- Alright, Matthew. - Yeah.
- Matthew, where'd you grow up? Where are you from? - I'm from Hayward,
California is where I grew up for the first 12 years of my life. And then, my parents moved us
to Castro Valley, California because we were in somewhat of the ghetto and wanted to go to a better neighborhood. And so, yeah, I mean, growing up in the ghetto I guess as the white boy, there were, you know, it
wasn't anything too bad. I mean, I guess like once I got a knife pulled on me on a corner when I was like nine years old. I think I saw, I well, I
know I did, I don't think, I saw a condom full of
jizz hanging from a tree when I was like 10 and that was like probably the first time I saw anything like that. But, you know, it was just
like there's gangs and stuff like a, a friend of my cousin got shot like couple blocks down. And so, around that time, a couple of years later is
when we moved to Castro Valley and that was somewhat
better, but when I got there, it was more like. I came from where I came from and then I entered a more whitewashed area and then it was like, instead
of being the white boy, I was the, the white boy that didn't fit in because I didn't have the money like, or the new items like everybody had, or clothes or, you know,
electronics or whatever. And so, I remember just being a
teenager and getting older I liked playing basketball, but I was never good
enough to be on the team. And it just kind of an
outcast trying to find myself and in high school, as a teenager, I got more into music and stuff and I got into metal
and punk and everything and I guess one year I remember. It was summer school, I remember there was a kid named Ben that he wore like Converse,
you know high top Chuck Taylors and he listened to Blink 182 and I liked Blink 182, which I'm not by any means
saying that they're punk, but, you know, when you're 15 years old that's a, so, yeah I was
listening to stuff like that. And I started getting more into that and I started wearing
Chuck Taylors and stuff and I remember the next year Ben's like, "Oh, you're a poser". And, you know, all of a sudden it's like you're finding yourself and trying to be an individual
and you're a poser so. Yeah so, high school, it was cool and I mean, it was, there
were some, you know fights with, you know, kids that
wanted to pick fights and stuff. It was-
- [Mark] It sounds like a pretty normal childhood. - It was, it was, I mean, I have some stories
- Except for the, except for the being an
outcast everywhere you went. - Yeah, alright. No, but I I definitely have some stories. When I was about 11 years old there was a fall festival in Castro Valley and this is when we
still lived in Hayward, but my parents wanted to go and just kind of like your wine and arts and crafts festival. So we go there and I'm being you know, oh I want to go home, I'm bored, I'm bored and my parents are having a good time. They're drinking, they're drinking wine they're having a good time. And we're watching, you
know, some cover bands some dad cover band and they, they're getting progressively
drunker and, you know, not to the point where
they're sloppy or crazy but they're just having a good time. And as a child, as a,
almost a teenager, you know I'm getting embarrassed, which
who gives a shit, you know like who cares what they're
doing and what I'm doing like, but as an 11 year old being in that, I, I have the sense that
everybody's watching us and that all these people like I'm going to see any of them for the rest of my life, you know, at this age,
I wouldn't give a shit, like I've gone to shows
and danced my ass off. You know, I've been on acid, I've been on mushrooms like that shows like I don't care, but anyway, so I knock the wine glass out
of my dad's hand, I slap it. This little brat, this stupid little jerk. (laughs) And that was it, my dad instantly went from partying, happy, which
they didn't drink a lot. They, you know, didn't have
any problems like that. My dad does have anger issues, never beat me or anything. You know, I got spanked as a kid and he definitely did a lot
of yelling, but, you know we can go in more into that later. But in this situation, it was instant change,
the look on his face. He was, I, I knew I, I fucked up big time and my mom, it was like a
scared look on her face. He said that he's like
get in the car, let's go. And we got in the car and
he drove home probably and I'm talking down residential streets. This dude was, I mean, I
have a very vivid memory and to have this memory as an 11 year old and remember looking at the,
you know, miles per hour it was 50 or 60 miles per hour down residentials the whole way and I was scared out of my,
eh, whatever I was scared. And so we got home, he's just
screaming at me, you know like I'm, I fucked up, and I did. I totally understand. I mean, I don't know if I, I mean I would hope that if I had
a child and I was drinking I would have the capacity not to, you know do something like that, but who knows. Um, so he's yelling and screaming. At that point my mom, she's there drunk and so she passes out on the bed. Well, then my dad starts yelling at her because she's passed out drunk in front of her son, and that's not what you're supposed to do and all this stuff and I'm freaking out like, I'm scared and so
