Fentanyl Addict interview-Nicole

oh my god like like at gunpoint or something you you're so sweet that's so freaking like it's the second time oh my god what the hell okay no thank you i'd probably ship my pants but no i mean like i've definitely been robbed at gunpoint i mean like not me like might not have that held at my head but like when i was in the car with somebody like that's wild it's loud out there today some days are quiet down here and other days they're just loud today oh my gosh i'm kind of nervous like yeah everybody gets nervous you'll be fine i'm gonna ask you questions you already know okay because i wasn't just like i was like there's what's that that's just to sink the tube the audio when i something like so interesting to me like i love this i mean it seems like such a fun job too fun and dangerous and dangerous i mean yeah dangerous is fun so yeah i guess it's like skid row it's fun and dangerous yeah i mean why not soon right nicole yes nicole where are you from where'd you grow up i grew up in the bay area uh california and uh it's up north um so i grew up in a i actually grew up in oakland california and then in the hills um oakland hills and then moved to san leandro and then to alameda so i did a lot of moving around a lot of moving around just at a young age how was your family as a kid um my family is a kid well i'm an only child so my mom and my dad um you know they had me they worked a ton and i never really saw them at all so my grandparents really took me in um took me to school um you know picked me up from school took me all my doctor's appointments and stuff like that um they pretty much raised me and my my parents saw me at night one like once in a while but while i was growing up like they my mom's an alcoholic and my dad's kind of one of those aloof kind of like doesn't really like you know even like kind of denies it and like there was a lot of violence in my household um they would constantly fight like aggressively fight throw things at each other and like i'd be hitting each other you know bad fighting and as a kid and only child i felt i had nobody you know and i just would hate hang out in the closet and a lot of the times like i would just that was my spot and i would just like sit there and just cry like it was sad but like that's kind of like all i knew growing up um it was tough um yeah it was like really lonely like i remember i had a lot of animosity towards my mom my dad for not having more kids i always thought like why like i'd always be like why couldn't you have more kids like i hate this like my mom's an only child as well so you know i'd always be like you know how it felt wrong because it really was lonely i hate i always tell people that i know like that are pregnant i'm like have another kid like you know like don't it's lonely but you know and then i was my grandparents you know so they're like uh obviously older so you know it was kind of boring like you know and just like i didn't have anybody i felt very alone and so i think that's why like like down here is a big reason and like i like a lot like i know it's dangerous whatever but on the other hand it's like you've meet some of the most loving people i've ever met down here so i don't know and i think that loneliness brought on a lot of like um stuff that i'm going through now in my life like i'm an addict um you know i'm a i'm a drug addict um so um well really started with alcohol and like that started in like high school i you know did the typical like party girl like i was like the party girl friends and yeah there's a group of seven of us that like i'm still friends with to this day but uh we like partied a lot you know we did like uh coke was probably the next thing and that was probably like around like 20s like after high school and then um i started just that's when i was like i'm thinking i'm going now i'm all like um but yeah so then it moved on to like you know harder stuff it did it was the typical like gateway drug and then the alcohol and then it more and more piled on coke and then i started doing methamphetamine like i'd say like a couple years ago and then um about two years ago as well i started doing um heroin and um now the now the end thing like fentanyl everyone's starting to do fentanyl and that's that's what's doing heroin because it's stronger you know um all that stuff so i'm currently on fentanyl yeah apparently yeah so that is a huh be careful with that yeah it's sad it's like me and my friends were talking about it and um we were saying that it's it's sick but um it's the truth because like like someone will say someone will overdose and you know as an addict you just want the best powerful like [ __ ] out there you want the most like heart you want the best high you want to get that high that's all we're you know searching for and so like when you hear about someone overdosing like you're like oh my gosh like i want like where'd they pick up where'd they get that bag cause i want that bag you know what i mean like it's so sick cause you're like it's just it's a sick thing so yeah we're currently on fentanyl i'm really trying to get lean i don't want to live like this i mean i've been you know crying i spent a lot of time days crying like just praying to god like to like let this disease you know free me because i've been captive to it i feel like a prisoner like in my own body um for years now like the last two years have just been how absolute hell and you know i just so badly want to be free from it you know but it's hard it's really what do you think people don't understand about trying to quit drugs because because so many people like i'll read the comments sometimes and people say oh just quit get back to your family yeah what i think people don't