George Carlin: Back in Town [SUB ITA]

[Applause] uh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] thank you thank you thank you why why why why why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to [ __ ] in the first place boy these conservatives are really something aren't they they're all in favor of the unborn they will do anything for the unborn but once you're born you're on your own [Applause] pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months after that they don't want to know about you they don't want to hear from you no nothing no neonatal care no daycare no head start no school lunch no food stamps no welfare no nothing if you're pre-born you're fine if you're preschool you're [ __ ] [Applause] conservatives don't give a [ __ ] about you until you reach military age then they think you are just fine just what they've been looking for conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers pro-life pro-life these people aren't pro-life they're killing doctors what kind of pro-life is that what they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it they're not pro-life you know what they are they're anti-woman simple as it gets anti-woman they don't like them they don't like women they believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state pro-life you don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses do you no you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies do you no that might be something christ would do and you won't see you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire you know morally committed religious people in south vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration didn't they hey they knew how to put on a [ __ ] protest light yourself on fire come on you moral crusaders let's see a little smoke to match that fire in your belly here's another question i have how come when it's us it's an abortion and when it's a chicken it's an omelette [Applause] what are are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden when did this happen that we passed chickens and goodness name six ways we're better than chickens see nobody can do it you know why because chickens are decent people you don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs do you uh you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery do you when's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the [ __ ] out of his hands doesn't happen because chickens are decent people but let's get back to this abortion [ __ ] now is a fetus a human being this seems to be the central question well if a fetus is a human being how come the census doesn't count them if a fetus is a human being how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral if a fetus is a human being how come people say we have two children and one on the way instead of saying we have three children people say life begins at conception i say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process continuous just keeps rolling along rolling rolling rolling along i said you know something listen you can go back further than that what about the carbon atoms human life could not exist without carbon so is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments see the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg which is usually a few moments after the man says gee honey i was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me [Applause] fertilization but even after the egg is fertilized it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins and not every egg makes it that far eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has they wind up on sanitary napkins and yet they are fertilized eggs so basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than one period is a serial killer [Applause] consistency hey hey if they really want to get serious what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man and one of these pro-life guys who's watching comes in his pants huh here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little vinnies and debbies and nobody's saying a word to a guy not every ejaculation deserves a name now speaking of consistency catholics which i was until i reached the age of reasons catholics and other christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals well who has less abortions than homosexuals leave these [ __ ] people alone for christ's sakes here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the catholics and christians are just tossing them aside you'd think they'd make natural allies go look for consistency in religion and speaking of my friends the catholics when john cardinal o'connor of new york and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on a minimum wage then i'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion i'm sure it'll be interesting enlightening but in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar you boys when jesus said suffer the little children come unto me that's not what he was talking about [Applause] so you know what i tell these anti-abortion people i say hey hey if you think a fetus is more important than a woman try getting a fetus to wash the [ __ ] stains out of your underwear for no pay and no pension i tell them think of an abortion as term limits that's all it is biological term limits but you know the longer you listen to this abortion debate the more you hear this phrase sanctity of life you've heard that sanctity of life you believe in it personally i think it's a bunch of [ __ ] well i mean life is sacred who said so god hey if you read history you realize that god is one of the leading causes of death has been for thousands of years hindus muslims jews christians all taking turns killing each other because god told them it was a good idea the sword of god the blood of the lamb vengeance is mine millions of dead [ __ ] millions of dead [ __ ] all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question you believe in god no dead you believe in god yes you believe in my god no dead my god has a bigger dick than your god thousands of years thousands of years and all the best wars too