Everything Wrong With Con Air In 18 Minutes Or Less

this logos weird man like of all the big-budget effects driven movies Jerry Bruckheimer's produced twister ain't womp hot and ranchers have a proud history me if there was one movie that had no need for opening their exposition it's this movie so seen this twice then remember Rangers lead the way well not really anymore I mean they won the AL West in 2016 but since then they've been totally in rebuilding mode you gonna be miss Alabama that make sure that is very bra and sexist he's a regular reg regular hound now I'm not sitting the character for making this terrible pun because he's clearly drunk but I am sending the screenwriter for the first of many terrible puns in the script why don't you go buy me my buddies round did he just throw money at him so the insult is that he gives him the money for the drinks but wants him to be the middleman when you're talking is basically just asking someone to run an errand for you you may need some [ __ ] wing lessons what is it Tricia on shift right now shouldn't she be servicing this very busy oyster bar and if it's no big deal if she take some time off why didn't she meet Poe at the airport and erased the very stupid inciting incident for this movie so these [ __ ] waited for Tricia to finish working then waited in this pouring rain just a with Cameron like that's not even drunk behavior that's obsession with a dude they just met tonight Wow in this fight against a highly decorated Army Ranger this [ __ ] first impulse is to rip off Cameron's [ __ ] badges Simon West does not ground MAMP Cameron's been back home for a cup of coffee and a Trisha Yearwood song and has already killed a guy and I can immediately diagnose this within seconds despite being the bartender at the least fancy Oyster Bar in Mobile Alabama you think in 10 years to get polar the most ludicrous thing about this ludicrous movie is the idea of a white guy getting this long of a sentence in Alabama you are a deadly weapon and are not subject to the same laws as other people that have provoked wait what his uniform was torn his wife witnessed three men attack him and he was injured not to mention character witnesses witnesses the provocation at the bar broken bottle pieces spoofy should have just been over in six minutes and I'm blaming this idiot lawyer and judge for whatever the next two hours holds the character walks into prison for the first time and gets aggressively and immediately catcalled in a movie cliche seriously can't there be one movie when the population welcomes a new member with like a carrot cake or something I'm not angry the blooms got a fall on me after all I shouldn't let them Boas stab me for having the gall to dance with my wife they were perfectly within their rights I am however torn apart when I think that I won't be there to see our child coming to the world look I personally want this entire video to be an indictment on Nicolas Cage's attempted to southern accents it's maybe the worst accent attempt since Keanu Reeves tried to be British in Dracula but since we have to move on to other things here's 300 sins and honestly I think the movies getting a bargain I got your package those paint coconut things have made me quite popular and thank you for packing them so neatly so that the audience could read the brand names clearly hey Roger what's a prison riot look like I'm guessing a bunch of bunks and some fires that enough yeah they probably also TP the whole area for effect Roger you are genius seriously NIC cages workout routine montage lasts longer in this movie than the goddamn trial school is very important the mom is right I swear Nic Cage is a box of chocolates away from doing a complete Forrest Gump impersonation you might as well just make his cellmate Bubba and call it good holy whoa it's that horror movie artwork did Casey paint that if so Cameron's incarceration had a tough impact on that poor girl this is like something the kid from the ring would paint I think it not juicy all right get on foreplay as you know today's flight is no greater sign of oncoming exposition and the character telling a bunch of people something they already know it's my daughter's birthday congratulations I got locked down three months before she was born hey and I'm oversharing this much because we only have a few minutes to bond so that you can later immediately trust me on this dangerous flight oh look he wears socks with sandals he must be quirky and brilliant parking in the handicapped slot the go-to for anytime you need a character to look like an [ __ ] and subtlety isn't a concern we pick up mr. Savino in Carson City from veteran till the plane hits Alabama we've got two hours to get him to talk what let's assume that this prison is somewhere in central Alabama it takes at least five hours to get from Carson City to anywhere near that location I don't care if Google wasn't around in 1997 this is a pretty silly miscalculation that's William Bedford aka Billy bedlam mass murder the intros for the convicts are so stupid and stylized that they might as well be accompanied by Suicide Squad style graphics he wrote a book in prison New York Times called it a wake-up call for the black community they're talking to Denzel for the movie I know I should be surprised by how dismissively racist this movie is in retrospect but I'm not really surprised by Hub dismissively racist this movie is in retrospect tell me skip it's the US Marshal Service in the habit of employing annoying wiseass