Ep. 72 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

if you're walking through the store and you got a red sox hat on some jackass who went to college at emerson is like yo bro what's the sock score today and you're like i'm not a fan i have a big head yeah he's like why are you wearing the hat you're like i have a big head i've got a big head no mine's bigger no my i gotta what size hat do you have and then i'm in a conversation with a guy i don't want to be in i'm working i'm like just kiss him and so 100 this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by squarespace you can do so many amazing things with a website where the templates are there for you designed by squarespace and honestly if you don't have a website you don't have a presence online which is ridiculous for whatever you want to do it doesn't matter if you you know photographer if you you write things if you make jewelry if you if your blog if you shoot videos you have to have a website somewhere people can go land and see what it is you do squarespace does amazing 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strawberry daiquiri which i've already cracked and watermelon mojito oh that tastes good even coming up as a burp i kind of enjoyed it speaking of vacation did you know that 54 of americans don't use their vacation days and that's why bud life seltzer's out of the office pack is giving you a chance to win a thousand dollars towards your next vacation or staycation submit your funniest out of the office email at bud light.com slash taste time off one word for more information and a chance to win that's bud light.com taste time off uh i've been enjoying these all day i think you're gonna enjoy them when you go on vacation be sure to grab bud light seltzer's out of the office variety pack for a very limited time only at a store near you welcome another episode of two bears one cave he's bert cricher i'm tom segura probably the most excited i've ever been to start a show this is super exciting man so for those who don't know uh about a week ago we were talking about how i've seen videos of uh guys especially like some football players who had unique handshakes for everybody on the team so we just googled it and the first video that came up you said you said cortez lewis that's the first you said it well we did our search and then cortez came up first uh cortez played at wake forest and there was a montage video of him doing completely different handshakes with everybody on the team and like really unique some of them like really complicated and and i tried to come up with an email to send to cortez where i said uh hey we're big fans we we're looking for a signature handshake for our for our show yeah could you do it was horrible and i didn't think in a million years we would ever get a reply yeah and not only did you get a reply that he would he would do this for us but we actually have him on the line right now so without further ado please welcome cortez lewis to the show cortez can you hear us can you see us yes i can hear it see you guys hey man this is excel before we get to what you got for us tell me about so like how did that develop for you doing the handshakes with everybody on the team were you always a handshake dude you know grow like as a kid in high school yeah so that was a thing that i had started when i was in high school middle school like i had a group of guys and we all had different signature handshakes and so once i got to college i had went to college with a former teammate of mine demetrius kemp he played with me at uh my high school and he went to college with me and uh we had our own secret handshake from back home right and so people saw that and it was like damn that's neat yeah so i end up having buddies that i played on the team when they was like yo we want a handshake dog so one day one day it's crazy one day my assistant coach he was like assistant ga and we were at practice and i didn't even know he's just recording me walking up behind me as i'm going through my you know daily routine at practice and he's recording all my handshake and i get in the locker room after practice and everybody's going nuts like cortez bro you're a sports center take your phone and i'm like okay i checked my phone and here i go on sportscenter the next day is being called interviewed me and they called me and named me handshake king over lebron and i was still a little bit you know shock about that yeah so once i made that handshake with like 10 to 20 50 people everybody wanted a handshake the president of the university listen they was even listening listen they was even saying it at the football games like win a free handshake with quartet [Laughter] wait so wait is it because one of the things that's like it's wild when you watch it right is you go like all right he's got a handshake with this dude and that dude but once you start getting to like six seven eight nine ten dude you're like yo so is it hard to remember each person you know what i mean like to so honestly you gotta think so it's crazy i'm gonna blow your mind i've had i have over currently 200 plus different handshakes come on man come on seriously seriously because once everybody started they made espn yeah everybody figured that if they had a handshake with me then they would be on espn2 right so i'm talking about the sororities the fraternities the president everybody wanted a freaking handshake and it was cool because i got to see these people on a daily like throughout going to class right in the cafeteria so once i saw them it was like a muscle memory thing like we knew we had that connection with each other and it was just one of the favorite ones that we both loved when we were watching like the montage was the one where it looks like it's over and the dude turns around and he comes back oh yeah that was nice man he's the middle linebacker for the oakland raider oh jesus wow hey where'd you go to high school by the way i'm from born and raised in democracy alabama okay yeah i received a full scholarship to play ball at week four is my uh junior year in high school congratulations wow that's nice so wait where are you living now i'm in north carolina okay i'm still in western salem actually oh really i went to college i went to college in north carolina too i went to college where you went i went to lenoir-rhyne in hickory north oh yeah i know where you at yeah yeah the first the furniture capital man that's that's what they call it he didn't get a full ride he's just a full-sized body yeah that's right that's right no full ride no full ride for me i paid i paid the full tuition um so wait how do we monetize you coming up like there's got to be a way you know the the old uh the old thing for like uh come up with your porn star name it's your name your first pet in the street you lived on yeah yeah what's the way to come up with an app for you where you where people can go me and my friend need a handshake because that's what's happening here me and my friends we need to do we really need to create that yeah yeah i mean do you have the website handshakeking.com no but i need to get there you need to lock that down yeah lock that down lock that down we'll give that to you here we have king.com we have it now we got it so that's how we got that's how fast we move cortez we got it i mean you're a tom brady fan yeah yeah yeah yeah you know that's my guy right no no you got a handshake with him i end up graduating from wake forest and um i rupture my achilles completely off the bone damn and we was playing texas a m in the belt bowl and graduated from wake and i just looked up the best rehabilitation place in the country because wait once my scholarship was up i could no longer see rehab so i googled tom brady foundation it's called tb12 sports and i flew to boston they said it was like 350 for our treatment session and i go there and while i'm there i mean they're encouraging people that i don't even know you know like let's go let's get right you know that's just how i am with football yeah so i go there and i'm motivating people to get you know get themselves together and as i leave alex guerrero tom brady's right-hand man was training me that day so when i was leaving i paid my money he was like hey cortez he was like it was a pleasure to meet you he was like we need more people like you around here he was like i'm going to take you through this foundation application if you take your time and fill this out then we'll take care of any injury you have for the rest of your life what and by the grace of god i got accepted and so they was flying me back and forth every four weeks doing treatment on my achilles and got me back got me a full scholarship to play in western michigan went there um the unfair francois he was a former quarterback from florida state yeah he ended up was supposed to go to fau but we went to happy university so i was at western training for two months and he called me like bro come play with me in hampton went to hampton and we both got our masters from hampton and declared from the draft holy [ __ ] man i had no idea jesus i remember dirty uh that's what they called him right that's my god dirty yeah i remember that man um wait wait and so what are you doing now so right now i gotta say i declare for the draft my age is working to get me signed to nfl team i'm driving trucks for ups right now in north carolina all right well this is what we're gonna do this is this is the way our brains work see we like to put out big feelers like the reason we're talking to you i don't know if you're familiar with jennifer aniston but i've heard it at night yeah yes she's like one of our close friends and we just put it out on the podcast that we wanted to meet her and that she should probably have a dude there for safety and next you know jennifer aniston's blowing up our spot dearest bert you're my favorite sending me dudes yeah and so what what this is what we think we're gonna get we're gonna get you we're gonna get you big corporate deals before you get drafted so that you getting drafted as a no-brainer and i'm hoping you go to the box now i'm good friends with the glazers no doubt tom brady's there right now yeah we're going to get you on the box we're going to get and i'm going to start i like i'm going to start and what we're gonna start with is with your jersey yeah and and like i mean just you're you're you're just bigger see some people you're bigger than you're blessed yeah you got you got good energy you definitely have you got good energy and this is what the world needs yes there's certain there's certain people where i go i go i'd buy his jersey and they're like yeah but he's the kicker for the rams yeah i was like i don't know johnny hecker challenging jared goff to see who could hit the field goal poll from 30 yards out and bet money on it i go that's my guy i like johnny hecker now yeah and he's just a punter b i like that guy and that's what teams need are more guys like you positive vibes only man and you can play so i'm telling you yeah all right well let's look we gotta we gotta ask what is gonna be bert and my secret handshake what's our handshake gonna be all right you ready i'm ready yeah yeah we're super excited i stand up okay and listen i did a little research i see you had that little accident with basketball