George Carlin - Religion (different shows)

[Applause] but in the [ __ ] department in the [ __ ] department a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman because i got to tell you the truth folks i gotta tell you the truth when it comes to [ __ ] big time major league [ __ ] you have to stand in awe in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims religion no contest no contest religion religion easily has the greatest [ __ ] story ever told think about it religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do and if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time but he loves you he loves you he loves you and he needs money he always needs money he's all-powerful all perfect all-knowing and all-wise somehow just can't handle money religion takes in billions of dollars they pay no taxes and they always need a little more now you talk about a good [ __ ] story holy [ __ ] thank you but thank you thank you thank you very much but i want you to know i want you to know something this is sincere i want you to know when it comes to believing in god i really tried i really really tried i tried to believe that there is a god who created each of us in his own image and likeness loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things i really tried to believe that but i gotta tell you the longer you live the more you look around the more you realize something is [ __ ] up something is wrong here war disease death destruction hunger filth poverty torture crime corruption and the ice capades something is definitely wrong this is not good work if this is the best god can do i am not impressed results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being this is the kind of [ __ ] you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude and just between you and me and between you and me in any decently run universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago and by the way i say this guy because i firmly believe looking at these results that if there is a god it has to be a man no woman could or would ever [ __ ] things up like this so so if if if there is a god if there is i think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent and maybe just maybe doesn't give a [ __ ] doesn't give a [ __ ] which i admire in a person and which would explain a lot of these bad results so rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a [ __ ] i decided to look around for something else to worship something i could really count on and immediately i thought of the sun happened like that overnight i became a sun worshiper well not overnight you can't see the sun at night but first thing the next morning i became a sun worshiper several reasons first of all i can see the sun okay yeah unlike some other gods i could mention i can actually see the sun i'm big on that if i can see something i don't know kind of helps the credibility along you know so every day i can see the sun as it gives me everything i need heat light food flowers in the park reflections on the lake an occasional skin cancer but hey at least there are no crucifixions and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us sun worship is fairly simple there's no mystery no miracles no pageantry no one asks for money there are no songs to learn and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing and the best thing the best thing about the sun it never tells me i'm unworthy doesn't tell me i'm a bad person who needs to be saved hadn't said an unkind word treats me fine so i worship the son but i don't pray to the son know why i wouldn't presume on our friendship it's not polite i've often thought people treat god rather rudely don't you asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and pleading and begging for favors do this give me that i need a new car i want a better job and most of this praying takes place on sunday his day off it's not nice and it's no way to treat a friend but people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things you know your sister needs an operation on her crotch your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall but most of all you'd really like to [ __ ] that hot little redhead down at the convenience store you know the one with the eye patch and the club foot can you pray for that i think you'd have to and i say fine pray for anything you want pray for anything but what about the divine plan remember that the divine plan long time ago god made a divine plan gave it a lot of thought decided it was a good plan put it into practice and for billions and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine now you come along and pray for something well suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan what do you want him to do change his plan just for you let me seem a little arrogant it's a divine plan what's the use of being god if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and [ __ ] up your plan and here's something else another problem you might have suppose your prayers aren't answered what do you say well it's god's will thy will be done fine but if it's god's will and he's going to do what he wants to anyway why the [ __ ] bother praying in the first place seems like a big waste of time to me couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to his will it's all very confusing so to get around a lot of this i decided to worship the son but as i said i don't pray to the son you know who i pray to joe pesci joe joe pesci two reasons first of all i think he's a good actor okay to me that counts second he looks like a guy who can get things done joe pesci doesn't [ __ ] around doesn't [ __ ] around in fact in fact joe pesci came through on a couple of things that god was having trouble with for years i asked god to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog joe pesci straighten that [ __ ] out with one visit it's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat so i've been praying to joe for about a year now and i noticed something i noticed that all the prayers i used to offer to god and all the prayers i now offer to joe pesci are being answered at about the same 50 rate half the time i get what i want half the time i don't same as god 50 50. same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe the wishing well and the rabbit's foot same as the mojo man same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles it's all the same 50 50. so just pick your superstition sit back make a wish and enjoy yourself