Everything Wrong With The Rock In 17 Minutes Or Less

they're not coming for us are they sure movie begins with some out of nowhere flashback explosions that are supposed to mean something I guess but really only served the boner of Michael Bay a guy putting flowers on a grave in the rain cliche I'm thinking maybe they should have adjusted the lighting or just picked the day where it's not so [ __ ] sunny outside to film with rain machine this gravestone plays the pronoun game it didn't matter if Tony Scott directed it or Michael Bay did Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer made sure all of their movies looked 100% the same back in the mid 90s I'm having trouble distinguishing this movie from Crimson Tide the Navy's conveniently blatant signage is both blatant and convenient also when they were making the sign were they worried that they wouldn't have enough room after typing naval but instead of just starting over with a new sign they just typed weapons a little smaller then realize they had enough room after all so decided to go back to the original font size for the word depot this side of the naval base isn't guarded even though there's a visible watchtower that is inexplicably much shorter when they get to the top of the hill are doing something besides guarding when a group of people show up with the plan to break in cliche these Marines shoot off loud grappling hook arrow guns that hit the fence with no one noticing it sure these aren't lethal weapons they're using but this dude just crashed through a window and fell out of a 30-foot tower so if he's okay it's only because they got lucky movie reduces the u.s. Navy two Bond villain henchman we got 30 minutes to those starts were off and that we now know they were shooting the other military personnel with darts so they are still morally on the up and up even though they're there to steal chemical weapons to threaten San Francisco why would just anyone on the base have access to this room but now sedated soldiers were just guarding it and they don't need access if these weapons are as dangerous as we're about to find out they are then only a few people should have access to them right right jesus H Christ how many of these skin burning chemical weapon missiles that we probably will never use do we need and why the are they protected only by a padlock and not another [ __ ] keycard train soldiers get sloppy just so you can see the devastating effects oh they're stealing uh-oh that's a Beatles album right there 1964 James Bond will not be happy because on the beetle maniac and second these sound better he's gonna play the DS sound better card then he should know that he could get one that's not a first u.s. mono pressing for about the same price as a CD the detergent could be sarin gas at the end they have to do this every time the Turgeon comes through the airport Sarah gbes that is correct it's excellent that marvin is being trained so he has to tell the trainee things that are valuable for us the viewers to know isn't don't play with the potentially deadly objects inside a crate even though they seem unassuming one of the first things you've learned at chemical weapons specialist school I want to know much extra time it took them to rig the baby dolls eyes to open when the weapon is triggered because that was definitely not time wasted also whoever designed this went to the Batman bill an institute of weapons design I have some more bad news the FBI didn't spend the extra money to get the suits that can withstand corrosive materials even though this is a chemical weapons lab there's enough c4 explosive and poison gas to blow the whole chamber and kill everybody in the belly I highly doubt that baby doll has enough c4 and poison to take down that entire building I don't know mostly because I don't want to Google how much c4 would it take to take down a building thank God I'm glad that's totally unnecessary action scene filled with all the cliches happened look how big this [ __ ] you want me to stick this into my heart are you nuts he doesn't starting to make me feel like you don't need me at all I need you to tell your teacher that you need to get back on the boat and go right now and your teacher will do just that at the drop of a hat no questions asked and the boat which is obviously on no schedule whatsoever will just leave immediately also I'd rather point our deadly skin-eating chemical weapons at you instead of holding you hostage because I'm either incredibly evil or incredibly stupid the rebel soldiers are able to fly these two stolen Black Hawk helicopters literally right past the US Army Post at Yerba Buena Island without raising any eyebrows it's an an emotion trembler device custom made nobody knows about it and nobody expects it dr. Cox made this homemade motion sensor and takes the time now to explain it because he knows it's going to be important to the plot later and then if they disturb mr. back up here here's hoping that this is where they decide to come in wasting bullets captain fry captain Dara this is my first operational situation with you and your men and I have to say