Everything Wrong With Gone In 60 Seconds

don't think you can get cute doesn't if I your logos and avoid a logo sin mother first Jesus Christ he's opening credits are so visually jarring I've already gotten whiplash and we haven't even gotten into a car yet ah the time-tested pan over photos and home knickknacks as a way to cheat at character development trick which is kind of weird since I don't think we need to give too many it's about the characters in an action movie about stealing a lot of cars in a short amount of time look I know this was before Photoshop got really good but did the director really think this was the best effort at planting Nic Cage his face on this mechanics body the only thing worse than having to sit through these interminable opening credits is that it's underscored by a mobi song character the scene speaks for the viewing audience to steal a dealership Porsche he throws a brick at a door then he walks in and ultimately drives out a huge window potentially damaging the car when he could've smashed the huge window with the brick in the first place it's like a little boys nursery school I've come upon a description of the writers room becomes a line of dialogue oh my god sweetie you're so talented so between the stupidly dangerous theft and disregard for his partners and this pervy cat call are we to believe that Kip is on drugs or just an [ __ ] there's so much macho agro bull in the beginning of this movie that I may as well be watching a limp Biskit video something wrong tumblr well obviously there's no porn anymore should go zero to 60 to 5.2 seconds that's not slow look it's not a speed to brag about Christ talk to me when you're in the three-second range if they're this far behind him how the hell would they know exactly where Kip went 13-3 seven to go hey kids counting is fun this is currently at best a reckless driving charge and at worst they realized that he stole the Porsche but this is being la man they're seriously gonna send a Blues Brothers Ian level of cops to respond to a simple grand theft auto aren't there much more serious crimes happening right now oh my god detective walks into a crime scene and nonchalantly asks what do we got - no one in particular in a movie cliche its impound cause one month I'll give it damn it along with Tom Cruise whee Tom Cruise exists in this universe but Nicolas Cage the actor doesn't kind of bull world is this that didn't experience honeymoon in Vegas holy mother of laser vision Batman go-karts and yes go-karts is a sin on its own that's because when I was 11 I went go-karting and Bobby W had a car that was faster than everyone else's and he wrecked me into the tire pile on purpose and that was not fair Tommy Marconi well according to Wikipedia it's a US customary unit of force that equals 1,000 pounds force used primarily by American architects and engineers to measure engineering loads oh wait it also says here that it's up under a cheating brother that has no regard for the ramifications of his actions on others yeah he's jammed up Sam too bad now he's jammed up jammed up bad man if we'll patent were showing any harder for Pepsi his hair would catch on fire bad he's real bad does this repeat everything he says is he yeah yeah from the Sandlot and this Calitri is the one who's after my brother like stains on a mattress what I can't possibly be a saying about something being after another thing like stains on a mattress this only works if you sit on instead of after and I'm guessing cage flub the line but this ended up being the best take am i warm Raymond Calitri Memphis trace Memphis rates Memphis Raines Memphis Raines why not Lexington snow or Augusta sunshine or Nashville twang or ammo I cannot get past how ridiculous the name Memphis Raines is how is it that I can stomach Indiana Jones cold wriggle Dirk Diggler [ __ ] Galore bonanza jellybeans and pickle of it but this feels forced to sell after you left auto theft in the South Bay area went down 47% oh go off do some math am I an [ __ ] do I look like an [ __ ] does everyone in this movie repeat themselves constantly is this the only reason this movie approaches two hours in length you make some money and you be a big brother I can see that this car crusher has an intimidation speed setting what you said he needed the cars by I am four days from now so the movie just yadda yadda basically an entire day 72 hours is three days I can map so I'm losing faith and the movies ability to do back you know I got everything under control kitchens on fire yep this is this movies form of a subtle metaphor oh it's that diner can we start calling this the Wilhelm diner so many movies have used it from training day to 7:00 to ghost world and on and on it's a famous movie shooting locations I say we give it a name befitting something that movies use over and over and over because it's cheap the Wilhelm diner tom cassell bank it's not gonna believe who just walked into the quality cafe wait two can beat cops know who Memphis is and even if they have heard about his exploits they'd already know that his mom worked here right I thought I'd catch a Lakers game her we got you killed seriously it's impossible for this movie to be more 2000 six years ago you make a real smart move you know you retire from elapsed gonna get you busted or killing Timah dating exposition timís position I see you wouldn't drag Robert Duvall into this bull quad-cam Wow I mean you're listening to a cassette tape so there's enough noise here it could be any engine but sure have you [ __ ] the guy who got talked out of retirement to steal some cars is now gonna talk another guy out of retirement to steal some cars both of them should be thanking their lucky stars they lived in an era when it was still possible to retire in America this guy was part of the old crew but now he is a driving instructor because that's what car thieves that goes straight to they sit in the passenger seat for a living right you sound very busy right now wait are they King so loudly that the dog in Auto can hear them on the other side of the room through the phone I know morticians have a grim sense of humor but why is it that