The Domino Effect [One Hour Stand Up Comedy Special] by Ali Siddiq

houston are you ready [Applause] hey let me start by saying this in life people um make you make a lot of mistakes in your life and you go through things and you should have went right but you went left you know you zigg when you shoot a zag things happen but you don't get a chance to pinpoint a lot of times when you went wrong and i don't know if y'all know about me but i was i used to be a street pharmaceutical rep which is very frowned upon and i had i had enough time to think about how i got there because you know i had six years in prison so i had enough time to contemplate on the mistakes that i made so i got it down to the exact year where my mistakes happened so it's 1983 i'm 10 years old oh yeah my mistake started very early so sometimes you know people complain about certain things like you know i was raised without a father and sometimes you don't know how lucky you are you know cause if you had a daddy like mine you would have just you shouldn't have just had one you should just wear it so 1983 my my dad comes to my mother's house and he wants to talk to my mother about can he talk to his kids about living with him now the problem this is the problem that my daddy left when i was three and now i'm 10. so that's seven years and it's not like it's not like i haven't seen him you know i saw him every blue moon i saw every blue moon like not like you know like out like you'll be out and your mom will be like they go your daddy you know like oh i'm not talking like scheduled business like randomly you and the groceries so your daddy checking out you walking in you know like that you know so you know i've seen my dad i know who he is but what made him think [Music] that me or my sister was going to stay with him after only just like random inactions with him and he hasn't been a parent this is my problem with him what was he watching like kramer versus kramer or different strokes or some what was he watching to think that he could do it because we because being a parent day-to-day parenting is different from visitation cause visitation has a return date right like thursday at noon you going home you know but to keep me without no no pick up time you know that's weird cause i don't know him like that so second mistake that was made my mama said okay [Applause] what was my mother thinking well maybe my mother was like ain't no way my children are gonna go live with a stranger maybe she was thinking that or maybe my mama was tired of us i don't know my mama walked in the room and i'm confused by all of this my mama walked through the room and asked us so what y'all want to do first of all you're not supposed to ask your children what they want to do i don't have enough i don't have enough information or cognitive intervention skills to make a rational decision about this my decision is based on that my daddy has been fun when i have seen him every blue moon now my mama has never cared about what we wanted to do before so i'm wondering why is this lady asking this i'm talking like i raised my children the same way my mama raised me i don't ask my kids what they want to eat never i put food down in front of like wild animals there it is under my mama rules eat or die hey my decision no more i put the food out there cause y'all y'all probably ask y'all kids what they want to eat ask them nothing because then you'll become a goddamn short order cook for your children they'll keep just everybody gonna want something different you making pancakes waffles and omelettes you know y'all think culinary school you think i went to so i don't i don't ask and i i remember my mama never asked me what i what i wanted to do i remember when i used to hate oatmeal i used to hate oatmeal i love oatmeal now because me and oatmeal have had a situation didn't even know what it tastes like but hate it my mama came in with some oatmeal or something like this for breakfast i'm like i don't want that to say well you gonna eat i said no i'm not she said well you gonna sit there i say well i'll be here my mom said you'll be there until your ass fall off and you think of your mind your mama crazy here how your ass gonna fall but anybody that has set in the chair long enough know that your ass can fall off your whole all this just numb your legs tingling you can't even stand up on these little tingles so my daddy comes in because my under my mama's permission and asked me and my sister hey um but see my mama she's thinking that i'm gonna say no but she's sadly mistaken let me say where i'm ready to go i'm ready to go because i have been living in this house with my mama and my sister and my other sister it's just girls and me and i'm sick of this you know i'm tired of bathing in doves can't find no unscented lotion nowhere in this damn house so as soon as my dad my dad didn't even get the whole sentence out he said anybody wanna i said i live with you and my sister two years older than me my sister wouldn't go over that my sister took two steps back like nah i'm cool i should have listened to her my sister been knowing him longer she's two years older and i'm packing my up and my sister giving me the eyes she like you sure and i'm i'm i'm leaving and and i'm out and my sister looked at me like hey you know mama house got a lot of amenities but the thing is my daddy is fun my mama is no fun because see my mom in a different situation she raising two kids trying to take care of everybody my daddy is a bachelor he living his goddamn life so my daddy a lot of fun man my first week in my daddy house my daddy was my first crab boy yeah we in the store and we in the seafood section and he see me looking at these crabs i'm looking at them crab my daddy says hey boy you want something in crack now i don't know what i don't know how to respond because it's not my first time seeing these crabs i've been i've been in this store before and i hadn't seen these crap with my mama