George Carlin "Cats and Dogs"

he don't know he don't care dog don't care like I say he'll do anything he might embarrass you he might do something inappropriate when you have company huh you might have some folks in visiting you some of them you don't know that well trying to impress a couple of them hey you might be trying to borrow money off one of these studs dogs lying out there in the living room you got all these people sitting around you got a little chip little dip dogs and full view of everyone got carrot sticks celery sticks to the lady fingers finger ladies all sorts of little things that you got and everybody's eating nicely and you look down and you realize that the dog is licking his balls says anything no one mentions it spectacular thing going on hey if I could reach I'd never leave the house he didn't mean it he didn't mean it he'll come he'll apologize to you he'll come around a few hours later and apologize he'd give you that doggy look give you them eyes you know they have such a great expression almost human sometimes we say that isn't it look he looks almost human Dan they do you know they look like they know something about your mother not willing to mention it right away he's looking at you like they got a trig problem they can't quite solve there's a there's a sad look in their eyes all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog never do this look right into your doggies eyes and think of something really sad and it looked like it's happening to your dog changes thing they look at you like that you know why they have so successful a look cuz they got eyebrows dogs have eyebrows or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows they got little things that they can manipulate just like we do oh please please daddy one more treat cats can't look at you like that cats don't look at that cats look at you coldly as if they're testing new eyes using cats look different cats don't have eyebrows cats have a bunch of [ __ ] sticking out of their head they thought it was going to be an eyebrow but it didn't work out let's not tell them they think it's an eyebrow it's just a bunch of [ __ ] sticking out of their heads cats are all different they do everything different than the dougie cats are cute that's a goddamn cute didn't he killed look at him God he's cute he's a kitty cat that's how cute the other needed two names kitty wasn't cute enough get a cat baby cute the kitty cat look at me cute let's drown him he will goddamn kitty cat hate love stick him on the wall see if he hangs up there love kitty cat they're so goddamn cute when they're teeny I hope it stays that size forever he's darling any wonderful cute little goddamn kitty cat that can jump any way they want when they're teeny they can jump straight up in the air without a run they just go they can even jump backwards to the side flew probably do that holy [ __ ] they can do anything jump and be cute as can be a cuter goddamn kitty cat isn't he killed god I love them they're so cute they're even cute when they kill doesn't he look he's playing with the mouse [ __ ] Mouse doesn't feel that way that cute all he's so precious just tearing the throat right out of that bird q this can't be they kill see they like to kill something that's what they want to do that's what I act so nice they want to go yeah it when they're teeny when they're just born you take a baby baby that is a human you take a baby dog and a baby cat and you attack all three of them which I try never to do if I can help it but you'll get three different results you attack a baby he cries you attack a puppy he cowers you attack a kitty cat he fights a one-day-old they're looking for some [ __ ] and you got their eyes open no guarantee nasty little cute thing shoot little nasty guy all that wonderful God love them they're so physical that's what's fun they're so physical they love your rub Anya they love to rub Anya if you've got a leg and a cat you got a potty oh boy oh boy I'm rubbing on his leg oh boy oh boy if you got two legs [ __ ] jubilee celebration time oh boy two legs hot [ __ ] I can do the figure eight they love to do the figure eight oh boy oh boy oh boy I love to rub on his leg they'll rub against your leg even if you're not there yet you might still be 50 feet down the hall they see you coming oh boy oh boy oh boy soon I'll be rubbing on his leg so he'll even walk sideways so they don't miss you hobo hobo I love it you're so physical you don't have to pet a cat you just put your hand over and he'll do all the work you pet him if a pedicab who's lying absolutely flat and before you're halfway finished his ass is way up in the air like you press the ask button ozone isn't he a cute little holy [ __ ] how did he do that then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face here's my ass dad check this ass huh I want to showing you their ass they give you some of this stuff let's say get him off of me Jesus I hate that I don't even know what it is and I don't look like they're into some bad drug one other holiday cats have which I admire cats don't accept blame they don't embarrass at all cat does something dumb you never know it but looking at him dog knocks over a lamp you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog not the cat cat doesn't accept any blame cat moves along to the next activity what's that not me [ __ ] that I'm a cat something break ask the dog that doesn't get embarrassed you've seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door I meant that I meant that I meant that that's exactly how I wanted that to look [ __ ] me out [ __ ] the [ __ ] mirror people say when they get behind the couch cats too proud to let you see him suffer but you look behind the couch and you'll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident because of the slings and walkers you know tried to make the window from the lamb little cutie cat got named kitty cat you realize Hitler only had one ball what do you think about a man with one ball you think he has two strikes against him maybe's got one ball and two strikes Hitler only had one ball a lot of people don't know that a lot of people don't know that they say Hitler geez he had a lot of balls what you

Channel: KelCoComputers

Views: 672,896

Rating: 4.8960924 out of 5

Keywords: George, Carlin, Cats, and, Dogs

Id: TnT8i_PwDJc

Length: 9min 2sec (542 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 25 2009