understand is that it's not us anymore what like it's not me like anymore like once the drug like it's like i'm dependent on it and once i feel i need it like nicole's not there anymore you know the drug takes over and i feel like a lot of people take it so personally like like i'm the first like i'm doing these things like i don't know like it's not me like i am not the drug like and the drug is not me and like like we become almost one what i'm using and like a lot of people forget like that it's like i'm not this person just because i'm doing bad things and i i i maybe come off it was like disgusting drug addict like as my mother likes to say even though she's a [ __ ] alcoholic um i you know i'm not you know that's not me anymore and i'm sick if there was a choice the choice might have been years ago when you first picked up the cocaine or whatever right yeah but the choice is no longer a choice now yeah it's a necessity yeah it'd be yeah at first i believe like it's more important than breathing right yeah oh yeah yeah totally and um i believe that it's a disease of choice like is what i always say like at first you like yeah you have to like if you're clean after like you're good you're clean you got clean you know it's a choice to pick that up again but after you have gotten clean and you know you're working the sobriety game and you're getting sober and you're in recovery um yeah and you pick up again that is a choice but once you're you picked up again there you're that's it like you know that there is no choice like it's it it literally controls your whole life like it is more important than breathing like and it's like crazy like i don't i don't think like right now i don't think i i can't remember the last time i had like a good meal except for last night when you know uber gave me that meal like that was the last time i like eaten in like probably a couple weeks what kind of things that maybe people that don't use drugs to take for granted in their lives do you not experience like like eating well like literally like sleeping sleeping like water like like having like i don't know it's like okay let's see yeah like that's what i meant like taking a shower like taking a freaking like a [ __ ] in a nice bathroom or like like i don't know just you know being like in somewhere they can be whether if it's raining like they have a roof over their head like it's just like the littlest things like i don't know like i took a shower the other day and i was just like in the shower and i was like crying because i was like this is so amazing like and then i thought to myself i'm like these are things that like years ago like i would have never questioned like how much comfort is there in your in your life comfort yeah right now there isn't any like besides the drawings that's what i was just yeah like that's why like when i use drugs like i'm like that's like comfort that's a lot of people go through their lives and they sleep in a comfortable bed they sit on a comfortable sofa they sit in a warm comfortable house yeah they wake up to a nice comfortable breakfast and everything's yeah around comfort your your existence is about survival and if you would have known me like in high school like uh even like beginning like i went to community college like even the beginning years of like community college like you would have never guessed like i went home for her i actually went home for christmas this year and i saw some of my my best girlfriends that i went to school with and they were like we would have never known we would have never known like that you would turn out like this and like that hurts like that hurts to hear you know you don't look like a drug addict and they you know you could go to santa monica right now and really walk around and no one would say oh my god look at that drug addict really because like in my body and in my head like i feel like i look like the most disgusting thing out there like i feel like i look disgusting and i think that's like the drug kind of telling me like you look disgusting you are disgusting like like that's like like the type of things i tell myself when i'm on drugs because i feel like i'm a loser i feel just like and i look at when i look at myself like that's what i see like a disgusting drug but it's funny you've been i'm sorry go ahead no i was gonna say like other people will say like you look good or like you don't look like a drug addict and like i'm like are you kidding me no you definitely don't but how long have you been homeless um i've been homeless god it's the last year full i'd say the full for like fully because i would stay i would go and like my parents would take me back and let me stay with them but like fully homeless like the last like year but living this kind of life where you're doing drugs and homelessness well internet like i've been to treatment it's not like i haven't got tried to get clean before i have been treatment like seven five seven times yeah so so i guess my point is when you're living this stuff this kind of life the respect and dignity that a person might have in a normal existence is gone yeah so all of a sudden you're like beaten down your self-worth is beaten down to you know you see yourself as beautiful and and attractive or anything like that whereas you you as an outsider who just met you you look beautiful and you're attractive as can be but you're not and you certainly don't look like a drug addict but you don't see it that way no i don't see it that way at all that's why it's is shame a big part of that yeah shame um a big one for me is guilt um i miss a lot of things like because of drugs and alcohol i mean i missed like my grandparents that the ones that raised me i was really close but they my grandma