the bloodiest most brutal wars fought all based on religious hatred which is fine with me hey anytime a bunch of holy people want to kill each other i'm a happy guy but don't be giving me all this [ __ ] about the sanctity of life i mean even if there were such a thing i don't think it's something you can blame on god now you know where the sanctity of your life came from we made it up you know why because we're alive self-interest living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred you don't see abbott and costello running around talking about this [ __ ] do you we're not hearing a whole lot from mussolini on the subject what's the latest from jfk not a goddamn thing because jfk mussolini and abbott and costello are [ __ ] dead they're [ __ ] dead and dead people give less than a [ __ ] about the sanctity of life only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view it's a self-serving man-made [ __ ] story it's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble life is sacred makes you feel noble but let me ask you this if everything that ever lived is dead and everything alive is going to die where does the sacred part come in i'm having trouble with that because i mean even with this stuff we preach about the sanctity of life we don't practice it we don't practice it look at what we kill mosquitoes and flies because they're pests lions and tigers cause it's fun chickens and pigs because we're hungry pheasants and quails because it's fun and we're hungry and people we kill people because they're past and it's fun and you might have noticed something else the sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells does it you rarely see a bumper sticker that says save the tumors or i break for advanced melanoma ah viruses mold mildew maggots fungus weeds e coli bacteria the crabs nothing sacred about those things so at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing we get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred and we get to kill the rest pretty neat deal huh you know how we got it we made the whole [ __ ] thing up made it up the same way thank you the same way we made up the death penalty we made them both up sanctity of life and the death penalty aren't we versatile and you know in this country now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers this is really stupid drug dealers aren't afraid to die they're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds drive-bys gang shootings they're not afraid to die death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die like the bankers who launder the drug money the bankers who launder the drug money forget the dealers you want to slow down that drug traffic you got to start executing a few of these [ __ ] bankers white middle-class republican bankers [Applause] and i'm not talking i'm not talking about soft american executions like lethal injection i'm talking about [ __ ] crucifixion folks let's bring back crucifixions a form of capital punishment the christians and jews of america can really appreciate and i'd go a little further i'd crucify people upside down like saint peter feet up head down and naked i'd have naked upside down crucifixions on tv once a week at halftime in the monday night football game the monday night crucifixions you'd have people tuning in don't even care about football wouldn't you like to hear dan deardorff explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle and i'll guarantee you one thing you start executing you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national tv you're gonna see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty [ __ ] quick pretty [ __ ] quick you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore [Applause] now i don't care about capital punishment one way or another because i know it doesn't do anything it doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy a kind of biblical need for revenge you know if you read the bible you see that it's full of retribution and revenge so really capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual it's a purification right so it's a modern sacrament and as long as that's true i say let's liven it up a little i honestly believe if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid [ __ ] budget [ __ ] budget and don't forget the polls show the american people want capital punishment and they want a balanced budget and i think even in a fake democracy people ought to get what they want once in a while just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being [ __ ] by the upper one percent now unfortunately unfortunately monday night football doesn't last long enough what we really need is year-round capital punishment on tv every night with sponsors gotta have sponsors i'm sure as long as we're killing people marlboro cigarettes and dow chemical will be proud to participate proud to participate balance the stupid [ __ ] budget and and let me say this to you my interesting judeo-christian friends not only not only do i recommend crucifixions i'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings beheadings on tv slow motion instant replay and maybe you can let the heads roll down a little hill and fall into one of five numbered holes let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into and you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too raise a little more money and if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials instead of using an axe you do the beheadings with a handsaw hey don't bail out on me now god damn it the blood is already on our hands all we're talking about is a matter of degree you want something a little more delicate we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork that would be nice and it would take a good god damn long time there's a lot of good things we could be doing when's the last time we burned someone at the stake it's been too long here's another form of capital punishment comes out of a nice rich religious tradition burning people at the stake sponsor bridgeford charcoal and you put it on tv on sunday mornings the sunday morning evangelicals send us