so i wasn't sure how quick you can move and [ __ ] that wasn't [ __ ] just so you know i'm kidding it hurt like a [ __ ] all right pull your bike up like this okay all right all right so liz so you guys stand up and you gonna clap hands twice so it's uh oh yeah uh uh our hands i'm sorry just yeah you guys ain't yeah twice and you're gonna i wish you guys wasn't in that tight upper space because i had a little euro step move it was only like three steps that's it let's see it let's see it so it's right left and you're gonna walk two steps past each other turn around stop up and you're gonna grind like a grizzly bear let's go let's go hold on we gotta make some room he can't handle it we got to do baby steps again all right so okay step up one person two you're not gonna just get it right on top right repetition right okay all right so one two two tabs one two one two and you guys take your hand like you got a basketball okay and you you go right okay and you go right okay okay but you guys going so stand close right you're right you're right okay so i go past you this way right left and then back you go that way you go that way yeah and you take two steps so you one two you turn around you huh slap it and wow yeah yeah boom what's up two bears secret handshake two better secret handshake oh i love it i love it we're gonna practice the [ __ ] out of this it's really lit i'm like [ __ ] that handshake king gave it up man this is this is good stuff oh this is great you know what we're doing for an hour after we finish today right we're just going to rehearse this we're just going to rehearse this yeah yes oh my god this is the best oh man oh this is so great i can't wait till you're playing for the box i'm on this right now i'm on this right now man alex guerrero gonna talk about hey we said it was gonna happen so you're happy if it's meant bro it's gonna happen it's gonna happen man i'm telling you i will [ __ ] into the universe i got i got the luckiest guy in the entire world and i can make [ __ ] happen i can will stuff into the universe i got a career and i'm not that funny and i just take my shirt off on stage i mean can you believe it yeah this is so great man this is great this handshake i'm not telling you man we're going to give you that site and we got to build a site that's just like just about this like i mean super positive but have you know have your montage have the videos have maybe like uh tips points on what would be great would be great is if you could just enter things in so say you and your buddy are looking for a website you're like how old are you and you type that in and then all the aspects of a handshake you go well they're already too old for that okay so we're going to definitely yeah yeah like like yeah like what what kind of music do you like and you're like okay i get it if you're unfamiliar with dot dot dot you're not gonna get dot dot dot yeah yeah there's no what's the this one yeah the you know yeah yeah you know what i was trying to do sorry this one like where you so we're gonna we're we're on top of it and by the way we'd like to be your agent also oh okay yeah that's fine yeah like i said that's fine hey let's let's do this let's let's start an agency master p did it okay and we'll and i think he's buying reebok for real yes dude we can do this we can you're our first you're our first client we've just we have just started to bear sports management yeah two bears stores management court says [Music] run this by your legal team i can't wait i can't wait to bear sports management look man and we just signed our first client the handshake king cortez lewis this listen we're gonna stay in touch with you man we want to keep in touch with you throughout this whole thing um we're definitely they'll be in touch about the site and and we'll get working on that for you and uh man we just we really appreciate you man this is a lot of fun so let's like you know what we're do we're going to work on our handshake we're going to shoot it and then we're going to we're going to send you the video you got to give us like a you know a rating all right let's say no more and you guys like i said it's repetition and you just once you speed it up a little bit more it looks so much sweeter yeah okay yeah yeah really doing it like one two three you gotta get a little bit of movement yeah yeah it's dope but thank you guys for having me man absolutely no thank you thank you thank you cortez appreciate you man stay safe take care brother yeah all right uh hell that was amazing yeah that was amazing thank you for that call cortez uh we will be right back oh i hope jennifer anderson sees that and goes i'm gonna blow cortez out of the water when they meet me wait a lo i'll do their secret handshake to them this episode is sponsored by blue chew say it with us blue chews blue chew they're making waves and bringing more confidence into the bedroom by offering chewable tablets that help men get stronger and longer lasting erections bluetooth is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as viagra and cialis but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost bluetooth tablets help men achieve harder stronger erections to combat all forms of ed that's erectile dysfunction blue chew is an online prescription service so no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations no waiting in lines at the pharmacy ships directly and discreetly to your door process is super simple sign up at bluetooth.com consult a licensed medical professional and or provider and once you're approved you'll receive prescription within days best part 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by exploiting your personal data think about how much of your life is on the internet sadly every site you visit video you watch or message you send gets tracked and data mined but when you run expressvpn on your device the software hides your ip address something big tech can use to personally identify you so expressvpn makes your activity harder to trace and sell to advertisers that's a big win for you so stop handing over your personal data to big tech monopoly that minds your activity and sells your information protect yourself with the vpni trust to keep me safe online visit expressvpn.com cave that's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-v-p-n dot com slash cave to get three extra months free go to dot expressvpn.com slash cave right now to learn more unbelievable i'm so excited we started the sports management company see what cortez doesn't know is he just got in the car with a [ __ ] lunatic yeah yeah he doesn't understand and now look let's be very fair i am i obviously i have big ideas and i and i'm and i look trust me when i know how crazy i am i'm with me all the time he doesn't know what he just signed up for because i can also will [ __ ] into existence we case in point we're we got him on the phone today and and we have our own secret answer secret handshake we seriously sit in the shower thinking to myself two weeks ago think a week ago thinking we need a secret handshake he's like a [ __ ] idiot only a [ __ ] idiot 48 year old man sits in the shower and goes me and my friend need a secret handshake what [ __ ] grown man like this is but this is what is this is what's good with me and what's wrong with me what [ __ ] if you're a man right now a man i'm just doing men right now i'm just doing men if you're a man how many times have you sat in the shower and thought to yourself earnestly me and my best friend need a secret handshake probably never play never now i'm in a small pool of individuals that that's where their brain lands right now i'm also in a small pool that goes i'm getting one and but and i don't even see the mountain in front of me i go i'm getting one all i got to do is well into existence now this is why cortez is going to be we are going to be in hawaii at the pro bowl menu we're going to have matching hawaiian full pant suits full shirts why do we do hawaiian track suits by the sewing brothers oh god damn it this is why we're good together yeah hey selling brothers how are you no one no but i and this is what's even crazier this is what christ must have felt like when christ was like when he was like i i'm the son of god like i'm the son of god i know i know that that shit's gonna happen to me but guess what yeah you're gonna remember me now this is what cortez doesn't know he just got in the car with me and you now i'm the [ __ ] lunatic who's like take a left take a left take it on the left you're like that's a circle i'm like don't worry it'll work right yeah but i i'm already envisioning us in tampa right me and you yeah as agents by the way our percentage zero percent we don't want any more money yeah okay maybe five ten you gee tom does the business okay i i think in that field they take three percent actually for real yeah i really do seriously look up how much nfl agents commissions are three percent how much let me work it out for you how much are nfl agents commissions [Laughter] four percent oh okay uh oh no three okay okay that's what i was i was remembering more than four no nfl h are not permitted to receive more than three percent see okay that's fine and nba agents not more than four percent of their players playing contracts i think maybe okay you can get more of an endorsement contract we're already going to do shoe deals we're going to do glove deals i think most agents though are have been to law school can we call your dad yeah my dad can look over the contract okay yeah and my dad will look over the contracts me and you are just the face of our agency okay on the sidelines one buck place right yes they come up twobearssportsmanagement.com if you're an athlete and you want representation from people who don't work in the field but but with great ideas and make magic happen we can make magic happen we're gonna get an agent i do think we could hustle right now and get cortez some type of endorsement oh i think that's illegal in college right he's not in college anymore okay he's declared for the draft oh we can definitely get it in the door what i'm saying we should get we can get training camp indoors oh my god i know a great collagen supplement i know we tom this is what we do yeah this is what oh my god we can totally we got do you like viewery clothing yes because it's comfortable but then you can work out in it that's perfect for him and we can do some commercials really can we [ __ ] reach out to cortez and hook him up yeah we can hook up cortez he's an athlete so anything like how do you what about your socks do you like features oh they're fantastic i mean we could really let's go with today's what are today's ones uh bare bottom i just got all that clothes by the way they're out of tampa that kid went to berkeley prep i know that guy bare bottoms comfortable as [ __ ] their sweatshirt looks amazing right now cortez do you own property do you want to insure it yeah oh guys never mind those are previous episodes ads okay but you get it we have other sponsors how do you relax after a practice yeah with a refreshing low-calorie bud light yeah of course your seltzer when i'm done working out there's only one thing that makes me feel right and that's bud light seltzer coming in mango strawberry daiquiri and classic margarita which one are you gonna try