Everything Wrong With Blade: Trinity In 16 Minutes Or Less

I guess part of the reason we keep enduring these opening production logos is because all these companies know they are temporary bound to die off at some point so the production logo is really the only permanent stamp of creation you can make on a film in the movies Dracula wears a cape and some Old English guy always manages to save the day the narration also the fact that it's Ryan Reynolds doing it makes me feel like this is a Deadpool movie and it isn't and I'm forlorn but everybody knows the movies have fully sins the word you were looking for was since doesn't get much more David Goyer than a shot of a vampire flipping off the Sun it's already been established in previous blade movies that these vampires see really well in the dark then why the glow sticks as a vampire rave about to break out do these four not have coms of any sort why is nobody said a word since they landed it's not like I have to be quiet to avoid detection so why here because this is the cradle of civilization he would have been comfortable here Posey's position the people who suffer from this disease are anemic they become intolerant to sunlight they can't handle garlic as if the talk show is exposition cliche isn't enough movie Wikipedia is us for a full five minutes with nothing but words this is a blade movie ranked pretty sure we're here to see exploding heads not talking once now that's the guy I want to hear but I want to hear about this character blade or maybe even see him in action at some point you do eventually have a blade appearance in your blade movie right because nothing keeps the momentum of the action going better than pausing every few seconds for another stylized movie title okay Wesley I want you to kill some vampires pose for a title credit even though no one is around to see you and run to the next thing is blade doing a pirouette jump here there's no one to impress and even as a flourish it's simply not that cool even though there appears to be no ramp of any kind in the back of the truck blades car somehow jumps over the car outside instead of slamming right into it late Trinity doesn't know how to physics also is this how blade gets his vehicle didn't you have to drive to the vampire warehouse he just blew up why not leave a car there also also he's somehow got that car out of there in three seconds flat that's barely enough time to start it let alone release it from whatever secured it to the truck it puts secured to the trap right Harley Davidson pulls the gun out of his jacket turns around and fires away without the motorcycle even veering a bit he should have skidded out and wound up on the bottom side of one of the cars currently speeding through the tunnel this works automobile deaths in America would quadruple if the doors on cars actually opened as easily as they do in movies you could let the ultraviolet light burn your face off or you could you know duck also blade probably should have led with this in fact why not just drive around with the UV headlights on always staked you with silver wowed you ash he's human it's obvious how would you not assume that as soon as he didn't disintegrate how dull is this plate also I'm surprised that doesn't actually happen more often it's not like blade is out there checking vampire ID when he goes on these rampages and he has no problem killing familiars how has he not accidentally killed several humans before not a vampire dumb said you're sorry yes wait what why would they want to set up plate let's clear the cops are already after him from the awkward Chief of Police TV interview from earlier people want to be concerned they should focus in on characters like this blade criminal and yet this guy gets steak for no reason also how exactly did she know this chase and crash would end exactly here's if she could get the perfect angle on this setup also also why did he even have fake teeth in it's not like blade could have seen them until now oh wait a second did he do a second take for originally that spotlight followed him quiet a long way as he ran but now it almost immediately heads back to the body some friends of mine made it friends yeah you remember those actually that's a valid question in the previous two films Whistler has been on the level of a man with no name loner where the [ __ ] did these friends come from did they videotape the warehouse explosion - how did the police know that the fire had anything to do with blade when it happened several miles away change of plan Wilson I don't take these Cowboys down what is he talking about he said he had a lead which he never explains then says he wants to take down Cowboys when I thought he was just after blade who are these guys and why did the scene happen the humans have a new hunter and you'd like me to kill him wouldn't you yes so Dracula was raised just to kill blade they couldn't find any other option than raising Dracula how about just get 10 large vamps and have them attack blade all at once instead of one at the time subject is heading west got him if blade and Abraham Whistler vampire hunter have been so good at hiding out until now how did they find them this easy can play don't you see what they're doing they're waging a goddamn PR campaign don't you miss the old pre Blade & underworld days when vampires just ate people no guns no political sabotage just eight people you worry too much oh that's why we're still alive god dammit well that and blades vampire-killing super skills but sure was look I bet you're worrying helped out a bit too I see you alone surrounded by enemies it breaks my heart movie tries to pull a motion from us when the extent of wesley snipes mo ting range is this pre twilight whiny teenage vampires still just as annoyed cheetos are delicious somehow abigail has mastered the perfect costuming to lead vampires in her trap also how does no one believe in vampires in a world where vampires are this brazenly vampire in public places extremely public place is suddenly empty so very bad things can happen cliche even in 2004 we're just buying