HIGNFY S40E09 Miranda Hart, Greg Davies & Marcus Brigstocke

yes you can't have a few words for level and those words will be to express my disappointment with this part of the audience for laughing at the height difference between [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is for you I'm Miranda Hart in the news this week for the first time in his life Boris Johnson doesn't have to lie to his wife about why he's come home all hot and sweaty there's a surprise in Downing Street as a member of the public delivers a piece of Nick Clegg's missing backbone and in Switzerland Dignitas launches a new service for its clients pets on Paul Martin's team tonight is a comedian who says he first realized he was famous when he was asked to sign someone's boobs I haven't watched them since news welcome Marcus print stop and with Ian Hislop is a comedian a member of the sketch group we are clang who rely heavily on slapstick and physical comedy to get there laughs well there's no future in that [Applause] [Music] no one saw that coming marvelous and we start with the biggest stories of the week Paul and Marcus take a look at this all right this is the Liberal Democrat MP isn't it mr. Hancock and that's his Russian aide possibly a spy yes sexy boots makes it be Sepp Blatter's boots that we've seen yeah we're looking forward to the World Cup bid see how that goes and that's Julian Assange and congratulations to Russia for successfully winning the World Cup in 2018 by three goals and they win the final so I mean this is a mixture of Russia and it mixed with football and FIFA and the spying or potential spy she might have been sort of studying a Liberal Democrat and Peach when they decide whose side he's on it seemed a fairly weird choice is that you were good well I think if you were going to send a spy from Russia yeah whether you would choose immediately a backbench Liberal Democrat MP for all the hottest information sleeper people don't make people to sit around doing nothing for years well I've definitely found one yeah some reason mr. Hancock is a honeypot for young Russians [Applause] perhaps not his most flattering picture no that is that's the best how could a spy get through the rigorous Commons vetting procedure for a searches job there isn't any if you get given the job by an MP you're in according to a common security spokesman unless you write on your application form that you're keen to do some spying [Applause] no one suspect Mike Hancock of being involved in espionage though and why because lawyers have asked you to say that yes mr. Hancock had a six-year affair with his constituency secretary who told the male he's no great looker but he charms his way into you he sends people teddy bears that's his technique finally works with all women that he's ever met send them a teddy bear and they're yours apparently it's lice enough to climb inside someone one MP told the times he is interested in Eastern Europe but his interest has more to do with the girls who lived there a euro MP who attended a hotel conference with Mike Hancock said him when he came down for breakfast he said he hired a local stenographer and they had got a lot of work done during the night exclude the possibility that these girls have a double mandate no this WikiLeaks stuff but this had turned up in your office what would you do as an editor of private why would you run with it or would you even like all journalists I've said are WikiLeaks yeah we all knew that already however had someone giving it to me I'd have put it all in whiskey and perhaps a trumped up charge somewhere and deported back to the 19 states where Sarah Palin has asked for this guy to be executed yeah because that will stop the internet then you see he should be hunted down with the same fervor with which we hunt down al Qaeda's leaders and she of course would horrify mr. Assange because that means that he'll have to live for nine years undetected in okay Mike Huckabee thinks he should be shot and killed as well how come he wants him tried for treason doesn't he yeah that work he's an Australian Australian yeah so crimes against Australian national interests in America he ever been photographed in a Corky hat I don't know what counts as treason in Australia it's different rules isn't it not being very good at cricket [Music] before it's been arrested in connection with alleged sexual assault this is the unusual thing about it this case has already been dropped in Sweden two or three months ago and now it's been resource of started up by a completely different prosecution a different part the country so it does look a little bit odd the timing of it is a little bit fishy but then I think we're finding everything a bit curious at the moment hmm I mean the fact that you know there's a Lib Dem caught with a woman it's being suggested that the Rao over the alleged spy is simply retaliation for Russia beating our bid to host the World Cup there was nothing fishy about the World Cup bid it's already one of the delegates said to butan beforehand you must come and see us in Moscow during the games