Everything Wrong With Hulk In 14 Minutes Or Less

opening credits of scientific wonderment what you mean eat drink man woman Angley you mean ice storm Angley sounds insensibility Angley this is like getting Mike Trout to bunt everything you need to know science words confusion excitement poison violence labeled poison instead of the specific name of whatever poison it is negating the purpose of a label scientists running out of time or funding test his theories on himself cliche yep welcome to angley's Hulk everyone it's a comic book movie and a Terrence Malick movie all rolled into one so eight David Banner saw his son skin turned green when he took the pacifier out but I guess Bruce never got angry again after that or his mom never noticed the worrisome green color appearing on his skin either that or she's the best mom ever and the kid never once got angry around her irony oh you got alone with the first wave of big comic-book movies back in the day always looking to recreate comic book panels somehow so you knew you were watching a comic book movie in the event of a nuclear meltdown get under the table it's even better than the Indiana Jones fridge repressed memories super Yura has dead parents cliche main character introduced via shaving scene cliche what the hell is he going that requires he ride a bike up the lonely mountain original honk is now a mere security guard and look Marvel Stan Lee everyone it's 2003 so I'm sure this will be one of his very rare cameos so make sure you get a good look hey you know what Jennifer Connelly I have no clue who you hate but I hate them too just to buy a product of my inexplicable obsession that's emotionally Justin then skip this movie everyone will immediately hate brought to you by a computer company most of those same people already hate so all is right with the world I see loop the song rated this movie's animal footage when he made Lucy you know what kind of dignity and at least respect the hell out of Ann leaf or at least trying to create something interesting with a visual presentation once an removed Kermit murdered I'm just saying you know frogs start falling from the sky who do they come to Paul Thomas Anderson 20 minutes in and this girl's most defining characteristic is that she's been in a relationship with seemingly every important male character in this movie it concerns your daughters oh man a comic book trifecta the scientists two experiments on himself the superheros parents are dead and the love interest just happens to be the resident hard-ass his daughter Bruce Banner somehow got into his possession a Harry Potter photograph most photogenic couple ever somehow failed to give this movie even a tiny spark do you think it's just a dream considering that they were here when this story began it took a really long time for Betty to tell Bruce that she remembers having ice cream with her father and him getting called away from the ice cream shop Jesus both these kids have repressed memories about what happened that day it's a good thing they were inexplicably drawn to each other as adults so that they could help each other remember movie suddenly turns into the Time Traveler's Wife also this is a five back of someone else's memory all based on a photograph from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets that was a two and a half minute flashback man glad you could join us back in the present are you gonna be home Kenny time soon what is with the damn tree fetish in this movie don't mind me I'm just standing outside looking at your window for no reason with three well-trained dogs this is meant to make you wonder if he was even out there but I assure you nick nolte has the power to vanish or even teleport you might even be behind you right now this article is really about DNA and stuff that gives scientists hard-ons only problem is the article repeats itself in the paragraph below this picture making journalists lose theirs what you might as well have said Bruce I am your father wait was a highly trained scientist just working on something electrical without locking out and tagging out OSHA is gonna be pissed but good for the plot since the resulting gamma radiation is what Bruce needs to finally become the character promised by this title remember my bad knee that's my good name wouldn't you now not have any particular good knee after this gamma blast aren't both knees equally good lizards jellyfish more frog murder fungi the earth now I understand everything how the [ __ ] did you get dogs in here and there was not Krenzel oh it's banner holy Sh I'm barely registering the nick nolte and the three dogs after I just woke up much less my real name so why don't you explain the Nick Nolte first and we'll go from there chief and put me away for 30 years just enough time for me to get out right before your big honks ient if ik breakthrough a moment funny thing is he called me ah another eating establishment make sure you don't get the ice cream Betty that's the dessert of abandonment Bruce starts thinking and rapidly edited montage complete with different film stock and exposures okay so why is he getting this angry again yeah yeah you Avengers fans are gonna reply well he's always angry and while that's a fun line from a completely different actor nine years after this movie in a time when Avengers was just a dream this makes no sense he gets a visit from his dad leaves the hospital draws his own blood and then thinks about stuff and becomes a drunken stepfather he has no reason to be angry maybe sad confused where does this come from Willy realizes bana needs to turn into the Hulk or else it's just a story about two scientists with repressed memories who banged