bookworm creeps we even do back in 1997 that anti-intellectualism was an [ __ ] trait glad we took care of that then so it can't bother us today sure clean up at the Fifty Shades convention they said it'll be an easy 25 dollars they said certainly SEPA honestly the only more random Dave Chappelle appearance in a movie is a star's born what's the in-flight movie today well I think you'll like it Cyrus it's called I'll never make love to a woman on the beach again wait I guess that kind of means I'm a prisoner too this goes smoothly all those monsters hide oh right sounds like a great idea you know I've been thinking about this plan a lot it requires pinball to start the fire in the back cabin then Bishop has to be the one to open the gate and get the extinguisher and she has to have her keys easily accessible then she'd leave plenty of time for pinball to release diamond dog and he himself is able to take out the many guards in the front cabin my point is that maybe it's not impossible but this [ __ ] is way too easy to random bullets and both hit unimportant characters in fatal areas and neither hits anything vital on the plane also a victim of the shooting logic and as you say worried about this over the radio the next wings you see will belong to the flies buzzing over your rotting corpse man I bet this line looked great on paper and it sounds great coming out of John Malkovich but I the only gun on board welcome to Conair roll inmates this is your captain so that's it but guards look like they've actually got the upper hand here and the only advantage Cyrus has is the gun sure it's a big advantage but they still have numbers and they have to know about the Arsenal in the belly of the plane there's a little ruckus in the pilot hippie laughs wait so that pilot went along with it even after killing ray cyrus stepped out of the cockpit I swear this whole plan is just a giant bowl of this works too also you know it was Ginny that raised concerns about this flight in the first place but now that there's an actual alert she's super call I know the pilot said everything is fine but she's not even suspicious machete diamond dog if you would thank you free did they rehearse this my just diamond dog have to do the motivational speech about the next steps Cyrus is literally right there I know we're all nervous that the gun is going to be found but the real question is how is it not seen by the person who locked his ankles down in the first place Jesus Christ seems might not be the sharpest tool in the shed but how on earth does he expect this to work this line is so good relative to the rest of the script that I choose to believe it was Dave Chappelle improvising Bob because I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to look it up I'm giving it a sit nice work huh truly nice work what did Poe really do sure he kind of distracted the DEA guy but seems like Cyrus would have higher standards for this type of praise the guys they're expecting our white that puts you down these [ __ ] are gonna be transferred to another prison though right so it's conceptually much luckier to be on this flight considering Cyrus doesn't know about baby o's diabetes Carson study says we got a hell of a sandstorm down there it is perfect since they can now disguise themselves even further it's almost like God wants these [ __ ] to escape and they're somehow gonna screw it up well my second ago you couldn't wait to get off this plane no no your friend I guess this works now what will my daughter think of me if I let you like this to get dishonored I look I'm gonna be honest I expected a ton of sins for this movie to this point but there's just so much like this line it's definitely sinful but really just since itself listen again now what will my daughter think of me if I lift you like this to get this on and die you see oh yeah Cyrus had plenty of time to Andy Dufresne his prison cell with plaster even though he's under constant surveillance I don't care if he's got a goddamn hood on Cyrus is apparently one of the most recognized criminals in the system but this correctional officer doesn't recognize his ass even this clothes also what was the plan if there wasn't a sandstorm he'd still walk out with the masking goggles and no one would notice starting to think these [ __ ] are actively in on this plan you gotta be kidding me how long is it gonna take for Lloyd Dobler to put together man he's been looking at these pictures for several minutes but hasn't radioed to the plane this is like Butthead looking at the window the footprints and the missing TV over and over again yes we're not only adding a previously unknown entity to this highly regulated prison transfer he's gonna be the most murdery of all those [ __ ] good luck yeah but steve buscemi still look creepier as crazy eyes and that Adam Sandler movie that's gonna go man Butch's 37 people up and down the eastern seaboard whispers position also even if these are convicts what makes them goddamn experts on the other evil or convicts how even later knows the exact details of Cindy knows lesser known crimes like is the literature on the criminals available in the prison library and if so why it's physically spiritually psychically emotionally and physically impossible for this movie to get any dumber got a situation here sir somebody better call the marshal's office this is the radio equivalent of you better come take a look at this cliche where is a transponder where indeed not content to just show us tom friendly hot-wiring