just died like like in october no you're hauled again 29 29. yeah she just died this last past year and i wasn't there to to see her go i wasn't you know i was too busy doing drugs and getting uh and like partying as my mom likes to say but it's like not a party anymore and you know you know it's like that's another thing that i think a lot of people who don't use drugs um kind of like don't realize is that they think like it's a party or something like oh i'm having all this fun but it's not fun anymore you know it's not fun anymore it becomes a time where it's just like absolutely hell and what what emotions do you deal with less what emotions do i deal with mostly did you get depressed oh yeah i i grew up when i grew up grew up i was depressed i you know a lot of anxiety um but yeah depression is a big one i really hard on myself so i am get down on myself a lot and i get really sad and i get really um emotionally like distraught like i just i can't find comfort in anything besides like numbing it it seems like you have no kids no kids how do you escape having kids because so many women around your age in this lifestyle like they've had seven kids and they're not raising any of them how i escaped i birth control not even not even i i i did have a couple abortions but i just i just i don't know i don't want to say i got lucky because like i want them to come off as rude like like people have kids like oh like that you know that stuff like i just i don't know i i just kind of knew what i did knew that i didn't want kids until i was like 100 ready and 100 able to give the kids a life that i would want them to have like i don't want to have kids while i'm a drug addict like well i'm using drugs like it's just not fair how are you making sure that doesn't happen well um i mean i do like protection of course and you know i i did have a steady boyfriend there for a little bit so we you know um it's just to be honest with you i don't really know like i i would say like i i just just happened that way i was lucky like you know i could have been pregnant um because i've had two abortions so i told myself the next time i ever get pregnant like i'm gonna have it because i have to again i can't have the abortions you know but i haven't taken any precautions to that to be honest with you and i have gotten lucky in that sense so it's like why i should start i should start you know changing my life around now because it's like i'm still in the place where i can like you know have a kid without with being clean i can get clean and still have okay because you're you're so like mentally together and attractive there's going to be so many comments saying oh girl just get yourself together and just just quit and yeah it's like it's it's it's so annoying hearing that because if it was that easy like i would have done it you know long ago i would have done it a long time ago like it's and you know my mom and dad they always say things like it make me feel so terrible like why are you doing this to our family like why are you doing this to us like don't you love us and like stuff like that it's like i love them with everything in my heart like every inch of my heart every i love so hard like that's the thing another thing about drug addicts is that we feel so deeply we feel so like emotionally and deeply inside of us like that it's like almost too much you know and we're trying and so when things happen to us you know we like especially me like i just lose it like i'm like i mean it's so hard for me to go through these emotions because i feel so hard and that's something that i you know i think a lot of people don't realize is that we're just trying to numb that you know we're i'm such an empathetic person like when someone else is going through something like i feel that like i feel their pain and i'm always like i'm like it's too much to bear i'm just you know i need to like numb that feeling it sounds like you still have friends though yeah i do yeah i still have friends uh you know i still i like i have my girlfriends back home they could not be any different than me though like they're all super successful you know one works for twitter one is you know a nurse one's a doctor one's a model one you know and then it's like oh here i am like the drug addict the homeless drug addict and it's like that's why like i also use cause i'm like i don't want to think about that like i'm i don't want to think about the fact that like i threw away my life like pretty much um and they're just all like these successful women beautiful successful women you know that's really hard and when i go home that's a bit and see my parents it's another big questions like don't you see your friends like why you know why don't you want to follow in their footsteps or what you know and it's like why i don't even want to go home yeah it's like i don't even want to go home anymore i see anyone because it's like that's all i hear that's all i hear is such a huge part of what i hear in these stories shame is so it literally eats you up and one thing i learned that people tell me in treatment or was that like they're just like you know you gotta let go of that shame and guilt because what is that even doing for you you're holding on to shame and guilt but why like why are you doing that to yourself you know it's like it's not helping you like but again it's one of those things where it's so much easier said than done um but it's true it's like it's not helping it's you sit in that shaving guilt it's just like you know it's just you it's like a cycle it's just you sit but think of all the things you've done you're in guilt you use now you're in shame you know it's like okay it's like a cycle and it's just like you need to look i need i need to find