behind the last conservative landslide yeah minority government uh does he last do anything right the london mayor he he managed to stop us getting zach goldsmith um he was working for him against the card so that was quite good i'm all for crossbar they should hire him forever i think what's the real scandal associated with amber rudd the real rudd scandal it's not this traffic light joke it is a secret joke it is yes uh about a year ago paul merton made this joke amber rudd mary something called green and she'd be like a traffic light wouldn't you be amber rudd green just occurred to me that's all good and then eight months later labour's alan johnson said this am i the only one who thinks amber rudd sounds like a traffic light sequence so so she i said that on the program about eight months ago [Applause] but it turns out the gag's even older than that because here is some footage from series one [Music] oh i was wrong what have the tories been doing to target the youth vote they've got a conservative instagram yes which is so bad and it's so incongruous because instagram's such a forward modern sort of positive fundamentally showing look how good life is look how good my life is yeah from the sad sacks out there miserable showing off put it away have you got an account don't be ridiculous i'd really like to see you have an account just take some daily photos the conservative interest they've been bringing all the excitement of the behind the scenes stuff at the conference uh we've had things like damian greene uh strikingly holding some paper by a beige wall jeremy hunt handsomely by a red door and uh my favorite this is uh michael fallon relaxing backstage that's not gonna get the kids i don't know what instantly as part of the youth charm offensive philip hammond gave an interview to the mail this week he was asked to describe himself in one word what do you think he said chilling hammond paused for a while and then replied fiscal there's quite a lot of corbyn bashing going on at the conference as well philip hammond theresa may boris johnson they all attacked labour for taking us back to the 70s and ruth davidson uh questioned corbyn's confusing triumphalism saying corbyn hasn't even won a raffle yet how does she know actually hybrid east labor party we're quick to point out can confirm this is not true and of course the lib dems had a conference too did anyone see that no neither did i but here is a highlight [Laughter] wow yes this is the tory party conference and theresa may's comeback speech theresa may's speech did actually include many major policy announcements but they were all obviously overshadowed i mean i'm sure jfk did some other stuff in dallas that morning theresa may's premiership has been under you're right yeah i think i'm okay theresa may's premiership has been under threat for a while but this must be the first time that the coffin itself could be the final nail paul and james take a look at this yes okay there's a clearly an animated rocket taking off oh yes this is uh rocket man i think this is a republic serial called revenge of the rocket men no that's the man that donald trump thinks is the leader of north korea little rocket man little rocket man it's about transport flying it is yes a guy that claims he's going to be taking people from london to new york in half an hour something like a space up into space but um is anybody cold in here by the way does it feel cold if we could have the uh less cold it'd be good um oh i was i was enjoying chilling [Applause] essentially you're going to be able to get from new york to london and back in half an hour although there's no reason why you wouldn't want to do it necessarily but one of those stories is in five years time it's going to happen in five years time it's always in five years time i do it apart from this occasion it's seven years time this is elon musk he's the billionaire inventor elon musk elon musk that's what i'm wearing remember um and it's his new space rocket travel service operational he reckons within seven years yes you know what the rocket is called big effing bfr it stands literally for the big [ __ ] rocket how big is the milk bottle it's going into it is that actually what he called it yes the beer it's not the big friendly rocky thing you must go on instagram you're not ready ian look this is how it's going to work it's amazing how every country looks like north korea when it's got that diagram um what are elon musk's plans for this rocket he said he wants humans he wants us to be a multi-planet species yes so he wants us he wants to set up sort of stuff in mars he basically knows how to get us there but he doesn't know how to sort of keep us alive how did he suggest mars might be warmed up quickly pull it nearer to the sun explode a thermonuclear device at each pole he's a bond villain he's even got the name he's ridiculous we're falling for it it'll be too late when we're colonizing the moon his evil plan will have come to fruition but even before the mars thing it's getting around the globe yes he thinks we could uh pop to australia for the day which is good because the only thing that stopped me going until now is the thought of not being back in time for neighbours i know that it bodes well for our planet for us to have a plan b do you mean like we're not gonna save i don't think we put enough effort into saving our planet if we know we've got a backup a bit like trying to save a marriage whilst going on tinder i don't think we should have any any sort of place and how bad would earth have to be for us to want to live on to go to australia but i mean the g-force alone would probably kill most people yes that's