thus far your conduct reflects your reputations these guys just showed up in helicopters two minutes ago what the kept they'd done that's so special that you can never again set foot on your native soil Hummel explains all the potential drawbacks to their treasonous plan which they surely already know during the middle of said treasonous plant I want to know who I'm talking to this is Brigadier General Francis X Hummel United States Marine Corps from Alcatraz out I'll cancel your reservations oh the actual would she know that he needs to cancel his reservations when Hummel called his office did he tell the secretary his fiendish plot before she transferred the call to Womack it seems Alcatraz was just reopened look says the during a hostage criminal warfare situation last night general Hummel using brutal but non-lethal force under the guise of a security exercise walked up with 15 VX poison gas rockets did the weapons depot think that was just a security exercise if so it can failed these pictures are part of the standard-issue photo shoot that every soldier who served in Vietnam had to participate it and the Congressional Medal of Jesus homo also fought in the war on Christmas we never admitted we sent troops into China Sinclair uses the word admitted which implies that he knows they sent troops into China which leads me to believe everyone else in this room and Hummel would know about it so why the bring it up we have to identify the hostages and contact each of their families uh tell him something make up a story and we've got to keep this undercover right because we wouldn't want to evacuate the city or anything also if we don't want this getting out like all the hostages families in light of them wouldn't it be easier to not contact them at all 60 or 70 bless that's not so bad thousand that dude actually thought of the X gas missile would only cause sixty or seventy people to die I mean I know he's supposed to be the dumbass in this movie but come on problem with VX poison gas is that it's designed specifically to withstand napalm I'm just gonna go ahead and say everything they say about VX gas and this movie is wrong I'm not even gonna check the facts I'm pretty sure all of it is wrong Nicolas Cage having sex plus five sins yeah downstairs in ten Goodspeed doesn't ask any follow-up questions nor did the person who called him have enough time to even say we need you to come to San Francisco she still has on underwear which is a sin for two reasons there is someone who I think can help us wait a minute the whole plot revolves around getting John Patrick Mason to guide them through the tunnels of Alcatraz but Skye's been into solitary cell for more than 30 years and Kyle Reese just said Alcatraz has been ripped up and rebuilt for years under there is amazing she so how was Mason supposed to navigate it even if he didn't know all the tunnels so many years ago well you know about VX gas discovered by mistake in 1952 it was discovered by mistake in 1952 then why did what's-his-face tell us it was designed was it accidentally designed the FBI decided to set up their mobile command at pier 39 which is a giant tourist trap instead of the Coast Guard port that is on a f--king island off the Bay Bridge yes yes of course FBI guys surely violates all sorts of verticals by throwing any object that this extremely dangerous and intelligent prisoner watch go no one pokes their head in and says I'm sorry we can't allow them that be lightweight aluminum chair is able to scrape a quarter into a point and he clearly didn't even need to do that with the quarter at all given that the window shattered only where his elbow hit it and then just shattered the entire [ __ ] window don't come to San Francisco like hell I'm not coming gee forget her fiance is a chemical weapons specialist for the FBI and is their own work-related business if he's telling her not to come she should probably assume it's because something terrible is happening oh yes the nearby a shower phone classic you've got to be kidding me no scissors I mean did they tell Picasso no brush this entire character these [ __ ] FBI guys didn't order room service but they don't question all the expensive coming up to the room at all try some of the slot Nissen ordered snacks so room service sent up all the lobster they could find please shake on even the Womack has a history with Mason he still agrees to shake his hand when he obviously looks like he's planning something there's virtually no way this action ends without John Spencer falling to his death and probably dating Sean Connery with him any other outcome is simply you watch guys and run somewhere after doing this but how is it anywhere other than where these FBI agents are coming from did they just let him run by them at all I care about us are you happy with you this character is the gay equivalent of blackface watch see you can't you get up for my arm how was it not already pulled out Mason pushes these guys out of the way on the up escalator when there's a perfectly stationary set of stairs who is right Goodspeed does the same thing could Mason not go around this broad