a way to break the cycle um so you know that's and stay there and stay in there you know i've gotten like the longest time i've had cleans probably like six months and that to me was like a miracle how did that happen uh i went to uh rehab and when i got out i went to really good sober living and as soon as i was living in arizona at the time um and i stayed close to the community i gained a fellowship which is i think the most important thing is like finding people that you can trust that are clean and live like a good like a lifestyle that you that you envy kind of like like i had a great sponsor and i stayed connected i stay connected went to meetings um i showed up for people who needed help i was really into like helping other women i love you know i'm an open book i wear my heart on my sleeve and i i like to help women especially because i like i said grew up a really lonely life and like i didn't have like like that woman woman to like role model to look up to my mother was very shut off and didn't you tell me much about anything and so um i i you know i showed up for them and that's what helped my sobriety is showing up for others is a big reason why like i stayed clean during that time is six months long enough do you feel in rehab with a longer stay ahead well i went to rehab for um four months and then i went to sober living which is like kind of like a halfway house um for two months so honestly like no like i feel like rehab should be like a year like more it's some that are 30 days i'm like you're not even like detoxed at that at that 30 days you're not even like the drugs aren't even at your system yet so yeah i would say like a year or plus would be ideal for rehab i've heard that exact comment so many times from addicts who have gotten clean is is without at least a year year and a half you're just going to relapse yeah it's true because you have like it's you it's more that it's not the drugs are just as like you know what we use but we need to fix what's in here and there's really no time limit to that like you know there's it's no guarantee that like okay like three months you're gonna be yeah you're you're gonna be great you're gonna be with all the deaths all the fentanyl deaths happen lately how do you feel about that you know when i first went to rehab they told me like you're gonna you're gonna see a lot of these people are gonna lose their lives like you know you're not three maybe four people out of this room and there'd be a room full like 40 people like are going to make it like are actually going to get this thing and i was like that's like such a lie like you know so going seven times i've lost i don't know i would want to say like over like 40 people um to fentanyl like so far like since like in the last like two years so yeah yeah probably more and you know it's like you go on facebook and every day is like a new person up there like oh another so-and-so died overdosed so and so died overdosed you know and some of these people are people that you never think like you know like we're even like you know i have friends back home that i never even thought would use drugs like they use fentanyl one time and they're gone and then there's people like me where i've been using it now fentanyl like probably like the last six months and steadily now there's carfentanyl too which is like an even stronger form of fentanyl and i think when you're using it are you worried about that or is it just no no no you need your face and uh i was telling i like for me like it's like you wanna it's like the closest thing to dying without dying is like i'm currently so depressed that like just wanna be in that state of because someone's like why do you want to do that to yourself it's like i just want to feel nothing and i said i want to be as close to death as possible without actually dying and that to me is like getting high on fentanyl do you did you feel loved as a child you think with your family um i felt loved yes but i didn't feel like i could i didn't feel like i felt loved but i didn't feel like i could be my i didn't it's like a weird i can't explain it but i i definitely know i was loved but i don't think that like i was like able to like be who i really wanted to be i felt i had to plea yeah exactly i felt i had to please i was very like always wanting i'm a very i'm a person that likes to please everyone and it never gets me anywhere but i felt like i'm almost like i had to please my parents um but i didn't and i definitely know there was love but it just didn't feel like there was any room for me to be myself or like know who i was because i was constantly trying to like please my mom please my dad like things that they wanted me to do but i never really didn't got to do like anything that i i didn't get to know myself i think i think what you just said is probably the most important part of your story because after doing so many of these talks the difference between love and unconditional love is is huge and yes you are loved by your parents but if you really break it down you were conditionally loved by your parents and that's a very different story yeah and then you end up going through life as an adult never feeling like you were truly seen truly loved yeah mm-hmm it's like weird and that's hard to deal with so drugs are the other remedy yeah and then addiction comes after and now now you're in you're stuck in quicksand and you can't get out yeah and it's weird to me when someone tells me that they love me or like you guys will be like like i love you or i'm like what the [ __ ] and then then the other the next chapter of that is which i've seen many times is when somebody truly loves you you can't accept it yeah yeah you'll flake you'll reject it you'll push it away you'll