i'm gonna try i'm trying the strawberry deck i'm gonna i'm gonna my time mango mai tai by the way i'm i'm on a little bit of a drinking kick lately you and i have to meet with my trainer but that's okay it's only a hundred calories that is good mmm that's really good can i tell you i love when something's like strawberry grape rat i'm like yep you're talking to the kool-aid king over here yeah know we have so many big deals we're gonna go and send i guarantee you how here's what we're gonna do we're gonna start with cortez he's gonna be like our and i and i don't um this isn't how i'm gonna pitch you to the box he's gonna be our pop-up shop right yeah meaning we're gonna try all our [ __ ] out on him yeah we're gonna blow his spot up he's gonna sign a contract we're gonna probably go three years ten million dollars is what we're looking for first round by the way what position does he play do you have a receiver yeah wide receiver [ __ ] done mike evans is going to take him under his wing they get tatted up secret handshake right whatever and oh he's gonna be yeah of course this is such a [ __ ] no-brainer we're gonna get him boat sponsorships in tampa yeah we'll get him on cowhead all the time he'll be like guy on the street like like come in third mike with cowhead dude we can blow this [ __ ] guy up i can get him a car immediately i know all the car people i know all the car people in tampa all right oh dude i can [ __ ] we can do this man we can start a sports company how much this is how we're going to become billionaires your new representation cortez if this is how i'm talking about you to strangers yeah imagine how i'm going to talk to people who want to work with you yeah that didn't i don't think that yeah it's all right he gets it i know i know how he's gonna stay hydrated liquid death oh you know we should get him on please please please tell me it's insa after this his next immediate thing is cameo hey cake hey cortez can i get a secret handshake dude you [ __ ] okay we should probably get his phone number yeah we need to get him on cameo and he immediately dude we're talking about we're someone's like hey you know my wife and i are having an anniversary we want a secret handshake cortez like hey happy anniversary what's your price point we're being as his agent i mean i think he's a good price point what's kevin kneelands whatever kevin neil and says he can do that let me just figure like i do kevin neal and i'd pay for kevin nealon he's a [ __ ] celebrity there i don't know let's find out cameo kevin nealon oh wait i like really like kevin nealon yeah neil is fantastic oh how about this i'm gonna [ __ ] call this little [ __ ] almost caller but it's my wife you ready for this i think you did you're ready come on still i'll do a blender back all day i i i had a premise i wanted to talk to you about and i couldn't remember and i ran up by leanne and she goes actually that's pretty funny she never says that and i woke up this morning i go what was that premise she goes i don't know you have so many stupid [ __ ] ideas and i was like i had a [ __ ] great premise this is where i know where this promise is going i wish i wish all the women i didn't make feel sexually uncomfortable in life which is hundreds of millions would come forward at once and be like oh just so you know bert's a good guy oh i gotcha i went on five dates with him and he never tried to kiss me i thought he was gay i told my friends he was gay yeah like i wouldn't be and then i had to be like oh i'm gonna she's gonna go oh that is the idea hey do you remember the idea i was like what was that idea we were talking about for the podcast baby i don't remember no i no i know but i finally remembered it and i wanted to tell you okay i wish all the women that i that i didn't make feel sexually uncomfortable would come forward at one time oh yeah that was it she likes it and then my wife would be the last one actually i had to ask him out on the date and he had a hard time giving me my first guest and the first time he had sex it was so fast i don't think anyone would consider it even sex so what do you think awesome sounds great all right love you super dismissive that is so condescending my point is kevin nealon is a [ __ ] solid dude yeah he is and and what do i call him you know him yeah yeah yeah what are we going to ask him oh yeah if he's on cameo he's not on cameo they looked it up oh he's not no let's go i think cortes should do pretenses on cameo we're getting them on cameo today i think you obviously we're not airing this but we need to get cortez on cameo today as his agents this is already 100 this is by the way 100 this is in the future is 100 bucks is that a lot that's how much would how much would you pay for a secret handshake hundred bucks that's cool you're getting the handshake king to give you a handshake 100 bucks 100 bucks 100 bucks 100 bucks you have to invest you can't be like i want yeah you're right 10 he's like come on he's like yeah 100 bucks you're right yeah 100 bucks 100 bucks and if you don't want to spend a hundred bucks on it then you don't get a secret and by the way can you get cortez lewis like oh now that this is out we've already set up his cameo i'm guessing right but yeah by the time yes by the time this airs yes his cameo is already up and running yes so now we're in the future if you would like your own signature handshake from cortez lewis go to cameo look up cortez lewis the handshake king submit and he will make you your own signature handshake and we get three percent of that uh i mean we're really getting [ __ ] as nfl agents yeah we are this [ __ ] oh we can get four percent no oh no you know what he i don't want to do i don't want to do this yeah we're not going to take any of this i don't want to do the math and be like how many did you do today like no no no well this is why we're great agents is we're going to be like whatever we're just going to be you know super positive about it and hope that he does a bunch of them but look we also we also have these are this is you know what this is we have to make one point real clear we haven't cleared any of this with him so he might not be on cameo and he might be but he might be as his agents we pretty much talked him into it which we should definitely talk to legal counsel and see if this is what we're doing is highly illegal talk to your dad he's a he's a lawyer all right yeah he definitely knows what you want to hear this is my impression of my dad my whole life hearing my hairbrained ideas where he's like buddy what okay hold on where the [ __ ] are you drinking is it better if i i mean my dad's a bad [ __ ] call because i'm afraid he's gonna be like what the [ __ ] dad buddy i'm sitting with your grandmother she's turning 100 can we just [ __ ] talk about something else i hope he shoots this down so hard hey bert hey dad how you doing good what's going on good i'm you're i'm on a podcast with tom and i want to run a business idea by you and get your take your honest knee-jerk reaction is this billable time no this is not billable time well you might maybe maybe tom and i uh have started a sports management company and we are now we're representing an uh free draft agent free driving agent free agent and we are going to be his agents what is the legality of that yeah i'd do that once you jump both feet in [Laughter] do you need any license to be an agent you know a lot of people go to law school well hey here's the pitch big guy you know how you were looking thinking about retiring well how about you cruising to retirement as a sports management attorney so what we'll do is we'll get the contracts we'll send them to you we're just the face of the company you have any clients big boy yeah cortez lewis hold on i'm passing you to my business side of my team i just how you doing mr k i can't wait to get started i just i just wanted something to be clear this is not a we thing this is all bert's idea yeah well i thought you were the smart one but i'm the one who said call your dad we got cortez lewis he's a free agent and he's just signed with us and bert convinced him that we actually are management people [Music] three percent well yeah but bert also said oh yeah we'll get you three years ten million dollar contract uh so he's got a starter yeah we're going to get it for the box yeah oh ben bert also said we'll get you signed with the box oh by the way and i'll get you a car he said i know everybody who can get you and see if you can get someone you know what he sounds like yeah he does he does see if there's someone in tampa who can get him a car do you know anyone that can get him a car in tampa do you know anyone get in the car uh no well i do but i would never ask him that's why you're that's why you're part of the team dad okay listen we'll we'll do a zoomed call me you and tom and figure the out the logistics but let's get someone on the line welcome to the team yeah welcome to team dad what are we oh we're gonna come up with a name for our company and then we'll call you back yeah great idea i'll i'll wait for your call [Laughter] god like everything like he didn't have to say it but like you could hear in his voice that he's like you guys are [ __ ] stupid two-bear sports management two-bear sports management limited or i'm trying to think two bear sports management's just that's different it's perfect two bear sports management yeah and that's a the uh we're diversifying remember when i told you we need to become billionaires yes when you had the whole yeah and this is how we're gonna do it we're gonna start our holding company what's gonna happen is he's gonna walk onto i guarantee you i guarantee you last year brady's contract he leans over to us and he's like hey man i like what you did with cortez yeah i guarantee you i guarantee it oh he's gonna go i guarantee you i guarantee you when we get them signed to the box i guarantee you we pick up five five clients immediately immediately guys going i like what you do with cortez yeah cortez first of all we gotta get him a [ __ ] sick ride sick track suits we we need to really kind of mold him in our in like and let's get our glow let's get cortez's uh sizing and let's get him some sewing brothers track suits too because we're showing up first day of training camp yeah me and you were coming with him yeah we're all having matching whatever car we get in tampa i guarantee you i get him a car i guarantee you i can get a car i believe you i know i can get him a car we can get him a boat i'm so excited about this i can tell you anyway i'm actually thinking about putting my career on pause to focus on corteses which is a good idea which is a great idea i can definitely get him a part in a sitcom oh my god oh this is so big this is gonna be huge this is gonna be huge he just needed guys like us yeah yeah yeah and now we have a secret handshake i mean like i'm so excited for it i like when we walk past the other oh [ __ ] um [ __ ] i'm like i'm bubbling with okay let's change subjects let's change subjects because i'll do this all day i'll stop and then by the way we'll keep coming back to cortez lewis yeah yeah yeah for sure we will we can pick up their field goal kicker in a [ __ ] heartbeat who's there like whoever that is what's his name i know it it's uh it's a weird name it is the field goal here