I run in the bathroom. I remember he like slammed the door open and put like a hole in the wall. And at that point, I, I was so scared that I ran out of the house. I ran to the neighbors
and I said, call the cops my dad's drunk, he's freaking out. (heavy sigh) They called the cops. And my parents had to go to
Santa Rita Jail for the weekend. Both of them, because you know
how cops are sometimes they, it's not very rational it's, and plus when you have
two really drunk people they don't really trust
them or believe them and so, yeah, and I felt really bad. And so- - A little drama in your childhood. - A little bit and I mean, I have always I've never been good enough for my dad. It's always there's, I, I just, I can't do it. I there's things in life that like I worked at a print
shop and there was like he wanted me to install like lighting and all these things and I'm like, well, I've never used a electric drill or whatever
the hell it's called. I've never used one of these before and he's like minds blown
that I'm like, I'm 35 now that I was like this 33 year old man that didn't have these skills which, I mean, whatever people learn their own skills and, but you know, the stereotype. And he was Mr. Manly Man. He was a stripper in his
twenties, like big buff dude and that's whole, that's
a whole nother thing, but so yeah I didn't learn certain things and because my dad would
always say like, I'll do it like you, I, I don't want
you to screw it up basically. He wouldn't say that, you
know to my face, but yeah. So there were different things like that. I would get in trouble at school, but nothing, you know,
it was stupid shit like one time, like I pretended to stab the kid with a pencil and that, you know I like went like that
and that turned into, oh he was gonna stab
me and I got suspended or, you know telling that I told the teacher one
time you're not my mom. I don't have to listen
to you, shit like that. Like, I wasn't, you know, going and bringing a gun to school or graffitiing all over the walls or smoking pot in the bathroom, you know. - So how far do you go in school? - I, I did a little bit of college. I only did one semester of college. - And you, you've had jobs? Do you have a job now? - Mhm, Yep. Yeah. I've done, I've done a lot. I did, I was like, okay, in high school, like 3.0 or whatever grade point average. In college I was trying to major in mass communications
because I knew people at a local radio station
that had referred me to this school and to this teacher, I, I guess I'm kind of
one of those people that I have underperformed or had ruined my potential. - So, so you're working currently? You have a straight job? - I do, I do a gig
through an app, right now. I was working at a restaurant in December and then they closed down indoor dining. Which was fine because
we had outdoor dining but then they closed that down. And then it was like, I
was doing double the work because of delivery, you know, packing bags and all that shit. And then getting paid, like, I mean not half, but half in tips because people don't tip
the restaurant for delivery. They tip the driver. And so, not that that's
wrong, I don't really care. I, I didn't, you know it wasn't like, oh damn
it the economy's fucked I'm gonna take a stand or something like. Okay time to move on to something else. And so I found this app through Craigslist that does gigs and you just pick a
shift and you pick time and how much you get paid and you sign up. And so I started working
at this warehouse and it's sup- it's pretty easy. Over time I've took on more responsibility and they've made me like
shift lead and stuff. And it's, it's, it's alright. It's not- - But you, you, you'd consider
yourself a good employee? - Oh (laughs) yeah, man. It's frustrating because
like most of these people 90% of these people could give a shit but that's what is the
problem with these gig apps. I mean, there's multiple problems, but that you're hiring people
that don't care at all. They have no, they could give a shit if they work hard or not. And these people that are managing it, they don't care either. As long as the job's getting done, they don't care how it gets done so in terms of recognition only, I mean I have a few close people I talk to and we all
know that we're great. And I mean, I guess that sounds conceited, but we, I mean it's just the fact. And so we talk and hang out
and we compliment each other but there is only one person that has come up to me
and said out of their way, you know, like anything and it wasn't a manager, it was a guy that does boxes in the back that I am 99% sure is doing blow in the bathroom every day. This dude flushes the
toilet every 10 seconds and then is farting his ass off, like, I've done coke, like I know the deal bro like, you don't need to flush the toilet like I can, I can hear you snorting it and I'm not going to tell on you. Like, but yeah, he, he he said that and that
made me feel really good. And I was like, I was like, wow that's amazing that that person