of placement and why was that [ __ ] driving so slow anyway yes that little male car was delivering several landmines not then this is just a bull explosion I hope you're insured oh why not because the car would most likely fail and you probably died in property damage and you're a chemist I can think of several reasons old lady cross industry you know EU moving broken windshield not broken windshield some serious bull some pure Ferrari it's not mine either good speed is supposed to be the good guy right Jade mom Stacy Japan maybe he wasn't talking to you Stacy I got him why is the lab rat guy a better field agent than all the actual field agents the FBI clearly knows about Jade's and she's listed in the computer system as Mason's next of kin someone else should have known to monitor Jade's whereabouts because that seems like one of the only places Mason would try to go but I don't think that we should romanticize what happened between you and her meeting in a bar after Led Zeppelin concert does she think that because he's old he can't remember what happened between him and her mother so she has to lay it out for him or is this just lazier backstory writing that this movie seemed to excel at FBI ma'am father's working with us he's helping us resolve a dangerous situation good cover Stanley let's hope Jay doesn't look around at all the police officers with their weapons drawn pointed at their general direction Michael imprint was in my head I was underground for three days in the dark you mean nobody went looking for you down in these tunnels when you escaped and that's when the blueprints were accurate nobody looked for you for three days in between the rock and a hard case you've been in a combat situation an incursion underwater to retake an impregnable fortress held by an elite team of US Marines in possession of 81 hostages and 15 guided rockets on the VX poison gas this guy doesn't define a combat situation as much as he outlines the plot of the movie so Goodspeed is vomiting now that they're gonna bring him along on this combat mission but so far this is against the unlikely badass character they've created commonly sniffing a bomb lawyer well poisoned melted soup crashing through a window in a Ferrari I mean he's either a wimp or he's not make up your mind I always expected something like this was going to happen nothing prepares you for except for all that FBI training and I'll send someone to pick up your girlfriend and bring her here to the command center instead of putting her back on a plane to Virginia where she'll be safe now this is after penis we come in contact with a gas you have 20 seconds to inject it into your heart first of all he's the Brainiac chemical specialist he's supposed to be then he would already know this and of all atropine would probably work great for real VX gas but wouldn't douchey for this fantasy movie VX gas that melts your skin instead of explaining how atropine works to good speed they should have used that valuable time to explain something that he doesn't know like how an oxygen tank works night vision he meant to say backlight honestly this music is interchangeable with the music from Crimson Tide I see Alcatraz has one of those Galaxy Quest contraptions you have to time correctly to get past i memorize the timing this is some serious unadulterated bull welcome to the rock it's been said many times in this movie but this is the appropriate role quartets moment man-bun motion sensors remember how earlier I commented about it being serendipitous that they decide to enter here well they decided to enter at the location where dr. Cox put his fancy motion sensor I wanna use him there to cut the beam guy explains what he's doing while he's doing it even though there was no reason to explain it out loud cliche which wasn't a cliche until this movie did it 20 times before now and you tell your men to safety their weapons drop them on the deck the commander is real concern is the safety of his men he should just order them to put their guns down because the way this is going they're all about to get killed by the way what happened to using the sleeping darts they could have hit these guys and locked them up since they were so strict about keeping the body count low during the VX gas heist I was trying to find a reason to sin all this but I threw up during this part so that's the sip call me don't don't go this kid decides to climb this ladder to a certain death instead of staying behind and helping Mason and Goodspeed complete this mission Hummel doesn't raise the amount by 10 million to pay for the families of the Marines he just killed Hummel and his men don't decide to check the tunnels to see if there's anyone else I didn't want this I just wanted to threaten a major American city with chemical warfare and have the government pay me a ransom without trying any funny business even though I'm a decorated general and know that they wouldn't just send a ransom because that never happens he's dead yet as I still flinch I need to know who the [ __ ] John Mason is right now sir 1962 J Edgar Hoover is head of the FBI well Matt gets real