and my mama they're looking at them crab my mama say boy you want something crab i said yeah and my mama said do you want to eat for a day or do you want to eat for a month [Applause] i don't know our financial situation huh that crab was 5.99 my mama's like you ain't getting that my daddy fun my dad is different my dad is sad so i you know when i said yeah got holly that so now i don't know how to respond i'm i'm my man my man she how many crap you want you don't know what you want um let me get on let me get 15 pounds of them crab i'm sitting there like oh we ain't gonna never eat again it's a lot of crap a lot of monks [Music] my daddy fun my daddy you can go outside live your life something happened to you it happened my mama no fun you know it's things that were supposed to be fun like going outside was supposed to be fun you supposed to get an adventurous my mama had a lot of rules a lot of rules man and with my mama everything was based on life or death man my mama called me in my sister hey come here both of y'all need to talk to y'all right now i need y'all listening to me you understand cause this is a matter of life in death imma give you a key you put that key on your neck and you don't let nobody know you had this key you understand me cause they will kill you that's a lot of pressure for a child the front door key you got the front door key around your neck and you seven and you outside playing and you notice that that goddamn k8 around your neck i'm [Applause] now you so nervous and you about to break that now you got to go through the apartments and find your sister cause she the only other one with a kid you walking through the apartment you don't know where else is that you just walking through the apartment erica and you asked a stranger hey man you see it my sister you're supposed to see you from a distance she noticed you already crying she knows what's wrong soon as you get up on you boy with your kid we all die i got my kingdom my mama was no fun you couldn't give i don't know if y'all had this type of mama that you you ever had that mom that told you don't go over there she told you not where to be and you went over there and you didn't got hurt but you can't stay over there you got to get the neutral ground broke your leg bro you got the belt i can't get caught over there i wasn't supposed to be over there let me get to the playground where i was supposed to be [Music] i'm outside and before i went outside my mama she told me say hey you going outside don't be like the mother little bad ass little boys the pool is closed don't jump that damn gate and be over there by the damn pool it's closed outside 15 minutes everybody else to jump that gate my goofy head right over that gate too now you know something's gonna happen cause kid is bad as hell i get pushed in the pool i have never taken a swim lesson in my room my mama cause you know mama's got a different type of sense my mama just heard the splash and came outside i don't know how she knew it was her baby came outside i saw my mama as i was going down and i swam underwater [Applause] got out that water about time my mama got downstairs i was out that pool my mama jumped the gate your ass better been out there goddamn water i was gonna beat your ass while you was drowning my mama wasn't gonna let a goddamn drown save me from my but ain't that so my mama was no fun but my mama house had a lot of amenities my mama house was set up for children my daddy is a bachelor it's not we not it's not set up right like my mama got stuff like groceries and my mama quality made my mama a lot of quality man and it's different you know a lot of black people talk about they grew up poor i never say that because i didn't grow up hope we saw it but we didn't want to be a part of it so we kept it you know but but but my mom i don't even know how my mom and my daddy met cause they two different type of people my mama is very quality she's a very quality person and my daddy not so you know and and living with moving in with him showed me the difference very fast you pick up things very fast in my mama's pantry as long as i had been living there um in my mama's pantry she would have canned goods and the canned goods would have a picture of what was in the can and a company on the can that was responsible for what was my daddy pantry um just black and white cans with just words on it corn peas rice [Applause] rice he would never know what kind of corn was in the can because you know it's different types of corn it's creamy corn whole corn sweet corn i'm like daddy wha wha what kind of corn is that he's like i don't know we both gonna be surprised and when you're a kid it's only a couple things that's important to you when you're a kid there's only a couple things because you're a kid you don't have no responsibilities what's important is cereal and your sneakers that's it good cereal for breakfast in the morning sneakers for your feet that's it my mama very quality woman very crazy woman she would buy cereal that had a commercial and some representation you know like sugar smack remember sugar had that cool ass bell like he was trying to sell your heroin hey you want some sugar snacks everybody wants to smack no smacks okay no snacks fruit lose fruit loops had a bird toucan flying around who won some fruit loops and my daddy would buy this called fruity oats and when you were a kid you supposed to pour cereal out of a box you ain't supposed to cause this came in a big ass potato sack bag you ain't gonna take no bowl and scoop no goddamn cereal no bag like chicken feed and you stand in front of the refrigerator this big bowl of scoops here like that ain't no milk he's like the milk in the cabinet [Applause] man this is [Applause] i used to always wonder why my daddy be in the kitchen to my age it's almost ready shake it so what the hell are you almost ready to milk milk is supposed to already be ready sir my daddy my mama quality person man she would buy a