yeah before the vote newspapers were going on because unfortunately with the people that have cast as a vote wood line they were saying yes we vote for you know what a time when we're slashing the money that we're pointing to sport to schools we spent 17 million on getting to votes yeah and one of them was our bloke yeah Danny for nothing he says afterwards do you know why and Beckham decided not to wear the same tie as Cameron and Prince William because he didn't go to Eton he said I didn't want to look like a bastard sorry eh Stuart I'm so sorry Prince William gave his all in the pitch to FIFA did you see it he included his best joke and please listen out for the response he got in the room I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions and celebrations I certainly hope so as I'm planning quite a big one myself next year [Music] and you know that was the bloke who wrote the joke was laughing there and gone oh my goodness that's a joke that wasn't that funny but when they said that Britain had fantastic infrastructure that was the day when most of us had spent six hours trying to get on a train to anywhere only to be told no trains don't go we can't tell you why and get lost a lot of your worldview seems we formed around the lateness of trains yes it's a complete confession at least it stops the seven eight years of we're going to win the World Cup business you know just going through that nightmare I think as well should we just do the Olympics and see how we get why don't we hold in 2011 and get a head start everybody else did 400 meters so he might not was last year the Qatar won it as well that's good because they're a famous footballing nation yes it's true Qatar has been chosen for the 2022 World Cup which is bad for England fans according to the Sun why there's easyJet not go there women are cover you can't drink there can you arrive drunk yes to stay pissed throughout the entire tournament very precise its famous what happened on the tubes after Boris banned drinking in London I had to know exactly how drunk to get before you set off which is where the delays make it more difficult to locate Qatar on the map because if you are then ITV News at 10:00 offered this very handy explanation these are happy Qataris but what or where is it remember not guitar its guitar and it's here next to Saudi Arabia how many people thought that the World Cup was going to be held on a guitar do you know what Boris Johnson's mature response to the rejection of engi for people gonna get hide your sight and get free hotels you Olympic Games have been canceled they've got to get their own breakfast now was it just set Blatter don't it was all yeah we're not paying for their breakfast it would be awkward having breakfast with him particularly if he had the set platter wouldn't this is the Russian Commons researcher who may be deported from the UK on suspicion of spying Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock has been associated with a string of attractive East European women but told the Daily Mail I have never entertained a woman in my room on a foreign trip I'm sure you haven't but have you had sex with them that's the question [Applause] speaking from Russia miss satella Vitas father accused the British of having a Cold War mentality no don't worry we've all moved on from that to World Cup stealing bastards the decision to award the World Cup in 2018 to Russia was a bitter blow to England's bid team especially Prince William will now have nothing to cheer him up in the air of his divorce right in and Greg here's your's Charles Kennedy in the rain me Nick Clegg's shaking hands a few people hail Akeem and they Oh No thank you violent and so does he Philip green that's a very sophisticated poster Oh they've been dragged out of Topshop you have to drag me in the result of its the Lib Dems yes this is some of them are not going to vote with their government two former leaders are not gonna vote with the man who took their job there's a surprise yeah so this is the country students continuing to ferment unrest on the streets one protester decided to interrupt the Turner Prize ceremony at Tate Britain let's have a look [Laughter] ironically she came second yeah so the students had an effect the Lib Dems were jolly worried but now they've decided that they would look more ridiculous if they didn't poke their own proposal than if they voted against their own proposal I'm just quite a fine balance but they've gone for the slightly less ridiculous option The Times had some advice for the Lib Dems and its leader column on Tuesday it's better to be unpopular than look ridiculous although they have managed to pull off both which is what's happened to the Lib Dems it's tragic just a few short months ago they were the Tim Henman of British politics no one really cheering for them and now it's oh it's the most fantastic mess it is which is why the students quite stroppy but for a big hit over the head with batons well that will make a student's shop it particularly if it's doing cash in the Attic now that it's settled that students