in a sex cabin one weekend as always Banner managed to buy the genes that could expand several waist lines whenever honking occurs in Lee lit destruction gets separated into multiple panels so you can feel like you're reading a comic book underneath the covers past your bedtime without a flashlight Atlas Shrugged the difference between super hero and super villain is throwing a big scientific thingy outside and missing a cop by a couple of feet or you know one bad decision if you're a cop in Fast & Furious the don't jump off the building in a rage come straight home and go to bed how did no one see it how can you be a rage monster destroying everything in sight and suddenly feel the need to go to sleep I wonder how much money Pepsi spent to get amp energy drink in this movie over Monster Energy so you wanna know what's wrong with him they'd fix him change him I guess David Banner learned a bunch from magneto while in prison I was always told my father was dead don't play with me four years old you shot Ross expects Bruce to remember something just because he was four and expects him to know what it is second of all it sounds like you saw it too mister military man is it at all which would mean your memories of this event are far and away superior to Bruce's they're also pretty terrible at your job if you can't find the man your daughter just visit it or find him in the same way she did employment records at the lab I'm just saying one more time oh the world just flipped into reverse but you guys feel that but you live for the rest your natural life peak reenact okay I'm guessing they get the go-getter part but let nothing stand in your way part it's kind of lost on dogs I'm assuming and as for Betty I'm sending her surprise visit from some four-legged friends of mine they picked up her scent from some clothing and will somehow find her from my place to Hertz miles and miles away Glenn is maniacally angry at some bulls so that he can stimulate Bruce's rage meter to honk out again Talbot survives this all cuz that dick to his neighbor's here you won't be able to understand this better if I lift you and set you on the hood of this car this is not Mark Ruffalo wait how did the dogs make it this far tracking her scent did she walk all the way here through the woods she drove in a car ring so she'd have to leave behind a trail of skin cells or perspiration while in that car that a dog could somehow track outside from David's house okay I bet the dogs gave up and made a few phone calls to find this address why doesn't the movie show the dogs on peds jump completely over the pond in one shot when it dropped this way and cut like this it's easy to forget they just jumped over an entire body of water I'm sure there were special effects problems but these dogs abilities are completely neutered by cutting it like this also of all the bad decisions this movie made Hulk dogs was one of the most bad Paul punches this dog in the dick but just think the special effects person had to specifically create balls on this dog so that you could barely see it in a darkly lit blink and you'll miss shot they spent hours on balls and it lasts a second mostly boring Hulk movie abruptly goes full scooby-doo at the halfway point with Hulk dogs maybe worse than the bat nipples people I'm talking stupid does not play on film at all wait how did the dogs get onto trees that are ahead of home mid jump after they collided with each other at this point these dogs are simply annoying they pose no real threat to Hulk so this is masturbation why can't the souped-up dog break into this car dog disappears into a green cloud of smoke as it flies in midair I guess it ran it hit points all during this fight the movie constantly cuts back to Jennifer Connelly's reaction shots as if her agent made it clear to angley that she must be accounted for every two seconds in any scene she's in so the first time Bruce hulked out he went to bed with his always fitting no matter what jeans but now he's somehow fallen out of them because it's more realistic that way Oh Bruce always better to find out beforehand that your partner is into auto-erotic asphyxiation I'm scared I need your help snitches get stitches Betty movie inspires Iron Man to set a lot of action in a desert military porn no one will be seated during the exciting Bruce Banner is transported by military vehicles see then why did you call her dad and represent you of all people should have known help was not in your father's agenda looks like they decided to use the guerrilla footage of Nick Nolte in his trailer oh so the gamma radiation turned David Banner into the t1000 David's new power helps murder the security guard in an entirely random manner targa believe he thought i'll fuse with the grading floor trip him up and then bludgeon him with a machine i've also fused on to it's almost too easy or that Indiana Jones survived in that bridge this is my glasses man how the [ __ ] would she know we spent an entire two minutes on this damn scene and over an hour getting to it you'd better remember something damn it damn it he didn't remember something tell it actually wants him to turn into the Hulk while locked inside a small room with it can you actually tell your biological self not to get angry even if everything inside you says get angry I did welcome back wait how did he know she'd be here how long was he waiting why was she staying at the cabin during the whole smashes dog scene this seems like location convenience for everything plot and action related but I have good god this movie is nothing but flashbacks this is the worst of origin stories when you have to sit through mounds of exposition and contemplation to get