name brand sneakers so we had good quality shoes on our feet my daddy man my daddy would just buy that he just saw in the grocery store he just rolled through the door so he see just them shoes [Applause] my daddy make you try them shoes on too you know grocery store shoes be tied together with some little hard plastic thing and you had them shoes only like man turn around let me see i can't turn around shoes [Music] daddy man and i know sometimes you know people think i'm being hard on my father i'm not cause my daddy was not ready to be a parent i don't know why he came with a plan with me so now my mama she washed clothes my dad is a maniac so i screwed up some time in the past i've been with this man for a little bit and um man i got to go to school it is 1984. i got to take y'all back it's 1984 now i've been living with this crazy man and there's a man came out in 1984 by the name of billy ocean remember ocean below black men loved the ocean had a little he had his little curl and he had a song called caribbean queen and and when the song came out he had a video that he came out the ocean and he had these bikini drawers on yeah i remember the video he come out of the video carrier beard tweet now you're saving the same dream will be there [Music] [Applause] love below right so if you go back to 1984 on the stock market one of the hottest items on the stock market was bikini drawers black meal had about a draw they buy bikini drawers in the 80s now i come downstairs after i took my shower come downstairs look at that i got no underwear in my jaw my daddy said well she we're going upstairs to my room look in that top drawer put on some of the bikini underwear now [Applause] now to a lot of people they thinking what's the problem your underwear are under your pants anybody gonna see your underwear but see i just told y'all it's 1984 i'm in school you know what happens in school p.e fiscal education and what happens in the 80s in physical education you had to dress out you had to take your clothes off and put some gym shorts on and a school shirt and go outside and play now i totally forget that i got these bikini drawers [Applause] food it's my daddy i know i know people thinking well i ain't really just heard nothing that bad just yet about your daddy your daddy just seemed like a normal delusional bachelor so okay been living with this man a little bit and i'm asleep i'm asleep and the man comes in this is like about the third month in been like this man about three months this was the really the first time i just went on home that man walked in my room really it was his weight room that he turned into my room okay walked into my room and said hey i'm asleep 12 30 in the am the man said say look here you you sleep i said i said yeah what's up he said man lilia i'm about to go out of town [Applause] man i i got to go to school and watch it i know you got to go to school i said i'm going downtown so so what what am i what am i about to do [Music] do i walk you to school in the morning i said no you said so go to school eat you some fruity oats where you go i said boy eat some fruit though you don't go to school i said you leaving me here though what you scared i said yes i ain't never been down for myself before what's wrong with you my daddy said i you scared and pulls out a two-shot derivative black and white pearl handle he's saying now he'll if somebody come in the house you know what to do i said no i do not know what you do who you been talking to that told you i know what to do i am 10 i do not know what to do you say now look that's all preliminary i got some other things i need you to do now it's gonna be at this back door some people gonna knock on their back keep the chain on the door it's gonna be get fifteen money go upstairs you get the stuff get that to them close the door lock it i'll see you tomorrow so it's about 12 35 he gone i'm thinking my daddy playing i go sleep yo what's up man i need another one i get 15. go on block don't go up there go back i'm back so same thing back sleep i said this goddamn though it's crazy i go you know dope and cracking all night so i got to go to school tomorrow i'm up in time going to school i get i'm in school i'm sleepy get real i get sent to the office for sleeping in class i get home my daddy is sitting at the table come here let me talk to you why am i receiving phone calls from the school talking about you being sleeping class i said i don't know if you check your little box upstairs but your little box is full of money because the door was busy my dad is in it was like that i should've moved [Music] now my daddy has injected this this hustle in me and i really don't know how broad my daddy business is because he that was some little pills that he was selling now this is the time that i should have just went and got that rotary phone and called my mother and say i'm gonna meet you on the corner with my belongings i am my i'm having tooth problems my my teeth is cutting through my gums and i come downstairs in the middle of night my daddy is at the table with his two friends ivory and james and this this is looking different to me because i know ivory and j i've been seeing them a while ivory james and my daddy sitting at the table and they got a cool whip container and they got these love vials and spoons and they dumping this white stuff in these lava this is when i find out my daddy sells cocaine and ivory and james got on gun holsters and ain't nobody got no shirt on though but they got on gun hoses and i'm saying boy this is a gangster game of monopoly they playing money all on the table and i come down and say i said daddy um james saying let me see he said yeah his william t cutting in the back my daddy said come here what let me see [Applause] whole face just know [Applause] i'm just playing with my face i feel like rubber right i can't even feel it my daddy put cocaine on my teeth the man was not ready to be a parent it wasn't i finally