- [Interviewer] Alright, Tracy. Tracy. Oh, where'd you grow up? Where are you from originally? - [Tracy] Milton, Florida. - [Interviewer] And tell
me about your childhood. You had both of your
parents when you were a kid? - [Tracy] Not really. I mean, there were probably maybe three
or four years combined that I was with them. I was in foster homes and children's homes and lived with family
for most of my childhood. - [Interviewer] And then
how would you describe your childhood? - Lonely. Not all foster families are
what they're cracked up to be. Some of them are in it for the money, and they don't care about
the children that are there. There were a couple of them
where we were actually abused, used for maids to clean
and take care of the house and take care of the
kids and stuff like that. I didn't get to see my
mom very, very much. She stayed with my dad, and it was mainly me and
my brother and sister, so we became real close, the three of us, when we were little. And then some of the foster homes, they put my brother in one
and then kept me and my sister together and everything. So, and my grandparents, about my fifth grade, came and got custody of
me, my brother and sister. I'm the oldest. And we went and stayed with
them for about a year or two between our grandparents
and aunts and uncles. So it was really topsy turvy. You know, you don't know
where you're going to be. The, my family really showed us love and stuff and understanding because they knew everything
that we had been through and the places that we had been. - [Interviewer] At the foster homes? - In the foster homes. And with my dad and my mom's ex-boyfriend. And so they were real
loving and supportive and things like that. And then we got too old
for our grandparents to take care of, so we got put in a children's
home in Tallahassee where we stayed for about four
years, three or four years. And then my mom came back, and we stayed with her from my ninth grade
year until I graduated. And then I moved out. My ninth grade, my 12th
grade year, I moved out. - [Interviewer] So you mentioned
something that happened with your, your father and your step dad. - My father began molesting me when I had to have been four
because I remember my sister, who is four years younger
than me, being in the crib. And mom and dad, they would always argue and split up. And dad was always, you know, messing around with the babysitters. And he came up with a game for me too 'cause mom was always working. So he came up with a game
for me to clean the room. And so I would help him clean the room, and when it came time to
clean the, make the bed, and he would tell me that I
was his daddy's little girl and that he loved me. And one thing, it progressed over time from then until my second grade year. He molested, it had started
out with just having me, you know, do oral sex
with him and everything. And then once I got older, he raped me, and I screamed, and he
told me if he wanted the whole trailer part to know then he would have done it in the street. For me to shut up, and he hit me. I learned later that he was
molesting my brother and sister at the same time. 'Cause he had told me
that if I shut up and did what he told me to do, that he wouldn't mess
with my brother and sister and that I was special
and that he loved me. Like I said, as I grew up, I found out that he had been messing with my brother and sister as well. My mom left my dad for a little bit, and her boyfriend molested
me and beat my brother. He had hung my brother up on the back of the door where
the little clothes hook, had hung him up on it. And my brother tried to, in a dress, he dressed him up as a
little girl and hung him up, and my brother wound up falling
off the back of the door, breaking his legs. And then she wound up going back to my dad where he continued to molest me. And we were staying with my grandparents, and it was during summer vacation. And my mom, we had moved
from Milton, Florida, my mom and dad and everybody, had moved from Milton, Florida to Texas where his family was. And we were down in Milton
visiting my grandparents for the summer, and my brother wound up telling
my aunt what had happened. And she had me tested and everything and told me not to worry about everything was going to be okay. And my grandparents took us
back to my mom and dad anyway. And when they left, DCF had come by and left
a card and everything. And my dad was irate, and he went down the hallway
hollering about who had lied. And my brother stood up for me and said that he had said it, so my dad beat him pretty bad. My brother stood in the
paint for me that day. And- Sorry. - [Interviewer] It's okay. - We went to the DCF office, and we had to explain what happened with little bears and dolls and stuff about what happened. And I remember sitting
in a room with my mom under a table and could hear
my dad across the hallway screaming and crying and
saying he never did that. And my mom looking at me and telling me, look