like, thought to say that. And he's actually really intelligent guy I've heard him talking he's, he's from the streets in Oakland. And he's a tough dude or so he seems he puts on the front, but
yeah, I like him, he's cool. - So, so, so your, your drug. - Oh yeah. - Tell me about that, you use what? - So, I use heroin, I smoke heroin. - And how long has this been going on? - So I started with oxycodone, roxies, blues, thirties, in 2012, a little bit. I was dabbling with that a little bit and tar, black tar heroin. I was working, doing vending machines. I had that job for seven years. - You were smoking? - Mhm, Always, always I, after doing coke for a couple of years, I was sick of putting stuff up my nose and I'm afraid of needles. And I see, I've seen
what happens with that which not saying that, oh me smoking heroin is so much
better than injecting it but it just seems, you know but then again, I mean,
I smoke cigarettes. I smoked that, I was smoking a ton of weed which I barely smoke anymore, but I mean it definitely affects my
breathing and affects my lungs. And that's something I'm worried about and that I would like to quit eventually. I mean, I actually was
on methadone recently but my work schedule made it to where I couldn't get
to the clinic anymore. Because for the first
three months you have to go to the clinic every day. That's part of the process and I was doing fine. Methadone's a little odd,
it's kind of, I don't know. I mean obviously like if I could choose and if heroin was legal and didn't give me
breathing problems to smoke I would choose heroin
any day over methadone but because methadone is socially accepted in the world and you're not smoking it and ruining your lungs it's obviously the better choice and it's cheaper. It's easier on the pocket book. And so, sorry, back to the, the roxies. This is, it was actually 2013, it was shortly after I
quit the music thing. The Vincent Gallo show, I quit after that, I was done. I was like, I'm the guy
putting up all the money, all the time, all the effort. Everybody's saying, great
job, man, keep it up. But they're not the ones doing all that. So I said, fuck it I'm not
doing this shit anymore. And shortly after that I had a best friend named Tiffany that would come pick me up after work, we would drink, we'd do coke, we'd hang out all the time. And one day she comes to pick me up and Hey, blah, blah,
blah I'm dating this guy. And he showed me these pills
and Oxycontin basically this is back when the eighties, the OC eighties were still around. And for all the people out there that know the ones you have to lick the coating off and then, you know, (coughs) excuse me. So she showed up and, and I, at that point in my life was I was 27 and I was just
like sick of everything. And it was like, might as
well join the 27 club, right? Which if you don't know,
Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, all those people
that died of like, you know drug related deaths. Anyway, I didn't really want to die but I was just giving up. And so I was like, fuck it I don't care. Sure, let's do it. And that was the biggest
mistake of my life. Cause I fucking loved it and everybody says, don't
do opiates, don't do heroin. It's you're never going
to come back from it and of course I didn't listen. I have to try everything on my own. And I mean, you know my life isn't like Requiem for a Dream now like I'm not going and doing
ass to ass for money, you know? But I, yeah, I just, I loved it and it, it, people say, some people say I saw other people just get the nods and are kind of like
(moans groggily) you know but it makes me like fucking boom, I'm me, I'm myself, I'm happy,
I'm free, I'm energetic. Like it's crazy. It became, it became
what I wanted it to be and it became what I needed it to be. And that's crazy because it's like, it's like it took my it, it's a fucking crazy drug. It's like, it took my brain over and it just said like,
this is what you needed. And like, this is the way it should be. And so they're like, there have been multiple times that I've tried to quit on my own. There has been periods of three months where I've been able to quit. When I moved to Arkansas, I was able to quit for three months especially I thought, well
shit, I'm going to Arkansas. I'm not going to know anybody out there. So there's no way I'm gonna,
you know, know about it. - [Mark] So, (tires squeal in the background) your, your drug use has continued. You're you're, you're still
- [Matthew] Yeah. - [Mark] you're still using heroin today? - [Matthew] Right, because yeah I couldn't make the
methadone treatments anymore and so I, I didn't want to get sick and experience the withdrawals. I've I tried to quit cold
turkey back in September a few months ago, but I
got to day two or three, day two the first time and I broke down and said fuck it add
some straws with resin, you know shake those up with some alcohol and put that on the foil
and you got, your good. - [Mark] But does, does
it affect your work? - [Matthew] No, no, nobody has any idea. Nobody, nobody (laughs) I'm, it makes me better at work. - [Mark] It almost sounds, it
makes you like it makes you better.