leave my daddy after being there for four years stay with my dad learn some things my daddy was a good dude learn something my daddy tell me real gangster hey look here you don't never hope you hustle you understand me the same you can do for somebody else you do before you got themselves you got to work for nobody never work for nobody my dad said hey always be clean and fresh i'm always clean and fresh it's like i learned from my daddy now as parents you still got to watch what you say to your children now i'm back live with my mama and my mama has this slogan that she's been saying since i was 10 years old you got to get your ass out of here at 18. [Applause] she been saying this as long as i can remember anytime something go bad that's my mama go to you know something don't even worry about it cause you gotta get your ass out of here they take it you should actually stop saying that to your children because see that's something wrong to say but then when that that wrong advice that wrong mentality gets met with a wrong situation so hence this is the beginning of my street pharmaceutical life my mama moves into these apartments which is some very nice apartments but the people she didn't survey the people that lived in the parks people are different from the apartments the aesthetics of the farmer's nights the people ignorant as hell so i'm in these apartments and i meet this dude named jeffrey jeffrey a cool little cat i'm saying but he always on punishment so i don't know we really can't play that much because he he got to go in the house um now as i'm outside kicking it with jeffrey in the 80s it was a lot of weird dudes in the 80s a lot of weird-looking dudes in the 80s that had a lot of badass advice now i'm kicking it with my partner jeffrey and it's this dude named willy i have never met a good willy ever i don't know no good willies and me and jeffrey sitting there willy pull up in a cutlass it's his mama cutlass but he acting like it's his he pull up in the cutlass and he get out the car and willie looked crazy he ate his cat because in the 80s everybody had good dental insurance so that boy got an extra roll of teeth at the bottom like piranha style they both got an extra royalty and he got one of them remember the people who had them curls that didn't take all the way it's just a wig just it's just really just wet curly hair just went hell with activator on the base and he would wear one of them them car dealing caps you know they'd be white they would be green with the white trimming would you deal call your head over it it'll be wet but willie had on something that piqued my interest willie had on a fresh ass track suit that track suit was fresh as you know 80s was track suits well that boy had this fresh ass track sooner i was like what if he up that track so fresh really get willy got that cause i see him get out the color willie walk over jeff he said what's up jeffrey little young cat what's up baby who this is you got with you jeff say that's my that's my partner ali he just moved over he used to stay with his daddy he just moved over here but say willie look right at me who is you he just told you i'm ali and um i just moved over here i'll live with my daddy well say you live with your daddy that wild hair this boy got a daddy he doesn't crazy hey everybody got a daddy don't they what's that hey man what you do though i mean i i just moved over here he said man i don't know if you know i'm not youngster but everybody over here hustle i say for what my mama got a job i don't i don't need to hustle he said nah you don't want yeah i'm saying i see yeah you going definitely won't say i'll see what you got damn grocery store shoes and i ain't really never been talked about before this boy and willie's going in on me and i and i i didn't tell y'all my daddy wouldn't just buy me shoes from the ghost store he would he would buy me the workman pants that they selling the girls just saw they weren't bad bad and then boy willie noticed that i had to work man pants on the bus saying same up say say say man say say that um i just wanna know man you got a job i said no i ain't got no job why you got to get there fast [Applause] forward [Music] y'all [Applause] none of this i can't even say really got a little fresh ass drink too oh my damn but now i'm thinking about it boys saying my own thing man everybody over here hustle and then was what's illuminating in my mind is that i got to get out my mama's house at 18. i ain't got no savings i ain't got nothing so that boy said yeah everybody over here awesome mate i said what y'all do he said man we see a dope i said no you're supposed to say no to dope i've seen the commercials and everything the crime dog come on they'll say no they don't you know man they say no the dope when they talk about you using it but we ain't using it we selling it but we we sell it to nobody who don't want it made sense to me and in the back of my mind i'm thinking i gotta get my ass out my mama's house at 18. i got four more years sound like a good come up he said man yo man i say well how you how you start he said she wanted to get you a 50 pack buck so what you want to do start with you see people don't realize everybody start with a 50. all that you be seeing on tv well somebody getting doping officer nate nino brown or kingpin now because see the reason why i tell my story is the way i tell them because see people they glorify the i'ma tell you the hard that happened so these young boys know hey man you can get into the you want to just know some gonna happen to you [Applause] but when you actually in this this is a lot harder than people think a 50-pack it changes everything it's a lot of ways that she can go really on it too either you can go to jail early or you can go to jail late either way with your ass going to jail so the 50 pack get you a fifth off of 50 you can make anywhere from 110 to 120 depending on your cut i'm saying but the thing is you don't know that