Greatest Insult Comebacks You've Seen

what is the greatest comeback to her insult you've ever heard my best friend after an argument with some kid from our school in a shop we began walking away down the street kid where you going be friend your mom's house kid my mom lies the other way idiot friend now i meant your real mom 80 000 iq [Music] air traffic control doing a poor job of vectoring an airbus a330 and for landing pilot you've left us too high i don't think we can make the approach atc you've got speed brakes on that thing don't you pilot after a noticeable pause yes but those are for my mistakes not yours a friend in high school on our way to a track meet he was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice when this bag saw him debag why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one my friend the same reason you watch p the entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things i've ever heard game over man game over a dude in my class called out a semi-friend of mine the people are talking behind his back in fact that wasn't the case as far as i know and that guy said well you know what to say about you nothing nobody freaking cares i'm just impressed that you're friends with a semi so there was two girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own business and says you go to heck too my sister do you want me to say anything to your mom it's gotta be the aliens locker room scene for me hudson hey vasquez have you ever been mistaken for a man vasquez no have you that's what immediately came to my mind as well english class in middle school kid a yo kid b your mama waited on me at mcdonald's last night must feel like crap having a mom that works at mcdonald's kid b at least my mom gets out of bed to go to work english teacher far louder than he realized damn the rest of us were laughing so hard the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on i love it when the entire class laughs enough to bother the teacher next door context john oliver from hbo interviews stephen hawking may he rest in peace j.o and there may be a universe where i am more intelligent than you there may even be a universe where you are funny i lost count of how many times i've seen that video and it still makes me laugh the whole interview is just hilarious overheard by me the school bus driver one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader when it was time for a comeback first grader shouts out congratulations the bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus okay that's kind of freaking adorable joe pine interviewing frank zappa joe i guess your long hair makes you a woman f said i guess your wooden leg makes you a table many many years ago when we were about 18 a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew this person was trying to be a badass and intimidate my buddy he says my feet are registered without missing a beat my friend replies where health and sanitation 40 years later i still crack up at this when it comes to mind a guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying wow your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom the friend also rubs his head and says wow you're right that had to hurt i asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s she told me she wears makeup so she doesn't look like me savage i used to work with this like 70 year old woman she was our supervisor and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to kiss my butt and the old lady replied where do i start you're so fat your crack goes all the way up your back during world war one switzerland had a tiny standing army but they were very skilled marksmen wilhelm ii of germany asked what 250k swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k german troops the swiss said shoot twice and go home switzerland is actually neutral now in part because they were such good fighters many european countries hired swiss mercenaries to fight for them at least that's what i heard in a youtube video 18th century british radical politician john wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent sir i do not know whether you will die on the gallows or other parks wilkes shot back with that depends my lord on whether i embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress imagine hitting someone with such a burn that people are discussing it 250 years later if you weren't so stupid what would you be asks the husband the wife replies without even skipping a beat single ha ha love it nice one i was the one insulted but not the one with the comeback i was out with a co-worker and her friends and my buddy and i were leaving a little too early for her sensibilities she jokingly got up in my face and said smell that smells like pa guy playing at the pool table next to us stepped forward and said i'm sorry that must be me i just ate it was amazing smooth goddamn definitely a great comeback but not to an insult more to an annoyance i was a camp counselor for a few years at a summer camp one day my group took a hike to a large rock where we had lunch my campers were between 8 and 10 years old this one kid we'll call jeff keeps poking another kid we'll call matt in my group to look at this hole in the rock it's so cool it's like six inches deep and the other kid is clearly getting annoyed just trying to eat his lunch he keeps shoving sticks into the hole and trying to get everybody to look at it finally matt just puts down his sandwich looks at jeff and goes i'll be six inches deep in your mom later if you don't shut up i was trying so hard to be stern with this kid for saying something so inappropriate but i kept cracking up it was just such a disproportionately ridiculous thing to say coming from a nine-year-old to be fair those are impressive numbers from a nine-year-old my grandma got into a fight at the grocery store with a guy who told my nine-year-old brother to move the frick out of the way they were going at it and his final words were suck my dong b she said across the store if i could find it b grammar don't play there's a story about margo asquith a british socialite and author meeting jean hollow and correcting hollow's mispronunciation of her first name no no the t is silent as in hollow chelsea handler told russell brand the way you are looking at me makes me wants to cover my vagina he replied mom if i had a rubber glove i'd do it for you crowd burst into laughter and she even acknowledged that was good my grandparents used to bicker my grandmother generally came out on top as she was fierier one time though she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff and he muttered if you'd lose some weight you could do it yourself she fixed her gaze on him and glad i'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 pounds of useless fat immediately he replied you're going to cut off your foot man nobody because like old married couples bicker they've had decades to perfect their craft on a construction site one afternoon different trades were working in the same area like silly team sports the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and any time they are together it turns into a pointless dog measuring contest usually not literally one particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth my dong biggest blah blah blah finally one of them spits out this classic i've got girth like a can of corn and the clap back was unforgettable but you've got length like a can of tuna everyone busted up mr girth tried to hide his embarrassment but was tied up no comeback and a room of men laughing uncontrollably good times i must know the other names for the rest of the trades saw a clip of a stand-up comedian the other day and he says something along the lines of the first time i had sex it was terrible the first time i had sex and a woman chimes in with you mean yesterday crowd laughs for a while and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head once it gets down to basically a few chuckles he just says glad you remember and the crowd just lost their crap it was amazing okay now we need the source of this clip a friend of mine was getting bitched at by these two identical twin girls in a class i had once he replied with a troubling look