- [Matthew] Makes me better! - [Mark] I've heard
people tell me this about crack cocaine that these
are A, ADHD people. - [Matthew] Right, like maybe I have that. People have said that
too and I don't know. - [Mark] Yeah. - [Matthew] Never been diagnosed. - [Mark] I had people tell me
that crack does the opposite what it does to most people. - [Matthew] Hmm it just
makes them like fine? Or it makes them slow? - [Mark] It slows them
down, calms them down. - [Matthew] Oh, Calms them down because they're usually they can't focus. Huh? Yeah. - [Mark] I think these drugs
affect everyone different. - [Matthew] Right, right, yeah. No, I mean, it, it, unless
I start getting crazy and doing too much, then it
can, it can kind of do it. - [Mark] Has that happened? - [Matthew] Yeah, because there was a time where I was just like depressed and like didn't care and everything. And so I was just like, fuck
it and spending all my money but now I've learned
that, that's not worth it because then I get in too deep and that the money is gonna run out and so I just pace myself
and try not to do too much. And you know, it sucks when
I'm home alone sometimes. And I'm just bored because
then I'll just like take hits because I'm bored.
- But, but, you, you would consider yourself an addict? - Yeah, oh yeah, every
day I do heroin every day, all day, every day. (laughs) - You wake up and? - I wake up and smoke, cause I, I hop out of bed, it's like, I feel like I'm going to some huge event like the fricking outside lands
festival's happening today and I get to meet all the bands
just because I get to smoke. Be like, it's crazy like. (laughs) - But you find it, it
prepares you for your day. It makes you, you sharp?
- Makes me happy. It makes me, I'm energetic,
because I get out of bed I'm like, (moans groggily) damn I need to. And you know what? You
know what this sucks. And this is making me very worried. Besides the breathing thing is, recently I've been waking
up and my hand is like numb. And like, I also, it might be carpal tunnel because
of what I'm doing at work. So I'm trying to do exercises, but I mean shit I don't know if it's just has to do with the drugs, you know, that's, that's scares me so. And then I'm like fuck
I can't use a lighter. (laughing) You know what I mean? So, that really sucks. But yeah, I, yeah. - Have you, have you met other people that are functional addicts like this? - Kind of, but not like, I mean the people that
I, there were like people especially like when I was doing Oxy, that was more of a, so with Oxy sometimes
because Oxy was expensive it was get like 30, $35 a pill sometimes and heroin's way cheaper and
that's why I started doing it. Because it gets you
higher and it's cheaper. And so, Oxy, I would post, this is back Craigslist made it to where you can't post certain keywords now. But back in the day you used to be able to post
Roxy blue jeans, size 30. And then that's how, you know I would find dealers sometimes actually. And I mean, walking around the tenderloin like walking pill hill, I mean I used to have to do it
sometimes and it sucked. I mean, one time a guy
tried to uppercut me. It was fucked up, just because I wouldn't buy his pills his shitty fucking fake
pills, like, sorry, dude. Luckily you missed, I mean I don't know what would've happened, but I'm not that I'm some tough guy. I'm not trying to sound like, (tough guy voice) I would of beat his ass. You know, I'm not like that, but I mean I might've tried to, but anyway, I would meet people on Craigslist because I would, I started to realize and other people would
do this, I picked it up. Like, if you sell the
pills to somebody else and mark them up, or a
common thing, I would say, if I knew they weren't
going to buy that many is I'd say alright, just throw me a pill or throw me a half, like, that's when you were really desperate, you'd say throw me a half a pill. And then they would, and you know. One time I did that, this girl we were smoking in a bathroom and she fucking got on the floor and started smoothing
the foil out on the floor of a dirty Jack in the Box bathroom and I was like, I'm on the wall doing it, you know, the wall is smooth too and I was like, what are you doing? And she was a little whoop! You know, and I, she's like what? (mumbles) fucking you
know, smoothing it out. It was like, do it on the
wall, bathroom floors dirty. And she's, she didn't
care, so yeah, whatever. So I'd meet, I'd meet functional addicts, somewhat, somewhat. They were definitely eccentric. They definitely had their things
and they weren't reliable. - It sounds like you're you're a case where maybe your psychological makeup is? - But nobody's going to listen to that. You, you will, because you
understand, because you've talked to so many people and you
pay attention and you care. There are people out
there that have no concept of this and don't want to hear it. Cause that's the way the world is. - Yeah, well, I'm open-minded but - Yeah.
