Ep. 110 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

my first thought in my head is I'm going to come way too fast and I don't want to share that embarrassment with a stranger yeah like I'd rather if I like that's why I like having sex with Leanna because if I [ __ ] up she's not gonna call me on it 100. literally at least once a day sometimes two and three times a day I open a liquid IV pack and I pour it in to a 16 ounce bottle or a glass of water and I'm telling you you're getting incredible hydration and prepping yourself if you're working out if you're if you're stressing yourself out in any way if you're going on doing any type of cardio or workout you need to hydrate yourself and especially by the way as the months get cooler people start drinking less water and that's an easy way to get super dehydrated also helps to boost your immune system as we're going in the flu season it's very important I'm a huge huge fan of liquid IV one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone 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satva saatva.com the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice if you like memory foam they have that it's a brand Lumen Leaf under their umbrella you can get a sew layer that moves up and down and vibrates or you can get the traditional amazing side of a luxury firm mattress the kind you would find in a five-star hotel go to satva saatva.com the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice we have two drastically different styles today very different yeah I look like more like hip-hop and you look more hey kids stop throwing the balls down the lanes I think you're more like a guy in jail but in the 1950s movie dude you know let's talk about jail yeah I've been a little fascinated by jail it you've been arrested you don't know if you've been arrested no I've never no I've never been arrested and booked I've been handcuffed and put in the back of my car before yeah I've never been arrested me too you've been never been arrested never been arrested been put in the back of a car before do you think that's the next form of privilege of people going like going like oh yeah but you've never been arrested Check Your Privilege you're like oh [ __ ] I should have arrested yeah I've been arrested she went to jail she went to jail yeah before uh sodomizing a child no kidding [Music] uh no she's uh she uh DUI how old 17. it's a good age to get one you know maybe a little older no no probably older her uncle was in jail with her isn't that crazy no he was also arrested yeah heroin I think there's a cute little hat you like it it doesn't fit my head very well so I have to wear it like cool it's been very cool yeah it's my new it's my new style uh what did you get put in the back of the was it in Tallahassee no uh no and I never I almost got put in the back of a cop car in Tallahassee I bet um I uh it was in ninth grade ninth grade yeah and they just opened up this place called Hyde Park and my friends were I think we're breaking into cars I did not know that I was unaware of it I thought we were drinking and they were just looking to see if cars were unlocked and uh and I was oblivious to it I was totally oblivious to it and they the cops came like over by the movie theater the cops came up to us and my friends ran and I didn't run so I was like I hadn't done anything and then they were like all right hands on the wall and then they frisked us and I was like what is this for and they're like you were breaking into cars I was like no I wasn't then they handcuffed me put me in the back of a cop car and my dad's my one of my dad's friends walked by and saw me in the back of the cop car he's like bird are you okay and I was like I didn't do anything and then they let me go I was like I I really didn't do anything yeah but do you ever think about going to jail do you think there'd be a point where you'd start going hey man this is what it is you know [ __ ] it yeah after a while sure yeah but it wouldn't be right away I'd have a panic attack I got accidentally locked into jail cell in Alcatraz and they closed it and they locked it and it broke and they were like oh we're having a hard time getting it open on a tour no it was a private tour it was when I worked on Travel Channel and I had a [ __ ] full-blown panic attack yeah do you think you'd care about your weight in prison um like do you think you'd be like um I just want to get in shape or do you think you'd be like it might be it might be a thing that you really latch on to because it's you got to find something to you know motivate you oh I'd be so unmotivated in prison I would love to talk to an unmotivated prisoner there's a few who's just like you find him he's like no man I don't even shower anymore yeah for sure keep your ass all shitty so no one wants to [ __ ] it do you think do you think um she goes crazy in Alcatraz I didn't have showers they just had baths did you read that thing when I got the uh when I did the Alcatraz tour they were took us to the infirmary yeah and they showed us they're like uh uh they said Al Capone had a beef with this one guy and this guy had had just had surgery so Capone went up to him while he was recovering and uh that you know he was like not this is like the [ __ ] 30s or whatever right yeah he goes Capone tickled his feet so that the guy would move even though he was he was like stop stop like I don't wanna I don't want to move you know I'm just recovering from the surgery and then um and then the guy like started was asking him stop stop and then Capone punched him in the stomach can I tell you what's crazy I got such a stories written there it's written in there that's so crazy I got such a different story about Al Capone uh being there we did a private tour and they were and I was like they said he's a son of a [ __ ] I got a very different story really yes they said to me is is his syphilis had kicked in so heavy oh that he was [ __ ] useless he'd cry and he'd Shuffle his feet and he had one eye that was frozen in One Direction that's at the very end no that's when he got to Alcatraz they were like yeah and he like he gave up and he told the told the um prison guy he told the the warden and by the way I just listened to that thing on Alcatraz so I'm trying to think I'm mixing both of them but they both tours made Alcatraz Al Capone Alcatraz Alcatraz it is called Alcatraz it is Alcatraz Al Capone Al Capone do you think they're like Al Capone you're going to Alcatraz I think they probably did no and so like the stories I got about Al Capone did you wait when did you do this tour 2005. oh so you did it with a big group of people I mean yeah I did it with just one guy dude it was [ __ ] awesome it was it was awesome and then and then I called the ghost adventurers I called Zach Baggins and I was like hey man I want to get spooked like I want to get really spooked and he goes okay here's what you do separate from everyone don't tell anyone separate from everyone go find yourself a place and sit there by yourself and welcome in spirits so I separate from the group we're over by uh I think we're below the infirmary in in solitary confinement and I separate from the group and I go to one of the solitary confinement cells and I get in and I shut the door and I sit in the corner I go I'm here if anyone's in here come talk to me and all of a sudden I see a [ __ ] like a red beam like a dunk and I go oh get the [ __ ] out of here and I [ __ ] and I got chill bumps I got cold and I got out and they were like yeah yeah that's the and I I was like I completely felt like I got I got raped by by a ghost Yeah by a ghost I used to feel like I [ __ ] ghost about when I was a kid used to feel like you [ __ ] them yeah ghosts would [ __ ] me the ghost would [ __ ] you I would so when I was a kid this is I'm about to sound like a lunatic when I was a kid I would get I would have like almost like I'm sure I've talked about this somewhere else because this was like a really big thing for me yeah I would get I was almost like uh lucid dreaming yeah and I would I would notice that I was in my bed okay I was in my bed I I would feel myself dreaming that I'm in my bed and then there would be a very big heaviness on my body like something was holding me down and then always it would start [ __ ] me and like it not [ __ ] me I would [ __ ] it but it was like a woman ghost she would ride my [ __ ] and I'd blow loads yeah in your dream in in real life in real life and would you finish yourself off nope it just would happen it was a nocturnal emission so that's how my my wet dreams were when I was a kid so it was a dream it was yes it was a no I think a ghost [ __ ] me but like I'm being dead serious I would have those by when I had a wet dreams as a kid it was a ghost would like I would it was almost like it was like dude you know do you ever have a wet dream that that was you thought really was real for a second like I remember I thought I had [ __ ] this girl in high school that that I really wanted to [ __ ] so bad yeah and in the dream I'm [ __ ] her and then I bust a nut and I was like this is so great and then I woke up and just felt like such a sad because I should never get hurt yeah yeah the thing is is a woman has a dream about having sex with you yeah she will [ __ ] you right so there's there's this girl there was this girl in college I think her name was Caroline or something I did a photo shoot with this girl with the girl that you [ __ ] in your dream yeah can I see her we were 17 or 16. but was you gotta she on you Instagram now I want to see what she looks like now oh I see what you mean uh I'll look for okay yeah I like looking at pictures of like it's kind of fun when people show you uh people they [ __ ] but now the AJR now yeah and then you're like oh who does the bullet yeah yeah or you're like that's not bad I got one someone texted me the other day and he's like did you [ __ ] this chick and I was like yeah and he was like dude nice I had one that came to a show where I was like for real yeah like and I I don't think I hit it much either [ __ ] you've been eating all