because ain't nobody this don't come with no manual ain't nobody walking you through the steps of dope cells you like you just out there i'm saying and people don't know that they think oh like you got a team and the team is you know everybody got a point man like you got hr in crack sales look man let me tell you this this shorted me on the last so so this is different so i you know will say you get your you get your 50 back i said where you get that from you say right now rynell is dude that supply all the young boys in neighborhood rynell is like the g money of this crew because it's a dude that's above rynell that's the big man that you really don't want to run into you just want to just deal with rynell so i'm young and naive i don't even know why i approach right now rynell is sitting on a red scooter and he got at the time i didn't know what the gun was but he got a tech nine strapped across his chest and i walk over with my goofy ass i'm like uh hey uh you right now he said who is you i say uh i'm i'm ali i just moved over here i was living with my daddy um um they said i'm supposed to get a 50 from you right now i said do you even sell dope and i've been like a smart kid like all my life i said not until you give it to me [Applause] you better bring my money back just understand this is a situation of life and dead little got my love in huh i come back over the wheel ain't near my name but i got the 50. [Applause] but i don't know what's next i don't know if you want to sell this for 60 and get this 50 and you keep the 10. but i'm thinking it's going to be a hard way to come up you got to do it 10 at a lot of monks out here so but by the dogs hey man you got to cut the up i say we what with a riser where you get that from he's a man man i'm gonna show you my so he he couldn't say let me tell you you're gonna have to cut some nickels some dimes and up doing it i say man i i took a little the little ceramic class and this don't look like enough to make nickels and die boy no boy you ain't making no damn pennies in pieces boy the size of the make it with it i'ma show you so he cut it up then it matches on the table and i'm like well i'm going to put all this stuff he said you're going to have to put some put it in something he said i put my in the match box i'm going through my mama's house trying to find some i find a film bottom i take the film i put all my in the film bob they say well come on man let's get on out here we on the dope cut this is my first time i don't know ain't nobody gave me no rules though you know so i'm just out there and it's a lot of traffic it's a lot of business going on everybody walking up to people and they walking off and then they walking and they're getting and they walking and um and you know people coming up fast and they sometimes they got stuff in their hand and what's up and then they go and i don't know when to get in there because you know it's like everybody got their own their own customers you know i'm saying i'm saying though that she right there okay cool you know oh she didn't came to you like three times that must be you so i didn't jeffrey's like hey man you're gonna you want to get out there mike so i jump out there and this dude he hey what's up this dude walk up to me he's just looking at me and i'm looking at him [Music] [Applause] i'll turn i say no is he supposed to say something he's gonna tell me did jeffrey go sliding from me get the out the way you tripping out here tripping i gotta go back in the house i'm gonna punish me boy jeffrey makes a little sale and he's going and then really gonna tell me hey man this side ain't for you go down there where the car is at to sit there so i go down cause now it's people in call they pulling up and people running up to the cars and they boom boom boom and they gone i don't i don't know what they got in their hand i'm just you know so i'm gonna put my little i got two rocks in my hand i want to give people you know choices i don't know you know customer service i don't know my first time so i run up to this car and i and i say what's happening man what you need and i put my hand in the car and i put my car and that man hit my hand and drove off [Applause] jeffrey came and said hey maybe you just come here [Music] i said j what's up man did you just put your hand in your car i said yeah did you have some dope in your hand i said yeah that man popped your hand didn't it i said yeah but i think he gonna come around and come back he said man that man not coming back the man took that man you paid right now yeah i said pay pay then what man come over here let's put you put on your dope right here you can't lose no model this is a matter of life [Applause] so now i know i can't lose i can't lose no more dough and um it's not easy it's not easy people be thinking that it is not easy because it's no clean sales all this is criminal activity the person who's smoking is a criminal and you are so it's not it's not gonna be fair but people but you don't know that you don't know it's not gonna be fair you thinking people do fair business so i think first sale i'm thinking it's gonna be clean i think it's gonna be clean i see this dude ain't curt is it kirk boom boom boom walking kirk says what's up youngster i said what's happening he said man you got something something like what man let me get a dime from you so i i go on my little film i turn my back this time i don't know about all of my pull her down my hand i come up boom boom i give him the dime he give me the 10. i'm saying i'm thinking that it's clean sale i turn around it's a lady standing there i'm like hey how you doing man she punched me in a goddamn job so i push i'm gonna miss what you doing and then the dude jump on me and i'm fighting both i'm like i'm fighting the goddamn dopey couple out here i'm not gonna fight a goddamn couple i said man i'm 14 what the is wrong with y'all i get away from them i'm coming through the neighborhood kind of quick