for the bucks we're gonna pick up this guy their punter right okay we're gonna clean up on the box and then we're gonna who is their kicker uh i i forget his name it's uh suck up oh ryan suck up but every time i hear it i always think it's a weird name i i feel bad saying that about a future client but yeah you'll understand how many agents have [ __ ] done you dirty and then kind of raw dogged you and then [ __ ] [ __ ] with you we aren't gonna be those guys see that's what is beautiful about our management company is we've been through the ring or we've been talent we know how to treat talent oh my god this company's selling itself tom i think we're gonna have a number of calls after this show comes out we might we might be signing multiple people at the same time dude we could start signing pro surfers i'm so deeply involved in the pro-surfing community deeply involved i watch a lot of videos i watch a lot of videos and i know their names okay nathan florence is our first sign okay we're getting nathan florence is our first do you have any do you ever talk to him uh not i've texted with him you've texted with him i've texted with him okay nathan florence where's he in hawaii yep in hawaii by the way this is next level this is next [ __ ] level we are we're going to look at take sports to a brand new level we're going to sign a professional pickleball player right mm-hmm we should sign a golfer okay we sign uh we need we should get one from every sport so when you go to our front page of our website yeah you can see all our athletes yeah that's a good idea and very loose contracts you know we could also do for that website what uh have another like a sub category that's called potential signings and just put like the biggest stars in the in sports everyone's like oh you have like [ __ ] cristiano ronaldo and lebron james like potentially yeah we're gonna talk to him this week we have potential and then we should have clients we won't sign yeah i got a few names for you oh you know who could be a great potential signing for us i just did a podcast with dion sanders yeah let's sign him let's give him a shout [ __ ] yeah yeah hey prime i know everything's working out but do you want to go better yeah oh oh my god this is great this is [ __ ] this is see this is what's great about a podcast the tournament is finally here the brackets have been set the teams are ready to hit the court and draftkings the leader in dave one day fantasy is celebrating their largest free college basketball survivor pool ever how large one million dollars in total prize prizes are up for grabs and if that's not enough check this out when you enter the free draftkings one million dollar survivor pool you get a shot at winning ten thousand dollars for every upset through the first two rounds of the tournament super easy to play just pick one team per day if they win you survive in advance to the next round last person standing is a winner remember you can only pick a team once for the entire tournament so choose wisely draft cleanings is a safe and secure app you can deposit and withdraw your funds at your convenience get in on all this week's action download the draftkings app now enter the code bears to during sign up and enter free one million dollar survivor pool again that code is bears to enter into draftkings free one million dollar survivor pool eligibility restrictions in terms of position supply craftkings.com for full details this episode is brought to you by our partner whoop we all want to make healthier decisions we want to try to sleep better eat better live healthier lives especially with summer coming up beach season is around the corner we don't always know how our body is feeling how long to work out for how much sleep we need and also how the things we're doing the choices we're making are affecting our sleep our recovery our ability to put strain on our bodies i got a 72 recovery last night wow and i have a 15.7 strain today tom that's a lot already [ __ ] yeah see only you can only know that by being a wearing a whoop and having it set up i got it on my wrist super easy to charge best way to track my best wearable trick for tracking fitness device i've ever worn in my life for our listeners today if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot there's no better time to give it a shot than now our listeners can save 15 off a whoop with the code bears go to woop w-h-o-o-p dot com use the code bears at checkout to save yourself 15 off today know yourself with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from whoop oh by the way he told me that um he could bring us back hair wise see how he got his hair back oh i want to go full tilt i started thinking i've been using rogaine why don't we do this you want to get hair that's what i'm saying so it's a company called restore that's that's brand new that's what he got yeah new hair where did they take it from from your the side of your head i don't i'm not but i'm sitting there too i think no but you got enough for real yes go to restoration yeah if i could do it on the dl you can man i don't want lean to know i want to be like um okay i wear hats enough anyway yeah it's pretty does it say like look look i'm like that i'm like uh look after five months meryl i restore let me see female clients bro so what do they do they just take care of this is there like how it works kind of thing how we do it everyone who's gotten the hair uh the stuff has hated it gotten what no the old school ones oh yeah yeah the old school ones were bad i don't know what you're doing is this it and then what if they do the lasers penetrate through hair through hair or should be just looking on their frequencies yeah what if they what if they put hair in it but then they put a part that you didn't expect and you have a cowlick can they put in galax i don't think they can put those in i think those grow naturally they just put it upside down wait is it telling you anything no i'm not finding any info right now okay what is it like what's up with a cowlick what is a cowlick a cowlick that's an interesting that's like just like a pattern growth no type in cowlicks aggressive cowlicks aggressive cowlicks okay i remember uh brian callahan had a cowlick um okay who's got cowlicks how to fix i have a couple of crazy ones for real yeah yeah you just can't see it because i [ __ ] jake gyllenhaal has a cowlick yeah i'm not seeing what i'm looking for you want to see you want to see i want to see i want to see people that are that are their lives have been drastically effective is there no info on that site on the other side there has to be about right there right no would push be cool with you just getting a full head of hair know where it said about not there with the launch of i restore hair growth system okay a non-in non-drug free non-invasive way nicotine free pain-free nicotine-free yeah what are they talking about where does it say nyx growth scroll they're right there inspired us great solution people who grow health and beauty without compromising their health we started laser clinic uses lasers to help smokers overcome their addiction to a nicotine jesus okay so wait would you do this uh yeah yeah i'll do it yeah let's get re restore and see if they want to sponsor the podcast okay and you'll do will you rock full head of hair i will go full head of hair and i'll go girly like i'll tell you what i would be fun if you didn't know what you were getting and they were like i would give you a hair but good luck and like the new ones were all long blonde ones what would you do ponytail would you man bun it oh i would be so here's the problem is that every time i've seen someone who has hair they have to have someone come in and help them do their hair you can't just like no hair no one's gotten hair and it and then just been like flip flip you know wait is this um is this even the the thing that we were talking about though uh this is restore hair growth system i don't this might not be the one that dion was using can we look that up so that we're looking at the one he used like what the [ __ ] is that oh um like i i see every time i've known people with hair that has had hair replacements they also have to like it's like they can't they don't just have like a free head of hair right like it's like very delicate hair like they're like no no no no you can do it but i need someone to come in and do it and then put some topics on it and then and then it's got to be done this is what this is the company this is oh wow yeah this is the company that he that they did it with see oh richard branson did it that's not richard branson isn't it yeah it is no no it's not no okay so what does it say about it it's not your fault your father's hair not your father's hair restoration goddamn my [ __ ] dyslexia has gotten so bad lately yeah you've been saying all kinds of crazy shits okay is there anything here here we go here we go short video on michael's procedure day okay you know someone just saw that video that's going here and they're like wait i grew up with that look look at it look man yeah yeah yeah looks bad that's actually not bad and it looks red that looks real yeah and um it's restore okay so what's he saying he's like i wasn't getting any [ __ ] yeah kind of and then this guy's like hey that doctor looks like me oh he's got like the full dome like he's he's full of horseshoe yeah and they're like yo we can only do this much for you um urlockers looks crazy erlockers but so you can't just full head does matthew mcconaughey have hair replacement his looks [ __ ] legit yeah see that's what i'd want i want matthew mcconaughey's hair you want mcconaughey's i never had good hair to begin with like like my whole life until i got short hair and then i started losing it yeah when i had long hair it looked horrific it did yeah i'll show you why do you think it looked better okay look he's a look they show him awake and laughing so he's like so he's just sitting there yeah i could do this and what do they do they just plug it in i think so oh how long does it take i don't know can you run your fingers through it and shampoo it or do you have to be like you can run your fingers through it yeah look look how happy he is show me activities he's doing i want to see him wakeboarding i guess he's not going to probably although then he gets hair and he becomes athletic look at this guy that's the baby by the way they better all have [ __ ] amazing hair yeah yeah yeah if that you tell me that guy on the right the uh dr farhan yeah if dr farhan was bald going into there yeah if that's his real hair then i'm like whatever [ __ ] cheater but if that's [ __ ] new hair come on dude that's amazing so what does it say like what's this say on the top left there breakthrough procedure this is what we're going to do breakthrough procedure give us a day results level no scalp no stitches no linear scarring that's the thing you don't want to see right yeah yeah awful looking hair plugs permanently scarring those are things of the past we're going to do the restore way so so do i go let's just do it let's let's do a video that's the old-school way oh yeah joe had that right yep yep yep and then let me see let me see let me see some guys yeah and uh tell look at those guys on the left there hey did floyd mayweather get his beard he