a loaf of French bread and head of lettuce and nothing wrapped around it it's ecoli in a bag vamp hole number four is knocked out behind her so he can join the fight later so why doesn't she quickly finish him off with her knife boot before walking all the way across to face vamp hole number three now to get even knocks this douche power down several times and has plenty of time to finish him off but continues to let him get up for someone so intent on killing vampire she doesn't seem to be in any hurry this movie is so badass that even the thirty second meditation scene we've all been clamoring for needs to be seen from three different angles what is it what's to worry about the window the chain-link wall the moon blade is at the moon Whistler has sensitive information on four different computers has he never heard of multiple hard drives unless of course he's just clearing his browser history in which case carry on good soldier considering helmet pique blade for killing a human Whistler clearly has no issue blowing away cops after two movies and some change seems like a pretty bland way for Whistler to go out however you can also argue Kristofferson got out of this easy by not having to be part of the rest of the film did blade just go super saying don't shoot whatever happened to make up your mind feds such grimacing so emotion and what about garlic does that work on hand do vampires do you need like saffron some going with the old bad cop bad cop routine I see I'm not the president you know that is if not Kanye can catch you up to speed I think somebody here wants to talk about vampires is making fun of your patient a way to get him to open up I don't think Dr Vance knows the difference between talking to a grown adult and a small child delicious physical intimacy very sweet taste skin sounds good to me Wow I'm going to the wrong psychiatrist [Music] lazy screenwriters oh you've got badges and Wow just come on through no need to sign-in or anything this seems like a lot of rigmarole for nothing is it really that hard to get blade out in the open have some vampires attack some humans and he shows up pants boner police station has video game little holes where the officers conveniently come out one at a time oh look 7th heaven is join the party with no explanation or introduction to the scene play dead good on really movie it's not like they ducked a punch and hit someone else they dodged bullets and for some reason both sides keep shooting at each other what was their thought process well I know those guys at the other end of the hall aren't who we originally were shooting at but oh well once you pop arrows may glance off things but they do not ricochet headfirst in a completely different direction it's literally part of the design to go straight as anywhere why are they running away from Abigail they could shoot her while she's setting up her bow good thing she also had a power drill arrow in her quill of tricks and somehow knew to load it up before she even saw she was shooting through a door conveniently slow police force waits until the obvious getaway car is already getting away before police force instead of loading up a vampire kill arrow with a chick from Stealth decides to put Triple H in an app instead where he can dream of having the ROC's career in Flintstones chewable steroids whistlers daughter a lesser-known painting for sure but still worth a pretty penny at auction we call ourselves the night stalkers sounds like rejects from the Saturday morning cartoon actually a comic run of a teen issues in the 90s but semantics what do amateur supposed to be helping me careful blade as the old vampire saying goes don't bite the neck that frees you you think this is a sitcom unfortunately no even with Ryan Reynolds we are still short one guy one girl in a pizza place okay first off that's just rude second I'm pretty sure we saved your ass back there Hannibal Lecter you also should have just decapitated blade when he was in restraints at the police station but you seem to want to keep this rivalry going for a bit longer has he been told about your failure all right Prison Break here who has a total of 15 seconds of screen time and the entire first half of this movie is the actual villain why did you break him out if he was just gonna hang back at the camp the whole time my name is danica Tallis you met her earlier Hannibal apparently has a doom camera on his gun in case he needs to give exposition later unlike typical vampires her fangs are located in her vagina damp china dentata Sommerfeld managed to treatment the cure and now I kill them hold up wait there's a cure that changes everything right shouldn't he be saving some vampires man instead of killing them all willy-nilly normal comics exist in a Marvel movie with Ryan Reynolds this really might be a Deadpool prequel it's a piece of with we were able to extrapolate a basic idea of what this there look like check this out you were able to extrapolate all that from that tiny piece of armor are you psychic did it have a product ID number on it did you find it encased in amber nobody really knows the specifics of his origin but we do know this he was the first of his kind that seems really specific and according to our information they found him in Iraq about six months ago six freaking months ago six months Drake's been out for six months and hasn't done has he just been sitting around eating Oreo thins and prostitutes what gives Oh Vancouver postal code either the hotbed of vampire activity is in British Columbia or someone accidentally gave away their filming location hey guy she's talking to you apparently customer service is not something they teach at vampire tchotchke store training school for you sighted people here's a little show-and-tell line exists only to make sure we quickly know that Sommerfeld is blind apparently orange is the new forced exposition electronic pistol comes in a variety of tasty calibers I like Patton Oswalt as much as the next guy but for the love of ratatouille does every freakin movie need a cube this bad boys half as hot as the Sun it can