have to pay for their own tuition can't we give them the option of how they can pay for it when I was at university at least two of my lecturers were alcoholics and I think they would have taught me for a vanload of duty-free there's one particularly predatory homosexual or I think we've done it for free to be honest snow struck in with a tone thingy the government had consulted you with their proposals funding issue could have been resolved so easily on Monday yato forced the world at one salient issues really good yes a man tended to be a Lib Dem MP he said he said I am this particular MP and he said I'm resigning on principle and then obviously all the wiseacres afterwards said well there you know course he's not a liberal MP a he knows what he thinks he's resigning on principle da Cunha what actually happened was that and they thought they were ringing a microcar tempie but they ended up bringing a builder there's a mix-up person who then went with it and said yes I am here according to the Telegraph when asked if he was going to resign over the issue he replied it is not so much I'm going to resign I am prepared to press to clarify the bill added if if I am backed into a corner yes I mean the mains the main thing what was the big problem the beginning was and then just burst do you know which young people's organization has come out in favor of the students this week see BBC Boy Scouts Girl Guides it's something called the woodcraft yes they're good people of across folk yeah they're basically if you want to be a scout to a brownie or something like that but you don't want to buy into the whole you Christians saluting at the Queen sort of thing then you join the woodcraft folk yes now The Telegraph described them as follows they could be best described as an achingly right on version of the Scout Movement that's rough you I said which like some hippie scout movement yeah I've never the only reason I joined the scouts was to the uniform I never would have joined if I'd said it forced me to wear a caftan I think they've got a uniform haven't they the woodcraft like yeah it's a native wicker that's how you qualify if you can make your own wicker trousers you get in there was some familiar Westminster names back in the news this week David chater do you remember him he admitted falsifying his expenses by naming his daughters as landlady which enabled him to claim rent on a flat to already owned and he also claimed for renting his mother's house despite never paying her any rent at all after submitting documentation supposedly signed by her but she was in a home without summers stop being angry and think oh you're so cunning you deserve to go away for a lenient sentence because of the shame he has faced as a result of his offenses yeah I'm not gonna get off murder trials by five lost yeah that's my train of thought train of thought delayed by some six hours [Music] at least you have the common decency to inform us that your trains my train of thoughts now so expensive I can't even get on it and you saw at Topshop earlier yes patel's have been making trouble for sir philip green yes suggesting he doesn't pay the amount of tax he should pay because the government employed to philip green amusingly as an adviser on waste and the obvious answer is well it would be less wasteful if you paid some tags his wife is based in Monaco yes so he says I do pay my taxes it's just she doesn't and all the money goes through her yes literally these students have got the idea in their head that if these people you know like Philip green and companies like Vodafone and stuff paid their taxes here that there easily be enough money to send people who deserve an education through the education system but I mean that's just muddle-headed isn't it and the amounts of tiny I mean the Vodafone figure is there only avoided six billion pounds that's right if the total of all the cuts last year so you know it's just silly there's six billion that they were saving was announced in the same week that they announced they were cutting six billion from welfare so it was nice how it sort of matched up it's like Topshop hmm everything matches but you're no stranger to the 10-pound rail are you ten pounds for rail travel Paul yeah you don't know this no man had to pan coins for eyes apparently so that was the suggestion that was the motivation for the crime but if you're gonna steal two pound coins you don't need to take the entire snow so you just leave the snow man blind would you I would actually suggest Paul that the snowman wasn't stolen it took its own life because it had tea spoons for art much more likely that the snowman just flew off to the North Pole you got that from that Aled Jones documentary you watch yes this is the controversial vote on raising tuition fees the Lib Dems have tried to limit the damage according to the Telegraph Vince Cable was given the task of writing to every Lib Dem supporter which took him nearly half an hour in an interview with a squire magazine Nick Clegg revealed that he recently had dog feces shoved through his letterbox isn't