and for those of you who look to the bible for moral lessons and literary qualities i might suggest a couple of other stories for you you might want to look at the three little pigs that's a good one has a nice happy ending i'm sure you'll like that then there's little red riding hood although it does have that x-rated part where the big bad wolf actually eats the grandmother which i didn't care for by the way and finally i've often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from humpty dumpty the potter liked the best all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again that's because there is no humpty dumpty and there is no god none not one no god never was in fact i'm gonna i'm gonna put it this way if there is a god if there is a god may he strike this audience dead see nothing happened nothing happened everybody's okay all right tell you what tell you what i'll raise the stakes i'll raise the stakes a little bit if there is a god may he strike me dead see nothing happened wait got a little cramp in my leg and my balls hurt plus i'm blind i'm blind oh now i'm okay again must have been joe pesci god bless joe pesci thank you all very much joe bless you thank you very much i appreciate it the fcc an appointed body not elected answerable only to the president decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of american life not protected by the first amendment to the constitution why did they decide that because they got a letter from a minister in mississippi a reverend donald wildman in mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn't like well reverend did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio of course i'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it but hey reverend there are two knobs on the radio one of them turns the radio off and the other one changes the station imagine that reverend you can actually change the station it's called freedom of choice and it's one of the principles this country was founded upon look it up in the library reverend if you have any of them left when you finish burning all the books and i don't know how you feel about it but i am getting pretty sick and tired of these [ __ ] church people i have just about had it with these [ __ ] church people all of them you know what i say we ought to do with these churches tax them tax these [ __ ] if they're so interested in politics and government policy and public policy let them pay their admission price like everybody else tax them hey the catholic church alone could wipe out the federal budget deficit if all you did was tax them on their real estate holdings here's another slogan here's another slogan you run into all the time god bless america once again respectfully i say to myself what the [ __ ] does that mean god bless america is that a request is that a demand is that a suggestion politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it was some sort of verbal tick that they can't get rid of god bless you and god bless america god bless you and god bless you america i guess they figure if they leave it out someone's going to think they're bad americans let me tell you a little secret about god folks god does not give a flying [ __ ] about america okay he doesn't care he never cared about this country he never has he never will he doesn't care about this country any more than he cares about mongolia transylvania pittsburgh the suez canal of the north pole he simply doesn't care okay he doesn't care listen hey there are 200 countries in the world now do these people honestly think that god is sitting around picking out his favorites why would he do that why would god have a favorite country and why would it be america out of all the countries because we have the most money because he likes our national anthem maybe it's because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic rice-a-roni it's delusional thinking it's delusional thinking and americans are not alone with these sort of delusions military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced god was on their side america prays for god to destroy our enemies our enemies pray for god to destroy us somebody's going to be disappointed somebody's wasting their [ __ ] time could it be everyone now if people want to say god bless america that's their business i don't care but here's what i don't understand if they say god bless america presumably they believe in god and if they do they must have heard god loved everyone that's what he said he loved everyone and loved him equally so why would these people ask god to do something that went against his own teachings you know what these god bless america people ought to do they ought to check what that jesus fellow they're so crazy about they're always talking about what would jesus do what would jesus do they don't want to know so they can do it they just want to know so they can tell other people to do it well i'll tell you what jesus would have done i'll tell you what jesus would have done he would have got up on the top of the empire state bill and said god bless everyone around the world forever and ever till the end of time that's what jesus would have done and that's what these people should do or else they should admit that god bless america is really just some sort of an empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck good luck america you're on your own which is a little bit closer to the truth i started to question all this stupid hat [ __ ] when i was a kid when i was a kid i was a catholic uh at least until i reached the age of reason okay so i was a catholic i was a catholic for about two two and a half years something like that and during that time one of the things they told us was that if a boy or a man went into a church he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of god but they had already told me that god was everywhere so i used to wonder well if god is everywhere why would you even own a hat why not show your respect don't even buy a [ __ ] hat and just to confuse things further they told the women exactly the opposite catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church same as in certain temples jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples in those same temples jewish women not allowed to cover their heads so try to figure this [ __ ] out catholic men and jewish women no hats catholic women and jewish men hats somebody's got the whole thing totally [ __ ] backwards don't you think and you know and