an offering praise jesus human bonfire you don't think that would get big ratings in this sick [ __ ] country [ __ ] you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff and you take the money they send in in the offerings and you use it to balance the budget what about boiling people in oil boy those were the days weren't they you get the oil going real good you know a nice high rolling boil and then slowly at the end of a rope you lower the perpetrator head first into the boiling oil huh you talk about fun [ __ ] and just to encourage citizen participation you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the road good clean wholesome family entertainment the kids will love it the kids will love it and at the same time they're enjoying themselves we're teaching them a nice christian moral lesson boiling people in oil sponsor crisco and maybe maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you can french fry a couple of them you know french fried felons dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know kind of a tempura thing huh jeffrey dahmer never thought of this yet did he jeffrey dahmer eats your heart out which is an interesting thought in and of itself all right enough nostalgia what about some modern forms of capital punishment how about we throw a guy off the world trade center and whoever he lands on wins the publisher's clearing house [Applause] okay something a little more sophisticated you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust there's one guy's not gonna be [ __ ] with too many kids at the bus stop for a while huh here's something really nice you could do you shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult right into a brick wall trouble is it would be over too quick no good for tv you know you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row rapid fire capital punishment 15 catapults while you're shooting off one you're loading up the others of course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall cleanliness right next to godliness all right high tech i sense some of yours are waiting for high tech i got it you take a small tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's ass a thermonuclear suppository preparation h-bomb you talk about fallout huh or you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick yeah a bomb in the deck when it goes off the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going get out of here i got you hey listen hey i got a lot of good ideas balance the stupid [ __ ] budget here's another idea i'm gonna save you a whole lot of money on prisons but at the same time we are still going to remove from society many of our more annoying citizens four groups are going away permanently first group violent criminals here's what you do with these emmy award winners you take the entire state of kansas you move everybody out you give them a couple hundred dollars for their inconvenience you know gotta be fair then you move them out you put a big ten-story electric fence around kansas and kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals no parole no police no supplies the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition so they can communicate in a meaningful way then you put the whole thing on cable tv the violence network vnn and for a corporate sponsor you get one of those companies that loves to smear its logo feces all over the landscape budweiser will jump at this [ __ ] in half a minute [Applause] all right next group sex criminals completely incurable you gotta lock em up you could outlaw religion and most of these sex crimes would disappear in a couple of generations but we don't have time for rational solutions easier to fence off another rectangular state rectangular states are cheaper defense saves the taxpayers money you know this time wyoming but only for true sex offenders we're not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather boy scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball peen hammers while they take turns blowing their cat [Applause] there's certainly nothing wrong with that it's a victimless hobby and think of how good the cat must feel [Applause] no we're only going to lock up rapists and molesters those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can't help getting a little of it on you usually on your leg you take all these heavy breathing fun seekers and you stick them in wyoming then you let them suck [ __ ] fondle you let them blow chew sniff lick whip gobble and cornhole each other until their testicles are whistling oh come all ye faithful then then you turn on the cameras and you got the sperm channel and don't forget our corporate sponsor we're going to let budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist pants right here there's puds for you all right next group drug addicts and alcoholics not all of them don't get nervous just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person and we're not going to bother first offenders people deserve a chance to clean up everyone will get 12 chances to clean up okay all right 15 15. that's fine and that's it if you can't make it in 15 tries off you go to colorado colorado the perfect a perfect place for staying loaded each week all of the illegal drugs confiscated in the united states that the police and dea don't keep for their own personal use will be airdropped into colorado and we're going to turn the coors brewery over to the beer drinking [ __ ] and everyone can stay wasted wired stoned bombed hammered smashed and [ __ ] faced round the clock on another new cable channel [ __ ] face central this is the real rocky mountain high okay i've saved my favorite group for last the maniacs and crazy people [Applause] the ones who live out where the buses don't run [Applause] and i distinguish between maniacs and crazy people a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo a crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo but he'll be wearing a bug's bunny suit at the time so you can't put them all away you know you got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment like a guy who tells you the