it marvellous what you can order on Amazon these days what you can train a doctor do and so to round to the picture spin quiz fingers on buzzers teams that was quick this is the Panda haha story yes you are right and what they've done in China is there's this rehabilitation centre for fact what I say rehabilitation centre it's not for piste pandas to try and reintroduce pandas into the wild and they don't want the young pandas to see too many humans because it makes their their wildness diminish yeah so they've dressed up in those fantastically convincing panda outfits here to trick the baby pandas here's a keeper dressed up as the Cubs mum walking about like normal pandas do two legs high-risk strategy this isn't it what if the Panda sees its parent ripping its own head off human head underneath what he'll then spend the rest of its time trying to get his own head off Eamonn Holmes they take ages to mate as it is we can't have baby pandas popping their own heads off at the altar but they don't they shoot a few years back they go pandas panda pond to try and get them fizzy and get them to get in to break into porn panda pond you know you give me any the titles well David acepromazine tweed in the Sun recently about panda sex you know is that overrated he says the penis of a giant male panda is only about a quarter of an inch long oh no what are they're not breeding you get insults like that you have no confidence we do but how would they compensate for the problem strap on [Applause] they leaned back they leaned back like that they put hunched their shoulders backwards then they which ones I've got and do you know what advice David gives to the panda population always bring a box of chocolates we first day put on some Barry black and white get yourself in the mood yeah whatever he actually says position is all so what is quarter of an inch can't work out feel resentful or jealous just just empathizing this story brought out the worst and the headline writers do you know what they went before hand mo Liam the son went with panda phony mum the panda costume scheme may have to be abandoned after one keeper realized due to an admin error he'd spent six months hand-rearing a [ __ ] in a baby panda suit fingers on buzzers teams is this the person in the House of Commons who used a line from this as a joke no sounds a very interesting story yes it's the revelation that's speaking to foreigners with a foreign accent makes you easier to understand oh yes I did read this you can't put on a stupid accent it actually works when you say stupid accents are you a refrain or accents that aren't English if you put on a convincing accent I see it doesn't have the same effect because you're not clear you're stupid in the sense that you're putting on an exaggerated French Swedish Belgian Russian Chinese accent and speaking very loudly and with one jump he was free the famous Englishman that has been picked out as an example of this well Blair does it if he's talking to the Builder starts come on it may have a cup of tea lovely for a year what he does bruce forsyth you is my laugh when I'm in taxis football don't know anything about football so I just have to go people make a body as well do you ever do that it's happened once or twice tonight where somebody leans back in somebody else saying that it's a part of trying to be part of the social group I think very much this story gave the Telegraph the chance to put together a list of terrible accents in films can you guess what made the list big van Dyke in the Mary Poppins will be number one yes absolutely Schwarzenegger has his own accent Sean Connery playing a an Irishman in the Untouchables he's not a big accents man Connery he to be honest like an English Secret Service agent was quite looks like a you build quietly they require a short kind of like a douche or Kony's accent I can't you have to say words that have s is in and then do a no lights out shell shoot your show you say something like this oh shoot Oh as quite as you want to know how [Applause] what you're more a bunch of more there's a sort of a reward so of anything a film Ximena I never you know never met him before I've ever seen one television the Saint that persuade as he came up to me said the most bizarre these came as we said I can hear [ __ ] all in is here also the other one I like David Attenborough said to me once you make me pee myself with laughter boys never support mind you I have got diabetes right fingers on buzzers teeth and there's there's James knock teeth on the Today programme radio for who's referring to Jeremy Hunt carefully Marr laughing about it later odd made exactly the same mistake again and then later on in the House of Commons on the same day an MP also use this word instead of using the word cuts it's truly said this I just hate these cuts it was but of course you didn't say but you have to be a careful you put words together I mean look at you look at the BBC show Antiques hunt right you guys got to be poor to be a common singular no because it becomes antique hunt yeah I'm not saying but I'm saying was