the transponder and having it taken out of the plane movie wants to make sure we get it by taking another few minutes to spell it out in conversation so did Larkin intentionally wrinkle his suit did it come nice and press from the store but he crumpled it up and threw it into a corner of his closet before you could wear it he just took that barely used cigarette out of his mouth and chucked it on the floor it's a bad for the health bad for the environment bad for the wallet trifecta situation has ever been contemplate well do you better start contemplating no one ever contemplated the inmates taking over the plane on the list of things to contemplate when putting inmates on the plane shouldn't that at least be toward the top Cyrus Grissom you copy so they discovered the schematics and Cyrus's cell they deciphered the code they've been through the bomb blast in the cell run through the entire tape from the DEA agent and they're just now contacting the planes radio Oh nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his bladder in the okay I've gone as far as I can without taking a sin off of this Malkovich performance this is prime Malkovich people except they somehow managed to get every creep and freak in the universe onto this one plane and then somehow managed to let them take it over and then somehow managed to stick us right smack in the middle I know we're pronoun gaming here but is the they in this situation the screenwriter by the way what did baby O do that landed him in prison not like he's getting out anytime soon since he was getting transferred presumably to that supermax prison in Alabama but he's good because he's diabetic got in a drunken brawl defending his wife and he killed a guy could happen to any one of us damn if only camera that had the legal mind of US Marshal Vince Larkin on his defense team despite John Cusack yelling this about the director he was allowed to continue making this film we dragged him baby the landing gear all the way up and I just figured no one would ask me about it so I haven't said anything for this entire flight yeah but this is our pinball fell over Oh running neck to neck with a plane that's lifting off my do so how in the ever-loving did he end up here also the production budget must have been sapped after casting all this star power because clearly nothing was spent on this Chappelle dummy seriously look at that like a toddler me to clay sculpture in art class and then quit halfway through there's no way this is cruising altitude and a plane of this type at this height would draw all kinds of suspicion movie doesn't even know how to airplane not only does this body not explode on impact it's somehow picks a busy intersection instead of the top of a building or an unpopulated area you say you had 15 years but in now we'll put you on North Block funny thing I was on North Block I don't know you gives it about criminals and movies that makes them expert detectives why the hell would Billy care where Poe was in the prison especially when they're you know in the middle of a daring aerial escape from prison what's wrong with I'm more concerned with why baby it was sweating so much I think it's supposed to be a reminder that he needs insulin but high blood sugar doesn't cause sweating thirst exhaustion and frequent urination shirt but sweating like you're starring in a time to kill isn't usually on the symptoms list hey those are my shades you're mine now system man man this movie is trying to be offensive to everyone and it's succeeding dude you have this whole giant road and you're driving right down the middle Wow could you put the bunny back in the box wait I think I've heard this one because it was having a bad hair day did I get it right that aircrafts carrying 30 prisoners hey if this pilot would make that outdated of a reference on Mary Pickford one girl I drove through three states wearing her head as a hat sure this is supposed to show crazy old Garland's true colors but how would that work did he have to balance it on top of his head the whole time or did you take her face off oh look that's potentially blood let me dip my fingers in it to make sure better yet let me dip my balls in that stuff also what happened to Larkins cell phone he sees the dead body and the destroyed radio but he sees no need to call this in the last guy who told me to have patience I burned them down and bagged his ashes damn even for Cyrus this seems like a massive overreaction my own proclivities are well known and often lamented facts of penal lore gosh this is your barbecue man and it tastes good this line is so bad that it's even worse than the rest of the script and I'm choosing to believe that it was Nicolas Cage improvising because I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to look it up I'm giving it us in how long we got till they get here now ten twelve minutes tops twelve minutes let's say conservatively they're speeding at you at about 75 miles an hour it's going to take them 12 minutes they would be carry the three exponent of the mean Oh done further away than you can see when the earth curves out of sight just over three miles away you got a friend on board see I knew I was right about you I read your file movie it's time for this hell Larkin has time for this also those South American thugs that ambushed Poe are still hanging around right I mean one of them was shot in the leg but he's not unconscious or anything oh just kicked his gun over to the side a little bit we're gonna try and pull it