Everything Wrong With Jurassic Park III In 15 Minutes Or Less

puddle ripples on both opening logos is a pretty heavy-handed sign that nothing new awaits Us in this film in the last movie it was 87 Mi Southwest of EA nublar and I don't doubt it's relation to Costa Rica but damn at least be consistent about how you describe where these islands are in relation to things that said movie still thinks we give a about where any of this takes place 1 2 3 man this is such a lovely area it has the best green screens in the entire world also um is Spielberg on set today no Sweet let's go with the quick and easy green screen shot hurry movie requires the absolute Most Extreme father-son Adventure conceivable by man in order to even have a plot also that's definitely Tommy thomasino from the six sense who I've sworn to notice and hate for all time on behalf of Haley Joel Osman what happened to them come on I pretty much had it with this mystery killing the last movie showed how thrilling it can be when you can see the danger coming the only dinosaurs that could have done this are the pterodactyls which the Jurassic Park series has given the finger to so far it's almost as though this movie's CGI was specifically created to insult Stan Winston actually Charlie there a her of they really wouldn't be interested in fighting with each other Dr Grant would be amazing at Cinema Sins what a freaking buzz kill this is is is Alan I am almost certain that they wanted Alan and Ellie to be married and together on the adventure in this movie but they aren't because Alan's going to need someone to call who can send the entire military to save him later he's a great guy no no he isn't you take that back all our theories about Raptor intelligence what they were capable of we weren't even close tell me I think that was the next thing he was going to do until you interrupted with your new husband I mean until you interrupt it they were smarter than dolphins or whales they were smarter than primates but still table by the movie after this one because reasons the Raptor was capable of uh sophisticated vocalizations which we heard in the last scene they really wanted to rub that Allen isn't with Ellie anymore thing into our faces didn't they are you saying that you wouldn't want to get on to East LA SAA and study them if you have the chance no force on Earth or Heaven could get me on that island oh yeah so why am I watching Jurassic Park 3 then also hilariously over the toop statement designed for comedic reversal setup cliche but you can feel the difference sexy archaeology going to have to back up in 4 weeks Dr Grant once again has financial troubles that will make him easy to buy when it comes to going to East lasna this is brilliant Billy really it is Hadad to say it's just a little bit late Dr Grant sketchy funding offer arrives during discussion of projects dwindling funds we have permission to fly low Grant somehow believes this pushy couple when they say all they want to do is fly over the island no force on Earth or Heaven could get Dr Grant on that island so a private jet will have to do even with what I pay you couldn't you afford a Better Bag no way this one's lucky Jurassic Park franchise goes for back-to-back lucky packs in back-to-back movies one of the many ill-advised ideas this movie crapped out Allan Jurassic Park 3 can't tell you enough how much it hates you franchise to totally takes the day off and borrows the helicopter arrival music from the first movie for the plain arrival music in the third movie for the third movie in a row Only the Good dinosaurs are visible at first Ben Amanda honey Dr Grant said that's a bad idea what he says it's a bad idea what's a bad idea taone tries to be more annoying than her bad boys character and this movie is actively trying to get the audience to Mutiny right about now it's a torosaurus I don't think so it sounds bigger it sounds bigger damn this guy didn't even graduate from the Prometheus School of running away from things everyone survives this plane crash but only because we're on Dinosaur Island all those white people to eat and the dinosaur chooses the one black guy that's totally racist all the remaining white people survive this dinosaur plane soccer I'm going to guess there were easier ways for this dinosaur to chase everybody but miraculous Escape is miraculous I guess nobody move a muscle just because they all run does not mean Dr Grant would then also run he believes standing still is the best way to survive but then abandons it to become the last guy in line in the stupid runaway party the run through the woods was just an excuse to get these two Titanic dinosaurs to start fighting which I'm absolutely fine with however epic fight takes like 30 seconds and it's basically a waste of our time we called everyone we did everything we could so Paul and Amanda thought it was a better story to say there were a couple of Thrill Seekers looking for a guide rather than telling Dr Grant about their missing son wouldn't he have been more likely to go with a true story rather than the LIE oh sorry divorce couple is definitely going to start loving each other again because of the adventure cliche I don't remember that on engin like list it's because it wasn't on their list and it makes you wonder what else they are up to the t- viers so Mr Kirby tell me when you climb K2 are we really going to spend time interrogating an already known liar about his K2 exploits there's no such thing as Kirby Enterprises is there that's on you guys actually you didn't bother to check out the business before you agreed to go on this trip also how did Mr Kirby collect enough cash with his paint and tile store to rent a private jet with three mercenary guys who would dare to fly in restricted airspace okay fine go ahead and scream and then when that tricycl plots attacks you don't come crying to me worry about that skip wow East Las SAA continues to provide a bounty of convenience as Dr Grant's be line path to the coast just happens to pass right by crucial missing kit evidence this island should be called EA coincidence the battery's dead I got an idea I'll power this camera with my mag light batteries which are surely the same I'm Clipper there's a clip there's a big clip this is not the same