- I mean, I've never smoked pot, so I don't, I don't
know anything about drugs. The fact that I'm doing this channel, - Nice.
- but seems to revolve about drugs.
- Good for you. - It really doesn't in my
mind, but it certainly has lots of drug stories. I don't even know how to spell marijuana. (Mark laughs) So, so, so, but I'm just open minded. (Matthew laughs) I find it interesting that it helps you. - Yeah.
- I believe - I find it interesting that you never even smoked marijuana. I mean, not that I'm
saying like, Oh, you should or you should have, but
yeah, they need a channel you know- - I'm not better than anybody else, right? - No, yeah right, Neither am I. - I've got my own problems. - I'm not saying, I'm not saying I'm better than any other addict, you know like, we all have our own things and we're all, we're all unique. We're, I mean, everybody it's makes the world, the world and sometimes it's the beauty of the world that's the fucked up things. - I think finding something that helps you find fulfillment and
happiness is important. And if that happens to be heroin and you're and you've
got it under control, maybe, maybe it's okay. I don't know. - I do but then it's the
money thing, you know it's- - How much do you spend? - It's a lot of money, I mean- - What do you spend a week or? - A month probably $1,500, so
I could have a nice apartment. - $1500 a month? - 1500 yeah. Because they, I imagine I probably do - And it's illegal
- 500, 500 a day. (buzzer noise) Nope, 50 a day. - It's illegal so technically you could
end up in jail, right? - Right, yup, yup. So, yeah, that sucks. - But talking to you, looking at you you don't look like the
typical heroin addict. - And that's why I'm still probably here and functioning and not
on the streets, you know, because if, if it started
to affect me, I mean. I don't know if I started smoking crack, I probably would, I know a buddy- - I can't count how many heroin addicts I've talked to that just nodded off in the middle of an interview. - Right, they probably also shoot up, well I guess people now, I've known people at nod off
that smoke it, nevermind. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's, it's never happened, except one time, the worst story is I was drunk and I went to my dealers RV a guy that was living in an RV and I, he, he had terrible shit. It wasn't doing anything for me. And I was pissed. And because I'd have to travel like an hour and a half to this guy and I was at that point,
this stupid, very stupid. I said, you got to have something, right? He goes, yeah, I have fentanyl. And me knowing exactly what that is and what could happen and everything, was drunk and said, fuck it, I don't care. Wind me up some or whatever. I don't know how long later, I wake up and I'm like,
where the fuck am I? What, what happened, you know? And everybody is around me,
scared out of their mind. And I fucking OD'd man. I fucking OD'd for the first time ever. And that, that really,
that really upset me because I didn't ever think
I'd get to that point. But (sniffs) yeah, they had to hit me with Narcan like five times they said, and like every, they
said I was turning gray. And like, like my, like only only my girlfriend knows about this. Like, nobody else knows about, I mean probably just the
people that were there, but phew, man I really tried
to quit after that, man. I got through like a week. (laughs) And I was happy, but I was happy that I quit. I was fucking bored out
of my mind, you know? But yeah, that was, fentanyl is no good. Don't do it, everybody
out there don't do it. - Yeah, no fentanyl's
a very different game than, than heroin. - It's a fucking crazy game to play man. That's a, yeah. - That's a very common move
for a heroin addict too. - Yeah, I do not want to do that at all. And I know, and I know there is some fentanyl in the black tar heroin. - That's what I'm gonna say is that very often they're lacing
it and they're mixing it. - Luckily I have, you know- - Even, even crystal meth or
crack, they'll do that with. - Yeah, luckily I have a reliable- - I mean, they can do that to anything. I think some of the girls that work as, that have pimps, will smoke a joint and the joint might be laced with you know, crack or meth or
heroin or fentanyl or whatever. And then they're addicted and then they're, they're basically