i'm like what the and i see jeff i see jeff jeff say man what's wrong with you i said man i said to this dude and then this lady hit me in the jaw he said oh kirk and gwendolyn oh boy ain't no clean cells with them you see kirk you got to watch for glen you see when you got the watchman but they wow i was selling the kirk the other day boy i'm looking for i'm looking everywhere i'm looking high low too boy i steal the hill i think it's a clean sail i turn around this jump out of the tree on my say oh this crazy [Applause] ain't nobody told me that it's a dope feeling couple out here jumping on goddamn pen now you know i'm coming through still walking through the neighborhood the dude named champ champ is a big dude champ is unknown from what i understand my first experience with him champ is a known dope biter he bite your dope man see hustlers know hustle's like yo that's what it is dude say yeah hey man let me get something man i say man what you need you say man let me see what you got baby man put [Laughter] [Applause] i ain't taking that down you beat that down that's yours don't play with me dog he said yo you better get that out of my face man i say hey man don't play with me chad i swing on champ champ a big dude champ dodged me and grabbed me and the threw me in a dumpster i wouldn't even buy no dumpster the man threw me in a dumpster my old body i'm in a dumpster and in the 80s people were drinking 40s back then i landed in the dumpster as soon as i see i feel a 40 bottle i get up and i throw that and bust him all the goddamn chair oh god damn youngster all this behind some crack i say november because you threw me in a dumpster the nod coming through the hood he's a hey boy i just seen you get thrown in that dumpster was it champ i said yeah how you know he's a threw me in the dumpster this hard out here ain't it boys so out here doing now a lot of dudes out here man people you i'm going through a lot of it's a dude i'm 14. i don't even have a bicycle i just walked this neighborhood this dope thing came up to me with a car battery [Applause] now youngster now look don't don't start with the now this is a brand new ass back say but i don't have no car though man what i'm gonna do with the combat now eventually you out here hustling you're gonna come up you're gonna need this now i'm sitting there contemplating me but that got broken up cuz i i ain't know the dude name until byron and this just standing in front of me with this car battery just took off running this dude okay bye we're not catching over there you better bring my back here man trying to set me up stolen this is ridiculous but you're going through it and you don't know why cause you you you're out of here yeah and nobody's telling you what happens now it's just dude i mean um it's always somebody got something going on dude come through he said hey hey you know she i see what you got popping come on by my plate i got this white girl because they all for some reason i always had a white girl that was smoking for some reason i got this white girl smoking like a chimney come on about my play you can get your off so i'm over there in a place and i'm i'm sitting at the table and i'm serving rockford rockets they buying they smoking this gets crazy this boy's smoking this little shitty yeah y'all made out here [Applause] this blew crack smoke in my face and i said you trying to get me addicted [Applause] me and this man we go to fighting cause i'm i'm dripping by this crack smoke in my face we go to fight and as we fight he a gun fell out of his waist a 25 automatic now i ain't never had no gun beside my daddy look the derringer i picked the gun up i'm not even holding the goddamn gun right i'm not holding the the trigger i'm holding the outside of the gun and i'm saying that i've only heard on tv i said everybody down don't make me pop your ass in here i'm easing out the dope freeze so now i got a gun first gun and i then paid right now this little fifth house and i still had to get fronted again another 50-pack now i'm out here getting my little old off and i'm happy to be at the park and it's just this is gay dude 19. he assisted now look this is the 80s you could call them sisters in the 80s i'm telling you from the 80s i'm not talking about that don't write no goddamn letter on me you know it was only one in the whole neighborhood back then you know and this is named team and we call them tink to and it's the 80s what and team teak is more funny than gate that was a funny dude team came up i'm at the park team came up to rynell right why do i gotta keep walking over here to get my crap i don't like it why can't nobody sell crack over there in the apartment i live in i'm walking back and forth back and forth my little reed boxes toe up back and forth team is so goddamn funny to me because team got on them soft aerobic reeboks [Applause] and he got on leg warmers like like like richard simmons they both got on leg ones and he got the little carl lewis shorts remember the car little shorts and t team got a wet curl he got a wet curl but he wear a coca-cola hat over here and he got a half shirt on the same thriller and tink is complaining there ain't no drug does in his apartments and he's tired of walking over here to get his cracks you need to send some of your crack workers over to the greens i'm smart though i'm listening to the conversation and i had already walked off i knew i know how team walked to his apartment i met tink in that parking lot i say tink he said what i said um i said um this is popping like that over there you're somebody yes we over there do you want me to show you i will show you [Applause] ting people i walked over in the apartment with team team saying go to the pool go to the pool i'll bring them let me tell you something ten minutes later i realized why tinkshire said thriller because then came out to work like zombies [Applause] but teeth brought them to me but hey i'm over there stock market so now don't