dialogue from the first scene camera's still on who gives a leave it on what the hell was that all about the skeleton of Ben manages to make an appearance but how dinosaurs didn't finish off the rest of his body makes me realize the just wanted to have a skeleton in it a man that decides to grieve where there just happens to be a brilliantly lit nest of eggs gleaming like a treasure in an RPG come look at this you should come look at this cliche I just stole some Raptor egg's face Eric Jesus these two keep taking turns yelling and scolding each other for it if they listen to Dr Grant and shut the f up and do what he says the movie would probably be over by now but to make the length of a normal feature film these two have to be some of the most clueless self-centered morons ever put to film Raptors run around like ghosts in horror movies I got a buck 10 you mean the vending machines are powered on guy who knows better decides to smash a vending machine because clearly they haven't made enough noise already also this is something that definitely needed the element of surprise so that everyone could be startled and unsettled even more than they already are can't you just go to the one that's already smashed no I guess you're going hungry then okay so I'll give you that the Raptors are smart but definitely not this smart you mean to tell me that this would rather pretend like he's encased in form Malahide rather than just go in for the attack super fast raptor is super slow at chasing humans being chased by Raptors here's a handy herd of dinos for you to lose elv in also when in doubt just try to replicate from the first movie on a bigger scale while being blurrier and edited more rapidly so wait the Raptor didn't hear that they said a trap they actually said a trap yeah but how did they know that you'd go back to find his body honestly they have the collected power to just track these fools down on their own without trickery so why did they even bother sensing that it's the villain in the movie The Raptor takes his sweet ass time here instead of killing Grant immediately so that Grant has time to escape seriously so the kid is here right now ready to throw smoke bombs and save Dr Grant because he just happens to be in the area so this is missing kid X makina I guess seriously maybe the stupidest thing any Jurassic Park movie asks the viewer to swallow even worse than motorcycle Raptor Bros is the fact that this dumbass 12-year-old survived 8 weeks on Dinosaur Island I mean eight goddamn weeks last movie A Heavenly Armed Force was driven off the island in 2 days this movie's adult started dying off almost on touchdown but this kid because he reads dinosaur books has lasted 8 weeks my ass also I guess Eric learned how to cut his own hair after being on this island for 8 weeks I read both of your books because every kid that manages to run into Dr GR has read his books also Kitt eats a Nestle Crunch which when you combine it with the crackles in the last movie means this series is extremely high on crisped Rice chocolate bars I just Ed the last of the gas grenades phew good thing inen left a perfect 8we Supply behind when they cleared out this is T-Rex P how'd you get it you don't want to know because even the screenwriters don't know I'm astonished that you've lasted 8 weeks in this island yeah but the movie isn't Alan now that we're up in a tree the no yelling on Dinosaur Island rule is free to be abused even by dinosaur scientists man this movie really makes me miss Stan Winston Eric's always been a strong willed kid he probably would have found his way to Dinosaur Island without your permission I'm so sorry that you have to be here this is actress T Leone talking to William H Macy which got filmed and made the final cut the super smart Raptors who know these are here did not come back in the morning for vengeance or breakfast that's my dad's satellite phone later we find out this is inside the giant dinosaur so how the can he hear it from here also despite the fact that the satellite phone is shown here in a second to not be with the parents somehow this island is small enough that Eric's yelling could be heard by the par parents and the parents somehow couldn't hear the phone what the is going on there's nothing but jungle around them but they amazingly find each other in a giant clearing made explicitly for reunions my phone yeah your satellite phone where is it I don't have it well then that makes this the luckiest satellite phone call ever somehow the kid managed to hear it you guys all happened to be in virtually the same area when it began to ring and a dinosaur managed to eat it whole without breaking it making this reunion possible Spinosaurus managed to make it through the jungle without being heard until the satellite phone began ringing oh my God if that isn't the luckiest damn hole in the fence I've ever seen in my freaking life [Music] premature relaxation movie that just showed us that huge ass Dino crushing a metal fence like paper expects us to believe this door can hold it Allan you want to give me the bag back okay Billy I got it first off Billy is way too suspicious about this bag for someone who wants to keep its content secret second off Grant decides for no reason to Bear the burden to the bag just so we can have this scene about what's in the stupid bag rapx it's not a Jurassic Park movie if someone isn't trying to smuggle something Dino related off the island no seriously every movie I bet Jurassic world has some theme Park investor trying to smuggle a baby dyo inside a suitcase or some you watch steal Raptor X now it all makes sense what like the Raptors weren't going to attack you without the Raptor eggs since when the Raptors need a reason to go after you but I did it with the best intentions with the best intentions some of the worst things imaginable of being done with the best intentions you're right no more good intentions for me I'm swearing that off only evil intentions from here on out you're no better than the people that built this place damn I hate Billy but Jesus that's way over the top in harshness grant grant still thinks taking the only path left is a good idea after the first path he chose nearly killed it no one gives a pterodactyls the Jason Vorhees of