what you did to your dad. You need to tell them the truth. Stop lying. And they came out and said that they would take us, you know, into the waiting
room and everything for us not to leave. And my mom and dad decided that we were going to leave anyway. And so we left and went
and hid at my dad's mom's, and they came and found us and took us and put us in foster homes, which we did from, like I said, second grade up until fifth grade. And then in some of the foster homes, one of my foster parents molested me. One of the foster
brothers I had a crush on, and I learned that if I had
sex or did what they wanted, then I got what I wanted. So it was nothing for me
to sleep with an uncle or a foster brother. When I say uncle, I mean a foster uncle, or a foster dad to be
able to get what I wanted. And they, when I grew, my, we went home to my grandpa's house. And once we got to the children's home, I slept around a lot. It was, you know, if you love me, then
this is what you'll do. And you know, all I could
hear was my daddy saying, you're daddy's little girl. You know, you love me. And I love you. And this is what you do
when you love somebody. So that's what I did. I had sex all the time. When I was 12, I was in the children's home, and I was sleeping
around with a 16 year old and got pregnant. And they did an abortion because I was so young. I went to live with my mom,
me and my brother and sister, when I was in the ninth grade. And my stepdad came up to me one day and had, I was sitting
on the edge of the bed because, it was very strange. You have to understand that I was raised that you do
whatever it takes to make the man of the house happy. And so I would rub my stepdad's feet and would cook and
would go with him places and with dance with him and everything and rub his back if he
needed his back rubbed. And one day I was sitting
on the edge of the bed, and he put his arm around
me and touched my breast and asked me what I thought about if, what I thought my mom would think if I had a baby with him because it would still be her bloodline, and he wanted a baby. So I left and that was this, my
senior year of high school. I left and went to live with
a lady across the street. She was an older lady. And when I graduated, I
went to live with my cousin and went to college for a
little while and got pregnant. Had messed around with this
guy named, well, this guy, and, Dustin's father, my son's father. And I got pregnant,
and I broke up with him because he was drinking and doing drugs, and I didn't want to be a part of it. So I went home to my family's house, and I had been seeing this guy who was 11 years older than me. And he said that he
would take me and my baby and would love us as their, as his own. So I wound up marrying
my son's actual father and then left him about a month later after he got me thrown out of my house. And threw a rod in by motor
and tried to run me over while I was pregnant. So I left him and wound up back at my mom's house. She had left my step-dad. And Dustin's dad, the one that is his dad, not his blood dad, but his real, his dad, he's got his name. He adopted him and
everything, such a good man, and I still wanted to drink and was cheating all the time. And it was like sex wasn't, sex didn't
mean anything anymore. It was just, I had to
have it all the time. And I've been on medications
for depression and PTSD for long time, since I was little, and I had stopped taking
my meds and was drinking. And I left my husband and took my son with me. And he was eight years old at the time, and he wasn't happy, and I wanted him to be happy. And I loved him. And I was talking to this guy
on the webcam in California, and he said that him and his
family had an arrangement to where that if you ask the person if they wanted to have
sex, then it was okay, especially if you loved them and you were just showing them your love. I don't make excuses for what I did, and, 'cause what I did was wrong. I know that now, and part of me knew that then, but I just wanted my son to love me. So I asked my son if he
would have sex with me. He was eight years old. So the guy, he, my dad had
to come back in the picture, and I was an adult, and I was sleeping with
my father as an adult. He came by the house one
night and it scared me, so I told the guy I was talking
to on the webcam about it. And he said that if I had sex with my son and he could watch, that he would bring us to California and take us away from everything, and I wouldn't have to
be around my dad anymore. So I asked my son, and we had sex in front of the webcam for the guy to watch. And he was telling us what to do. He was so young, and I took the most
precious thing in the world away from him. And every day, I wish I could take it back
and give it back to him. We go, he's, I went to prison. They never found the guy in California. We had ran after everything happened. We stopped and we never talked about it. And we ran to Wichita, Kansas, to some other people I had been
talking to on the computer, and it was a brother and sister. And we went there and I
