Fentanyl and Heroin Addict interview-Miranda

you're only 20 years old and you've had so much bad luck and tragedy in your life constant how do you explain that you've had so much [ __ ] look making stupid decisions being in the wrong place at the wrong time uh it's bad luck i guess i asked that same question every day you know why me what have i done to deserve it all right miranda hello miranda where'd you grow up where you from originally i was born in colorado um lived there about a year after that my mom and dad and i moved to arizona and at four and a half my mother left my father took me which was shortly after i was raped by one of my father's druggie friends at four years old yeah four and a half um my mom moved me to kingman from lake havasu and we lived in a section eight duplex i can remember at six was the earliest i can remember having to fill out my mom's paperwork for her doctor's appointments and helping her with her college paperwork and her tests and stuff at nine um we stayed in that duplex the entire time i lived there till i was about 13. uh at which point i had gone to juvie actually for taking the fall for one of my homies quote unquote um basically just a person i did meth with and i took the fall for him and went to jail the juve jail stupidest mistake of my life because my mom passed while i was in there um i had started meth actually about 12 years old started by shooting up right here in this vein actually i can still see the scars actually on both my arms my veins no longer work they have to find a vein within my wrist right here to actually get an iv in me or the top of my hands those are the only ones that work hell do you know i'm 20 now i currently do uh fentanyl and heroin um i started doing fentanyl and heroin after i lost my my second daughter um about five months ago i miscarried at 18 weeks i just found out that day that she was a girl her name was shaw day stephanie my first daughter i had when i was 13 shortly before i went to jail but i was beaten seven months pregnant um while i was pregnant i had done everything to keep that baby because i'm not going to hurt no child especially when they got no chance to defend themselves you know um but i found out the baby daddy was doing heroin so i left him and he beat me uh he left me there in his own house for dead basically i called the ambulance and passed out after i called i remember waking up in the hospital and then putting the baby in my arms she died 11 minutes later latched on to my titty to breastfeed um after that i got really stuck in the dope for a long time i went from 140 pounds to 93 in about three months i spent about six years doing that up until recently i finally started gaining my weight back back in utah and i got sober for a while for about two years i was sober and i had a fiance two full-time paying jobs and then covered struck my baby daddy well not my baby daddy but i called him that um he got stabbed between the fourth and fifth row straight and to the heart i had 37 seconds to say goodbye um that was one of the hardest things i went through after that i started doing dope again i ain't stopped since just gotten worse and worse now i'm doing fentanyl [ __ ] people are dying every day from that and here i am smoking it it's like i'm testing fate or something ain't got no will to die just ain't got nothing else to do i'm stuck in the streets doing whatever i can for money um i don't hover none of that but uh i mean [ __ ] i'll rob people i'll steal from stores i do what i have to do to make my money you know sometimes i'll get lucky and one of my homies or something will come up and they'll share with me but i mean most days i don't have any money any food most the food i eat is passed out from schools and churches there's a lot of good people out here actually that give out to the homeless luckily otherwise [ __ ] i might be dead by now i've been beaten out here for no reason i've been kicked in the face by a female because she was jealous of me and so she made up an accusation that i snitched on one of her homies so that her boyfriend would stand there and protect her while she kicked me in the face in an alley after stripping me naked and making me squat and cough nobody did anything about it try going to the cops about it but you know how they are they don't really do much for the homeless sadly um because once you're on the streets you're on the streets you know not a lot of people are willing to help but you know somehow i'mma get there hopefully you know i did spend four years in utah that's uh when i was clean but uh my dad died september of last year so you've lost both your parents man i'm an orphan all my family is dead uh my auntie died when i was 11. my grandfather died when i was nine my grandma died when i was 10. um my nana just recently died in december um my second daughter like i said november 19th which was right after or right before i started heroin um started fentanyl about a month ago because heron wasn't enough anymore um tell me about your childhood you were molested at four of it tell me what else what your childhood was like otherwise most the time me and my mother were fighting honestly i can't remember one time that i can say was a good day all the way through i remember there was one happy moment that i do remember with my mom and it was my seventh birthday and her boyfriend ended up grounding me because of some stupid something and she ended up taking me shopping anyways and even though we didn't get anything you know we were just window shopping it was you know she still took me out and we had fun uh when i was in rehab actually right after i was in jail which was actually where i was when my mom died not jail she and i got a lot closer and shortly after that we were good for about a month right before she died and heard your mom pass away she had fallen in the kitchen and had a concussion and according to the people she went to school with they had sent her to go to the hospital but instead she went home and went to sleep and she never woke up and you know i i blamed myself for a long time because i should have been there you know to take care of her like i'd always been you know i've been taking care of her since i was six but uh you know i got too wrapped up into the drugs to do anything for her and when i was in rehab you know i wasn't there to take care of her i wasn't there to make sure she took her meds or you know i wasn't there in general and i should have been i shouldn't have been out there doing drugs and [ __ ] i mean that didn't do much for me obviously but get me on the streets um she had a wonderful smile i remember that yeah but uh she did what she could to take