cut through vampires like a knife through butter who doesn't want a little vampire butter on their toast in the morning but did you just say half as hot as the Sun the Sun that's like 5,000 degrees I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure 5,000 degrees it's not something you could hold near you and still have any skin left in the morning weakest link the bad part chain-of-command has always been their familias movie feels the need to explain things like familiars fine but having blade explained it to Hannibal who would 100% know what these are makes no sense the night stalkers brought to you by GMC movie builds up invincible all-powerful villain and the first time he's confronted he runs away sprinting sprinting sprinting ah jogging that family wants wife two daughters we interrupt this touching Whistler family flashback to ask where the hell all this blood came from considering when we saw Abigail just a few seconds ago her skin was pristine is this not the largest shower in the history of showers the shower is so huge they could wash their cars in it or some elephants or Wesley Snipes tax bill tech polymerase Oh Meryl growth supplement genetic sequencing enzymes what are fancy sounding science words that mean nothing to the audience I'll take MacGuffins for 800 Alex there's an old saying go one man you're a murderer Philip million I can't kill them all Oh God or just simply a mass murder I'll just enjoy more you will enjoy it more unless of course you literally mean you are better skilled at enjoying it vampires decided that hunting humans on a piecemeal basis was too inefficient why kill you afraid when you can keep them alive thirty seconds ago he had to be threatened with death to even let them in but now he's spilling secrets like some sort of exposition machine time changes all men I suppose shut down password what is it harvest because every complex and clandestine system can be quickly and easily shut down with one seven letter password that even the unimportant night attendant knows maybe don't have the blind person on monitor watch Howard Dracula even know anything about Whistler and why the subterfuge what does it matter who he goes in it would have made more sense to disguise himself as blade if you yell a little louder you can make for absolute certain the intruder you're asking her to hide from knows she's here knew that Dracula was also the first serial killer who wax poetic with notes left behind in blood why didn't they kill Hannibal was Dracula where that if this made enough money they might need him back for a sequel papyrus no one's told a good fatty acid joke since well never are we sure gory actually wrote the first two blade movies or did Stephen Norrington and guillermo del toro just cut all the sitcom shenanigans we've already seen that Legolas here is good with a bow and arrow so do we really need an EDM archery training montage ninety minutes into the film just started reading the Emerald City of Oz Nome King it's Sommerfeld recording a new video every time they finish one of the Oz books also Nome shadowing what could remain a child forever wouldn't you like that wouldn't you accept that gift but she wouldn't remain a child forever in the first film Whistler explains that the vampires age just slower than humans no better way to get me pumped for a big action scene then slow-mo close-ups of guns belt buckles and iPod playlists this vampire hunting scene is gonna be also this fighting montage playlist contains no Joe Esposito but they set up automated circling mood lighting for this interrogation those vampires really know how to do things right spare no expense if they hadn't waited over an hour and a half to tell Ryan Reynolds this nothing else played Trinity proves how annoying and unwatchable Deadpool could have been juggling thunder Oh pop quiz hotshot these headphones are impractical because hey you shouldn't take the time to put them on when you are already in a danger zone B there's no way they actually stay in during a fight C you're just asking for an arrow to snag on them every time you grab one or D it's all of them [ __ ] leave the stupid headphones back at base camp Hannibal was freed and given his stuff over ten minutes ago did he have to take a bathroom break where is he been so he fights human vampires with no problem but runs away from the dog version someone's fear priorities are all messed up why does he assume they're dead if they truly are vampires shouldn't you have to use silver to put them down a [ __ ] you seen my dog do the triple ages stand for heavy-handed histrionics because I haven't seen overacting like this since my college production of trip to bountiful these obvious air punches are as fake as that Norway scene and thor ragnarok king's fighting a giant pro wrestler and these two a swashbuckling and I'm one I owe Caine powder reference away from calling this a princess Brian sequel I'll just wait to go fold Dracula for this moment right now because reasons actually think those punches would work you only have one shot with this arrow and you can't pick a spot where you don't have to shoot it through glass so the formula mixes with Dracula's DNA and causes an airborne toxin that will eventually kill all vampires but winds eventually are the night stalkers just gonna retire and let the virus do its thing while more vampire killing continues and what about the blood pumping facilities or what this does to blade this movie definitely does not have an ending [Music] [Applause] [Music] friends you remember those King Kong ain't got the Babylonians worshipped him as Dagon and now they call him Drake might go down a GOG there's an old saying I know it's in Texas probably Tennessee this fool me once shame on the shame on you it fool me can't get fooled again

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,201,469

Keywords: cinemasins, blade, movie, cinema sins, wave jockey job, eww, ryan reynolds, jessica biel, trinity, mistakes, blade trinity, everything wrong with, review

Id: Z_vvCIcJuSI

Length: 16min 29sec (989 seconds)

Published: Tue May 15 2018