got a job as an escort to make money. It was during Christmas time. And I had put my son in school and was working, and I came home one day for Christmas and got into a big fight with the people we were staying with and wound up having to go
to one of my John's house. And he watched my son because I knew that I was getting arrested because I punched the guy in, in, Wichita they have a rule that, or a law that, if there's domestic violence, there has to be an adult witness. And I didn't have an adult witness showing that he had hit me, but he had one, his sister,
showing that I had hit him. And he was mentally handicapped, so they arrested me and put me on probation. And I went to Texas to go stay
with my sister for awhile. And I couldn't take
care of Dustin anymore. Every time I looked at him,
all I could see was what I did. So I sent him to his dad's house, and his dad took care of him and has takes care of him ever since. My son has done the same crime that I did. I don't know if it was a
little boy or a little girl, but when he was 13, he molested a child. And then when he was older, he robbed a place. Right now, he's married. He's got a great life. He's 27 now. Every now and then we talk. He, he says that, you know,
that he's forgiven me for what I did, but it's hard to forget. And it's the same way with my father. I talk to him every now and then, but it's still, he
won't admit what he did. He said it was all fabrications
from my aunts and everybody and that they had told me lies, but I know that it was the truth. I just, I wish that
somebody would have told me when I was young that I didn't have to have sex with people just to make them happy
or to make them love me. And that that wasn't what true love was, and that my dad was sick for what he did, and that I was sick for what I did. My son's breaking the cycle. I just want, you know, people to know that they don't have to follow. They don't have to go, they don't have to do and feel that way. I have a, I still have nightmares and flashbacks of my father molesting me, sometimes to the point to
where I crawl under tables and hide or that's where I'm found. I'm doing better. I'm married. I'm on medication now. And me and my husband
co-own a surveying company. So that's basically my story. - [Interviewer] What emotions
do you struggle with the most? - Hatred on me because I still see myself as a monster. I don't see myself as, as
any of my friends see me. I still see myself as
what my dad did to me. Hatred and sadness that I lost 20 years, 20 very special years with my son for something that happened
for 10 minutes of my life, but destroyed his forever. So I can't, I can't. And I know my son says he's forgiven me and that he loves me, but I can't forgive myself for that. No matter how much, how much good there is
or how much, you know, kindness there is or how much or whatever, to me, I'm always going
to be that monster. And it doesn't matter what anybody says. They've tried, but hatred and sadness. It's hard to cry now because
I'm on so much medication, but I can still, I don't even have to close my eyes, and I can still see my son trusting me. And I destroyed all of that. I don't see how that can just go away. - [Interviewer] You've been on both ends. You've been both the
victim and the predator. What, what, what's your view on the, the chain of destruction that follows after something like happens to a child? - Is devastating. It changes your whole life. Like I said, if one, if
one person would have said and took the time to listen and not just placate everything and say, Oh, well, here's some
medicine and you know, everything's gonna be okay, and we won't talk about it, but actually listen, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. But I can't, you know, it's
that whole coulda, shoulda, woulda, maybe, you know,
hindsight's 20 20 thing. But not everybody molests,
someone that's been molested. Like my brother and sister,
they haven't, you know? They live healthy lives and, but it's, it's a disaster. It's, it's destructive, it's- And unless someone stops it and says, and, and listens to the victim
and actually listens to them and not just, you know, okay, well, everything's going to be fine. Here take this and don't
talk about it anymore. It sure isn't healthy. I do believe most of the
people when I was in prison, most of the girls that were
in there for a sex offense, were molested when they were little. I would say nine out of 10. - [Interviewer] You did prison time for what happened with your son? - I did nine years in prison. - [Interviewer] How did,
how did that come out that you got caught? - My son was at the YMCA, and him and some boys were talking, and somehow sex came up, and he said that he had had sex, and the boys were ragging him
and said, no, that he hadn't. And he said he had had sex with his mom. And they went to the
counselors with the YMCA, and the YMCA called DCF there in Texas. And then I seen him through the glass wall, and they let me see him, you know, with supervision and everything. And I told him the one thing