got beard implants what yeah floyd mayweather got beard implants really hair training gets hair transplants for his beard uh-uh yeah he took it from his head and put it in his face no way i would love if my beard was the texture of my hair just flowing and soft you just do this wait what hairstyle would you rock with a full head of hair i would grow it out i think i would do one of these first you know like oh shorts i would love to come back yeah i would grow it out i'd do like a bob like a nice tight bob i would have so much i'd have so many fun hairstyles you know what i was talking to snoop about shoulder length hair would you do like just having oh yeah i'm growing it out i'm probably going to get a hair extensions i didn't even know you could do that until now i would get hair inspection extensions um i would definitely want a ponytail i would i just would want it i'd have a i'd [ __ ] rock a mullet one day there's so many things i do with great hair that's when i see people with hair that like nadav and you're like what are you doing yeah like you got a gray head of hair yeah and you just you're doing a caesar yeah like you i if i was in the dark i would grow it out crazy long how old are you nadav i'm 32. god you're young god you got your whole life ahead of you do you know what i was doing when i was 32 i was having kids and when i was 28 when i was 28 i said to myself i'm gonna be the most attractive i can be so i can find my partner i'm gonna lose weight i still have hair my teeth are okay i go i'm gonna i'm gonna do everything i can to get that really was your thought i did it i got leanne so you got you you worked together i actually worked to get liam i thought i don't like i this is really probably [ __ ] shallow thinking but i was like i don't like the women that are in the pool that i can get based on what i look like and i was like i'm overweight and you were at 28 28 yeah i i'm i was 28 i was like i was by the way now i look at him i was like i was 220 i was [ __ ] looking good yeah and then and there's nothing like resenting the people that are attracted to you because i i've had that before too and you're like hey what the [ __ ] like you're you think that we we should be together this is really insulting you're [ __ ] gross you know the people that are attracted to you you're like what the hell why do you even think that this is an option can i tell you can i tell you a game show i pitched i had i had a [ __ ] acting teacher one time who was like so there was a this was you know who was in my acting class no there's there were a few celebrities including one two of the backstreet boys were in the in the class who else was in your class this is an a.a tell me all of them um no so but then like people would pop in so like uh like danny glover would like pop into the back of the room like [ __ ] like that and then he walked into an acting class he's like i'm getting too old i mean it was just like it was wild she she had she had one-on-one coached huge huge names who is she what was the actor coach was it i don't know if we should say her name or not to say it they edit it out because i think i had the same one not that's not the one i had um but there was like real legit actors there and then sometimes you'd go to this class and you know you'd do scene work and like you know you'd see people like oh that's good and then like a a highly trained actor would go and you're like oh my god like it would be so moving how talented they were you're like holy [ __ ] you know and she would be the the toughest on those actors you know really like yeah yeah the actor would do a scene and the re the students we would be like you know uh oh you know who was in uh minka kelly was in my hoop i pulled her up she looks like that she sounds gorgeous oh she sounds gorgeous oh my god she was in my acting class she was in my acting class and she would wear scrubs she's married to um trevor noah what i don't think so oh they've been quietly dating hmm she would wear out she should wear [ __ ] scrubs because she was working as like a tech i don't think she was a nurse but you know so you should show up this chicken shop in scrubs to acting class minka kelly yeah she dated derek jeter for a while holy [ __ ] yeah a couple other dude that makes me that makes me respect trevor noah so much more than anything he's ever done that he's dating her the fact that he can date her and then not be like not be like jealous what do you mean look i couldn't you couldn't date her i couldn't date her and then be like did did jeter do this i'd be like i would ruin the relationship i would sabotage your own relate my own relationship with her because i would be jealous of all the people pull up people minka kelly dated i already know faison glover is faison love my face on love donald faison donald faison by the way you said danny glover i thought donald glover and i know and i saw a picture of donald faison and i thought of faison love she dated him how did you know she dated him i just saw a picture of the two of them together and at first i thought it was tiger woods and i was like wait stay to tiger woods and i was like never mind this face on it was from far away she dated that guy who's this guy brian white what's he do stomp the yard and scandal stomp the yard oh actors actors okay uh taylor nick no don't know who that is oh taylor kitsch that's i know who that is he was in um he was in uh i can't read from here i thought it was a taylor nick um taylor kitsch is a good-looking dude he's a good-looking dude friday night lights she did chris evans i guess so [ __ ] i have getting so much respect john mayer she did it john mayer right now trevor noah is watching this going what the [ __ ] holy [ __ ] is there anyone you didn't date topher grace is the sweetest guy in the world by the way this woman and derek jeter seven keep going raymond ramon rodriguez that was after derrick from charlie's angels tv pilot okay villain wilmer van lieland you know that is i do know but i don't know how to say it okay we'll just wilmer vandalize there you go val you say it you can't say it either and you grew up around where he grew up i did not wilmer valderrama okay you did it you [ __ ] off this [ __ ] jig dated everyone that's crazy huh she's like no no okay right now right now okay do you think so no trevor no i wish we had trevor noah's [ __ ] number by the way not the phone call i want to make in that class whenever wherever josh radnor who's he how i met your mother i don't know keep going jesse williams uh-huh what's that what is by the way i wouldn't mind being three or fourteen fourteen or fourteen like you know he's like just put me in the middle man i'm dating her now i want to just be my boyfriend now puppy is number one what the [ __ ] i think it's chronological [Laughter] yeah i respect trevor noah so much yeah oh my god he's that he is a confident dude i would i would be so i would i would ruin it didn't it say that he bought it 27 million dollars it's so beautiful so go to taylor go to uh trevor noah's house trevor trevor noah's house okay he said what if he's it's got it's got 14 pounds a million dollars jesus 27.27.5 million dollars oh my god well you can go let's see some [ __ ] tours of this thing oh okay it sells a house that's what it says it sells no yeah i think he lost money on it no he's just bought he blew the one that he bought that one go to the buys i've seen look at this it looks like a [ __ ] lair can i tell you i and i hope this doesn't sound bad i really do like trevor noah was at a he was at an event one time and my little sister went up and was like hey my brother's a comedian and he was like yeah she was like his name is burke chrysler he didn't know who the [ __ ] i was but he talked very nicely of me to my sister uh-huh she's like i ran into your friend trevor noah and i was like i've never met trevor noah yeah um what's crazy is uh he doesn't even live here this is a this is his second home how oh what the [ __ ] he lives in new york he shoots the show in new york right that's what he's done and by the way i don't i don't need a place to stay when i go to the west coast that's [ __ ] crazy yeah that's crazy uh the day before new year's eve the host the day is shelled out 27.5 million in 19 he dropped 20 million on a similar what does he how does he make his money ended up selling it last summer so he made a little money on that how does he make money would like host the daily show but that what is it i'm not even i'm not even being crass or like or uh obstinate obtruse um i i what does that pay i can't pay no idea i have no idea what the people what i mean how much can you make on a tv show i mean i think on a show like that where it's kind of that show is the brand it's the flagship brand of comedy central you know the daily show like that is like world renowned and it was it's so well known i guarantee they tell you what he gets paid for the daily show who do we know that who who do we know that could tell us what you get for sure i don't know i mean i know that john stewart was making crazy john stewart's different than trevor noah no disrespect no no i'm saying he was making crazy money yeah but he did he created that show like he made that show craig kilburn was the first host actually lin's winstead liz winston she's in the show yeah she created the show yeah and then [ __ ] she's got to be looking at trevor noah's house going i don't get a little taste yeah that would [ __ ] really nice house man this is how insane you do do we know do you know have you ever met trevor noah mm-hmm i met him in new york at the comedy festival would you like know him to be like hey man would you come to your house no no no not now he's definitely not going to invite us now he's like i'm waiting to meet my girlfriend minko and we're like oh we know i know you're number 14 dog i'm getting a trapper a 15 by 60 foot infinity pool that i think looks that is beautiful yeah that is nothing let me say something beautiful minka is this is a long time ago so when i when i met her when we were in acting class together we how old is she now um look at her age please say she's 45. no way she's in her late 30s i bet she's 40. okay so we're about the same age i'm one year older when we were in acting class 40 by the way 14 is not bad for a 40 year old woman 14 is not bad for a 30 year old woman but like she's [ __ ] lived a goddamn life like i'm just just to be fair trevor's i'm sure is going like she's [ __ ] 40 so we were the [ __ ] down of course we were uh 23 and 22 in this class so like i'm just saying you could not pay attention to what's going on in class when and she would sit there in the scrubs no makeup no nothing and basically every guy would just be like like just staring at her just staring at her what a cool name minka that i remember this acting teacher so there was also a couple models and [ __ ] you know like people wanting to be actors so yeah everyone heard that this is the person to go to so i got referred there by an actual like a working actress who's like this girl this lady's this [ __ ] one time the there's a this beautiful girl in class and then there was a not so good looking one and uh oh wait remind me to tell you a story off camera all right oh okay uh the teacher was like i mean i don't know member names let's just