the clam chowder huh when did you come out as fat all right I'm gonna pull up I'm gonna pull up I'm gonna pull up chicks that I've had sex with on Instagram wait what are they doing what are they doing hey oh I got something to show you you didn't hey go to my um go to my Instagram oh my God I just realized I just realized what the thing you did to the girl that came to your show the girls I [ __ ] do when they see me oh they're like oh my God look at this guy I [ __ ] they're like whoa God damn it how big is his face look what I did for you the second one there oh says hi Bert and there's this there's slides you can go ahead and click the different oh that's perfect Tom a different stairwell picks for you can I tell you we almost I love these guess what what there's a whole series of them coming out are you serious yeah just in different stairwells yeah I think there might be a coffee table book Tom and stairwells yeah look at that one that's my favorite one yeah I liked when you were doing this with one foot oh yeah yeah yeah I mean hey hey yeah who's that dude that looks like uh the black dude I'm Shine Unk shine yeah he's in Lafayette I flew there to for the live show a knife he's very very cool oh is he the coolest really how did you how did you can you can you go to his Instagram just so Bert has an idea of what happens there oh [ __ ] you can go from my page like the actual yeah click him it's in the description there there he is yeah uh so those are not the same video okay no they're all different video what is what is he doing just telling stories stuff like that for real for real it's all the same videos that day he feels inspired and he puts something up you know and then sometimes he breaks it up but hey there he broke it up there you know interesting it's interesting who we follow on Instagram that are very different all my all my Instagram what's can I see your Instagram suggestions oh yeah like I want to see how close look at this oh [ __ ] the dog or uh and he has horrible [ __ ] reception oh I'm getting horrible reception out here it's funny I see pictures of my face like this is a big one I get anything with holes in it so I'm just obsessed with those little holes you do love holes any pimple popping a lot of pimple popping uh Puerto Rican dudes getting their beards shaved watches I got a lot of snow skis a lot of watches yeah a lot of watches ear stuff coming out of people's ears oh like the air cleaning stuff yeah that's pretty cool can I tell you I'm really fascinated by um the the uh the thing going on in online where people don't speak they just lip sync you like this no no I find it interesting that they look for something that is how they feel and then they lip sync how they feel as opposed to tell you how they feel yeah such an interesting such an interesting representation of art to feel something right so you feel like uh you feel like um like uh like like you're not for everybody right right like you feel that way and then you then you go and you find a clip of someone going just so you know I'm not for everybody then you lip sync yourself going you know everybody yeah and then as opposed to just saying just so you know I'm not for it's a lot of work right to get there yeah yeah and it's but they went maybe there's something in the um the feeling of of the fact that you're lip syncing it is telling people other people feel this way it's not just me right so it empowers you to a degree I think I don't know I saw one it was like a black chick it was a white chick but she was lip syncing over a black chick's voice oh we're back to these and I was like I was like [ __ ] I was like this woman's doing a horrific impression and then I realized oh it's a lip sync video it's a lip sync video there's one woman I follow uh there's one one I follow that all she does is lip sync videos but it's like and she's like a millionaire I guess and from doing that I guess you became a millionaire from lip syncing yeah I'm not gonna call her out I think I'm I I think her husband's famous so last week you came out as fat and uh you you wanted to talk about fat face versus skinny face dude I gotta be honest with you I was looking at videos of two bears one cave one and I was like I was like I think I like my face fatter than skinnier really yeah because I don't think I like my face skinny how come I think it just doesn't look healthy it looks like like oh are you sick like that kind of face really like gaunt like well your face looks good skinnier oh it's way better so your face is way better skinnier I think my face is better fatter do you think pull up my pull up a picture of my of my face skinny I already have one of my space fat it's this okay so no that no that's me as a child not I'm not saying like a child I'm saying like no that's a fat face how about that one to the right of that that's skinny that's a [ __ ] ugly face what are you talking about I'm not attracted look how big my mouth is you look right there you look right there man what are you talking about you don't think you look great there where is that picture from which one look at your shoulders right there that's fat face I've got impressive shoulders okay how about there you look kind of skinny there yeah no I don't know what I'm looking at then maybe I'm wrong I just it was I was I saw pictures on my um on of two bears one Cave of me on two bears one cave and I have skinny face and it just looked kind of like you're kind of thin no I'm fat there no no up and to the right that one you're thinner there no it's still fat face that's actually I don't know maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm maybe maybe I'm just getting old maybe it's old face that I'm afraid of oh it's old face is that now if I get skinny I get old face yeah it'll look more wrinkly it just looks like hangy the skin will hang out here it looks like well that's the thing if you're old and thin right you you see it more the Frailty of you and the if you look how ripped you are right there you look great yeah it looks I was I was jacked look I used to be in great shape yeah no I wouldn't say great shape but that's a [ __ ] fat face right there you look so happy though uh it was that uh I was I was thought I was famous oh really yeah it's before I knew what I wanted my go scroll down scroll down scroll down that's a [ __ ] you're not finding them find a all these are fat face I think go to look if you go to if you go to um do you remember the ones I just showed you of uh God damn the dog yeah I I nothing there you go that is pretty skinny right there man yeah that's skinny face and I don't like it you do look older maybe I need filler huh we go get some filler yeah if I don't like five if I don't like old face by the way maybe I just don't like my face I need you know what I need I need a chemical peel there's so much skin damage on my face from the Sun yeah I wonder when I'm gonna shave my head oh like this yeah that's what I'm gonna you know I'm gonna look old immediately I'm gonna go from youthful and spry to youthful what the [ __ ] happened to that guy he just been shaving the head oh when I shave the head it's gone it's I'm gonna shave the head and shave the beard I'm just gonna look like a dude in a prison riot that goes first yeah just if I had shaved I just had a panic attack thinking how horrible I'd feel if I woke up and I had no beer and no hair what if I got alopecia and I had no beard no hair and I had to start that's how you lose weight that's how you lose weight Arnold Schwarzenegger used to wear short shorts when he was working on leg days so he could show his legs off so he'd be like self-conscious motivated yeah this is what I'm doing in May I should do it now I should shave my beard in my face my head everything shave my whole body bald and I will hate it so much that I'll just go it's not a bad idea actually that's not a bad idea at all it's not a bad idea that's not a bad idea at all it's just people and then people will watch my stand up and instead of laughing at here put his shirt on put on a mask put on a mask in a hat in the shirt put gloves on those hands are disgusting this is a really actually a it is a good idea so you see how much you hate yourself when you shave my beard that one time I don't like the guy under here right the guy under here neither by the way if you took all the things off I do to Razzle Dazzle myself yeah I don't like that guy like I know I'm not attracted to him I think he's disgusting I know too many secrets about him like wait yeah what kind of Razzle Dazzle are you talking about shave me bald yeah no cool sneakers no nice watch no nice shirt no nothing yeah no nothing I get I get prison clothes yeah is this a genius idea it is the prison weight loss system okay yeah you we're talking about prison we're talking about motivation you shave off all your hair all your beard everything shave your eyebrows off too oh my God why are you gonna shave them because you want to be disgusted by yourself okay you want to be fully disgusted by yourself okay you shave your whole body your pubic hair everything and you I'm I'm so repulsed by the idea of doing this to myself that it's working and and and and then you then you and you put mirrors everywhere mirrors are everywhere in your room and you are and you wake up and all you can see is yourself oh and your fridge all inside your fridge is mirrors oh there's mirrors on the outside of your kitchen all mirrors everywhere and you will [ __ ] lose weight I'm doing it I'm gonna shave my head I tell you the first time I I'm gonna shake my head in my [ __ ] beard I'm gonna shave my head my beard and I'll [ __ ] guarantee you why don't you do it right now because I get dinner tonight you really will do it I'm trying to think when if I could get a break what he's pitching like doing it on a live show yeah yeah I really have to think of [ __ ] we're going to stop it why I gotta go shave my [ __ ] listen that is a it's actually a very good idea can I tell you the first time the first time that I was really fat and that I was motivated to lose weight was seeing my face in a side