to the [ __ ] thing you came to see the movie fool and even when we have seen the Hulk in this movie it's some sort of total [ __ ] that was basically made up on the spot it was she nice well that's generally what happens during a stabbing this distant nuclear testing explosion is green because Hulk Ben no that must be some jumbo nightmare you just had you mean you remembered what happened to him at the exact same time his dad was telling the story inconceivable I may not realize what I've gotten myself into face no wonder this company can't get anything done right they're sitting around watching home cartoons all day it's the comic books come to life on the big screen to look like the comic books again though the entire facility not earlier when Hulk first got free but now after he's already killed some fools why don't you use the containment foam again because he broke out of it unusual circumstances I know but it's a total failure the guy who invented it has been fired so why the fruitless bullets shut your mouth that's why he's supposed to be three different reaction shots from Ross while his soldiers failed to take down the Hulk but we're still hearing the bullets in real time so I'm confused this is like three continuity errors all in the same shot most of the time these panels are worthless they need a wide shot of the guy shooting with two close-ups of the same guy shooting this makes me wonder what Brian DePalma would have done with this movie this is still working this is also very Iron Man like did Jon Favreau watch lots and lots of pulp before making Iron Man Hulk flashback or should I say smash back yeah probably not no well now wait a minute those literally are the Jericho missiles from the first Iron Man movie these two movies started out as the same script punk murder that's cute but the show will never fit through the now bent barrel so this is more of a symbolic gesture than anything else oh well I guess it's okay Hulk did that now that we see this guy is completely okay after being slung 300 yards in a tank but what about his buddies though movie sweeps their deaths under the rug mr. president I have some bad news sir damn did this have to happen during the president's fishing trip that's bad timing and makes him look so foolish wait 2003 I think I get it now it's a bird it's a plane it's soup wise every part of him green except the nipples which are purple score for this scene provided by Sting and that one algerian singer who sang a duet with him on that one song that was kind of popular initiate an immediate evacuation the vicinity of grid coordinates shakes five we suspect the halt may be located near penis and to vagina Rock right right that geological shrine to threesomes you got it you're not a fun guy in this movie could cure all diseases so far guns and tanks haven't been able to take this guy down the best thing has been that containment foam but it doesn't exist anymore maybe helicopters yeah we'll try helicopters today I learned you can bite the explosive head off a missile without it exploding but when you spit it at a helicopter that explodes immediately Hulk jumps past helpful signs that update us on his progress oh yeah you knew who couldn't pass up the Golden Gate Bridge in this trip to San Francisco it's known as the monument that attracts mutants of all ages hmm for a movie Marvel doesn't seem to want to acknowledge this movie sure inspired a lot of modern marvel movie moments oh it's that Carl Union thing we are two people related the stream symbolizes a lot mostly obvious Ness why the hell can he get out from under the road he's the Hulk he eventually gets out but why does he spend all this time destroying the streets of San Francisco so it's King Kong basically the thinnest transformation doesn't leave him naked this time meantime if he does anything but sit there in that chair and turn on the juice he'll be incinerated immediately Jesus that is a ton of exposition to the person who knows exactly what will happen when you turn on the juice as far as Bruce plays the pronoun game so that his dad will have to figure out who her is I still won't tell you your mother's goddamn name Oh what do you know electricity makes him stronger I guess we couldn't get enough of this later when we saw Doctor Doom in electro more worthless shooting I have nightmares about impotent gunfire it might be a Freudian type dream but I think it's literal sir I've located them on radar paralyzed because we definitely have the ability to stop him this time you think you can live with it take it at this point I don't know why David isn't content being the mutinies become guy can turn into anything he wants yeah he wants the whole power for some reason I guess to rob banks probably to rob banks but this frog definitely enjoys it when bruises angry also the movie cuts away dramatically because the guy's stealing medicine is definitely going to get his comeuppance but considering the two hours of 12 minutes I just sat through basically nothing the fact that they don't show Hulk using his powers for good is a real letdown just you me your balls in this drawer [Music] [Music] you should be getting worse getting better it's not that easy being green having to spend each day the color of the leaves your hostesses unit is how all the files of the whole park it tells you everything

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,950,275

Keywords: everything wrong with hulk, Hulk (Comic Book Character), hulk movie, cinemasins, movie review, ang lee, everything wrong with, cinema sins hulk, wave jockey job, cinema sins, eww

Id: yBodAomTA2o

Length: 14min 25sec (865 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2015