say like hey uh you know what i think you should go out with i was like oh whoo then you know my class has like minka and like beautiful women she was like uh [ __ ] emily and i was like the fullback that sits in the in the third row what the [ __ ] are you talking about she's like she's sweet and so are you i was like god damn it's been and this was like a life oh yeah and this was like the best i've ever looked i was like hey [ __ ] you lady best i've ever looked yeah i was like why would you think that's a pair up why is it because she's nice and you're nice i was like oh man and i went out with that model though it didn't work out all right i don't want to go out with someone that is too hot meaning like leanne's perfect for me [Music] that didn't come out come out right that's such an ass name oh [ __ ] oh oh [ __ ] me oh my god i'm i'm like i i'm today has been a how how can i supposed to go on a date with leanne tonight how was our conversation gonna [ __ ] compare to this no it's not it's not yeah where you guys gonna go dinner i don't know can you text her talking points where are you going where are you going uh we're going to this one it's an outdoor dining place i don't know it's hard to explain it's outdoor dining place up by the girls school you ready to switch switch up what you ready to start dating someone's going no i wouldn't you know i wouldn't mind like her getting lost at sea yeah and then me being like heartbroke and then doing some stuff to try to get my side straight and then her coming back and be like i didn't know no i'm not about right we thought we were dead all right but how long have you gone for in this scenario um a year and she brought her invisalign so she comes back and she's like it's so funny i'm back and i don't need to wear invisalign anymore i'm like where's that [ __ ] up and then she's like what's going on you're like i've been dating um we got the house set up i hope you're excited the girls are going to be pumped to see you they're in college when i say girls there's also a couple live in here now yeah oh yeah hey minka mishka mickey mouse god damn it oh my god all right guys you've heard us talk about bud light seltzer and bud light seltzer lemonade but they have a new one it's the out of office variety pack we were drinking them today out of office is that probably because 54 of americans don't go on use their vacation days yeah how did you know that i am trust me i know this i'm a guy that's built for vacations you certainly are and did you know bud light seltzer out of office pack is giving you a chance to win a thousand dollars towards your next vacation or staycation i know what would we do with that thousand dollars a thousand dollars i would buy half a pair of sunglasses you know so it's pretty cool maybe i would uh order a round of appetizers i would do have a lot of fun with it i'd stand up at the pool bar and go bud light seltzer for everyone they've got four great flavors all the flavors are amazing what do we have classic lime margarita mango my strawberry daiquiri watermelon mojito oh my favorite ordering strawberry strawberry this one's the best one strawberry decorated that's the way i would go be sure to grab the bud light seltzer out of office variety pack for a very limited time only at a store near you um what else what did we not cover today what did we not cover yeah well you're training you're looking great i'm feeling great i had this did you weigh today no i didn't weigh today when's the last time you weighed i want a little bit of a bender this weekend can i see the scale thing does it get right no please let me see it you don't have to look i why no i've been i've been looking okay but you weren't looking before yeah i started looking uh 243 is the last weight oh yeah all right but i'm uh i'm lifting like [ __ ] i love lifting weights it's great it's such a but it really does instigate like a [ __ ] side of my brain it does what like like it really kind like i i think i'm not certain but if you lift weights i feel like it does increase your testosterone and if it does increase your testosterone i feel that in insanely quickly and i become a little bit of a meathead and i start doing meathead things what kind of things are you doing like shoulder checking my wife into a wall like out of the way nerd no uh no just like vanity things where you're like put your arm in a shirt and you don't stretch it out as much anymore and you're like yeah yeah yeah it's interesting what's interesting to me is that like uh la actors and i don't mean this disparagingly for the most part weren't like the uh meathead tough guys in high school they weren't the guys lifting weights in the locker room right they're just like the sensitive guy who or not always sometimes they're dirt bags yeah just couldn't get [ __ ] in high school and then they came out and this is how they do it but like for the most part like me and you were regular guys in high school like lifted weights yeah if you give me a set of 50s and you go hey when i need you to do bench i need you to do bench press with those i'm not gonna [ __ ] collapse them on my face i'm i know when i get to eight how i feel and if i can go to [ __ ] 20 i'll do 20. but i'm i'm my i've used my body my whole entire life having said that i i see like uh when i see like hollywood actors that get like yolked or ripped it's kind of funny because i know that when i do that my meatheadness comes out right they never had that growing up and then all of a sudden they become that and i'm not like i'm not saying like i don't wish i could pick a name of a guy but i can't but i want i want to see the meat-headedness of them come out because it's there right when you get ripped you become very vain and like [ __ ] and those hormones are real man yeah when that just starts kicking up you definitely i can sense it with me in like in like competitiveness and just the way my brain works when i'm when i'm lifting weights and when you see those guys that go from like you know like i'm i'm saying chris evans we just saw a picture of him but like he's i don't think i don't know anything about chris evans it's not fair i'm trying to say like a hollywood guy who was just a regular guy and then he got [ __ ] jacked yeah and then you're like uh what's the guy who played uh wolverine hugh jackman hugh jackman is like a sensitive dude in real life yeah yeah in real dude life he's a singing dancing yeah theater guy he really is a theater guy yes but then he gets jacked right yeah and he's [ __ ] wolverine and where's the theater you can't even see the theater guy and what's crazy is that when you are lifting weights like that that theater guy is dead inside he's like what i want to dance you and he's like we don't dance that's true we dead lift [ __ ] then we do a box jump 10 deadlifts 10 dogs jumps let's go [ __ ] like i don't need to lift weights look at him in this one look at this huh me do a box jump oh oh my dearest son look at that you couldn't waterboard me into that outfit i believe you would get in that outfit actually i wouldn't there's a there's a sensitive there's a sensitive he's a tremendous talent man is he hugh jackman he's super talented you think he's talented i don't know okay i mean i'm not like wolverine's good movie no i'm saying though like somebody who can sing and dance and hold let me see a reel let me see a sizzle reel a few jackman all right hugh jackman's sizzle reel and i'll tell you if he's talented or not uh it's probably good hugh jackman he's going to go to college i'll tell you what i like about him there's a lot of things i like about hugh jackman acting real okay i'm gonna hit pause hit pause i'm gonna run this idea by you okay is hugh jackman talented or is he just the rip dude who decided to put on tap shoes and everyone's like oh lin swan can tap dance also no i think he's super i think he's actually like what what movies has he been in top 10 hugh jackman moments well these are i mean these are probably all gonna i'm assuming this is gonna be him it's either gonna be from talk shows which is we that we don't wanna see or it's gonna be from movies let's see tony's yeah there he is what is this what movie is this oh what's this the prestige he was in the prestige oh hugh jackman's a [ __ ] [ __ ] dude i love this movie oh i [ __ ] love this movie oh [ __ ] that was hugh jackman that's you jackman oh shut oh that's not hit that's that's christian that's what i was look thinking of that's you jacking right there hugh jackman was the other guy [Music] caitlin leopold look i'm gonna make a a very ignorant statement all these period pieces are cheap codes and acting anyone can do that he was in swordfish there he is shooting a [ __ ] rocket launcher god damn it keep going that was with halle berry right yeah i saw that there you go keep going john travolta travolta's oprah wait he was on the oprah winfrey show yeah keep going okay someone like you uh pass pass okay butter butter doing a real acting face there yeah the oscars okay let's see because they're showing you there you can host he can sing you can dance all right he's he's the real deal my bad my bad hugh yeah deception he was in deception okay i'm really sorry hugh you are the real deal and you're jacked and you can dance and you can sing he was in the tony's to be a tony to get a tony you got to be able to legit act right yeah those are like the real theater actors i bet i could do that [ __ ] for sure you could x2 x2 look he's pretty pretty awesome in these but it's like yeah he's [ __ ] ripped yeah and it's a good he does that character well he does he does see this could be you i could do i could do uh i'll tell you what let's do our own i guess you can't do it yet until you can walk like walk no but we should do a dance like a thing for the tonys like something submit it submit it for the tonys yeah you have to be like in a legit play for the tournament remember that time that you picked me up uh i think it was to go to brea and i get in the car and you go kiss me and i go what and you go i go no and you go how how will i know i can trust you and i was like what the [ __ ] and then you go i've done that to a bunch of guys you know and i was like well i mean i don't feel comfortable i don't remember this at all and then you go we'll just do it or we're not going to drive to the show and i was like all right so then i kiss you and you go ah i got you and i've gotten a bunch of guys like and you're like young guys and good looking guy yeah oopsie [Laughter] oh man can you show me that thing in your phone like all these guys pictures and stuff remember yeah i didn't think you'd bring it up here but yeah by the way this is all a lie i never [ __ ] kissed him or a lot of guys but there was one guy [Laughter] no there was there was a guy they got so quiet my brain my brain thinks about this and i'm sure this is what's wrong with me right after i got my first deal in la i came i was lived in l.a for like seven months and i came back and i would i've been working the door at the boston comedy club in new york in new york and at the time no one was really working the door like there was a guy named louis shaffer he was running the door but i was just barking for stage time and no one really i mean i'm sure people did it elsewhere but people didn't bark for their