mirror in college really I was a passenger I remember where I was we were on this road and it was a Sunday and so my friend was you know on Sunday like we party Saturday night so you go out yeah on Sunday to just like you know you're hungover get some like food or something I'm looking out the passenger door just like on some Road whatever and I caught it like when my head came back in the car I caught a glimpse of myself in the side mirror and I and I tried to avoid it and I was like ah no just like look at it it was like that I was like Ugh you're so [ __ ] disgusting dude when I shaved when you shaved my beard off I went I woke up the next morning I forgot I didn't have a beard and I went to the bathroom and I saw me and I felt bad for him I was like I was like oh buddy I haven't seen you in a long time yeah and he was looking at me I was like I'm so sorry that we I did this to you yeah and then he's like he's just looking at me back going man what happened has this been going on the whole time and you didn't tell me and I was like yeah I should have told you he's like I'm more skinny right now and I was like we are the skinniest we've ever been and he's like what are we gonna do and I was like I think we're just gonna grow the beard back and just be regular the holiday Season's Upon Us and you're probably thinking what am I going to get for my daughter my son my husband his sister our parents can I pitch you Stance socks first of all they are amazing socks it is so nice to put on a good pair of socks to start your day to look at a pair of socks and get excited to add that little Razzle Dazzle but what's more important is that stamp socks comes in a 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I'm telling you right now I am hands-free and that is the future if you want to be like an animal and just use your hands here's my point if you guys [ __ ] on your fingers would you just wipe it off the paper hell no that is a water situation immediately that's why tushy's amazing tushy shoots clean water on your [ __ ] super easy to install you don't need extra Plumbing or or or stuff to to put it on your toilet more on like me can install it and then you can feel like a highfalutin high class uh one percenter because you're getting fresh water sprayed on your anus to knock all that [ __ ] off and then you literally all I do a little bit of toilet paper and pat dry tushy ottoman they also have the tushy ottoman the sleekest toilet stool designed to help poop at 100 100 of the time that's just bringing your feet up a little higher the way you should be [ __ ] for the record and the new tushy brush the only toilet brush with disposable scrub pads so you can use a clean brush every time 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her shirt in the middle and you're like yeah yeah sure you're cold all right whatever someone got stretch marks uh what is that is that is it what do you guys think it is a c-section scar yeah no yeah it's uh I watched a chick [ __ ] this morning I'll pull her up you watch porn today I jerked off this morning what nothing okay I watched I watched this porn today let's see was it uh do you search for this or whatever you stumble on this was don't I I love that it the title was don't come on my skirt I was like okay careful where you come yeah but this is what's interesting about her right is that yeah she she kept her [ __ ] Annie's she kept her dresser she took her her tube top off and just wore it around her stomach and I was like uh who are we kidding here yeah like just let's see I kind of want to see the broken part of you like you know like that's the sexy part is when a woman shows you her flaw and like like okay like you know like so both our wives have had kids yeah and I don't mind Leanne's flaws what I love about them is they're almost like a security deposit on her not going to anyone else is that how when you guys grown I'm nervous but can you imagine can you but hear me out keep going can you imagine Christina having sex with someone else and going oh yeah let's just let's just go crazy as opposed to her going like like Leanne if Liam was gonna suck someone else there's a lot of there's a lot of the fact that I love her body and I love what she looks like some [ __ ] 22 year old kid would be like she I don't think she'd feel comfortable getting naked in front of a [ __ ] 29 year old dude another grown man like you know what I mean does that make sense I mean is there anything Christina's insecure about sure okay do you think that she would be comfortable sharing that insecurity with a stranger I mean I think it's a case-by-case basis right like most of us have like you tell me my insecurities I have tons of insecurities and you're saying would you be comfortable sharing with the stranger I would say case like your go-to answer is probably no yeah okay the the reality is it is like Case by case could you could you [ __ ] a stranger right now like legit [ __ ] a stranger like no like everyone's like everyone's like everyone's like uh like okay we go out to dinner tonight the hostess um they call up and they're like hey we have a phone call for Tom Segura can you take it in the back in the cooler and so you go back in the cooler and then it's the phone and they're like okay your wife has been diagnosed with amnesia and anything that happens in the next two days she will never know about okay and it's but we're gonna need you to come home like in like 45 minutes okay because her Amnesia is pretty bad okay and then they go and you go thank you doctor and you hang up and then this girl goes you're in the cooler with her she's just waiting to get the phone back from you and she was like she's like I'm a huge fan Tom and you're like oh thank you and she and then she doesn't know about the conversation and she goes actually you're my my cheat my get out of jail I'm allowed to have sex with one guy and my I was with this guy for a long time and you were that guy but now I'm single and she's like yeah and she says what's the conversation about you like my wife's been diagnosed with amnesia and she's like oh my God God so anything that happens in this cooler she'll never know about right now she's hot okay and she looks like this girl she looks like this girl this she looks like this girl uh-huh okay right dude I say next yeah bend over stupid my wife was diagnosed with amnesia amnesia amnesia amnesia let's see the girl again oh I know who um whose skirt I'm not coming on this is her she has great tits they're real she's got she's Russian by the way yeah they shouldn't speak English in the whole [ __ ] clip and I was like if the girl in the cooler is like that it's even better oh my God don't come on my skirt yeah she seems pretty cool yeah like I mean if you're in the same scenario what would you say I would be no she's young and she's hot right body's perfect she's like I'm such a big fan of yours I'm so sorry to hear that Leanne's uh got dies in a week yeah um is there anything I can do to help comfort you yeah I'd be like oh [ __ ] in my head my first thought in my head is I'm going to come way too fast and I don't want to share that embarrassment with a stranger yeah like I'd rather if I like that's why I like having sex with Anna because if I [ __ ] up she's not gonna call me on it you know like she's actually said wow this is taking actually long for you and I'm like I'll get to it but it kind of would be cool of you to tell this person that and maybe she would be like it's okay would it be that would it take you longer in my mouth I think I realized this is my hang up this is my hang I don't have sex with people because I'm afraid to show them what I look like naked and what I do naked like I've never been good at sex and so this is my hang up now I'm saying that I was like I think Leanne's really comfortable with her body I bet she'd be like I don't give a [ __ ] you want to [ __ ] Let's Get Down let's call her and find out that's a bad idea it's a bad idea yeah I wonder if I did the same Charlottesville you did uh the Paramount Theater in Charlottesville I did I did Charlottesville West Virginia is that is that Charlottesville that I don't know I did Charlottesville Virginia it was probably our probably more than one really and you you said yours went um the second show perfectly the second show went it was wild because you just don't usually see it in theater it's a it's a small theater and it's old theater it's 90 year old theater yeah so the Acoustics are crazy good and there isn't a bad seat in the house they're really right up Charleston West Virginia I do Charlottesville West Virginia keep going um yeah so it's like they're really tight it's like it's right they're right up on you I love it are those are like those are great they're they're fun so I was doing The Late Show on Sunday so there was two shows oh two shows on a Sunday and everyone's got to work on a Monday someone's moving some tickets it was it was a good it was a good little uh fun thing to do and we routed it with the rest of the Virginia run which was Norfolk and uh Richmond so anyway The Late Show you know I hear um a little rowdiness which is not that unusual and then I do hear a guy Heckle Jeff Tate like just for a second and I hear him say something back but oh that's that's oil and water Jeff Tate and Charlottesville yeah he um because Charlottesville is where they had the race riots right that's where the yeah that's where the everything like I'm sure they're super excited that that's how I know them well that's um they know they know that that's what how you know them type in things interesting things to do in Charlottesville let's see what else they're known for okay let's try let's let's change the branding of that City because I bet that city is not filled with just horrible people it's just it's just it's just a bunch of horrible people showed up to that City and behaved like lunatics yeah that's right most of them came and ruined things for the University of Virginia is there UVA oh oh wait I thought that was in Richmond no it's the one that you know is a new is in Charlottesville oh really