every movie has to show them eating a sandwich while working with dead bodies seriously that happens all the time Wow sorry cap it's our old friend the character refuses to do a thing we only to turn around in the next scene or two and do the thing cliche rang Memphis raised the director clearly thought that this character name was so epic that each actor was contractually obligated to use it in full anytime they greet or references word on the street says Raymond Calitri Hyde you and your brother [ __ ] top boat if the street knows this then the street should know Calitri is going to kill that brother and Memphis has no choice so this is like a threat that says if you do that where they'll kill you if you don't I'll kill you and that's strange hey not only as Memphis a skilled car thief he's apparently able to keep up with five grown-ass men in a bar fight are we sure this isn't Cameron Poe Vinnie Jones shows up in the nick of time to save Memphis's ass here and it's explained that Otto sent him but how did Otto know exactly where Memphis would be Memphis didn't even learn she worked at this bar until an hour ago at her other job so this is some first-rate yatta I didn't do it for money I did for the cars their music just really spoke to me you know and sure the commercial appeal my best friend's girl good times roll and just what I need it can't be overstated but I felt a deep personal connection to songs like drive and tonight she comes so much so that I felt like the only way to show my appreciation was mass that I didn't have a brother anymore and now you want to give me advice this character is 100% not worth the effort tons of people are about to go through to save his life James Lakeland served a nickel at Folsom for auto insurance fraud I swear to god everyone in this movie refers to time served in prison is currency well they say if the person serves less than a year a fraction of a goddamn penny of all the 50 fancy cars they're charged with stealing the 2000 Lincoln Navigator has to be the stupidest how can we do it without can't be done in you know just FYI they are talking about the cup idiot brother Kip tonight - Friday 8:00 a.m. deadline you're gonna have to go old school one night boost its old school about this plan steal 50 cars quickly preferably in one night and try not to get caught or kill right did people only do that back in the 70s or something Graziella sales Friday 8:00 a.m. sharp target all the cars within 45 minutes fear Jesus Christ could he be exposing the criminal plan anything louder here fellas this way no questions I'm here for Kevin that's great but did you know they would be meeting here right now you turned down the job a day and a half ago without getting details can you go in you make your move for you funny my college girlfriend told me the 73 Firebird Jim Rockford Rockford file the crew and therefore the movie that's time for this Nell annoys Memphis this unicorn what's a unicorn died in a fire fingerprints was the one cut no matter how many times you try to prove something always happens she'll be shadowing man there are so many tangential links to the Godfather in this movie this scene of Oaks the tollbooths scene with sonny there are complicated family dynamics Robert Duvall is playing an advisory role Nicolas Cage is a Coppola and his uncle directed The Godfather Scott Caan who's James's son is even in this my point is that this movie has nothing to do with the Godfather but it's reminding me of it so much that I'm gonna immediately pause this and watch that iconic movie and forget I ever saw this okay so there's been a long-ass shootout on the road then dudes just plugging away at random households with a shotgun but nobody's called the cops no seriously this chase between the B's story villains and the reins boys is still going on despite it having literally nothing to do with the rest of the movie I swear if this thing were 30 minutes shorter it would be a lot more fun boys then play a little pin until on a don't this is not how well anything works just stop showing me the clock clock is useless everyone knows they're gonna succeed and do so in time maybe just after time expires but they planned ahead and they have a Bugaboo prepared point is the only reason we're watching is to see how they do it spending time falsely inflating the question of if they make it it's just masturbation you stole the car I wasn't on the list this looks like heroin great yet another inane subplot that eats up movie minutes but does nothing for the goddamn story stick around cuz no later we're gonna make some Moors and sit in the way this [ __ ] says s'mores they're not some mores you dick they're s'mores you know it seems like this they remind me that Dominic Sena is an iconic music video director did you see a box of rubber gloves here man yeah but how is that any better than gloves those ensure that you leave no fingerprints and they're cheap as hell you can get a box of them for like $0.99 also they're putting fake fingerprints on this guy now when Memphis ham one of their theft targets a day ago pick a fingerprint layin movie you mispronounced actor oh hi sway seriously what the hell has she been this entire movie does she even know what the plan is they listen to lowrider here and the olds among them dig it hard while the Young's are all like what the fan my scene is for the entire scene it sucks whatever place they're breaking into these four morons were just standing outside a garage door entrance holding lit flashlights this movie trades so much logic for generic cinematic shots you telling me all the cars they came here to steal we're in a single-file line already brother we need this car do they I know a few of these [ __ ] are doing this purely to get Kip off the hook but what's the motivation for the rest of them the total payout is two hundred thousand dollars which is nice but it'll also have to be split at least ten ways plus expenses so each person's payout will be probably less than 20 grand again that's a decent chunk of change but is it worth all this risk aren't they supposed to be doing this surreptitiously like the owner of the car not