stage time they barked for money and so i started barking tell people what that means it means i stood on the street and as as women as people women as anyone would walk down the street i would go hey we got a great comedy show tonight we got dave chappelle we got jaymore we got i list all the names of the people that were on the flyer uh dc benny talent uh uh maceo yeah and i'd get hand out flyers and i'd say i can get you in covers five bucks but if you just want come in i'll get you a drink you know and the whole idea was to get an audience there and then you start charging people once you started getting people you want to get an audience there first and so i'd get there at seven o'clock and i'd start bringing people in and seeding them and getting them drinks and yeah i was just fresh out of college so i was like yo you guys are want to come in just come on and drink and so we would pack the [ __ ] place um i don't know where the story's oh anyway uh there's this i get i go i get a deal i'm timeout new york writes an article about me and about that i had been in rolling stone and i know and then now i was barking and these kids i was filling up the place and these kids all wanted to party with me because they were all college kids i just got out of college so i go to la for seven months live at the universal sheridan i come back and the first night back is an interesting night i was shirtless in the back bill burr had gone on and bur at the time i say this kindly because bill can have it whatever his truth is he is his truth but billy kind of changed his act a little bit from maybe more fun clean guy into like i can't even imagine what the old afterwards it was it was it was it was he murdered it was like brian regan though it was like very much yeah yeah yeah yeah and he murdered he was like you ever seen information infomercial and the guy's got the [ __ ] pan and he's like this pan can i you know cat like it was very boston high energy um friendly and it was clean and it was killing it was murdering and then he kind of went to la and then came back and when i saw him that night he was like uh i remember the joke he said it was um women want the same [ __ ] everything the man gets except when it comes to a fire all right ladies we'll give it to you but when the [ __ ] house starts burning we're all going out at the same time or something and it was it was like cut in the room dudes were people the right people were laughing and the people that didn't get it was like but he was like figuring that side of him out bill comes back to the back and i we kind of talked i think had a beer and i was like dude you're killing it whatever you're doing keep doing that he was like he's like i don't know we talked about our we had the same managers at the time and agents and he had parted ways with them and then there's this guy what's crazy is at the time when i come back there's now seven dudes barking everyone found out that you could get a deal from barking that barry cats would see you barking put you up in front of the right people and possibly get a deal so the way hollywood works across the board now there's seven dudes barking right there's seven dudes handing out flyers and and none of them are i don't even know if they're getting stage time at the time but it was like seven dudes out front i'm talking to bill and there's these this two guys like waiting to talk to us i'm like they want to talk to bill obviously bill leaves and then they're like still standing there i was like what's up and they're like bert right and i was like yeah i'm shirtless and i'm drunk in the back corner of the boston it was dark corner and they're like they're like just want to let you know that you know we started barking because we heard you got a deal like how did you get your deal and i was like i just did i just did stand up in front of somebody and like yeah we'd love to kind of pick your brain and i was like all right i didn't really have any answers yeah i didn't i just i've been written up in rolling stone magazine and then time out new york was like i don't know what to tell you one of the guys leaves and the other guy won't leave me alone like he won't leave me alone and he's like sitting next to me and he's like so we're like it's like tell me what a deal is like walk me through a deal and it's so a conversation i didn't want to be in and my brain just goes kiss him kiss him and end this conversation just lean over and kiss him and he'll be like what the [ __ ] oh sorry dude and he just walked away but i didn't do it i just let him talk to me oh you didn't do it no i didn't do it my brain my brain my brain was like i was so excited because like i just randomly made that up and you're like oh that actually happened once no no my brain no that's when you started telling that story i was like i definitely have a story where in my to stop the conversation i was like if i just kiss this guy he'd [ __ ] leave in a heartbeat but i didn't kiss him i just listened to him and [ __ ] you know me i gave him way more advice than he needed oh i'm sure you did he couldn't shut me the [ __ ] up you were pee on someone yeah like leanne but in the shower oh yeah i never really should get mad i didn't tell her oh piss on her you never just piss on them and then they're like oh i pissed her in the shower all the time but she's always like come on this is [ __ ] gross she's like she gets mad she's like it smells like coffee and then i'll blow my nose in the shower and then some of it will get on her and then i i'll clear my throat spread my shake she goes okay i'll get out of the shower leanne farted in the middle of a fight the other night and it but she didn't tell me it just farted and then we're we're arguing about something and then i just go did you just fart and she was like yeah so what you do it all the time and i go yeah but you also get pissed when i fart in the middle of a fight she was like oh what are you gonna walk away and i was that was a bad time to sneeze in the middle of a story yeah everyone was like wait what's he doing yeah i didn't know um uh what was it a pretty loud fart no it's silent and just she's both smelled she's been farting in her sleep a lot lately like you hear it ripping them i wake up earlier than she does and i have been listening to her rip them she's been sleeping on the couch for a long time she started getting in bed with me like middle of the night and i think she's been on the couch yeah yeah because of the dogs and so leanne is just weird man she does her own thing and there's certain things that keep her up and one of the things is both our dogs got giardia and so they were [ __ ] all the time and so she wanted to sleep with them and make sure she'd get them out and then lately she started getting bed with me and i think she's been on the bed on the couch with the dogs for so long farting like that just ripping parts with the dogs that she got in bed with me and just i'm talking like you know like when a woman farts they don't have hair in their [ __ ] yeah so it's not muffled it's like ass cheeks going are you saying are you like what the [ __ ] i want i'm trying desperately i sat this morning on instagram stories and just held it down for minutes at times going please [ __ ] fart woman please go [ __ ] viral she rips a [ __ ] fart yeah that's great man this is [ __ ] aggressive too what kind of head is that i don't know yeah every time you have a hat i don't know what it is yeah i don't know it's uh i got it from hack club yeah i got these guys are on instagram how much hats do you have i probably have about 300 wow i have so many hats but what happened is i got in touch with this guy sf grippy and he he was like noticing that i liked minor league hats and then and then i and then he was like you should check out hat club and hat club sends you like two or three hats a month brand new ones like ones you can't get they're like sometimes they make them sometimes they're one-offs and uh and i i love getting new hats that here can i tell you the big problem is that i have a big head up a size eight head yeah and so what happens is usually the only size eights you can get are whatever city you're in there's hats so then all i would get was getting was professional baseball teams hats cause that's the only size eight you could ever get so i'd have a dodgers hat on i'd have a red sox hat on a yankees hat and what's annoying as [ __ ] in l.a is if you're walking through the store and you got a red sox hat on some [ __ ] jackass who went to college at emerson is like yo bro what's the sock score today you're like i'm not a fan i have a big head yeah he's like why are you wearing the hat you're like i have a big head i got a big head no mine's bigger no my i gotta what size how do you have and then i'm in a conversation with a guy i don't want to be in i don't know i'm like just kiss him and so that's what you did to me when you picked me up yeah yeah yeah and so i uh so i i wasn't mad at you by the way when you asked me to okay i don't anyway look how big my head is put this on okay holy [ __ ] yeah right this fits you yeah this is normal to you yes normal it's really big yeah i know i saw a hockey team i think wow yeah i like it yeah it's a good hat and so i get these hats from them and then they'll hit me up and be like yo we got a new hat dropping and i just end up picking them up and then and then what happened is i put it i put it out on twitter i was like what's your favorite minor league team and god damn it they're like what i was like what's your favorite minor league team's hat and everyone started sending me like their favorite ones and i started buying them and then because i was doing that a lot of the minor league teams sent me their hats and now i have so many hats i can't even get through them that's great though i love it i love i love i love i love like taking an outfit and then going does this hat go with this outfit i never thought before that you were super hack you've become i love it i love it and it's also a way for me to can tell the different episodes of two bears is by the hat by the hat yeah yeah that's true um okay a couple things let's recap today we uh we have an official secret handshake now thanks to cortez lewis thank you very much we're going to practice now as soon as this is over yep um we started a sports management company to bear sports management yep.com um our first client handshake king we're gonna try to get uh uh uh cortez on cameo and some deals we went through the fact that i did acting class with minka kelly and we went through her boyfriends and she's now with trevor noah by the way she's 40 and she is a more she's like don't say my age or how many people i [ __ ] stop all of this bert she's gorgeous she's gorgeous i'd be 17 14 15. wait what am i talking about i'm married never mind yeah but if my wife gets lost at cminka there's an invite sure you're gonna be really let down in my house restore hair we're gonna investigate see if we can get full heads of hair new hairstyles and finally you didn't demand a kiss to drive to brea thank you but if you did i would have been like i love you bert i love you too [Music] tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scrapes a bitter booze amateur protology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 826,538