the best today program I've listened to in quite a lot not so much the event itself you know it was a simple mistake and you sort of think well we mustn't be too childish about this but the way that Jim knocked II tried to recover we must listen because it is funny the 15th China so in the first what's happening in the course of the next hour well first up after the news is going to be talking to Jeremy come hunt the culture side broadband it's 8 o'clock on Monday the 6th of December condemned WikiLeaks after the website published a list of hundreds of facilities said to be vital for American security every community in Britain asleep access to the fastest broadband network spent five years excuse me and Egypt is called an international shock experts to mustard seeds of attacks pardon me massive cuts at the BBC my understanding is it's the most times that that words been used at the BBC since no lemons got stuck in a revolving door most of the headlines about this story they were worried whether it was a spoonerism or a Freudian slip that seemed to exercise everyone yeah because that would make him the whole church secretary yeah which I don't think anyone really thought no for the spoonerism is it it was so it was a Freudian slip yeah Reverend Spooner please glaze your asses for the queer ball Dean was hilarious potential of knock his surname without considering the pronunciation so the mirror had knockety language and Express had radio four slips up with knock keyword the male had oops who's been a naughty boy just doesn't worth it surprisingly the Sun came up chunks with a quite brilliant wait for it and rude more but it's one of those were big names it must have been pronounced naughty at one point and then sort of you know generations that go on or it's knocked it you know like sort of you know some people would sigh bottom sights city both them you know dictionary corner we've come up with a four letter word funny enough it was see you next Tuesday there was someone else making a very public apology this week that was Mick Hucknall yes yes didn't he apologize for sleeping with people as well he might he said sorry to three thousand women he is bedded and binned better than binged what is a recycling thing like plastic cups women have you slept with 3000 women it kind of kind of gives us the answers to how his band got its name it's obviously named after part of his Anatomy isn't it he said I wanted love from every single woman on the planet because I didn't have my mother's love he's confusing motherly love though isn't helium's fairly dysfunctional if that's what you were hoping for a mummy yeah this is BBC Radio 4's Today programme presenter James knocked E and the trouble he had introducing culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt it's the most hilarious introduction to a politician on radio for since Nick Clegg Deputy Prime Minister noxee apologized for the slip blaming the incident on a certain doctor Spooner or just as well he wasn't interviewing back-bencher Alan father maka round just one this week your for ARLA Cohen Brian Blessed K burly and Homer Simpson Oh Ian oh no me who was that looks like the wall you could have done some research I think this is probably about people cause and offense or being offended Brian Blessed was recently a function at the Savoy and somebody made a rude comment about the film Flash Gordon and he said well I'm not standing for this and he left burned a traveled some 15 miles away but he still made the speech and could be heard in the room is it people [ __ ] is that's gonna cost somebody seventeen pounds 50 that's so disappointing this program for years and the set is held on with double size Lucas made out of marble look you feeling the pressure right pressure yeah did you build this [Applause] I take them home I wear mine as a hat hichy five six we're talking about Brian Blessed yes so you were sort of right here Brian Glasser but he did something specific at that dinner strangled somebody made a prophesy he strangled somebody well this um character Lac Owen is a Trojan Prince then he was punished by two enormous snakes came out of the state and strangled him to death yes right we're talking okay Bernie was strangled by Adam Bolton she threatened to strangle somebody but didn't how she's your heart out you've got a team you've got they're not well we're going to be two separate exactly the same yeah cigarette [Applause] in fact so [Applause] Oh God so they've all tried to throttle someone apart from the Cohen who was throttled by snakes Brian Blessed had been due to speak at an after-dinner event at the Savoy last week before reportedly throttling a diner and storming out the diner as you said called the 1980 film Flash Gordon in which blessed starred crap and okay burly the sky news journalist was accused of throttling a photographer when there was some jostling outside Naomi Campbell's assault trial in 2008 do you know what she said about the incident I just lost it I went mental I just when the mist came down and I just went for it she said she said as far as I'm