nobody know how i'm coming up don't nobody know how i'm coming up right now has noticed i don't get fronted no mo i just come and buy my little drugs from it i got up to an ounce now i'm up to an ounce and i come to the park i say um right now to me let me get the house that i need but this day at the park charles nino brown is here the big man is at the park and um he talking to me and and i don't want to be talked to i'm talking right now let me get that let me get down he said what's up youngster um um right now let me get that out so i can i can bounce somebody up brother man he said young say man i heard about you man and i'm still um [Music] let me get that house rynell say um charles talking to you i said i hear it charles said hey johnson i see what you're doing man i heard about you man you were all in my neighborhood selling a lot of drugs man i'm trying to ask you what you think about you think about working with me and i'm let me get that out chelsea mate man you are you hearing me i said man i um i i don't i'm i'm just i don't really want to work for nobody [Music] man this man said nah y'alls i don't think you really get what i'm saying everybody around here work for me you can get proud of my from who worked for me so basically if i don't you know probably you're going to work so man you what i'm saying is this here man and charles pulls out the biggest gun that i've ever seen in my life at the time i didn't know it was called a desert eagle that man pulled that gun out he said oh yo what you don't know man is what i'm saying to you is man that you gon work for me now but what y'all don't realize i've been out here selling dope for like four weeks now i'm i'm way more harder than anything i've been galvanized by the streets at this time and so why why charles didn't talk about that she would have looked with his gun on me he don't even see that i didn't reach in my little waistband and pulled out my luck 25 and i hit his as with the no now i ain't gonna be selling for nobody my man charles said wow this little that pulled a pistol on me right there you ain't telling me to look got hard i didn't pull any pills a little you talking let me see your little pills nick [Music] [Applause] my hand's still up oh yeah [Applause] so you never think that you're gonna need him the man has said you ever need him you got him call on you never think you'll need him though so i'm 15 at this time and um i'm about about five five 100 pounds and earlier in this particular day i got into a little altercation with a dude named quincy quincy is like the neighborhood strong debo crack dude and he'll beat you up and take your crack and your money and and smoke it in your face that's what he'll do so i'm walking through the apartments and quincy see me say yo yo i know you're holy what's up now quinn said it's about 6 4 2 50 260 big dude and i say quincy man what's up man give me a dime i say throw your money hold the ground man why you trying to do me like that i said man just throw your money on the ground and i sit your dope right here man you act like i'm a pigeon or something i said no i'm acting like you are a jacker little y'all don't know why i wanna with you but i don't even worry about a little don't even worry about balling this ten dollars up give your money little boy for that chris is a grown ass man they call me a little boy so this is the the thing that taught me that i hold grudges as well so i get paged and my page go out with my page called that mean go to the park see because see this is these pages that didn't have numbers they just you can get page and you just know where the you supposed to be it's just a beat so i get to the park it's a dude named pat at the park and pat said yo let me get something from you i got two rocks left i got about four thousand dollars strapped around my ankles in my socks and i'm about to take it in for the day i have two rocks left i roll up i say what's up yes we got something under here now i got two rocks left unbeknownst to me that pat is quincy's brother and as i'm serving pat i get tapped on the shoulder as i turn around quincy has hit me with everything he had boom and in hollywood i know when you see movies in hollywood people be up in the air when they get punched you think that can't happen i am hoisted up in the house [Applause] and if you don't think your body can bounce off cement once again you're wrong my body came out oh [Music] and if you look at my face i had this huge scar on my face where they did surgery because quincy broke five bones in my face and my optic nerve and my whole eyeball was flipped over so when i opened my eye you would just see white and i'm on the ground and i knew it was quincy because my ear when i landed my ear was on the ground and quincy early that day had on dress shoes [Applause] when i'm on the ground all i could hear was the clicking of the dress shirt so that's all i could hear was that clicking right and so i i've been in my neighborhood a long time so i could walk through my neighborhood without no eyes i don't need my eyes to walk through my neighborhood i finally get up and i walk the neighborhood just trying to get back to where we hang out at and i'm touching oh that's the mailbox oh that's the pool can't jump that gate again walking through and i get all the way to where i cool hang out and when i get there i fall to the ground and charles went up little what's wrong with you i said quincy hit me in the eye he said i knew that had just did something i saw him running on a goddamn battery that had on dress shoes didn't so i'm 15 when that happened it's a wrap up here from here by the name of bun bean bun b has a crew called the middle fingers in the middle fingers it's a dude named bandit i tell true stories this is why i tell people's name so you can if you want to you can verify the story so i'm 18 we in band is mama's beretta she drove a burgundy beretta and in the car and we driving down this street which