George Carlin - Airplane Safety

unless wind in here they might tell you you're on a nun stop flying well I don't think I care for that no I insist that my flight stop preferably at an airport it's those sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day here's one they just made up near miss but two planes almost collide they call it a near-miss it's an ear head a collision is a near miss look they nearly missed yes but not quite they might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment broken plane tell me to put my seat back forward well I don't bend that way let me put my seat back forward I'd be in porno movies then they mention carry-on luggage first time I heard carry-on I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board anymore then I thought carry on carry on there's going to be a party people are going to be carrying on the plane well I don't care for that I like a serious attitude on the plane especially on the flight deck which is the latest euphemism for cockpit can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like cockpit can you especially with all those stewardesses going in and out of it all the time there's a work that's changed stewardess person who's hostess then stewardess now it's flight attendant you know what I call them the lady on the plane sometimes it's a man on the plane now that's good equality I'm all in favor of that sometimes they actually refer to these people as uniformed crew members uniformed as opposed to that guys sitting next to you and the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the [ __ ] you had who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua I might add as soon as they close the door to the aircraft that's when they begin the safety lecture I love the safety lecture this is my favorite part of the airplane ride I listen very carefully to the safety lecture especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts imagine this here we are playing full of grown human beings many of us partially educated and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle place the small metal flap into the proper well I asked for clarification at that point yes thank you very much did I hear you correctly did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle or lace the buckle over and around the small metal flap and a Superman I did not possess an engineering degree nor my mechanically inclined sorry to have taken up so much of your time please continue with the wonderful safety lecture seatbelt high-tech [ __ ] the safety lecture continues the next thing they do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit I do this immediately and locate my nearest emergency exit and then I planned my route you have to plan your route it's not always a straight line is it sometimes there's a really big fat [ __ ] sitting right in front but you know you'll never get over him I look around for women and children midgets and Dwarfs cripples war widows paralyzed veterans people with broken legs anybody who looks like they can't move too well the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this you might have to go out of your way to find these people but you'll get out of the plane a lot got them quicker believe me I say let's see I'll go around the fat [ __ ] step on the widow's head push those children out of the way knock down the paralyzed [ __ ] and get out of the plane where I can help others I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big [ __ ] standing on my head I must get out of the plane go to a nearby farmhouse have a dr. pepper and call the police the safety lecture continues and the unlikely event this is a very suspect phrase especially coming is it Those from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times and the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you place the mask over your face and breathe normally well I have no problem with that I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive normally they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his I did not need to be told that I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all this will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance program is [ __ ] BC it can cut them jolly well learn or just an oxygen mask fairly simple thing just a little rubber band at the back is all it is not nearly as complicated as say for instance a seatbelt the safety lecture continues in the unlikely event of a water landing well what exactly is a water landing am I mistaken what does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device well imagine that my seat cushion just what I need to float around the North Atlantic to severed a clinging to a pillow full of beer farts thank you the flight continues but later on towards end we hear that captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign well who gives a [ __ ] who turned it on its on isn't it and who made this man a captain Mike I asked then I sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something captain he's a [ __ ] pilot let him be happy with that the Coast sightseeing announcements or any mark of his intellect he's lucky to be working at all tell the captain air marshal Carlin says go [ __ ] yourself the next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off before leaving the aircraft please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board well let's start with immediate seating area it's a goddamn seat check around your seat for any personal belongings but what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal public belongings honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park you might have brought on board well I might have brought my Arrowhead collection

Channel: samraborg

Views: 289,855

Rating: 4.8419175 out of 5

Keywords: George, Carlin, Airplane, Safety

Id: Atwsx9vlhSQ

Length: 9min 55sec (595 seconds)

Published: Sun May 30 2010