aware I did not put my hands around her neck only there was some evidence to dispute this sky news getting it done interviewed Labour MP Kris Bryant about the Commons debate on the news of the world phone hacking story and we can see that now do you have evidence that it's endemic not only at the news of the world but other newspapers pretty strong claim if you don't well the Information Commissioner produced a report which if you'd listened to the debate earlier yourself then you would know or if you'd read that report you'd see that he referred to more than a thousand cases in in various different newspapers I think it was something like 800 I've not got the figures with me now but something like 850 800 instances in the mail alone so you are in a position to have listened to the debate and to read them have read the report as a result you are content to say that on telly I have just said it you don't so think about the last phone message that was on your answer phone it might have been from a constituent like my last message phone message was last night recounting a pretty horrific incident that they certainly wouldn't want to be in the public domain or read over by some random journalist breaking the law you change your PIN so that wouldn't have happened that's not true no no no listen listen that is simply untrue it was nothing to do with pin numbers in my case don't say what you don't know madam on Sky News and going don't lie Sky News definitely gum Sky News the say don't lie I've applied for a job but they won't let me I think he really took the edge off that he really pinned her down until he used the word madam thank you madam camp flourish yes yes they have all tried to throttle someone apart from the Trojan priestly Cohen who was throttled to death by snakes kay Bailey recently interviewed pop star Peter Andre and asked how he'd feel if ex-wife Katie Price's new husband adopted his children after the emotional interview according to the mirror Peter Andre was choked but caleb early just can't stop herself country Brian blasted stormed out of a speaking engagement last week after a guest insulted the film Flash Gordon in which he starred according to the Daily Mail at the dinner for the Federation of wholesale distributors the guests included executives from Mars no wonder blessed stormed out to the planet [ __ ] has been at war with Mars for decades time now for the missing words oh yes this week features as its guest publication the UK roundabouts appreciation society news an excellent magazine and this month it comes with its own pullout unexpectedly section and we start with uproar at around about Society meeting as chairman watt declares love of squares Swindon's Magic Roundabout is not around about this is a report on a highly contentious issue in the roundabout newsletter entitled is our Chairman a contentious time seventy five its what a double because I live at 73 dangerous you should pull into the slow lane yeah I think it's something like it's wonderful if you can remember it pretty much spot-on it's great as long as you can remember it next taffer's roundabouts created what a vortex that's sucked in anything picturesque and all sense of hope actually when town planners coffee mugs left rings on Mac this is the 1960s planning meeting that saw the creation of toughest roundabouts at the same meeting someone also spilt their tea which is why Telford has a lovely artificial lake and thanks to all the smokers 18 crematorium and finally I've been asking roundabouts Potter's a rather teasing question what out of 10 how lonely would you describe if roundabouts didn't exist what would you spot because there aren't they know the answer is is the Elephant and Castle traffic Island round or square incidentally for those of you who aren't regular readers you may have missed this in the latest quarterly newsletter will fellow roundabouts spotters please stop asking my wife Linda to accept their subs as she is now my ex-wife she's left him why the final scores Ian and Gregg have three and Paula Marcus have seven Ullrich note we say thank you to our panelists in Hyslop and Greg Davis Paul Merton a Marcus brick stock I can't leave a clap like that that's a thought we were doing under the table ourselves love you well three people do and I leave you with news that after an informal wedding rehearsal at Westminster Abbey wills and Kate head back to the palace in a bid to appeal to the youth of today Pope Benedict the 16th base jumps from the balcony of suit Peters and at a panda sanctuary in southern China one of the keepers is informed that the gift shop has run out of backpacks good night [Applause] [Music] Clare Balding knows her stuff when it comes to questions on horses next the Knights Inn qix out let's do an exam for Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon the final episode of the trip is here on BBC 2 at 11:40 [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: BowmanHath

Views: 218,448

Keywords:

Id: IXctHdrHpA4

Length: 42min 23sec (2543 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 23 2020