yeah okay so it looks beautiful there's great Vineyards in Charleston I didn't know there's a historic downtown mall in Charlottesville Charlotte Charlottesville there's a lot of Vineyards in Charlottesville it's known for their Vineyards there you go there you go Charlottesville by the way I'll add a show to Charlottesville I want to perform in Charlottesville now did you enjoy the city uh yeah I went over to uh uh uh Chris Long's Studio you know Chris Long lives in Charlottesville yeah and we went back gonna be it was great we went to UVA right yeah yeah we watched football and then uh he came to the show he came to this late show oh did he really and uh wait what kind of what character am I doing oh did he really yeah did you guys talk football yeah we did what did you guys eat you guys do pig fellas right yeah yeah he had some Burger King hit Burger King bro he did yeah he came out as fat he has he he has uh he has the opposite problem that we have is he in shape without trying like he's like I got it easy monster though right he's Howie Long son yeah yeah but holding a picture picture look at Howie Long now Howie Long is what when when my dad how old is how long how long went to Villanova he is 61 years old look at this mother how long is better looking now than he was when he played football I know it's Insanity look at that that's That's genetics how many kids however long have I bet how we long had the perfect life probably still married the same woman I bet and I bet she looks like a [ __ ] dime no offense Chris long I don't mean to I don't mean to talk about your mom like that but I bet she's type up I want to know more about Howie Long this is the [ __ ] man 61 years old God damn it six five spouse married in 1982 to Dana Diane Diane oh an Italian woman so they always ate good lasagna big of meatballs in the house family type in how long let's see how many kids he got looks like he's got three damn it they all play pro football did Howie Jr I know Kyle and Chris I don't know Howard Jr I don't know I have a good story about Howie Long you do that I can't tell on Eric's it's it's not appropriate because but but as is a story it's a very good story about what a good guy he is what a good person he is but it's not appropriate he stood up let me just say he stood up for uh he stood up for oh so I can't say I can't say all right so okay pull up a picture of Chris Long shirtless oh dude shirtless you're really gonna you're really gonna feel like [ __ ] here hold on oh my God oh he's got abs that's not him if I am he's a goddamn kid yeah how tall is Chris Long and right there is that no who's that there I don't know who that is he's in the top 15 hottest NFL players I don't know uh yeah he's about six four and uh I don't know I don't know what he weighs now but he's probably like 240 250 but not like us so you guys eat Burger King no we I didn't eat any Burger King he ate Burger King uh what do you have for parking this makes my dick hard uh I think he had a Whopper some chicken strips and fries yeah oh Whopper do you want a Whopper hold a Whopper so bad they're so good going right now going right now I want to Whopper right now [ __ ] I want a Double Whopper with cheese I think yeah too yeah how do we genetically steal his jeans it's gonna be tough if they said you could if they said hey man you can blood swap okay I'd do it with one man oh definitely take one and what will happen is you're not gonna look exactly like him yeah but you'll see your body start morphing a little bit into that man's body what man do you think very carefully about this because you're getting everything dude you go with their dad I might we might have to hold Howie Long down in a hotel room yeah and [ __ ] draw his blood he's like what the [ __ ] are you doing can you take his bone marrow and [ __ ] yeah bone marrow start drinking I'm so sorry yeah I gotta yeah definitely sorry man God it also takes I wonder if he was four more people does Chris Long ever talk about his dad like like what is what kind of parenting he did oh I think they have a great relationship yeah yeah they seem like a pretty close how long went to Villanova right Howie Long yeah I don't remember I think he went to Villanova because my dad was obsessed with Howie Long really it was the only football player to ever come out of Villanova I don't know how long Villanova comes up oddly enough you type in Villanova and Howie Long shows up Howie Long college that he wrote there you go he went to Howie Long college long played college football at Villanova yep yeah God damn it he didn't get married too early right I don't know how old was he when he got married pull up the picture I'm sorry so I'm very sorry Chris Long remember my dog was gonna pull up a picture of Chris Long's mom I bet she's [ __ ] gorgeous I bet she's gorgeous I bet she's gorgeous okay God damn it okay right now Chris Long's like I'm going to turn this episode off does he listen to North Joe I don't know how do you know he listens to our show [Laughter] no he's great dude he really is a great guy but wait so I'm at I'm on the show I can't believe we [ __ ] we should get all our celebrity football player friends together sweet Tom let's Tom you ready for this let's throw a celebrity football player two bears one cave party and we don't tell any of them that they're all coming right but we invite all of them together like it starts off very casual with guys who forgot their football players right we start with Pat McAfee and he's like hey we're like hey you first got into the football player but like he's done so much other stuff now okay he'll be like hey what's up and then we're like hey great then when AJ Hawk walks in and he's like hey AJ I didn't know you guys were telling him here he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then we go and then Aaron Rodgers walks in and we're like and they're like Oh Aaron and then right now they haven't realized what's happening right yeah then Aaron Rodgers walks in he's like hey AJ hey what's up was this a podcasting thing then Chris long walks in they're like hold on did you justify football players like where is that what the [ __ ] are you doing here [Music] they're like all right and then by the end they're Martine grammatica oh that would be so funny because every time that you heard a knock on the door everyone would be like all right who is it who is it that would be [ __ ] great okay [Laughter] you haven't drank it all today I have I'm waiting for dinner although pretty much five o'clock you wanna drink do you wonder it oh you gotta drive um that's true how many how many celebrity football players can we invite to our uh to our celebrity football player dinner I mean I don't I don't know that I know I know okay I know Johnny hacker we got him uh uh Whitmore for the uh uh oh yeah ramps yeah Rams um we get a couple Rams uh oh we got we got um offensive linemans for the Packers we just oh dude let's do a celebrity football player uh dinner yeah and we just don't tell them we got it well I guess they're knowing now I guess when they get the invite they're like I think I know where I'm going what else where are we doing the dinner let's be good yeah I don't but it's they're [ __ ] football players are gonna eat like [ __ ] Savages I mean the bill we're gonna split yeah Burger King how about Burger King Burger King yeah and we get Hooters Hooters do we do the dinner on a plane yes yes oh [ __ ] yes oh that'd be so much fun it'd be almost like that uh professional Airline professional flight with all the never mind do you see me just bailing my sentence I had all the words in here and my mouse like we're not gonna get these out today one of my favorite things to do is to go into Outfitter stores uh like you know outdoor stores and find cool new gear and I literally like taking my time with it I'm a big jacket guy the other day I went through and I felt these pants I rubbed my hands on them and I went these are the most comfortable pants I've ever felt in my life and then the woman said to me do you know they have these great shorts they're called core shorts and I went hold on are you talking about viori and she goes yeah these reviewers do you know if you're here I said they're a podcast sponsor I said wait these are the Ponto shorts the Ponto I think I'm saying it right the Ponto are the the long ones and they are the most comfortable I'm telling you put them on and never take them off for a weekend and what's amazing 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every workout I never take it off I just throw the battery charger on it it only takes a few minutes incredibly efficient battery charger you learn everything about yourself and now there's an all new whoop 4.0 it's smaller smarter and designed with new biometric tracking including skin temperature blood oxygen and more the device also features an all new Smart Alarm designed to wake you up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day get into whoop and I'm telling you will learn things about how your body is responding to what you're eating what you're digesting what you're drinking how you're sleeping it's incredible the all-new waterproof device is free when you sign up for a whoop 4.0 membership for any members if you have six months left of membership on your account you can upgrade now and get the whoop 4.0 for free and right now whoop is offering 15 off when you use the code cave at checkout go to whoop whoop.com enter the code c-a-v-e at checkout and save 15 this episode is brought to you by betterhelp h e l p whether you're struggling with grief relationship or stress or having trouble sleeping and meeting goals online therapy can help if you're having anxiety in airports like myself online therapy can help better help is in Secure online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with a licensed professional therapist better help's going to assess your needs and match you with your own accredited therapist and you're going to be matched with that therapist in under 48 hours therapists have a broad range of expertise which may not be available in your