a slave to the pimp. - Yeah, I knew, I heard a story about a guy once that smoked
a joint with some random dude. He was lost in the middle of the night in the snow in Chicago,
couldn't find his car. And some dude says,
bro, I've seen you walk by a few times, come in,
you know, you can stay. And he seemed like a cool guy. He's like, you want to smoke a joint? The guy's like, oh yeah, I do. I smoke weed, let's smoke. Fucking smokes it, it was laced with meth. Dude starts jerking off in front of him and fucking holds him captive overnight. Wow! I'm lucky, you know- - You see the world you're involved in by using this, this illicit narcotic is - Yeah
- Problematic. - Yeah, you know, totally. And I, like I was saying I have a reliable dealer that I trust, but that doesn't mean anything, you know, he could get something
that he doesn't know about you know, but I mean, at this point I'm really just trying to make it through
until I get the next job which should happen in a couple weeks. And then I get a set
schedule and I can get back to the methadone clinic
because I know, you know I'm a smart-
- Can you say your say your, your mind
works better on heroin? - Mhm. - Could you ever get clean and, and still enjoy life to its fullest? - I mean, I did before, - You did.
- you know, it's not like, it's not like before, - It's probably a safer way to go. - before I started, I
wasn't enjoying life. I was just depressed in that moment and I made a bad decision. - Yeah.
- You know? - So it sounds like getting
clean would be the best move. - Oh, totally, yeah. And I, I want to, I, I and I didn't even want to do methadone because I said I don't want to replace an addiction with an addiction. And my buddy's on methadone and he tried to stop one day and he said it was way worse than heroin. So I know there's maintenance plans where they can wean you
off slowly but surely and I'm hoping that's what's gonna work. If not, I, I've said this
to people I'm close to and my girlfriend, like. I think I just need to be
locked up somewhere, you know like for 30 days,
because I am resourceful, I'm it sucks. I don't like lying and I, I know that probably
sounds like bullshit, I really don't. But as an addict with
the world the way it is and people, you know, would
look at me a certain way. I have to lie because I, I need to get by and just, yeah. I was living with my
girlfriend's mom and her for a couple of weeks. And her mom had me pegged
from probably day two. She told her, he's on drugs. And I was with my girlfriend
for almost a year. - How could she tell? - She's smart, she, her
ex-husband was an addict. She knew she's, she and
also is making, you know longer trips to the bathroom
quite often, you know? And I'd always like play YouTube videos. I watch Soft White Underbelly, you know in the bathroom while- (laughs) - Everybody, everybody
that watches that channel- - They're like what are
you doing in there?! I'm watching the hillbillies shut up! - They're all a bunch of drug
addicts watching that channel. - Yeah, so, yup. - Cool, Well story's amazing. - That's it right? - I wish you the best of luck and, - Thank you, man. - I like your open-minded
attitude about getting clean - Yeah, thanks for the opportunity. - about getting clean, not
about using heroin, right? - Right, yeah, no. - I, I don't condone
the heroin, use at all. - Yeah, no right, no, I'm not. I don't think so. - Yeah, also I'm glad you're doing well. - Thank you. Yeah. - I wish you the best of luck, man. - Right on. - Thank you man.
- Thanks Mark. I appreciate it.
What is the life expectancy of an active user of Heroin?
What are the odds of him dying in 2, or 5 years if he keeps it up?
What a great channel. Thanks
Soft White Underbelly produces really great content. Some of it is weirdly inspiring like Michael Franzese's story While some of it will rip your heart out and stomp on it. Amanda's story from the beginning to her extreme downward spiral and road back to stability is heart wrenching - especially when you realize all of this happened in the span of one year. UGH.
Funny, I just heard about this Columbia professor who publicly admits to doing heroin to help with his work life balance. Please disregard the shitty domain: https://nypost.com/2021/02/19/columbia-prof-i-snort-heroin-regularly-for-work-life-balance/
He goes off tangents a bit.