do you'll sabotage it somehow yeah and that's why i was interested because it's not what you experienced as love what you experienced with love is that conditional yeah screwing with from your parents and and that's the only situation that you're going to be satisfied with not something better and not something different but that that that's a hard thing to break free of yeah like what i was gonna say was that i i find it very strange like almost when people like love me because i'm like why you know like what do you see me that i don't see in me because i was like i said i'm so hard on myself i'm just you know so when people like see things in me like that like positive that like actually like positive uh traits and stuff i'm just like what i don't know it's like i just wish i could see myself that way but i don't like when i look in the mirror sometimes like i've like even like been like i've even cried i'm like oh like you're just disgusting i tell myself that it's like who wouldn't feel that way after telling themselves that all the time you know it's like people always like say good things about yourself in the mirror like some positive like you know things about yourself i'm just like i can't it's like i don't i can't bring myself to do it because i don't see that and the more you try to do it the more you feel bad about yourself yeah right yeah yeah and it's like i know like doing the drugs and going down this road is not is not what's going to make my life better but it's like i just want to feel better in that moment that it's like it doesn't matter like i need to feel better and i need to feel better right now so like like even knowing that it's like i don't know it's just i just need to fix feel better in that moment and that's to me that all that matters is like i know like like right now like this is my only outfit um like this you know i haven't showered in days and i haven't eaten and you're still beautiful thank you thank you so much and that's why it's like dude like but you can't hear that no yeah i could tell you that a billion times yeah yeah exactly and i'm just like no like stop you know did you do you think an environment a situation where where you are getting nothing but respect and kindness and dignity and there's none of this abuse that you're getting here on skid row or the streets might actually turn your thinking around and make you able to love yourself and accept love from others do i think sorry just an environment where you are constantly treated consistently treated with love and respect and dignity do i think that might change your thinking about yourself and maybe make you able to accept uh on their life that's i mean i i hope i i don't know i don't know the answer to that because i haven't felt i don't know what it's going to take it's hard it's hard to even imagine hard to imagine yeah you're living in a tent yeah it's definitely living on the street yeah it's definitely hard to imagine that um i want to i want that so badly but i'm not sure i'll ever you know 29 years of feeling something and then i don't what does it take to change it i don't know i can't just change change direction yeah so i would i would love to say yes but you know i yeah you know i i do feel the love though like down here like some of the people that have gone through the most horrendous lives like like have gone through the most craziest things i've ever heard are the most loving people i've ever met so it's like why am i not like you know what what are they doing like what what are they you know it's it's crazy like some of the people down here are just so loving and they are you know had gone through hell their whole life so i'm like what the hell like what are they doing what did they have to experience that i didn't like when is it gonna when am i gonna learn like to at least like and i do love other people a lot like i can love other people you know i love i care i'm very caring but when it comes to myself it's like like i don't give that love to myself like i do to others like i write you know i give like my shirt off the right i give my shirt off back to some my back to somebody before you know doing something that's cliche but it's true that you need to love yourself in order to love others and if you loved yourself that loved and accepted and forgave yourself and just loved yourself completely you'd you'd be more able to be kind and loving to others and you'd still be taking care of yourself in fact the more you give to others the more you'd be taking care of yourself yeah that's that's why i you know when i see parents and they're just worried about their kids worried about their kids worried about their kids and not treating themselves so well like no take care of yourself you take care of yourself and you're going to naturally take care of your kids your kids are going to pick up on that and it'll just be a positive cycle of love and kindness because you're taking care of yourself yeah you'll naturally take care of your kids but when you're just trying to take care of your kids and you don't really count your kids pick up on that and yeah and the cycle continues it's true i think that's what happened with my mom is like she she's an alcoholic she's my god my whole life but now it's like she never really took care of herself did she come from an alcoholic family my grandparent like i guess i drink i don't know much about my they're very my mom's side my family is very secretive there's a lot of things that they don't tell but um i guess my mom grew up with it's always a sign yeah exactly like so i guess there was a lot of alcoholism when my mother was my mother was younger growing up but when i was when they were taking care of me and stuff like they they never there was no