area they have the services available for clients worldwide and you can log into your account anytime and send a message to your therapist you get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule a weekly video or phone sessions better help is committed to facility and great therapeutic matches so if you don't like your therapist you can switch it that is very important trust me from a guy whose change therapist is a lot and it's more affordable visit betterhelp.com bears and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional in fact so many people have been using better help that they're recruiting additional therapists in all 50 states two bears one cave is sponsored by better help and our listeners get 10 off their first month of online therapy at betterhelp.com Bears that's better help.com slash bears do you have blue eyes do I you do yeah I never noticed that really yeah I probably thought I was the one with the good eyes and then you got second place but they're blue I didn't know that I thought you had brown eyes this whole time I just I literally just said oh my God he's got good looking eyes I met beautiful eyes what color eyes are Chris long have I don't know all right ready I'm gonna try to remember Aaron Rodgers eyes they're brown they're brown pull up Aaron Rodgers on Hazel are they Hazel I don't know what color eyes does Aaron Rodgers have go to the image go to the image and zoom in no no wait does he have green eyes they're blue he's got blue eyes on it [ __ ] up okay let's do other people ready what color eyes does Joe Rogan have brown brown he's got a brown brown okay we'll pull up Joe Rogan's eyes let's do this everybody those are dark right those are brown are they Brown they're brown okay okay ready um what I'm gonna try to think of someone and see if you can remember what color eyes they have um what color eyes does Pat McAfee have I really don't know isn't that crazy that you don't pay attention to the color eyes yeah probably back if he's gotta have blue eyes like he seems I'm being racist right now but he just feels like you have blue eyes with his personality Oh I thought you meant because it was fair skin and yeah that's what I really about to say but uh Pat McAfee brown eye blue eyes right blue eyes English no zoom in go to the picture and then zoom in brown eyes God damn it though he's got gray eyes what is he a wolf that why don't you call him real quick I'll find out what color his eyes are real quick yeah okay you ready for this yeah this is my new favorite thing to do that I just discovered right now and this is my new favorite thing to do oh okay you ready yeah this is my new favorite thing to do FaceTiming people by the way this is an aggressive FaceTime call it's super aggressive my face is really fat he's just gonna answer them and go oh blue never mind and hang on hey put the phone close to your eyes why don't people answer FaceTime calls it's aggressive I wonder if I can FaceTime Aaron Rodgers and I just go oh blue I thought so and just hang up that's a funny number yeah of course I do call it nope why because I'm not he's not we're not friends like that yet we got to do some fun guy stuff you know they're swimming together okay ready close your eyes what color are worn snap size Brown okay okay close your eyes what color names your balls [Music] okay dude are there any are there any black people with blue eyes lies the origin of black people whoa holy [ __ ] oh my God that's wild that is [ __ ] awesome you really don't see it often oh you don't see it off often at all people do with contacts you know but who is this woman go go up go up look at this child go up go up go up keep going This Woman This actress Sydney black yeah right there holy [ __ ] [ __ ] you just hit the link addresses oh they're not real well we don't know no no that's what it says she's addressing the comments about getting about being black with blue eyes being black with blue eyes why would someone [ __ ] because because people are probably assuming that it's not natural you know that is like weird well it's like uh zoom in on the on the text that is uh piercing blue eyes yeah the brown skin bright blue-eyed stunner has faced out about her eye color from the moment she stepped in the social media scene after countless videos and posts addressing it commentary still can't help but fit scroll I'm sure we're just piling on no I'm just trying to you brought it up yeah uh she has mesmerized viewers for the years with her icy blue eyes many of them are rude ignorant comments um okay her mom's got one blue eye oh [ __ ] her mother look at her mom that's awesome yeah oh my God I would love to have one blue eye one brown eye okay oh my God is that is that real that's crazy heterochromia uh how do you get it which means she has two that's what her mother has two different eye colors okay well we don't really understand the origin of this but got it heterochromia type in heterochromia I want to see more blue eye brown eye people that's [ __ ] awesome dude that is so much better than just having two blue eyes oh my God look at that kid look at the kid that looks like a villain of this kid yeah holy [ __ ] that's awesome you like that what if there was a pill you could take to like increase the blueness in your eyes would you take it yeah yeah right of course are blue eyes the best color eyes um foreign type in best eye color to have it's got to be blue it's opinions but I mean as opinions of everyone like everyone thinks Hazel oh [ __ ] off let me see hazel eyes I've never seen what's Hazel's green right well it looks like Hazel and green it would be different Hazel let me see hazel eyes whoa oh [ __ ] you got to get up close to them but [ __ ] whoa what the [ __ ] are those hazel eyes how do you get hazel eyes what do you mean like is that is that a big thing type in percentage of people that have blue eyes brown eyes and hazel eyes but this is amazing content right me just going what the [ __ ] there you go it's the first okay here we go percentage people with his lies that's very low percent that's very low five percent yeah percentage of people with blue eyes it's got to be I'm gonna say I'm gonna say 35. yeah it's gonna be higher oh dude 10 percenters I'm pretty special shut up man wow eight percent oh that's no that's a cheat code what I just realized I was like they're just talking about people so you got all of Africa no one's got them you got all of Asia no one's got them you've got all of you got Sweden where there's gonna be a bunch yeah so that kind of stupid oh you want to hear the rest of the Charlottesville story yeah yeah I forgot yeah tell me about this article so okay let me paint the picture Chris Long's wearing sunglasses so you don't know what color eyes he's eating cheeseburgers left and right in the back and and uh and and you're out there and you're doing your like white guy stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah someone's like someone's like I thought this guy shaved his head for a reason he's not talking about what I want to hear it's probably like I'm thinking like 25 minutes into the set and I'm and it's a setup up for a story like I'm in like one of those lines where I'm like here's the thing I want to tell you what happened like one of those kind of moments yeah so it's like quiet and I'm sometimes you ever hear you ever hear chatter and you go I'm gonna bury the chatter by talking louder because you know that like and especially in big rooms that the speakers can like drown out something so I'm like I lean on the mic I'm just gonna quiet whatever that is but as I'm like transitioning to the next sentence I just hear it more and then I I it's it's not avoidable so I'm like what's happening and this guy goes they're trying to throw me out of here and then they start going he won't shut up we want him to shut up and they're like they're talking to me in this theater and I'm like and they go Tom what should we do I go this is beyond my pay grade I don't this is up to you now theater people uh and then they go and then the two people who were like he needs to leave he goes I'm not leaving and he I see I get out of the light because it's a spotlight and he's got his hands on the the chair rails and he's like you're gonna have to drag me out of here and I'm like ah and then security comes and I go do what you must and they're like sir he goes no and they're like he should leave and that whole room is like falling apart yeah it's like it's over a thousand people and I'm like don't look at me like I'm up this is this is my part I'm gonna go sit in the green room for a little bit I'm just like I'll just wait here and the security guys are not to be fair real security guys it's it's usually older gentlemen it's like ushers yeah they're ushers and they're like they go like come on and he's like you'll have to drag me out of here and he's like she's holding on and they're not even going to try to drag and they're like come on and he's like no and I mean and Meanwhile by the way other people just start yelling they're just like yelling at him yelling at other people yelling at me come on Tom I'm like come on what like they start asking questions and I I'm like this show is falling apart like completely falling apart people are screaming yeah and I look at like how much time has gone by we're at like 27 minutes and I'm like oh [ __ ] and after a few minutes some people a couple people leave but I don't know who has left like in the in the scope of what's Happening yeah but what I know is that the guy that was being the loudest and that is arguing people is not leaving he's still there he's still there yeah and he's just basically like I'm staying he's got a [ __ ] fishing shirt on like one of those tackle oh shirts yeah I was like all right and then what he does is after like chaos kind of takes over it sort of calms down and I go into a bit and I think he wants to separate himself from being the bad guy to being part of the audience again so he goes like he he laughs extra hard but it's all manufactured good one Tommy he's like that's a good joke and I was like oh