out of the sand if Jett likely weighs over 700,000 pounds and with 14 men and a tractor-trailer pulling that means each person would have to pull back to the five multiple PI a done more than humanly possible until the wheels are on flat ground look I'm not advocating for child murder or anything but Looby takes great pains to set up this whole creepy Garland little girl thing and he ultimately leaves her alone why child murders like his whole thing right sigh Inara guy Barbie wants to sin how painfully stupid this line is part of me loves the camp dammit it's just too stupid this movie gave reality the finger about an hour ago assassinated it a few minutes later and it's now gleefully enjoying dry humping its corpse if they're not expecting an ambush why did they get out here they are expecting an ambush why did they drive through here random cut to Danny Trejo is truly random he seriously left the fight so he could go try and assault dish this is an absurd commitment to this characters pathology movie Wow look at this guy really struggling to be dead like he knows he's in the shot but he's trying hardest to be dead Gunn's stuff flying breaking no easing truckin excitement what was the plan here did they even fill up or put any fuel in this plane whatsoever these [ __ ] start drinking and celebrating as soon as they take off so they somehow think they're free but they have to know there are a ton of helicopters right behind them right how did the Rope get under the front of the car wouldn't have had to pass through the tyres to travel underneath it like this no it was right there the only person in movie history to even suggest going for the tires it's at this point that everyone on the plane is listening to Sweet Home Alabama I can't wait until one of them busts a dope freestyle to Mekhi Phifer about living in a trailer pretty clever huh [ __ ] no that's clever Twitter I'm not supposed to make it yeah man I get that feeling too since you've literally spent this entire movie dining of different things I'm gonna show you God doesn't exist oh come on PO this is not the time for sexy talk there have been so many bullets unloaded in this flying metal tube without incident that luck and coincidence must be sixty-nining somewhere nearby cool it's finally sunset this has been the longest date ever by the way it was in the same day they've had time to transport Po and baby Oh from San Quentin to the airfield load up all the first batch of criminals at them stage of coup fly all the way to Carson City make another prison transfer get into a gunfight fly back to Lerner airfield dig out the plane get into a huge gun fight then fly to Vegas and there's a bunch of other stuff like post family flying all over the country that's similarly unbelievable but just trust me that this whole timeline is bold or clear strips where I'm gonna land but McCarran Airport is literally right next to the strip goddamn for a kinetic movie it's lazy I'm just gonna approximate but I think this is a full fifty five minutes of landing and crashing mmm Jesus Christ look at all that crash you ouch damn this is absurd but I gotta admit it's mesmerizing so let me get the street you want the propeller to not only dislodge but boomerang back to the plane yes and have it passed right between them before he shoots PO wouldn't it kill them no they'll totally jump out of the way but no human can react that quick and the propeller would just be breaking the laws of physics if the propeller slicing clean through a plane no one will care cinemasins cares [ __ ] cinemasins cares man Larkins carrying that gun with the reckless abandon you'd see from the policeman and plan 9 from outer space Oh next time take the bus movie cruelly teases a speed Conair hybrid that I'm definitely not emotionally prepared for holy the Marshalls flew Poe's family out to this incredibly unsafe environment to surprise him the [ __ ] [ __ ] a plane crashed in the middle of the city like only minutes ago I just realized that the only previous times I'd seen this movie I'd been drinking that I totally enjoyed this movie during those times but I'm not enjoying it now while soberly dissecting it hang on let me do a few shots [Music] you killed that guy with a big motorcycle haha I don't wanna close my miss your baby I've got a long missile thing Oh what's in the box what's in the box I will not play guilty you could get 10 years and years man 10 10 years 10 years 10 10 [Music] how [Music] you've been in the celebrity room before with other clients depends on the artist you know there's a fleecy Anna you got no complaints he's going very fast hey that's William Bedford aka Billy bedlam you gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention but you're looking at Punk what are you looking at Butthead what do you want well I know what the plan is I'll be damned if I didn't get really turned on what you're engaged in is blackmail that is a felony Oh captain another captain now

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,223,743

Keywords: cinema sins, eww, mistakes, wave jockey job, con-air, review, con air, simon west, cinemasins, everything wrong with, movie, nicholas cage, everything wrong with con air, eww con air, cinemasins con air, con, air, con air review, con air reaction, con air movie, con air full movie, movie review, nicolas cage, conair, john malkovich, john malkovich con air, nicolas cage con air

Id: va8ukF-ZH0M

Length: 19min 19sec (1159 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 25 2019