interesting well that's because he's got other ideas there's the hyperloop this is a network of tubes around the globe that can fire people from one place to another in seconds i mean i'm into this guy you sounded crazy but i like it and he's building something absolutely remarkable right now what that what he's building which i think is brilliant this could be fantastic yes what is this it's the world's biggest battery bfb there we are what's the battery going to be powered in the little window it's good no it's this is a it's a 100 megawatt wind-charged battery that will power south australia indefinitely or an iphone for for a couple of days elon musk an interesting man he has a two pizza rule do you know the two pizza rule of elon musk is no but i'm even liking him more he said if there's a meeting that can't be fed with two pizzas there are too many people in it oh nothing worse than a tight billionaire which which travel company won't be providing much competition for the the bmr this is right absolutely right yes because they they went bust why why they they run out of planes yeah the exchange rate did for them yeah they did go to a lot of places that people don't really want to go to anything this is true sharma shake is not it's not a big big draw now is which airline has had a record number of bookings this year ryanair yes ryan too many bookings despite all the cancellations due to shortage of pilots monarch have a few spare uh ryanair's bookings increased by a million in september wow that's an amazing thought isn't it cheap flights i suppose no frills no frills no no pilot yeah during during the mass cancellation what did ryanair offer some of its passengers by a way of compensation punch in the face i think i would take that over what they offer a replacement bus service ford isn't going to get you australia in a day this is the news that billionaire elon musk is planning to build a rocket known as a bfr or big [ __ ] rocket according to the daily mail the bfr would make it feasible to pop to australia inside an hour which could be good news for england's cricket team as ben stokes might be able to play for them on day release it's been a turbulent week for air travel monarch went bust and hundreds of thousands of ryanair passengers faced hours of cueing and misery as their flights went ahead and so to round two the picture spin quiz fingers on buzzers teams [Music] paul and james oh now what's his name benton jeremy bentham he's the guy that sort of is at university college of london that's right he died sometime in the 19th century and it was in his will that he had to attend um all sort of meetings of a particular council meeting whatever and so they put him in the room and he's allowed to vote or he sits there or something he sits there and they all have to sing oh jeremy this is the news that the mummified head of 19th century philosopher jeremy bentham will actually go on display for the first time in decades according to telegraph bentham insisted his body be preserved after death so it could be wheeled out at parties if his friends were missing why did his head get separated from his uh probably decomposing at a different rate or something there was a mummification mistake his head was deemed too distasteful for the general public and it was removed i mean how bad can it be come on let's have a look 15 of conservative voters paul said the mummification have gone really well it's got the expression that women use when they're putting on lipstick they're not realised are they no no ucl did try to minimize the impact when the head was first put on show uh this is how it used to be displayed yeah that's fine that's fine absolutely fine nothing wrong nothing wrong oh dear um elsewhere in the news what other thing that some people find quite repulsive might be going on display in a museum soon that big old thing yes in the sewers made of wet wipes yes here it is the great london fat bird 250 meters long 130 ton mass of congealed fat wet wipes nappies and condoms found blocking a sewer earlier this month which the museum of london are interested in putting on exhibitions yeah they kept saying it weighs the same amount as 10 double decker buses i love it when they weigh things in things they should be more than buses like a thousand hair dryers four squirrels 85 000 egg cups it's very um hard so it's incredibly difficult to move that i thought it was some you know huge sludge sludgy slimy thing that would come and get you know doctor who 1917 oh no it's the fat burg [Laughter] i shall block your arteries this is the mummified head of the philosopher jeremy bentham where is it i'm actually not wearing it now she's wearing it now according to the telegraph once a year the head is examined to check the hair and skin aren't falling off jerry hall has to do the same thing with rupert murdoch also this week it was revealed that part of a fatberg may go on display at the museum of london the task of removing the fatberg is now underway even as we speak workers are down in the dank sewer firing a jet hose at the congealed mass of stinking fat excrement and used condoms all of them thinking it could be worse i could be prime minister okay fingers on buzzers teams [Music] yes paul and james ah this is the uh interview in saga magazine yes claire baldwin gave um and the journalists who interviewed her complained afterwards that claire boarding was allowed to put in her own quotes after the piece had been written that's right quite harsh though some of the questions do you ever put sugar in your ear to attract uh she did an horses with ginny griffith saga magazine who then claimed the star had had the interview edited to