boy and the rest of the set was P once that happened this thousand plus people thought like well we can do this like we can make this more Interactive so like I would do a bit and they'll be like hey man how come how come you're well what does this say on your shoe by the way like they're just like yelling [ __ ] out and Yeah and instead of like when that happens once you go like shut the [ __ ] up or you know you but now it's like this is now the show oh yeah so it becomes the show for the next half hour of like doing a bit interacting with people people yelling [ __ ] people telling me where they went to school and what they stood and I'm like what the [ __ ] it was that is not your style of no but here's the thing when it's that many people doing it you have to embrace it otherwise it's over yeah I just I just rolled with it and then I got off stage and everybody was like you're okay that's everything I was like Chris Long's finishing up a Big Mac Whopper oh he came back and I was like what do you think of that he was like that was [ __ ] insane what's crazy is when I hear a story I picture the people in my head yeah and I pictured a guy when you said fishing shirt I was like this is a guy that looks like Tom but is just a lot bigger the guy yeah I couldn't even tell I couldn't he had a hat on um you know it was just like it was so not what you expect like it had club like late Club Vibes late Friday Show Club Vibes of a 300 seat room that has 80 people at it but this was 11 or 1200 people in a room that was really so and it was just like it was the kind of thing where you go if I decide right now like not to engage or like to be like I don't want to do this the only option is literally walking off stage yeah you know or like getting really mad like yelling at somebody super angrily and then everybody be like ah like be their dad so I was just like you just have to roll with this you have to roll with this but it was it really was pretty chaotic especially for this like say it again for a theater like it's not what you see in theater I mean I've done hundreds of them now and I've never seen anything happen like that before that's funny I wonder I would love to listen to one of your shows and then have you listen to one of mine and you go oh that was my Charlottesville show oh that's just That's Thursday that's early early Thursday really but I think I don't but it's not it's not like it's really interesting because I think I get because I take my shirt off on stage I think people think it's my thing is just a legit party the whole time right like I'm doing a [ __ ] foam pit like I [ __ ] fill the room with foam and you know it's just like what is it what do you guys want huh you know and it's someone said to me the other day they're like you know uh someone that I really respect said I think you're on the thank you never mind but it was like it was like it is crazy you take your shirt off but you're actually like a legit comic like you you've got this branding thing where people notice you as the take your shirt off party guy but you are like a legit Storyteller and I was like yeah it's kind of interesting because I do get the vibe of like like [ __ ] shirt off [ __ ] it but then my shirt's off and I'm telling like like heartfelt stories at times and funny stories and and doing jokes but it's so interesting because I think people think I have that energy yeah yeah the chaos energy the chaos I would think that too I mean like I don't I watch one of your promos like especially the moment when you take your shirt off it's [ __ ] pandemonium I should have leaned into that what do you mean I should have just partied like crazy on stage you'd brought like a [ __ ] smash the light bulb over my head like a [ __ ] you can still do it you know what I was telling Shane and Dave Shannon Shane Torres and Dave Williamson sometimes you know as a comic you get in wrote you got to get bored the thing and we were talking that that wasn't even the thing we were noticing how these days it seems like a lot of younger Comics go brand first and then because it's like you know you never see like a guy dressed like John Mulaney just doing stand-up anymore or guy dressed like you everyone's kind of everyone's kind of gotten getting a hook it seems like you know like they're they've got they're getting an angle of how to Brand themselves as like as like the comic you need to watch and I was telling Shane and Dave I was like I'll give you a thousand dollars each if I get to pick your brand and you got to do it for a little while on the road and I was going to make Shane do stand up in roller skates that's just mean no do you realize Shane Torres comes out in roller skates yeah that's the brand yeah he just [ __ ] rolls around and then yeah he just rolls like skates a little bit and tells jokes do you think about it right I'm thinking oh it could work with a guy like Shane who's obviously pretty much a Stand and Deliver comic it could be if you did decide to lean into a a [ __ ] brand like the initial one was to come out with a hook on his hand uh-huh and be like you're the hook-handed comic right yeah and then uh how much time do the guys do before you go up 15. how many guys go up usually two two okay two I've had three I had Rosebud Baker on the road with me and uh we they each did ten um but uh but I was like if Shane was on roller skates and like could really kind of not that really was confident on roller skates would be [ __ ] hilarious because he's got the the physicality of it would be amazing yeah like you know and then and he's an amazing comic and immediately you'd be booked on every late night show what's your pitch for Dave wheelchair and then at the end stand up and go thank you good night that was my pitch for Dave what do you think he's uh both of them were like for a thousand dollars whatever the [ __ ] you want they're like I'll do it [ __ ] yeah I don't give a [ __ ] I'll take the money I'm [ __ ] do a second why don't you set up the wheelchair one of the upcoming games because that's a little that was just a joke I was like oh yeah but but uh Shane on roller skate a lot of sympathy laughs too to start like your first solid joke they'd be like this [ __ ] is pretty funny like they dude if he I'm gonna make him go out and enjoy it's so much doable sunglasses and just stare off to the side oh yeah people will [ __ ] be like come on buddy yeah oh yeah do we have any disabled Comics these days are there any disabled Comics yeah for sure I mean Josh Blue but I don't see him as no there's a there's another one I saw I saw because he's a [ __ ] Olympic Athlete I saw a rose guy who was um he had also has a cerebral palsy what was Jerry Jules Jerry Jules tell her name Terry Jules Jerry type in Jerry Jules she had cerebral palsy right there is a roast guy who uh who definitely does I saw a clip um Jerry Jewel she had what is she had she had cerebral palsy she was on Facts of Life okay you don't remember her yeah but she was Blair's cousin and the whole the whole gag was the whole gag was Blair's embarrassed to be related no no think of the writing think of the writing on that let's think walk that walk that down the lane for a second in 1980 what year was she on in 1980 two yeah The Facts of Life in the 80s the pitch was Blair's hot and she's gonna be embarrassed to have this person or family and she was that was the whole [ __ ] log line that she was like oh God yeah don't talk you know like yeah and then she was like they and then the whole thing was she was a comedian and then and then her friends had to be like Blair you gotta love her she's your family she's like yeah but look at her like that was the Brit that was the [ __ ] [ __ ] of that writers wrote that down and they were like here you go yeah and the network was like I [ __ ] love love it yeah I guarantee you they're like if they they were like I bet they auditioned people they're like nah we can understand you next do you think uh Josh Potter is disabled because he's blind in one eye why doesn't he lean into that why doesn't he wear sunglasses on his glasses are pretty obviously yeah dude when he shifts the sunglasses it's going to be other level though uh 20 is going to blow the [ __ ] oh he does have something oh he has transition do you think there are any blind people with transition glasses sure is that Josh Potter yeah without a beard yeah yeah oh he's adorable he's not a bad looking guy he looks like a [ __ ] shooter right there in the far left one what happened to that guy that guy lives in a cabin right there that guy yeah that's not adorable but no he's doing great his podcast is is doing great numbers he's doing the road he's uh he's killing on the road he's doing great he's a cutie pie right there he's a little sweetheart yeah um wow look at him there is that is he did they put white guy makeup on him is that looks like a black guy and Josh Potter and to the right go to the right that looks like a black guy and white guy makeup that's Stephen King King yeah that's Stephen King that is Stephen King that's Stephen King that is Stephen King no [ __ ] way for sure it is that's what Stephen King looks like I mean sometimes but it says Josh Potter I know but that's Stephen King yeah Jesus Christ all right keep going stuck on what to give your friends and family this year wish them a marry softness and a happy new rear with the new comfy underwear loungewear and pajamas from Tommy John when your loved ones start their day wearing Tommy John they know that you love them that much more because they're that much more comfortable so everything they do is better Tommy John loungewear loungewear is luxurious soft tri-blend and Micro mobile Fabrics I mean four-way stretch and no limp balls or fuzz with over 17 million pairs sold giving Tommy Johns the gift of underwear and loungewear has become a holiday tradition for families across the country it is what I give my friends and family for Christmas because I'm a pajamas guy you know that if you saw a secret time 97 of women and men love getting gifts from Tommy John that's why Tommy John doesn't have customers they have