alcohol house they never drank um but my mom really like just didn't take care of herself like she worried about me constantly she still does um she's constantly like she'll text me and be like oh my god like like what like what are you doing like you know it's like way past i'm like mom i'm 29 years old and i'm homeless like there's really not much you can say to me like you know like to be like like nicole what are you doing like how are you supporting yourself huh how do you support yourself um i when a female hesitates i kind of i know what the answer might be yeah men um definitely um are a big part of that like guys you know sleeping around with men i've definitely done my fair share of that um that's that's a quick and easy way to make good money yeah um just recently like and i've learned it's now for men as well as women i used to assume it was just women yeah i know that had that option but now i've learned that i was wrong men are they won't admit it as easily but but they're making money the same way yeah i believe yeah at all but a lot yeah i mean just recently like i had a couple i like i say clients but i'm like that's such a it's too fancy of a word but i was selling photos to them um just uh naked whatever they kind of wanted type thing um videos uh whatever they wanted like like i they'd give me money to go to the sex store and i would you know get you know things that they wanted me to do and i would film it and i would send it over and they would then get you know just give me the money venmo me like i think the most like recently i made was like 300 for a video like a six second video of doing like who likes like why wouldn't i do that you know like through only fans or just no it's just like i met a couple people and on instagram a few guys messaged me and we're just like like you know hey would you do this like and i i was so like down now at the time that i i was like well what if they don't send me the money and so i just did it anyways and like he sent the money right after and i got lucky because like a normal you know a lot of people would just probably be like oh god like wouldn't send the money over and got my video but he sent the money and like we stayed in touch and you know like it was just you know it just happened where i could started consistently setting this person's videos and um yeah and he had money and he just wanted to spend it on that i guess so um like recently he like just kind of uh recently he kind of cut that off and he said he's going through family stuff so now i'm just like okay now i gotta like go back to like doing like the the stuff that i don't want to do type of stuff like more like the sleeping with the men and the hooking up with them for the money that that video stuff kind of kept at least for me not to like have to be physical with guys which was like but you know starting only fans i was like thinking about it i was like maybe i should do that or you know and then i'm like why wouldn't people it's such easy money and then it's like i forget that some people like actually like have like they like those morals where like they don't want to you know show up their bodies and stuff like that and i was i started to feel bad about it because i'm like oh like there was a day when i would never consider doing something like that you know and now it's like i'm in my head i'm like why wouldn't people do that it's just so crazy how like things have changed for me because of like the addiction and stuff like that so what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned from all the all of this um just to like really like be like be yourself like don't don't be like afraid to be who you truly are because that's that's who that's what i feel like i wasn't doing like i was afraid to to show people the real side of me and i i would say just like live life like to just be who you want to be like that's that's what i've always wanted it's just like i want to find who you are and love that person and live that like live to your fullest like don't let like other people like don't spend your whole life trying to please others like because it's never gonna be like you're never gonna please it's never gonna be enough like you think that tendency came from the way your parents conditionally yeah yeah i really i truly believe that like don't worry about other people um you know be it just do what you love and like be who you are and if that's not enough to someone then they don't need to be a part of your life like don't sit there trying to please someone it's like to loving you or so um yeah i would say that would be like the most important thing is just like be who you are and rock it like if someone doesn't like you then that that's them like that's a big thing for me is like i'm constantly concerned if someone likes me or not you know did i bother do i piss them off like who [ __ ] cares like if they're your friend at the end of the day they're gonna be there for you so you know that's what that's what i would say would be mine that's a good one thanks nicole thank you so much for talking to me thank you so much for this amazing opportunity it was very interesting thank you i wish you the best thank you so so much yeah i you know it's so much more like with that i'd love to share with you like if you'd like like want me to yeah down the line you can do this again really fun yeah i do that sometimes yeah i would love that okay oh thank you thank you yeah you're so interesting thank you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

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Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu, fentanyl addict interview

Id: qfn8AdE3xKc

Length: 33min 38sec (2018 seconds)

Published: Sat May 01 2021