make more of how lovely she was how did dooghery react to her interview being changed she was very cross she was she gave interviews didn't she yeah she wrote in the observer uh yes she accused balding of being an insecure diva saying her behavior was unsisterly and undermining of a fellow woman professional erodes the integrity of our public prince and claimed she couldn't say balding was lovely as she found her quite a brisk jolly hockey sticks type and that's how i wrote her do that do you think it was claire baldwin who changed the copy well she didn't have copy approval she said she didn't have coffee approval so it was the editor so if you ever have coffee approval you don't right yeah i don't know a lot of celeb pr is sort of a bit of a grey area right and it was it was her pr that changed the copy right and the editor said it has responsibility though to say yes or no right it is absolutely and there's no tougher responsibility [Laughter] i'm just chilling how did claire balding respond to this she denied it of course she did she said she wouldn't she said i would never ask someone to call me lovely gorgeous maybe that's exactly right i mean jenny doogray interviewed me once i didn't come out very well there's a small number of interviewers whose insights and opinion of the person they're interviewing are as interesting as what the interview he actually says and she's very much in that camp so it looks like an overreaction from the outside but i think from the inside it's hang on this is this is what i do but do you think if you're if you're taking the saga dollar if you're writing a saga interview do you think that's maybe i don't want to close down any future income streams so it's bad to give interviewees copy approval and that's that's something it's not really it's not the done thing well i mean the only thing when you're looking at me there's nothing you know that i have done this once in my career as a very young young journalist i gave copy approval to david beckham because it was the only way i was going to get the interview and how much of it was changed the whole thing changed one line and it's actually quite poignant it was very very young it was while victoria was pregnant with their first child and he said that he loves her and the baby that's on the way more than he loves manchester united and he asked me to take i've just ruined it now haven't i he asked me to take that out because some manchester united fans might react quite angrily on the streets of manchester and i agreed for saying you prefer your wife and child to your football team yes it is a mystery this game to me i would have been crossed if david beckham's people had come back and said we've inserted two paragraphs about his view on you know quantitative easing the utilitarian principles espoused by jeremy benson before he got mummified then i would have been a little bit well hang on a minute that's that's a great read though this is taking a turn what has marcel proust got to do with all this uh because he wrote a review of his own book he did saying he was lovely he wrote publicly he wrote pieces about all his this wasn't on amazon was it i really love that though how did he uh how did he describe his novel the remembrance of things passed what did he say i couldn't have written it better than myself he compared himself compared himself to charles dickens what did he write about his book his book swan's way yeah what mr proust sees feels is of complete originality this book almost suggests the fourth dimensions of the cubists it's almost too luminous for the eyes he must have on a kindle yeah claire balding has been accused of acting like a diva over a magazine article people use different means to influence what journalists say about them some demand copy approval others get their followers to go online and threaten laura koonsburg this is serious though if saga readers start to doubt the integrity of the interviews in the magazine they may start to question more fundamental truths such as whether rob briden really does spend all his time on cruises having dinner with the captain time that we all run out round african wild dogs yes billy gilbert thomas edison and the james bond theme okay so the clue here i think is billy gilbert he's known for two things appearing in lauren hardy films and also being the voice of sneezy yes in snow white and the seven dwarfs so it's about sneezing because i also remember about a couple of weeks ago the arctic dogs the african african dogs they communicate enough by sneezing to each other when they decide to make it where we're going to eat tonight and they sort of sneeze and they decide to go that way so it's about sneezing it is uh edison invented so many things so he must have invented an anti-sneezing thing which was essentially putting two small bulldozers up your nose or something and there's somebody who's allergic to the james bond theme and every time you hear they sneeze [Laughter] it it's definitely sneezing i mean you're most of the way there did edison record himself sneezing edison i actually filmed oh fred exactly thread on snapchat sneeze the first motion picture just about yeah here it is have a look this is when films are five seconds long it is exactly five seconds long there we are that's right you can slow that down just to get it there i can't wait for the sequel theresa may speech at the concern [Laughter] um but let's go back to billy gilbert because as you say billy gilbert's comedy routine was all about sneezing yes he's the voice of sneezy the dwarf dwarfs in snow white some dwarfs that's right here he is deploying his famous you've got a nice pair of legs though isn't