dinosaurs also how in the did this thing fly around in land without anyone hearing it also you'd think we'd have seen one of these fers flying around the island during the movie but no they're all laying low for maximum surprise value I've been carrying the parachute Sho around with me the whole time you know just in case we got into this exact situation good thing I told that story about hang gliding earlier or else this would seem totally made up man it's amazing how the entire rest of this bridge that had that one part collapse right away has stayed intact for this race against Eric's Death guy who was just revealed as a selfish gets immediate chance to redeem himself because this screenwriter runs a tight ship a boring ship but tight the monodactylus out after throwing Eric to her young and allows this Escape all dinosaurs must slowly ston their human prey for fear of ending the movie too early go now hope you can swim well I wish I could say that was unexpected but at this point spectat dactyl thank God Mr Kirby learned to swim in the last year am I right also thank God for the audience's sake that that little anecdote from earlier paid off in some tiny insignificant way dactyl barely push his door open for dramatic effect which makes us think danger but it's really just so we can see them fly prettily to Freedom later which makes no sense because of the thing we talk about in the next SC okay so the pterodactyls have been living in Thunderdome this whole time but in the last movie they were flying around free and they're the only SS who could have killed the boat guys in the beginning so were they locked in this thing the whole time or are they free to come and go I really hope these kidnappers get a happy ending they're just the best aren't they I have a theory that there are two kinds of boys there are those that want to be astronomers and those that want to be astronauts for girls well they're lucky we even show them a telescope much less make a profession out of it this River takes them by a field of completely harmless and beautiful dinosaurs instead of a field of Raptors and T-rexes because even theing River bounced to the screenwriter's whim know something Dr Grant Billy was right about what well I made fun of the island for seeming too small earlier but damn how many hours down a river do these have to travel to reach theing Coast Darth mosur oh the irony the hateful fuing irony okay so it's almost 7:00 a.m. here and what we think is the Washington DC area after looking at a license plate earlier in the movie and we just saw these guys boating down the river when it was daytime this island is 207 Mi west of Costa Rica a country that operates in the central time zone and 207 Mi West ain't to the central time zone so is this movie saying they've been boating for so long it's nearly 6:00 a.m. where they are and totally dark outside they're only an hour behind Ellie so what the wait a second this cage was completely submerged in the water remember they were so underneath the water that the spinosaur couldn't find them so how did they hit the bottom of the river but still be able to go up for air hey in the middle of the terrible rainstorm the spinosaurus hears and falls for this distraction despite having a perfectly good victim in front of it Finding Nemo lighting underwater allows Dr Grant to find what he needs now I just need to figure out what light source could possibly penetrate the water this far far below during a rainstorm and more importantly where or what that light source even is you want me to last with the moon Mary this flare gun still works and the water apparently has some sort of Exxon spill on the surface or maybe it's just a comment on how dinosaurs became oil I'm not quite sure what to make of this actually angry dinosaur runs away completely instead of just around this patch of fire here and back at his intended target remember when we went fishing a couple of summers ago nope skip I definitely relove my ex-husband face they want the eggs do you think so she thinks she stole the eggs it's because she's a woman isn't it if this blows through one of these things and is actually able to talk to or confuse the Raptors I just might scream movie wants you to think the Raptor blow boox had something to do with the Escape when it was really just the chopper noises Ellie has the power to get the Navy and the Marines to come on a rescue mission she sent the Navy and the Marines well one sort of needs the other to get where they're going but I hear what you're saying thater lived also how did they find Billy before they found everyone else did they just get here pterodactyl have been nothing but raging murder Birds this whole movie but to facilitate a happy ending they're done with that now just looking for a new home is all pterodactyl waited a long goddamn time to try flying off the island I mean how long since the last movie also somehow the fourth movie will completely gloss over these Escape pterodactyls I guarantee it seriously these guys well at least it was short but hey those pterodactyls are totally going to kill everyone in San Diego now aren't they you mean election sideways citizen Ruth the About Schmidt and Nebraska Alexander Payne you mean most of those I just mentioned Jim Taylor too what the hell this is like when you find out JJ Abrams wrote Armageddon and you're like yeah but who really wrote this [Music] Allan you're still the best You're simply the best so recapping the Knights of the Golden Circle was a southern extremist group operating in the north to subvert Union forces Amanda hey I'm looking for Amanda huging kiss I came home like I always do and I went in the front door and I took off my coat and I put down my briefcase and I said honey I'm home only there was no one there there's a boat rescue boat no no something left behind but it floats they float they [Music] FL Oh Billy I can show you the world shining shimmering

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: eww, cinema sins, cinemasins, everything wrong with, everything wrong with Jurassic Park III, wave jockey job, jurassic park III review, Jurassic Park III (Film), review, movie review

Id: BT5W4zllhCo

Length: 16min 7sec (967 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 04 2015