king of sweden is using his penis as a radio transmitter to send anti-semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to soupy sales and marvin hamlisch a guy like that you want to give him his own radio show no the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases like a guy who gets a big tattoo on his chest of liza minnelli taking a [ __ ] you know and he tells you if he wiggles a certain way it looks like she's wiping her ass you know [Applause] a guy like that you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible now for the maniac farm i think there's no question we got to go with utah utah easy defense easy defense right next to wyoming in colorado and colorado is right next to kansas and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place except for the big fences and i think i have another one of my really good ideas for cable tv gates small sliding gates in defenses think of what you've got here think of what you've got predators degenerates crack heads and fruitcakes 900 miles of fence separating them every 50 miles you put a small sliding gate but the gates are only 10 inches wide and they're only open once a month for seven seconds and you know something [ __ ] cable this [ __ ] has got to be on pay-per-view [Applause] because if those gates are only open seven seconds a month you are going to have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first online deeply disturbed armed cranky lunatics on drugs you know the ones a lot of tattoos a lot of teeth broken off at the gum line the true face of america and every time you open the gates a few of the more aggressive ones are going to get through the creme de la creme the alphas they're going to get through they're going to find each other and they're going to cross breed and pretty soon you have a melting pot child killers corpse [ __ ] drug zombies and full-blown wackaloons wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun just like now everyone will have guns everyone will have drugs and no one will be in charge just like now but at least we'll have a balanced budget thank you very much i appreciate it thank you thank you hey hey hey time for a few fart jokes where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes question do you ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane or in some public place but you hadn't been farting all that day so you didn't really know the nature of the beast [Applause] you only knew there was lots of it in a situation like that what you have to do is to release a test part [Applause] you have to arrange to release quietly and in a carefully controlled manner about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it or or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency [Applause] when releasing a test fart it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge such as reaching for a magazine say is that golf digest [Applause] that doesn't smell too horrifying in fact in an odd way it's rather pleasant i think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby and it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a foot locker a fart that could end a marriage and everyone around you heads for the exits even the people on the airplane as you realize it is time to review your fiber intake it might not be necessary after all each morning to eat an entire wicker swing set i have no ending for this so i take a small bow thank you i appreciate that thank you okay now this next thing this next thing is about the english language it's about little expressions we use we we all say in the little sayings and expressions that we use all the time most of us and we never really seem to examine these expressions very carefully at all we just sort of say these things as if they really made sense like legally drunk well if it's legal what's the [ __ ] problem hey leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk [Applause] you know you can stick it why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it suppose you don't know suppose you're a new guy you have absolutely no idea where to stick it i think there ought to be a government booklet entitled where to stick it now that i think of it i believe there is a government booklet like that they send it to you on april 15. undisputed heavyweight champion well if it's undisputed what's all the fighting about it's the quiet ones you gotta watch you know that one every time you see a story about a serial killer on tv what do they do they bring on the neighbor and the neighbor says well he was always very quiet and someone in the room says it's the quiet ones you gotta watch this sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption i will bet you anything while you're watching a quiet one a noisy one will [ __ ] kill you suppose you're in a bar and one guy's sitting over on the side reading a book not bothering anybody another guy standing at the front with a machete banging it on the bar saying i'll kill the next [ __ ] comes in here who are you going to watch you goddamn right lock them up and throw away the key this is really stupid where you gonna throw the key right out in front of the jail his friends will find it how far can you talk 50 60 feet the most even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it what do you get an extra 10 feet tops this is a stupid idea needs to be completely rethought down the tubes hear that one a lot people say ah the country is going down the tubes what poops have you seen any tubes where are these tubes and where do they go and how come there's more than one tube it would seem to me one country one two but does every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now one tube is all you need but a tube that big somebody would have seen it by now somebody would have said hey joey joey look at the [ __ ] dude big ass [ __ ] poop over here you never hear that you know why no tubes we don't have tube one we are essentially tubeless takes the cake you know say boy he really takes the cake where where do you take a cake to the movies you know or i would take a cake down to the bakery to see the other cakes and