i can't say the name of the street because i don't know the statue of limitations on certain crimes [Applause] so we ride down the street and and on paris side and out the corner of my eye my good one i see a dude standing at the bus stop that looks like quincy and i said yo bandit pull over right here and let me out he said man you don't stay over here i said i know where i stay let me out he said what's up i say remember i told you about that dude hit me in my face and i'm 15. he said yeah i said he back there at that bus stop let me out man he said man let that go i said i can't do that can't do that get out i'm walking down the street and at this time my gun of choice was a 380 beretta that's my kind of choice walk up i say say my man what's your name he said quincy and i spit on him walked out and i walked out bandy pulls up get in the car get in the car and say man that's up it's up what you just did you shot that man in my mama car i said i didn't shoot that man in your mama car i shot that man outside your mama called and i told you to go about you got there in business now that is when i was 18. 19 i went to prison not for that for something else this is how i know i hold grudges 19 i went to prison i'm 22 now i'm on darrington unit 22. i'm on dancing and then on in prison tdc they have a brush called a brush this is what you clean the toilet with that's why it's called the brush we call the toilet the and it's usually made out of hard plastic or wood depending on what year you came in so i come in a day room and i see a dude sitting at the table i said is that quincy this live i picked that brush up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i say say my man what's your name please say clinton hit that man right on top of here split his over man this man started fighting cells come in and break the up and i'm saying they me because i'm saying crazy no let me tell you something one of us got to go home cause i'm gonna murder you and your mama and i'm gonna write the letter i'm so mad i'm saying crazy that's where i'm 22. last year i'm in walmart [Applause] and i see a man on a walker [Applause] i turn to my mom i say hey go to the call she said what i said go to the car what's wrong i say remember i told you about that man who you've been mine go to the call [Music] [Applause] say my man that dude charge around and said don't you hit me i was on crack i am sorry [Applause] [Applause] and you know you know something that i i realized as i thought about all of this i um i went to prison for six years i got jumped on by a dolphin couple i got thrown in a dumpster got my eye messed up holding the grudge for a man all these years and i realized i did all of that for a fresh ass track suit [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] even in when you're doing something wrong it's a time that your moral compass says you should stop so as i was selling drugs it was one instance that i really knew that hey thought you you really kind of need to shut it down i i bought a bmw i'm 17 i bought a bmw i didn't have a cosigner so i had to get the dolphin name all [Applause] to co-sign from me and this was the whole experience cause i was doing way too much all i said ah when coming here the man gonna ask you are you my father you say yes that you can sense this deal we ain't the man didn't even say nothing to him yet the man just came and sat down and opened the fouls and this month for holla i'm his daddy so i buy i get the call and a year so later cause i'm 17 at this time uh you're like a year in the idol vow and the idol vow control unit went out and it's just dude and apartments because everybody who's on drugs didn't start on drugs they was something productive probably before they got in that situation so this dude is a mechanic certified because it said on his he got a work shirt you say kevin so he's certified so he said you know now i can fix your coffee you get the parts i fix it so that's what happened the man and then the man did a good job man a good job now the problem was this is my moral compass came in because i'm in the car and you know when if somebody fakes your car they tell you to start maybe their hood still be up they tell you to start the man is leaning in the car and he's saying say young fired up and i turn the call and i hear and my car i know my car my car don't sound like that so i immediately cut it off and before i knew it all i heard was god dammit youngster you didn't knock my fingertips off he was leaning in the in the hood and the fan the fan knocked his fingertips out [Applause] and he bleeding like above my head daddy give me a napkin i said no you need a doctor [Applause] and i'm trying to give him you know that blue mechanic napkins i'm trying to give him them he wrapped his hand up that was instantly red this up and this is where i'm up at he wrapping his hand up blood still everywhere that man say hey y'all put that crack in my pocket what you told me i'm like you still want to do but you're fake until the player [Applause] i should've stopped and and and i thought about it man i thought about it thought about it man i spent six years in prison i got jumped on by a dolphin couple i got thrown in a dumpster got my vision up i didn't shot and hit a man on a walker i didn't knock the man fingertips off all that for a dope ass tracksuit [Applause] you

Channel: Ali Siddiq

Views: 12,725,683

Keywords: Comedy, Def Jam, Showtime, HBO, Comic View, Laugh, Comedy Central, Comedian Ali Siddiq, Funny, Creative, TV, stand-up, stand-up comedy, Ali Siddiq, the domino effect, somino, effect, domino effect, one hour stand up special, stand up, houston, tx, def comedy jam, nbc, bring the funny, it's bigger than these bars, the joe rogan experience, live from gotham, incarceration, ali siddiq stand up full, ali siddiq mexicans got on boots, funny jokes, funny clips, funny video, home alone

Id: EsKDNZQhVX0

Length: 81min 17sec (4877 seconds)

Published: Thu May 19 2022