care of me i know that and even though every day was just another fight i realized now it's just because she was trying to protect me she was trying to keep me from doing all the things i was doing and i just wouldn't listen you know it's something she always told me you know you could be a lawyer with as much as you argue but if you would just listen for a second you'd be okay she was right um i should have listened to her because she had if i would have i never would have been on the streets like i am you know that's what kids nowadays need to need to realize is that thank you it's that they need to listen to their parents you know because if they would you know they won't end up like me man i hope kids nowadays start listening because [Music] being me ain't nothing to be i'm 20 years old on the streets begging for food begging for money everything i can do to survive and ain't fun you know like i'm begging people just to stay alive that ain't something you want for yourself not at all i mean [ __ ] i was raped twice last year and 19 years old because i was in a deep dark alley just trying to get drugs and uh you know nobody helps you can scream as loud as you want but ain't nobody gonna hear you and even if somebody does hear you they ain't gonna come especially the people on the streets you know they're they're not gonna save you they're not your friends you're alone out here you have any friends no i can say i have one friend in my life and i've known her since i was in second um her name's hannah she has a son now mason he's beautiful beautiful baby boy i miss the [ __ ] out of that girl but uh you know she's somebody i always talk to when i can if i have a phone you know that i can get a wi-fi on or something see somebody always called on that no i'm okay it's rough out here man you know a lot of people don't take the time to do what you're doing and to listen it's not easy being a little female out here alone on the streets not a lot of people even care you know you meet a lot of people who only want me for my body that's all they're gonna be interested in you know they don't care about me or my story or what i'm going through all they want is that [ __ ] you know it's it gets old after a while it's uh really degrading that all i'm worth to somebody is a couple minutes you know they don't care you know they'll fake and play games and act like they care but they really don't you know and all these these kids out here i see kids that are younger than me out here on the streets and i'm just like what are you doing you know like you could be in school you know drug free home with your parents i don't have that i don't have that opportunity anymore i passed it up i missed both my mom and dad dying you know my mom dying i couldn't really help missing it but uh i missed my dad because i didn't have the balls to go back and see him you know i had the opportunity right before i stepped in that car i changed my mind and he died you know i told myself oh he'll get better he'll get better but i didn't even get to say goodbye because i wouldn't go see him you know and that's a that's a decision i'll never never let go you know i'll never be able to live that down i regret that every day not going to say goodbye but in the end the drugs being ended up being more important and uh [ __ ] it sucked you know how are you introduced to drugs at such a young age i met this guy at this church after school church program in arizona and you know we had been friends for a couple of weeks and i eventually went out to his house out in bullhead arizona and we were going to buy some weed i had 114 dollars in my pocket and uh he ended up buying meth instead and so i stuck a needle in my arm i said [ __ ] it it'll help i was really depressed as a kid don't really know what for didn't really have anything to be depressed about not back then i mean now yeah but back then i don't know why i wanted to do it didn't make no sense um i was just a really damaged kid overall making stupid decisions for no reason you know just to be rebellious rebellious isn't something she should be unless you've got the backup to be it yeah how much does that molestation at four and a half impact your life now um actually it made me more promiscuous than anything um at about 11 i lost my virginity willingly um but uh up until that point i didn't let nobody touch me at all my mom wouldn't hug me nothing none of that i didn't i didn't let anybody touch me um when i was about 11 i started becoming curious and so this kid i went to school with he was only 12. we ended up fooling around a little bit you know and one night we ended up actually having sex at his house and uh i remember he had a pillow over my face so that i couldn't see nothing you know because he was shy or whatever but uh not to where i couldn't breathe or anything just to where i couldn't see and uh i mean it was it was all consensual and everything like that it was just he didn't want me to see his thing i guess you know late now it's funny you know i i i still talk to him i'll message him once in a while i remember that green pillow and we always laugh about it but uh it was funny um man but uh looking back now i wish i would have waited i wish i would have saved it for my ex-fiance who i ended up meeting in utah but uh you know him and i still had a lot of fun together for about three years we were together up until he was stabbed died in my arms that kid was only a kid you know he was only 20 when he died what was he doing that got him stabbed in the heart nothing he was protecting me uh this guy was being really rude and disrespectful and i punched him in the face and so he hit me back and pulled out a knife and before he could get to me my ex-fiance jumped in and he stabbed him right here right between the fourth and fifth fret and went straight into the heart and after your heart's damaged beyond repair you've only got 37 seconds to live and that's a fact that i have learned from experience not the internet and that really sucks you know for a long time i blame myself for that one too i still kind of do you know had i just kept my mouth shut he might still be here but i just had to open my big mouth you know say something back and hurt somebody that i shouldn't have [ __ ] with but uh you know it is what it is can't take it back now but uh at least he's in a better place you know better than being on this earth [ __ ] this place ain't nothing you want to be with ain't nothing fun out here everything out here ain't nothing but pain misery sadness i mean i can't even stand to look on these streets i feel bad for these people you know a lot of these people have just lost their minds being out here they