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: Wf8NTBFFed0

Length: 84min 46sec (5086 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 15 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/HurtzDoughnut]

"I have a career and I'm not that funny, I just take my shirt off" - Burnt Chrysler

[u/nathan123483]

Tom immediately going into his black voice hahahaha

[u/thugmuffin22]

Burnt was sounding pretty self aware until he said he was Christ like

Way too many fucking pitches and ads though guys Jesus. When literally everything is about monetizing your audience it’s exhausting. Super low and loose

[u/OdeToJoe]

Code Switch Papi and Bad Idea Burnt comin' in hot

[u/Vikk_Vinegar]

Burt thinks the NFL is like Hollywood...

[u/Deity_oflacking]

Yeah I turned it off when they spent 30 mins on the handshake dude and being his agent. Brent has been really annoying lately. Last week was unbearable with him eating oatmeal and chewing into the mic. Might be done completely lol but I still think Tim is pretty funny.

[u/TroutDaddy]

Does Bert know that buying cars and boats is the opposite of earning money? He has got to be on coke.

[u/Bombs_Go_B00M]

When Bert called leeAnn and there was like a pause of silence i though she didn’t answer which would have been hilarious and a great way to signal that he should stop calling people on the podcast

[u/SerLaidaLot]

I love that you can see Tom struggling not to codespeak and utterly failing ahahaha