only sees mirror man he and his wife have a conversation with it this movie really not know how to thieve role model he's mad because this guy used a gun and doesn't respect car stealing and this line is this movie's idea of a joke and you can go ahead and laugh if you want but I'm adding five cents wholly this montage of stealing the fifty cars goes quick like I trade in all those other boring parts about family and territory and getting the crew together to get a lot more of this is in this covert surveillance van that is giving off this much blue light no wonder they got made turn off a lava lamp next time fools the dog ate the keys they need go shibi get some get some X this is a plot point in this movie about stealing a bunch of cars you see what I mean about this thing being at least thirty minutes too long next time I'll pull out the they're in high heels and pink underwear for you man I thought I'd seen the worst on-screen chemistry with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman and the Star Wars prequels but this is a whole new level if they have so many cars to steal one of these two keep doing missions together instead of splitting up I did ask you to come with me you asked me to be a different person skip in 60 seconds hang on Memphis said forever ago since then the group has boosted several more cars got horned up in the driver's seat made the dog get out the keys and discount Hobbes and Shaw have had time to pull and review the file on Calitri movies long enough without having to add fake time to it this works this is the worst day of my life man these cops are dumb they know the crew is stealing a ton of cars tonight and they keep trying to catch them at a single car theft point instead if they had brains they'd be staking out the piers of the rail yards for the last two days the only places people could quickly disperse of 50 stolen cars and would have already spotted suspicious behavior snakes on a paint are you supposed to hop the cars that you're stealing all the dents and scratches just give the bad guy and easy reason not to pay you and maybe kill you he drives out of here like the car he's stealing won't be scrutinized running from the comps the Junior loser thieves also massively damaged this vehicle this was Grand Theft Auto they'd be doling cars need to be delivered free of damage but love a please see Shelby if Memphis is this scared of Eleanor and everyone knows it why haven't the cops been sitting on every mother in one of these Shelby's in the city since the very beginning of the heist the cops are soaking lucky to be driving a BMW right now a car built for the Autobahn do you have to chase down a Shelby Mustang well German engineering to the rescue the continuity and frequency of cuts in this car chase is so dump it might as well be a takin movie requesting air unit same location damn that was fast if this chopper was at the ready what took it so long to get here in the first place man just gotta drive not really he just had nitrous and you guys didn't but also how convenient for Memphis that the only Shelby nearby for him to steal has built-in nose Jesus's car chase has been going on so long that I think it seeds the length of the Matrix Reloaded the French Connection Mitchell and Bullitt combined narrative ambivalence I guess it's time to drive angry one range is as good as another it never rains but it pours the [ __ ] the first part is fine you don't care if you kill the older or younger rains brother fine but the second part is bonkers never rains but it pours that is nonsensical to the max and I'm not even blaming your token European villain ass I'm blaming the screenwriter number 50 he's like maybe 10 minutes late so what's the [ __ ] problem if they're seriously gonna scrap the entire deal for a technicality like this these are the most punctual and anal thugs ever killing shut the cow I'm confused on the villains motivation here he was originally pissed with Kip because he couldn't get all 50 cars which would be embarrassing to Calitri in front of the South American buyers now he gets all 50 of them even though one needs to be a little fixed up but he's gonna crush the last car and kill a guy who's the best at boosting them what does this accomplish isn't he still gonna be in trouble with the buyers god damnit movie if you spent this much time with set up pay it off logically why would you lock yourself in H or in the chest both please looks like someone brought what graph to a gunfight hmm warehouse guns cops shadows running catwalks valence fire hoses steam stalking have I seen this before every goddamn action movie finale ever even macGruber ended that way man you kill me now you think about this I'm a police officer your life will be over no you've got that the wrong way round if I kill you your life's over can't argue with logic like that holy and I thought the villains death from Robocop was fakers replace the Pepsi here with Corona light and this is a goddamn fast and furious movie man I'm so glad they gave Angelina Jolie's character so much agency in this movie really warms the heart to see such an empowered role in the midst of a bunch of horny dudes if it's unpleasant wounding as in some way in Lawton the rest of you Oh kiss my ass just go ahead and name this character Silent Bob you cowards it's a heat but give me a couple of weeks in the middle look like streamlined butterfly what butterflies by nature are not streamlined a torpedo is streamlined mike is streamline a butterfly is wonky as hell and basically the definition of turbulence in action this is one of the worst analogies ever you only need all the freaking chips Kip I did it for the cars I live my life a quarter mile at a time that's funny my name's Roger shrubberies are my trade I am a shrub ax my name is roger the shrub ah oh yeah my name is Bob Kelso and I like [ __ ] the police impound you want us to go there and start stealing cars yeah there's still the Declaration of Independence

Channel: CinemaSins

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Id: o96XlXNREXE

Length: 15min 56sec (956 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 30 2019