how come he takes the cake how come he don't take the pie pie is easier to carry in the cake easy as pie hey cake is not too hard to carry either basic cake the greatest thing since sliced bread so this is it huh folks a couple of hundred thousand years the [ __ ] pyramids for christ's sakes panama canal the great wall of china even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread what's so great about sliced bread you got a knife you got a loaf of bread slice the [ __ ] thing [Applause] and get on with your life out walking the streets you know guy gets a parole they say now instead of being in prison this guy is out walking the streets how do we know maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter not everybody gets a parole is out walking the [ __ ] streets a lot of times they steal a car you know and we ought to be glad thank god he stole a car at least he's not out walking the streets [Applause] fine and dandy that's an old-fashioned one isn't he here say to a guy how are you says fine and dandy not me i never say that you know how come because i'm never both of those things at the same time sometimes i'm fine not dandy close to dandy approaching dandy in the vicinity of dandy hood not quite fully dandy other times i am indeed highly dandy however not fine one time one time 1965 august for about an hour i was both fine and dandy at the same time but nobody asked me how i was and i could have told him i could have told him i could have said to the person fine and dandy i consider it a lost opportunity walking papers you know guy gets fired he said geez poor guy well they give him his walking papers today did you ever get any walking papers seriously believe me in my life i got fired a lot of times you can tell never got any walking papers never got a pink slip either you know what i would get a guy would come around to my desk and say get the [ __ ] out of here you don't need paper for that it's like the riot act the riot act they keep telling you they're going to read that to you have you heard this thing at all especially when you're a kid they threaten you the way your father comes home he's going to read you the riot act tell them i already read it myself and i didn't like it either i consider it wordy and poorly thought out he wants to read me something how about the gentleman's guide to the golden age of [ __ ] [Applause] more than happy i bet you say that sometimes don't you once in a while you say to somebody oh i'd be more than happy to do that how can you be more than happy to me this sounds like a dangerous mental condition we had to put dave in the mental home he was more than happy one more of these in your own words people say that to you you know when you hear that a lot in a classroom or in a courtroom they'll say to you tell us in your own words do you have your own words hey i'm using the ones everybody else has been using next time they tell you to say something in your own words say nick flat blarney cuando flew yes thank you now this next piece of material is real simple it's called free-floating hostility 24 minor cultural items i'm bored with tired of and pissed at so i hope you're ready for a little random anger people people people who make quote marks in the air with their fingers you tired of these people yet he said he was sober hey lady eat me [Applause] next guy says to me about a boom bada bing is getting kicked right in the [ __ ] nuts [ __ ] you want to try badabing bad hair day where did this [ __ ] come from what a superficial culture put on a hat and go to work you shallow [ __ ] it's a good thing lewis and clark never had a bad hair day or daniel boone huh custer he had a really bad hair day but he had it coming that blonde blue-eyed criminal [ __ ] what about these guys who tell you i heard that i heard that oh you did did you well isn't this exciting what is this a [ __ ] hearing test did i wander into a beltone commercial here of course you heard it's your [ __ ] nimrod i'm standing right next to you i'm gonna move down here i'm gonna move a little farther away blow me by any chance did you hear that [Applause] now what about these people who tell you their needs aren't being met you run into this stuff this is support group [ __ ] 12 steppers my needs aren't being met you know what i tell them drop some of your needs life is a zero-sum game what else is troubling me mickey mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event i don't give a [ __ ] if i cared about mickey mouse's birthday i'd have memorized it years ago and i'd send him a card dear mickey happy birthday love george i don't do that why don't give a [ __ ] [ __ ] mickey mouse [ __ ] him in the [ __ ] with a big rubber dick then break it off and beat him with the rest of him i hope mickey dies i do i hope he god damn dies i hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese [Applause] and dies lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood with his hand in goofy's pants mickey mouse no wonder no one in the world takes our country seriously we waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent now let me ask you this the two pandas in the zoo do you care if they [ __ ] i don't why don't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't [ __ ] again this year i'm not concerned i have no emotional stake in panda [ __ ] all right if they want to they will if not they'll watch the price is right probably the only reason they're not doing it on time is because some jack off from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them could you get a heart out of some guy in a green t-shirt where the stopwatch was taking your girlfriend's rectal temperature leave these creatures alone and okay let me get a sip of water here hold on all right and as long as we're talking about the news i don't want to hear anything more about sperm egg donor surrogate in vitro test tube biological adoptive foster parents who want their baby back baby jane baby ruth baby this baby that baby it's cold outside i don't give a [ __ ] leave me alone and keep it off my tv sick american [ __ ] i'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims this is an outmoded idea there are no innocent victims if you live on this planet you're guilty period [ __ ] you end of report next case next [ __ ] case next case your birth certificate is proof of guilt and what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around with their own personal bottle of water when do we get so thirsty in america is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids with them at all times get a drink before you leave the house another crime against society hyphenated names hey lady pick a [ __ ] name would you please pick a [ __ ] name hi i'm emily jarakor fortescue hi i'm george jerk meow [ __ ] you too you don't acquire personal dignity by adding a name to your name feminists think it's a radical act it's not castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act hyphenating your name is pretentious [ __ ] and what is going on with all these telephone calling plans mci a t is this [ __ ] really necessary when did the phone bill become life's most critical document in a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss cheese in a spray can and edible women's panties are people really breaking their balls to save nine cents on a [ __ ] phone call talking to your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world but it should not be seen as a critical spending decision something else i don't understand motivation tapes motivation books what happened here suddenly everybody needs to be motivated it's a fairly simple thing either you want to do something or you don't what's the big mystery besides if you're motivated enough to go to the store to buy a motivation book aren't you motivated enough to do that so you don't need the book put it back tell the clerk [ __ ] you i'm motivated i'm going home and can anyone explain to me the need for one hour photo finishing you just saw the [ __ ] thing how how can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago another complaint too many vehicles there are some families in this country own entirely too many vehicles you see them on the highway in an rv but that's not enough for them rv is not enough behind them they're towing a motorboat go-kart dune buggy dirt bike jet ski snowmobile parasail hang glider windsurfing equipment a hot air balloon and a small two-man deep-sea diving bell doesn't anyone just take a [ __ ] walk anymore the only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module too many choices america it's not healthy another abomination white guys over 10 years of age who wear their baseball hats backwards white guys let me tell you something you're never going to be as cool as black guys it's not going to happen you're white and you're lame it's a [ __ ] law of nature turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you cool and you black guys since you started the whole thing i'm going to let you stay with the hats a little bit longer but i think really once you qualify for social security it's time to spin that [ __ ] around to the front again all right another tip another tip for the men the earrings the thing with the earrings it's over it's been over for a long time doesn't mean anything anymore it was supposed to piss off the squares the squares are wearing them now doesn't mean any it's just [ __ ] jewelry unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it it's just jewelry and i want you to know i'm in favor of self-mutilation and personal disfigurement i've always said there's nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem when i see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron i say there's a happy guy thinks highly of himself and haven't we gone a little overboard with these colored ribbons for different causes every cause has its own color driven now red for age blue for child abuse pink for breast cancer green for the rain forest purple for urban violence i got a brown one you know what it means eat [ __ ] [ __ ] hey [ __ ] [ __ ] and what can we do to silence these christian athletes who thank jesus whenever they win never mention his name when they lose not a word you never hear him say jesus made me drop the ball the good lord tripped me up behind the land of scrimmage according to these guys jesus is undefeated meanwhile these [ __ ] are in the last place must be another one of those miracles and speaking of delusional people what about a guy who hears a voice in his head tells him to kill his entire family so he does it is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do is to kill others doesn't a voice ever tell a guy go take a [ __ ] on the salad bar at wendy's doesn't the voice doesn't always tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while well some guys do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round but usually it's their own idea something else i can do without aftershave and cologne and this disgusting [ __ ] that men put on their bodies just what i need in the elevator some guy standing next to me smells like a [ __ ] pine tree i said go home and wash your smelly prick you smell like the urinal in a portuguese cat house guys are stupid guys are really [ __ ] dumb they think they're going to get laid with this stuff you know oh yeah they put it on at home oh boy oh boy i'll get laid then i don't get late tonight you don't get laid with green [ __ ] that comes out of a bottle okay and the only smell that's going to help you get laid might be your own natural scent you have pheromones it's a secondary sex characteristic people in america oh nervous about sex i'm gonna cover that up and disguise it guys in europe they know how to live guy gets in the elevator over there he smells like a pile of dog [ __ ] those people are sophisticated getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy boots you ever see these jackoffs can't we kill some of these [ __ ] walking around the [ __ ] cowboy hat grown man it's not even halloween for christ's sakes i say hey text grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the century you're living in why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures you don't see anyone walking around in a pirate