on his face and said if you two are identical how come only one of you are hot the dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session fixed i have something similar have a group text made up of five people it's called three of my favorite people glenn mcgrousey cricketer got frustrated with edo brandes as his every attempt to stump brandes failed this is what happened next mcgraw why are you so fat brandis because every time i freak your wife she gives me a biscuit on an indian roast show there were two bald twin brothers and the roaster told them you two confused me on a biological level you two look like testicles but you are both buttholes i am still waiting for an opportunity to use that not heard but read easily the spartans replied to philip ii of mason as philip ii of mason was conquering greek city-states left and right sparta was left alone philip had achieved a crushing victory and sparta was relatively weak and without walls philip sent a message to the spartans saying if i invade laconia you will be destroyed never to rise again the spartans replied with one word if this is actually where the word laconic came from one of my co-workers was cold calling customers trying to get appointments to drum up business one of them told him to go frick his hand and he responded with i've got that penciled in for three i should be done by four if you'd like to come in for an appointment then the guy laughed his butt off and ended up coming in for the appointment mayo at this wild butt telling random people to go frick their own hand i was bullshitting with a couple of buddies and may have suggested that i banged one of their moms to which said friend replied my mom's dead my mouth bypassed my brain and replied that explains the dirt jesus dude she was already dead bravo this happened about five years ago now there was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school being loud ignoring the teacher he was mixed race only bringing this up because it's related he's talking rather loudly with a guy next to him teacher tells him shut the heck up kid makes a point that he's half black and being mean to him is racist some stupid crap like that teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says i was talking to your white half stupid hands down my favorite teacher my grandma asked my cousin who'd had lots of partners and two kids at this point if she was ever going to get married cousin it's not the same nowadays we don't buy cars without test driving them first grandma yeah but they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either point goes to granny i have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in eighth grade for context i didn't make the basketball team seventh grade but i made the team in eighth grade this kid that was on the team the previous year but didn't make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad i am and blah blah blah i told him that if he is better than me then why didn't he make the team and he replied with it's just cause of my grades bro so i replied with oh so you're just freaking stupid then he gave up cause it was either except that he was bad or accept he was an idiot so checkmate i was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with really bad acne my older brother had these three friends all brothers two three and four years older than me and my friend they were all gangsta and started their own gang which i always thought was really funny me and my friend walked in the front door my brother and his friends were all sitting at the tv playing halo one of the brothers looked at my friend and said holy crap sam i got two words for you a c n e pad sam replied cool and i got two words for you johnny speech therapy the guy had a pretty bad stutter he jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend as long as i could remember after that he wanted to fight sam but we just ignored them i don't know why this stuck with me for so long it was such perfect delivery and shut down of a bully that's a genius lumpfeo come on stop telling me how to live my life i don't tell you how to live your life it's not like i come down to the docks at night knocking the sailor's dongs out of your mouth jimmy carr puts down hecklers like a gentleman boss i can't remember the best one i've heard but i can remember the best comeback i ever did it is also in fact the only good comeback i ever did i was in seventh grade and we were in the locker room after gym people were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet i don't know if i have small feet but mine were the smallest they said small feet you know what that means i didn't mind too much but one kid crossed the line he said don't worry fella there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger so i said have you tried all 10 not very impressive but it shut him up you peaked so early in class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with i'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on i work at a hotel a few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of this our security officer replied immediately no i'm not i took care of that this morning but thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity at this time i was about to bust up laughing so i had to excuse myself to the back office and as i was leaving i heard him continuing on with this lady deadpan but i promise i eat a healthy diet full of fiber it warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements so the next time i'm constipated i know you're thinking of me it continued on and on and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder and i'm in the back laughing so hard i'm nearly crying after that spiel was over though she didn't give us any more problems the rest of the night i have also worked in a hotel sometimes you gotta just double down and out crazy the crazy you know those people who tell you to be yourself don't listen to them he's come up with more creative insults but this is the most memorable back in high school i was in the orchestra we went on several big national trips each year one year a group of upperclassmen were busted for pot in their hotel room everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips the one guy who wasn't in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb and they believed him so a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra says jason all your friends ratted you out they're mad i'm mad you played me like a fiddle that's what i play jason replied raising his violin i went to catholic school and the teacher said there's a special place in heck for people like you and i said back see you there one back in the day being openly gay could be downright dangerous but george didn't really gaff someone called him a queen and he responded i'll have you know my mother is still alive which makes me a princess too once worked w a karen who was actually named karen in addition to being a btch on wheels she was also next level morbidly obese one day i was on the phone with one of our clients who in the course of the conversation complained about her to me i took the complaints to our team led she said yeah i get a lot of complaints about her but she says the clients don't like her because she's heavy before i could stop myself i shot back with but joe if i were blind i'd still think she's a btch gandhi after a reporter asked him a question reporter what do you think of western civilization gandhi i think it would be a good idea in middle school a boy asked when i was going to grow some boobs so i asked him when he was donating his i'm still really proud of that one damn this is good the greatest comeback i witnessed was when kumail nanjini was on mean tweets and someone asked is your dong multiple colors and he said yes every shade of your mom's lipstick throwing shade if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 24,712

Rating: 4.9570918 out of 5

Keywords: greatest comebacks, greatest comeback ever, insult, insult comebacks, best insult comebacks, insult comeback quotes, comeback, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap

Id: gw3JrKlFEcs

Length: 18min 40sec (1120 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 08 2021