that I always wanted to hear from my father. And I told him that I was proud of him for telling the truth. My daddy never, ever said he was sorry. And I wasn't sorry because I got caught, I was sorry because I had hurt him so bad. And he was so confused because he thought that
everything was fine. He felt just like I did when I was little. And I had to hear that
out of my son's mouth. Thank you. He didn't think anything was wrong. He didn't think he had
done anything wrong. And I had to tell him, and I remember we were sitting on a swing and it was the last time I seen him, and I told him that I was sorry and that I was proud of
him for telling the truth. He had just turned nine. There's nothing more devastating
than looking at your son and seeing confusion and love and hurt all at the same time. You're not supposed to see that. You're not supposed to
do that to your child. You're supposed to love
and nurture your child and make them feel safe, not destroy their life. And that's what I did. - [Interviewer] How much
prison time did you do? - A little over nine years and 15 years probation. I've been out, the 10th of
December I'll be out eight years. - [Interviewer] That time
with your son, was it, were there, was there
alcohol or drugs involved? - Alcohol. - [Interviewer] And do
you have problems with, with drugs or alcohol? - Yeah. - [Interviewer] You do. - I just when, the drugs I did were pot and occasional where they put the coke inside the joint. - [Interviewer] Primo? - Yeah. And, but I was an alcoholic. I had alcohol everywhere. So many times between that and the pills, it was like, I couldn't,
I couldn't drink enough to make everything go away. I couldn't take enough
pills to make it go away. I couldn't get high
enough to make it go away. - [Interviewer] This
was after the incident with your son or from, from
the incident with your dad? - Both. - [Interviewer] Both, yeah. - The, the nightmares
now kind of bleed over. It's like it starts with
my father and ends with me. So it's hard to, to differentiate those two because I see myself as, as him. - [Interviewer] How bad do the feelings of guilt and shame get for you sometimes? - I, after the incident with my son, I had tried to kill myself. I, I didn't know how to do it. I took pills and drank alcohol, wound up my friends found me passed out, and the doctor said that
if I hadn't passed out that I would have went
into cardiac arrest. I had stopped eating and was taking pills. And my magnesium and
potassium levels were so low, If I hadn't passed out, I would have went into cardiac arrest, which at the time is what I wanted. I have stepped out in
front of a moving vehicle, trying to kill myself. Took a, had a knife and was
fixing to slice my wrist, and my mom walked in on me. When I was in prison, they kept me, well, when
I was in County jail before they sent me to prison because I was looking at natural life, and they kept me in like suicide watch. I never did anything. I was too chicken. I wanted to. I would just seclude myself in a room and wouldn't talk to nobody
or wouldn't see anybody. There are days when I
wish I wouldn't wake up. There are fewer and far between
now than they used to be. I go to counseling and talk to a doctor, which has really helped. And I take my PTSD medicine and my depression, bipolar medicine. So it kind of keeps me in a even keel. I drink every now and then, but I know that I can't, I can't get drunk. Does that make sense? Like, I could have a glass
of red wine with dinner, but I know that that's all I can have is that glass of red wine. - [Interviewer] And you stop there? - And I have to stop there. And I, I have a good support system now with my husband and my mom. And they helped me with that. It doesn't go away. It doesn't matter. It just gets worse. It just gets worse. - [Interviewer] Alright,
Tracy, thank you so much for sharing your story. - I just hope that it
helps somebody somewhere. Maybe. - [Interviewer] I'm sure it will. Thank you. - Thank you.
I watch this guy's videos almost everyday. He has several RSO videos, they're all extremely interesting. All of his videos are. I've watched almost all of them. I recommend them to anybody who wants something they wouldn't find elsewhere. I've even directed a couple of real life friends to his channel.
Watching this is a good reminder, if you are or were abused, SAY something if you can, don't be afraid. If you feel you're going to abuse or do something, get help before it turns into actual abuse. I wish I had a machete for everyone who abused her. :(
She put her son on blast for molesting another child at the age of 13 but failed to mentioned the fact that shes married to a convicted predator herself. Poor Tracy eye roll*
Tracy and Donovan Ash
I may sound cruel but I feel that she is lying about a lot of things. Idk... I’m not master interpreter but her story just doesn’t sound genuine. Then I read what her crime was then I’m like hmmm...🤔🤔🤔