he uh in 1931 this is in there those are tang stockings that's what's going on there uh here he is in the 1931 murder mystery chinatown after dark i came here with my brother he had an appointment here yeah you can you can you can was the secret of a comedy sneeze according to billy gilbert oh as he'd probably did they extend it out a bit but uh do a bit of that beforehand predict where the sneezes are going to be and then go for the sneeze he's right he he said he never actually practiced the sneeze saying anyone can sneeze the secret is to keep them guessing when it will come bbc bbc news reader sean lay certainly seems to have mastered this joining me now is thin thin hilan oxfam country director in sierra leone thank you for watching your very busy work to talk to us uh today what's the excuse me what's the latest situation so yes what's the bond sneeze connection well i don't know unless there's a villain that gave him away by sneezing like i can't think the theme the bond the original theme the monty norm the the monty norman exactly there was a song before called good sign bad sign it was about an indian man with a magic sneeze ah in fact we can we we can listen to it okay it's a great song yeah i was born with this unlucky sneeze and what is i came [Music] my father fell into the village pawned and drowned [Laughter] i think bond should have kept that we're doing like a tissue mr bob uh yeah edison's your audience now because he didn't sneeze it was fred [Music] yes they have all been influenced by sneezing apart from billy gilbert whose famous sneeze routine landed him the part of sneezy in snow white and the seven dwarves which led to a fair amount of professional envy from his stage partner bob farty sullivan time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication the pembrokeshire fungus recorder and we start with the highlight of uk fungus day for many was what going home [Laughter] was it the deadly nightshade tasting stall [Laughter] no it was of course the discovery of the phallus hadrianai or dune stinkhorn uk fungus day 2017 is actually this sunday sensible move as in previous years when it's been held on a weekday absences from work are estimated to have cost the british economy up to six pounds next the bacterial slime oozing from ray wilkinson's elm tree what seek similar is a fantastic foreign secretary on the top of his game have become colonized by yeast and developed a strong smell congratulations mr wilkinson you've struck marmite uh next outrageous sainsbury's launches taste the difference what choose [Laughter] edible gold caviar [Laughter] the gold is is to go on top of your steak you don't even buy any vegetables it comes with 24 carats um next farmer wow's audience by what rotating crops [Laughter] is it paying back subsidy wow's audience by playing vegetable flute this is a farmer in china and here he is [Music] and if you're not 100 convinced by the authenticity of that here he is getting a tune out of a tube of toothpaste [Music] that's just whistling that's just the tuba toothpaste doesn't need to be there next five years on from the launch of the best-selling volume fascinated by fungi pat o'reilly what launch is fascinated by fungi too is exactly right yes next now you can what with your pet cat dance sleep play the piano pee pee in toilet she can train cats to pee in toilets now not that you do it together now you can change the tv channel with your pet cap even has four pause buttons so is it real or just a pun i don't if you train the cat to go over to the telly and press i didn't have buttons anymore no you don't go over to the telly you send the button to do that don't you do it yourself you get me netflix [Laughter] next as a reward for keeping his dung moist mike bruxley he's having a roof put on his outside lavatory mike crutchley we found a collection of cushion-shaped fruit bodies with spore sacs each containing 32 spores now if any of us had got that they were doing quite remarkable yeah now we would show you a photo of it but uh mike crutchley has copyrighted it oh what the hell 24 pounds 50 let's go for it come on let's have a look there we go there's a waste of 24 pounds yeah and finally only fools and horses star met adolf hitler and what is it ken livingstone and regrets not killing him leonard pierce who played granddad and only fools and horses met hitler after a play in the 1930s the actor claims he did have a plan to kill the fuhrer but rodney under the wrong chandelier uh so the final scores are ian and roshin on four but paul and james winning this week with five [Music] but before we go it's just time for the capsule competition ian and roshin have this uh oh god it's the new kardashian lilo rage paul james get that uh this bird walks into a bar and he says to the landlord i'll have a vodka please no not says grey goose it's only on my father's side and i leave you with news that at the benlin factory there's evidence theresa may's cough medicine may have been tampered with there's a surprise for one man as he uses lynx aftershave for the first time and on a nostalgic reunion for the cast of summer holiday cliff richard accidentally turns left into crimea good night [Music] and if you fancy more satire when it comes to the news and world events over on bbc iplayer you can catch up with mock the week combining panel shows stand up and games with two teams of comedians all available now [Music] [Applause] they're definitely gonna sill his head and sing that again they are i'll do it with anyone now oh yeah come from

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Length: 42min 8sec (2528 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 08 2021