what is this religious fascination with head gear every religion's got a different [ __ ] hat do you ever notice that the hindus have a turban the sikhs have a tall white turban jews have a yarmulker the muslims have the kefir the bishop has a point he had on one day and a round head on another day cardinal as a red hat pope i said why everybody's got a [ __ ] hat one group takes them off the other group puts them on personally i would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat or you can't wear a hat i think i think all religions should have one rule and one rule only hats optional that's all you need to run a really good religion here's another one of these civic customs swearing on the bible you understand that [ __ ] they tell you to raise your right hand place your left hand on the bible does this stuff really matter which hand does god really give a [ __ ] about details like this suppose you put your right hand in the bible you raise your left hand would that count or would god say sorry wrong hand try again and what why does one hand have to be raised what is the magic in this gesture this seems like some sort of a primitive voodoo mojo stick why not put your left hand on the bible let your right hand hang down by your side it's more natural or put it in your pocket remember what your mother used to say don't put your hands in your pockets does she know something we don't know is this hand [ __ ] really important well let's get back to the bible america's favorite national theatrical prop suppose the bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both and you swear to tell the truth on an upside down backward bible would that count suppose the bible they hand you is an old bible and half the pages are missing suppose all they have is a chinese bible in an american court or a braille bible and you're not blind suppose they hand you an upside down backward chinese braille bible with half the pages messy at what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid [ __ ] that somebody made up they [ __ ] made it up folks it's make-believe it's make-believe now all right okay let's leave the bible aside we'll get back to the science fiction reading later the more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to god in the first place why does swearing to god mean you're going to tell the truth wouldn't affect me if they said to me you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth to help you god i'd say yeah i'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that [ __ ] bible how do you like that swearing on the bible doesn't mean anything it's it's kid swearing to god is kid stuff did you know you have remember when you were a kid if you if you told another kid something he didn't quite believe he said you swear to god i would always say yeah i swear to god even if i was lying why not what's going to happen if i lie nothing nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught and that's a whole different story rights are an idea they're just imaginary they're a cute idea cute but that's all cute and fictional but if you think you do have rights let me ask you this where do they come from people say well they come from god they're god-given rights oh [ __ ] here we go again here we go again the god excuse the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument that came from god anything we can't describe must have come from god personally folks i believe that if your rights came from god he would have given you the right to some food every day and he would have given you the right to a roof over your head god would have been looking out for you god would have been looking out for you you know that he wouldn't have been worried about making sure you have a gun so you'd get drunk on sunday night and kill your girlfriend's parents but let's say it's true let's say god gave us these rights why would he give us a certain number of rights the bill of rights of this country has 10 stipulations okay 10 rights and apparently god was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the bill of rights an additional 17 times so god forgot a couple of things like slavery [ __ ] slipped his mind but let's say let's say god gave us the original 10. he gave the british 13. the british bill of rights has 13 stipulations the germans have 29. the belgians have 25 the swedish have only six and some people in the world have no rights at all what kind of a [ __ ] god damn god-given deal is that no rights at all why would god give different people in different countries different numbers of different rights boredom amusement bad arithmetic do we find out at long last after all this time that god is weak in math skills doesn't sound like divine planning to me sounds more like human planning sounds more like one group trying to control another group in other words business as usual in america folks here's something else i got a problem with the ten commandments here's my problem why are there ten you don't need ten i think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten it's a padded list here's what they did about five thousand years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people how to keep them in line they knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told so they announced that god had given them some commandments upon a mountain when no one was around god had given them the ten commandments but let me ask you this when they were sitting around making this [ __ ] up why did they pick 10 why 10 why not 9 or 11. i'll tell you why because 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew if it was 11 people wouldn't take it seriously say what are you kidding me the 11 commandments get the [ __ ] out of here but 10 10 sounds important 10 is the basis for the decimal system it's a decade it's a psychologically satisfying number the top 10 the 10 most wanted the 10 best dressed so having 10 commandments was really a marketing decision and to me it's clearly a [ __ ] list it's a political document artificially inflated to sell better i'm going to show you how you could reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical we're going to start with the first three and i'll use the roman catholic version because those are the ones i was taught as a little boy i am the lord thy god thou shalt not have strange gods before me thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god in vain thou shalt keep holy the sabbath right off the bat the first three pure [ __ ] sabbath sabbath day lord's name strange gods spooky language spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people in no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you throw out the first three commandments you're down to seven next honor thy father and mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the parents performance parents performance right some some parents deserve respect most of them don't period you're down to six now in the interest of logic something religion is very uncomfortable with we're going to jump around the list a little bit thou shalt not steal thou shalt not bear false witness stealing and lying well actually these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior dishonesty stealing and lying so you don't need two of them instead you combine them and you call it thou shalt not be dishonest and suddenly you're down to five and as long as we're combining i have two others that belong together thou shalt not commit adultery thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same kind of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is coveting takes place in the mind and i don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife otherwise what's a guy going to think about when he's waxing his carrot but what marital fidelity is a good idea so we're going to keep the idea and call this one thou shalt not be unfaithful and suddenly we're down to four but when you think about it honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so in truth you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language positive language instead of negative and call the whole thing thou shalt always be honest and faithful and we're down to three thou shalt thou shalt they're going away they're going away fast thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods this one is just plain [ __ ] stupid coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going all right your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays oh come all ye faithful you want to get one too coveting creates jobs leave it alone you throw out coveting you're down to two now the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet thou shalt not kill murder the fifth commandment but when you think about it when you think about it religion has never really had a big problem with murder not really more people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason all you have to do all you have to do is look at northern ireland the middle east cashmere the inquisition the crusades and the world trade center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill the more devout they are the more they see murder as being negotiable it's negotiable you know it depends it depends it depends on who's doing the kill and then who's getting killed so with all of this in mind i leave you with my revised list of the two commandments thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to two is all you need moses could have carried him down the hill in his [ __ ] pocket and if they had a list like that i wouldn't mind those folks in alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall as long as they included one additional commandment thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself catholics which i was until i reached the age of reasons catholics and other christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals well who has less abortions than homosexuals leave these [ __ ] people alone for christ's sakes there is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the catholics and christians are just tossing them aside you'd think they'd make natural allies go look for consistency in religion and speaking of my friends and catholics when john cardinal o'connor of new york and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on a minimum wage then i'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion i'm sure it'll be interesting enlightening true but but in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys when jesus said suffer the little children come unto me that's not what he was talking about [Applause] so you know what i tell these anti-abortion people i say hey if you think a fetus is more important than a woman try getting a fetus to wash the [ __ ] stains out of your underwear for no pay and no pension i tell them think of an abortion as term limits that's all it is biological term limits but you know the longer you listen to this abortion debate the more you hear this phrase sanctity of life you've heard that sanctity of life you believe in it personally i think it's a bunch of [ __ ] well i mean life is sacred who said so god hey if you read history you realize that god is one of the leading causes of death has been for thousands of years hindus muslims jews christians all taking turns killing each other because god told them it was a good idea the sword of god the blood of the lamb vengeance is mine millions of dead [ __ ] millions of dead [ __ ] all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question you believe in god no dead you believe in god yes you believe in my god no my god has a bigger dick than your god thousands of years thousands of years and all the best wars too the bloodiest most brutal wars fought all based on religious hatred which is fine with me hey anytime a bunch of holy people want to kill each other i'm a happy guy but don't be giving me all this [ __ ] about the sanctity of life i mean even if there were such a thing i don't think it's something you can blame on god now you know where the sanctity of life came from we made it up you know why because we're alive same with religion religion is nothing but mind control religion is just trying to control your mind control your thoughts so they're going to tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're sins and besides telling you things you shouldn't say religion is going to suggest to you some things you ought to be saying here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night here's something we always say on the third wednesday and april after the first full moon in spring at four o'clock when the bells ring religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying

Channel: Sven Vandermaas

Views: 3,137

Rating: 4.878788 out of 5

Keywords: George Carlin, George carlin, religion, standup, stand-up, comedy, hbo, funny, laughter, faith

Id: IcYBPUZZH4U

Length: 32min 41sec (1961 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 04 2021