broad strokes with his explanation because Paxton must not be familiar with common knowledge American history I got a lunatic out there man with 15 missiles armed with some really funky stuff you could have told my daughter neither good speed nor any of the other high-ranking military officials tell Mason why they're on Alcatraz until now even though they could have used it as leverage to get him to complete the mission before he decided to leave instead of querying them in the sewer and shooting them they decide to drop a bomb because we haven't had an explosion in a while they survive this they outrun an explosion for a while even though there two feet of water yes in the amount of time it takes mason to shoot the hvac unit over this guy's head he can I had to throw the grenade or roll out of the way what's keeping them from taking that whole thing with them manufactured plot tension you say I accept your answer but it still [ __ ] by the way where were all these grenades a minute ago when they were blowing away the seals in the shower room Mike these could kind of been handy I still vote the knockout darts but if you're gonna kill people also trained soldier throws the grenade with way too much time left so that it can be thrown back now that Mason have enough time to get all the way up there is there wormhole and Alcatraz that only he knows about Alcatraz still has a working PA system that can be accessed from the outside for some reason good speed is not the least bit suspicious of this missile being inexplicably unguarded ice lady instead of just sniping him from afar they decide to drop in and make their presence known giving good speed time to defend himself Wow seven hours blew by fast just six minutes ago we were eight hours away from the deadline and just now Mason is trying to escape from his cell Goodspeed cell has no furniture yet Mason's has a bed with a mattress allowing him to make a contraption that will help him escape who could have predicted that Mason would Han Solo back into the picture oh that's right everyone all right back to Stanley's girlfriend who continues to be worthless in this story and I forgot about 300 knots Ted a red one football game hell no it's not going towards a football game what time was it when good speed and Mason got thrown into their cells it was nighttime maybe early morning seven hours went by which means it should still be morning and there's definitely no game being played this early also though they said it was going to Oakland right so why is it headed toward Candlestick Park which is still San Francisco this how the [ __ ] do you know that from Alcatraz you can hear when a missile fails in Oakland you know how this works yeah that's a knife I think he has a general idea of how that works the United States Candyman flies at half-mast whenever Michael Bay makes a movie that speed decides to run around with his extremely volatile nerve gas when he's been on everyone's case this entire film about being very very careful when handling it all so why even bother doing this at all the last missile is already gone just call the Pentagon and tell them to call off the air strike and send a few guys with guns to kill frog movie is going to make a valiant attempt to tell me Stanley catches up to this VX gas ball but I still don't believe it good speeds marble of VX gas survives this Stanley chemistry nerd with no real FBI field skills holds his own with a trained soldier psychopath either he just stuck himself in the heart through a bulletproof vest or he wasn't wearing a bulletproof vest both of those things are terrible options it's Grady at those wires on so they could pull him out of the way narrowly avoiding the blast explosions of this size normally just send you safely in the water so I don't know why good speed was worried Mason put America's biggest secrets inside a Pew of a church leaving any number of accidental discoveries or destructions to occur is this what I think it is is it a treasure map to find the Declaration of Independence honey what I really killed JFK Lee Harvey Oswald right or do I want to open that can of worms you've been chosen the island awaits you yessum okay hit death threat to the face really [ __ ] hard I'm eight I think there's something wrong with you - yeah there's a dead guy oh yeah me today in this particular cellblock Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system a [ __ ] and one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a makeshift knife or Shiv and cut out for the bitch's eyes Candyman Candyman Candyman Candyman Candyman understand that Terminator is out there it can't be bargained with it can't be reasoned with it doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop no I just I said I want to find some Rockets you tell me are you going to hospital and more

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,186,699

Keywords: review, movie review, cinemasins, the rock review, wave jockey job, rock movie, everything wrong with, cinema sins, The rock, eww

Id: xV23Y-ypXjg

Length: 17min 7sec (1027 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 12 2016