talk to themselves i mean most of them are probably schizophrenic or something no help out here just because they got hit upside the head maybe one too many times i think that's how a lot of them lose their mind honestly is just get hit one too many times and their mind snaps start talking themselves eating out of trash cans [ __ ] living in piles of garbage it's disgusting you know i mean at least me i have some resources to keep clean you know got a couple of people that i know that live in buildings that'll let me come and shower you know stuff like that but still it's hard out here man you're only 20 years old and you've had so much bad luck and tragedy in your life constant how do you explain that you've had so much [ __ ] look making stupid decisions being in the wrong place at the wrong time uh just bad luck i guess i really don't know i asked that same question every day you know why me what have i done to deserve it because i don't you know you feel like life is unfair no it's not it's not fair but you can only do what you got to do to survive you know thank you you know you can only do with so much i mean i have a high school diploma i finished school with the 4.0 gpa but getting a job without an id and getting an id is so damn hard being on the streets she ain't got the money for it or you know even with an id voucher you still have to have a birth certificate your social security card and then even then most of the time if i have all that i'm too doped up but my [ __ ] gets stole so you know it's uh it's also a lack of motivation on my part mainly because i just i don't want to wake up in the mornings you know i'd rather just stay asleep what emotions do you deal with most depression a lot anxiety um i have a panic disorder that uh causes random panic attacks for no reason uh like out of nowhere i'll just start panicking i'm not gonna be completely alone and all of a sudden i'll start thinking which leads me into panicking and i'll just sit in a ball cry by myself ain't nothing i can do to help it i've been on medications all my life which never really worked i've tried for years to manage it and it just nothing really helps except for the black which the hair on um the fentanyl helps a little too but i'm more shy on using that because uh i trying to die you know have you odd one time about a week ago on fentanyl i took two really really small hits you know smaller than i normally take and even that caused me to od you know um i remember getting up to go to the bathroom and i uh was starting to head back to the tent and it was only a ten foot gap between the tent and the porta potty but i ended up falling and passing out i guess uh that's what these little scrapes right here are from and these bruises i fell to my knees i guess and just passed out i wasn't breathing um i remember waking up after my my friend had shot me up with three narcans up the nose and i woke up in the grass full-fledged into a panic attack and i remember crying for my help or for help from my mama you know mom what's going on i don't really know why i felt like i was talking to her maybe i was when i was out you know um he told me i was blue all the way down to my fingers completely blue from head to my fingers and uh i just can't imagine that you know blue like i just stopped breathing and i didn't even know it i don't remember it i think that's the scariest part is that i really i just don't remember and then coming back you know it's i was freezing cold i mean i had cold shakes that were just uncontrollable i think that was some of the worst pain i've experienced in my life it's that cold and that's what narcan does is it turns you cold that's why when people are narcan they wrap you up in those heated blankets because your body is immediately withdrawing from that heroin or the narcan or whatever or the fentanyl or whatever and that narcan is trying to sober you up man the next day i tried everything i could to get high and i just couldn't i was sober as [ __ ] i couldn't get high for the life of me i think i spent about a hundred dollars that day trying to get high nothing no high whatsoever i mean i had some of the best [ __ ] i had in my life and nothing touched me because that narcan was running through my system [Music] man it sucked i wasn't going through with her also i was sober you know like normal and it was weird but uh yeah and today you're living in a tent on a skid row yeah i live in a tent down on sixth and wall it's right by a gutter on our sidewalk with uh this guy um i won't say his name but uh you know he's uh he looks out for me he takes care of me he makes sure i have my fix every day and if i stay there you know that's my man i guess but i mean he protects me he takes care of me so it's better than being outside on the sidewalk i mean i'm technically on a sidewalk but at least there's a couch in there you know i'm warm at night so it's better than being completely stuck outside you know it's better than nothing what would you say is the most important thing you've learned in your 20 years listen listen to the people that are trying to help you because that's all they're trying to do they ain't trying to boss you around they ain't trying to tell you how to live they're just trying to give you the right ways to live most times you know just listen to the ones that are stable the ones that have a house the ones that have a job listen to them because they can't help you i mean i'm lucky i came across you because [ __ ] if i didn't i don't know what i would have had to do for money today i mean that's all i've got to survive on you know but uh yeah that's me all right miranda thank you so much for sharing your story thank you i wish you the best of luck in getting off these streets getting away from thank you all right thank you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 949,728

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Id: 77zJ3G8LtVE

Length: 31min 31sec (1891 seconds)

Published: Sat May 08 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/weetattyscone]

I watched her video today. I feel so sad for her. She said she doesn't understand why she was depressed when she was young.... as if what she went through should be shrugged off. What a terribly sad life.

editted because my auto correct is a bam

[u/thoughtallowance]

Yes for those 'bootstrap' argument people this woman took care of her mom the best she could when she was a kid. She got a 4.0 GPA in high school and graduated. In other words she, put a lot more effort in and did above average in several regards compared to the typical person her age. No one can ever claim life isn't a lot about luck. I hope this woman's luck improves!