costume do you when's the last guy you ran into had on a viking outfit make-believe cowboys closest they ever got to a cows when they stopped to take a piss and an arby's and camcorders here is technology gone berserk everywhere you go now there's some dick some yo-yo some putts with a camcorder and he is going to tape everything doesn't anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore sort of take them in maybe even remember them is that just a strange notion does that does experience have to be documented and brought home and saved on the show and do people really watch this [ __ ] are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already did these guys are so intense you know it's always guys they won't let women touch the cameras it's a highly technical skill look through a whole push on a button big skill and they're they all think they're federico fellini low angles zooms and pans and it's the same ugly three children in every goddamn shot all the george lucas magic in hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configuration on the faces of these children keep these unfortunate youngsters out of public view [Applause] now a lot of these hold on a second a lot of these cultural crimes i've been complaining about can be blamed on the baby boomers something else i'm a little tired of hearing about the baby boomers whiny narcissistic self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy give me it it's mine give me that it's mine these people were given everything everything was handed to them and they took it all took it all sex drugs and rock and roll and they stayed loaded for 20 years and had a free ride but now they're staring down the barrel of middle-aged burnout and they don't like it they don't like it so they turn self-righteous and they want to make things hard on younger people they tell them abstain from sex say no to drugs as for the rock and roll they sold that for television commercials a long time ago so they could buy pasta machines and stairmasters and soybean futures you know something they're cold bloodless people it's in their slogans it's in their rhetoric no pain no gain just do it life is short play hard [ __ ] happens deal with it get a life these people went from do your own thing to just say no they went from love is all you need to whoever winds up with the most toys wins and they went from cocaine to rogaine and you know something they're still counting grams only now it's fat grams and the worst of it is the rest of us have to watch these commercials on tv for levi's loose fitting jeans and fat ass docker pants because these degenerate yuppie boomer [ __ ] couldn't keep their hands off the croissants and the haagen-dazs and their big fat asses have spread all over and they have to wear fat ass docker pants [ __ ] these boomers [ __ ] these yuppies and [ __ ] everybody now that i think of it well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize now there's one thing you might have noticed i don't complain about politicians everybody complains about politicians everybody says they suck yeah well where do people think these politicians come from they don't fall out of the sky they don't pass through a membrane from another reality they come from american parents and american families american homes american schools american churches american businesses and american universities and they're elected by american citizens this is the best we can do folks this is what we have to offer it's what our system produces garbage in garbage out if you have selfish ignorant citizens if you have selfish ignorant citizens you're going to get selfish ignorant leaders and term limits ain't going to be any good you're just going to wind up with a brand new bunch of selfish ignorant americans so maybe maybe maybe it's not the politicians who suck maybe something else sucks around here like the public yeah the public sucks there's a nice campaign slogan for somebody the public sucks [ __ ] hope [ __ ] hope because if it's really just the fault of these politicians then where are all the other bright people of conscience where are all the bright honest intelligent americans ready to step in and save the nation and lead the way we don't have people like that this country everybody's at the mall scratching his ass picking his nose taking his credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them so i have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way on election day i stay home i don't vote [ __ ] him [ __ ] him i don't vote two reasons two reasons i don't vote first of all it's meaningless this country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago the [ __ ] they shuffle around every four years doesn't mean a [ __ ] thing and secondly i don't vote because i believe if you vote you have no right to complain people like to twist that around i know they say they say well if you don't vote you have no right to complain but where's the logic in that if you vote and you elect dishonest incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up well you are responsible for what they have done you caused the problem you voted them in you have no right to complain i on the other hand who did not vote who did not vote who in fact did not even leave the house on election day in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as loud as i want but the mess you created that i had nothing to do with so i know that a little later on this year you're going to have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much you'll enjoy yourselves it'll be a lot of fun i'm sure as soon as the election is over your country will improve immediately as for me i'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you the only difference is when i get finished masturbating i'm going to have a little something to show for it folks thank you very much thank you very much right so [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Bowling Ball Man

Views: 912,768

Keywords: ComedySubs, George Carlin, Stand-up comedy

Id: TYq6_5FYfxU

Length: 62min 49sec (3769 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 05 2022