Fanatics uh I'll tell you what man I put on a pair of Tommy Johns and I feel like I'm in the lap of luxury I'm staying at the Four Seasons so damn comfortable get 20 off your first order right now at tommyjohn.com Bears that's tommyjohn.com bears for 20 off order down so your gift arrives before the holiday that's very important right now go to tommyjohn.com Bears see the cipher details um oh we tore Rosebud yeah I had a woman on the bus for the first time how'd that go I was very nervous because I don't you know it's almost like you're unaware of how you behave did you do uh nudity in front of her no nudity um offer the option to have a hotel room any night she wanted it but it was kind of tough because we're traveling at night yeah but if we were there I was like if we were staying in a city we stayed in DC to do two nights yeah and I was like you're more than welcome to my hotel room I think she took it um she went for a jog with us kind of she kind of went off her own job kind of got lost and then found us um it was [ __ ] awesome because you forget that she's a comic first like that's there's you know like I I don't know the right way to say it but like all she cared about was comedy I love I love when all anyone gives a [ __ ] about his comedy that's all they want to talk about yeah and all they want to do is make jokes and she watched my set and I like every night she's watching my set she was like coming over with notes she's like I like I told this new story about Snoop she was like I love that Snoop story she's like you got to keep it in the in the hour yeah and I was like uh I was like [ __ ] yeah I love Comics you just want to talk shots that's who I bring yeah everybody Jeff Tate the best just wants to talk comedy the best the best he has a total just kind of mine he has a great opinion of Comedy like he does he's so sharp very fine palette and his he uh he he writes probably more than anybody I know yeah every time like I'll like I'm done you know I didn't see him in a while then he came and toured and had a new set and then when I see him next it's always new and it's always really good it's really good it's really good stand up yeah but all the people I bring I love when Comics what if we get Jeff to do roller skates he might think he might think about it he might think about it what would be like remember we used to do that when we worked at the um at The Improv we would try to work on catchphrases yeah do you remember we remember oh yeah oh yeah we tried to get a good catchphrase yeah you finish your joke yeah now that's what I'm talking about yeah yeah yeah like punchline come and get it yeah yeah yeah yeah pow pow bring it bring it yeah hey ho Rodeo hey ho Rodeo I told Dave you should start doing that where he goes he tells a joke and when he gets to laugh he kind of turns on he goes good one David are there no [ __ ] Comics like is there not like a uh I don't know Google it no I don't know oh [Applause] oh yeah oh oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh God damn it that's [ __ ] perfect I mean we would really end the show now that is the perfect that is the funniest thing ah you can take it down oh my god oh oh sometimes it just happens naturally that is good that was so good oh my God that is [ __ ] hilarious that is so [ __ ] hilarious right now no one knows what we're laughing at ah and they'll never find out they'll never find out unless they Google it they just Google it well they know you're telling them foreign [Applause] wait do you oh wait oh right now they're Googling it and they're laughing as hard as we are uh Dave's picture what was that oh was that a real face it's just a real face it was just a click that made me laugh so [ __ ] hard we took a picture and and we just zoomed in on Dave's face okay so here's what's going on in that picture he's eating popcorn and he's drinking red wine ah which doesn't excuse the dick face looking thing where he pulled his chin back like this but we we saw that picture and we could not stop laughing could not stop laughing the only only face that we've enjoyed more than that is this one okay all right I just emailed it to you this is the only other picture that made us laugh this hard and this is John Mann's doing a Polar Plunge so we went to do polar plunges we do polar plunges on the road and uh and John Manson goes I bet I could he's very confident and if you want to gamble this is his face doing a Polar Plunge because he doesn't like it and we couldn't we're like you look like an old man yeah and he's like uh I love when you get bad pictures of people it's great there's a picture of me naked in a lake from a from a drone yeah I'm on my back and my dick is fake is buoyant so it's pointing up so it only is as big as the width of a soft dick right so it is it looks like a button and then and that got passed around our tour bus forever my favorite thing to do growing up because you know my sister my balls my balls is a great picture my sisters are way more emotional obviously like you know they're girls like oh yeah yeah yeah and like there'd be moments where like there's a fight or some argument and they would be screaming and cry and I would always try to take a picture and then I would have those pictures blown up and put them in a frame so they just won't be like you have a picture of me crying so wait so we we were at my grandmother's funeral yeah and uh and they're they're posting they have a slideshow of pictures up and one of the pictures is my sister Annie and her going through adolescence at her fattest and she's in like it's the most unflattering picture so we're all sitting in there everyone's somber and they start the slideshow and everyone's like oh oh and then the picture of Annie comes up she goes seriously and then a funeral everyone starts laughing historically but it kept playing on a loop so it would go back it would come back and everyone would laugh again is that a [ __ ] funeral and we are crying laughing every time a picture of Annie comes up oh God damn it um all right wait yeah David's picture and then I got a bunch of [ __ ] because everyone's like so you don't break balls Bert because you can't because you can't because you can't [ __ ] take back things once you say it on a podcast you mean it forever you [ __ ] gaslit me that podcast I listen to that beginning of that podcast that's [ __ ] fascinating to watch how your brain [ __ ] does that mental gymnastics of lying to yourself so you can lie to other people Mega World Peace what you were by the way what what what it is what what I don't care I came out of sight you know what I'm saying it's laughs you're left I'm so fat I have food in my teeth teeth in my life [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] dude oh the look on your face when do you realize your level of delusion Kyle is so insane with the fat thing you have no idea you have no idea I'm sitting here telling you I eat healthy and I told you what I had to eat the other day and you're like good old on one day and I was like yeah I guess I have been admittedly fat for a while give the funny thing with you is you'll be like I've been really good I've been really good lately I've been really good and then it'll be like 20 seconds later you're like I have [ __ ] four burritos and eight cheeseburgers wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait any tell them what we just ate while he was on the phone call with his agent Jesus on a plate we just filled a plate with sauce cheese and pepperoni and just ate it with spoons you did it was [ __ ] awesome it was [ __ ] easy Annie easy that wasn't good yeah because he likes carbs because he has he goes whatever I was gonna say something I wasn't gonna say it because then he might get sensitive okay everyone [ __ ] liked it everyone liked it it was a big [ __ ] hit yeah yeah and so uh uh I love when you find like a cheat code like you know what I like to do is I was telling them I like to take a piece a piece of pizza leftover pizza take a cup cut a center cut a hole in the center of the pizza and put a cracked egg inside that Center oh so [ __ ] good you put that on the pan put on the pan and you'd be shocked it heats up perfectly and then just the last minute you give it a little quick Flip or or what what I do sometimes is I put a little water in the pan put a top on the pan and then it steams the top of the egg and steams the cheese Jesus and then you take that little hole and you put that on top [ __ ] you're doing like fat guy Elite [ __ ] right now dude like the things you're describing are like all things that everybody wants to indulge in I am going hard in the [ __ ] pain I mean you came out you know what you know what we did one time this was maybe my favorite thing we've ever done is we tried to create the perfect burger wait wait wait before you do that do you think there's a chance you could reach out to your publicist and see if any like mainstream publication is willing to do an article on you coming out like as fat like do a serious piece like Bert Kreischer comes out and then people be like oh my God and then just have it be in there well not a year round when you have like a publicity thing okay like you have a movie coming let me let me I tell you what I got to publish this phone call yeah a guy her name's Karen and say and make sure you say I want to do an I want to do an article on coming out and then and when they go coming out be like yeah as fat and then see if somebody will make do like a real fat Embrace piece you know I wonder if I wonder if this is still her number all right she's my publishes a Travel Channel and I'll see if she thinks well what about on the on on The Machine movie they're definitely giving you a publicist for that for sure oh and that's a good angle yeah because you're like Hey Bert your fat is [ __ ] shirtless in this and I was like yeah I'm coming out as fat yeah yeah and I was like and I'd like to welcome other people to come out of the fridge and yeah yeah and share their stories of what it was like in the fridge what if people did it what if People magazine did it what if they Google Google see if anyone's come out as fat would I be the first person to come out there's I mean I'm certain I think with that I don't mean to be disrespectful but the world's so bizarre right now I'm certain other people have come in everything you know BC is wrong can hurt top 10 reasons BMI is bogus put up put come out in quotes and I don't know if obese is the right word yeah wait four ways to come out is fat what dude this can be in an article yeah Pat McAfee's FaceTiming me okay Pat let's see those eyes dude brown eyes God damn it we thought they would be blue green green you're part of the five percent of people hey Pat what's up what's up dude uh oh wow yeah he's got green eye uh Bird's been talking about he said you got a real sweet ass on you yeah you guys been talking about my ass a lot I appreciate that that makes me it's not good hey it's not you guys it's for us it's us it takes two to tango anybody talking about my ass I enjoy I appreciate you buddy I've been I've been tackle on tour let's go dude hey Tom and I are thinking about doing a surprise football player celebrity football player dinner where we just start inviting you guys until you guys realize [ __ ] he's just inviting some football players no no I'm not a celebrity either I would love to go there I think that would be like uh a dream come true if you two [ __ ] invited me to a dinner but there is probably going to be some people that'll have a different reaction I assume I'm not sure when are you coming to La we gotta have you come on when you come into la oh no I'm not in L.A I'm in Austin right now yeah didn't you guys pick up and move to Austin that's like in that the whole thing no Tom moved us to Austin but we're we're uh wait that's closer to you please write down right down the plane right there come on man jump on a plane hey I would love to you know and I was gonna I was honored to be asked to host two bears while Bert was over in uh Lithuania yeah wherever the hills whatever the hell was going on um by the way shout out Mark Hamill throw me right back into the [ __ ] fire Bert after the Aaron Rodgers thing died down two days Mark Hamill quote tweets sends me back into the fire uh he's gonna be your dad or something in the machine I did some research on this guy I did some research on this guy I can't wait to see it but uh I can't believe I missed the opportunity to be a host uh well alongside you guys how about you man are you are you immunized uh yeah I'm immunized you know I uh I believe in no I got that so the thing about that is I got vaccinated and then I got covered and I got covered real bad like 104.5 degree fever no [ __ ] I thought I was going down down like I thought that was all she wrote covet came through and hit a little pain train on my entire system no [ __ ] I mean it's the wild world obviously and uh I would be honored to go to dinner with you guys long answer short there hey we would love to have you for real man why don't we set that up just in a room I thought hey hey how do you know it was just in like a bedroom up here hey is that what we got going on daughter in Austin yeah no he's building up here Tom's building a compound like Rogan but right now we're in a [ __ ] Squad house yeah this is a actually a trap house um hey respect I was conceived in a trap boss actually oh William and dad had sex on a couch down there yeah by the way I've seen I've seen your dad's pull out game and Jenga it's pretty impressive yeah pull out game on old style wasn't great I guess in the trap house that's my mom but in Jenga he's unbelievable so Austin's just because what elon's making that to space home right elon's build up all the rocket ships Rogan's down there changing the entire media world and now they got Segura down there in [ __ ] Austin what a dream oh it's a it's a real dream and we get bird here pretty often so there's I'm here more than I am in my own house there's uh restaurants opening every week it's pretty good hey Pat Pat have you ever heard of anyone coming out as fat is that just like when they recognize that they finally got to the point that their body is Despicable yeah yeah yeah kind of yeah I come out I come out fat like every football season around November December I come out big time fat did you do this bird did you just finally admit it yeah well I was just jealous of gay guys get to come out and then celebrate their life and then they get to go really explore their sexuality and I was like I want to come out as fat and really explore my eating and and really go hard in the pain I just had a plate full of cheese and and pepperonis just say [ __ ] it I'm on my path to 700 pounds everybody should be proud of me yeah yeah yes yeah yeah that's exactly what I'm saying hey old Davey meets back there will be able to help you out that motherfucker's on the grill what all day every day on this birdie boy World Tour you're well on your way that food looks unbelievable dude we just got get this we just got two thousand dollars worth of steaks that we put in our freezer and we're eating steaks as sneeze nice snackers every night yeah he's gaining weight he's gaining weight we're all proud of him by the way Tom and I are getting ready to go to dinner right now look at you coming out of this fat and living your best life that's what I'm talking about good for you man I mean honestly trying to have it uh you know being the same vein as the lgbtq community probably going to get you in some [ __ ] but I want to let you know I'm proud of you but you want to be a 500 pounder [ __ ] go do it boom thank you I love your eyes hey what are you blue eye baby blues baby blues oh that's why you were that machine down there in Florida State huh yeah look Tom's got blue eyes too look at that real quick question what color eyes does Aaron Rodgers have oh those are blue or green right God damn it see that was our game we're playing to seeing if you can remember the eye colors of people you met or no is this blue right yeah no no errands I forgot we already forgot we already forget it and forgot yeah I think they were blue outed Factor you know some things are just gonna be some things are gonna get forgotten oh my God Aaron hold on take a look at Aaron Rodgers hold on take a look at these what about what about AJ what about AJ's eyes AJ Hawk yeah um oh AJ's got blue eyes they are serial killer albino blue yeah they are isn't that crazy we talk to people every day and don't know what they wait hold on what this is that's impossible what look at the website this is on scroll up Scroll up no other side where the picture is what if it just gives everybody blue eyes it could be it could be just like a German site um let's see oh man well yeah I mean if you name how about like you have guys on staff do you know their eye colors if we I know I feel like yeah me neither I'd rather have someone tell me an interesting story than go oh Bert by the way I remembered your eyes were blue yeah fair enough yeah okay hey I appreciate you guys uh I I meet you guys I miss you too man oh we watch you man and uh congrats on everything hopefully um we really could get a a dinner together yeah that'd be a lot of fun for real this is I think you're within the next couple months whenever we get down there we'll call it oh [ __ ] yeah I'll fly in for that let's do it man let's do it all right yeah big [ __ ] eyes big [ __ ] eyes and thanks for the face time you can always FaceTime me yeah okay I can't wait [Laughter] um he delivers that was every [ __ ] time he delivers every [ __ ] you know what it is man it's a [ __ ] professional that's what it is Pat gets it um all right we should wrap this up man let's get ready for dinner don't you want to have your dinner where are we going do we know I got I got I got it lined up all I've had is uh mozzarella and pepperonis and sauce today that's it and some coffee that beer in the morning and that one and a cider yeah feel good yeah it's a good way to go into dinner you can really have the calories now okay oh a double G click yeah all right let's do some uh let's tell our audience that we love them that we're on tour yeah and uh and I got my booster shot so I'll be able to hang out a little more than I have been oh good um because I'm just I'm fully immunized uh I'm gonna start doing camera takes ready yeah like uh like I'll say something and then I'll mess the word up and then I'm gonna watch it okay so hey what's the word I have a hard time saying and I saw it now I saw it okay all right well we're on tour I guess I'm looking at your eyes now get tickets tomscar.com and um thank you Texas all December okay um oh and I got two shows on the mat in Philadelphia for New Year's Eve and they're not listening right now they're partying yeah they hung up um I love you I love you too bye guys [Music] Stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears no scripts a bit of booze amateur fratology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave foreign

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 877,217

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: Ce-FuJ5UXHo

Length: 94min 9sec (5649 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 06 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/thegreatkabong]

2 Bears 1 Half-Finished Tom Segura story

[u/dvongetthetables]

Poor LeeAnn.

[u/Gwish1]

I was at that Charlottesville show and I can attest it was chaotic and hilarious. People were straight up yelling at this guy to leave. The confusion on Tom’s face made it 10x better.

[u/samhoe]

I really wanna know what came up when they were looking for "retarded comics" tried it myself but got dumb Sunday news "comics"

[u/Finster137]

Bart admits to fucking ghost. But what he doesn’t tell you is that all those ghosts were dogs.

[u/murderthumbz]

So Brent wants to cheat on his wife lol I swear every episode is a theory on sleeping with someone else

[u/Cantore18]

I wish the podcasts were more present and not shot 3 weeks ago.

[u/bon3storm]

Anyone Google Tom's question they cried laughing about?

[u/HanesGeeseWay]

What is happening with Bread Guzzler?? A football stars party???